Friday, July 29, 2005

Monster conglomerate admits mistake - and amends it double quick!

What can I say? The boy ‘Troy’ has done the business for American conglomerate Eaton Corporation Inc – and all in under 2 hours!

I came across their website yesterday – they do everything across the world and they do it ‘big’ – by any stretch of the imagination Eaton are a multi billion dollar organisation. So I thought that maybe, I could get a few bobs worth of business out of them.

I surfed through to the ‘Locations’ page and clicked onto the customary drop down button with ‘Select a Country’ written on it. The button expanded and revealed loads of ‘proud and historic nations’ from around the world.

Antilles, Poland, Costa Rica and India are all there. Hmmmm, so is Wales, Ireland and Scotland – so England must be there also, right? After much scanning, I found it, masquerading under the moniker of ‘United Kingdom’…

I banged off an email under the title ‘A grave error on your web site’ to Eaton HQ in Cleveland, Ohio –

Dear Sir or Madam,

I've noticed on the 'Locations' page on your Eaton web site that you have a 'Select a Country' button.

When this is pressed, a drop down menu appears with lots of Countries. 'Scotland' is mentioned, so is 'Wales' and 'Ireland' - but no 'England' .... Instead there is a 'United Kingdom' button.

As a proud Englishman, I feel fairly insulted at this exclusion. England is a country with a population of 85% that of the UK - 50 million souls, so it really shouldn't be ignored. It has also given an enormous amount to the culture and technology bank of the world.

I would be extremely grateful if you could amend this error as soon as possible - take out the United Kingdom reference and replace it with 'England'

Thanking you in anticipation,

H the W……

Well, not much hope of change there then. Eaton Corporation are bloody huge. They employ 56,000 employees worldwide – last year they achieved sales of nearly $10 billion and this is their corporate website we’re talking about, so what chance did I have to effect any change whatsoever?

I should have known better, I’ve obviously been depressed and brow-beaten too many times by the Government obsessed lackeys in this country. I was expecting - silence.
I was very, very wrong. Within 2 hours, I received this -

Subject: RE: A grave error on your web site.

Good Afternoon!

Thank you for taking the time to point out this error. I have forwarded your message to our web administrator for review.

Best Regards,


Ms. Danielle Williams
Eaton Corporation- World Headquarters

A mere 10 minutes later, this dropped into my in box.

Subject: location changes in England

Dear Mr. The-Wake,

We are extremely sorry for this error on our locations page.
Amendments have been made to accommodate for Eaton locations in England.

Thank you for your inquiry, and I hope you continue to visit



Troy D. Chafin

Digital Communications
Eaton Corporation

Hey presto, the site has been changed – just like that. Why? Because Troy D. Chafin isn’t worried that Prescott’s uber nazis will withdraw Government work from them. He’s just concerned about accuracy, so he changed it – and quick.

But not only that, he’s also ‘extremely sorry’ it was wrong in the first place. Hats off to Danielle, Troy and Eaton for a rare example of reason. British companies on Wonko’s anti English list, please take note.

  • The amended Eaton page
  • Thursday, July 28, 2005

    Give me Freedom and Liberty.......

    (That's easy for Wallace to say, but what about Grommit - and me for that matter)......

    Feelind a bit 'Serf-like' and a bit 'Put upon' I thought I should bang off a quick email to me old mate Shami Chakrabarti, the Director of 'Liberty'. (slogan 'Protecting Civil Liberties, Promoting Human Rights') and tell her so....

    Why? God only knows. I'm sure it will be yet another exercise in head-banging futility.

    I've noticed lately that the fenland campaigns tend to follow a familiar, predictable and wearisome course -
    Phase 1 is to write the email.
    Phase 2 is to wait in a pregnant pause limbo land, while hoping that someone, anyone will get back to me.
    Phase 3 is to ring them up and try and get someone squirming on the other end of the phone - and actually admit the injustice.....
    Phase 4 - add them to the list of cretinous 'yes men' and Government brown nosers.....

    I'm clearly into 'Phase 2' territory with Liberty at the moment. The email was sent about 10 days ago... so tomorrow, 'Phase 3' will be instigated. I'll attempt to get through to Shami herself and make her squirm - which could be fun!

    Anyway, Phase 1 - my original email is reproduced below, I'll keep you posted on progress.

    Dear Shami Chakrabarti, Liberty Director,
    Can you please help me. I am being quite deliberately being excluded from the democratic process - so much so that I believe my human rights are being compromised.

    As it says on your web site you are concerned about 'Equality'
    and under that heading, your organisation says that :-
    'Liberty believes that all people have the right to be treated equally and fairly'........

    Well I'm not. Why? Because I do not have a National Parliament to represent me. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland do - but England doesn't, and that cannot be right can it?

    The Welsh Assembly has been able to vote in free prescriptions for everyone in Wales and offers substantial financial help for its students. There's a similar story in Scotland - lots and lots of goodies on offer to their own inhabitants - but not to me and my fellow countrymen in England.

    We all pay the same taxes, but thanks to the unjust 'Barnett Formula' , more is spent per head on the inhabitants of Scotland, Wales and N.I. than is spent on people in England.

    In order to right this wrong, this country needs a parliament - NOT unelected regional quangos or no power regional assemblies.

    Surely 'Liberty' should be fighting for equality for 80% of the UK population. If Scotland, Wales and N.I. have national parliaments - then so should England. Anything less is pernicious racism don't you think?

    Can you please get back to me to let me know of any action that 'Liberty' will consider taking against the Government in order to restore democracy to me and preserve my human rights.

    Tuesday, July 26, 2005

    No matter where I look, no matter what I do, he's in my face

    I didn’t want this to become an ‘I hate John Prescott’ blog, but it’s very, very difficult to avoid. He’s such an oaf, such an unadulterated whally with a whole sycophantasy of people behind him, only too willing to do his bidding….
    Oh, and a shed full of cash and power to boot …..

    Anyway, I’ve just heard a bit of a whisper that yet another, yet another bit of Prezza-pomposity has bitten the dust. I’ll provisionally add it to Prescott’s ‘tits up’ list, (which is well on the way to the second page by now).

    The grandly named ‘Pathfinder’ project for the North of England – you know, that’s the brain dead initiative where nearly half a million perfectly sound Victorian and Edwardian built houses were to be demolished – and replaced with crappy jerry-built boxes for the discerning New Labour voter…..

    Pathfinder house demolition was meant to stretch from Liverpool to Newcastle, and was sure to resurrect a whole new generation of corruption, Poulsons and T.Dan Smiths along the way. Not to mention the heartache as stable, organically grown communities are ripped apart in order to massage a blubbery fat man’s ego…

    The natives weren’t happy – neither was English Heritage. Nobody wanted to be pathfindered into a crappy new estate – and they told the fat controller and his acolytes so in no uncertain terms.

    Well apparently someone in Number 10 has taken notice and has ‘had a word’ with him. Has managed to locate Prezza’s rib cage under tons of pie-inspired blubber and shoved a sharp, politically incorrect elbow straight into them.

    The word is that the ‘Pathfinder’ project apparently no longer stands for ‘demolition and renewal’. Oh no, no, no. The spin meisters have had another look at the meaning of ‘pathfindery’ in the Spin Dictionary….

    The word has been redefined. The buzz word now emanating from B.S.H.Q. is ‘Refurbishment’…….

    So now you know, the Pathfinder project is now one of Refurbishment of decent and quality built houses…..
    It’s just a rumour from ‘a source’ – so it’s bound to be true.

    Monday, July 25, 2005

    Prezza mad - shock

    Don't you think it's spooky? 'Two people bent on destroying the environment. One fiddles on his musical instrument - the other just 'fiddles'.......You just never see Emperor Nero and John Prescott in the same room together do you?


    The Sunday Times yesterday claimed that arch ‘Fat Controller’ - John ‘mad-pie’ Prescott is the man that has broken Britain….

    The full-page article gave just a few examples of Prezza, the maestro of the science of ‘tit-uppery’ and his more bizarre Stalinistic meddling-mania.

    They talked about Prezza’s planning policy. Jonny has got total and unfettered power to give the thumbs up or down on what actually gets built. That man is playing King Solomon – without the wisdom or the where with all to do it.

    They talked about his big project to build ‘affordable’ houses on some land next to the River Thames. It’s part of his ‘Thames Gateway’ initiative. Unfortunately, Prezza and his clack of snivelling brown-nosers should have stayed with the original name for the land – ‘The Thames Floodplain’. He didn’t even consult with the local water authority about the problem. Insurance companies have also told him these houses would be uninsurable if built. I don’t know, maybe Prescott thought he was a latter day King Cnut – ordering the rising tide to go away and flood somewhere else… I can see the similarity, Prescott and Cnut, one and the same….

    His disastrous ‘Pathfinder’ projects for us flat capped, clog wearing wooly backs "ooop North" is also going as pear shaped as the great man himself.

    Honestly, reading the article was like scanning a Monty Python script, it was so weird - is this guy for real or what?….. It got me thinking - and inspired by the ‘Dead Parrot Sketch’ when Palin and Cleese are arguing about whether ‘Bolton’ was a palindrome or not…. "No it isn’t, my good man, ‘Bolton’ backwards is ‘Notlob’….

    Anyway, inspired by this, I wondered just what the two words ‘John Prescott’ would make if read backwards…

    Amazing, if you read Prescott's full name backwards it comes out as ‘Powermad Wanker’….

    It’s a pity though; the article never mentioned the Regional Assemblies debacle, the denial of democracy to 85% of the UK population and the constant haemorrhaging of money from his department. But the biggest faux pas was that the Sunday Times couldn’t even get the facts right on the headline…… Surely it should have said ‘John Prescott, the man who has broken England….

    Friday, July 22, 2005

    Shock – an open mind!!!!

    Well there you go. Just when you start to lose all faith in anyone changing their minds regarding an English issue, along comes Anne Hogbin……

    Who’s Anne Hogbin then?

    Well she’s the Chief Executive for the Commonwealth Games for England Organisation ( She and her colleagues are currently putting together the England team for next year’s Commonwealth Games in Melbourne.

    I thought I’d whack off an email to her to (wearily) ask her whether England could have a proper national anthem for next year’s podium presentations instead of the entirely predictable and inappropriate ‘Land of Hope and Glory’

    Judging by her reply, there does seem to be a bit of a chink of light there for changing the ‘victory anthem’ for England. I suggested in my email that perhaps ‘Jerusalem’ or ‘I Vow to Thee my Country’ would be more appropriate. You never know, with a bit more friendly persuasion, the anthem might get changed to something that most English people want – and who knows, if it is changed, you can almost dream of it becoming a bit of a catalyst……

    I wrote to her -


    Can I first say that I am a real English patriot - always anxious to reinforce our culture and way of life to the world.

    And that's the reason I've contacted you. I understand that the anthem that will be played again at next years Commonwealth Games for English winners will be 'Land of Hope and Glory'.....

    I personally do not like this - Elgar himself hated the words - and I don't particularly think it says anything about England. Also, with lines such as 'Thine Empire shall be strong'.... it just doesn't seem that relevant - has England ever had an empire? I thought it was the 'British Empire'.

    Why can't we have an anthem that actually mentions the Country? But doesn't go on about empires and glory and subjugation. How about 'Jerusalem'? - a brilliant tune with fantastic words by William Blake. (Which you no doubt already know).

    My personal favourite however is 'I vow to thee my Country'

    Words as follows by Cecil Spring-Rice.
    to the tune of 'Jupiter' from the 'Planets Suite' by Gustav Holst

    I vow to thee, my country
    Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love;
    The love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,
    That lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;
    The love that never falters, the love that pays the price,
    The love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.

    And there’s another country, I’ve heard of long ago
    Most dear to them that love her, most great to them that know;
    We may not count her armies, we may not see her King;
    Her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering;
    And soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,
    And her ways are ways of gentleness, and all her paths are peace.

    These are truly great words to a fantastic tune. Why can't we have this one as the anthem or Jerusalem? Going for 'LofHandG' is just so typically wide of the mark. Instead of glorying in jingoistic waffle and of non existent Empires ....
    the words of I Vow to Thee' are classically understated and so moving.

    Can someone please get back to me asap about this most important matter and if you couldn't help me, who I could talk to that actually makes the decision..

    She wrote to me…

    Thank your for your e-mail and your interest in the Victory Anthem utilised by England at the Commonwealth Games.

    It is certainly within the gift of each country to choose their own Victory Anthem and as a result of your e-mail I will ask the Council, when they next meet in October, to re-consider whether they feel that ´Land of Glory´ remains their preferred anthem or whether they would wish to use another composer as you suggest.

    Thank you for your interest and for taking the trouble to contact us.


    I don’t know, what do you think? The reply she’s given me almost sounds like they can INDEPENDENTLY make a decision without the interference of the New Labour busy-bodies….. Can that be true?

    Anne Beggs to differ…..

    Firebrand Scottish Labour MP, Anne Begg has replied to Hereward’s cogent and pithily worded email – asking whether she had got her facts wrong during this week’s Prime Minister’s Question Time.

    Anne rather naughtily and quite outrageously claimed that the World’s most successful author, JK Rowling was a daughter of Scotland…..

    To make matters worse, arch war criminal and member of ‘NA’ (Narcissism Anonymous), Tony ‘ballsy’ Blair – only went and agreed with her by claiming JK as a legitimate piece of tartan tail.

    Ever anxious to get at the facts, ‘H’ did some delving and found that JK is from the Cotswold area of England – so he told Ms Begg so. (See previous post). He also informed the reporters of all things uttered at Westminster, ‘Hansard’. I don’t think I have ever been given such short shrift. What a bolshy lot they are in that organisation.

    Anyway, for the record, please find detailed below Anne Begg’s reply.

    "Dear worried English person,

    I said she was Scotland's most successful author. She lives and works in Scotland. I did not say she was Scottish. Hansard is therefore correct".

    Right, perfectly clear there then. I just need to tell Spain’s most successful actor - Sean Connery, and England’s most successful female singer – Madonna.

    Wednesday, July 20, 2005

    Harry Potter and the question of nationality…..

    Tony smiled a smile. You know, ‘smirky’ the way he does. He had, after all, just had the easiest PMQs of his entire Premiership and it was nearly end of term time at Westminsterwarts School for Ingrates and Idlers.

    Slimy Mike, the school creep and Chubby Chaz, the off-licence obsesssive and serial donut scoffer, were pushovers – the hardest question he had to field so far was whether anyone could seriously get away with wearing a dark blue tie with chucky egg stains down the front. Why not guffawed Tony, Prezza does it all the time…..

    Soon I’ll be on my freebee holidays – where I’ll save loads of quidd-ich thought Tony, just got to field this last question from Anne Begg, Labour MP for Aberdeen South – then I’m off!

    Anne, the proudest of proud Scot that could ever be, (apart from Tony Blair behind closed doors) asked Tony if he had read the latest Harry Potter book ‘Harry Potter and the Licence to Print Money’ – ...."For Prime Minister, you'll be well aware that it is written of course by that fantastically brilliant Scottish author JK Rowling"……….

    Tony smiled and revelled in the Scottishness of it all ....... before he suddenly remembered that he actually wasn't a very posh public school boy from Edinburgh at all, but was, in fact a snotty geordie kid from the wrong side of the tracks.... who just got 'lucky' cos he's a regular, decent kinda guy.

    Sorry Raj people – you can’t claim JK as one of your own. I know she now lives in Edinburgh and that she occasionally buys the odd haggis – but face it, she ain’t Scottish. She’s one of ours.

    A bit of a bummer for Tony, Gordon and Charlie Falconer, they like to associate themselves with all things successful – and if it’s all things ‘Scottish’ as well – then so much the better!!!!

    For the sake of accuracy in Parliament (a rare thing indeed) and to stop Ms Begg uttering this untruth ever again, for the record I have gleaned this info from a JK web site.
    Joanne Kathleen Rowling was born in Chipping Sodbury General Hospital in Chipping Sodbury, England on July 31, 1965. Her father, Peter, was an engineer and her mother, Anne, who was half-Irish and half-Scottish, was a homemaker who stayed at home to care for her and her younger sister Di, who arrived two years after J.K.
    At the age of four, she and her family moved to Winterbourne, in the outskirts of Bristol. She enjoyed school very much and liked playing with neighborhood kids, one of which was named "Potter." She would never forget those kids and would eventually name the main character in her books after one of them.

    Tuesday, July 19, 2005

    The end of a beautiful world wide fund for nature relationship….

    Because of this, we, the ‘The-Wake’ family are leaving the WWF – and taking our standing order with us.

    They said –

    Dear Mr The-Wake,

    Thank you for your reply.

    I would like to stress that WWF is not a political organisation but that we have to work within the political system to work towards our conservation aims. You might be aware that WWF is working on conserving biodiversity (endangered species, forests, rivers etc.) and addressing global threats (climate change, consumption etc.) by working with people for sustainable solutions.

    Yours sincerely,

    Stefanie Wenke
    Supporter Care Executive.

    We replied in our letter of resignation from the WWF -

    To - Stefanie Wenke
    Supporter Care Executive.
    World Wide fund for Nature

    Dear Ms Wenke,
    Thank you for the reply – Quite apart from your condescending lecture on the WWF remit – don’t forget, we have been members for nearly 25 years, the info within your reply is as if written by one of those highly paid government think tank, spin gurus. I also notice that you did not answer any of my questions in my last email –

    I detail them again -

    1) In order to receive co-operation/grants from the British Government and to preserve your charitable status within the UK, has the WWF been leaned on by the government to divide its organisation into EU inspired Euro regions?
    In essence, will they only recognise a REGIONAL agenda - that fits the Euro matrix, and not a national English one.

    2) Will you have on the revamped web site, the very VERY reasonable and non-controversial heading of *WWF England’ - with a list of regional offices underneath or not? Ideally, the regional offices should be very reasonably
    entitled 'North West England Office’ etc .. AND NOT 'The North West’ etc.. (Apparently, the omission of any reference to England on the new web site was due to an 'oversight' - as told to me by someone from 'damage limitation', WWF HQ)...

    3) The current Chief Exec’ for 'WWF English Regions’ is Steve Micklewright ( - Will the job description be changed on all future literature to, Chief Executive for WWF England?
    (Incidentally, I wrote to him over 2 weeks ago about this matter and have yet to receive a reply. Sort of sums it up doesn’t it?)

    You and your organisation may have to work within the flawed and undemocratic political system that Blair's junta has imposed - but my family and I don't.


    We now regard your organisation as being 'anti-English' - it has now been placed on our anti English list. We will simply not deal with or finance anti English organisations. All items in our house with a panda logo on them will be chucked away or burnt.


    Mr H the Wake and family.

    Monday, July 18, 2005

    So I said to the lady at NHS HQ….

    "Hello, I wonder if you can help me, a Government Minister has hailed the increase in dental check-up charges as "Making the system fairer and simpler for everyone."

    "The rise in charges is envisaged to be up to around £12 – but I understand that there will be no check up charges whatsoever for people living in Scotland. They will pay absolutely nothing, it will be totally F.O.C"…..


    "Free of charge."

    "Oh dear, I thought everyone in the UK had to pay. I didn’t know that some people got it free while other people have to pay.

    "Well it ain’t, people in England always have to pay. In Scotland it’s free, courtesy of the Barnett formula. Now that’s the kind of system that really is fairer and simpler – don’t you think? The Barnett formula modus operandi is to get some other mug to pay for your health obligations… It just isn’t right is it?"

    "Oh I agree."….

    "So why can’t the people living in England have free, free, free check ups – as of right?" And why is charging us in England £12 per check up more 'simpler and fairer' than charging the Scots 'nix'?

    - Pause pregnento interminable – and then some………

    "Let me get back to you with an answer."

    I’m still waiting.

    Thursday, July 14, 2005

    "Trust me, I’m just trying to sell you a credit card"..

    Strolling into the foyer of ‘Chez spoon de greasie’ – a motorway service station straddling the M62 today, I notice some young bit of tottie is starting to eyeball me.

    Well that’s nice! There’s no doubt about it aitch, you’ve still bloody well got it son. I look straight into her dark, smouldering eyes and as if caught in a Blofeld tractor beam, I reel her in.

    I’ve clicked!

    Errr, correction – no I haven’t.

    She’s got a clip-board with her.

    It dawns on me, I’m not the spider, I’m the fly…. I’m not the one with the white cat on his lap – she is…..

    She’s got me. Shit!!!!

    "Hello Sir, have you ever thought of having a credit card that will help the National Trust?"

    "Errr, no I hadn’t ever thought of having a National Trust card"

    "Well now’s your chance – and you can gain free entry to all En-Tee’s property"…

    I’m completely underwhelmed. I’m desperately trying to find an exit strategy where I can leave with my money in my pocket and she will still be in possession of most of her gobby teeth.

    "Sorry, I’ve no money….
    "My wife will kill me….
    "I’ve got enough credit cards thanks"….

    All this is happening at a trot – I just cannot shake her off.

    It’s no good, nothing is working. Nothing, nothing at all (as ‘Bros’ once said). Even the rapidly advancing rancid smell of ‘meato-rendo corp’ – or ‘Burger King’ as it more usually known as, is not putting her off.

    Then it hit me – the sure fire no holds barred get out clause of all get out clauses.

    "You know, it’s the ‘National’ Trust…. Well what ‘Nation’ are we talking about?"

    "The whole of the UK"

    "The whole of the UK, eh"
    "But not Scotland, because they’ve got their own organisation, the National Trust for Scotland, haven’t they?"

    She agreed.

    "So is ‘The National Trust’ a trust for the nation of England then?"

    She looked in her little bag of National Trust bumf. "Hmmmmm, no. Apparently, The National Trust also includes Wales and Northern Ireland"……

    "Okkkaaaaaaaay, so it’s an organisation of 3 Nations then?"

    Before she could think of a suitably P.C. answer, I noticed a map showing the offices of the National Trust around the 3 countries on her leaflet.

    "Ooooh, let’s have a look at that then". The map had Scotland shown as Scotland, Wales shown as Wales, Northern Ireland shown as Northern Ireland.

    As for England? Chopped up into Regional slices obviously - under the cosy title of ‘National Trust Regional Offices in England’.
    Wales and Northern Ireland have their own National Trust Offices – under the titles of ‘National Trust Office for Wales’ and ‘National Trust Office for N.I.’

    "It’s just not right is it missus? My Country just isn’t there is it?"

    "Oh yes it is – the National Trust is all of the UK… except Scotland"

    Good bloody grief is this woman taking the piss or what?…. The credit agreement in my hand began to fail under the rapidly tightening grip of my hand. Soon it’s a little ball of wood fibre, then it’s a little missile heading for the basket called ‘bin’.

    Michael Jordan, eat your heart out…..

    "So don’t you want to sign up to the card then Sir?"…….

    Thursday, July 07, 2005

    London bombings......

    A terrible tragedy in London today. Terrorism requires a measured and resolute response frrom our Leaders at such a traumatic time. The Country looks for guidance and leadership.... needless to say, the slimeball Blair gave his customary haltering and gasping speech with outrageously long mid-sentence and sometimes even mid-word pauses. What an utter fraud that man is. Even at this God awful time he just cannot drop the act - the voice, the body language, the eyes fixed at a far off object.

    Contrast the vacuous Blair's act with George W Bush's informal, shocked - but most of all, genuinely heartfelt statement outside Gleneagles at lunchtime today. I don't have much time for dubbya, but his was a much more convincing and genuine communication of solidarity with Londoners than the ghastly staccato glottal posturing of Blair, a man devoid of all honour and integrity. I wonder how many times Blair has practised that (act) speech in front of the mirror as part of the contingency plans. And what is really amazing, anyone actually reading this can just imagine Blair doing it.

    The cynic in me wonders how long it will take him and members of his cruddy cabinet to visit the injured in hospital. - Contrast that with British soldiers savagely maimed in Iraq and now residing as busted flushes in army nursing homes. In spite of frequent requests to do so, not one, not one single Minister, has ever managed to visit them.