Monday, January 29, 2007

A Scotsman in Englishman’s clothing….

I love Thursdays….. It’s a sort of triple whammy of politics shows, 12 noon is the Daily Politics, 10:35 pm is BBC QuestionTime and following that at 11:35 pm, is This Week.

The style of each is completely different. The Daily Politics is quick fire up and at ‘em, QuestionTime is mostly a process of evasion - and This Week is a reflective round up of recent events.

By far the most incisive is The Daily Politics. It works so well because the guy at the helm knows a hell of a lot more than the politicians he interviews. Andrew Neil has a knowledge without parallel in the British political orbit. If there was ever anyone in media Britain with the political brain of a planet then Paxman may think he’s got it, but he hasn’t - Andrew Neil has.

Last Thursday was a case in point. Pious St Harriet of Harman was on the box talking about how very important it was to teach Britishness and British values in all of our schools. She spoke very, very slowly. Gravitas was oozing from every pore…. Harriet was Harmonic. She had her serious statespersons boat on all right, no messing. – Apparently, if our kids didn’t all embrace Britishness, then the Greenland ice cap would shrink so fast it wouldn’t even cool a large gee and tee. …. It was Neville Chamberlain all over again – but this time wearing a flowery twin set… Germany had invaded Poland because too much Teutoniciness was being taught in Berlin’s secondary mods…. And if we weren’t careful the same thing could happen here.

Did I hear a Hallelujah, was God sending down an ‘Amen to that, Sister’? St Harriet fluttered her big fat eyelids and waited for a congratulatory back slap from Andrew Neil. ….

She didn’t get one. Neil went into ‘attack mode’

He stalked….
First of all he picked her up on the fact that she was fraudulently claiming that ‘Britishness’ was to be taught in all of Britain’s schools. It took a couple of incisive jabs with his truth stick – but in the end she caved in and admitted Britishness was an English only thing.

"So, Britishness is only going to be taught in English schools then?"

Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause…

"Yes, but I’ve no doubt in Scotland and Wales they’ll be teaching something simil"…….

He pounced…..
Well I happen to know that in Scotland they have absolutely no plans to introduce classes on Britishness, not now, not for the next 5 years….

The halo on St Harriet’s head, placed there by no less than Pope Tony the Innocent, wobbled..

By the way, what are British values?..

Cue diatribe of values – ‘Fair play, Tolerance, Democracy, Yawn, Tony Blair’s pointy finger, Fish ‘n’ Chips, The Queen Mum, Ena bloody Sharples, Bobby Charlton's comb-over…..…

Well they’re not special to Britain are they? What about America or Germany or Italy? France for instance, it’s ingrained into their constitution ‘Liberty, Equality, Fraternity’…… So British values are the same as everyone else’s…Right?

St Harriet looked worried, uncomfortable and twitchy - was Old Nick himself sitting on her shoulder?…

Not exactly. It was much worse than that, Old Neil had her by the jugular and wasn’t letting go.

"Can I put it to you that the only reason for doing this is to try and head off the rising tide of English Nationalism? Can I put it to you that this is entirely of New Labour’s making due to the fact that the English have been left out of the devolution debate?

St Harriet was squirming. Either she wanted the bog like right away – or Andrew Neil’s truth stick was sticking somewhere where the Sun don’t shine.

St Harriet didn’t believe it was the case… "I don’t believe it is the case" she said.

He ripped her head off, dribbled with it, did a bit of keepy-uppy and smashed it into an open goal.

"So you don’t believe it’s the case? Ms Harman, let me tell you, (jabby finger) we get more correspondence on the issue of West Lothian and the dissatisfaction of the English due to your government’s policies on devolution than anything else. We get piles of emails whenever we raise the issue. The people of England are very angry about it"…

St Harriet didn’t believe it. "I don’t believe it" she said.

"We’ll see what our viewers have to say" said Neil…

They went onto another item somewhere on location, then came back to the studio - and Andrew Neil with a pile of emails in front of him.

"Well, I told you our viewers would have something to say about it Harriet…. We haven’t got time to read any of them out because we’re about to go off air – so you can take them with you"…….

With that he plonked them in front of her.

St Harriet gazed down at the piles of paper run outs. She looked like she’d just been shown some triple x despicable pictures of debauchery from the bowels of hell – or maybe someone farted because she looked utterly disgusted…

Amen for knowledgeable and truthful Scotsmen.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Rhodri Morgan and his big-mouth organ

Morgan.R, juvenile head boy and school bully of the Welsh Assembly Academy is cock-a-hoop today. The frazzle haired whinger has finally got something to crow about – and he’s not felt this happy since he found out Ron Davies liked doing a bit of badger flanging on Clapham Common…

Morgan, owner of the meanest spirit and crappest hairstyle in Wales reckons his ‘bragging rights boat’ has finally come in.

Apparently, he thinks the English are ‘jealous’ of the Welsh because they’ve got free prescriptions coming in on April 1st.and we haven’t…. So hooray for the Welsh eh, Rhodri? But I’ve got news for you Morgan. We’re not ‘jealous’ – we’re pissed-off-furious. You and your Assembly of dullards better start marking time – the guys across the Severn are stirring.

"We have never actually managed to make the English jealous before... but we have done it," gushed Rhodri.

He cited a page one story in Friday's Daily Express claiming there was growing anger over Britain's "two-tier health service".

And that’s where the celebrations should stop, don’t you think, Rhodri? What with you being a socialist, surely you believe in everyone getting the same treatment…… unless of course you come from England….. the land of the cash cow.

Well Rodders you bitter old bigot, laugh while you can, your crowing simply plays into our hands. To coin a phrase, ‘the English are coming’ – and we’re not happy. Get those free prescriptions while you and your countrymen can. The English gravy train is about to hit the buffers – English cash will soon start to be spent on the English, and not on bitter old baggy-trousered bad-hair-dayed Welsh has-beens.

Friday, January 19, 2007

David Davis sells the dummy (and a nation)......

Shadow Home Secretary, David Davis said something a bit weird on Thursday night’s BBC’s QuestionTime. When challenged by David ‘Dullsville’ Dimbleby that at one stage, a few years ago, he’d been fully committed to a Parliament for England - Davis said he had only done it to publicise the ‘cause’.

He expanded by saying the only reason he supported an English Parliament in the first place was to raise the issue to a wider public. He apparently didn’t actually believe that an English Parliament was necessary or desirable – he merely called for it so the ‘better’ solution of EvoEL would be adopted by the Tories.

I’ve heard some tall stories by politicians over the years, but for God’s sake, do they think we are that thick?

They obviously do.

Diane Abbott, Little England hater apparently…

I’ll be honest, I really, really do not like Diane Abbott, Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington. If there is one thing that really winds me up is the way supposedly firebrand politicians manage not to let their Soviet radicalism seep into their own domestic environs. And Diane Abbott is in the Premier League when it comes to the ‘don’t do as I do, do as I say’ brigade. I mean, super radicalism is OK for the masses, but for Ms Abbott and her public school attending kid? Nah, not bloody likely mate!

I remember when the Press found out about her kid attending a fee-paying school. Unforgivably, she cited a kind of institutionalised racism within the state school sector as the excuse to whip her kid out and place him with the Cuthberts, Algenons and Clarences of this world. Why did she do that – why not be honest and just say. "I want my kid to go to public school because I’m a selfish money grabbing fraud parading as a firebrand left wing politician who doesn’t believe anything I preach when it comes to my family. Just like Ruth Kelly, Charlie Falconer and Tony Blair"…

I always watch This Week on a Thursday night. Host Andrew Neil is brilliant, regular punters, Michael Portillo is objective and intelligent – and Diane Abbott? Mostly out of her depth. Her coping strategy for being amongst brains as sharp as steel traps is to jibe, snide and belittle both discussions and invited guests. If she doesn’t agree or disagree – she rubbishes, that’s what she does. And she does it all the time.

Last night she had a go at me – and most probably you (if you believe in a parliament for England). The question of the Union came up - Michael Portillo believes the current constitutional set up of the UK is unsustainable, Abbott condemned him as a ‘Little Englander’ from the Little England Party. When Neil asked her what she would do about it, she ignored his question, preferring to accuse the Tories of whipping up ‘Little England’ tendencies from the shires of middle England. She couldn’t see a problem when Brown takes over as PM and starts to dictate to the people of England.

Portillo tried to spell it out, what the West Lothian question meant, how unfair it was, how people in England were getting seriously fed up with it. Andrew Neil told her that the biggest issue and the biggest emailed response he gets on his ‘Daily Politics’ programme is always about asymmetric devolution and the West Lothian question. Michael Portillo nodded in agreement, Diane Abbott played the ‘Little England’ card.. "That’s just the Little Englanders complaining" she said as she tried to condemn us all to a democratic voidyness. She reckoned that once Gordon got his feet under the table everything would be OK.

Ms Abbott, this 6’ 3" twenty stoner is not happy at such dreadfully negative psycho babble – nor is he a Little Englander for that matter…

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Oooops, Duggie Alexander talks rubbish....

You have to laugh don't you? Headless Labour power freaks running around trying to put out fires of constitutional frustration both north and south of the border.....

Panicking, frothing at the mouth, purple in the face, shooting from the hip, they're bound to utter some right old bollocks aren't they? They'd have to go many a mile to beat this one though as reported on the BBC News story about the state of the union from up and coming Duggie, the enfant ordinaire of the Nu Labour administration....

But Transport Secretary Douglas Alexander, who is running Labour's campaign for the Scottish election, said: "The great outcome of devolution is it allows people to demonstrate their identity within the United Kingdom and, at the same time, not break up the United Kingdom."

Breathtaking, just breathtaking.....

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Gordon Brown wants to share out the values but not the cash or the power….

Amazing isn’t it. Brown unleashes pro British volto-glottal in a pathetic effort to keep him on course to be Prime Minister of something rather than nothing. Was he talking to me? Was he telling me to ‘hug a Scotsman’, eat more haggis and salute the Union flag?

Not exactly.

But ‘Great Brit’ Gordon wants us all to pull together – as he put it, he wants us to "share in the values of being British".

Hmmm, "share in the values"…..

I know politicians do ineptitude, arrogance and the occassional rent boy, but ‘irony’? Who’d have thought it.

Gordon, mate, it’s a pity your 'values' don't appear to include an equal share of the Union cash from your Exchequer – or the devolved power As per usual, it's the English who are left with the least in health, education and transport spending. As per usual, it's English elderly who are forced to sell their homes to finance their residential care. As per usual, it's English students who pay the top up fees. As per usual, train loads of Barnett formula cash heads north to Scotland to finance a lavish public sector, fantastic residential care and lots of expensive cancer drugs, the like of which English patients can only dream about. Even Scottish schoolkids get almost twice as much spent on their school meals than their English counterparts. As per usual,England is left democratically emasculated while everyone else plays at being proud and noble nations.

The fissuring of the UK is entirely a New Labour project. The great uneven devolution experiment with added 'England not included' clause was always bound to fail. The irony is, the push for real constitutional change is now coming from a disgruntled and disenfranchised English population rather than those from north of the border. The call in England is not for English votes on English matters – we’ve gone way beyond that. Now the call is for an English Parliament - and if this shower at Westminster really believed in democracy we'd have had one at the outset - in 1998 when Scotland got theirs.

If Gordon Brown really believed in 'shared values' he'd stop sending obscene amounts of Celtgeld to Edinburgh as some sort of election bribe. If he really believed in Britain he'd make sure we were all treated with the same respect. We are not. It is New Labour who have sown the seeds of discourse, it is New Labour who will reap the crop of British disintegration. And as for Tony Blair and his great legacy?.......

How about destroyer of the Union?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

And now you’re famous, Lorna McAllister from Glasgow….

In this story on the BBC Website about the chronic lack of care currently given to the elderly in England, the BBC asked punters - why many elderly and disabled people who need help to remain in their own homes are no longer qualifying for help from their councils.
Increasing demands on social services and less money to go round have led councils in England to restrict access to services such as home care, day services and respite care.
The Commission for Social Care Inspection today warned this was happening by default, and without debate.
Have you or a relative been told by your council you don't qualify for support to live at home? Do you have to rely on family or friends to help you? Are you are carer filling in the gaps?

Well people did write in, mostly from hard-done-by England….. But, the next to last entry came from Lorna McAllister, Glasgow…. Enlightened Lorna says it’s all our fault. Apparently, us English people waste our money on trivialities – rather than spending it on our elderly and vunerable.

Without a hint of irony, Lorna from Glasgow says –
How English! Look to your neighbours. We use our taxes more wisely. Scotland provides free personal care for its elderly. England simply has to do the same…….

I think she’s left the ‘y’ off the beginning of ‘our’, don’t you?

Lorna’s was the next to last entry – I was going to broadside her, but guess what, the BBC has closed the discussion forum…. Well there’s a surprise.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Old Alfie’s Almanac Predictions for 2007……..

A bit late I know – but hey, I’m old.

Old Alfie has been rubbing hard on his glass orb, carefully sifting through sheep offal and sniffing assorted animal droppings to give you his cutting edge predictions for the coming year….

Old Alfie predicts –

February 20th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £12 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the bricks and chippies tea bag supply in the original estimate.

March 2nd
Patricia Hewitt rolls out her ‘Dock Leaf’ strategy to the English public. "Dock Leaves are really powerful medicine. They are superb for all kinds of ills – and if that fails, the NHS still has some vinegar and brown paper stocks available on a first come first served basis. she said.

May 13th
Liverpool beat Charlton Athletic 4-0 to push Manchester United into second place and win the Premiership title.

May 14th
Old Alfie collects 2 grand from the bookies after putting a 20 quid bet on Liverpool to win at 100 to 1 in early January.
May 15th
Tony Blair leaves office in early summer. He’s dragged from the controls of power kicking and screaming "But my people, they love me! How will they cope without me?"

May 16th
Gordon Brown’s first parliamentary Question time goes off script. The mask of Englishness slips as he threatens Cameron with a Glasgow kiss – and calls him ‘Jimmy’

June 1st
Tony Blair declares he’s the world’s greatest diplomat. "The world needs me coz I’m Tony Blair and I’m bloody brilliant" he says.

June 4th
Tony Blair sets up ‘Diplomatix Inc’ – slogan ‘I’m Tony Blair from Diplomatix - I think you’ve got a problem and I’m the nosy bastard who can fix it’ He sets up offices in all the major trouble spots of the world – Barbados, Monte Carlo, St Moritz, Surfers Paradise in Australia, The Hamptons (NY), Dubai and Aspen Colorado…..

June 28th
In his new and very important role as world statesman, Tony Blair embarks on a whistle stop tour of important people around the world. His first point of call is The Vatican where he is seen waving to the ecstatic Roman crowd and shaking the Pope’s hand on the Papal balcony. Alastair Campbell is in the crowd and asks a passing Cardinal – "Hey you in the dress and the funny hat, who the hell is that up there on the balcony with Tony Blair?"

July 6th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £16 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the cement, the post-it notes and the HB pencils consignment in the original estimate.

August 12th
The England cricket team win the deciding match to take the inaugural Test series against Luxembourg 3 – 2. Skipper ‘Freddie’ Flintoff says "It was tough, but England are back" and thanked the Luxembourgers for an exciting contest. "In all truth, we murdered them, men against boys" he added. 12 year old Vice Captain and part time wicket keeper Geraint Jones agrees.……

August 13th
Cricket mad Premier, Gordon Brown declares a public holiday and a tour through the City to celebrate the great win. A tired and emotional Freddie Flintoff pukes up all over Geraint Jones and states that he couldn’t remember eating the diminutive Welshman.

An ecstatic Gordon Brown, resplendent in his St George’s plastic hat proclaimed "It’s a great day to be English. I’ve not seen scenes like this since Paul Gasgoine scored that great hundred against the Scots"…

September 15th
The Royal Navy takes delivery of its latest cutting edge addition to our naval might – a converted car ferry from the mothballed Townsend Thoresen fleet. Des Browne, Secretary of State for Defence declares that once again Britain ruled the waves – and thanks to his clear blue-sky thinking and the fact that his defence study group had ‘waved the rules’, our naval strength had increased by a third. "The Tank transporter will not be repainted. The boffins at the defence committee have invented rust coloured camouflage – and naturally we are the world leaders in this technology" he explained. "HMS Tank will join HMS Victory and the remade bits of the Mary Rose in offering a creditable maritime deterrent to our enemies" he said.

October 12th
Former Premier, Tony Blair is caught rummaging through Gordon Brown’s wheely bin. When questioned by the Old Bill, Blair declares he is suffering from ‘Nosy Bastard Syndrome’. "I’ve been to N.A. (Nosies Anonymous) several times. We all sit in a circle and introduce ourselves – ‘Hi, I’m Tony and I’m a nosy bastard, got any gossip?"

November 23rd
A special committee set up by Premier Gordon Brown in the summer reports to an expectant country. Apparently, the English don’t want an English parliament after all - and are happy that their affairs continue to be looked after by Londoner and patriot, Gordon Brown.

December 29th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £22 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the £6 billion management consultancy fees and bullshit quotient in the original estimate.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

One of Tony's babes send me a season's greetings card...

Hope everyone had a good Christmas - I did (apart from drowning in snot, having the odd family row and finding an amazingly cheap source of strong real ales - only to discover the shop was closed for the duration when I went to collect my bumper order on Christmas Eve).......

Just before Christmas, I received a jolly card from my local MP, Ms Rosie 'Doormat' Cooper. The card wished me Seasonal Greetings and a Happy New Year. I was a bit disappointed there was no 'Merry Christmas' message on it - but hey, in these days of political correctness it was possibly wise she didn't include it, fearful of insulting or upsetting other recipients with such 'super-offensive' language. On the inside was another non Christmas message - 'Seasons greetings from your Labour team'. The card was also liberally sprinkled with Labour logos.

I was a bit surprised. With the Labour Party currently in debt to the tune of £23 million, I wonder who exactly has paid for the production and printing of the card. I've asked around and it is clear that this has been sent to every household in the constituency. Who knows, maybe similar cards have been rolled out right across the country?

How do the Labour Party do it? Any other organisation would be declared insolvent, bankrupt, dead in the water - but at Party HQ, it's obviously carrying on spending money they don't have regardless - or is it? I've sent a letter to my representative of freedom demanding an explanation as to exactly how this tacky card has been paid for, bearing in mind the Labour Party are a totally skint organisation.......