Monday, November 27, 2006

The Archers – an everyday tale of English folk getting screwed…

I’ve listened to The Archers on Radio 4 since I was an art student in the early seventies. Over that time, the story lines have somewhat changed, thanks mainly to the show’s Editor, metro-liberal Guardianista, Vanessa Whitburn.

Doris, Dan, Tom Forrest and Walter Gabriel have all snuffed it - new characters have stepped into their soiled green wellies. Fallon, Usha, Jazza and Jason now trail the blaze of English modern rural life. The health of the sprout crop and the presence of dropsy in the dairy herd has given way all the other things that are supposed to happen in a tiny middle English village. Suddenly the talk down at The Bull is all about drugs busts, racism, blackmail, gay marriage, gambling addiction, bent coppers, murder, armed robbery, suicide…. and most controversially of all, the ongoing marriage break up of David and Ruth Archer, due to some potential extra marital rumpy pumpy with Sam, the cattle man.

Whitburn is a well known Nu Labour luvee. At absolutely every opportunity she likes to shoehorn imagined inner city trauma and Notting Hill meanderings into leafy Borsetshire.

But I wonder if she will be covering the reality of English pensioner Jack Wooley? The retired local businessman and former owner of Grey Gables has recently been struck down with Alzheimer’s. He’s been losing his mental faculties – but fortunately, he has the NHS to make sure he’ll get the drugs he so badly needs. Well not any more. Not now that NICE has decided to withdraw a whole range of Alzheimer’s drugs from English only patients – because of the uber high cost of £2:50p per patient per day. …..

Will Ms Whitburn run the storyline that Jack’s condition is getting worse because of the actions of a small minded, anti English quango? Will Ms Whitburn get Jack’s 85 year old wife, Peggy to stand on the village green armed with a big megaphone to slag off NICE, Blair & Patricia Hewitt – and demand an English Parliament to look after the needs of English people?…

That’s the trouble with soap plots – the storylines are so bloody unbelievable….

Barmy but brilliant….

Just finished watching the inevitable conclusion of the first Ashes Test at The Gabba cricket ground in Brisbane. After the euphoric glitch of the 2005 Summer series victory, today’s result reverted to type…. Australia won by a mile, England were crap – and the Barmy Army were bloody fantastic.

All through the morning session of the 5th day, as the tail-end-Charlie English wickets were being knocked over with monotonous regularity, the Barmy Army were in superb voice. Thousands of English people dressed head to toe in red and white never let up singing and dancing – and generally showed the Aussie public exactly what supporting a team really means. Pathetic responses from the locals were met with a united chorus of "Who are ya, who are ya?"…

Add to that the fantastic support the national footy and rugby teams get anywhere in the world and I sometimes wonder why our teams always seem to blow it…

Friday, November 17, 2006

Treehuggers sort of agree with the concept of an English Parliament….

Every now and again, I like to bang off an email to one of the Parties in an attempt to get an answer to the imponderable question….

Today, it’s the turn of the Green Party….

I SAID.............................

I've had a quick scan over your policy document and cannot find anything about Devolved Government in it. Do you have any thoughts on a Parliament for England - along the lines of the Scottish model?

And talking about Scotland, I understand that the Scottish Greens are in favour of an independent Scotland - does that mean that the English Greens are in favour of an independent England?


Alfie the OK
Englishman and therefore democratically disenfranchised.

THEY REPLIED ............................

Dear Mr OK,
You can find our policy on the structure of government here. Devolved government is a very important principle for Greens. The principle underlying it is that we believe that decisions are best made at the most local level appropriate, so that the people affected are more involved in the process.

We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right. I assume that our policy has specified English regions rather than an English parliament because England is much bigger than Scotland and Wales and therefore the
regions would benefit from having their own governing bodies rather than an English parliament which would be more distant and more likely to neglect parts of the country in the way that the UK parliament does now.

You can find all of our other policies in the Manifesto for a Sustainable Society here. This is a collection of all policy motions passed by our party members at conference. This is how our policy is made.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party


Mr Stacy,
I'm sorry, but I find your statement -
"We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right".......
to be wholly undemocratic. Rather than the ‘regions’, don't you think you should be wanting the English PEOPLE to have as much autonomy that we want also? English people DO NOT WANT regional government - have you never heard of the NE referendum? 78% said NO. That means NO, the people have spoken - Politicians - even Greens should LISTEN to the electorate occasionally. .

In a MORI poll conducted in July, 41% of people interviewed expressed a preference for an English Parliament. Don't you people think you should be listening to people from England as to what THEY want rather than clinging to NuLabour's discredited, unelected and wholly undemocratic regional 'solutions'.

England is not too big at all - that is simply not true. An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!

An English Parliament would have MORE contact with local issues - not less, via a county by county set up.

NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS - BUT NOT TO ENGLAND. It is pernicious racism, we are effectively being penalised because of who we are - and as so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'.

Alfie the OK,
English and therefore disenfranchised,
England (a country NOT a collection of regions).


Hi Alfie,
Thanks for your reply - you've reacted very angrily but we agree on more than you realise.

I'll start with your paragraph: "An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!"

We would agree with all of this. I wasn't comparing an English parliament to Westminster - having an English parliament would be better than the current system. When we passed the policy several years ago we suggested regions rather than one parliament, but if the English people don't want that model they won't have to have it. The principle is that we believe in devolved power, and that the form it takes should be determined from below, not from above.

We were also unhappy with the form that New Labour proposed for a North East assembly. It was undemocratic, and seemed to be centralising a lot of power from below rather than devolving it from above. We are certainly opposed to New Labour's unelected regional bodies.

So, regarding your closing paragraph: "NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS BUT NOT TO ENGLAND." Yes, we agree.

"As so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'." Well, we haven't signed up to Blair's version of it.

We are absolutely for the principle of devolved power and democracy.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party

Surviving Porridge – advice for Prisoner Blair.

Princess Tony, sent down at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the ‘Cash for Honours’ heist is going to need all the ‘Surviving Bird’ help he can get - so with this in mind, ‘Humanitarian Alfie’ has been consulting with his shadier mates in the pub. Knuckles Blowtorch and Crusher Dentalwork have pooled their respective grey matter to produce a 10 point do’s and don’ts plan of prison etiquette…...

1) Upon entering prison, try not to get up the Guards’ noses. Only speak when you’re spoken to – and never, ever, try to tell them that Gordon’s the Mr Big…

2) OK, you’ve been led to your cell and hopefully you haven’t yet been beaten up. Your new pal on the top bunk is looking you up and down, and asks you what you’re in for… Under no circumstances tell him that you’ve been done for selling ermine cloaks from the back of a car in a motorway service station.

3) In order to get his respect, much better to invent a whole new crime. Tell him you’re a mass murderer, that you’ve killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people in order to impress one of your hoodlum mates. That way you’ll come across as being both psychotic and unstable…. In no time at all he’ll be offering you the top bunk and calling you ‘Sir’.…

4) Now you’ve got your new crime, you’ll need a dangerous name to go with it. Try and act ‘tough’ at all times - make people scared of you. You are not an ‘ordinary kinda guy’ any more – from now on you’re a raving nutter. You’re now ‘Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair’

5) OK, you’ve almost reinvented yourself – hard new crime, hard new name – now you need to adopt an ‘attitude’… Mad staring eyes are good, so is a manic smile – and you’ll need a catch phrase…. ‘‘I’m Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair - and if you look at me like that again I’ll stab you in the eye…. Cos I’m so bloody mad"

6) Swagger – you’ll need a ‘walk’. When you saunter down ‘D Wing’ everyone needs to know you mean business. Remember those Clint Eastwood movies and those cowboy boots – a gift from George Dubbya?….

7) ‘Snout’ – this time, nothing to do with Lord Falconer’s hooter in the trough. In prison, ‘snout’ is tobacco – a form of currency…. It would take quite a few tons of ‘snout’ to buy a peerage.

8) It is important that you choose your friends very, very carefully. Avoid anyone built like an outside bog – and if anyone calls you a "Blair bitch" run like hell.

9) Don’t ever drop your soap in the showers – and if you do, never, ever bend down to pick it up.

10) Finally, never forget those wise, wise words of Michael Howard – "If you cannot do the time then don’t do the crime"….

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Daily Politics - watch it if you can..…

You really should log onto the BBC Daily Politics’ website and download today’s programme. That gobby Nu Labour ginger midget, Hazel Blears was on.

Uber growler, Andrew Neil was the man with the electric prod trying to get an answer, any answer from her. Of course he couldn't - but the squirming from Blears was a sight to behold. It really is riveting telly, Blears getting dizzy due to all the body swerves and turbo waffle she was doing. Neil getting more irritated because he just could not get an answer from her. I just wish I’d had a quid for every time Neil said "Can you just answer the question?"

Well Blears couldn’t and wouldn’t …. The ginger rabbit was stuck, transfixed rigid in the headlights of the Andrew Neil Turbo Coupe. She just looked like she desperately hoped Scotty would beam her up to the Starship Enterprise. Unfortunately, the Dylithium Crystals must have been on the blink again because Scotty was busy in the engine room.

She just sat there, blinking, gasping, drowning……..

There is no doubt about it, Andrew Neil is a proper job journalist…… I am amazed that the Beeb hasn’t yet been instructed by No 10 spin machine to get rid of him.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

100% Rubbish...

They were all there last night weren’t they? All the usual suspects – like characters out of a who-dun-it murder mystery at Sir Roger Victim’s Manor House on a stormy winter’s night…..

Filling the boots of Mrs Peacock, Professor Plumb and the gang were Lady Fuddy-Duddy-Blue-Rinse, Miss Delusional, Mr Cockney-Sparrer, Mr Chingford-Skinhead, Mr Far-Right, Miss Denial and Miss Witchetty-Grub, the uglier of Mrs Thatcher’s twin offspring.

The programme was as shallow as an Aussie soap plot. It was a train crash – the Shit-TV Express in a head on collision with the Ignorance Inter-City …. "So you think you’re English do you? Well you’re not – no one is, so there, get bloody used to it, England is nothing more than the world’s biggest passenger airport lounge"….

One by one, the group formerly known as English were rolled out, set up and shot down by sneering presenter, Andrew Graham-Dixon.
"So, you are in fact 35% Northern European, 10% Blancmange, 25% Carpet Sweepings and 10% Monosodium Glutamate……. That just leaves 20% left…. Tell me, did your Granny ever shag anyone from Timbuktu?"

Cue collective crests falling, bottom lips smacking the floor, as the shocky rocky horror of it all hit home. It was bloody GBH before the 9 0’clock watershed. They hadn’t been Tango’ed or even Jeremy Beadled – no, it was much, much more subtle than that, they’d been DNA’d…. Were they related to a kipper in the done up position?

After 45 minutes, I’d had enough, I went to the pub….. We all agreed it was a really shit programme. Tacky, sad, all part of the plot to dissolve the identity of England before our very eyes. Why didn’t they have Billy Bragg on? He says he’s as English as roast beef…. Why not Ian Botham or David Beckham, innit?

Why was it just 100% English? Why not 100% Scottish or Welsh or British? Why not 100% Journalist? "So, Mr Andrew Graham bloody Dixon, you may have thought you were 100% journo, but I’ve got a bit of a shock for you….. Yep, you’re really 80% children’s show presenter, 15% wet fart and 5% French"……

Just then, someone said "Why not 100% Channel 4 Programme?"

We all agreed, ‘100% English’ was 100% pure Bullshit.

Answer the Nuclear dumping question, jerk!..... paraphrase my hero, John MacEnroe.

And the question I've tried to get answered is aimed at a right slimey Dan, career creep and all round power junkie, David Miliband. I've rung his office, tried to get a question to him on phone ins, spoken to his experts and reminded his underlings that I am still waiting for his reply which has now slipped over their own self imposed deadline of 15 days.

Every day I ring his cruddy office - every day I get a Miliband body swerve. I've even tried to enlist the help of my Labour MP. I don't hold out much hope of success here though, Mrs Supine is about as motivated as a dead sloth.

The question I would like answered is -

Subject: Nuclear waste disposal.....

Dear Mr Miliband,

Yesterday you announced your decision to bury low, middle and high level radioactive nuclear waste - and stated that if certain councils agreed to house the waste in their areas then they would get the added bonus of substantial government funding to the tune of millions of pounds.

Also, during an interview with Peter Allen yesterday on BBC's FiveLive radio station, you talked about how you hoped 'the country's councils would take up the invitation and offer to house the waste'.

Can you please tell me which 'country' are you talking about? Is the invitation open to all councils in the UK - or just England and Wales - or even just England? Please, in future, if you are just referring to England, can you make it clear, so the population of England can make a judgement based on the facts.

I heard Jack McConnell being interviewed on Radio Scotland on Wednesday - and he said that Scotland would not be taking and burying any of their own nuclear waste. He said that it would all be coming down to England to be buried.....

He's either very presumptuous, or he knows something we don't.... I suspect the latter, what do you think? Which is all a bit odd really - after all, with some of the oldest and hardest rock in the world and a population density less than that of the Gobi Desert, I would have thought the Scottish Highlands would have been the best place of all to put it, don't you agree?

Hoping for a swift, honest, spin-free and accurate reply.

Some hope.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

"Please Sir, we want more"….

Education, Education, Education, is not what the final year history students on a course at Bristol University are getting at the moment. They have been offered just 2 hours tuition a week for their £1,200 fees - and that works out at 20 quid an hour. However, for those lucky, lucky English students who have just started their courses this year, the top up charge has taken the cost of learning up to over 3 grand per year. That takes the cost of the final year course up to an eye watering 60 quid per hour…..

The university has apparently allotted the rest of the week for ‘private research’ and ‘independent study’ by the students. However someone from the course - obviously a right Jonny Provocateur, dangerous trouble maker and Bolshevik told the university’s newspaper Epigram: "I thought I was paying to be educated by leading academics, not for a library membership and a reading list."

Look Jonny P, Terry Trotsky, Jimmy Stalin and the rest of you English student troublemakers you’d better all start getting used to it – Remember the mantra, Ripped off, Ripped off, Ripped off…..

A tale of two stadiums….

Or is it ‘stadia’? Who knows…..
Anyway, I was watching the telly on Sunday, a rugby union international was on and England were being demolished by the All Blacks. The game was pants – but what struck me was, what a really fantastic stadium Twickenham is. The South Stand is all but up – and when it is all finished in a few months time it will also house a grand hotel. The last bit of the ‘Project Twickenham’ development is costing around £85 million – it would have been more, but the RFU decided that they couldn’t afford the original quote of over £100 million, so redesigned it to something they could afford.

It now holds over 82,000 people – and is the biggest stadium in England. Twickenham is now a perfect tiered bowl, everyone gets a fantastic view of the action on the field, but behind the scenes there are superb restaurant, conferencing and bar facilities – so you can drown your sorrows after England have been stuffed again.

What really amazes me though is the way the RFU have quietly and efficiently gone about the business of rebuilding the entire stadium over a period of years. Most of the work has been privately financed through ticket sales, partnership deals and television contracts. They've built stands when they had the money to do it. All of the work has been carried out without the bungling interference of busy-body, photo-opportunity politicians, inept & craven administrators and the bizarrely narrow funding criteria of the National Lottery Nazis…..

Compare and contrast with the shenanigans up the road at Wembley, the home of football and the embarrassment of an entire nation….

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Snippets from Rod Liddle….

In the Sunday Times, inspired by the 'black jelly baby' court case, Mr Liddle has been musing about the nominations for this year’s ‘Ludicrous Hate Crime Awards’….

He thought jellybabygate had taken the race hate biscuit – that was of course until he’d heard about the case of Scotsman, Mr Ronnie Hutton, a mechanic from Stirling. Central Scotland Police attempted to prosecute Mr Hutton for "revving his car in a racist manner"….

Meanwhile over in Thames Valley police area, plod has been arresting a man for going up to a mounted policeman and telling him his horse was "gay". The man was arrested for "causing offence and distress to both horse and police officer"…..

Things have never been the same since Dockson of Dick Green retired.

Letter to Grandstand, BBC Sport.....

Dear Sir,

Just before the kick off of the England v New Zealand rugby union match at Twickenham, your Welsh commentator said "And now for the singing of the English national anthem" .... With that, a man on the pitch started to sing 'God Save the Queen'

Can you PLEASE tell all your sporting commentators to stop referring to God Save the Queen as 'the English national anthem' - it isn't. It's the British one.... England doesn't have a national anthem of its own, for some reason we have been left out of the queue for national anthems for the home countries - we seem to get left out of everything. But of course you know all this already, don't you?

I am part of an organisation that is trying to get England its own anthem - apparently this is unbelievably difficult to obtain.... who knows why, maybe it's a threat to world peace or something. Honestly, you'd think there was some sort of government conspiracy in denying the English our own anthem - and by the BBC continuing to incorrectly describe GStheQ as the English national anthem (however 'accidently'), it only continues to confuse the English public - and further aid the deception of the government in denying England any sort of national pride in anything........

The Sir Michael Caine Mutiny.....

Evidence in an interview in Saturday's Times magazine that leading film actor, Michael Caine has been talking to his big pal, Sean...... and he's not happy at all.

The article explains where Michael stands on the issue of English democratic rights -
Caine was thrilled when he received the CBE in 1993, and was awarded a Knighthood in 2000. "I am very, very patriotic, so don't get me started, " he warns. He frets that his beloved England has been overlooked as the other home nations enjoy devolution.

His friend Sir Sean Connery has become a cheer-leader for Scottish nationalism and Sir Michael is beginning to think he is right.

"I'm a very English man. And that doesn't mean I don't like foreigners and I hate all immigrants. I am married to an immigrant but I'm not happy at the moment. Everybody seems to be represented but the English.

"There is a possibility that a Scotsman is going to rule over me. A Scotsman who comes from a constituency where my member of parliament who I elected, has no say whatsoever. And there is an answer, given to me by my friend Sean: give Scotland its independence. Gordon Brown can then be the Prime Minister of Scotland".....

"And I'm worried about the fact that they (the Scots) cheer for the other side in the football and I think to myself. "Have they really got my interests at heart?"......

Errr, no Mike, they haven't. Welcome to the fight.