Thursday, March 30, 2006

Where Tesco fail, Lamby and Beefy succeed…

Hats off to the people marketing real English Lamb and real English Beef on the telly and in cyberspace. Having watched the animated TV ads starring Ian Botham and Alan Lamb characters drawn from their England playing prime, I noticed the label sticking out of the meat had an English flag on it.

Balimey! I decided to have a look at the web site Strewth! Strike me down with a rolled up copy of the NuTesco ‘no England’ manifesto – a product not only identifying with England, but positively revelling in it.

For instance, if you go to the info about the label, it says this -
"The Quality Standard Mark also tells you where your beef and lamb is from. For example meat from an animal born, raised and slaughtered in England will carry the Quality Standard beef or Quality Standard lamb Mark indicating English origin with the St George's flag. If an animal cannot meet all the criteria, for example it is born in Scotland or Wales, it will be able to carry the Quality Standard Mark but indicate British origin with the Union flag.

Go to the distributor page – and there is a map of England with all the English counties in position….. and that’s it. No ‘Regions’, anywhere.

Not only that, they are running a ‘St George’s Day, nominate your local hero’ campaign. Click here to listen to Beefy talking about it…..

See how very easy it is Tesco? A company using an English identity in a positive and proactive way – and getting a booming sales drive to boot…. Maybe you too should adopt the same pro English strategy?…..

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

John Prescott – a right div.

While ‘freebie Tone’ is away on an Antipodian jolly, PMQs was today taken by fat cretin John Prescott.. Up against him was the Master of quick wit and ready repartee, William Hague.

The performance of the baggy one was gob smackingly inept. Prescott said lots of words – very few in the right order. Hague absolutely mashed him, making him look a bigger whally than he already is. Prescott forgot lots, couldn’t find his notes on ‘spontaneous jokes’ and couldn’t find pre-prepared answers to friendly ‘closed’ questions from back bench Labour MPs. At times, he did a more than fair impression of a tourettedly-dyslexic Eddie Wareing commentating on a Rrrrrugbee League clash between ‘Rorverrrrrrs ‘Ull Kingston versus Trinity ‘kin Wakewigan’.

There was lots of twiddling of order papers as Prescott continued to commit GBH on the English language. Every now and then he would shout out an insult here and a blurt out there. He even accused Hague of being ‘anti-English’. He just threw it in, I’ll have to check Hansard to find out what the hell he was talking about......

The trouble is, will they report what he said as 'Prescott-speak' or will they do a translation job on it?

Bargain of the month….

Four English pounds and ninety-nine English pence was all it took to buy a St George’s flag from my local ‘Range Superstore’.

The quality is excellent – but the best bit is the size of it, it’s absolutely huge. Three full English yards long by two generous English yards deep. No miserly, Napoleon-inspired metric skulduggery here – just honest English imperial as the measurement of choice for this product. I unfurled the flag when I got home – and I swear it stretches across two counties and a time zone. Fortunately, I have the heavy-duty flagpole necessary with which to get it up to it’s full morning glory…..

It will be a suitable focal point in our garden on the 23rd April – and of course when Becksy, Stevie, Frankie, Rio-ee, Waynee, Ashley-ee and Company-ee lift the World Cup after stuffing Brazil 5-0 in the final-ee…

I wonder if they sell them in Tesco? .......
Nah, probably not.

Democracy inaction?

Last night, whilst waiting for my turn to get into the bathroom, I decided to have a quick butchers at the BBC Parliament television station. What luck – I’ve tuned in just in time…. A full Q&A was going on, apparently it was something rather grandly monikered – ‘The Commons Commission Questiontime’.

Well, that’s what they call it, I favour ‘banal, irrelevant and a total waste of time and money’. The House was, as usual (apart from PMQs), about 90% empty. Amongst such trivia discussed, cogitated and cud-chewed was –

1) "Whether the brass knobs within the lifts in the special gallery west, in the Palace of Westminster had ever been polished?"

2) "Did everyone realise that the 4 new disabled car park spaces in the Palace grounds will, by definition need to be larger than the standard car parking spaces – and had this been taken into consideration?"

3) "Had the newly built covered walkway at Westminster (costing the neck-end of 450 grand) now solved the problem of the previously greasy and slippery, but now dry pavement underneath?"…..


This democracy malarkey is not as simple as I first thought…. I mean, there’s obviously a lot more to legislating than shouting "Yaboo" at the top of your voice on a Wednesday PMQ session….

Fer instance…. "Mister Deputy Speaker, sandwich fillings for the Parliamentary bar, tuna, BLT or eggy-cress?"
"Order, order….. What about cheddar cheese and onion?"

"Does the Right Hon’ gentleman realise it is our turn to have possession of the Commons common-room Remote Control – and perhaps the Remote Control Committee under the Chairmanship of Lord Bragg could investigate the feasibility of replacing the ‘double A’ batteries?"

"Can the last person using the toilet in the Lobby please let the Toilet Roll Commissioner and the Stool Sergeant know that the ‘soft and fluffy’ is getting dangerously low?"

Parliament simply has to change…. Otherwise how the hell can people take it seriously?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Mad dog, you’re a bit of a thick puppy, aren’t you?

"Sit …. And stay. Good boy…. Now stop it, stop it…. Stop doing things with that cushion, you naughty, disgusting little highland baldy mad-dog terrier"…… Sorry, doing a bit of daydreaming there. Back to the everyday grind of Scottish Raj reality.

I’ve just got a letter from ’Mad Dog’ John Reid, MP. Now, I know what you’re thinking ‘shock horror’, John Reid can write?’ Well he can, just! (Although some of the apostrophe punctuation and spelling is a bit iffy)

Good old Mr Reid, faithful four legged friend to Blair the pack leader, the man who put ‘hench’ into henchman and ‘lying interfering bastard’ into ‘NuLabour Westminster Politician’. ‘Mad dog’, the proponent of the "Hey are you looking at me Jimmy" brand of politics and an expert in the execution of the ‘Glasgow Kiss’ has sent me a letter. Oh yes, the original Gorbals growler has delivered his much researched in-depth justification for voting on English only matters via the Royal Mail (so that’s another 25 quid into the exees account then)…..
I have cut and pasted the salient bits of the letter below – his waffle and my translation of it. I don’t know about you but I reckon the mad dog is becoming a delusional ostrich. Pressure, pressure, pressure….

"MPs are elected from their constituents to represent them and their interests in Parliament and to assist with their problems locally"…….

Errr, Johnny, baby….. English health matters, English education matters and English transport matters don’t matter to your constituents because they ain’t local to Airdrie and Shotts, mate.

"If the only function of an MP was to represent his/her constituents on issues that only directly effect them, then MP’s from Birmingham should not be allowed to vote on legislation that only effects the coastline, or MP’s from London should not vote on legislation that only effects constituencies with coalmines etc. This would be unfair and unworkable".

Utter rubbish – and a totally infantile argument. It’s obvious some ‘blue skies thinker’ from Millbank has come up with this ‘coalmines and coastline’ strategy. I’ve heard it from various Labour stooges and yesmen over the past few weeks. There is no doubt about it, it’s a last desperate throw of John Prescott’s furry dice in an attempt to stem the rise of Blighty-Nationalism. I also notice he hasn’t said anything about himself being unable to pass health and education legislation on his own constituents….. a system he obviously considers to be ‘workable’….

"It is also true that my constituents pay taxes to the UK Treasury to be distributed by them in accordance to the wishes and priorities of the UK Parliament. I therefore have the right to represent my constituents in examining how and where that money is spent. It may be that, currently, the money that Parliament gives my constituency by way of settlement to the Scottish Parliament and direct non-devolved services is greater than the money the UK Treasury receives by way of revenue from my constituency but that is a matter of parliamentary discretion".

Eh up, Reidy admits his constituents are onto a good thing, so why change it, why rock the constitutional boat?

Mad dog, you know what? I don’t think you’re bloody mad any more – I just think you’re running scared. Grrrrrrrr…….

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Shock - Charles Clarke gets sums wrong on Plod botch!! (and he was only warned about it in 2004)

Think of a number, triple it, then double it. Add another few million, multiply it by a hundred, then work out how many people live in Calcutta and add them to the total.... What do you get - big numbers right? Or to put it another way, the approximate cost of regionalising the police forces in England...

Charles Clarke, the face of a slapped arse of a Home Secretary has been told to go away and think again on his plan to introduce 'Balkan-Plod' police forces in England. Apparently, he's got the sums a bit wrong, a leaked Home Office report warned him in 2004 that the £800 million allocated was like, not enough by a zillion miles. Chaz, try adding a nought or two...... or better still, leave things as they are!!

Full story here

Monday, March 20, 2006

A cautionary tale ... the ferreter's story.

Strange how stuff ‘comes around’ and ‘goes around’, innit? You'll no doubt be aware that members of the second oldest profession – 'corrupt politicians' are in the news again….. T’was ever thus.

For instance, hands up all those who have ever heard of Victor Grayson? He’s a name lost in history – but 80 years ago, he was on every newspaper’s front page. Grayson was a crusading socialist politician in Britain just after the First World War.

A former MP, he made it his business to seek out injustice and corruption at the very highest levels of the British establishment. His most fervent crusade was against David Lloyd George – who he accused of selling honours and Peerages for cash to anyone who could stump up the necessary readies…..

He was spied on by the newly formed MI6 - they thought he was a Bolshevik agitator – Legendary ‘ace of spies’, Sidney Reilly took an extra special interest in the man constantly blowing whistles. Grayson suspected he was being followed and did a bit of digging. He discovered the guy on his tail was non other than Arthur Maundy Gregory – who as well as being a spy, also did the fixing for Lloyd George’s honours selling scams….

Unfortunately for Victor, he got too close to the truth. In late September, 1920, whilst in a bar in Leicester Square, he received a phone call. Excusing himself, he left, saying he was meeting a man at a nearby hotel.

That was the last time he was ever seen alive. Gregory was reckoned to have done him in for blabbing about the cash for honours scam. His body was never found……

Well that was then - but what about now? What about today’s establishment and the current honours for loans scandal….. Hmmmm, I hope New Labour Treasurer, Jack Dromey and Standards Committee boss, Sir Alistair Graham don’t go meeting any strange men in hotel rooms….

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Strange badfellows….

So why do you think FA Chief Executive and Martin O’Neill lover, Brian Barwick was at Twickenham yesterday watching the England v Ireland Rugby Union match? Stranger still, footy man Brian was laughing and chatting with the chap in the next seat - non other than the ‘champ of all things British’ and Raith Rovers stalwart supporter, Gordon Brit-Brown…..

Now, what do you think those two were plotting then?

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Blair Junta….

Can it get any worse? How much limbo-lower can the Labour Party go? The ‘GreedypiggiesinthetroughGate’ loans scandal is just another example of NuLabour’s day-on-day ability to out-corrupt itself.

Tony Blair, El Presidente, a number of questions need to be answered here don’t you think? For instance, How the hell is your Party ever going to pay back 14 million pounds worth of loans? Presumably, there will be interest to pay as well and a repayment schedule arranged? Also, if your very own Treasurer knew bugger all about the loans, then presumably they did not go through the Party’s main bank account… so which bank account has got the 14 million pounds - and who the hell signs the cheques if it ain't the Treasurer?

One thing is for sure, Blair’s Party, Blair’s Government, Blair’s Country are three sick puppies. Blair is little better than a bling-bemedalled General leading a corrupt and morally bankrupt South American Country from one disaster to another. He and his pathetic cadre of tin-pot toy corporals have brought ruination to this once confident country. Power is the drug, Money is the corrupter, Celebrity is the fix, Moral bankruptcy is the dividend.

Tony, if you want to raise money for the Party, sell Keir Hardy’s cap, Clem Atlee’s moustache, or even one of your many, many faces on ebay….

One thing’s for sure, the people of Britaguay have had enough.
We really, really have.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I’ve run out of fingers…. (almost)

Yes, just been conducting a bit of an experiment. Highly technical, highly scientific, highly mathematical…..

I’ve been watching the BBC telly news on BBC 24 – and the reporting of the vote on the Education Bill, live from Westminster. The very learned Beeb reporters, the cream of ‘hacks incorporated’ have been collectively slobbering at the mouth – it’s all so exciting as they froth on about ‘the PM’s ‘education legacy’. Each and every one of them has said how "Blair sees it as his destiny to empower Britain’s education system with this bill"…..

Oh dear, that’s not right at all is it?

Every time they said the word ‘Britain’ instead of the Country, ‘England’ merited another fold-down on my ‘digitometer’…..

(I’m getting a bit worried, I’ve only got a couple of thumbs left, so it looks like I’ll have to take the socks off – and that means the wife is going to start retching, then)…..

STOP PRESS - No need to panic everyone, the 9 'Democratic' Unionist MPs from Northern Ireland have come to Blair's rescue and decided to vote with the Government.... Phew, thank goodness for that, democracy is safe for another day......

Russell Brown MP – a suitable case for treatment…

(But being a Scottish MP, he’ll get all the expensive 'in denial' drugs necessary, free from the Scottish Health Service, of course)….

Whenever I get a bit bored, I like to bang off the odd email to my old friends north of the border. Saturday was a case in point, nothing much on telly, just a 4 pack, laptop and an attitude, still seething from 'FalconerGate'….

I have my favourites of course, the mad, bad and the dangerous to know, they’re all there at the other end of a mouse click. Some you get a reply from and some you don’t…. But there is always one that rises - always one that stands out from the crowd. Always one that hits the big bottle of umbrage and sends a broadside right back to me.

My favourite champ of Scottish indignation is my old pal, Russell Brown, MP for Dumfries and Galloway. Russell has a chip on his shoulder the size of a full bag of Barnett formula cash – so we’re talking ‘big’, we’re talking ‘crinkley’, we’re talking ‘braveheart attitude’….. .

I bunged off my email to him….

Dear Russell,
Can you please desist from voting on English only legislation at Westminster. It doesn’t concern you, or your constituents – so please do the honourable thing and go and have a fag in the bogs when the division bell sounds…..

Russell got back to me – on Sunday morning….. so he couldn’t have been that busy, could he?

Mr Wake,
I could have expected such an e-mail from someone from the south of the country, but I am a little surprised that somebody who lives in Lancashire perhaps does not recognise the significant geographical location of my constituency.

There are some people from the local area who attend secondary school in Carlisle and a considerable number of people use the hospital services at the Cumberland Royal Infirmary. Furthermore, many individuals, especially young people attend the further education college in the city of Carlisle.

In other words the provision of NHS and education facilities in England are equally as important to me, and the local people in my area, as are the services provided by the Scottish Executive.

You really do need to be careful about protecting the Union of our nation. If your argument was to be taken to any kind of logical conclusion, then I hope that you realise that you are also saying that London MPs cannot vote on transport issues relevant to the rest of England, because the Mayor has responsibility for transport issues in the city.

Russell Brown
Member of Parliament for Dumfries & Galloway Constituency

Now several points concern me about this reply. He mentions education, health and, because of my email, the threat to the Union – plus a little dig at those from south of Watford ….. Is he having a laugh or what?

Maybe I’ve been double trumped. Maybe he’s fed up with me emailing him under various guises – maybe he’s bunged in those ‘red rag to a bull’ words, knowing that I would ‘get a bit upset’…..

The bit that especially got me was the reference to ‘our nation’. Russell is now apparently a member of the New Labour and Unionist Party…… but not really, as can be seen from the section in his website headed ‘National News’ …… Click on it – 95% of it is Scottish politics stuff, first minister this, Scottish conference that….

Needless to say, I reposted, with an epost…..

Mr Brown,
I don’t need any lectures on Geography thank you – I had those via my grammar school education, courtesy of a rather psychotic, but brilliant geoggers teacher. I originally come from Liverpool – which is quite near Wales, and next year the Welsh will have free prescriptions for all (in Wales, obviously). Now I suffer from Arthritis and every one of my English prescriptions costs the neck end of 7 quid (ANOTHER 15 pence rise has just been announced – hoorah).

With all that ‘cross border traffic’ you referred to in your last email – you’d think it’s going to be a case of me just ‘nipping over’ the border to get my free prescription; because, we all live in one country don’t we? Errrrr, no actually, we do not!. The Welsh Assembly has taken punitive measures to stop what they call ‘Prescription Tourism’ from taking place – ie they are bringing in measures specifically to exclude English people from getting free prescriptions in Welsh chemist shops.

The same is happening in Scottish Universities and English students – punitive measures to stop them going north to take advantage of a non tuition fee environment. (We have tuition fees down here you know, courtesy of…… well, you know who, don’t you?)
Plus, free old people’s residential care, free central heating systems to old people, no matter how rich they are, free eye tests and those oh so expensive life saving cancer drugs like Herceptin (available in Wales and Scotland ON DEMAND – but you want them in England – then forget the Chemist, find a Lawyer!!!!!)

Your constituents can come over the border and still reap the benefits from a subsidised Scottish Executive – not so the other way round. For instance, I bet there are some of your constituents currently residing in OAP care homes in Carlisle. Who pays for their treatment? Of course, the Scottish Executive!!! But who pays for the English lady in the home in Carlisle? Ooooh heck, now let me see........ has she got any savings, a house maybe?........

Mr Brown, as I said before, I don’t need any lectures on geography, nor do I need them on ‘protecting the union’ – as far as I am concerned, the union is a busted flush, courtesy of Blair circa 1998. Apartheid is alive and well and operating within the UK. The English are second class citizens, and have the dubious pleasure of picking up the tab for all the extravagances mentioned previously. I speak as a man who has watched his Mother pay 3 grand for a central heating system – and in the next few years could go into care, so it looks like she’ll have to flog off her house to pay for it. My Son has a debt of damn near 20 grand, courtesy of fees etc (with no job at the end of it) – whilst his Welsh student friends received grants and had their fees paid for them, even though they were at an English college. My other 3 Sons will not be going to College – they cannot afford it.

Mr Brown, apartheid is alive and well and living in the UK - call yourself a democrat? You should hand your head in shame.

Disenfranchised Englishman.

I await his reply.....

Monday, March 13, 2006

Falconer fallout …..

Like most English Nationalists, I too was outraged by Lord Falconer’s ill-conceived ‘no English Parliament’ comments. I was incandescent – Friday morning was a total waste of time, work forgotten, my mind a mush of indignation and anger as I thought about what to write - to him, to the 'papers, on my blog.

No matter what I typed – somehow it just didn’t do it for me – and anyway, the rest of the English blogging fraternity was tapping away in outrage overload. So what should I do? How could I vent my spleen? I decided to ring Charlie up at his office at the Department of Constitutional Affairs.

I rang. Charlie wasn’t in – he was delivering his ‘No English Parliament’ speech. No one else in the ‘Devolution Unit’ was in either – they were all with Falconer, providing mob-handed support.

That just left this guy on the other end of the phone minding the constitutional shop. Well he got it with both barrels from me. Both barrels from my double barrelled Howitzer…… for about 15 minutes solid it was a one sided rant. The guy on the other end recognised my ‘passion’ and ‘anger’ and absolutely promised to get the head honcho of the Devolution Unit to ring back this morning.

Guess what? He did!

At 9:32am today, one James Copeland, the poshest man in the entire Universe rang me up. The honcho from the Devolution Unit, Falconer HQ had returned my call.

"I understand you were offended by Lord Falconer’s comments last Friday"….

This time, I was more measured, this time I was coolness personified, because Monday was different from Friday. ..... Thanks to Fatty Falconer, Hurricane English Backlash had been born and was currently hovering dangerously over Charlie’s hairy left earhole…..

I stated my case to posh James Copeland, but as the discussion carried on, his poshness fell away. He sounded sort of weary and beaten, maybe he knew that the ‘Devolution Unit’ in Charlie’s little empire was on borrowed time? Before I hung up, I thanked him for listening – and then asked him to pass my congratulations on to his rotund boss.

Copeland sounded a bit puzzled – "Why?" he asked.

"Well it’s obvious innit James. Your boss, Charlie Falconer has done more than anyone else to further the cause of an English Parliament since Simon de Montfort….Maybe we could give him a little statuette of an English Rose – and name him ‘true friend of England"…..

Mr Copeland couldn’t possibly comment.



I am anxious to donate some money to the Labour Party. The need has never been so vital - and as our Leader once said, donations equals success at the ballot box!

I'm not entirely sure how much to donate - so I've really pushed the boat out and been saving very, very hard. For instance, I've organised a raffle and a Jumble Sale in order to swell the coffers. All this hard work has paid dividends - I've managed to amass the grand total of 20 English pounds. Kerrrching!

What I want to know is what could I get for my donation? What's in it for me then....You know what I'm talking about, don't you.... Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more................

I suppose a Peerage is out of the question, then?

Maybe you could put me on one of those 'QANGO' committees? Afterall, I can pick my nose, suck my pencil and scratch my arse along with the best of them! And a few hours work a year for a bag full of cash seems like a real deal to me!

Anyway, have a word with Tone will you and see what you can do.

ps - If I could have a Peerage, I've already thought of some great titles...
Preparation, preparation, preparation!!!!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Meanwhile, back in ‘black and white’ world….

The place: Somewhere in the north of England.
The time: Teatime on a Spring day in 1963.
Activity: Eating our tea & watching the BBC 6 o’clock news on the telly. 10 year old kid – just about to start asking awkward questions…

Me: "So what’s a ‘Profumo’, then?"

Mum: "He’s not a ‘what’ – he’s a man – and a very, very bad man at that ….. disgusting"

Me: "What about ‘Keristeen Keeler’ – is she bad as well?"

Mum: "Very, very bad"….

Me: "As bad as the very worse bad person from the planet ‘Bad’ – the baddest planet in the whole Galaxy of Evil?"…..

Mum: "Probably much worse….. Now eat your greens, all up"

Me: "So what’s a 'prostitute' then?"

Johnny Plod lets David Mills off the hook….

Email to Metropolitan Police HQ, traffic division 4/3.06.

Sir: I wonder if you could help me. On Friday, 3rd March, I watched the TV news story of Mr David Mills, husband of Culture Minister, Tessa Jowell and close friend of Mr Berlusconi, Prime Minister of Italy. The film showed Mr Mills coming out of his house, getting into his BMW and driving off. He subsequently hit a people carrier door about 20 yards down the road. I understand that he also drove over a cameraman's foot.

It was absolutely obvious Mr Mills could not see a thing - the reason being that the whole of his front windscreen was completely frosted up with ice. He didn't bother to scrape it off at all, preferring instead to garble something in Italian (something about a horse’s head?) to the waiting paparazzi. His bravura was astounding, he’d obviously forgotten his scraper and de-icer - and failed to complete his mirror signal manouvre, errr, manouvre.... This was quite evident from the close up film work - and especially obvious as he got in and drove off. It was like watching a blind man driving - and crashing a car. Tell me, would you let Stevie Wonder climb into a high powered German car and drive off – even if he was married to a Government Minister?

As Mr Mills quite clearly committed a serious motoring offence (driving a vehicle that it was wholly unfit to be driven) and as the law is supposed to apply to everyone, will you be interviewing him?

Reply from the Met’ to HtheW HQ, 9/3/06.

Thank you for your communication dated the 4 March, which has been forwarded to this Unit.

Whilst I appreciate your concern that this incident was broadcast, there are a number of reasons why the Met’ would not normally prosecute in this matter:-

I am sure that you will appreciate that with finite resources, the Met have to prioritise investigations and prosecutions, with those involving death or serious personal injury taking precedence.

We do not have full details of the incident; it was only viewed by a third party..... blah, blah, blah.....

Yours sincerely

Metropolitan Fudge Department.

So there you go, next time you get a speeding ticket, just tell them you know the Italian Prime Minister…..
(failing that, just start going on about horses’ heads)…..

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

To Mr Ken Livinstone, Mayor of London, England.

Yes, honest, London is in England

Dear Mayor Ken,

I've just been on your website and couldn’t help noticing a ginger headed guy in a big floppy green and white comedy hat on the home page. I clicked on the link and was immediately transferred to ‘Paddy’sWorld’ – a whole new green experience. Judging by the stuff planned, next Sunday in London is going to be wall to wall O’Celebrating. It is of course the all singing, all dancing, all drinking-Guinness, St Patrick's Day celebration - when everyone in the whole world becomes an Irishman for the day. They're all doing it - I understand that Saddam Hussein has managed to trace his roots back to Malachie O’Hussein of the O’Hussein clan from County Clare. Even our esteemed leader, Tonio Blair has managed to find a link with a prominent Irish family. He reckons he’s related to Bono – and is, even now trying to arrange a meeting with his long lost Irish rellie at the U2 frontman’s private island in the Caribbean…. The first three weeks in July will apparently suit Tone, the wife and his kids the best. One thing’s for sure, when those two meet, the Strats’ are going to get a fearful fretting…. Ugly Rumour meets Enormous Ego.

Back to next Sunday..... The march is going to be big, really big - and it will take in Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square and Covent Garden......

As a proud Englishman, living in England (a country) - I'm anxious to know whether London, my capital city, the capital city of my country, which is England, will be having a similar, or perish the thought an even bigger celebration to mark St George's Day. In case you have forgotten, St George is England’s patron Saint – and his feast day is on the 23rd of April - and what joy of joys, this year it falls on a Sunday!!! I’ve had a butchers on your website, but there just doesn’t seem to be anything planned for St George.

Perhaps it’s an oversight, maybe you forgot? Tell me Ken, you’re not related to O’Amnesiacs of …….... sorry, it's gone.

Can you liase with your old mate, P.C. Sir Ian Blair (related to the Bobby O’Blair clan of County Donegal?) – and get him to clear the streets for a bit of a knees up on the 23rd. Yes, I know money’s tight in London at the moment – and yes I know you’ve already shelled out nearly 200 grand on the St Patrick’s Day extravaganza, but couldn’t you have a bit of a whip round down at County Hall?

A monkey, a plate of vol-au-vents and a bloke with a big floppy red and white comedy hat on your website should do the trick. Maybe a nice website message would be good - something along the lines of : "London will celebrate St George's Day with a free parade and festival on Sunday 23rd April. The event marks the enormous contribution English people have made to the capital, socially, economically and historically. All are invited to join in the fun - it's a great day out for all the family. So come along, let's party and celebrate St George, patron Saint of England! (that's a country by the way)"

I'm sure it’s bound to be a really great day, and everyone in the whole wide world will be trying their best to be an Englishman for a few hours….. Even you Ken? ...... Tell me Mr Livingstone, you’re not related to the NuLabour Livingstones of anywhere but England brigade are you?

Note: St George is in no way related to the O'Saint family of County Kildare..... but then again, neither is St Patrick.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Anger, Anger, Anger!!!!!!!!….

BBC’s Panorama tonight highlighted the appalling and illegal practice of forcing old and infirm people in England and Wales to sell their homes in order to finance their NHS care..... which they should have as of right.

What shocked me most was how ordinary these people were … a lifetime of work, a lifetime of trust – betrayed. The state/citizen concordat – you work and pay taxes all your working life, we’ll look after you when you’re ill - has been lost in a pen pushing fudge of fiscal skulduggery. These people all looked like bedrock Labour voters – and the sadder their condition, Alzheimer’s, cancer etc, the more aggressive the bullying from NHS-BMW man. Most lived in humble semidetached dwellings, some even lived in terraced housing. The amounts the houses sold for was just pitiful, 40, 50, 60 grand…..

As usual, the BBC failed to ask why it wasn’t so in Scotland. As usual, the BBC failed to ask why the old people in Scotland are looked after far more compassionately than they are in England and Wales – could it be something to do with money?.

And the really sad point about it – Wales via their very own Assembly will no doubt outlaw this appalling practice in the near future…. But who the hell is going to look out for English old people?

Another blogger joins the fray... or does he?

Mail on Sunday columnist, Peter Hitchens has a brand new blog (so he says in his Sunday column). So if you feel like interacting with Pete, the address is -

I haven't yet linked it as the blog doesn't appear to be up yet.....

Prescott's poodle to go online - and off message?

Local Government Minister, David Miliband is due to start his own blog sometime next month.

Rising star Dave, Prescott's very own poodle - and architect of the great Super City Councils in England 'big idea' is going to start waxing lyrical on a number of topical issues providing he gets approval from Cabinet colleagues....

Full story here

Dave - I just don't think you realise you are about to kick a hornet's nest thinking it's a football...

Friday, March 03, 2006

An everyday tale over the breakfast table…..

Dave: "Pass me the marmalade please".

Tessa: "But why do you want the marmalade? Can’t you make do with jam? What’s the hidden agenda… it just smells so ‘fishy’ to me"

Dave: "I hope not – I’d rather hoped for Seville oranges actually…. Look Tessa, you’ve got to start trusting me. The marmalade is for the toast…. Savvy?"

Tessa: "Of course. I’m sorry…. It’s just that…
You know I have to be ‘careful’….. Being that I’m an incredibly important and intelligent woman at the heart of a passionate and talented government and everything….. I mean, I don’t want ‘Gus’ coming down on me over failure to declare stuff"…

Dave: "Oh for God’s sake. I’m going to work"……
Oh, before I go, can you just put your moniker on this bit of paper please?"

Tessa: "Yes, of course, but what is it, I mean – you know, I have to be careful, you do understand don’t you darling?"

Dave: "Now, now Tess old girl, you know better than to ask me that, don’t you?"

Tessa: "Look Dave, I really must insist on knowing what the signature is for"….

Dave: OK, OK, old girl. You’re right, you’re just too clever for me. Remember that nice Italian gent I’ve been telling you about?"

Tessa: Who? You mean Mr Omerta from Cosa Nostra Villas, Camorra Avenue, Naples?

Dave: "That’s the chap. Well, apparently, Mr Omerta has started to collect autographs of great British political heavyweights… He wants to start right at the top"…

Tessa: … "so he’s come straight to me!!!"

Dave: S’actly!! I thought this official looking document might be suitable – you know, to add a bit of gravitas……

Tessa: Got a pen?

Well it just might have happened that way, good old Tessa signing for a re-mortgage of over 350 grand without asking or realising exactly why she was doing it……

Although,, it’s not as bizarre as tonight’s interview with arch perjurer, and poison pen letter writer, Margaret Hodge giving her "full and unequivocal support" and opining how ‘integrity’ veritably oozes out of every pore of Jowell’s intelligent brow….

You just couldn’t make it up…..

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Asda wrapping themselves in the flag of St George?

Ron, my very good friend, fellow quiz team player and passionate English patriot has had a reply from Asda regarding their forthcoming St Patrick’s day bargain offers (see Monday's post) – and wondered if they would be repeating the gesture on St George’s Day.

The rather grandly monickered, 'Asda Events Team’ has written back to him. They’ve noticed an upsurge in support for our patron saint and have confirmed that Asda will be producing a range of St George’s Day goodies for our National day.

Their words were "We’ve noticed our customers are becoming passionate about St George's Day, they will be pleased to know that Asda will be providing similar facilities and events as St Patrick’s Day".

I say "Hallelujah to that"

Ron says perhaps more realistically, "let’s wait and see"

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Blair – celeb junkie….

How low can this man sink? Tony Blair, our leader, the Prime Minister, our representative to the whole wide world is going on ‘Parky’ this weekend as a guest.

’Did-oudellydoo-do-doo, did-oudellydoo-do-doo,
Did-oudellydoo-do-doo, did-oudellydoo-do-doo,
Did-oudellydoo-do-doo, did-oudellydoo-do-doo,
Did-oudellydoo-do-doo, did-oudellydoo-do-doo,
do, do, deedo-do-do-dooooooooooooooooo!!!

"Good evening laydees and gentleman, let me introrrduce my first guest. Some saaay he’s an enigma, wrapped in t’holiday brorrchure, others just think he’s an utter berk. In Yorkshire, we just call this poof a posh, power-mad, money-grabbing, caber-tossing syckorrrrrrrrpath.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Torny Blair…… Come on, clap you bastards!!!

Doesn’t this man have any shame? The Parky interview is the latest in a long line of Blair-Rebrand-Inc scams - and the metamorphosis from despotic power hungry cretin to chummy celeb TV person. Past, "Hi, I’m Tone, just an ordinary kinda guy" performances include 2 appearances on Richard and Judy (including one doing the ‘You Say, We Pay’ game). He did a whole half-hour on ‘On The Ball’ BBC’s footy pundit show – and most shamefully, an interview with Little Ant and Dec, a couple of ten-year-olds asking him such tough questions as ‘Tony, what sweets do you like?’

And each time, he gives the same performance, the shrug of the shoulders, the boyish smile, the ‘trust me’ I’m just like the guy down the pub….

I reckon he’s seeding. Making contacts in celebworld for when he hangs up his big pointy stick and begins career number 3. Maybe radio beckons – DJ Tone-deaf?

"Yo there, rock fans, welcome to ‘Volume Number 10’, the rockingest, rollingest rock’n'roll rock-fest in the Yo-universe. And tonight, a special treat for all fans of rock – a whole hour of retro appreciation for a very special band from the ‘70’s. Let’s rock with the ‘Ugly Rumours’….."
But more likely, it’s going to be TV. I reckon Parky better watch his back, ‘Blairy’ is about to steal your job…..