They were all there last night weren’t they? All the usual suspects – like characters out of a who-dun-it murder mystery at Sir Roger Victim’s Manor House on a stormy winter’s night…..
Filling the boots of Mrs Peacock, Professor Plumb and the gang were Lady Fuddy-Duddy-Blue-Rinse, Miss Delusional, Mr Cockney-Sparrer, Mr Chingford-Skinhead, Mr Far-Right, Miss Denial and Miss Witchetty-Grub, the uglier of Mrs Thatcher’s twin offspring.
The programme was as shallow as an Aussie soap plot. It was a train crash – the Shit-TV Express in a head on collision with the Ignorance Inter-City …. "So you think you’re English do you? Well you’re not – no one is, so there, get bloody used to it, England is nothing more than the world’s biggest passenger airport lounge"….
One by one, the group formerly known as English were rolled out, set up and shot down by sneering presenter, Andrew Graham-Dixon.
"So, you are in fact 35% Northern European, 10% Blancmange, 25% Carpet Sweepings and 10% Monosodium Glutamate……. That just leaves 20% left…. Tell me, did your Granny ever shag anyone from Timbuktu?"
Cue collective crests falling, bottom lips smacking the floor, as the shocky rocky horror of it all hit home. It was bloody GBH before the 9 0’clock watershed. They hadn’t been Tango’ed or even Jeremy Beadled – no, it was much, much more subtle than that, they’d been DNA’d…. Were they related to a kipper in the done up position?
After 45 minutes, I’d had enough, I went to the pub….. We all agreed it was a really shit programme. Tacky, sad, all part of the plot to dissolve the identity of England before our very eyes. Why didn’t they have Billy Bragg on? He says he’s as English as roast beef…. Why not Ian Botham or David Beckham, innit?
Why was it just 100% English? Why not 100% Scottish or Welsh or British? Why not 100% Journalist? "So, Mr Andrew Graham bloody Dixon, you may have thought you were 100% journo, but I’ve got a bit of a shock for you….. Yep, you’re really 80% children’s show presenter, 15% wet fart and 5% French"……
Just then, someone said "Why not 100% Channel 4 Programme?"
We all agreed, ‘100% English’ was 100% pure Bullshit.