Thursday, December 14, 2006

David Lammy, where’s the beef?

Today I received an envelope through the post. It was from my junior guardian of national identity at the department of culture and sport, David Lammy. I opened it and looked in vain for the ‘Happy Winterval from Britishland, love Dave L . XXX’ card - but it wasn't there.

Instead there was a letter concerning Daniel Kawczynski’s EDM supporting the cause for Jerusalem to be installed as the national anthem of England. I’d sent a short note about it to Mrs Comatose, my local MP (motto, a clean desk means bugger all to do) – true to form, she simply forwarded it into the culture spiel machine.

I’m sure this reply is via the stock bullshit software beloved of government departments – But maybe there was a glitch in the system because I haven’t a bleeding snoop doggy dog what the hell he is talking about.

’As you may know, it is the tune which constitutes the authorised part of the National Anthem in the United Kingdom and not the words. The latter are traditional and the choice of words and verses to be used on any particular occasion is one for those concerned. Whilst the National Anthem is the anthem for the whole of the United Kingdom, the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment.

Mr OK’s comments have been carefully noted, but there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’.

So what’s he saying? Are they thinking of changing the words? Was ‘Flower of Scotland’ presented to the Queen as a new anthem for the Scots? Is everyone in the UK allowed their own anthem apart from the English? Why do the two statements ‘the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment’ jar so much with ’there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’…. Does Dave think that Scotland and Wales can just do willy nilly national anthems - but England cannot?

I intend to get back to Lammy to clarify this rubbish letter. I don’t hold my breath for a logical response..

Mr Blair, Mr Blair, have you been caught bang to rights?


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

T’was Christmas Day in the…..

My diligent sister Jennifer has been ferreting away in the dark recesses of our family tree and come up with a few surprises.

This week, she’s found out that my great, great Grandmother, Elizabeth Montgomery, came to a tragic and typically Victorian end at the tender age of 29 years. She died in the Liverpool Workhouse of Typhus. (The workhouse was situated right under the newish Catholic Cathedral, known locally as 'Paddy's Wigwam')

The shock wasn’t that she died in the workhouse – but that it happened so comparatively recently….

Bob Piper

I’ve blogged with Bob for years. We swapped links virtually in the first week of his blog life. I met him through mutual blogging acquaintances like ‘Occupied Country’, ‘Johnny Billericay’ and ‘Our man in Hanoi’… Back then he was quite witty – and I enjoyed his one eyed old Labour cynicism – and his distaste for Tony Blair and the Nu Labour circus of hogwash and hyperbole.

I must admit though that over the last couple of years he’s changed. He’s got angrier, more spiteful and erratic…. And after looking at his blog – especially over the last few days, I wonder where he has misplaced his plot – for he has surely lost it.

Bob – what the hell were you thinking of?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Ruth Kelly - all woman?

God, what a yawn BBC’s Questiontime is. The banality of the Q&As, David (not as good as his Dad) Dimbleby’s crap refereeing, the standard off-pat replies of the politicians and the Tourette-like garglings of Martin (not as good as his Dad either) Amis combined to produce another show to forget….. except for one thing…. Something stood out.

Ruth Kelly, Minister for Communities was on the panel. Amazingly, she didn’t look like the back of a bus or a bag lady after a night on the gin…. She’d had a sort of ‘makeover’… New hair do, new make-up regime, posh twin set straight out of Maggie’s wardrobe - ….. but there was something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that made her look different….

And then it hit me. I suddenly realised why last night Ruth Kelly finally looked almost womanlike, she’s shaved her beard off.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Nu Labour and ‘Planning’ - the latest spin story…

Today it’s all about ‘Planning’. The UK Government is rolling out a whole new book of rules for the planners. Apparently, so the spin goes, (and as enthusiastically reported by the BBC) England is awash with objections to planning applications for conservatories, outside bog conversions and kitchen extensions - so much so that something just has to be done!

Our far-sighted Government, ever anxious to improve the lot of your average English person has decided that this prevarication simply must stop. ‘Planning’ has just got to be made easier. In future they’ll be leaning on the lean-to fascist, kicking the conservatory nimby in the nuts and saying "YES" to that all important roof conversion for young Sharon and her expected little bundle of joy.

The killjoys, – uber upvc troublemakers most of them, will not in future be able to object on the grounds of ‘taste’, and ‘bringing the rest of the neighbourhood down’… From now on, planning permission objectors will be given the red card….

So, as well as Sharon’s roof conversion, Bob and Mary’s spanking new citadel of conservatory living and little Johnny’s new bedroom over the garage - those nimby nazis won’t be able to object to the friendly new nuclear power station being built at the end of the road. Which is a bit of a pity as it has somewhat ruined Bob and Mary’s south facing panoramic window facility.

Sharon can whistle Dixie if she thinks she can stop the 500 tonnes of slightly warm nuclear sludge being buried underneath her newly converted little bit of heaven in the roof space. And little Johnny? Well if he wants to have a play in a field, best get his Mum to take him by car – through the brand new 250,000 house development that has just sprung up outside his bedroom window….

Note:The new relaxation of the Planning laws will only affect England, obviously. The reason being that both Scotland and Wales have said that they will not be taking any nuclear waste to bury, or indeed building any nuclear power stations.

They have however said they would both like to have some cheap nuclear energy when the new stations are built in England.

Their planning laws are there to preserve the integrity of their respective countries. Ours are to be amended to enable Nu Labour to further advance ‘Operation English Shithole’……

Monday, December 04, 2006

Amazing Stories…..

Just one of these fantastic stories is true, but which one is it?

Jose Mourino says he’s not that special after all…

George W Bush admits "Iraq – it was all my fault - and I am in fact an utter berk"…

Fear that Tony Blair is a victim of manipulation. Mi5 discover string coming from elbows, knees, nose, feet - and mouth…

Gordon Brown changes name to ‘John Bull’….

Mischievous Goblins discovered putting the hex on new Wembley… Chief Goblin captured "We also did for the Dome as well" he said….

MPs press for 66% pay increase because they say "they’re worth it"….

Go on, be amazed, PRESS HERE to find out which is the true story...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Kate Muir joins the AA Gill club of bitchy anti Englishness

Well that’s a shock. Yet another Scottish writer living and working in England decides to slag off the natives with a barrage of sneering invective. This time it’s Times columnist, Kate Muir’s turn to indulge herself in the black art of England bashing, (along with some familiars down at the local hairdressers).

No longer content to pass the hair-drying time discussing the weather, boring sex life or latest episode of Corry, the word apparently down at Muir’s salon is how crap the English are.

"As a Briton living in London, I know the picture is weirder and darker than this. New stereotypes are emerging from the maw of England, and many of them are ugly. You need only ask your hairdresser. Mine is a well-read, well-travelled Spaniard who has lived here for ten years; her sidekick, holding the foils as we put tiger stripes in my hair, is Italian, and has been here for four years.

"What do you think about first when you think of the English?" They laugh, cagily. "I’m Scottish," I say. "You can trust me."

"Bling," says the Italian. "Particularly among the 15-25s. All that fake blonde hair and too-big, too-much jewellery. I mean, in Italy we wear gold, but not like that…"

"Drinking," says the Spaniard. "Being so drunk you can’t speak every time you go out; the lack of calm, civilised drinking." Her face contorted in horror: "Alcopops!"

"Incompetence," they both agree, as proved by the subjects of our reality TV shows. "In Spain, we know how to eat well, how to garden, how to look after our children. We don’t need the government sending us supernannies or Gillian McKeith looking at our shit. As for not knowing how to clean your house…" There’s a derisory snort. "The food’s not as bad as it was, though. At least you can get a good Indian or a gastropub in London." So that’s half a point in Britain’s favour. "But why is everyone so fat?"

So there you go – the current English national stereotype is a dna stuffed with blinging drinking incompetence wrapped around a suit of lard.….

What I don’t understand is if the English are so cruddy why would these three coiffures of opinion: a Scot, a Spaniard and an Italian bother to stay here? Why don’t they sod off home? But they won’t will they? They’ll stay here, hating us sneering at us, poncing off us, screwing us and abusing us. Maybe Muir is trying to escape her national dish of deep fried Mars Bars and a pint of heavy. Maybe the hairdressers are masochists…. Maybe they don’t do hairdos in Spain and Italy?…

One thing’s for certain, Ms Muir has joined uber Scottish jerk, AA Gill on the list of small minded Scottish tosspots who like to diss our country. Her article is lazy, cheap, ignorant and stereotypically formulaic. My suggestion for next week’s piece by Ms Muir is an in-depth study on the cuisine of the Scots… deep fried Mars Bars and Bridies included.

And Ms Muir, next time when you're at the hairdressers, I just hope you don't meet my Missus getting her fringe trimmed...... She has some very derogatory opinions on gobby Scots.... for some reason she has a problem with sneering hacks slagging an entire nation off.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Archers – an everyday tale of English folk getting screwed…

I’ve listened to The Archers on Radio 4 since I was an art student in the early seventies. Over that time, the story lines have somewhat changed, thanks mainly to the show’s Editor, metro-liberal Guardianista, Vanessa Whitburn.

Doris, Dan, Tom Forrest and Walter Gabriel have all snuffed it - new characters have stepped into their soiled green wellies. Fallon, Usha, Jazza and Jason now trail the blaze of English modern rural life. The health of the sprout crop and the presence of dropsy in the dairy herd has given way all the other things that are supposed to happen in a tiny middle English village. Suddenly the talk down at The Bull is all about drugs busts, racism, blackmail, gay marriage, gambling addiction, bent coppers, murder, armed robbery, suicide…. and most controversially of all, the ongoing marriage break up of David and Ruth Archer, due to some potential extra marital rumpy pumpy with Sam, the cattle man.

Whitburn is a well known Nu Labour luvee. At absolutely every opportunity she likes to shoehorn imagined inner city trauma and Notting Hill meanderings into leafy Borsetshire.

But I wonder if she will be covering the reality of English pensioner Jack Wooley? The retired local businessman and former owner of Grey Gables has recently been struck down with Alzheimer’s. He’s been losing his mental faculties – but fortunately, he has the NHS to make sure he’ll get the drugs he so badly needs. Well not any more. Not now that NICE has decided to withdraw a whole range of Alzheimer’s drugs from English only patients – because of the uber high cost of £2:50p per patient per day. …..

Will Ms Whitburn run the storyline that Jack’s condition is getting worse because of the actions of a small minded, anti English quango? Will Ms Whitburn get Jack’s 85 year old wife, Peggy to stand on the village green armed with a big megaphone to slag off NICE, Blair & Patricia Hewitt – and demand an English Parliament to look after the needs of English people?…

That’s the trouble with soap plots – the storylines are so bloody unbelievable….

Barmy but brilliant….

Just finished watching the inevitable conclusion of the first Ashes Test at The Gabba cricket ground in Brisbane. After the euphoric glitch of the 2005 Summer series victory, today’s result reverted to type…. Australia won by a mile, England were crap – and the Barmy Army were bloody fantastic.

All through the morning session of the 5th day, as the tail-end-Charlie English wickets were being knocked over with monotonous regularity, the Barmy Army were in superb voice. Thousands of English people dressed head to toe in red and white never let up singing and dancing – and generally showed the Aussie public exactly what supporting a team really means. Pathetic responses from the locals were met with a united chorus of "Who are ya, who are ya?"…

Add to that the fantastic support the national footy and rugby teams get anywhere in the world and I sometimes wonder why our teams always seem to blow it…

Friday, November 17, 2006

Treehuggers sort of agree with the concept of an English Parliament….

Every now and again, I like to bang off an email to one of the Parties in an attempt to get an answer to the imponderable question….

Today, it’s the turn of the Green Party….

I SAID.............................

I've had a quick scan over your policy document and cannot find anything about Devolved Government in it. Do you have any thoughts on a Parliament for England - along the lines of the Scottish model?

And talking about Scotland, I understand that the Scottish Greens are in favour of an independent Scotland - does that mean that the English Greens are in favour of an independent England?


Alfie the OK
Englishman and therefore democratically disenfranchised.

THEY REPLIED ............................

Dear Mr OK,
You can find our policy on the structure of government here. Devolved government is a very important principle for Greens. The principle underlying it is that we believe that decisions are best made at the most local level appropriate, so that the people affected are more involved in the process.

We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right. I assume that our policy has specified English regions rather than an English parliament because England is much bigger than Scotland and Wales and therefore the
regions would benefit from having their own governing bodies rather than an English parliament which would be more distant and more likely to neglect parts of the country in the way that the UK parliament does now.

You can find all of our other policies in the Manifesto for a Sustainable Society here. This is a collection of all policy motions passed by our party members at conference. This is how our policy is made.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party


Mr Stacy,
I'm sorry, but I find your statement -
"We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right".......
to be wholly undemocratic. Rather than the ‘regions’, don't you think you should be wanting the English PEOPLE to have as much autonomy that we want also? English people DO NOT WANT regional government - have you never heard of the NE referendum? 78% said NO. That means NO, the people have spoken - Politicians - even Greens should LISTEN to the electorate occasionally. .

In a MORI poll conducted in July, 41% of people interviewed expressed a preference for an English Parliament. Don't you people think you should be listening to people from England as to what THEY want rather than clinging to NuLabour's discredited, unelected and wholly undemocratic regional 'solutions'.

England is not too big at all - that is simply not true. An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!

An English Parliament would have MORE contact with local issues - not less, via a county by county set up.

NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS - BUT NOT TO ENGLAND. It is pernicious racism, we are effectively being penalised because of who we are - and as so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'.

Alfie the OK,
English and therefore disenfranchised,
England (a country NOT a collection of regions).


Hi Alfie,
Thanks for your reply - you've reacted very angrily but we agree on more than you realise.

I'll start with your paragraph: "An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!"

We would agree with all of this. I wasn't comparing an English parliament to Westminster - having an English parliament would be better than the current system. When we passed the policy several years ago we suggested regions rather than one parliament, but if the English people don't want that model they won't have to have it. The principle is that we believe in devolved power, and that the form it takes should be determined from below, not from above.

We were also unhappy with the form that New Labour proposed for a North East assembly. It was undemocratic, and seemed to be centralising a lot of power from below rather than devolving it from above. We are certainly opposed to New Labour's unelected regional bodies.

So, regarding your closing paragraph: "NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS BUT NOT TO ENGLAND." Yes, we agree.

"As so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'." Well, we haven't signed up to Blair's version of it.

We are absolutely for the principle of devolved power and democracy.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party

Surviving Porridge – advice for Prisoner Blair.

Princess Tony, sent down at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the ‘Cash for Honours’ heist is going to need all the ‘Surviving Bird’ help he can get - so with this in mind, ‘Humanitarian Alfie’ has been consulting with his shadier mates in the pub. Knuckles Blowtorch and Crusher Dentalwork have pooled their respective grey matter to produce a 10 point do’s and don’ts plan of prison etiquette…...

1) Upon entering prison, try not to get up the Guards’ noses. Only speak when you’re spoken to – and never, ever, try to tell them that Gordon’s the Mr Big…

2) OK, you’ve been led to your cell and hopefully you haven’t yet been beaten up. Your new pal on the top bunk is looking you up and down, and asks you what you’re in for… Under no circumstances tell him that you’ve been done for selling ermine cloaks from the back of a car in a motorway service station.

3) In order to get his respect, much better to invent a whole new crime. Tell him you’re a mass murderer, that you’ve killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people in order to impress one of your hoodlum mates. That way you’ll come across as being both psychotic and unstable…. In no time at all he’ll be offering you the top bunk and calling you ‘Sir’.…

4) Now you’ve got your new crime, you’ll need a dangerous name to go with it. Try and act ‘tough’ at all times - make people scared of you. You are not an ‘ordinary kinda guy’ any more – from now on you’re a raving nutter. You’re now ‘Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair’

5) OK, you’ve almost reinvented yourself – hard new crime, hard new name – now you need to adopt an ‘attitude’… Mad staring eyes are good, so is a manic smile – and you’ll need a catch phrase…. ‘‘I’m Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair - and if you look at me like that again I’ll stab you in the eye…. Cos I’m so bloody mad"

6) Swagger – you’ll need a ‘walk’. When you saunter down ‘D Wing’ everyone needs to know you mean business. Remember those Clint Eastwood movies and those cowboy boots – a gift from George Dubbya?….

7) ‘Snout’ – this time, nothing to do with Lord Falconer’s hooter in the trough. In prison, ‘snout’ is tobacco – a form of currency…. It would take quite a few tons of ‘snout’ to buy a peerage.

8) It is important that you choose your friends very, very carefully. Avoid anyone built like an outside bog – and if anyone calls you a "Blair bitch" run like hell.

9) Don’t ever drop your soap in the showers – and if you do, never, ever bend down to pick it up.

10) Finally, never forget those wise, wise words of Michael Howard – "If you cannot do the time then don’t do the crime"….

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Daily Politics - watch it if you can..…

You really should log onto the BBC Daily Politics’ website and download today’s programme. That gobby Nu Labour ginger midget, Hazel Blears was on.

Uber growler, Andrew Neil was the man with the electric prod trying to get an answer, any answer from her. Of course he couldn't - but the squirming from Blears was a sight to behold. It really is riveting telly, Blears getting dizzy due to all the body swerves and turbo waffle she was doing. Neil getting more irritated because he just could not get an answer from her. I just wish I’d had a quid for every time Neil said "Can you just answer the question?"

Well Blears couldn’t and wouldn’t …. The ginger rabbit was stuck, transfixed rigid in the headlights of the Andrew Neil Turbo Coupe. She just looked like she desperately hoped Scotty would beam her up to the Starship Enterprise. Unfortunately, the Dylithium Crystals must have been on the blink again because Scotty was busy in the engine room.

She just sat there, blinking, gasping, drowning……..

There is no doubt about it, Andrew Neil is a proper job journalist…… I am amazed that the Beeb hasn’t yet been instructed by No 10 spin machine to get rid of him.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

100% Rubbish...

They were all there last night weren’t they? All the usual suspects – like characters out of a who-dun-it murder mystery at Sir Roger Victim’s Manor House on a stormy winter’s night…..

Filling the boots of Mrs Peacock, Professor Plumb and the gang were Lady Fuddy-Duddy-Blue-Rinse, Miss Delusional, Mr Cockney-Sparrer, Mr Chingford-Skinhead, Mr Far-Right, Miss Denial and Miss Witchetty-Grub, the uglier of Mrs Thatcher’s twin offspring.

The programme was as shallow as an Aussie soap plot. It was a train crash – the Shit-TV Express in a head on collision with the Ignorance Inter-City …. "So you think you’re English do you? Well you’re not – no one is, so there, get bloody used to it, England is nothing more than the world’s biggest passenger airport lounge"….

One by one, the group formerly known as English were rolled out, set up and shot down by sneering presenter, Andrew Graham-Dixon.
"So, you are in fact 35% Northern European, 10% Blancmange, 25% Carpet Sweepings and 10% Monosodium Glutamate……. That just leaves 20% left…. Tell me, did your Granny ever shag anyone from Timbuktu?"

Cue collective crests falling, bottom lips smacking the floor, as the shocky rocky horror of it all hit home. It was bloody GBH before the 9 0’clock watershed. They hadn’t been Tango’ed or even Jeremy Beadled – no, it was much, much more subtle than that, they’d been DNA’d…. Were they related to a kipper in the done up position?

After 45 minutes, I’d had enough, I went to the pub….. We all agreed it was a really shit programme. Tacky, sad, all part of the plot to dissolve the identity of England before our very eyes. Why didn’t they have Billy Bragg on? He says he’s as English as roast beef…. Why not Ian Botham or David Beckham, innit?

Why was it just 100% English? Why not 100% Scottish or Welsh or British? Why not 100% Journalist? "So, Mr Andrew Graham bloody Dixon, you may have thought you were 100% journo, but I’ve got a bit of a shock for you….. Yep, you’re really 80% children’s show presenter, 15% wet fart and 5% French"……

Just then, someone said "Why not 100% Channel 4 Programme?"

We all agreed, ‘100% English’ was 100% pure Bullshit.

Answer the Nuclear dumping question, jerk!..... paraphrase my hero, John MacEnroe.

And the question I've tried to get answered is aimed at a right slimey Dan, career creep and all round power junkie, David Miliband. I've rung his office, tried to get a question to him on phone ins, spoken to his experts and reminded his underlings that I am still waiting for his reply which has now slipped over their own self imposed deadline of 15 days.

Every day I ring his cruddy office - every day I get a Miliband body swerve. I've even tried to enlist the help of my Labour MP. I don't hold out much hope of success here though, Mrs Supine is about as motivated as a dead sloth.

The question I would like answered is -

Subject: Nuclear waste disposal.....

Dear Mr Miliband,

Yesterday you announced your decision to bury low, middle and high level radioactive nuclear waste - and stated that if certain councils agreed to house the waste in their areas then they would get the added bonus of substantial government funding to the tune of millions of pounds.

Also, during an interview with Peter Allen yesterday on BBC's FiveLive radio station, you talked about how you hoped 'the country's councils would take up the invitation and offer to house the waste'.

Can you please tell me which 'country' are you talking about? Is the invitation open to all councils in the UK - or just England and Wales - or even just England? Please, in future, if you are just referring to England, can you make it clear, so the population of England can make a judgement based on the facts.

I heard Jack McConnell being interviewed on Radio Scotland on Wednesday - and he said that Scotland would not be taking and burying any of their own nuclear waste. He said that it would all be coming down to England to be buried.....

He's either very presumptuous, or he knows something we don't.... I suspect the latter, what do you think? Which is all a bit odd really - after all, with some of the oldest and hardest rock in the world and a population density less than that of the Gobi Desert, I would have thought the Scottish Highlands would have been the best place of all to put it, don't you agree?

Hoping for a swift, honest, spin-free and accurate reply.

Some hope.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

"Please Sir, we want more"….

Education, Education, Education, is not what the final year history students on a course at Bristol University are getting at the moment. They have been offered just 2 hours tuition a week for their £1,200 fees - and that works out at 20 quid an hour. However, for those lucky, lucky English students who have just started their courses this year, the top up charge has taken the cost of learning up to over 3 grand per year. That takes the cost of the final year course up to an eye watering 60 quid per hour…..

The university has apparently allotted the rest of the week for ‘private research’ and ‘independent study’ by the students. However someone from the course - obviously a right Jonny Provocateur, dangerous trouble maker and Bolshevik told the university’s newspaper Epigram: "I thought I was paying to be educated by leading academics, not for a library membership and a reading list."

Look Jonny P, Terry Trotsky, Jimmy Stalin and the rest of you English student troublemakers you’d better all start getting used to it – Remember the mantra, Ripped off, Ripped off, Ripped off…..

A tale of two stadiums….

Or is it ‘stadia’? Who knows…..
Anyway, I was watching the telly on Sunday, a rugby union international was on and England were being demolished by the All Blacks. The game was pants – but what struck me was, what a really fantastic stadium Twickenham is. The South Stand is all but up – and when it is all finished in a few months time it will also house a grand hotel. The last bit of the ‘Project Twickenham’ development is costing around £85 million – it would have been more, but the RFU decided that they couldn’t afford the original quote of over £100 million, so redesigned it to something they could afford.

It now holds over 82,000 people – and is the biggest stadium in England. Twickenham is now a perfect tiered bowl, everyone gets a fantastic view of the action on the field, but behind the scenes there are superb restaurant, conferencing and bar facilities – so you can drown your sorrows after England have been stuffed again.

What really amazes me though is the way the RFU have quietly and efficiently gone about the business of rebuilding the entire stadium over a period of years. Most of the work has been privately financed through ticket sales, partnership deals and television contracts. They've built stands when they had the money to do it. All of the work has been carried out without the bungling interference of busy-body, photo-opportunity politicians, inept & craven administrators and the bizarrely narrow funding criteria of the National Lottery Nazis…..

Compare and contrast with the shenanigans up the road at Wembley, the home of football and the embarrassment of an entire nation….

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Snippets from Rod Liddle….

In the Sunday Times, inspired by the 'black jelly baby' court case, Mr Liddle has been musing about the nominations for this year’s ‘Ludicrous Hate Crime Awards’….

He thought jellybabygate had taken the race hate biscuit – that was of course until he’d heard about the case of Scotsman, Mr Ronnie Hutton, a mechanic from Stirling. Central Scotland Police attempted to prosecute Mr Hutton for "revving his car in a racist manner"….

Meanwhile over in Thames Valley police area, plod has been arresting a man for going up to a mounted policeman and telling him his horse was "gay". The man was arrested for "causing offence and distress to both horse and police officer"…..

Things have never been the same since Dockson of Dick Green retired.

Letter to Grandstand, BBC Sport.....

Dear Sir,

Just before the kick off of the England v New Zealand rugby union match at Twickenham, your Welsh commentator said "And now for the singing of the English national anthem" .... With that, a man on the pitch started to sing 'God Save the Queen'

Can you PLEASE tell all your sporting commentators to stop referring to God Save the Queen as 'the English national anthem' - it isn't. It's the British one.... England doesn't have a national anthem of its own, for some reason we have been left out of the queue for national anthems for the home countries - we seem to get left out of everything. But of course you know all this already, don't you?

I am part of an organisation that is trying to get England its own anthem - apparently this is unbelievably difficult to obtain.... who knows why, maybe it's a threat to world peace or something. Honestly, you'd think there was some sort of government conspiracy in denying the English our own anthem - and by the BBC continuing to incorrectly describe GStheQ as the English national anthem (however 'accidently'), it only continues to confuse the English public - and further aid the deception of the government in denying England any sort of national pride in anything........

The Sir Michael Caine Mutiny.....

Evidence in an interview in Saturday's Times magazine that leading film actor, Michael Caine has been talking to his big pal, Sean...... and he's not happy at all.

The article explains where Michael stands on the issue of English democratic rights -
Caine was thrilled when he received the CBE in 1993, and was awarded a Knighthood in 2000. "I am very, very patriotic, so don't get me started, " he warns. He frets that his beloved England has been overlooked as the other home nations enjoy devolution.

His friend Sir Sean Connery has become a cheer-leader for Scottish nationalism and Sir Michael is beginning to think he is right.

"I'm a very English man. And that doesn't mean I don't like foreigners and I hate all immigrants. I am married to an immigrant but I'm not happy at the moment. Everybody seems to be represented but the English.

"There is a possibility that a Scotsman is going to rule over me. A Scotsman who comes from a constituency where my member of parliament who I elected, has no say whatsoever. And there is an answer, given to me by my friend Sean: give Scotland its independence. Gordon Brown can then be the Prime Minister of Scotland".....

"And I'm worried about the fact that they (the Scots) cheer for the other side in the football and I think to myself. "Have they really got my interests at heart?"......

Errr, no Mike, they haven't. Welcome to the fight.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Harold Green

Sad to report that English patriot and senior English Democrats party member, Harold Green died suddenly last night. I only knew Harold for little over 2 years but during that time, I got to know a man who cared passionately about his country, the cause of a parliament for England – and of all things English.

He will be sadly missed.

Friday is English Culture day…

It is decided, every Friday this site will feature a few aspects of the rich culture of the nation state of England. Some will be date relevant, other stuff will be in because I think it should be.

Music - We start off with a jolly tune from Richard Thompson, ex Fairport Convention member and giant of the English folk scene. The track I have chosen to link to is Richard’s signature ditty, 1952 Vincent Black Lightening – mainly because it’s a fab song by a great singer-songwriter and also because I love Vincent motorbikes.
Richard Thompson - 1952 Vincent Black Lightning

Tradition – Flaming Tar Barrels. Oh yes, it’s a health-and-safety free zone on the 4th November in the village of Ottery St Mary in Devon. This ancient and spectacular event has so far given the guys with the clip-boards the body swerve as competitors attempt to outdo each other in the fire carrying department. The ingredients for a successful day’s tar barrelling are lots of flaming tar barrels, lots of beer, lots of volunteers to carry said barrels and more beer. If you are interested in attending, ring the Ottery tourist shop to check out a place to stay.

Nouveau – 28 to 29th October sees the world famous Crazy Golf World Championships at Hastings. Thrill as the ball is chipped through the windmill’s sails, oooooh as it lips out and rolls down the north face of the Eiger, aaaah as those crazee golfers tackle the world’s craziest golf course, how crazy can you get? It’s fast, wacky and crazy, it’s crazy golf – and we have the world championships here! Eat your heart out, USA.

Spooky – 31st October is Duck Apple Night – well, that’s what we called Halloween anyway. Basically we’d spend a whole night thinking of really interesting things to do with apples, string, water and flour – plus the odd exorcism thrown in. One thing is for sure, I’ll have no truck with ‘trick or extorting’ – an American import that should be resisted with a polite but firm “Bugger off before I smack you one” to any kid who knocks on your door demanding gifts with menaces.

Nowadays I settle down to read a ghost story from the genius that was M.R. James, a Victorian Oxford don who knocked out phenomenal stories of the ghostly happenings all based around English folk-lore. He’s a bit of a hero of mine – so I’ll be doing more about him in the weeks to come.

Being the spookiest night of the year, it’s important to remember that spooky things happen on spooky night – such as….

- If a witchball is hung in a window and it glows, it means that a witch is passing by, so there. (and don’t ask me what a ‘witchball’ is)

- Villagers would lock up their cats, believing that if their cats were loose, they would be captured by elves.

- Turnip lanterns must be placed outside gateposts to protect the home from spirits.

So remember to put up your turnips, lock your cat in and make sure you get your witchball before they all sell out. (Tesco are doing a special ‘Traditional British witchball promotion’ in store right now. You can find them in between the Scottish and Welsh witchball displays). Every little helps.

More English culture stuff next Friday….

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It’s official, the wit of man doesn’t do English devolution

According to Jack McConnell, head McHoncho in Scotland, at the entrance to the Donald Dewar Room in the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood, the following statement is engraved in the stone floor: ‘People in Scotland want a degree of government for themselves. It is not beyond the wit of man to devise institutions to meet these demands.’

Words apparently uttered over 30 years ago by Scottish patriot, academic, writer and Labour MP for Berwick & East Lothian, John P Mackintosh.

I wonder what the late MP would think of the present English conundrum and the apparently insurmountable constitutional balls up south of the border. In spite of lots and lots of nose picking, arse scratching and paper aircraft making from establishment boffins, the solution to our democratic deficit really is beyond the wit of man, woman – and Lord Falconer…..

What we need is a fresh look from a blue skies thinker….. I wonder if ‘Deep Thought’ has solved the answer to life, the Universe and everything yet? Failing that, has anyone got the back of a fag packet to scribble on?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Not wanted by the BBC: English person to review the ECC at Radio 4

I was listening to the World-at-One News on Radio 4 today. Right at the very, very end of the broadcast, taking the place of the ‘dead donkey’ and ‘man discovers a vegetable in the shape of a potato’ stories was a report on today’s English Constitutional Convention meeting at Westminster.

Velvet toned ‘Scoop Anchorman’, introduced his expert guest to give his considered opinion on the prospect of an English Parliament. I listened, wondering which English academic or patriot might sally forth with cogent and forthright arguments as to why the cause was just.

Step forward constitutional nobody, Campbell Christie…….

So who the hell is he then?

Scoop solved the mystery. True to P.C. form, the BBC had wheeled in not an English person to preview an English event, but some Scottish geezer. Apparently, Christie was the former general secretary (ret) of the Scottish TUC and served on the Scottish Constitutional Convention during the late nineties….. in short, Campbell Christie was perfect BBC interviewing material - Scottish, a serial quango-meister and as it obviously turned out, anti English Parliament. The trinity of the unholy alliance wrapped up in one chippy package.

I wondered, sort of naively why no English person could be found to give their expert view. Who knows, maybe all the pro Parliament English people were having their butties and listening to the World at One?

Scoop asked his first question to his invited guest. Did he think the English should have their own Parliament. Christie replied…. "There’s definitely an issue…. I had hoped that an England governed by regional assemblies would have been the answer"..

Well thanks very much Campbell, but we’ve passed on that – remember the North East of England Referendum?

There then followed quotes from the lexicon of smoke and mirrors from Christie…. "An English Parliament would inevitably break up the union"….. "An English Parliament would want more and more power"….. and the coup de classic – "I don’t believe there is any desire in England for an English Parliament"…..

And that was that, job done. Yet another Scot wheeled out to damn the proposal of English self-determination. Yet again, the supremely supine BBC achieved its clammy handed Uriah Falconer inspired brief of rubbishing the English question. Yet again, Nu Labour’s stranglehold on the establishment and on the fate of 50 million English people is laid bare for all to see.

But trust me, things really will change.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

BBC loses England again....

I’m having a whip round for a worthy cause. I’m collecting money for a map of the UK to give to Auntie Beeb – so they can find out where England is.

The latest case of selective geographic myopia exhibited be BBC News is the reporting of the Audit Commission’s damning condemnation of the Rural Payments Agency and its pathetic attempts to pay English farmers the Single Payment Scheme money that everyone else in Europe has already received (including Scotland, Wales and Northern Irish farmers).

The source of their information is a press release from the Audit Commission. The BBC have read it, copied it and shoved it through the smoke and mirrors filter... (It's a good day to bury English bad news in a UK fluffy blanket, so to speak)..

The Audit Commission’s press release is entitled –
National Audit Office Press Notice
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, and Rural Payments Agency: the delays in administering the 2005 Single Payment Scheme in England…..
(in 'England', get it?)

Compare and contrast with the BBC News web page which states that –
Mistakes 'cost UK farmers £22.5m
A series of government mistakes while bringing in a system of agricultural payments cost UK farmers up to £22.5m, the National Audit Office says. Its report on the Rural Payments Agency found the costs related to additional interest and arrangement fees on loans. The RPA was set up in 2001 as an executive agency of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra).

It is responsible for allocating about £1.5bn under the EU's single farm payment scheme’.....

It’s a bit of a surprise then that apart from the clear as crystal press release title, the 'Notes to Editors' feature at the bottom of the Audit Commission’s press release states that

’The Single Payment Scheme is worth £1,515 million to 116,000 farmers in England.

The Rural Payments Agency is responsible for administering single payment scheme payments in England. Payments in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are handled by the devolved administrations’.

The BBC, willing sycophantic NuLabour brown nosers in the campaign to eradicate England – and to hell with accuracy and objectivity.

You couldn’t blog it up….

I haven’t blogged for a good few days. The reason? Too depressed at the antics of our glorious government as they make yet another wrong turning on the journey of responsible government. The stuff being reported in the media over the past week, on crucifixes, debate, veils, offence, debate, respect and debate - sort of rendered me incapable of any tap, tap, tapping. I mean, how the hell could I compete with that lot?

During the last few days, witness the choreography of oxymoronic invective as battalions of ministerial NuLabour yes monkeys leap above the safety of the focus group barricades to wring hands, mop brows and effectively admit that the great super duper multicultural experiment was going tits up. (None was their fault, obviously – but thanks to their policies, the culture of victimhood and separation are flourishing, the wishes of the majority are routinely ignored and as a result, our society is in meltdown). Last week it was religious regalia and the wearing thereof, this week?
Who knows – perhaps the Iraq war, maybe health service cuts, or possibly giving more power and influence to a few more minority groups,… it could be NICE withdrawing more life saving drugs on the basis of cost…… But it’s more likely to be this report about sleazy voting practices in a banana republic called Yookania…

All pretence that we live in some sort of mature, sophisticated, at-ease with ourselves western society, governed by wise councillors doing what’s best for the people who actually elected them into office has surely been blown to hell in a Kleenex box. This cabal of oafs - fraud monkeys every last one of them, aided and abetted by a flaccid opposition, more concerned with being all things to all people are a disgrace to the name of democracy.

Junta leader, Il Presidente Tony Blair, V.C., M.C., D.S.O and bar, resplendent with a chest full of gold medalia, Ray-Bans and gold plated side arm as bought from ‘’ is just about what a third rate, morally bankrupt banana republic deserves – (and has got).

And that is a profoundly depressing thought.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Dead Englishmen walking….

While NICE are today consigning ever more English people to an early grave, you’d think that someone, anyone might have something to say about it. But no, The King’s Fund, a charitable health service think-tank has assumed the position of a fence-sitting Pontias Pilot on a non decidey, hummy-harri, eeny meeny miney moey kind of day.

Today saw NICE doing what they do best, withdrawing more drugs from English chemists shops. This very expensive range of drugs (costing all of £2.50p per patient per day) are to be denied to English Alzheimer’s patients in early stages of the disease.

NICE has quoted lots of reasons for their bizarre decision, they say they can’t justify the cost of giving the drugs in England and Wales until it’s almost too late to be of any use. But apparently, the drugs are still being prescribed in great big free-for-all bags in Scotland – so that’s all right then.

According to their web site, The King's Fund aims to improve health and health care by developing policy, people and services. We work on a range of issues in a variety of ways. But all our work is characterised by our independent and objective approach; a commitment to social justice; and our desire to ensure we really do make a difference’) So that’s what we need, an in touch, no nonsense appraisal from an independent organisation, with added social justice balls. Surely, they would have something to say about this pernicious policy of health apartheid without end, within the NHS….

Unfortunately, they seem to be in denial, in la-la land, in a coma…. Last week, commenting on the story about some NHS patients in England deciding to buy their own drugs in order to save their own lives (because NICE will not fund them), Tony Harrison, a senior fellow in health policy at the King’s Fund made this joke of a comment. "The NHS is based on equal treatment for equal need…."

Maybe on the planet Scotland it is Tony, but in the drossage that is England, where life is worth less that £2.50p a day, you’d better not fall ill with Alzheimer’s, Breast Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Bowel Cancer or Multiple Myeloma unless you’ve got a whole stash of cash to finance it.

Expert Tony followed it up with this little gem – "This could mean you'd get a patient in one NHS bed who can't have the drug next to a patient in the next bed who can, and that would be so obviously inequitable."

To quote Richard Littlejohn, ’you couldn’t make it up’….

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Not wanted: An English actor to play an English hero…

Just watched the first episode of BBC’s new Saturday night blockbuster, ‘Robin Hood’.

In keeping with the usual casting policy of TV and movie making companies, the BBC has selected yet another foreigner to play yet another English hero. Apart from the rubbish script, appalling direction and clich├ęd editing, Robin of Locksley was played by ‘Jonas Armstrong’, an actor from the Republic of Ireland. His performance was awful, as wooden as the false MDF walls of old Nottingham Castle. Sometimes, his Irish brogue seeped through the forced English accent, he sounded like a pissed off pissed Bob Geldorf when he was trying to save Africa. I half expected him to start screaming at some fat-arsed English merchants – "Give us yuz fooking money, oi want yuz fooking money now!" ….

You would have thought the BBC could have found an English actor to play an English hero….. and hey, who knows, start a whole new trend…….

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

A date for the diary…

Today, 300 years ago, the last Scottish Parliament was held before the union with England.. They had to wait a fair while for it to be reinstated, but it has now, so hooray for them.

What about us then?…..

Apparently, if they gave us our Parliament back, the sky will fall in, all the glaciers will melt, the anti-Christ will be born and the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be searching out all patriotic Englishmen to do them in - and there would be a hell of a lot of unemployed Scotsmen roaming the streets of London….

You see, an English Parliament ain’t as easy as it sounds, apparently it would be ‘dangerous’, ‘wrong’ and ‘anti democratic’…. Apparently, an English Parliament would be a conundrum wrapped in an enigma, stuffed down the back of Falconer’s builder's bum….

The greatest minds in the world – and Simon Hughes have been deliberating, ruminating, vacillating and prevaricating in an attempt to solve the riddle. Not for us the ancient Greek model of democracy that works virtually everywhere else. No, we’re having last year’s bargain basement ideas thrown at us in a never ending paper trail of invective and bluster….

From this simple soul’s perspective, it ain’t that hard to solve. But then again, I haven’t got the brain of a planet have I?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Conference cons…

Just a thought, if both the major political parties owe around 25 million quid each – and are effectively bankrupt, how the hell can they afford the bling-bling conference paraphernalia at both Manchester and Bournemouth?

If they're as skint as they are and have nowhere near enough assets to cover the debts, who is picking up the tab for their conferences?

It’s so true, isn’t it?

Newspaper headline slapped across the front page of Tuesday’s Sun newspaper, presumably about the bloke who tried to get into the back of Number 10 via the garden…

‘Lunatic found in Number 10’…. Amen to that - but hasn’t he been there since 1997?

Monday, October 02, 2006

The world of Google – excluding England, obviously…

Those zany boys at Google UK HQ have been running a bit of a Google Doodle competition – they’ve got kids to design Google logos galore. The reason? As the Chief Google Noodle explains "What does Britain mean to young people today? We asked students aged 4-18 at schools across the country to design a Google Doodle explaining what it means to be British".

So they’ve been trawling the artistic design talent of kids in Britain to get some good Google Doodles – and to make it fair those clever boffins at Google HQ have divided the country into geographical chunks…..

There are entries from Googles Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and……

Oh my God, ‘Google world’ has slipped into ‘Google regio-econo-euro inspired regions of England’. Apparently, there’s now a Google North West, South West, London, etc, etc…

I’m banging off a few snotty emails to the whacky government Poodles at Google, I suggest you do the same….

Humble Watch….

Major excitement in our neck of the woods at the moment. The BBC has rolled into town to broadcast ‘Autumn Watch’ live from Martin Mere, West Lancashire – about 2 miles from Alfie Towers. The build up in a cordoned off corner of the car park has been going on for over 2 weeks now – it’s Winnebago motorhome central round here at the moment. Stuck into the sky is a couple of huge satellite dishes – and there are lots of BBC people with BBC clip boards and pens behind their BBC ears running about looking panicky……… (Not that I’ve been gawping that much).

In spite of my very best efforts, I haven’t yet seen Kate Humble – or even Bill Oddie. However, at last Monday’s quiz night in the Blood Tub Pub, a couple of regulars who work at Martin Mere promised faithfully that they would persuade Ms Humble to partake in a few scoops with the locals at tonight’s soiree….

Admittedly, they were a bit jolly and a bit wobbly – but they seemed 100% confident they could persuade the Humblester to visit our local pub. They’d better, most of the regulars have had a bath specially and everything….

Friday, September 29, 2006

Hooray, hooray, it’s a holi, holiday…(in Scotland)…

Shock Press: Scottish MSPs decide to award their own people a Scottish Bank Holiday to celebrate their very own patron St Andrew’s Day. That’ll be that there devolution working for them again then….. It’s a good job we don’t need devolution, otherwise I might have got quite jealous!

"It is important to establish the principle of a St Andrew’s Day national holiday. And once the holiday is established I’m confident that recognition of it will grow in the years ahead and, with the help of negotiations between employers and trade unions, it will eventually become an additional holiday".. – Dennis Canavan, MSP.

Well, that’s nice for them, isn’t it? But then again, who's going to give us our St George's Day holiday? ..... Or is it St Edmund?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Prescott's still letting people down....

The Prescott grovelling apology to the ever-loving conference audience and his watery eyed wifey, Mrs Hairspray, sort of reminded Mrs Alfie of that old joke…. The one about the balloon who goes to balloon school with a very sharp pin. Not surprisingly he is hauled before the balloon headmaster for a good balloony tongue lashing….

"We are very disappointed. Not only have you let yourself down, you’ve also let me, your school friends and all the teachers down, in fact you’ve let the whole balloon school down"….

The only difference being that Prescott had let the whole country down…. And still does.

Prescott – a suitable case for treatment….

I’m just sitting here, minding my own business, watching the telly. The NuLabouremberg Rally from Manchester is on. ‘Chippolata John’ Prescott is on the podium doing his usual GBH job on the English language. First of all a moment of humility from the bulk-meister. He gets the delicate issue of him shagging the secretary out of the way. "To you, t'confrunce, A'd joost lack to saiy ow surry A am"...... Hmmmm, I wait for his apology to me and the rest of the 50 million, but none came. It figures...... Instead, humility now out of the way, Prezza starts to go through the gears of his very own 'arse-speak'. Pretty soon, he's pressing the turbo charger.

He’s going on about "The Enviiiiiiiiiiiro-mental Challenge"….. "The Torieeeeeeeezzzz"… "Grate Brrrrrrritin" and….. "The Labur Parrrrrty"

He’s shouting a lot, his big red moon face going redder and redder as more unreconstructed drivel fissure-glottals out of his gob. His vast podgy bulk is stooling in a pool of spit, broken consonants and oxymororonic invective – what a mess. Everyone is clapping – but not all in the right places. Like me, they haven’t a bloody clue what he’s going on about. In order to hide the fact that Prezza doesn’t actually ‘do’ anything anymore, it looks like he’s had another dive into the NuLabour Lexicon of Bollox – I think he’s trying to get every single word of that tome in his speech. Come to think of it, he does the same thing every single conference.

Hopefully, his head will explode before he gets to the end of it.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

She's bloody mad.. (but not in a 'mad' way).

A statement from Cherie Booth QC, secretary of the 'Gordon for PM' movement.

“Look, I did not say Brown is a liar, I really didn’t, honestly, on my life, on Tony’s life, on my kids’ lives, I like Gordon, I really do, he's a great guy. We are next door neighbours for heavens sake, I borrow sugar from him, we chat about this and that over the garden fence…… and stuff.

For goodness sake, get off my case, can’t you all see I’m a working mother, it’s not easy you know, working 9 to 5 on wall to wall human rights cases, then rushing home to number 10 to make Tony and the kids’ tea. And then can I put my feet up? No I can’t, I have to go out for some damn rubbish function or other - and glad hand some tin-pot dictator from some God forsaken hole of an African backwater. It takes me an age to get ready – this face doesn’t look this good by itself you know…..

I’d have been bloody mad to actually say that Gordon was a liar – I have to ask you, do I look mad?

Well, do I?

Monday, September 25, 2006

Gordon Brown redefines the ‘D’ word….

Don’t you just love him, our PM in waiting? The man born ‘to serve’ the people made his big speech today at the Labour Party Rally from Manchester. The ‘Operation Tartan Fog’ campaign is well under way.

Gravura Gordon unleashed his big idea at the weekend and he made reference to it again in his speech. Devolution is now a good thing, officially approved by the dour git as fit for purpose for an English population. Not devolution for the country of England obviously, just devolution of its services. If Gordon gets the big job, the English NHS is to be devolved to ‘professionals’ – no doubt followed by devolved education, devolved transport and devolved planning…..

It’ll be Gordon’s way of getting out of the tricky issue of mandate and being held to account. By taking ‘the politician’ out of these services he’ll claim he has done more 'devolving' than the services in Scotland & Wales in giving control to ‘the people of England’….

In short, he’ll claim that he has empowered English people to take control of their own services …….. Betcha!

Gordon, mate. We ain’t that stupid.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Blair career moves – number 1

Now that Princess Tony is attending his last party conference as Labour Cappo Don, I thought I would offer our beleaguered but testosterone laden premier a few helpful tips regarding new career opportunities.

I know Tone is probably scanning the Guardian sits vacs for suitable jobs, but I don’t think he’s got much of a hope really…… I mean, if one day you’re ordering men to certain death in a futile demonstration of leadership virility – and the next you’re doing a nine to five as a deputy integration officer (class 2) for Lambeth Council…. Well, it’s a bit of a comedown – and I don’t think the Princess’s ego could cope to be honest.

No, Tony needs the cash – a lot more than the £15,486pa + gravy coupons and leather elbow patch allowance that a council job in Lambeth can offer. Tony also needs to be loved and adored throughout the western world – just like he imagines he is now…

So with this in mind I’ve been thinking outside of the luncheon box – and come up with the first in a series of suggestions that may help our beloved leader snap up that dream job opportunity.

Suggestion 1 – Character in The Simpsons.
Qualifications, Must be two dimensional, shallow and yellow. Previous experience as a cartoon character an advantage. Should have comic features and ridiculous hair that could easily be transferred to acetate so we can all have a bloody good laugh…..

Krusty, I’d watch your step if I were you, Crappy could be after your job……

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Yozzer says gizza role....

According to ace CEP reporter, Gareth ‘Scoop' Young and his trusty scoopocam, Lib Demmer Simon Hughes has chucked his considerable cerebral bulk back into the ‘English Question’ farrago. The politician who once campaigned as ‘The Straight Choice’ in a Bermondsey by-election has had a few new ideas about the issue.

Scoop reports that Yozzer has gone a bit radical, a bit left field on English self determination - (again!).. Only a year ago he was a bit of a champion of the English – he even committed to an English Parliament…… and then Kennedy staggered off the stage - and in the fight for leadership all of Simes' constitutional envelope-pushing was consigned to the nether regions of the constituency office filing cabinet. Boring mainstreaming was Simon's tactic for success......

Of course, 'Simon the Statesman' got spanked, Ming won. Somebody who nobody had heard of came second - and Hughes came a poor last……. So now, Yozzer the Rad is back with more answers to the English Question.

In his piece, Scoop lists the major points of the Hughes agenda.. One in particular jumped out at me – and told me as much as I needed to know about the Hughes ability to do his sums…..

Apparently Simon says that the English public will decide they do not want an English parliament, but would prefer English MPs sitting one day in four on English domestic business.

Hmmmmm….. Sorry Simes, It doesn’t really match up with the stats does it? Westminster spends over 70% of its time debating English issues, how the hell will all that business be shoved into 20% of the weekly Westminster time allocation?…….

I know, I've got a great idea! How about this flagpole, envelope pushing, outta the box thought? How about if the English population actually decide they don’t want a crummy 20% of a disinterested debating chamber – but would rather have an English Parliament for England -debating English business around 100% of the time….

Simon mate, am I a genius or what?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A few Lib Dem observations….

Crusty old Edinburgh lawyer and bumbling party leader, Sir Menzies Campbell is actually younger than the Peter Pan of pop, Sir Cliff Richard…..

If you transfer Lib Dem MP ‘Lembit Opik’ into a Scrabble hand he'd be worth quite a lot of points (especially if you can land on a treble word square…..

If Menzies is pronounced ‘Ming", how is ‘Ming’ pronounced?

Silver surfing…..

Apparently, a poll suggests that two thirds of the baby boomer generation have made no plans for their future care needs.

The report commissioned by Help the Aged only polled people from England and Northern Ireland – (no prizes for guessing why that should be then) , I decided to find out more. I logged onto the Help the Aged website – registered onto their forum and posted a reply to this posting from Denise…… Well, after reading it, I had to (and hopefully she now knows exactly which country gets the Barnett cash)….

Selling your home to pay for your care when you are elderly and incapable. I've read lots about this and I saw the Panorama TV programme with the legal precedents set but no-one is seems is able to enforce the law. It seems the ill are in hospital for a period of 3 months then they move them to a care home for which family homes are sold to cover the costs and if not a charge is placed over the home which amounts to the same thing. My mother in law has dementia, she is 86 years of age and no longer able to live alone, she wanders off and has reverted to her childhood days, she will not sit still and needs 1 on 1, 24 hour care. She has been in a psychiatric ward for the past 3 months and is very well cared for, but the hospital have now referred her to Social Services and they are looking for a home to place her in. She owns her own home and we know they will take this to fund the care. I would appreciate receiving anyone’s experiences. DENISE

Hat tip to Snafu

Monday, September 18, 2006

Little guy takes on JuggerTesco – and wins!!

The man who cannot be bought

Hats off to Mr William Chase from Tyrrells potato crisps – a small independent savoury snack producer catering to small, independent outlets throughout the country.

Tyrrells don’t do mega deals with control freak supermarket chains – and that includes Tesco. They only deal with farm shops, delicatessens and independent grocers shops – so that doesn’t include Tesco. Mr Chase is a passionate man, more concerned with the quality of his product than with being bullied, screwed down, then ruthlessly shafted by the hyena of the high street. In spite of this, Tesco asked if they could stock Tyrrells crisps, Mr Chase declined.

So imagine Mr Chase’s surprise when he found out that Tesco were actually selling Tyrells crisps in their out of town supermarkets. They had apparently got hold of them through a third party. Mr Chase told Tesco he did not want his product on their shelves and requested they desist from selling them.

He asked them several times – and true to form, Tesco ignored him several times. Patience exhausted, Mr Chase went to court. Today he got an injunction banning Tesco from selling his products in future – and ordering them to clear their shelves of any existing stock. Result!!!!!

Mr Chase, have you ever thought of going into politics?

Tesco free produce from Tyrrells

Saturday, September 16, 2006

But 'Call-me-Dave', what about us Scousers?

Fresh from his shameful ‘I feel your marginalised anger tour’ of Scotland, I am expecting Call-me-Dave to make his way over to my part of the world to empathise with our stereotypical scousical alienation. No doubt he’ll be wearing a shell suit, a curly wig, a big moustache, and be telling everyone to "calm down, calm down or I’ll give yer all a Kirkby Kiss"….

Once here, I first expect Dave to sign on the dole, go to the pub for 15 pints of super strength lager – and then meander down to the banks of the River Mersey to make a rousing speech from the balcony of the Liver Building. There to tell the whole world how fed up he is seeing scally scousers always appearing on ‘The Bill’ robbing cars, burgling houses and gee bee aitching pissed Scotsmen on the streets of Sun Hill…..

So Dave, when can we expect a visit so you can empathise with our anger….. I’ve got a couple of stones of crack we can smoke - so should I put the kettle on and go and rob some Jammy Dodgers from the local Spar then?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Despotic typecasting-ium…

The brand spanking new BBC epic about ancient Rome is on the telly soon. Great! I’ve seen the trailers – the all-round fiddler and arsonistic head-the-ballium, Emperor Nero is central to the production. Hedonistic pleasure, appalling cruelty and bizarre pronouncements are cornerstones to Nero’s reign of terror...... (Hmmmmm, sounds a bit familiar, don't you think?)

I’ve noticed that the actor playing the despot Nero is non other than former Mr Kate Beckinsale - Michael Sheen

Sheen is making a speciality out of playing despotic nutcases. Not only has he played madman Nero, but also the much more madder man, Tony ‘Caligula’ Blair on TV in ‘The Deal’ and also in the forthcoming movie about Queen Brenda called ‘The Queen’ , (starring Helen Mirren in the title role)…….

Michael - a word of advice to you. If you don’t stop playing power-mad freak-a-zoids you’re going to get typecast. Yesterday it was Blair, today it’s Nero, tomorrow it could be Joe Stalin or even……

"OK, this film about Adolf Hitler, we need some pathos, sentimental Eva Braun moments and lots of psychotic insanity of a man truly on the edge of total madness, invading countries, curtailing civil rights, delivering hysterical speeches etc …… Get me that guy that played Emperor Blair and Prime Minister Nero - you know, Mr Kate Beckinsale"…….

Friday, September 08, 2006

Dear Mr Brown,

I noticed today during your ever so impassioned pleading in your ever so British speech highlighting just how Scotland and England were stronger, confidentier, equalier, virilier, andymurrayier and even sexier (in a suzzy and suspenders way) as a lovee dovee married couple - and not as bickering divorcees. You spat, you glottaled, you damn near exploded in a red, white and blue fountain of invective. Such was your conviction that this little Jimmy Gemstone spewed from your gob –

"And as Scotland prepares for the third Elections to its Scottish Parliament, I believe the people of Scotland will see the positive case for us stronger together weaker apart. A Britain founded on both the devolution of power but also on a partnership which brings us stability, co-operation and mutual support is the best way of expressing the aspirations of the Scottish and British people".

OK, Gordon, mate. Firstly, 85% of the UK population are not the beneficiaries of a Britain founded on the devolution of power – they are, surprise surprise, the people of England.

Secondly "aspirations of the British and Scottish people" - Gordon, last time I looked, Scottish people are British people………. Or, was that a McFreudian slip? – did you mean, ‘Scottish and English people?’…..

Now, Gordon, if you’re going to grab the reins of power and the keys to the whisky cupboard in number 10, you really are going to have to clean your act up and learn to say ‘the word’. I suggest repeating this every night before you turn in. English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English…….

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

More drug fascism.....

"The High Court heard on Thursday the drug had not been approved for NHS use in England and Wales......"
Click here for the full story

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Betcha I know who'll win……

You’ve got to laugh haven’t you? All those councils up and down the country busily putting together their little proposal folders in the hope they will manage to get the SupaCasino awarded to their neck of the woods. What amazes me is they actually seem to think they have a chance of winning.

Two hopes. Bob Hope and no hope. They haven’t got a chance. It’s a done deal – it’s going to Prescott’s mate, Philip Anschutz and his Millennium Dome complex. The allegedly impartial Casino Advisory Panel are the people tasked to peruse all the proposals before impartially and inevitably recommending it goes to the Dome. So confident is the American that he will win, he’s nearly finished the casino building within. So, how did he get planning permission for that then?

Naive councils throughout the country should stop wasting our money on futile SupaCasino bid proposals they haven’t a hope of winning. Governments of all persuasions have after all, got ‘form’ in fixing previous ‘free and fair’ public competitions……..

Remember how the Dome itself came into being? – It was the supposed winner of a National competition to choose a place within the UK to build a celebration of the coming new Millennium. After much presenting from the provinces – it was given to a polluted site in Greenwich…. It cost millions to clean it up and zillions from the Lottery Fund to pay for this biggest of big fat white elephants. As former Tory minister, David Mellor said at the time of the award "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Greenwich"…… And so it was.

Leap forward a few years and the competition to decide where the brand spanking new English national football stadium should go. A good few English cities had a go, including Newcastle, Manchester, Birmingham …. and London, in the form of Wembley Stadium.

The proposals were duly lodged with the Department of Culture’s pet quango. They perused and mused, umm’d and arr’d, before announcing their winner. Amazingly, they announced that Manchester had won the prize. Equally amazingly, they said that Wembley’s bid was the worse of all. Wembley actually came last. Last.

Bizarrely, the quango then criticised Manchester’s bid – and suggested they clarify a few points – as winners, they would have to resubmit with the necessary amendments. Outrageously, as the very worse bid, Wembley would also be given another chance to get it right the next time.

The writing was on the Manchester Town Hall wall, they must have realised then they would lose in the 2 horse race. After all, Manchester already had the site, already had the motorway links, already had the stadium costed and Manchester was about 20 miles from the very centre of England. Ah yes, but they had a big problem – Manchester wasn’t in London.

Inevitably, Wembley won and inevitably, their solution was 5 times the cost of the Manchester one…. As former Tory minister David Mellor said at the time, "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Wembley"…… And so it was………….

(And so it always is).

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Tony Blair – off his trolley.

It happens to them all doesn’t it? They go nuts, succumbing to the deadly Powermad virus. It starts as the ultimate aphrodisiac, with a nice smile and the wearing of the patented power-trousers. It ends with thinning hair, a joke of a wife, toadying to Texicans, speaking to God all the time - and uttering a barrage of utter bollox every single day.

Today’s insane sermon from Mount Blair is about the government taking charge of delinquent kids to stop them doing anti social things before they’ve even done them – in some cases before they have even been born!

Sounds like a bit of the old ‘people profiling’ of the most disadvantaged in our society going on here – but on an industrial scale…… "Now let me see, single Mum called Tracie living on a sink estate, got some tattoos, smokes Park Drive, has a boyfriend called Wayne, watches EastEnders, likes sovereign rings, kebabs and Kylie Minogue….and she’s up the duff with a little Waynette?"

OK, Super', according to our master profiling chart, by the time little Wayne reaches his 15th birthday he's going to be a right little twat...... apparently on the 23 July, 2020 he's going to chuck a brick through old Mrs Tomkins window..... Damage caused includes a really scared cat, ripped chintz curtains, a broken flower vase and the biggest thrill for old Mrs Tomkins since she met that bloke that looked like Steve Harley out of Cockney Rebel in 1978"....

"Blimey, Sarge, there ain't a moment to lose.... Quick, get the Sweeney round to the delivery room right away, this unborn kid needs taking into care!"

BBB (Big Brother Blair), you’re a complete moron. You’re mad, bad and dangerous for us to know you. For God’s sake, go. This is not policy, it’s something you’ve thought up last week while adjusting your trunks aboard the good ship Freebie. And it is shameful.

Tony, maybe your policies should be aimed at trying to fix the social melt down currently bubbling away on sink estates everywhere in the UK. Or perhaps you could find out why the UK has the highest single parent birth rate in Europe – then maybe you and your think tank buddies could devise proper policies to address it instead of chasing meaningless ‘legacy headlines’ to appease your comb-overed vanity.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Party Funding? Why not give them your views?

The powers that be are asking for token feedback from Joe and Jenny Public on the question of Party Funding – before they go ahead and give them a shedload of cash anyway. Hmmmm, now this is a bit of a conundrum (not), do I want our morally bankrupt, fiscally inept political parties to be funded by Jimmy and Janice Taxpayer? Will my humble opinion make any difference to the ultimate outcome?

I think the term I’m groping for is ‘fait accompli’
(English translation: Done up like a kipper, as per usual.)

I knew avoiding cracks on the pavement would work...

OK everyone, time to uncross your fingers, take the four leaf clovers out of your lapel, pack all those lucky horseshoes away and breath a collective sigh of relief, Princess Tony’s back in town.

The fat chumper, John Prescott has been relieved of whatever power he imagined he had.

Mad dog McMad has had his little triangular plastic sign – ‘John Reid – actually in charge while the Princess is away’ taken off Tony’s desk and chucked into the recycling bin.

So, the power mad fundamentalist, slimy war criminal & serial liar once again takes over the helm from the useless fat prat and the Scottish sycophant & part time Glasgow doorman.

Everything’s back to normal then…….

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Mel Gibson is dead.......

Today marks the 701st anniversary of the tragic death of Mel Gibson. The great mad maximillian finally met his gruesome end at Smithfields scaffold in old London town. He was executed after being found guilty of distorting the truth, over-acting, having bad hair and being in possession of the worse Scottish accent ever.

During his final speech atop the scaffold, Gibson thanked his Mom, Dad, therapist, drama coach, the Pope, Jesus and especially God. He didn’t blame anyone for his capture – apart from the English, all Englishmen, anyone from England, all the people living in England and Mike England, the former Welsh centre half footy player. With that, the great antipodean thesp’, drunkard and anti-semite was hung, drawn and quartered.

But even with his body in 4 bits, his guts and dangly bits gently roasting on the nearby fire, the star of Lethal Weapons' 1 to 56 still managed a last desperate gasp. Gibson was heard to shout the word "Freedom" – although some people thought he said "Free Willy" or possibly "Buy one get one free"

We shall never forget him.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Liars….. all of them

Jesus Christ - is anyone out there who will champion the 50 million?

This morning I awoke to hear the news that those nazis at NICE have again been doing their mean minded best to kill off the population of England before our three score years and ten are up.

Two more drugs have joined the ‘sorry, these are not meant for you’ list of lifesaving medicines that people in England are now excluded from being prescribed. Avastin and Erbitux, cutting edge bowel cancer drugs – developed to combat the second biggest cancer killer in Britain are now off limits to 50 million people.

How do I know this when all of the reports I found on the web about the story told of a UK ban? Why, I logged onto the web site of ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ charity. At first it didn’t look too hopeful. I had a look at their press release – this is what it says…

Statement from Hilary Whittaker, Chief Executive, Beating Bowel Cancer on the NICE Final Appraisal Determination on Avastin and Erbitux:

"The decision by NICE not to make these drugs routinely available on the NHS to appropriate patients is a scandal and we strongly urge NICE to reconsider its decision. We are now the only nation in the EU not to offer Avastin and Erbitux to bowel cancer patients in the disease’s advanced stages. Why should patients in the UK be worse off than patients in the rest of Europe?"

Interesting, but just below that press release was an earlier one entitled ‘Welsh patients first in UK to get access to bowel cancer drug on NHS’. I was a bit puzzled at the apparent expansion of the ability of NICE to say ‘no’ to the whole of the UK, and the apparent conflict of information between the 2 press releases - I rang the charity help line.

"Hello, re’ the story about the two bowel cancer drugs being banned, tell me, is it across the whole of the UK – or just England?"

"Oh, well they are available in Wales and Scotland – they are just not available in England"…..

I was gobsmacked. She admitted the information was wrong – and that she would tell Ms Whittaker of the ‘error’….

And that sort of sums it all up really. Even the supposed champions of the afflicted – in this case the ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ charity roll over and spew the lies of Nu Labour as eagerly as any Blairite MP poodle.

I told them they should be absolutely ashamed of the lies – and by not actually taking the tack that everyone in the UK, no, forget that, everyone in Europe except the English were allowed these drugs they had condemned English people to an early death by neglect.

She never said anything. I’ll take that as a ‘yes’…

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Temper, temper, temper….

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit frisky, sort of bolshy, like I wanted to start an argument with someone. No one was around, so I just sat there, clicking my heels and getting frustrated. Fortunately, an old friend came to my rescue. Hats off to the good old BBC and their crap reportage…….

They were doing a piece on how, thanks to tuition top up fees it was just so amazingly expensive for the average British student to go to University nowadays. According to the Beeb, it would leave yer typical UK student around 33 grand in the red by the end of their course. It was during the 1 o’clock lunchtime news with Sophie Rayworth. She introduced the item – and I’m watching and waiting for the word. She doesn’t say it. Then she hands over to some boring Johnny who is the BBC extra special correspondent for further education. And still I’m waiting for the word. It doesn’t come. Boring Johnny waves his arms around and waxes lyrical about "students across the UK having to pay top up fees"….. It’s obvious the word, the ‘E’ word ain’t going to be uttered. Not in this piece-to-camera, anyway. Boring Johnny finishes his piece by fixing his beady eye straight into the camera and proclaiming - "And make no mistake, there is no escape whatsoever for the average student in the UK to avoid top up fees"…..

That did it. Boy, was I pissed off. I picked up the phone and hit the menu. I ring the BBC complaints department so often nowadays, the number is on my most rung discount list….

Some Scottish geezer answered. He had an attitude. He sounded like the character David Walliams does on Little Britain – the one who owns a hotel and blows a piccolo a lot. I gassed on about how the report was entirely inaccurate as per BBC usual. I explained how the reporter and Ms Rayworth had singularly failed to actually mention which students from which country this extra financial burden would actually fall on. And also, which nation’s students would get away Scot free (as per bloody usual), so to speak. In short, I remonstrated, the report failed to say that top ups only apply to students in England and Wales and didn’t apply at all to Scottish students ….

"Hello, are you still there – are you writing this down?"

He said "So, what’s your point?"

I steamed, then repeated what I had just said.

He then told me I was absolutely wrong, wrong, wrong. He told me that Scottish students not only paid as much as English students for basic tuition fees, but were also liable for the top up fees as well.

I laughed.
I laughed my bleeding head off and called him a daft fantasist.
I laughed until my eyes bled and my diaphragm collapsed into a pile of little elastic bands.
I almost died laughing.

He got ratty. His voice ebbed and flowed. Was I actually talking to David Walliams after all?

There then followed an intellectual toe to toe….

To break the chain, I shouted, said something insulting about the Scottish Raj, the White Heather Club and Nicky Campbell. I told him he didn’t know his arse from his elbow, demanded his name (which he wouldn’t give me), then he cut me off.

This is war.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Even more health apartheid from 'NICE'....

OK, look all you English people - just be content with a couple of Asprin and a glass of water for cancer, heart disease, diabetes - and now blindness!

Oh yes, those nasty people at NICE are practising their very own brand of health apartheid on the English once more......... But in Scotland - a different story. They see things a lot more clearly thanks to the Barnett cash. The wonder drug 'Macugan' is available to all who need it. Their eyes are worth more than English ones, obviously (they must have better things to look at).

If you're English and going blind then make sure you make friends with a Scotsman. He can read the paper to you when your eyes finally pack up.

Tony Blair’s holiday check list.

Stopped milk check
Stopped newspapers check
Left cat with friends check
Switched water off at stop cock check
Got Passport check
Got hair thickener spray check
Got Prozac for Cherie check
Got altitude sickness pills check
Got spends check
Got gift for Sir Cliff (Shadows greatest hits) check
Briefed Prezza with ‘don’t touch anything’ strategy check
Solved Africa check
Solved Global Warming check
Solved mid east crisis check
Cooking Gordon’s goose pending

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Jensen does it for England!

Congratulations to Jensen Button on his first ever F1 win in Hungary. Especially satisfying was the after race interview. Jensen kept on using the banned word ‘England’ (back home in England, my mates in England, etc) – whilst the interviewer resolutely preferred the NuLabour approved word, ‘Britain’….

Mad dog says it’s OK.

John ‘Mad Scottie dog’ Reid, England’s Scottish Home Secretary has said it is now ‘OK’ to talk about ‘immigration’ without being labelled as a middle England racist.

Reid said, "We have to get away from this daft so called politically correct notion that everybody who talks about immigration is somehow a racist"…..

Thanks very much Reidy for declassifying a former NuLabour forbidden word.

However, it rings a bit hollow when it has mostly been the NuLabour spin machine calling everyone and his dog a racist if they have so much as past a comment about the rate of inward immigration. Much of NuLabour’s accusations were aimed at hiding their appalling record over the past 9 years. It is they who have stifled debate, it is they who still have no cohesive idea on what they are doing to manage the issue.

Mad dog, I don’t know about "more debate" – forget the talking, I think we need a cohesive plan of action..

Collect ‘road miles’ with Duggie

Duggie Alexander, the rising star Rajanista Transport Secretary has flexed his muscles. Doug has decided to roll out a road pricing "right across the country"…

Hmmmm, and there’s the conundrum. Does he mean ‘right across the UK’ or does he mean ‘right across England’?….

Although the ‘leaked’ letter waxes loftily about the national need for the scheme, I smell some classic NuLabour vagueness about. My guess is he means just across the nation of England – as transport is a bit of a devolved matter nowadays in the UK. Anyway, the Bill is due to be announced during the Queen’s speech in the Autumn…..

I smell trouble when the ever dependent claque of Scottish Labour MPs troop in to vote for the legislation – especially as north of the border, they may be operating a different system.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Another day, another article about England's raw deal

Every day in every way, the message is spreading wider and wider. England's democratic deficit is apparent to many, many people around the world. However, it appears that the ostriches of the ruling Scottish Raj are too busy to notice - probably until it's too late......

The tipping point is getting closer and closer.......

That fish is oours!

English fishermen in Northumberland are being denied a share of a bumper Mackerel harvest in the North Sea. Apparently, The Scottish Executive have claimed them for Scotland……. The Northumberland fishermen are holding their breaths and waiting for the English Executive to fight on their behalf…. Or you could just sign the petition here.

England - picking up the scraps yet again

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Dangerous terrorist elected onto NEC…

Ninja Wolfgang, cunningly disguised as an 82 year old giving secret police plod the body swerve

Walter ‘Gobbo’ Wolfgang, the uber heckler and suspected terrorist heroically and bravely disarmed at last year’s NuLabouremburg Rally has been elected onto the party’s ruling National Executive Committee.

Apparently, he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t open his gob at the meetings. But if he does dare to speak, then he has to agree with Princess Tony. On the other hand, if he happens to disagree, then Messers Knuckles and Crusher will be on hand to beat the crap out of him until he does agree…….

Gordon Brit wins award…

My favourite prudent Chancellor has been named the UK’s most influential disabled person ……. Which was a bit of a surprise to me really, as I didn’t know he suffered from any affliction, aside from his pathetic grasp of English history… (and his crap ability at doing sums)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Bradley Wiggins - commits to the Tour of Britain.

Bradley with bike totty at the launch do

Olympic champ and ace English cyclist, Bradley Wiggins has categorically stated that he's going to compete in this year's Tour of Britain Bike Race.

Interviewed during the do to celebrate the launch of the Tour, Bradley spelt out exactly why he was donning his Spandex and his cycle clips.

Bradley said "This bike race is certainly important for an Englishman. As a sport, we haven't really shone as much as we have now and every year something else comes along - the Tour de France next year, the Olympics and it's never ending.".

Bradley, mate. As a proud Englishman, I think we could shine just a little bit more if we were allowed to compete in the Tour of Britain bike race as Team England. Unfortunately, the fascist bike nazis from British Cycling and the doormats from Sport England just won't let us have our own team.

To celebrate Bradley's 'Im English and proud' persona, he'll be cycling for either the 'Cofidis' or 'Great Britain' team.

Makes you proud to be English eh, Bradley? Oh, and Bradley, mate - until we get our own team in the race - it's not important, it's totally irrelevant (at least to this Englishman).

Monday, July 31, 2006

The fraud Blair’s pregnant pauses.

Another disaster, another opportunity for our glorious leader to practise his acting skills…..

"OK, Tony luv, for this performance, I want pathos, I want pain, I want abject misery….. oh, and throw in a couple of those really long pauses luv. They go down a storm in the USA"….

Tony Blair’s televised statement last night about the appalling massacre in Qana, Lebanon was so sickening. As usual, the troubled staccato delivery was rolled out, Blair, the near weeping leader, with his big doe eyes filling with the salty angst of the world, searching, grasping for words from the Tony Blair lexicon of pain. The pauses grew ever pregnantier, the wistful looks onto a far horizon grew more Braveheart-like. He battled to control the big mass of glottal trembling in his throat. Could he control it, or would he suddenly burst into tears?

Somehow, somehow, our champ of champs managed to pull it off. Tone delivered the eulogy, the little children suffered and died under a 500 lb bomb, precision delivered by an Israeli F16 jet. His bottom lip trembled, the furrowed brow, etched with years of noble sacrifice for the public good aged his youthful good looks by at least another 50 years. Wearily, exhausted and broken, he sighed, his eyes cast down in silent tribute to the fallen youth of Lebanon……… Still, not to worry Tone, cheer up and dry your eyes yer miserable twat – you’ll soon be on your freebie holibobs at Cliff’s mansion in Barbados……..

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

English people pay the cost – then the price (yet again)

Oh dear, the trend is growing.... another cancer drug denied to English people - even though it’s available right now to every single developed country in the world – (including Wales and Scotland, obviously)…

The drug is Velcade’ – and is used to treat bone cancer. Those really horrible people at ‘NICE’ have put an embargo on the roll out of this drug in England – because it’s going to cost a few bob to buy. Maybe they prefer the tried and trusted (but always futile) old wives method of boiling nettle leaves, painting the mixture onto a toad and burying it up a donkey’s jacksie as the cure for English people to take….

For some reason I was watching ‘The Wright Stuff’ on Channel 5 this morning. Welsh MP and part time underpants internet model, Chris Bryant was guesting – and reviewed the story. He said "It is very interesting that the relevant health services in different parts of the country choose to spend their money on different drug treatments – on diabetic drugs for instance – rather than the latest cancer drugs….. He seemed to think it was a matter of choice – and that the whole of England had chosen diabetic over cancer treatment.

Well I was pretty damned impressed. Not with his analytical and forensic assessment (there was none) – but with his ability to stop himself from laughing his head off while he was actually uttering such facile drivel….