Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Honest Steve Byers…. (a fairy story)

Stephen Byers – an utter disgrace
Disgraced former Secretary of State for Transport, Stephen Byers – has been cleared of lying by Parliament’s (No) Standards Committee. Steve can now rejoin society and the Cabinet to become the token Englishman that everyone hates, without a stain on his character or his underpants.

After a good 2 minutes of hard analysis, ferreting and investigating that would have had even Sam Spade in a flap, the No-Standards Committee have found him not guilty of lying, but ‘sort of guiltyish’ of telling an ‘untruth’.

A swift butchers at my ‘Lie-ometer’ says that an ‘untruth’ is somewhere between an ickle-wickle fibby-wibs and a bit of over exaggeration and is nowhere near a lie. As the No Standards Committee explains, ‘lying is only ever committed by paedophiles, despotic Dictators (not including Tony Blair), tabloid journalists and LibDem MPs……

The Committee has also banned anyone from using the rhyming couplet ‘Prince of liars, Stephen Byers’ from now on.
The Committee have sanctioned a competition in which prominent poets are to be invited to submit a new, more appropriately upbeat and honest appraisal of the character of Mr Byers.

I’ll save them the trouble, here’s my effort – Stephen Byers, you are devoid of any morals whatsoever and are a conniving has-been lying bastard.

(Needs a bit of tweeking on the rhyming bit, possibly).

Darling in the Dock…..

Trams are a no-show

Alastair Darling, the Scottish no mandate Secretary of State for Transport in England has been taken to court by Merseytravel today. They want to sue him and his department for sabotaging an environmentally sound tram system proposal in Liverpool.

With not much warning, Darling pulled £170 million worth of government funding last November from the ‘MerseyTram’ initiative. Unfortunately, he had previously given the green light to the council to get moving on the project – and promised the grant cash would be available. With this guarantee in their back pocket, the council started spending their part of the deal….. over 50 million quid to be precise.

The council and Merseytravel are left with over 1,000 tonnes of worked track as well as loads of compensation payments.

Merseytravel are demanding to know exactly why the government cash was withdrawn after Darling had guaranteed the funding. If you remember, the same thing happened in Manchester earlier last year, promised government funding suddenly disappearing…..

Merseytravel, if you really want to know why the cash has been filched, well, I hear they’ve got some really superb brand new rail and tram facilities being planned and built north of the border……. Oh, and let’s not forget the proposed vital new rail link to the Olympics village in London……..

10 worse Britons – ever! (apparently)

No, not a crap cd compilation – this is apparently a survey conducted by BBC History Magazine of the very worst that Britain has chucked up over the centuries.

Well, I cannot believe it.The worst 10 Britons – ever has failed to include any of my favourites. No Tony Blair, no Peter Hain…. And rather incredulously, no Five-bums Johnny Prescott.

Heading the list is Jack the Ripper, closely followed by Thomas Becket. Then comes a couple of people, so bad that I’ve never heard of them - Eadric Streona and Sir Richard Rich, Lord Rich of Leighs……. Didn’t MacCauley Culkin play Ritchie Rich in a movie – was he that bad? Another bad-un is apparently Hugh Despenser (the younger) – well, I bet ‘the older’, ‘the wiser’ and ‘the incontinent’ are relieved about that….

Anyway, the full top ten goes as follows - 1. Jack the Ripper, 2. Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, 3. Eadric Streona, 4. King John, 5. Sir Richard Rich, Lord Rich of Leighs, 6. Titus Oates, 7. Prince William Augustus, Duke of Cumberland, 8. Thomas Arundel, 9. Hugh Despenser (The Younger), and 10. Oswald Mosley.

Maybe you have to be dead to qualify….. Prescott, mate, it can be arranged. All those who would like to rub out ‘Five-bums’ form an orderly and very, very long queue…..

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Where's Alfie?.....

APOLOGIES for the paucity of posting lately - I have mostly been designing stuff for England and the English cause via some web sites and magazines etc. Hopefully, this will help bring the message to a wider audience and get that door pushed ever wider.

I should be back in action by Monday. Meanwhile, no surrender.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Separated at birth….

Has anyone noticed the uncanny resemblance between these two…..

Direct Optik, A Spectacle Shop

Lembit Opik, A complete Spectacle

Spooky eh?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


3am. London, Englandshire, Britain….

OK, this is hot off the presses. A reliable source in a certain household involving a dour Scottish man with a pile of cash has tipped me the wink regarding a forthcoming happy event.

Apparently, this very prudent Scottish man and his wife (not called Prudence) are expecting another child. My source has amazingly and incredibly managed to find out which names the proud parents are thinking of christening their newly conceived child……

If it’s a girl…..
Boudicca Britanny-Annia Brown.

If it’s a boy….
Horatio Winston Runnymead Brown.

The proud parents are said to be over the moon at the news. Asked where this little miracle of fiscal expenditure will be born, both parents were keen to declare that "It didn’t really matter – as long as the youngster was born ‘British’, so he or she could absorb all that amazing uniquely British fair play ‘stuff’ that Dad has been going on about since last week……."

However, my north of the border spies have informed me that a ‘Mr Brown’ has booked the ‘Robert the Bruce Mother and Baby Suite’ at the Freedom Wing of the Mel Gibson Maternity Hospital, McDour Avenue, Edinburgh for a delivery sometime in the Summer……

Could it be our good old ‘British’ Mr Brown using a ‘Mr Brown’ pseudonym to revert to a tartan type? I guess we’ll never know….

(But just keep a look out for those tartan nappies swinging on the line in the back garden of number 11 Downing Street)…..

Sunday, January 15, 2006

A nightmare scenario.........

I had a worrying thought this morning in bed. It’s so horrifying that I can hardly contemplate it. But could it happen? Nah, surely not…… but maybe so.

The thought that couldn’t be contemplated, and is too horrifying to dwell on goes like this…..

The problem
Gordon Brown wants to be Prime Minister more than anything else in the world. He’s desperate – like he wants it now! But there’s a problem, Gordon knows that the English population, an increasingly critical media and English MPs will add to the deafening chorus of NO MANDATE’ to pass legislation that will only affect England and not his own Scottish constituents….

That is why Gordon has gone all pro-British, all watery eyed about the true values of today’s proud Briton. He hopes, in his desperation and naivety that the rising tide of English Nationalism can be somehow conflated into a British identity….. (Some hope)

But what if the ‘Brit offensive’ doesn’t work? What then?

The Nightmare Solution
After a bit of expansive thinking, Gordon secretly asks the Boundary Commission via his pal, 40 chins Prescott, to ‘get rid’ of his current Scottish constituency of Dunfermline East. Get it amalgamated into a neighbouring one – and quote the need to slim down Scottish representation at Westminster, citing the already substantial powers of the Scottish Executive as the reason why…..

That then frees Gordon up to pursue another constituency in a Labour heartland, just in time for the next General Election. A Labour heartland where they’d vote for a cardboard box, a used nappy, or even a cardboard cut out of John Prescott if it was entered as a Labour candidate. The old Labour incumbent will move aside to let Gordon in - and accept a peerage in the process for falling on his sword and opting to 'retire early'.....

The Labour heartland would obviously be in England – somewhere Northern, somewhere industrial, somewhere dour and rainy……

Brown can practice his pie eating skills, buy a whippet & a flat cap and integrate himself seamlessly into the local Labour club scene with the help of a pint of mild and a clack of Party worker sycophants…..

The End Game
Now that Brown has an English constituency, he has the Premiership, he has a mandate.
And with that it's Carry on Scottish Raj starring Gordon Brown as Jocky McEvil.....

Well, that’s my nightmare. Could it happen? What do you think?….

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Taking our medicine…

Ahhhhhh, so there you go. It’s all so clear now isn’t it? I just knew there was a logical reason for exactly why the people of England continue to shell out for their own prescription charges – as well as also stumping up for the Welsh and now the Scots poorly people. Over the years, I’ve tried many, many times to get a proper, no holds barred admission from the sycophants at NHS HQ, The Department of Health and my own bloody useless MP as to why this should be so – but all to no avail.

Inspiration hit me yesterday – and I went straight to the horse’s mouth, the huge, over managed, inefficient, NHS web site to find this explanation……

‘Entitlement to help with health costs (NHS prescription and dental charges, optical and hospital travel costs) is based on the principle that those who can afford to contribute should do so, while those who are likely to have difficulty in paying should be protected’……..

So that just must be the formula eh? If you’re English, you pay. For everyone!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The West Glamorgan question.

Someone who knows what he is talking about sent me this - it seems like good advice.

Subj: Government of Wales Bill - The West Glamorgan Question 

Dear All
I have been studying the Government of Wales Bill currently before Parliament. Explanatory notes can be found here

The Bill will make a number of changes to the Welsh Assembly so as to increase its powers. Amongst the proposals will be a Referendum (in Wales only) to give the Assembly full law making powers almost equal to those of the Scottish Parliament. We are all familiar with "the West Lothian question" but the governments proposals for Wales are going to create yet another unfairness which I have called the "West Glamorgan question"

Rather that merely complaining about this I believe that the Bill provides us, and sympathetic MP's with an opportunity to get the entire issue of England and its disadvantaged status discussed not on a mere theoretical basis but in connection with a real legal change namely giving law making powers to the Welsh Assembly. This Bill provides the first opportunity since 1998 (when Devolution happened) for English MP's to have a real debate in Parliament on the "English Question". Both the media and Politicians do need a "peg" to hang a the debate and a vote on and the Government of Wales Bill provides us with that peg.

I would suggest that we encourage as many people as possible to write to their local papers and local MP's raising this issue and asking why Wales needs its own Assembly with law making powers, a First Minister etc. I suggest that in letters to MP's the point should be made that English MP's are being paid the same as Scottish and Welsh MP's to do twice as much work. Point out that in Scotland and Wales much of an MP's "local" constituency work now has to be dealt with by MSP's or AM's whilst English MP's still have to deal with local constituency matters as well as being expected to deal with UK matters, Foreign affairs etc. Suggest that the present situation re Devolution is not merely unfair on England but also unfair on the MP himself/herself. That should make them think a bit.
Best Wishes


Sunday, January 08, 2006

21st Century thinking from Disco Dave Cameron......

(that'll be the same as 20th, and 19th Century thinking then)....

The new, improved, greener than Robin Hood with rampaging gangrene Tory Party has launched a bit of a new initiative. 'Clear blue sky thinking' has gone the way of 'Thatcherism' and 'Back to Basicsism'.... 'Thinking' at all is generally frowned upon, unless that is of course it is withn the approved guidelines of the new 21st Century venacular.

The first law of Cameronism says we must think in the 21st Century, preferably with the hip-hop sound of gangstar rapper, 50 cent pulsating in the background......

With the 20th Century blinkers cast from my eyes, I perused the new improved sexy, carbon-neutral website from Tory HQ.... The drop down menu reads like this.... Eh up, I thought, must be a bit of 20th Century detritus left, 'England' appears to be left out of the 21st Century process....

I banged off an email.....
Hello, I wanted to find out about my country in your 'NEWS BY YOUR INTEREST' section.

Hey, guess what, Scotland, Wales and even Europe are all there - but absolutely no ENGLAND. (And don't forget, the Tories got the biggest share of the vote in my country in the May election). Now this must mean that a) there is no interesting news in England - or b) you are following a bit of an anti English agenda - just like Labour and the Lib Dems. For your information, England IS NOT a collection of regions - it is a country....... and believe me it's getting fairly fed up.

In this age of 21st century consultation, don't you think it might be just 'nice and respectful' to be consulting with the biggest country in the union? How arrogant that you don't - but hey, that's politics for you, we mustn't upset the Scots and Welsh must we?

And while we are on the subject, when can we expect a commitment for an English Parliament from your party. EVoEM is simply not the answer. 80% of Westminster parliamentary time is taken up with English only
legislation - so while all this stuff is being debated, what are all those barely working celtic MPs going to do?

AND FINALLY - why is having an Assembly in Wales and a Parliament in Scotland a good thing - but an English Parliament is apparently such a bad idea.

If you think this issue is going to go away - you are living in cloud cuckoo land. More health and education spending on Scots and the Welsh will only make the English population's clamour for change more impatient - and guess what, it's ALWAYS the people in their Westminster ivory towers who are the last to know.

21st Century thinking? If only.

Some 21st Century bird called 'Kate' eeee'd me back.

Dear Steve,

Many thanks for your email to David Cameron - I'm replying on his behalf.

I must apologise for the delay in replying to your email - I'm sure you can understand that we've been completely inundated with correspondence since David took over.

I take on board the points you raised regarding the 'grouping' of news article on our website. However, all of the news articles and press releases do relate to England, and Scotland/Wales/Europe are only identified separately so the news can be distinguished for each area - this does not mean they are any more, or less, important.

For more information on David's views on an English Parliament, please see the FAQs section of his campaign website - here

Many thanks again for writing.

Yours sincerely,

Kate Marley
Correspondence Secretary
David Cameron's Office
House of Commons
London SW1A 0AA

Aside from failing to answer any of my questions, even in a dark age ninth century way, guess what, 21st-Cee Dave has gone for an EVonEM option......

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Criticising Scots is 'Anglocentric' apparently...

This letter in the Scotsman - reaction to Niall Ferguson's diatribe in the 'paper a couple of days earlier... Needless to say, this reader has branded Ferguson's views as 'Anglo-British' and 'Anglocentric'...

So there you go Jimmy, when one of your own is slagging you off, just blame the English, obviously....

Anti-Scottish historians
Professor Niall Ferguson's tirade against Scotland (your report, 2 January) was neither the first time nor, I suspect, the last time an anglocentric Scottish historian will denigrate the culture of Scots and attempt to falsify our history. In this respect, he stands shoulder to shoulder with other contemporary Anglo-British historians based in Scotland in a lineage that goes back to Sir Walter Scott, and before that to the "North British" figures of the 18th-century Enlightenment.
Wedded as they are to the Union, they can hardly contain their disdain for those Scots through the ages who have refused to buy into cultural assimilation, political dependence and national self-negation. But when the British establishment's pet historians rant loudest against Scotland, it is a sure sign that confident, creative and independently-minded Scots are again in the ascendancy.

Spey Terrace

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The brass McNeck of it all…..

Scotland’s First Minister, Jack McConnell has issued a warning to David Cameron not to interfere in Scottish affairs if he becomes Prime Minister. Full brass neck story here…

You just couldn’t make it up could you?

Morag meets her match.....

I had to laugh when I read Michael Sissons article in Saturday’s Times as he recounted some anti English bigotry north of the border. This bit in particular resonated with yours truly."A YOUNG Englishman whom I know joined a Scottish arts organisation last year. He was the only Englishman there. He found the atmosphere of hostility poisonous. Worse, his wife, a doctor, took a job nearby at a large NHS hospital. On her first day at work, she was met by a large white card on her desk with the greeting: "F*** off, English bitch." Outraged letters to the Leader of the Scottish Assembly and to NHS management produced no reply. The couple packed it in and returned to England……" It’s an all too familiar tale of parochial bigotry, and I too have been on the end of such bitter McVitriol.

I used to go to Glasgow quite often on business. One of my main contacts up there was an English girl – whenever I saw her in her big-shot corporate office it was like she was under siege. She used to whisper in hushed tones to me that her Scottish office colleagues hated her guts and were doing their utmost to get rid of her.

At the time I thought she had a real problem, a sort of persecution complex – but over the months, I realised she was right. In the end she was given the boot, all part of a supposed slimming down exercise. The department was top heavy by the factor of 3. One guy was retiring anyway, another transferred to nearby department, and that just left my English contact who was obviously made redundant……

And that was a bit rich really, no sooner had she been given the big E, when her Scottish replacement was wheeled through the door to do the exact same job. I worked for a short while with the new replacement. It was obvious she knew jack about the job – and that was why I was being kept on. But inevitably, I felt the cold wind of bigotry wafting around my invoices. I was sending them less frequently, as every month went by, the phone calls and emails got less frequent.

One of the last jobs we did, was a large brochure for the whole Group, and it was instigated via the London office. It was a bloody great project involving a large amount of photography. I duly engaged an English photographer and we went up to do the shoot.

Now I was used to the "why isn’t a Scottish company doing this work?’ questions by the Scottish workforce I came into contact with. My strategy was to act dumb, sort of apologise and then bung another 100 quid on the job – as a sort of fine for racial harassment. But my photographer pal was a different proposition altogether. The shoot lasted a week and as the days went by, the snapper began to pick up on the little snide remarks from the people we met on our travels.

The final act was on the Thursday, Peter, our gofer and client rep’ had organised for one of his colleagues to be snapped as a sort of ‘typical company employee at work station’ picture. This shot was intended to go right at the beginning of the brochure – it was a sort of visual keynote statement for modernity, vibrancy and efficiency.

We were introduced to Morag.

Our hearts sank.

Morag looked like she’d stepped right out of the set of Briga-bleeding-doon. It was Harris tweed meets tartan army overload. She was wearing miles of it. Not only that, she was sporting a flowing mane of red hair with a complementary flock of freckles spread right across her ruddy cheeks….

She should have been sat next to a spinning wheel or a harp rather than a computer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Moira Stewart was in the building…

The snapper went ballistic. It was so clichéd, so small town, so parochial. I wouldn’t have minded but the company we were doing the job for was bloody massive, huge, mega-rich, mega-multinational offices in all the main cities in the financial centres of the world.

Not only that, just behind Morag was one of the most fantastic looking women I’ve ever seen. Young, modern, efficient, fashionable and totally bereft of tartan, she was truly international, empowered…. And her name was Sophie….

The snapper wanted to shoot her. What’s more she was really up for it. But there was a problem, Morag was getting impatient. Morag was Scottish, Sophie was an Aussie. We were fed up.

Peter the gofer was losing his rag. He insisted that we took Morag’s picture, because "she had got dressed up especially"…. The snapper was furious, there she was, dressed from head to toe in a virtual National dress of braveheartyness…

The snapper hissed at me, "I’ll take her fucking picture but I’m dumping the digitals as soon as we leave the building". So there we were, snapping away with tartan-clad Morag when she said ‘it’. A true ‘red rag to a snapping bull moment’ if ever there was one….

"Och, are there noo Scottish photographers who can do this job?"….

The snapper decamped in a fist of fury. Tripods were triped, lenses lobbed, cameras chucked into bags. We were outta there faster than you could say ‘I’m gonna kill a cliché’
We drove down the M8 like bats out of hell, a white knuckled drive of hysteria through the Glasgow rush hour traffic. He only calmed down after we passed Carlisle, after that, I had a hundred miles of mutterings…"That fucking Scottish cow, what a fucking bigot!!!"….

I reckoned playing ‘The Proclaimers on the cd might not have been the wisest thing to do…..

Monday, January 02, 2006

Oooooooooh, McHome truths from a departed son.....

An expatriate Scottish historian has provoked fury north of the border by calling for the land of his birth to be put into ‘liquidation’ because it has become "the Belarus of the West"

Prof’ Niall Ferguson said Scotland’s glory days were long over, leaving it a "small, sparsely populated appendage to England" Read the full, McBitchy story here ….