Princess Tony, sent down at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the ‘Cash for Honours’ heist is going to need all the ‘Surviving Bird’ help he can get - so with this in mind, ‘Humanitarian Alfie’ has been consulting with his shadier mates in the pub. Knuckles Blowtorch and Crusher Dentalwork have pooled their respective grey matter to produce a 10 point do’s and don’ts plan of prison etiquette…...
1) Upon entering prison, try not to get up the Guards’ noses. Only speak when you’re spoken to – and never, ever, try to tell them that Gordon’s the Mr Big…
2) OK, you’ve been led to your cell and hopefully you haven’t yet been beaten up. Your new pal on the top bunk is looking you up and down, and asks you what you’re in for… Under no circumstances tell him that you’ve been done for selling ermine cloaks from the back of a car in a motorway service station.
3) In order to get his respect, much better to invent a whole new crime. Tell him you’re a mass murderer, that you’ve killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people in order to impress one of your hoodlum mates. That way you’ll come across as being both psychotic and unstable…. In no time at all he’ll be offering you the top bunk and calling you ‘Sir’.…
4) Now you’ve got your new crime, you’ll need a dangerous name to go with it. Try and act ‘tough’ at all times - make people scared of you. You are not an ‘ordinary kinda guy’ any more – from now on you’re a raving nutter. You’re now ‘Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair’
5) OK, you’ve almost reinvented yourself – hard new crime, hard new name – now you need to adopt an ‘attitude’… Mad staring eyes are good, so is a manic smile – and you’ll need a catch phrase…. ‘‘I’m Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair - and if you look at me like that again I’ll stab you in the eye…. Cos I’m so bloody mad"
6) Swagger – you’ll need a ‘walk’. When you saunter down ‘D Wing’ everyone needs to know you mean business. Remember those Clint Eastwood movies and those cowboy boots – a gift from George Dubbya?….
7) ‘Snout’ – this time, nothing to do with Lord Falconer’s hooter in the trough. In prison, ‘snout’ is tobacco – a form of currency…. It would take quite a few tons of ‘snout’ to buy a peerage.
8) It is important that you choose your friends very, very carefully. Avoid anyone built like an outside bog – and if anyone calls you a "Blair bitch" run like hell.
9) Don’t ever drop your soap in the showers – and if you do, never, ever bend down to pick it up.
10) Finally, never forget those wise, wise words of Michael Howard – "If you cannot do the time then don’t do the crime"….