Thursday, December 14, 2006

David Lammy, where’s the beef?

Today I received an envelope through the post. It was from my junior guardian of national identity at the department of culture and sport, David Lammy. I opened it and looked in vain for the ‘Happy Winterval from Britishland, love Dave L . XXX’ card - but it wasn't there.

Instead there was a letter concerning Daniel Kawczynski’s EDM supporting the cause for Jerusalem to be installed as the national anthem of England. I’d sent a short note about it to Mrs Comatose, my local MP (motto, a clean desk means bugger all to do) – true to form, she simply forwarded it into the culture spiel machine.

I’m sure this reply is via the stock bullshit software beloved of government departments – But maybe there was a glitch in the system because I haven’t a bleeding snoop doggy dog what the hell he is talking about.

’As you may know, it is the tune which constitutes the authorised part of the National Anthem in the United Kingdom and not the words. The latter are traditional and the choice of words and verses to be used on any particular occasion is one for those concerned. Whilst the National Anthem is the anthem for the whole of the United Kingdom, the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment.

Mr OK’s comments have been carefully noted, but there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’.

So what’s he saying? Are they thinking of changing the words? Was ‘Flower of Scotland’ presented to the Queen as a new anthem for the Scots? Is everyone in the UK allowed their own anthem apart from the English? Why do the two statements ‘the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment’ jar so much with ’there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’…. Does Dave think that Scotland and Wales can just do willy nilly national anthems - but England cannot?

I intend to get back to Lammy to clarify this rubbish letter. I don’t hold my breath for a logical response..

Mr Blair, Mr Blair, have you been caught bang to rights?


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

T’was Christmas Day in the…..

My diligent sister Jennifer has been ferreting away in the dark recesses of our family tree and come up with a few surprises.

This week, she’s found out that my great, great Grandmother, Elizabeth Montgomery, came to a tragic and typically Victorian end at the tender age of 29 years. She died in the Liverpool Workhouse of Typhus. (The workhouse was situated right under the newish Catholic Cathedral, known locally as 'Paddy's Wigwam')

The shock wasn’t that she died in the workhouse – but that it happened so comparatively recently….

Bob Piper

I’ve blogged with Bob for years. We swapped links virtually in the first week of his blog life. I met him through mutual blogging acquaintances like ‘Occupied Country’, ‘Johnny Billericay’ and ‘Our man in Hanoi’… Back then he was quite witty – and I enjoyed his one eyed old Labour cynicism – and his distaste for Tony Blair and the Nu Labour circus of hogwash and hyperbole.

I must admit though that over the last couple of years he’s changed. He’s got angrier, more spiteful and erratic…. And after looking at his blog – especially over the last few days, I wonder where he has misplaced his plot – for he has surely lost it.

Bob – what the hell were you thinking of?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Ruth Kelly - all woman?

God, what a yawn BBC’s Questiontime is. The banality of the Q&As, David (not as good as his Dad) Dimbleby’s crap refereeing, the standard off-pat replies of the politicians and the Tourette-like garglings of Martin (not as good as his Dad either) Amis combined to produce another show to forget….. except for one thing…. Something stood out.

Ruth Kelly, Minister for Communities was on the panel. Amazingly, she didn’t look like the back of a bus or a bag lady after a night on the gin…. She’d had a sort of ‘makeover’… New hair do, new make-up regime, posh twin set straight out of Maggie’s wardrobe - ….. but there was something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that made her look different….

And then it hit me. I suddenly realised why last night Ruth Kelly finally looked almost womanlike, she’s shaved her beard off.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Nu Labour and ‘Planning’ - the latest spin story…

Today it’s all about ‘Planning’. The UK Government is rolling out a whole new book of rules for the planners. Apparently, so the spin goes, (and as enthusiastically reported by the BBC) England is awash with objections to planning applications for conservatories, outside bog conversions and kitchen extensions - so much so that something just has to be done!

Our far-sighted Government, ever anxious to improve the lot of your average English person has decided that this prevarication simply must stop. ‘Planning’ has just got to be made easier. In future they’ll be leaning on the lean-to fascist, kicking the conservatory nimby in the nuts and saying "YES" to that all important roof conversion for young Sharon and her expected little bundle of joy.

The killjoys, – uber upvc troublemakers most of them, will not in future be able to object on the grounds of ‘taste’, and ‘bringing the rest of the neighbourhood down’… From now on, planning permission objectors will be given the red card….

So, as well as Sharon’s roof conversion, Bob and Mary’s spanking new citadel of conservatory living and little Johnny’s new bedroom over the garage - those nimby nazis won’t be able to object to the friendly new nuclear power station being built at the end of the road. Which is a bit of a pity as it has somewhat ruined Bob and Mary’s south facing panoramic window facility.

Sharon can whistle Dixie if she thinks she can stop the 500 tonnes of slightly warm nuclear sludge being buried underneath her newly converted little bit of heaven in the roof space. And little Johnny? Well if he wants to have a play in a field, best get his Mum to take him by car – through the brand new 250,000 house development that has just sprung up outside his bedroom window….

Note:The new relaxation of the Planning laws will only affect England, obviously. The reason being that both Scotland and Wales have said that they will not be taking any nuclear waste to bury, or indeed building any nuclear power stations.

They have however said they would both like to have some cheap nuclear energy when the new stations are built in England.

Their planning laws are there to preserve the integrity of their respective countries. Ours are to be amended to enable Nu Labour to further advance ‘Operation English Shithole’……

Monday, December 04, 2006

Amazing Stories…..

Just one of these fantastic stories is true, but which one is it?

Jose Mourino says he’s not that special after all…

George W Bush admits "Iraq – it was all my fault - and I am in fact an utter berk"…

Fear that Tony Blair is a victim of manipulation. Mi5 discover string coming from elbows, knees, nose, feet - and mouth…

Gordon Brown changes name to ‘John Bull’….

Mischievous Goblins discovered putting the hex on new Wembley… Chief Goblin captured "We also did for the Dome as well" he said….

MPs press for 66% pay increase because they say "they’re worth it"….

Go on, be amazed, PRESS HERE to find out which is the true story...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Kate Muir joins the AA Gill club of bitchy anti Englishness

Well that’s a shock. Yet another Scottish writer living and working in England decides to slag off the natives with a barrage of sneering invective. This time it’s Times columnist, Kate Muir’s turn to indulge herself in the black art of England bashing, (along with some familiars down at the local hairdressers).

No longer content to pass the hair-drying time discussing the weather, boring sex life or latest episode of Corry, the word apparently down at Muir’s salon is how crap the English are.

"As a Briton living in London, I know the picture is weirder and darker than this. New stereotypes are emerging from the maw of England, and many of them are ugly. You need only ask your hairdresser. Mine is a well-read, well-travelled Spaniard who has lived here for ten years; her sidekick, holding the foils as we put tiger stripes in my hair, is Italian, and has been here for four years.

"What do you think about first when you think of the English?" They laugh, cagily. "I’m Scottish," I say. "You can trust me."

"Bling," says the Italian. "Particularly among the 15-25s. All that fake blonde hair and too-big, too-much jewellery. I mean, in Italy we wear gold, but not like that…"

"Drinking," says the Spaniard. "Being so drunk you can’t speak every time you go out; the lack of calm, civilised drinking." Her face contorted in horror: "Alcopops!"

"Incompetence," they both agree, as proved by the subjects of our reality TV shows. "In Spain, we know how to eat well, how to garden, how to look after our children. We don’t need the government sending us supernannies or Gillian McKeith looking at our shit. As for not knowing how to clean your house…" There’s a derisory snort. "The food’s not as bad as it was, though. At least you can get a good Indian or a gastropub in London." So that’s half a point in Britain’s favour. "But why is everyone so fat?"

So there you go – the current English national stereotype is a dna stuffed with blinging drinking incompetence wrapped around a suit of lard.….

What I don’t understand is if the English are so cruddy why would these three coiffures of opinion: a Scot, a Spaniard and an Italian bother to stay here? Why don’t they sod off home? But they won’t will they? They’ll stay here, hating us sneering at us, poncing off us, screwing us and abusing us. Maybe Muir is trying to escape her national dish of deep fried Mars Bars and a pint of heavy. Maybe the hairdressers are masochists…. Maybe they don’t do hairdos in Spain and Italy?…

One thing’s for certain, Ms Muir has joined uber Scottish jerk, AA Gill on the list of small minded Scottish tosspots who like to diss our country. Her article is lazy, cheap, ignorant and stereotypically formulaic. My suggestion for next week’s piece by Ms Muir is an in-depth study on the cuisine of the Scots… deep fried Mars Bars and Bridies included.

And Ms Muir, next time when you're at the hairdressers, I just hope you don't meet my Missus getting her fringe trimmed...... She has some very derogatory opinions on gobby Scots.... for some reason she has a problem with sneering hacks slagging an entire nation off.