Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Justice for England petition - the lackey from the Ministry of Justice replies...

To: Justice for England
(via email) 25 July 2007

From: Lai-Sze Lai
Constitutional Settlement Division
Ministry of Justice.

Dear Sir

Justice for England – on the 300th Anniversary of the British Union

Thank you for the presentation of a petition for an English Parliament.

England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, are components of the United Kingdom (UK), each with their own histories and distinct national identities, as well as different administrative structures, size and population. As a result, the Government believes that different approaches and solutions are appropriate to address the differences that exist between the components that comprise the UK.

The highest priority was given to the creation of a parliament in Scotland, and a national assembly in Wales, since the demand for decentralisation in these countries was long-standing. Indeed, proposals to create similar institutions were enacted in the late 1970’s, but failed to secure the necessary majorities in referendums.

The existing devolution settlement introduced in 1997/98 was designed to meet varying needs, so that local decisions could be made to respond to local problems. This has been the success of devolution, which can be seen in the variety of policy such as Health and Education, which are implemented across England, Wales and Scotland.

The Barnett Formula, which you raised in your letter, provides the Devolved Administrations with a population based share of comparable increases in spending for UK Government departments and reflects long standing conventions that have governed funding for Scotland and Wales under successive administrations. This block grant and how it is spent is then decided by the Devolved Administrations.

Nonetheless, the UK Parliament remains sovereign, and retains the authority to legislate on any issues, devolved or otherwise. However, the UK Government works in accordance with the convention that it will not normally legislate with regards to devolved matters except with the agreement of the Devolved Administrations.

On the issue of voting rights of Scottish MPs, a fundamental principle of the UK Parliament is that all MPs have equal rights. This means that each MP can vote on any matter brought before them, whether they represent English, Scottish or any other constituencies.

It should be noted that the number of MPs representing Scottish constituencies in Westminster have been reduced, from 72 to 59 in the General Election of May 2005. Additionally, the Boundary Commission for Wales keeps the parliamentary constituencies within Wales under continual review. Looking at Scotland in particular, prior to devolution, there were special statutory provisions which stipulated a minimum of Scottish seats, designed to protect Scottish interests.

The Government is against discrimination of any kind and therefore will not deliberate on any proposal that would prevent anyone born in Scotland becoming a Member of Parliament within the UK.

You may also wish to note that the Government has asked Parliament to consider establishing regional select committees. Establishment of select committees is a matter for Parliament, not Government, so we look forward to proposals coming forward from Parliament.

In addition, the Communities and Local Government Select Committee recommended the establishment of regional select committees (Is there a future for regional government? Fourth Report of Session 2006-7, HC352-I). They highlighted the potential benefits, including effective examination of the work of regional bodies and calling Ministers to account. The Government agrees with that analysis.

I hope this addresses your concerns.

Yours sincerely

Lai-Sze Lai
Constitutional Settlement Division

Err, no it doesn't, actually..
In the immortal words of the great John Patrick McEnroe...Answer the question, jerk!.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Doctor Dave, MD.

That pompous lounge lizard, David Owen has just published a new book about George Dubbya and his poodle mate, Tony ‘doormat’ Blair….

As well as a pompous lounge lizard, Owen is also a GP of remarkable ordinariness – but nevertheless that hasn’t stopped him from feeling qualified to deliver a sort of virtual diagnosis on the ills of George and Tony.

No, Dubbya does not suffer from ‘thickaspigshititis’ and Tone is not a victim of ‘Jesus second-coming syndrome’ … Doctor David reckons that they are both victims of the ‘Hubris Syndrome’

As the publicity spiel tells us – ‘For many politicians, power seems to go to their head, and becomes a heady drug affecting every action they take. The Greeks called it hubris, where the hero wins glory, acclaim and success – but it is often followed by nemesis.

David Owen suggests George Bush and Tony Blair developed a Hubristic Syndrome while in power. He provides a powerful analysis, looking at their behaviour, beliefs and governing style, in particular the nature of their hubristic incompetence in handling the Iraq War. Both of them, and in her last year in office, Margaret Thatcher, developed many of the tell-tale and defining symptoms…..

Naw, I don’t think Tony Blair is suffering from Hubristic Syndrome at all – ‘Caligulan mad-bad and dangerously psychotic with narcissistic tendencies and in baldyness denial’ maybe….

Dr Dave, I reckon my diagnosis is more accurate than yours – and I know diddly squat about medical matters…


Monday, July 23, 2007

Klondike 2007….

Today, Gordon Brown, England’s occupying First Minister without conscience will announce the boots and braces of his house building orgy for England. No mandate in England

Thanks to the revamped and simplified planning laws, objections to the building of mega housing estates by local people will not be tolerated. No Siree Bob. (Nor indeed will objections for the building of brand spanking new English nuclear power stations and other UK-sensitive nasties). Get your money into Blue Circle, like now!

Meanwhile Scotland and (increasingly) Wales will still retain their full planning rights – there to develop responsibly and organically for the benefit and well-being of their own citizens.Well, Gordon’s got to have somewhere nice to retire to, hasn’t he?

Thanks to the impending eradication of the faux-democratic Regional Assemblies, any objections from Tory councillors at a regional level will be null and void. Sorted.

Thanks to last year’s government sponsored Barker report describing the green belt as of ‘little environmental value’ and ‘ripe for development’, the multinationals of this world, the owners of most of the green belt have been rubbing their corporate hands with glee. (Shell and Coca-Cola included). I’d like to teach the world to build…..

Thanks to NuLabour, over 1 million existing houses throughout the UK remain unoccupied, derelict and festering. Predictable.

Thanks to Nu Labour and their obsession with University education, apprenticeship schemes in this country have collapsed. The nobility of skilled trades, bricklaying, carpentry etc has been devalued to the status of a McJob. In order to fulfil the building boom brief, we will have to bring in migrant workers from other parts of the EU. Unsustainable

We, the people of England are about to have over 3 million houses, plus all the accompanying infrastructure planted onto farm land and green belt. You just don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, do you? Concretia, here we come.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Gordon Brown's new words for England…

Thanks to research carried out by the NuLab focus group, (Mendacity Division), Gordon Brown seems to have been given a new name to call England. He shoves it in at every occasion he can - especially when he's talking about health, education and housing matters….…...

The references to ‘Britain’ and the ‘Regions’ are soooo last season. Gordon's got a new, up to the minute phrase which he likes to trot out every time he talk about English stuff.....

And the new phrase for England? Our Country"


Possible reasons for Gordon Brown disbanding the Regional Assemblies in England….

1) He’s realised they are undemocratic, unelected, non-representative gravy trains infested with no-talent local busy-bodies and freeloaders….

2) As a true democrat, and recognising the democratic deficit the English have suffered for years, Brown is preparing the way for the creation of an English Parliament with at least as much power as the Scottish model.

3) He needs to stick 3 million houses somewhere in England, like quick. A scenario so awful, the existing Regional Assemblies might deflect from their usual position of cravenly supine poddlery – and actually start to kick up a fuss……

Gordon Brown – dissent will not be tolerated….

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The relentless ruination of England – continued.

Gordon Brown – the no mandate man, has committed to building a shedload of sheds to accommodate England’s massive population increase.

Gordon said in Parliament today - "Putting affordable housing within the reach not just of the few but the many is vital both to meeting individual aspirations and a better future for our country."

Note: By ‘our country’, No mandate Brown is talking about England, which is not, ‘his country’ – it’s mine.

And from Hazel Blears, his Minister for Communities comes this – "House building takes priority over environmental concerns" She also asserted that she couldn’t give "categorical assurances about redrawing the green belt"

The England City state is well under way.

Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland however will still be at their verdant best. Gordon will still be able to go off climbing the Monroes of Scotland and revel in the unspoilt wilderness of that country. He’ll climb, he’ll roam, safe in the knowledge that the country previously known as green and pleasant will soon be a concrete midden of million-unit housing estates, nuclear power stations and 8 lane-wide road schemes.

Welcome to hell, brought to you by a Scottish no mandate PM, a bunch of grovelling acolytes and a coven of non-elected quango chieftains.

And what are our very own English MPs doing about it all? Correct, counting their expenses!

Friday, July 06, 2007

Caroline Flint – Shameful hag of Gordon Brown’s constitutional manipulation…

Brassy cow Caroline Flint, the brand spanking new Regional Minister for Yorkshire & Humberside has yet to do her duty and go and see the flooding chaos in Doncaster, Sheffield and Hull. She's organised diddy-squat for the victims, who have been left wallowing in a slick of sewerage, mud and rancid water for days.

All a bit of a surprise really, seeing that all these unfortunate urban areas fall within her ‘regional remit’, You'd have thought that she would be fighting central government for extra cash and resources for all she was worth. The fact is she has done nothing. This first test of the new Regional Ministerial Matrix of England has, guess what, gone tits up as effectively as a sofa floating down the High Street.

The excuse that Flint has given for failing to do anything is that she had "previous diary engagements"….

Sorry Caroline, you hag of political expediency, your first duty is to your ‘region’ and by doing bugger all during the past week, you have shown up your new post to be as fraudulent as Gordon Brown’s supposed mandate in England.

The ‘Regional Ministers’ project is nothing more than an attempt by Gordon ‘no mandate’ Brown to emasculate England into meaningless hunks of no-power real estate. These manikins have no power, no money, no ideas. They are merely puppets of a malicious plan to carve us up. If there is one episode that illustrates how desperately England needs a First Minister - this is it.

Caroline Flint, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for a)Not attending the scenes of the flooding. bNot sending any of your quango fuelled minions to organise and rebuild. cAccepting a meaningless no-power job of political expediency from a man with no mandate. dnot thinking of a decent enough excuse for not going.

(I’d have used the old standby, "I’ve only been in the job for 5 days" – it worked for your Scottish boss!)

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

PMQs - Car crash TV…..

Well, that was history in the making. Gordon Brown doing his first PMQs today, and falling flat on his bum after scarcely 5 minutes into it. After the slick, ‘Swiss-Tony’ years of evasion, waffle and grandstanding, we are now in the ‘Bumbling Brown’ period of parliamentary history. It promises much if today is anything to go by.

It wasn’t exactly a cushion moment – you know what a ‘cushion moment’ is, don’t you? When something you are watching is so embarrassing, you have to stick a cushion in front of your face and chant "Can’t hear, can’t hear, tra-la-la, can’t hear" to block it out…..

And so Gordon, the man with the supposed intellect as big as Ben Nevis, a mind as sharp as William Wallace’s Claymore and a brain as logical as Mr McSpock, (Mr Spock’s cleverer and more logical Scottish half-brother), floundered like a beached haddock.

It all started when Call me Dave, a man as threatening as a dead slug opened up with a question about a nasty and openly anti-Semitic Islamic organisation – "So why hasn’t it been outlawed?" said Dave.

Gordon, the steel-trap man immediately changed to Gordon the floundering fish….

Gordon was thinking…. What would Tony have said, something clever, something witty probably? Think, think, THINK!! Dammit man you’re a bloody Scottish genius, everybody says you are, so you must be – so think of the answer, come on Gordon, everyone’s looking at you - what’s the bloody answer? Gordon the answer, what’s the fucking answer!!!!! Come on you bloody genius, give that twat Dave the answer so he knows who’s boss.. SO WHAT"S THE ANSWER?… Got it, brilliant, Gordon, baby you’re a bleeding genius! The answer is…. "Errr, I’ve only been in the job for 5 days"…..

The Tories laughed their heads off.

He sat down, he got up, he sat down again, up, down, up down. Cameron looked stunned. This was a first, Call me Dave actually had a political opponent on the ropes… Was Dave mouthing "Back of the bloody orgasmic net, Brown you common little oik"…?

Oh God, could it get any worse for Gordon?

Yes! Of course it could!
All of a sudden, from the Labour back-benches, a baldy old git with a liking for living in a house with in-built cannabis resin stood to his feet. John Reid was putting his oar in for his ‘friend’, cod-fish Brown….

And of course, in ‘helping’ Gordon with all the facts concerning the question that Cameron asked, he showed Brown up for what he actually is.

A thick, ill-informed, uber-ruthless, power-mad politician with the thinking capacity of a sponge.

They ought to sell tickets for next week’s confrontation.

Around the world in 365 days....

Two weeks ago we waved off my Son, John and his friend Jo at Heathrow on the first leg of their year long, round-the-world trip of a lifetime.

Just about now they are in Zanzibar, the birthplace of Freddie Mercury – last week it was the Serengeti, messing with lions and the like, next week they’ll be in the Masai Mara – having a look at those wildebeests just before they start their epic migration. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the places they are going to…. I mean, the world can be a dangerous place, right?

And they seem to be going to some right old frontier countries….. I’ve warned them – don’t give a ‘thumbs up’ sign to anyone (in some countries that means the same as the raised middle finger here). The dodgy food, the dodgier water, the guerrilla groups, the routine violence, the muggings, the man-eating animals, the man-eating sharks, the man-eating men, the sly slithering snakes, the big hairy spiders, the burrowing insects that make a meal out of your brain……. And ‘the little fish’.

"What little fish is that then?" I hear you ask.

Well, sometime early next year they should be hitting Peru to do the Inca trail and visit Machu Picchu, lost capital of the Incas…… but before they go there, they will be spending a few days down in that there Amazonian jungle.

I’ve told my Son – at no time should he get into the dark waters of the world’s greatest river for a swim, to cool off or to impress the natives with his front crawl. I’ve told him, if he does happen to fall into the Amazon – or indeed into any of its tributaries he’s got to immediately cover his nether regions with his hands – and get out as soon as possible.

For in those dark, dark waters is a lurking killer, waiting patiently for the next unsuspecting punter to fall in and provide it with his brand new home.

The little Candirú fish is a right little bugger of a fish. It’s the one of legend, the one that really scares the natives and makes British schoolboys laugh their heads off.

So what can this little fish do that is so appalling, so awful, so disgusting as to make the average strapping he-man go weak at the knees….

Yep, you’ve guessed it, the Candirú fish is the one that zeroes in on a man’s dangly bits, locates the ‘opening’, swims up the manhood and sticks its crampon-style fins into the side walls of the Urethra and starts to feed on your blood.

Now that really has got to smart…

Once it’s in, it’s in. Nothing, save a complex operation can get rid of it – and be honest, would you want a surgeon with a scalpel splitting your pride and joy open from stem to stern?. They can have a go at any orifice – but they are more likely to go for the manhood because they’re supposedly attracted to the scent of urine….

Was God Almighty having a bit of an off day when he created the Candirú fish? Or is it simply a result of evolution – did natural selection decide that the world would be a better place if Candirú fish existed?

Who knows? I just thank God they’re not in our rivers….. We just have the odd dead dog, used prophylactics and the deadly germs that Domestos can’t kill lurking in our waterways.

So there you have it. He and Jo are now on their own, They face the perils of the world – and the Candirú fish with just his rucksack and his piece of paper with Alfie’s golden rules for survival scribbled on it.

Never give a thumbs up sign.

Don’t drink the water unless it comes out of a British tap.

Don’t screw your face up when offered a tempting bowl of goat testicle broth by a Nepalese herder.

Don’t volunteer to put the spider out of the tent. (Unless it’s smaller than your hand).

If a big guy with a spear says he likes the look of your hat – give it to him, pronto.

When you get to New Zealand, be sure to tell the locals that their country has bugger all to do with Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy – and that the books were actually based in the Midlands of England.

If you ever get in a really tricky situation with the locals, just tell them you’re a scouser – and you’ll burgle their house if they don’t sod off.

If you really must go swimming in the Amazon – be sure to tape up your nob with plenty of gaffer tape before doing so.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Marks & Spencer recognise England....

Marks & Spencer risked a huge backlash from Sir Terry Leahy, the new 'Minister for British Groceries' for bravely finding out that England is a country that actually did exist, afterall.

M&S Chief Executive, Stuart Rose declared that their new range of English Milk is going to be a sure fire winner with 50 million milk drinking punters. "It was a bit of an accident really" said Mr Rose. "I was fumbling around in our attic when I came across a pre-war edition of the RAC Atlas of Great Britain. I thumbed through the yellowing, dog-eared pages when all of a sudden I noticed an area of Britain that is - or was called 'England'. It's a huge area, full to the brim with people who presumably drink tea and put milk on their cornflakes"...

"And as I thumbed through those pages, a sort of amazing thought hit me, why not sell milk produced in England as 'English Milk? We could have a flag on it and everything"...

Sir Terry was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesperson for his department said it was a dangerous precedent which would confuse the average housewife so much she could be in danger of catching cow-pox, mad-milk disease and Englanditis from the sure to be substandard dairy product."I'm not too sure whether Mrs Average actually knows where 'England' is - I certainly don't" he said.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Squatter found at Prime Minister’s weekend gaff…

Dateline Saturday, Buckinghamshire, England.

Security staff today discovered political has-been Tony Blair, his ugly wife Cherie and their 4 kids dossing in the master bedroom at Chequers, the Prime Ministerial weekend retreat.

Staff trapped the Blair squatsters with a simple but effective ruse. Hearing creaking floorboards above – and suspecting that some no mark had managed to shin a drainpipe, they shouted up the stairs that the President of the United States was on the phone asking for the Prime Minister. Before anyone could say "power-mad despot", Blair popped out from under the bed declaring that he knew George hadn’t forgotten him…

When challenged, the ex-leader admitted to having problems adjusting to civvy street after 10 years of being Citizen Number 1. He was dragged off shouting – "But the world needs me and my pointy, pointy finger gestures"

I lied about him being dragged off – as this is the Yoo-Kay, and we’ve well and truly lost the plot; he’s still there, still enjoying the freebies, the cocktail cabinet and the luxurious deep velvet toilet paper. Excuse me, but as he is no longer the PM, or ‘Cappo di tutti cappi’ of the Labour Party Mafia - or even an MP, and he’s sort of in-between jobs, why the hell is he larging it at Chequers?