Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Neil the merciless mullers Ming, the old git..

(and I knee Hughesy, the habitual liar in the gonads)

Superb, just superb on BBC’s ‘Daily Politics’ show today. Rottweiler, Andrew Neil did a bloody amazing job on Ming Campbell and his blatherings about Scottish MPs voting on English only matters. Ming reckoned he had only received one solitary letter on this matter in the last 12 months …. And that was from a Scotsman! Neil was incredulous & amazed and actually said every day the Daily Politics email facility is swamped by irate English people complaining about the current democratic deficit.

I have a feeling Ming the man who cannot read will be getting sacks full of mail about it from now on.

After ‘Ming the old’, it was the turn of ‘Hughes the liar’. Neil grilled him about telling lies, untruths, etc. Hughes tried to act all statesmanlike, but instead looked like a shifty second hand car dealer. Just then ‘Jenny’ the well fit, brain of a planet co host read out an email – it was mine!!!!

I asked Simon Hughes, habitual liar the following –

Can Simon Hughes explain why only a few months ago he declared his support for an English Parliament, only to jettison this view once he declared his intention to lead the LibDems.

I thought politics was all about belief, passion and HONESTY - clearly I am mistaken.

Guess what, Simon said he’d always said he wanted EvoEM – and he had always been up front about that…… Liar, liar, Hughes’ pants on fire….

If you want to view the programme, just to see Andrew Neil, TV’s only champion of an English voter, click here and load the video button. You can also see sweaty Hughes replying to my email.

Monday, February 27, 2006

St Patrick - the marketing opportunity

Someone sent me this promo email from ASDA

Subject: Enjoy St. Patrick's Day with ASDA

Enjoy a taste of Ireland this St. Patrick's Day
Take advantage of our special St. Patrick's Day offers and give yourself a day to remember on March 17th.

I wonder if they’ll be doing a St George’s Day promotion?….. Somehow I doubt it - so maybe we should tell them they should?

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Scotland - it's time to grow up.....

It wasn’t just the craven jingoism oozing from every sweaty tartan pore. It wasn’t even the anti English lyrics spewing out of the Murrayfield sound system, courtesy of the tartan duo, 'The Proclaimers'. The lighting was a bit over the top though. Subdued when England trotted out, it exploded into life when the Scots appeared. It was all Hallelujah chorus and lightening bolts, I mean, was it the Scottish rugby XV taking to the field or was it Jesus, his 12 disciples, the Pope and Mary Magdalene about to play England? The National Anthems were a bit of a pain… God, how I wish we had one.

All that I could stand – even the result didn’t unduly concern me. England lost, Scotland played well, I can handle that…. I mean, it’s a game for God’s sake - it’s not a war is it?…..

Is it?

Well to view the pre-game ‘entertainment' you’d think we were still in the Middle Ages. It’s Scotland versus England again – so let’s all don the woad, dress in the tribal tartan, dig out the claymores, clubs and dirks – and lets go and hunt invading Englishmen. There they all were – on the rugby pitch at Murrayfield doing the old ‘Braveheart’ routine. Instead of teenage majorettes with pom-poms, I watched a group of dressed up weirdos doing a little re-enactment of the battle of Stirling Bridge, where William Wallace beats the invading English…

And that is what really sodding well bugs me. With Scotland and the Scottish psyche, it’s all about England – a big ugly, bullying, teutonic neighbour constantly invading Scotland, a little noble Country trying very hard to mind its own business…….

And, according to them, it has always been so, hasn’t it? They’re always quoting Stirling Bridge, Bannockburn, Dunbar, Falkirk, Wallace, and Essex boy Robert the Bruce as examples of English aggression, because it’s all one way, right?

No, actually, it ain’t….
I’ve been delving into a few history books – you’ll be surprised just how many times the wild men from the north have sallied south to try and grab a piece of dear old Albion.

It’s quite a list….

Scots invade Northumbria and win at the battle of Carham in 1018 – thus annexing all Northumbrian and hence English land stretching from Edinburgh to the River Tweed.

King Malcolm III of Scotland invades England in 1093 his army is beaten and he is at killed at the battle of Alnwick.

King David of Scotland invades England in 1138 – and is beaten at the battle of The Standard.

Scots invade and start pillaging and stuff in Northumberland. An English army meets them at the battle of Halidon Hill – Although the Scots outnumber the English, 14,000 to 9,000 - they are soundly spanked, losing 4,500 troops killed to English fatalities of just 15.

King David II of Scotland invades England in1346 and is beaten and taken prisoner at the battle of Neville’s Cross

The battle of Otterburn in 1388 – Earl Douglas and his Scots army invade England and defeats Harry Hotspur and his English army.

The battle of Humbleton Hill in 1402. Hotspur gains revenge in the return leg, this fixture as per all the others, also played on English soil due to the fact that the Scots had invaded - yet again
King James IV of Scotland invades England in 1513 and is beaten and killed at the battle of Flodden Field in Northumberland.

Then there’s the Scottish interference during the English civil war - and that posh French prat, Bonnie Prince Charlie and his mad excursion down to Derby – and of course, not forgetting the current campaign of Westminster occupation by the Scottish Raj….

One day, the Scots are going to lose their misty, one-eyed skewed view of history and grow up. It is no wonder that south of the border, attitudes are hardening towards our northern neighbours – who knows, maybe next season, at Twickenham, we'll have a re-enactment of a noble English army bravely defending our homeland against an aggressive Scotland, after all, there’s plenty of battles to have a go at….

Friday, February 24, 2006

The question of the day......

This letter in today’s Scotsman asks the fundamental question of our time….. Who supports Scotland?

Hmmmmm, that's a toughie – but I reckon the answer could be somewhere in this list... Is it -
a) The E.C.
b) The wee folk at the bottom of the garden.
c) Money raised from the hated ‘kilt tax.’
d) Contributions from the ‘Friends of Braveheart’ Society.
e) The mug punters from south of the border

Letter, Scotsman, 24/02/06……

Who supports Scotland?
Bill Jamieson (Between the Lines, 2 February) places the alarming economic growth figures that have been known or strongly suspected by producers for years, in the public domain. I hope the non-producers of Holyrood, local government, public services and other service industries take note.
A country must produce and export to survive. Scotland's production is in decline, yet half the working population draws income from the public purse, either directly or indirectly. Worse still, it would appear they want to draw more through above-inflation wage rises or the equivalent reduction in working hours and guaranteed pension rights that are and will be drawn a decade or more than those in the "production" sector, to name just two.

Yet, the "production" sector has to pick up the tab generally via stealth taxation and hidden-cost red tape, while it battles alone against surging globalisation pressures. Many small business members have had to reduce or even stop payment into their pension schemes in the past few years.
The public purse has been squandered through exercises in futility propelled by political dogma. Unless the "non-producers" accept their livelihood and future is firmly in the hands of successful and prosperous producers, Scotland, the United Kingdom and the European Union at large will be consigned to third-world status.
Just like global warming, it is time to start tackling the problem now and not pass the problem to our children.

Davy mate, nae bather.

Brown and Barnett are propping up the Scottish state nice and cushty. The mug punter trusting mushrooms from down south have long pockets stuffed full of cash, and short memories stuffed full of NuLabour propaganda.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Oborne mullers Blair and Clarke….

Did anyone see Channel 4 ‘Dispatches - Spinning Terror’ on Monday night and Peter Oborne’s excellent hatchet job on New Labour’s manipulation of the terror threat? It was amazing, Blair acting like the all-powerful political despot that he most certainly is, Charles Clarke took the part of a red eared, ruddy complexioned prat and fall guy.

Some of the stuff in the programme was truly shocking…. But then again, it wasn’t. Oborne confirmed yet again, Blair is a dangerous, self-delusional power obsessed junkie. So what’s new? Blair is completely mad – but that’s hardly news is it?

Oborne has written a piece that mirrors the programme

Portrait of a madman

Sunday, February 19, 2006

BBC's 'The Politics Show' sees the light?

Street cred reporter, Max Cotton did a piece on the show today. He was at an old folks home in Berwick upon Tweed, border town between England And Scotland. He was comparing the care that old people get in both countries.

Now this was interesting, conflict, unfairness, Barnett formula…. All were surely going to be in this hard-hitting report, weren’t they?

The piece opened, Max stated that it’s win, win, win for your average Scottish old person – even if you’re the Duke and Duchess of Argyle the Scottish state picks up the nursing home tab – leaving you to bequeath your castles, grouse moors, art collection, salmon rivers and London pad to your kids ….. Meanwhile in skint old Blighty, you have to be living in a cardboard box to qualify for any state aid at all. (And even then they take the cardboard box off you for recycling!)

At the old folks home in Berwick, ‘street cred Max’ shoved his big enquiring mike into the face of the Manager. She told Max that even though they were in England, as they were on the border, they had quite a few Scots resident there as well. She also told him the Scottish Executive send cheques through every week for their people. Of course, the English old ’uns had to sell their 2 up 2 downs to live in the home…….

Max, the dog with a mike was onto something – he pressed relentlessly onward. "So is there friction between the Scottish and English residents?" The manager confirmed there was. She also confirmed that the English residents were angry and baffled as to why they had to pay – but the Scots didn’t.

So there it was – the consequences of the Barnett formula in a micro-crusty environment….

Surely, ace reporter, Max Cotton would find out why such a thing was happening? He went to the local MP. Lib Dem Scot Alan Beith is the member for Berwick. Alan couldn’t really help. He sort of waffled a bit about how we in this country needed to aim at the utopia of free old people’s residential care – like they have in Scotland. Nothing though about what an absolute bloody outrage it all was for his aged constituents having to pay when others do not.…..

Alan was nervous, you could tell that he was waiting, waiting, waiting for the the question on why Scotland can afford it, yet England cannot. No need to worry on that score though, Max never asked him.

Next, ‘Scoop Cotton’ went to see Andrew Lansley, Shadow Health Secretary to try and get him to shed some light on this cash conundrum. Andrew was brutal, uncompromising, square-jawed. Andrew said there was "No chance" of there ever being state subsidised old people’s residential care in this Country.

‘Scoop’ didn’t ask him why Scotland could do it but we couldn’t….. I sense a pattern emerging here.

After that, it sort of petered out, we went back to the studio. I picked up the ‘phone, selected number 6 and hit the autodial …"Hello, is that BBC complaints department……. Bla, bla, bla, Call himself a reporter – he was rubbish! Cotton didn’t ask why Scotland could afford it but we cannot, it’s the most obvious thing to ask – but he never asked it … but I know why, I’ll tell him if you put me through….. Well I’ll tell you why then"……

If you want to see Cotton’s report, go here and click on the video button. It’s the last bit of the show – so advance the button to about seven eighths along.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Brain of a planet panel forget about England (Somehow)….…..

Question Time – BBC 1 – they really don’t like me
I applied again to get into the audience on the BBC Question Time Show tonight. It was broadcast from Preston, a mere 15 miles away. I didn’t manage it, they didn’t even reply to my application – but then again, they never do. Over the years, I must have applied around 20 times in all….. The silence is deafening…. Do you think it’s something I've said (or maybe something I might say?)

Never mind, I’ll be a virtual member of the audience
Still, I always watch it on the box – and every week it’s always the same old Dimbleby inspired waffle. Forensic and analytical it ain’t, broad brush and inaccurate it most certainly is. This week’s panel had a crew straight from the planet Motley. The LibDem rep’ was a guy with the name like a 70’s pornstar, Lord ‘give it to me baby’ Razzall. The Tory presence was Theresa ‘Jimmy Choo’ May, Vain Peter Hain and his amazingly tanned skin was the yes monkey Government mouthpiece…….

And so to the independents. These, supposedly cerebral, supposedly intelligent free thinkers, unfettered by the Pavlovian party instincts of the other three are there to represent us and not just any dogmatic political cause. Step forward former political heavyweight, wearer of enormous white Y-fronts and confirmed Thatcher hater, John ‘jowls’ Sergeant.

To offset Sergeant’s smacked arse complexion and Quasimodo good looks, the Beeb wheeled in Kat Fletcher, President of the Students Union. She’s young, blonde and gobby… (and a lot easier on the eye than the rest of the panellists)…

The show
Basically the usual. Dimbleby avoiding controversy, cutting short any thread of debate. Ignorance, dogma, simplistic rubbish repeated ad nausiem by all of them - but especially by the Tanned-Man. He really is an absolute berk. He must be thankful Prescott is still in the Cabinet, otherwise Hain would undoubtedly assume the mantle of Government Turnip (as opposed to Government tin of creosote)…..

Anyway, I sat there waiting for it. The question. The question that will justify exactly why Kat Fletcher, funky young Pres’ of the SU was on the panel. With five minutes to go, some guy in the audience with a 70’s mullet hair do, asks it.

The question
Mullet man "Does the panel think that the reason for lower student numbers at Universities is due to the imposition of tuition fees"….

The reaction
Tanned-man could be heard whittering away in the background…. "No, no, no, no".
God, a 2 year old could have done better.

The other panellists all had a go, "It’s got to be paid for, bla, bla, bla" ….. "The LibDems would get rid of it, bla, bla, bla"…. "That’s not right, student numbers are going up, and where’s the top-up tan cream, bla, bla, bla"….

Well that was predictable, 4 proverbial eggheads all sort of forgetting that the fall in the number of students going to universities only applies to England. Scottish and Welsh universities are getting record student applications, thanks very much. Never mind I thought. Kat will do the bizz and let everyone know the truth. I daydreamed… "Look ‘Tan-Man and the rest of you old fart dudes, like, you know, when are students in England going to get the same deal as their Scottish and Welsh dude bro’s and sisters? I mean, like, you know, it just isn't like fair, man, is it?"

Here it comes, Hain’s going to have his tan sweated out of him. His collar looks tight, healthy tan is turning high blood pressure lobster red. Kat drew breath. Kat spoke. This rebel, this disrespecter of old panellists, old establishment farts, old party doormats who cannot tell the difference between Britain and England and are content to see inequality within the union, would surely put the student boot in.

Blimey, how wrong can I be? Kat’s a younger version of all the others, she seems completely oblivious to Scottish and Welsh students good fortune and English students tough taters. She, along with everyone else on the panel haven’t mentioned England, preferring to insert the word ‘Britain’ instead…… She said she was "against tuition fees, and wished Britain free of them"….. I’m stunned, maybe she didn’t do Geoggers at school?

Good bloody grief, I just do not bloody well believe it, are these people having a bloody laugh or what? Why can’t anyone ever tell the truth about the rubbish deal handed out to the English on tuition fees, on healthcare, on old people’s care, on the democratic deficit…….. "Like it ain't fair man is it, creosote dude?".

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Hmmmmm, now that is a surprise…. (not).

This year, there appears to be a shortfall in applications of English students going to Universities in England of around 13,000 places. Meanwhile, up in Scotland and Wales, Uni’ places are over-subscribed….

I wonder why?
(clue, 2 words, one beginning with ‘T’, the other ‘F’).

Contrast and compare….. The cost of things and the value of them….

Ann Marie Rogers, refused Herceptin treatment in the High Court today due to the excessive cost of treatment.
Cost of 1 year’s course of treatment in England - £20,000.

Cost of 1 year’s course of treatment in Scotland - £0. (courtesy of the English taxpayer).

Tony Blair, travelling to South Africa earlier this week to attend a 2 day conference on trade. Tony’s preferred mode of transport for this noble act – a private, specially chartered luxury jet liner. (With double bed, conference room, full comms suite – and as much freebie alcohol as could get down his neck).
Cost of chartering proxy ‘BlairForce 1’ for trip - £175,000.

Cost of flying to Jo’burg, 1st class return’ - £6,000. (including really soft toilet paper and all the free peanuts you can eat).

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Gordon Brown savaged by jug eared, dead sheep .....

I got up extra especially early today; dour Gordon was on BBC's 'Sunday AM'. Hosted by Andrew Marr, the original Mr Potato-Head, I'd sort of expected a bit of a probing and a bit a hand bagging from the former BBC chief political reporter towards the miserable pretender.

Marr knows all about England's constitutional deficit - he's written about it many, many times. So with the imperial handover imminent, what better time for Brown to be nailed about all things Brown does not have a mandate on. I should have known better – and I should have stayed in bed. Marr merely performed the role of thrower of friendly full tossed questions of banality to a barely interested Brown. BBC Blair stoogism is dead, long live the repackaged Brown stoogism

I know 'Sunday AM' is supposed to be a bit of magazine mix from a typical Sunday supplement, but really, what's the point of having the Chancellor on if you're not going to ask him pertinent questions that will undoubtedly be raised when Brown assumes control. Marr simply repeated the usual standards on education, on Iraq, on Muslim extremism, on international terrorism. Brown trotted out the party line on all of them.......


Next week, Andrew Marr investigates the prejudice against jug eared people in the UK. His guests include, King Edward-Spud, 'Plug' from the Beano and the FA Cup.
He also interviews Saddam Hussein from his Iraq jail cell and grills him relentlessly about his crimes against humanity. In this hard hitting session, Marr, as single minded as a sex starved Jack Russell in a room full of fluffy cushions interrogates Saddam on the really important issues that affect the `Middle East. For instance, can Saddam "really justify having avocado bathroom suites in all of his palaces" and "Is the moustache real?"

Saturday, February 11, 2006

On the ball? – Well, only ‘hollers’ was..

This afternoon’s footy analysis programme on BBC 1 had the studio pundits discussing the England Manager vacancy with some vigour. The show’s anchor, Manish Bhasin, a man who knows jack all about football, kicked it off with his declaration that "The next England Manager just has to be British doesn’t he boys?"

Preston born proud Irishman, Mark Lawrenson enthused in agreement and declared that the FA should go for "The best British man for the job – and that man was Martin O’Neil"
Manish nodded, no doubt, thankful that the BBC’s ‘English is British consensus’ was being followed by both to the letter….

Fortunately, the other footy pundit hadn’t yet read the edict from BBC, PCHQ. Queens Park Rangers’ manager Ian Holloway, Englishman and pundit virgin shoved his oar in. "Well I think the next England manager has just got to be English – someone like Sam Allardyce would be great"…..

Manish and Mark looked at each other in bewilderment. It was as if Holloway, the new footy philosopher on the block had just let off a ‘silent but deadly’. The studio fell silent. Fortunately, Manish, the no knowledge of football, football anchor suddenly sprang to life. "Great, well let's look at the Wigan – Liverpool game"……..

Somehow, I just don’t think Ian Holloway will be back in the glitzy world of BBC footy punditry in the future…….

Meanwhile, Barry Davies, says what he means….

Last night, the BBC’s man at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony started to wax lyrical. Whilst people were skating around with rockets on their heads and generally making a complete arse of themselves, Baz mused what the opening ceremony at London in 2012 might be like.

Davies thought that having something from Shakespeare’s Henry V would be good – maybe a bit of "for God, Harry and St George!!!’…… Maybe not, it wouldn’t fit in with the P.C. brigade"….

Well that was a bit of a surprise, but then again, maybe it wasn’t. Davies is retiring straight after the Games and has no doubt already chucked his BBC – PC Guide in the recycling bin.

Monday, February 06, 2006

MISSING (in Clacton?)

Has anyone seen this irritating little man?


Answers to the name of ‘busy-body-bobby’, ‘Saint Ian’ and ‘God’s Plod’ this publicity-seeking obsessive can often be seen shoving his boat into any TV camera he can find. Blair should be approached with extreme caution as he has dangerous delusions of being a politician.

Walks with a bit of a limp due to the hair shirt and barb wire underpants he wears to assuage the guilt of the entire western world. His disappearance is all the more worrying – especially as this man is institutionally nosy.

Please check your outside lavatory, he may be in there hand wringing to excess repeating over and over "If I arrest those guys calling for beheadings, does that make me an institutional policeman?"

Sir Ian Blair - being stalked by a big gate.......
Careful – this man is ‘I.S.’ (institutionally stupid)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

McConnell accused of being a creep...

Jack McConnell is to be investigated by Westminster MPs over his attempts to extend Scottish Executive influence across the globe.

Two influencial House of Commons committees are preparing to launch inquiries into what MPs describe as the First Minister's 'mission creep' ....... full story here

Apparently, good old Jack has been going around the world 'bigging up' Scotland at the expense of 'Brand Britain'..... Looks like Jack hasn't read Gordon's 'ain't it great to be British' speech.......

Saturday, February 04, 2006

New year, old campaign……

Just flagging this up – The Tour of Britain 2006 will take place from the 29th August to 3rd September this year. And as all you England cycle fans will be aware, last year’s race did not have an English team – even though Welsh, Scottish and Irish teams entered. There actually was a team of English riders, but they were cunningly camouflaged as a British team.

The British cycling bosses must be made to put an English team into the race. Time to get writing again, people!

Stop Press! Tired of the hum and drum of modern life? Then you too could have a career in Scottish cycling! How about this –

Scottish Cycling
Salary scale £30,000 - £38,000 per annum
Scottish Cycling, the national governing body for cycling in Scotland, wishes to make the following appointment to assist in the expansion and development of the sport.

Click here for the full job description

It doesn’t say in the ad’, but I’m sure that one of the qualifications for the job must be an ability to trot out at least 20 reasons why England cannot have it’s own team in the Tour of Britain race…

But, having said that, I am going to apply, ‘Director of Operations’ can’t be too hard can it……. Changing inner tubes, tightening brake wires and the like I suppose?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The provincial press shows the way – again!

In common with other provincial ‘papers throughout England, our local ‘un is joining the ever growing band crying ‘foul’ at the top of their red-topped voices. How these little publications put the nationals to shame on the issue of the democratic deficit within England.

Our local is the Ormskirk Advertiser, this week’s edition has the banner 'Highway Robbery' and screams at how the town’s long awaited bypass has been chucked in the bin, courtesy of the pie eating puppet-master’s North West Regional Assembly. The righteous indignation is wonderful to read – compare and contrast that with the bloody woeful response from our Labour poodle MP, Rosie ‘nodding dog’ Cooper. The locals are really steaming, especially the councillors who have been battling for years to get this road built. This bit especially got my attention from a councillor –

"What is really astounding to us is that Greater Manchester will get 50% of the money allocated for new road schemes in the next decade, Merseyside 20% and the huge area of Cheshire, Lancashire and Cumbria will only get the remaining 30% between them. Little wonder the Ormskirk Bypass is not included!"

And this bit – do you think the penny is dropping?

The North West Regional Assembly was sent regional transport priorities for review by the Department. Of 25, only one is in Lancashire and that is the Heysham bypass.

The county councillors said Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott had scrapped elected regional assemblies: "Yet lo and behold we have a decision given to an unelected body which has contracted private consultants to evaluate all proposed road schemes in the region and their recommendations have been accepted."

The normal process, they say, would have been for each county to have prioritised their own schemes. Had this been the case, Ormskirk's bypass would have gone ahead as Lancashire's second priority in its 10-year programme.......

Looks like the dead hand of secret agent, 'Melton Mobray' has been on the case here, I think..... Who exactly was it said that Regional Assemblies would deliver services more effectively to local communities?

Clue – He’s fat, he’s round, he’s thick as a brick and he’s crap.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Oscar nominations,the lion & the fraud monkey…

Yesterday, amid much hooplah, kissy-kissy and hyperbole, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the nominations for this year’s Oscar ceremony……

It was a bit disappointing really - especially in the ‘Best Actor’ category. Joaquin Phoenix was there for his portrayal of moody C & W hell-raiser, ‘snorting’ Johnny Cash – as was the bloke playing the gay cowboy in ‘Brokeback Mountain’……

But where was the consummate professional, the daddy of all actors, the real flimflam man of the cheeky-chappie smile and the ordinary kinda guy delivery. Yes, he, the ace of the pregnant pause, the on-demand friend of Dubbya and the greatest play actor of all time was missing…

I refer of course to arch thesp’ Tony Blair. What an actor. What an act! There he was on yesterday’s news cast, grasping, searching, desperately searching for the right words, the noble words that would somehow capture the sorrow of a grateful nation, united in grief at the tragic news of yet another fallen warrior in a far off field that will forever be known as Iraq….

He put a bit more method acting into yesterday’s performance. He had to, it was special. Hand wringing was on regulo 10, - the extra friction threatening to spontaneously combust the glorious leader’s tortured digits. The brow furrowed, purest angst oozed out of every anointed pore, the eyes wandered off into a far off distance, perhaps searching, ever searching for those WMDs, because he knows they’re out there….. somewhere.

He gasped out the pauses, staccato invective kicked in, can you feel his pain, his sorrow, his regret? He’s the leader – and it’s not easy being head honcho. It’s not easy having to order people to certain death on a futile and illegal prospectus…. I mean, Tony has kids – and they too are ‘doing their bit' in the war against terror. Only this week Euan, the Blair dauphain fell nobly on his career sword to sacrifice himself for a bit of paper sorting at the White House.. (well, someone’s got to do it). Do you think it was easy getting that job? Look, anyone could have replied to that ad' in the Sits-Vac page of the Sedgefield Whistleblower....... Euan got it on merit, no doubt about it......

Back to the tribute. The imperious leader was in trouble. Bravely, resolutely - stoically as any plucky Tommy about to throw his life away on our leader’s baggy-eyed conviction, Tony fought on barely controlling his life systems. Such was his grief, such was his regret as he paid tribute to Corporal Gordon Pritchard, the 100th British soldier to die in the flawed and illegal adventure that is the Iraq debacle.

He delivered the pastiche, the TV screen faded to black in tribute. I can only guess what the gollum-like creep in the background might have said to Tony as he strode off the set…

Tony, you were bloody brilliant, well done"

"Thanks Alastair, sometimes I really do think I could sell sand to the Arabs you know"…….

But unknown to good old Tone and his Campbell-crutch, the guy he had just paid tribute to - the late, Corporal Gordon Pritchard had actually met the imperious one during his whistle-stop, morale boosting tour of Basra just before Christmas.

One of these people is a dead lion,the other is a fraud monkey

The problem is Pritchard was in awe as he chatted, one 2 one to Blair, our citizen number 1…… Meanwhile, Blair’s lights were on but no one was at home because Tone was too busy thinking of his Christmas holiday at Sharm-el-sheikh – and anyway, seen one happy, laughing soldier, seen them all, chatted about the importance of the mission to one trusting government employee, chatted to millions…… delivered one dead soldier’s eulogy, delivered a hundred (and counting).

It’s all about priorities and practice Tony mate, don’t you think?.