Little guy takes on JuggerTesco – and wins!!

The man who cannot be bought

Hats off to Mr William Chase from Tyrrells potato crisps – a small independent savoury snack producer catering to small, independent outlets throughout the country.

Tyrrells don’t do mega deals with control freak supermarket chains – and that includes Tesco. They only deal with farm shops, delicatessens and independent grocers shops – so that doesn’t include Tesco. Mr Chase is a passionate man, more concerned with the quality of his product than with being bullied, screwed down, then ruthlessly shafted by the hyena of the high street. In spite of this, Tesco asked if they could stock Tyrrells crisps, Mr Chase declined.

So imagine Mr Chase’s surprise when he found out that Tesco were actually selling Tyrells crisps in their out of town supermarkets. They had apparently got hold of them through a third party. Mr Chase told Tesco he did not want his product on their shelves and requested they desist from selling them.

He asked them several times – and true to form, Tesco ignored him several times. Patience exhausted, Mr Chase went to court. Today he got an injunction banning Tesco from selling his products in future – and ordering them to clear their shelves of any existing stock. Result!!!!!

Mr Chase, have you ever thought of going into politics?


Tesco free produce from Tyrrells

But 'Call-me-Dave', what about us Scousers?

Fresh from his shameful ‘I feel your marginalised anger tour’ of Scotland, I am expecting Call-me-Dave to make his way over to my part of the world to empathise with our stereotypical scousical alienation. No doubt he’ll be wearing a shell suit, a curly wig, a big moustache, and be telling everyone to "calm down, calm down or I’ll give yer all a Kirkby Kiss"….

Once here, I first expect Dave to sign on the dole, go to the pub for 15 pints of super strength lager – and then meander down to the banks of the River Mersey to make a rousing speech from the balcony of the Liver Building. There to tell the whole world how fed up he is seeing scally scousers always appearing on ‘The Bill’ robbing cars, burgling houses and gee bee aitching pissed Scotsmen on the streets of Sun Hill…..

So Dave, when can we expect a visit so you can empathise with our anger….. I’ve got a couple of stones of crack we can smoke - so should I put the kettle on and go and rob some Jammy Dodgers from the local Spar then?

Despotic typecasting-ium…

The brand spanking new BBC epic about ancient Rome is on the telly soon. Great! I’ve seen the trailers – the all-round fiddler and arsonistic head-the-ballium, Emperor Nero is central to the production. Hedonistic pleasure, appalling cruelty and bizarre pronouncements are cornerstones to Nero’s reign of terror...... (Hmmmmm, sounds a bit familiar, don't you think?)

I’ve noticed that the actor playing the despot Nero is non other than former Mr Kate Beckinsale - Michael Sheen

Sheen is making a speciality out of playing despotic nutcases. Not only has he played madman Nero, but also the much more madder man, Tony ‘Caligula’ Blair on TV in ‘The Deal’ and also in the forthcoming movie about Queen Brenda called ‘The Queen’ , (starring Helen Mirren in the title role)…….

Michael - a word of advice to you. If you don’t stop playing power-mad freak-a-zoids you’re going to get typecast. Yesterday it was Blair, today it’s Nero, tomorrow it could be Joe Stalin or even……

"OK, this film about Adolf Hitler, we need some pathos, sentimental Eva Braun moments and lots of psychotic insanity of a man truly on the edge of total madness, invading countries, curtailing civil rights, delivering hysterical speeches etc …… Get me that guy that played Emperor Blair and Prime Minister Nero - you know, Mr Kate Beckinsale"…….

Dear Mr Brown,

I noticed today during your ever so impassioned pleading in your ever so British speech highlighting just how Scotland and England were stronger, confidentier, equalier, virilier, andymurrayier and even sexier (in a suzzy and suspenders way) as a lovee dovee married couple - and not as bickering divorcees. You spat, you glottaled, you damn near exploded in a red, white and blue fountain of invective. Such was your conviction that this little Jimmy Gemstone spewed from your gob –

"And as Scotland prepares for the third Elections to its Scottish Parliament, I believe the people of Scotland will see the positive case for us stronger together weaker apart. A Britain founded on both the devolution of power but also on a partnership which brings us stability, co-operation and mutual support is the best way of expressing the aspirations of the Scottish and British people".

OK, Gordon, mate. Firstly, 85% of the UK population are not the beneficiaries of a Britain founded on the devolution of power – they are, surprise surprise, the people of England.

Secondly "aspirations of the British and Scottish people" - Gordon, last time I looked, Scottish people are British people………. Or, was that a McFreudian slip? – did you mean, ‘Scottish and English people?’…..

Now, Gordon, if you’re going to grab the reins of power and the keys to the whisky cupboard in number 10, you really are going to have to clean your act up and learn to say ‘the word’. I suggest repeating this every night before you turn in. English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English…….

More drug fascism.....

"The High Court heard on Thursday the drug had not been approved for NHS use in England and Wales......"
Click here for the full story

Betcha I know who'll win……

You’ve got to laugh haven’t you? All those councils up and down the country busily putting together their little proposal folders in the hope they will manage to get the SupaCasino awarded to their neck of the woods. What amazes me is they actually seem to think they have a chance of winning.

Two hopes. Bob Hope and no hope. They haven’t got a chance. It’s a done deal – it’s going to Prescott’s mate, Philip Anschutz and his Millennium Dome complex. The allegedly impartial Casino Advisory Panel are the people tasked to peruse all the proposals before impartially and inevitably recommending it goes to the Dome. So confident is the American that he will win, he’s nearly finished the casino building within. So, how did he get planning permission for that then?

Naive councils throughout the country should stop wasting our money on futile SupaCasino bid proposals they haven’t a hope of winning. Governments of all persuasions have after all, got ‘form’ in fixing previous ‘free and fair’ public competitions……..

Remember how the Dome itself came into being? – It was the supposed winner of a National competition to choose a place within the UK to build a celebration of the coming new Millennium. After much presenting from the provinces – it was given to a polluted site in Greenwich…. It cost millions to clean it up and zillions from the Lottery Fund to pay for this biggest of big fat white elephants. As former Tory minister, David Mellor said at the time of the award "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Greenwich"…… And so it was.

Leap forward a few years and the competition to decide where the brand spanking new English national football stadium should go. A good few English cities had a go, including Newcastle, Manchester, Birmingham …. and London, in the form of Wembley Stadium.

The proposals were duly lodged with the Department of Culture’s pet quango. They perused and mused, umm’d and arr’d, before announcing their winner. Amazingly, they announced that Manchester had won the prize. Equally amazingly, they said that Wembley’s bid was the worse of all. Wembley actually came last. Last.

Bizarrely, the quango then criticised Manchester’s bid – and suggested they clarify a few points – as winners, they would have to resubmit with the necessary amendments. Outrageously, as the very worse bid, Wembley would also be given another chance to get it right the next time.

The writing was on the Manchester Town Hall wall, they must have realised then they would lose in the 2 horse race. After all, Manchester already had the site, already had the motorway links, already had the stadium costed and Manchester was about 20 miles from the very centre of England. Ah yes, but they had a big problem – Manchester wasn’t in London.

Inevitably, Wembley won and inevitably, their solution was 5 times the cost of the Manchester one…. As former Tory minister David Mellor said at the time, "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Wembley"…… And so it was………….

(And so it always is).

Tony Blair – off his trolley.

It happens to them all doesn’t it? They go nuts, succumbing to the deadly Powermad virus. It starts as the ultimate aphrodisiac, with a nice smile and the wearing of the patented power-trousers. It ends with thinning hair, a joke of a wife, toadying to Texicans, speaking to God all the time - and uttering a barrage of utter bollox every single day.

Today’s insane sermon from Mount Blair is about the government taking charge of delinquent kids to stop them doing anti social things before they’ve even done them – in some cases before they have even been born!

Sounds like a bit of the old ‘people profiling’ of the most disadvantaged in our society going on here – but on an industrial scale…… "Now let me see, single Mum called Tracie living on a sink estate, got some tattoos, smokes Park Drive, has a boyfriend called Wayne, watches EastEnders, likes sovereign rings, kebabs and Kylie Minogue….and she’s up the duff with a little Waynette?"

OK, Super', according to our master profiling chart, by the time little Wayne reaches his 15th birthday he's going to be a right little twat...... apparently on the 23 July, 2020 he's going to chuck a brick through old Mrs Tomkins window..... Damage caused includes a really scared cat, ripped chintz curtains, a broken flower vase and the biggest thrill for old Mrs Tomkins since she met that bloke that looked like Steve Harley out of Cockney Rebel in 1978"....

"Blimey, Sarge, there ain't a moment to lose.... Quick, get the Sweeney round to the delivery room right away, this unborn kid needs taking into care!"

BBB (Big Brother Blair), you’re a complete moron. You’re mad, bad and dangerous for us to know you. For God’s sake, go. This is not policy, it’s something you’ve thought up last week while adjusting your trunks aboard the good ship Freebie. And it is shameful.

Tony, maybe your policies should be aimed at trying to fix the social melt down currently bubbling away on sink estates everywhere in the UK. Or perhaps you could find out why the UK has the highest single parent birth rate in Europe – then maybe you and your think tank buddies could devise proper policies to address it instead of chasing meaningless ‘legacy headlines’ to appease your comb-overed vanity.

Party Funding? Why not give them your views?

The powers that be are asking for token feedback from Joe and Jenny Public on the question of Party Funding – before they go ahead and give them a shedload of cash anyway. Hmmmm, now this is a bit of a conundrum (not), do I want our morally bankrupt, fiscally inept political parties to be funded by Jimmy and Janice Taxpayer? Will my humble opinion make any difference to the ultimate outcome?

I think the term I’m groping for is ‘fait accompli’
(English translation: Done up like a kipper, as per usual.)

I knew avoiding cracks on the pavement would work...

OK everyone, time to uncross your fingers, take the four leaf clovers out of your lapel, pack all those lucky horseshoes away and breath a collective sigh of relief, Princess Tony’s back in town.

The fat chumper, John Prescott has been relieved of whatever power he imagined he had.

Mad dog McMad has had his little triangular plastic sign – ‘John Reid – actually in charge while the Princess is away’ taken off Tony’s desk and chucked into the recycling bin.

So, the power mad fundamentalist, slimy war criminal & serial liar once again takes over the helm from the useless fat prat and the Scottish sycophant & part time Glasgow doorman.

Everything’s back to normal then…….

Mel Gibson is dead.......

Today marks the 701st anniversary of the tragic death of Mel Gibson. The great mad maximillian finally met his gruesome end at Smithfields scaffold in old London town. He was executed after being found guilty of distorting the truth, over-acting, having bad hair and being in possession of the worse Scottish accent ever.

During his final speech atop the scaffold, Gibson thanked his Mom, Dad, therapist, drama coach, the Pope, Jesus and especially God. He didn’t blame anyone for his capture – apart from the English, all Englishmen, anyone from England, all the people living in England and Mike England, the former Welsh centre half footy player. With that, the great antipodean thesp’, drunkard and anti-semite was hung, drawn and quartered.

But even with his body in 4 bits, his guts and dangly bits gently roasting on the nearby fire, the star of Lethal Weapons' 1 to 56 still managed a last desperate gasp. Gibson was heard to shout the word "Freedom" – although some people thought he said "Free Willy" or possibly "Buy one get one free"

We shall never forget him.

Liars….. all of them

Jesus Christ - is anyone out there who will champion the 50 million?

This morning I awoke to hear the news that those nazis at NICE have again been doing their mean minded best to kill off the population of England before our three score years and ten are up.

Two more drugs have joined the ‘sorry, these are not meant for you’ list of lifesaving medicines that people in England are now excluded from being prescribed. Avastin and Erbitux, cutting edge bowel cancer drugs – developed to combat the second biggest cancer killer in Britain are now off limits to 50 million people.

How do I know this when all of the reports I found on the web about the story told of a UK ban? Why, I logged onto the web site of ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ charity. At first it didn’t look too hopeful. I had a look at their press release – this is what it says…

Statement from Hilary Whittaker, Chief Executive, Beating Bowel Cancer on the NICE Final Appraisal Determination on Avastin and Erbitux:

"The decision by NICE not to make these drugs routinely available on the NHS to appropriate patients is a scandal and we strongly urge NICE to reconsider its decision. We are now the only nation in the EU not to offer Avastin and Erbitux to bowel cancer patients in the disease’s advanced stages. Why should patients in the UK be worse off than patients in the rest of Europe?"

Interesting, but just below that press release was an earlier one entitled ‘Welsh patients first in UK to get access to bowel cancer drug on NHS’. I was a bit puzzled at the apparent expansion of the ability of NICE to say ‘no’ to the whole of the UK, and the apparent conflict of information between the 2 press releases - I rang the charity help line.

"Hello, re’ the story about the two bowel cancer drugs being banned, tell me, is it across the whole of the UK – or just England?"

"Oh, well they are available in Wales and Scotland – they are just not available in England"…..

I was gobsmacked. She admitted the information was wrong – and that she would tell Ms Whittaker of the ‘error’….

And that sort of sums it all up really. Even the supposed champions of the afflicted – in this case the ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ charity roll over and spew the lies of Nu Labour as eagerly as any Blairite MP poodle.

I told them they should be absolutely ashamed of the lies – and by not actually taking the tack that everyone in the UK, no, forget that, everyone in Europe except the English were allowed these drugs they had condemned English people to an early death by neglect.

She never said anything. I’ll take that as a ‘yes’…

Temper, temper, temper….

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit frisky, sort of bolshy, like I wanted to start an argument with someone. No one was around, so I just sat there, clicking my heels and getting frustrated. Fortunately, an old friend came to my rescue. Hats off to the good old BBC and their crap reportage…….

They were doing a piece on how, thanks to tuition top up fees it was just so amazingly expensive for the average British student to go to University nowadays. According to the Beeb, it would leave yer typical UK student around 33 grand in the red by the end of their course. It was during the 1 o’clock lunchtime news with Sophie Rayworth. She introduced the item – and I’m watching and waiting for the word. She doesn’t say it. Then she hands over to some boring Johnny who is the BBC extra special correspondent for further education. And still I’m waiting for the word. It doesn’t come. Boring Johnny waves his arms around and waxes lyrical about "students across the UK having to pay top up fees"….. It’s obvious the word, the ‘E’ word ain’t going to be uttered. Not in this piece-to-camera, anyway. Boring Johnny finishes his piece by fixing his beady eye straight into the camera and proclaiming - "And make no mistake, there is no escape whatsoever for the average student in the UK to avoid top up fees"…..

That did it. Boy, was I pissed off. I picked up the phone and hit the menu. I ring the BBC complaints department so often nowadays, the number is on my most rung discount list….

Some Scottish geezer answered. He had an attitude. He sounded like the character David Walliams does on Little Britain – the one who owns a hotel and blows a piccolo a lot. I gassed on about how the report was entirely inaccurate as per BBC usual. I explained how the reporter and Ms Rayworth had singularly failed to actually mention which students from which country this extra financial burden would actually fall on. And also, which nation’s students would get away Scot free (as per bloody usual), so to speak. In short, I remonstrated, the report failed to say that top ups only apply to students in England and Wales and didn’t apply at all to Scottish students ….

Silence.
"Hello, are you still there – are you writing this down?"

He said "So, what’s your point?"

I steamed, then repeated what I had just said.

He then told me I was absolutely wrong, wrong, wrong. He told me that Scottish students not only paid as much as English students for basic tuition fees, but were also liable for the top up fees as well.

I laughed.
I laughed my bleeding head off and called him a daft fantasist.
I laughed until my eyes bled and my diaphragm collapsed into a pile of little elastic bands.
I almost died laughing.

He got ratty. His voice ebbed and flowed. Was I actually talking to David Walliams after all?

There then followed an intellectual toe to toe….
"Is"
"Isn’t"
"Is"
"Isn’t"
"Is"
"Isn’t"
"Is"
"Isn’t"

To break the chain, I shouted, said something insulting about the Scottish Raj, the White Heather Club and Nicky Campbell. I told him he didn’t know his arse from his elbow, demanded his name (which he wouldn’t give me), then he cut me off.

This is war.

Even more health apartheid from 'NICE'....

OK, look all you English people - just be content with a couple of Asprin and a glass of water for cancer, heart disease, diabetes - and now blindness!

Oh yes, those nasty people at NICE are practising their very own brand of health apartheid on the English once more......... But in Scotland - a different story. They see things a lot more clearly thanks to the Barnett cash. The wonder drug 'Macugan' is available to all who need it. Their eyes are worth more than English ones, obviously (they must have better things to look at).

If you're English and going blind then make sure you make friends with a Scotsman. He can read the paper to you when your eyes finally pack up.

Tony Blair’s holiday check list.

Stopped milk check
Stopped newspapers check
Left cat with friends check
Switched water off at stop cock check
Got Passport check
Got hair thickener spray check
Got Prozac for Cherie check
Got altitude sickness pills check
Got spends check
Got gift for Sir Cliff (Shadows greatest hits) check
Briefed Prezza with ‘don’t touch anything’ strategy check
Solved Africa check
Solved Global Warming check
Solved mid east crisis check
Cooking Gordon’s goose pending

Jensen does it for England!

Congratulations to Jensen Button on his first ever F1 win in Hungary. Especially satisfying was the after race interview. Jensen kept on using the banned word ‘England’ (back home in England, my mates in England, etc) – whilst the interviewer resolutely preferred the NuLabour approved word, ‘Britain’….

Mad dog says it’s OK.

John ‘Mad Scottie dog’ Reid, England’s Scottish Home Secretary has said it is now ‘OK’ to talk about ‘immigration’ without being labelled as a middle England racist.

Reid said, "We have to get away from this daft so called politically correct notion that everybody who talks about immigration is somehow a racist"…..

Thanks very much Reidy for declassifying a former NuLabour forbidden word.

However, it rings a bit hollow when it has mostly been the NuLabour spin machine calling everyone and his dog a racist if they have so much as past a comment about the rate of inward immigration. Much of NuLabour’s accusations were aimed at hiding their appalling record over the past 9 years. It is they who have stifled debate, it is they who still have no cohesive idea on what they are doing to manage the issue.

Mad dog, I don’t know about "more debate" – forget the talking, I think we need a cohesive plan of action..

Collect ‘road miles’ with Duggie

Duggie Alexander, the rising star Rajanista Transport Secretary has flexed his muscles. Doug has decided to roll out a road pricing "right across the country"…

Hmmmm, and there’s the conundrum. Does he mean ‘right across the UK’ or does he mean ‘right across England’?….

Although the ‘leaked’ letter waxes loftily about the national need for the scheme, I smell some classic NuLabour vagueness about. My guess is he means just across the nation of England – as transport is a bit of a devolved matter nowadays in the UK. Anyway, the Bill is due to be announced during the Queen’s speech in the Autumn…..

I smell trouble when the ever dependent claque of Scottish Labour MPs troop in to vote for the legislation – especially as north of the border, they may be operating a different system.

Another day, another article about England's raw deal

Every day in every way, the message is spreading wider and wider. England's democratic deficit is apparent to many, many people around the world. However, it appears that the ostriches of the ruling Scottish Raj are too busy to notice - probably until it's too late......

The tipping point is getting closer and closer.......

That fish is oours!

English fishermen in Northumberland are being denied a share of a bumper Mackerel harvest in the North Sea. Apparently, The Scottish Executive have claimed them for Scotland……. The Northumberland fishermen are holding their breaths and waiting for the English Executive to fight on their behalf…. Or you could just sign the petition here.

England - picking up the scraps yet again

Dangerous terrorist elected onto NEC…

Ninja Wolfgang, cunningly disguised as an 82 year old giving secret police plod the body swerve

Walter ‘Gobbo’ Wolfgang, the uber heckler and suspected terrorist heroically and bravely disarmed at last year’s NuLabouremburg Rally has been elected onto the party’s ruling National Executive Committee.

Apparently, he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t open his gob at the meetings. But if he does dare to speak, then he has to agree with Princess Tony. On the other hand, if he happens to disagree, then Messers Knuckles and Crusher will be on hand to beat the crap out of him until he does agree…….

Gordon Brit wins award…

My favourite prudent Chancellor has been named the UK’s most influential disabled person ……. Which was a bit of a surprise to me really, as I didn’t know he suffered from any affliction, aside from his pathetic grasp of English history… (and his crap ability at doing sums)

Bradley Wiggins - commits to the Tour of Britain.

Bradley with bike totty at the launch do

Olympic champ and ace English cyclist, Bradley Wiggins has categorically stated that he's going to compete in this year's Tour of Britain Bike Race.

Interviewed during the do to celebrate the launch of the Tour, Bradley spelt out exactly why he was donning his Spandex and his cycle clips.

Bradley said "This bike race is certainly important for an Englishman. As a sport, we haven't really shone as much as we have now and every year something else comes along - the Tour de France next year, the Olympics and it's never ending.".

Bradley, mate. As a proud Englishman, I think we could shine just a little bit more if we were allowed to compete in the Tour of Britain bike race as Team England. Unfortunately, the fascist bike nazis from British Cycling and the doormats from Sport England just won't let us have our own team.

To celebrate Bradley's 'Im English and proud' persona, he'll be cycling for either the 'Cofidis' or 'Great Britain' team.

Makes you proud to be English eh, Bradley? Oh, and Bradley, mate - until we get our own team in the race - it's not important, it's totally irrelevant (at least to this Englishman).

The fraud Blair’s pregnant pauses.

Another disaster, another opportunity for our glorious leader to practise his acting skills…..

"OK, Tony luv, for this performance, I want pathos, I want pain, I want abject misery….. oh, and throw in a couple of those really long pauses luv. They go down a storm in the USA"….

Tony Blair’s televised statement last night about the appalling massacre in Qana, Lebanon was so sickening. As usual, the troubled staccato delivery was rolled out, Blair, the near weeping leader, with his big doe eyes filling with the salty angst of the world, searching, grasping for words from the Tony Blair lexicon of pain. The pauses grew ever pregnantier, the wistful looks onto a far horizon grew more Braveheart-like. He battled to control the big mass of glottal trembling in his throat. Could he control it, or would he suddenly burst into tears?

Somehow, somehow, our champ of champs managed to pull it off. Tone delivered the eulogy, the little children suffered and died under a 500 lb bomb, precision delivered by an Israeli F16 jet. His bottom lip trembled, the furrowed brow, etched with years of noble sacrifice for the public good aged his youthful good looks by at least another 50 years. Wearily, exhausted and broken, he sighed, his eyes cast down in silent tribute to the fallen youth of Lebanon……… Still, not to worry Tone, cheer up and dry your eyes yer miserable twat – you’ll soon be on your freebie holibobs at Cliff’s mansion in Barbados……..

English people pay the cost – then the price (yet again)

Oh dear, the trend is growing.... another cancer drug denied to English people - even though it’s available right now to every single developed country in the world – (including Wales and Scotland, obviously)…

The drug is Velcade’ – and is used to treat bone cancer. Those really horrible people at ‘NICE’ have put an embargo on the roll out of this drug in England – because it’s going to cost a few bob to buy. Maybe they prefer the tried and trusted (but always futile) old wives method of boiling nettle leaves, painting the mixture onto a toad and burying it up a donkey’s jacksie as the cure for English people to take….

For some reason I was watching ‘The Wright Stuff’ on Channel 5 this morning. Welsh MP and part time underpants internet model, Chris Bryant was guesting – and reviewed the story. He said "It is very interesting that the relevant health services in different parts of the country choose to spend their money on different drug treatments – on diabetic drugs for instance – rather than the latest cancer drugs….. He seemed to think it was a matter of choice – and that the whole of England had chosen diabetic over cancer treatment.

Well I was pretty damned impressed. Not with his analytical and forensic assessment (there was none) – but with his ability to stop himself from laughing his head off while he was actually uttering such facile drivel….

Vain Hain – being a pain again…

Along with the free use of the Westminster sun bed facility, the carefully coiffured hair (specially styled to disguise the boiled egg poking out from the top of his barnet). The tailored suits, styled to camouflage the good living fuller figure of excess, Peter Hain has been splashing out on even more freebies.

Hain, sometimes known as ‘vain’, ‘mad’, ‘tanned’, ‘fat’, ‘narcissistic git’, ‘the mirror man’ and ‘Greasy Pete’ has used a chartered plane to go to a rugby international in Dublin and two motor racing events in Sligo.

The bill, including accommodation costs for the minister and his officials, came to almost £11,000. And guess what – the taxpayer picked up the tab.

When asked why he didn’t use regular flights – and hey, even pay for his own accommodation for a series of sporting events, the Northern Ireland Office said that scheduled flights did not offer the "flexible and efficient travel" which the minister needed to enable him to meet his commitments.

So now you know.

BBC Panorama’s National Homes Swindle..

The second Panorama programme on the National Homes Swindle was on BBC tonight. It was all about how the NHS are selling off the homes of old people in order to pay for their residential care.

Outrageous? Yes.

But would the BBC go off message? Would they highlight this state thievery as being a specifically English phenomenon – and thereby drop Nu Labour right into the sharps box as people wake up to the UK’s health apartheid ? Well they didn’t for the first programme, screened in March – as per usual, the script Nazis at BBC HQ failed to mention that north of Carlisle, everything was Hunky McDory.

But that was then - and this is now, would they tell the whole story rather than just a snippet or two? Don’t panic, rest easy - the BBC have yet again failed to mention this Nu Laboured old people’s health apartheid is England specific. Scotland’s old folk get it all free, thanks to the Barnett funding bonanza…..

Brass neck award of the programme went to Nu Labour’s Health Minister for England, Ivan Lewis. He put on his Tony Blair serious face and spewed out these little gems "It wouldn’t be affordable to offer a free system (of residential health care) to everyone" and "Social care is not free to every old person, it isn’t realistic or affordable"……

Errr, Ivan baby, wrong and fraudulently misleading with both those statements there I’m afraid. Just look to the north me old ‘tater for the proof. Up there in that there Scotland, it’s FREE, FREE, FREE residential care ago-go, largesse and Iced buns all round, courtesy of English taxpayers.

Health apartheid, alive and well and living in the UK (apart from those living in English care homes - they're mostly getting fleeced to death).....

Today's itinery......

Today I am going to the RHS flower show at Tatton, Knutsford in Cheshire.

I hope to have a good time, courtesy of my complimentary tickets.

I will however, hope to avoid the following people there –

*Any local MPs taking the opportunity to press the flesh before they go off on their 3 months holiday break.

*Anyone trying to sell me chalet breaks, double glazing or easy composting solutions.

*Supposed TV gardener, Monty Don.

*All of Monty Don’s TV mates (apart from Rachel de Thame, because she is well fit.... even if she has got green fingers)

The Gordon Brown* clan – fraudulently British..

Question: If Gordon Brown* likes to be known as ‘British’ first and ‘British’ second - and his favourite goal was Paul Gascoigne’s against Scotland in Euro ’96. And he loves to read about British history, like the British Magna Carta, the British Bill of Rights and the British footy team’s triumph in 1966……. why do you think each of the 3 times his English wife was about to give birth, he has whizzed her 400 miles up country to a maternity suite in Edinburgh, Scotland?

Answer Oooooh, let me think. In spite of his British offensive (and it has been highly offensive) I reckon he thinks of himself and his kids as Scottish – and his wifey as British. In spite of what he proclaims about his Britishness, to him the very worst misfortune that could befall his family would be to have his kids born Sassenachs.

By insisting his heavily pregnant wife makes the journey northwards to give birth he proves just what a parochial snob he really is. To him, it’s not about getting the best care he can afford for his wife and kids, after all I would think London could outdo anything Edinburgh could offer – it’s all about giving them his idea of birthright….. Not British, definitely not English – just Scottish.

And what’s this obsession with naming his kids after Scottish Brown ancestors – hasn’t his wife Sarah got any input? She might have liked to call them Jason, Jack, Troy or Wayne….

Definition Corner
*Gordon Brown – noun. Repressed Presbyterian prone to wearing hairshirt tartan underpants. Ignorant perception of history – and geography - and economy. Cannot say the word ‘England’ without throwing up. Delusional control freak. Delusional PM in waiting. Delusional, full stop. Number 2 in the Scottish Raj hierarchy. Known to his friends as ‘Dour Git'. Occasional tendency to dribble from the mouth when asked about his Scottish roots.

English NHS patients* getting shafted – shock….

Committee discover 50 odd million being ripped off.
Hewitt expresses shock - and wrings hands! (very condescendingly).
Blair blames Tories for inherited mess....

A health select committee report has called for a review of the existing system of fleecing English NHS patients* ‘til the pips squeak. They say that the pattern of charging English NHS patients* exorbitant car parking fees, premium rate phone charges, eye-watering eye test fees, stomach churning prescription charges and tooth-achingly expensive dental fees is not really fair – even if it is only targeted at the average English NHS patient*…….

The government said it would consider the report carefully, denied the charges were ‘a mess’ (but didn't deny they were racist, exclusionist or that there are two classes of patient within the UK).

Rather ironically, a spokesperson from the Department of Health said "Trusts must not fleece patients unfairly"…..

As opposed to fleecing them fairly?

She should have added "Because our department does that already, especially if they are English"….

The report is welcome, but should it be left to a committee to flag up these most punitive and nationally selective of health taxes? Don’t you just wonder what the majority of English MPs do all day. This appalling health apartheid within the UK has been going on for years – amid barely a murmur from anyone. I’m coming round to thinking that the average English MP is about as radical and firebranded as a barely conscious sheep.

Definition Corner
*English NHS patient – group adj. Sick man of UK (col). Despised by Nu Labour. By-words for exploited population, ripped off, taken for a ride, taxed to the hilt esp by Scottish Raj.

UPDATE - 1:10pm
BBC Lunchtime News manage to report on committee findings without actually using the word 'English' once. More disinformation from the Beeb.....

The Tesco branding enigma – a theory.

Over the years, there has been a lot of attempts by a fair number of fair minded English nationalists including Drew, Debs, John, Gareth, Wonko and others, to persuade Tesco, the high street bully boys to label English produce - as English and not British.

All we want is equality – equal labelling rights for all Tesco produce. If Scottish beef has a Saltire on the label and Welsh Lamb has a dragon on it then it is surely reasonable that English Cheddar Cheese should have a St George’s flag on the wrapper rather than a Union Flag.

Most attempts to get a satisfactory answer from Tesco HQ has been met by a standard rebuttal of stonewallery. "England too big" (yawn), "the English have no national loyalty" (yeah, right), "distribution lines far too complex" (what a laugh)….

Over the last few weeks there has been a some fairly vigorous debate on the English blogosphere as to why Tesco have taken such a bizarre and frankly racist retail position.

A trawl through various blogs gives a really damning indictment of the Tesco intransigence. This extract is typical –
"However, I can confirm that any products which are marked British (with a union flag) and which do not have a (national flag) indicator to state that the source is from Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland are of an English source".

Paula Suttie, Tesco Customer Service

So why do Tesco take such a pettily weird position on their consistent failure to recognise England through a brand flag identity?

For what it’s worth, this is my explanation…

It's not because they are worried that labelling English goods in an equal manner to other British goods would reduce the sales of these products in England.....

It’s not because the English public would fail to ‘buy in’ to the English identity, preferring to think of themselves as British. The English know who they are – and are at ease with that, just look at the flag waving during the recent World Cup.

No, I think the problem lies to the north and west of us. I think the marketeers at Tesco believe produce on sale in Scottish and Welsh stores with a St George’s flag stuck on the front would have a disastrous effect on the sales of those goods in those countries. Scottish and Welsh shoppers would shun identifiably English goods – and choose their own ‘local’ alternative instead. Guaranteed.

Tesco food lines are rolled out to the whole of the UK. Therefore English produce is on sale as far north as Fort William and as west as Milford Haven – to get round the possibility of rejection, they rebrand English goods as ‘British’ – so as not to cause any ‘offence’ to the locals.

And how terrible is that? It’s got nothing to do with pressure from the Government, or falling in behind a EU hidden agenda. It’s all to do with economics – and the perceived losses Tesco believe they might make on 15% of their UK turnover. Think the theory might be far fetched? Then just remember what happened a few weeks ago during the world cup.

So, to conclude with my theory, the only reason Tesco do not have an English flag on their English produce is to solve their perceived belief that to do so would inflame the in-built bigoted beliefs of their Scottish and Welsh customers.

Tesco believe that selling English produce with a St George's flag on it would bring about a catastrophic rejection of overtly English produce within the stores in those countries. And as most of the Tesco own label lines are of English origin, this would provoke a huge downturn in sales in both Scotland and Wales Tesco stores.

Discuss

PMQs – Geoff Cox MP asks about protectionism, Scottish Executive style…..

Yesterday, Geoffrey Cox, Tory MP for Torridge and West Devon stood up in the House and asked Snake-oil Blair a question…..

I must admit, I wasn’t really listening – every week is the same. I turn on the telly, all enthusiastic-like to watch Prime Minister’s Questiontime…… but after the first three questions – and Blair’s evasive waffling, I sort of go a bit glassy eyed. Intellectualism and open mindedness have usually been blown away by ten past twelve, by which time I want to smash Blair’s face in again…..

It took Geoffrey Cox to wake me from my state of pathological hatred.

Mr Cox got his question in fairly late in the allotted half-hour: and it went something like this. He asked the PM about a tender for a Scottish Fisheries Protection boat won by a local firm. Apparently, Appledore’s, a shipyard in his SW constituency had originally won the contract fair & square from the Scottish Executive.

And then, all of a sudden, they lost it. Just like that.

Mr Cox hinted that the contract had been withdrawn for purely political reasons and placed "somewhere else"…. The thing that really got to me was that Cox didn’t actually say where the contract had gone to…..

My ears pricked up. While Blair was waffling some facile verbage-stream bollocks answer to Cox about God knows what, I was already tapping in ‘Appledore Scottish Fisheries Scandal’ into Google…..

I had to find out exactly where the boat contract had gone. I wondered which yard, which country had been awarded it by the Scottish Executive…….

And then I found it. No surprises.

Can you guess?…..

Of course! Scotland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Scottish Executive Environmental Minister, Ross Finnie, the contract was withdrawn from Appledore the same day as it was awarded – and eventually re-awarded to Ferguson’s shipyard in Port Glasgow who were incidentally one of the original tendering companies who failed first time round.

Even though strict EU rules state that the Scottish Executive should select the cheapest quote. Even though Appledore of SW England were the cheapest. Even though they were awarded the contract – it was still withdrawn after Finnie sort of cried "foul" - and given to a Scottish yard.

Consequently, Appledore are in it right up to their necks. Workers have been laid off – their yard is empty. They are currently suing the Scottish Executive for £10 million.

I reckon this is the tip of a protectionist iceberg.

The Scottish Executive – protectionist, parochial, pathetic.

The sooner we’re shot of them the better.

Scotland - a nuke free zone (obviously)

Welcome to England - the new NUKE central.....

Inevitably, Scottish Raj inner sporran members, Blair and Darling have excused Scotland from having any of those nasty Nuclear Power Stations from being planted on their soil....

This is a bloody outrage. This country is becoming the fag ashtray of the Union. And if this is the way 'we all act together for the common good' - then I want out - RIGHT NOW!

Freedom for England - NOW.

Mad dog climbs down on regionalising the old Bill....

Craggy Rajanista, John 'Mad Scottie Dog' Reid, the man in someone else's Home, Secretary, is to chuck the towel in tomorrow regarding the regionalisation of England & Wales police forces. What's the Scottish equivalent of eating humble pie? But maybe not. I bet Johnny blames his predecessor for the mess - the man who shops at Oxfam......

"Et tu Charlie?"
I bet former Home Sec' Charles Clarke, is not going to be pleased. His brooding presence has been stomping around the corridors of Westminster just waiting to get some revenge on Reid and Blair. I reckon Chaz will shortly be blowing his high blood pressured top........ Every day, in every way, I think this Government is in terminal meltdown. More and more disaffected back benchers and former Ministers queuing up to stick the knife into Emperor Tony....

I feel a Geoffrey Howe moment could be on its way......

The law is the law isn't it?

My mate Ron threw this little conundrum in my direction last night at the Blood Tub pub…. Last Friday, 7/7/06 was the first anniversary of the London bombings. During all the tributes, the silent contemplation and the remembering of fallen colleagues, all the names of the dead were read out one by one in a solemn ceremony of tribute. Ron watched it – and wondered when the riot squad would turn up to arrest the people reciting the deceased roll call – as they had committed a serious offence….

I scoffed, "What are you going on about?"….

"Well", said Ron. "It’s happened before, hasn’t it? Remember Autumn last year, Maya Evans was prosecuted for standing by the Cenotaph in Whitehall with a piece of paper in her hand."….

Apparently, Ms Evans had dangerously and recklessly broken the law by reading out names of dead British soldiers killed in an illegal war instigated by Blair and his pal from over the pond. Inevitably, the heavy mob turned up and arrested her. She was found guilty of breaching Section 132 of the Serious Organised Crime and Police Act.

Miss Evans said after sentencing – "I do not agree with the Act. I just think it's a shame that you can't voice your freedom of speech in this country any more and it is illegal to hold a remembrance ceremony for the dead."

Apparently not – Maya, next time you feel like acting like a laureate yobbo, just remember to make sure you invite Sir Ian Blair and Ken Livingstone to the ceremony….

Sunday was a patriotic day….

Drove down to Derby on Sunday morning for a meet with fellow English patriots. People from all walks of life, different backgrounds and social circles all united in one unerring belief – it’s time for a Parliament for England.

The publication of the Mori poll helped of course. Real optimism coursed through the collected fellowship. For once, I really have started to believe that maybe, just maybe a kind of ‘Solidarity’ movement may be stirring – a sort of tipping point might be on the horizon. And if it happens, there’s not a damn thing those snake oil salesmen at Westminster can do about it……

Number crunching on that English Parliament MORI poll…

During a discussion session on Sunday with some fellow English patriots, this interesting fact sort of came out of the ether…

According to the poll, In response to a more detailed question, explaining that Scottish and Welsh MPs were voting on purely English issues in Westminster, 41 per cent said they favoured an English Parliament 'with similar law-making powers to the Scottish Parliament’….

Interestingly, Ipsos MORI's head of political research, Mark Gill, said. The poll was particularly significant, because 'when the public are told that under the current arrangements Scottish and Welsh MPs can vote on England-only matters, support for an English Parliament rises considerably'. Looks like the smoke and mirrors strategy is going belly up, Tone!

Back to the numbers game -41% of English people favouring an English Parliament!… That’s just 3% shy of the 44% of the Scottish population who voted for Scottish devolution in 1997.

And let’s just remember why Princess Tony gave Scotland a referendum in the first place – "there is a real demand for a devolved government in Scotland".

Tony, some hot news for you. Apparently, there is a real demand for an ENGLISH PARLIAMENT in England to govern English people – without having busy body North British men shoving their noses in. Get the referendum sorted – right bloody now…..

John Prescott: The good, the bad and the ugly…..

The Good?

Good riddance to the most useless barrel of buffalo lard this side of the Rio Ferdinand. It cannot be long now before the ’Crappola Kid’ aka Junket Johnny, ‘Lardy-arse Larry’, 'Two Wagons' and John ‘thick as a brick’ Prescott’ is finally run right outta town by a media posse – and a couple of blogging bounty men.

The Bad?

The baddest, saddest, maddest hombre in all the west is not wanted by anyone, anywhere, anymore. The Crappola Kid is about as popular as a dose of clap from Laramie Lill’s ‘Finetime Saloon & Emporium for Fallen Ladies’ in Tombstone, Arizona...... (Notice, no jokes concerning his 'Little, Little Horn').....

The Ugly?

The ugly truth is that the Crappola Kid is way past freebie drinking in the last chance saloon. The last hurrah, the last round up, the complementary sasparella quota and the free correspondence course - 'How to speak English in only 67 years' are gone forever. He’s headed straight for the gunfight in the sky at the KO corral – ‘Boot Hill is beckoning… His gold rush is over.

The bombastic deputy sheriff is about to be replaced by the doormat - ‘Mild Dave Milliband’, the rootenest, tootenest member of the young-gun Blair gang is set to take control of the golden Stetson while Boss Blair is on the freebie holiday trail in August….

Meanwhile a lynching is taking place at high noon - or as soon as we find a rope thick enough to support the weight of a ton of blubber……

Tony Blair fesses up.....

I had to laugh watching Princess Tony’s confession yesterday to the Commons liaison committee. It turns out he and his so-called government don't have a policy on population in the UK of any kind. Yeah, that’s right, I laughed in a wearisome, ‘we are ruled by a moronic toe rag claque of vacuous cretins' sort of way, as our glorious leader went into his standard fallback position of righteous indignation and turbo hand gesturing mode – trying to defend another catastrophic failure of public duty.

We must be the only western country in the world that doesn't have a policy on population - and shame on them for that. But I don't expect anyone was too surprised - this bloody shower of duffers couldn't shut a barn door – before… or even after the three-legged pantomime horse has limped off.

And yet we hear about 'sustainable development this' and ‘sustainable growth that' as some government lackey stands up and announces yet another million new house building initiative to go on some cunningly coined 'Gateway' area of countryside in the South East of England.

Sustainability is only achievable if you have a strategic bigger picture in mind and are aware of the limits of that bigger picture. In the case of England, you are never further than 72 miles from the coast – Or else, sustainability can only be achieved via a never-ending series of Gateway sites in a country that goes on forever. We appear to have neither.

This Nu Labour project breezed to power in 1997 in a Nu Wave of Nu Order optimism. One of the cornerstones of their manifesto was to decentralise. Take the heat out of the South East, spread the public offices of State and the private economic cash cow all around the country – for everyone’s benefit.

Well, surprise, surprise, that commitment soon foundered along with all the other pie in the sky waffle speel from the 1997 manifesto. Good intentions got stuck in a traffic jam on the road to hell. The back of a fag packet strategy, cheap headlines for tomorrow’s chip papers fed to a supine BBC became Princess Tony’s preferred modus operandi. Policy pronouncements on the hoof – travelling light with his six pack of spin doctors, a bullet-proof limo, a bumper can of volume hair spray and a speech writer head hunted from The Shopping Channel is the norm nowadays. Long term planning: responsible, non party political government became a distant memory as Tony chased ever more sensational headlines - and showcased ever more short term psycho babble .....and called it ‘Policy’

Long term responsible policies, you know the stuff that doesn’t grab the headlines has been left until it ceases to be long term – and because of Nu Labour dithering falls into the medium and short term policy areas….. only then is it picked up on Blairadar…

Energy, Law & Order, Defence, The Constitution…. and now ‘Population’. All areas of ‘bigger than party politics’ policy simply ignored by this shambles of a Government. I’d have thought ‘population’ would have been right up there in the vanguard of the Nu Labour thought process. England is the 4th most densely populated country on Earth. So if we are to have up to 50 new ‘Gateways’ built on virgin Southern countryside in order to shoehorn millions of new workers in millions of new houses to satisfy the white hot centralisation of the South East service economy, where is the ‘sustainability’?

I want to live in a happy, contented country - not one in which every single public amenity is in calamitous meltdown because it’s a cheapo sticking plaster solution or because some utility or service is being asked to cater for many more people for which it was originally designed. A responsible government is supposed to put the electorate at the top of its agenda and plan for the future in a mature and responsible way…..

Looks like Nu Labour don’t do mature and responsible – they don’t read well on tomorrow’s chip papers.

Scottish survey finds unpalatable truth?

Hmmmm,

*Report finds extreme Scottish Nationalism fuelling anti English sentiment
*SNP voters more likely to be Anglophobic than supporters of other parties.
*High level of anti-Muslim feeling across Scotland.....

Read all about it here

Today is my 53rd birthday.....

I share my birthday with Franz Kafka(123), Ken Russell(79), Tom Stoppard(69) and Tom Cruise(44).

Today my diet is on his holidays.

Today, I shall be going down to the Blood Tub and drinking a lot – starting with Adnams ale and ending up on the floor – a complete A to Zzzzzzzzzzzzz of English alery.

I shall be meeting Franz, Ken and the two Toms there – we’ll laugh, tell stories and get pissed on the fruit of Kent. Kafka will be a bit quiet on account of him being completely dead.. (it’ll still be more than we get out of Cruise though)……

Preserved for the Nation …

I had a strange letter through the post the other day – from no less an organisation than The British Library in London. It was a bit of a surprise to say the least – did they want that ‘Famous Five do crack cocaine’ book I borrowed in 1964? No they did not. Phew, relief all round, it’s doing a great job stopping our table from wobbling. No, they were more interested in a web site that me, my wife and our good friends Ed and Pete had recently put together and uploaded. It’s an English Nationalist site and has been up for little more than a couple of months.

They’ve sent an invitation for the site to participate in their ‘web preservation programme’

The letter states –

‘The British Library is a founding member of the UK Web Archiving Consortium consisting of The British Library, JISC, The National Archives, The National Library of Scotland, The National Library of Wales and The Wellcome Library.

The British Library would like to invite you to participate in this pilot project by archiving your web site under the terms of the appended licence. We select sites to represent aspects of UK documentary heritage, and as a result, they will remain available to researchers in the future. If the pilot is successful the archived copy of your web site will subsequently form part of our permanent collections……….."

Wow, our little English Nationalist site 'representing aspects of UK documentary heritage' ...... abso bloody lutely!!!

I’ve had a look at the archive of sites already collected – and it looks like a pretty exclusive club. I think I feel quite chuffed. Only question is, which section will our site be put in? 'Sad', 'Mad', 'Bad', 'Dangerous to Know' or 'New Labour Bogeymen'....... Who cares, we're in!

Well blimey Moses, who’d have thought it then? Our site preserved for the Nation…. (But not necessarily safe from being sold to a rich Yank).

I expect a Knighthood to be on the way shortly.

A.B.A. (Anyone but Andy)

OK.
Got my Strawberries - check
Got my Cream - check
Got my Chile Flag to wave - check
Got my Chile shirt to wear - check
Got my Spanish/English phrasebook - check
Got my translation of 'Andy, I hate your miserable Anglophobic guts - I hope you lose 6:0, 6:0, 6:0 - and that the oooohhh, aahhhh brigade in the posh seats slow handclap you right out of Wimbledon"". - check......

Come on Nicolas Massu, from Chile - blast the miserable sod off the court!

This guy's got a point......

I thought this email to the Telegraph website today raises a few interesting points about the Scottish psyche...
(and when was the last time you saw a black Scottish footballer or rugby player playing for one of the national teams?)

"The Telegraph refuses to print criticism of anything Scottish, and its correspondents try hard to maintain the English tradition of sucking up wildly to their northern enemy (whatever happened to challenging stereotypes?), a people whose undisguised hatred of their southern benefactor rarely diminshes confidence that insults and abuse will do nothing to alter Scotland's highly favourable financial arrangements with Westminster. Indeed one only has to visit Scots Nats' websites - which claim it is Scots who subsidise the English - to see that everything is never enough where this grasping, implacably hostile neighbour is concerned. Scots run our government. By common consent they are 'influential' in running the state broadcasting corporation. At the same time they dislike attention, and are ever careful to maintain the pose of eternal victims, whether it be in public displays of indignation over the corporation's choice of World Cup music or a more general whinge, given prominence at the BBC's website, about 'anglo-centric' bias. But last year this Scottish government quietly closed all Scotland's asylum offices, so our friends from abroad will all be coming to England in future. Then there is the noble multiculturalist agenda of Scottish parliamentarians, vociferously supported in any number of speeches in the House, but which in the thirty years since Viv Anderson became the first Black player to represent England at football has yet to result in a single non-White representative in any national Scottish team sport - football, rugby, athletics etc. Think about it. Join the dots. I know the Telegraph censors will think about it - and then decide this shouldn't be printed."

Posted by Edward Gibson

Della Petch shown a straight red ….

I listened.

From 7 o’clock onwards last night on FiveLive’s footy phone-in radio programme, a couple of socca-jocks were fielding the phone lines. One was rotund, half-Croatian, half-English and half West Brommer Brummy anchorman, Adrian Chiles. The other was fugitive war criminal, habitual liar, plastic Englishman and all round bad egg, Tony ‘Geordie’ Blair.

I listened, hoping that someone, anyone would break through the Maginot line of BBC censorship. Could any English nationalist get through to disturb the fawning, the adulation, the Blair-is-a-God crew from ringing in? Grovelling footy questions were on the menu and nothing else…"Tony, I think you’re a brilliant kinda guy and that you should be our manager…. And our top striker…. And our goalie"

It sort of smelled a bit like another NuLabour rentagrovel operation.

Half an hour in, and I’m feeling like puking up. Chiles is creeping like Uriah Heep on a creep mission to the biggest creep in the world. He’s going for a Knighthood – or at least permission to water his garden with a hosepipe…

Chiles is brown-nosing so much, he’s reached the small intestine. Tony is smiling, confident in the knowledge that his sketchy footy knowledge can out do any hand picked grovelling phone innerer…..

The thoughts of Tone began to expand. ’Operation Earnest Guy’ kicked in…. "Look, I think that everyone in the You Kay should support England – I mean, if Scotland had got to the World Cup Finals, then I would have no problem in supporting them – and I know most people in England would support them also"…..

Sorry, did I just hear right? Scotch Tony. ‘Jocky’ Blair would support Scotland if they reached the Dubbya Cee Effs?…. Is this man totally mad? Worse still, does he think we're all a few chips short of a haggis butty or what?

And that’s the wonder of Tony Blair isn’t it?– He’s left his Edinburgh birthplace, his posh Scottish school and his orthodox Scottish Christian upbringing behind…… and reinvented himself. Posh Jocky Tone is now Streetwise Geordie Tone, brought up in a Gateshead sink estate, smawwkin’ Woodbines by the time he was 10 and worshipping W’or Jackie Milburn from the Gallagher End in the baggy shorted glory years….

The hour is almost up, jock-jocky Tone is fielding footy mundanity with consummate ease. There is just 5 minutes to go and no one has yet broken through the offside trap ….

Or have they?

Adrian Chiles, coming up for air and removing an appendix from his throat, Brummily drones into the mike….. "And now we have err, ‘Della Petch’ on the line, she wants to ask a question about England, Prime Minister"….

Della Petch is on the line! Petchy has managed to ghost through on the blind side like a dead George Best – and now she’s here, right in front of goal.

I punch the air. Della ‘bite yer legs’ Petch is about to unleash a goal-bound shot…..

Chopper Petch opened up - "Why is the Prime Minister supporting England when he’s doing his utmost to turn England into a group of Euro-regions"…..

Poacher Petch had scored a beauty. It flew from her fabled right foot and nestled into the top corner of the net. 1 – 0 to the 50 million I think! For a few seconds, the ordinary kinda guy did a passable impression of a fish…. ‘Ordinary kinda guy’ noises sorta flopped out of him. Was he appealing for handball, a two footed tackle, or even worse, a bit of independent thinking?

Just then, Chiles, the basket-case in the black whipped out his red card. Petch was sent for an early bath…….. "ooooooh ‘eck, let’s move onto Cherie from London"…..

And so ended Blair’s fraternisation with the footy phone in……
Next week, Tony tries his hand at gardening with Monty Don…

Tony Blair - footy pundit

W'or Tony Blair, ordinary kinda guy, secret Scotsman, Newcastle fan, war criminal, serial liar, free holiday blagger and now footy pundit will be hosting Radio FiveLive's footy phone in programme, 606 from 7pm onwards tonight.

He is expecting lots of calls from footy fans about the world cup - but maybe, you could change your question from a sporting one to a political one once on air in order to get past the researcher vetting.....

Info about the prog -
here

Expect to see the magic sponge on numerous occassions......

Pitchside footy report from Des Frankly

Good evening footy fans, Des Frankly, footy pundit here reporting live from Munchen..... Isn't the World Cup just great? It's the biggest global television event in existence. It dwarfs the Olympics into a very poor second place, the opening game was watched by a worldwide audience of nearly 2 billion people - that's not far off a third of the world's population. Football is the beautiful game - it's also the global communicator - who'd have thought that the severed head of an enemy and two coats of mail could grow and blossom into the global phenomenon it is today....

I've enjoyed pretty much all the games, apart from Brazil v Croatia. The game itself was OK(ish) - but the commentary from creeping John Motson and gushing Mark Lawrenson was just nauseating. Brazil are a good team - but they ain't a great team, Ronaldo and Ronaldhinio are both bloody ugly and their two full backs, Roberto Carlos & Kafu have a collective age of over 70 years.

Motson was having orgasms, Lawro was swooning as some guy in yellow did a bit of playground standard keepy-uppy. Brazil are not invincible, they are old and crusty - for that matter so is Motson. All he seems to do is "oooooooh" and "aaahhhhhh" at every opportunity. He routinely misses the action, gives loads of rubbish info and generally waffles for England.

The team that have most impressed me is the Czech Republic. It was a triumph of footy over sacca as they absolutely murdered the USA pilgrims with a sparkling display of skill and creativity.

Karel Bruckner, the Czech team manager is a brilliant coach and master tactician. He's had the job for years and always sets his teams up to play fast flowing creative football. His resources are limited - virtually all the Czech team are overseas playing for other continental clubs, so bonding sessions, get togethers and golf days are unheard of. But what is most amazing is Bruckner's salary. He gets a rather pathetic 65 grand a year from the Czech football federation. Sven Gormless Errikson on the other hand is paid around that much for one 'working' week. Bruckner has forgotten more about football than Sven will ever know. But not only that, he's a real rarity in footy world – talented, loyal, honourable - and not very greedy either.

The cross of St Gordon……

This Opinion’ article by Chris Deerin in yesterday’s Scotsman on Sunday’ sums up beautifully Gordon Brown’s dilemma…..

As SNP boss, Alex Salmond said in the Commons last week, "Gordon Brown is morphing into an Englishman" .

Well, he’s surely trying to…….

St George – reclaimed apparently….

Watching BBC news 24 today saw a group of Fleet Street’s finest sat round a big walnut table reviewing the Sunday ‘papers. The big topic of conversation was how the whole country going St George’s flag mad…..

Everyone said they knew nothing about football and grinned in that sort of superior grinny way that self-proclaimed intellectuals cultivate to bathroom mirrors. Everyone thought that it was "a good thing" that the flag had been ‘reclaimed from the right’….

Death-rattling Ann Leslie, the crusty old hack from the Daily Mail proclaimed"It’s really great to see the St George’s flag reclaimed from the far right – one wonders just what they (the far right) will be using as a symbol to further their message of hate in the future"….

Hmmmm, now I’m no Fleet Street hot shot Ann, but I reckon they just might turn to the Union flag……. Or maybe they already have? Maybe the hint is in the name of a typically far right organisation. For instance, I wonder what the ‘B’ in BNP actually stands for?

Taliban Tam….

"Come on you Mullahs!!!"...

I’m not going to the World Cup this year….. but I know a man who is. Unlike me, I can’t afford to go - but he’s over there courtesy of BBC licence money. Unlike me, he hates England with a passion. Unlike me, he wants England to lose – at every opportunity. Unlike me, he’ll support ‘anyone but England’…..

His name? Nicky Campbell, aka ‘Taliban Tam’, aka BBC FiveLive ‘Breakfast Show’ anchor and occasional ‘Watchdog’ presenter on TV. Campbell has quite openly professed to really not liking England at all – in fact just before the last World Cup, TT proclaimed to a largely English audience that if England were playing a Taliban XI, then he would be forced to support the mullahs……

Obviously, it was all ‘said in jest’.

Obviously, English people are supposed to take the insult in good heart – as all part of the love hate relationship with ourselves and the jocks (or Republican Irish in his case).

Obviously, I wrote to his BBC producer to complain about how a man who despises the only Home country to reach the World Cup Finals should be going over to the tournament in the first place – twice.

Obviously, he totally ignored me – twice.

Obviously, I have complained to BBC Head Honcho, Michael Grade.

Obviously, in around 6 months time I’ll get a standard ‘sod off’ letter from some poxy BBC office ‘Standard Bullshit Reply Division’…..

Chavtastic!!!!!!

Chav Towers, chav Son (with new chav name of) ‘Tyson’ and ‘Bling’ the wonder dog.

Alfie has finally chucked out the sophisticated high art pictures of the ‘Green Chinese Lady’ and the ‘Dancing Gypsy’ for a change of image. The façade of sophistication has been well and truly binned, forever (or more likely until the World Cup is over)…….

He has decided to go a bit chavvy, in a resolute attempt to upset all those hand wringing journos at The Guardian and the Independent. People like the ugly bird, Janet Street Furniture and Jonathan Barker have been doing their sneering best to rubbish the current red and white love in with the St George’s flag.

So I got this big, big flag, size 9ft x 6ft for the startlingly reasonable price of a penny under a fiver. It is now proudly fixed to the outside of our house – and will remain there until England have won the competition (confident or what?)

‘Bling’ the wonder dog on the lookout for hapless Guardian readers…. GRRRRRR.

If.......... only.

A poem inspired while I was having a solo Kipple.
(Well, everyone likes Kipling, don’t they? Come on now, admit it - there's nothing to be ashamed of. I've yet to meet a man who hasn't done the odd bit of Kipling)….

Becks….
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming the referee,
If you can trust yourself when the opposition goad you,
And make allowance for their diving knavery;
If you can wait and not be riled into fighting black and blue,
Or being spat and gobbed at, so don’t get fazed,
Or being taunted, don't give way and lose your cool,
And yes you still look good, at least from Elton’s gaze

If you can dream of winning - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think positive - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and not Disaster
And understand Sven’s tactics just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by tabloid hacks to make a trap for fools,
So bend the ball into a footy net, broken,
And with the team of England lift the precious jewel

If you can talk with crowds and keep your hair nice,
Or walk with Posh – and not mind if she looks naff,
If neither German foes nor so called friends can hurt you,
Or scheming Argentineans get you an early bath,
If our lads could actually win a penalty shoot out,
And not blow it by leaving the nation glum,
If you can fill the injury time minute
With sixty seconds' worth of celebration run,
Yours is the World - cup and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

COME ON ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!

No shame….

Bandwagon alert as Tony ‘cool Britannia’ Blair and David Donald Cameron have both come over all ‘adjacently patriotic’. Ever anxious to jump onto the latest host ‘must be seen with’ cause, jock boys Tone and Dave have parasitically attached themselves to the banner of St George in the belief that they can garner kudos from an English sporting celebration.

For Call me Dave, it’s yet another opportunity to big up his populist agenda – for Princess Tony it’s a chance to give a body swerve to ‘ChippolattaPrescottgate’, ‘Homeofficegate’ & 'Cashforhonoursgate'....... and who knows, if Becks and the boys should win the World Cup, how galling will it be to be received at Number 10 by two fawning Scotsmen, Princess Blair and Dour git Brown. God, I feel sick just thinking about it.

All we need now is for Ming to declare he is wearing St George’s flag undies and has just had 3 lions tattooed onto his bum and we’ll have a full house of Scotsmen selling their tartan souls for a bit of adoration by association, by osmosis……

Arise, Sir David Beckham………

And then, last night, I strolled into Tesco on a bit of a spying mission. Rumours are they were ‘supporting England’ I could hardly get in courtesy of the simply massive England beer display, St George’s bunting, flags, face-painting….

Shock of shocks, they were even selling products with a St George’s flag on the packaging. Admittedly, they were only bottle openers and chiller bags, but even so, I thought it was simply amazing. You’d have thought that because England is such a complex and huge country, it would be absolutely impossible to do such a thing. I’d have thought it would have brought the entire Tesco empire to its knees, everyone’s arses would drop off, Coronation Street would finish – and the world as we know it will end ……. just like Charlotte, Eve, Linda and Kim from Tesco customer care are always telling us……

6:6:6 – the sign of the beast.

Fellow members of the Dubbya club – I see what you mean regarding the Numpty man, he’s barking, totally barking.

I dipped a toe into Numptyworld over the weekend – I wish I hadn’t bothered. The guy’s a basket case, obsessed with English nationalist sites – and writing such utter bombastic vitriol about them as to be scarcely believable.

In Numptyworld, to disagree is to commit the ultimate sin. Numptyswearing, Numptyranting and Numptyhumptyness is sure to follow……

I wasn’t angry, I sort of felt sorry for him. The cancer of hate is flourishing within, eating him away, a festering boil, fit to burst, .

In the end, it did burst. Numpty’s power of reason, never very strong, or reasoned, finally gave way – and he became a boorish bar room yobbo. Numpty invited me to f**k off – twice.

In the end, I did – I had some interesting white emulsion that I wanted to watch dry (yawn)……

One question he never answered though – in spite of me asking it 4 times. The question was ’Did Numpty hold the same contempt for Mebyon Kernow, Plaid and the Scottish Nationalists as he most obviously does for English Nationalists – or did he regard them as valuable political parties, fighting for their own people in a noble and just cause?

I haven’t provided a link to Numpty and his blog of hate, just as I don't provide links for any other extreme sites - I just don’t see the point.

In Numptyworld, no one can hear you reason…….

Bard toy......

For the Englishman who thinks he has everything.....
there is this classy number

Justice for England – Team Blair sign up…..

Tuesday, May 30th, London, England.
At great expense to the taxpayer, King Tony and his lovely consort, Queen Cherie have broken into their freebie holiday in Tuscany, grabbed a passing ‘plane from the Queen’s Flight and flown back to grey old Blighty to publicly support the Justice for England campaign. As Queen Cherie so succinctly explained, “It was the least we could do, the cause is just and noble – and anyway, it tops up our ‘Air miles’ portfolio…… by the way, are there any fees for this engagement?”….

With great ceremony, gravitas and bravura, King Tony wafted his hands around a lot, overloaded on pregnant pauses, wiped a tear from his eye and declared that if England were a foreign country then he would be tempted to invade it in order to restore democracy. A journalist politely pointed out that as he was in fact a Scot, England was therefore a country foreign to him. He had therefore already invaded and occupied – along with the rest of the Scottish Rajanistas, but had singularly failed to restore any sort of democracy - except for the undemocratic kind.

King Tony flatly denied he was a Scot “Och nooo, Jimmy. I can absolutely say with utter Anglo Saxon absolution that I am not a Scot, just an ordinary kinda English guy….Why, even now I can remember hearing the sound of Bow Bells ringing from the Newcastle Town Hall when I was born. Pearly Kings, whelks, jellied haggis……. I’m a true cockernee-geordie sparrer-magpie geezer and no mistake, gavnor. Gor blimey I can still remember my childhood baggy-shorted England football heroes striding out on the green, black and white sward of Wembley - Stanley Matthews, Tommy Lawton, ‘W’or’ Jocky Wilson, Prezza the midfield terrier, Mel Gibson, Wee Willie Wallace, Jackie & Bobby Krankie, Lobby Ludd, Robbie Fowler…..er, Nobbie Burns…. Bobby Bruce …. and that great Newcastle United forward line of Charles, Rennie and McIntosh…. Poetry in motion…. Away the lads and all that!”..…..

Unfortunately for the campaign coffers, King Tony, citizen number 1 declined to divvy up the necessary coinage for the ribbons - giving the excuse that he’d left his purse on a balcony in a Tuscany villa. Cherie couldn’t help either – she never discusses money, only fees. By way of a diversionary tactic, Queen Cherie, citizen number 2 suddenly declared that everyone should pray for England. With great aplomb, and showing rare resolve in managing for once not to look like a corpse, Queen Cherie put her hands together and said “Repeat after me…….

God help England”…..

Amen to that, Missus.

Billy Bragg meets a hand wringer….

My mate John went to a B.B. gig in Manchester recently. In between songs, during one of his little political speechettes, Billy got hold of a St George’s Flag and held it aloft. He told the audience how important it was to celebrate the forthcoming St George’s Day, toast the country’s Saint, celebrate Englishness – and generally have a good time. He also said that if everyone in England took ownership of the flag, it would be safeguarded from any hijacking from the far right.

Just then, a woman from the audience stood up and shouted "But Billy, I cannot accept the St George’s Flag……. It’s just too ‘white’. There’s no black or brown on it"……

Bragg, thought for a moment and screamed…. "For f*cks sake, do you see what I’m up against"…

Bill, I really, really do.

Who’d have thought it…

You know, I just never thought I’d see the headline, ‘Fat, lazy, incompetent, small willied dullard DPM knows the rules of croquet - shock’

In defence of the patriotic white van man…..

I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed a bit of a journalistic vendetta lately against drivers of white vans sporting those little St George’s flags out of their windows. Readers of the Guardian will know that their reporters have been condescendingly rubbishing White van man, Mondeo Man and VW man – any damn man with a car, a window and a St George’s flag sticking out of it for weeks now. Independent guest columnist, Janet Street Porter has also been pouring particular vitriol upon WVM and their flag waving brethren. I doubt these pampered illiberal liberals have ever met any 'white van men' – save for the bloke struggling into their home-counties houses carrying a new freezer. I myself only know one – he wears the regulation WVM white T-shirt, he has a shaven head, he has tattoos on his arms and a flag dangling out of his van window – as well as a a St George’s flag air freshener. He also happens to be a member of Mensa. Does that therefore mean all white van men have an IQ of over 150? Do you think he should paint his white van to 'grey matter' colour?

And that’s the nub really. Fascists like Brooker, Harker and the woman who can open bin lids with her teeth are content to earn their crusts rolling out clichés by the bucket load. Sneering elitism from a liberal cabal, worried that those below stairs may be getting just a little bit uppity by publicly expressing an afinity. Why do they appear to have such a big problem with the manifestation of a specifically English nationalism? Why do they ALWAYS equate it to low brow Neanderthal behaviour, knuckle draggers and divs? Why cannot we be allowed to celebrate OUR own national identity like everyone else does without some liberal Islington bigot from the Guardian crying 'far right'?

If a man in a white van sticks a flag out of his van window - big deal, it's his business and no one else's, ain't it?. It's his decision alone. My advice to the Indy and Guardian hand wringing brigade, why don’t you just mind your own bleeding business, or better still, why don’t you fly off to the USA for the duration. You will find ‘old glory’ flying from most public buildings, in every single classroom and on a hell of a lot of American lawns….. but Janet, if you do go there, don’t diss their flag, they’ll lock you up for it.

Do you think Brooker, Street Porter and co will be writing such hand-wringing articles just prior to 2012 - London Olympics when the Union flag will be pasted on anything that moves?

Do you think he will be saying we MUST drag the Union flag back from the BNP?

Somehow, I doubt it.

Eeee 'eck there's brass in sleaze tha' knows....

Blimey, looks like it's sleazaamundo overload any day now as Iain and Guido's The Little Red Book of New Labour Sleaze hits the bookshops in the coming week.

Bloggers, united in their common loathing for NuLabour's Caligula Blair, Chippolata Johnny, Mad dog bite yer legs Reidy, and Gordon, the boy with the charisma bypass, have all contributed to the book.... including myself.

And I have to say, it was truly aNuLabour of love writing the pieces....

Anyone interested in getting a copy while it's hot, hot, hot, click the link on the right....

When Alfie met Scilla and Christine…..

Last Thursday, me, myself and my second oldest son cruised the 100 or so miles up a fluid M6 to the noble English town of Penrith, Cumbria.

We breezed all the way up at around 85, it was a bloody perfect warm blue sky evening, hardly any traffic on the road, everyone seemed happy apart from the suicidal insects totalling themselves on my windscreen.

We pulled into the Penrith Rugby Union Club car park at around 7:25 – just five minutes to go to the start of the meet. Walking toward the club-house we looked westward across the pitch, the brooding peaks of the Lake District punctured the sky. Saddleback and Skiddaw, cathedrals in stone dominated the horizon as we stood routed in admiration at this fantastic display. A setting Sun and a palette load of subtle hues seemed to rubber stamp our very reason for being there….. this was England, cradle of the democratic process, giant of culture, research and progress – and it was damn well worth fighting for.

We strolled into the hall, there were about 50 people in there – and I have to be honest, most of them were crusties (and I include myself in that category) which was a little disappointing – where were all the young ‘uns? We sought out the bar, bought a couple of scoops and a raffle ticket - and meandered back to the hall. I greeted Christine Constable, speaker for the English Democrats. We’ve met quite a few times before – and no doubt will be meeting her a lot more in the future as more and more of my time is dedicated to furthering ‘the cause’….. Just then, a woman came up to me and said "Are you Alfie?"

And I was.

Scilla Cullen from the CEP had just introduced herself. She seems a very nice lady – and she was first up with her talk, which was basically about the just cause for an English Parliament. She was then followed by Christine, who gave a more political slant to proceedings and expanded the discussion to other issues including Europe etc.

The BBC was there, doing a report for last Sunday’s Politics Show. Obnoxious reporter, Max ‘hair dye by L’oreal’ Cotton swanned around wearing a beige safari suit with built in designer creasage - honestly, it was straight out of the John Noakes workwear wardrobe. He prowled around, privately rubbishing the arguments here, attempting to belittle us there…… "I mean, if a Scottish Nationalist stood in Chester, would you vote for him?"…… He threw that one to me and my mate Ed whilst he was having a fag break outside…… What the hell did that mean – is he on summat or what?"

Fortunately, we didn’t have to ask him what drugs he might be on - the fittest girl in the entire Universe had just sashayed past us. She had just come out of the adjoining gym and wasn’t so much wearing clothes as parading in spray-on paints…..

Just then, Max had to rush off to attend to something or other, sort of near to where the girl was walking……

Back to politics. The evening was a great success – and I have to say was reasonably reported by Max on Sunday, although I was a little disappointed that the only part of my anatomy to get on the telly was my right foot.

Still, I managed to win a bottle of red wine in the raffle….

And when I came out of the meeting with dusk gathering all around we climbed into the car, a new kind of determination sort of grew out of me. I resolved to double my efforts - to fight for the cause, to shout as loud as I could to let the good folk of England know what is going on in their country…….

It’s the least they deserve.

Democracy - what is it good for?

Lord Falconer is having an invitation only 'public meeting' at the Palace of Westminster today, all about the 'Renewal of Democracy' (whatever that means).....

My spies tell me not all the attendees are quite as 'on-side' as the NuLabour's rentaclack crew might at first believe..... so to speak..... if you see what I mean. Apparently, there are a few brave souls there who are actually going to ask some awkward questions..... Watch out for the heavies boys!

I have a feeling Charlie boy is going to have a surprisingly rough day today.

Priorities…..

Sorry, I’ve been away doing me veg’, planting out me toms, spring onions, lettuce - and having yet another go at growing Fennel – it is definitly ‘Verdant City’ in my humble strip of England at the moment. ….. BTW, we’ve just come into the asparagus season. East of England asparagus is the finest in the world, bar none – and it’s as cheap as chips and as tasty as anything. Get it while you can!

You can just never find an English person when you really want one can you?

Letter to the BBC complaints office…..
‘Talking Politics’, broadcast on Radio 4 - Sat 15 Apr - 11:00.

’I wish to make a very strong complaint regarding this programme. It was discussing devolution and the 'English question'. The show host was Scottish, she talked to Magnus Linklater, a Scottish journalist, then to Mr Campbell Bannerman, Scottish chair of UKIP and finally, Prof Robert Hazell - head of 'The Constitutional Unit'. (Mr Hazell is a Blair poodle, obsessed with driving through NuLabour's vision of English regionalisation - so he spent the entire show rubbishing the prospectus of an English Parliament).

Mr Hazell proceeding to quote research that was years out of date - he affirmed several times that there was absolutely no demand for an English Parliament. He is totally wrong with that statement. Surveys taken in the last 2 years amongst the English population in fact shows a rapidly rising demand for an English Parliament.

Why were there so many Scottish people on, discussing something that is none of their business? Why didn't you have someone on from 'The Campaign for an English Parliament' or Robin Tilbrook, leader of the English Democrats? Or Roger Scruton, well known champion of an English Parliament? Who knows - maybe they weren't Scottish enough?

It just seems so arrogant that the BBC (motto: Nation speaks unto Nation...) should be discussing a nation's destiny WITHOUT any of the representatives of the other side of the argument being invited. Campbell Bannerman is UKIP - so is obsessed with the union, Linklater was as anxious as ever to give a Scottish slant to it - and Hazell - he's merely a mouthpiece of NuLabour.

I always thought that having a debate meant having opinions from ALL SIDES OF THE ARGUMENT, not stuffed with McHomers and yes men....

A SUGGESTION - to redress the balance, why not have a section in this week's programme giving THE OTHER SIDE? Honestly, the sooner the BBC stop being such an emasculated poodle to NuLabour, the better, whatever happened to democratic discussion?’


Reply from Mr Fudge, Waffle Office, Jobsworth Division, BBC –
’I understand you were disappointed with a discussion about an English Parliament on 'Talking Politics' on Radio 4 on 15 April. I note you were unhappy with the number of Scottish people involved in this discussion.

Let me assure you that the BBC remains committed to its policy of impartiality across its entire output and all reporters and presenters are well aware of this. However, I am sure you can appreciate it is not always possible or practical to reflect all the different opinions on a subject within individual programmes. Editors are charged to ensure that, over a reasonable period, they reflect the range of significant views, opinions and trends in their subject area.

I can assure you that the BBC does not seek to denigrate or to promote any view. It seeks rather to identify all significant views, and to test them rigorously and fairly on behalf of the audience. Among other evidence,audience research indicates widespread confidence in the impartiality of the BBC's reporting.

Nevertheless, I appreciate that you feel strongly about this issue. Therefore, I would like to assure you that your e-mail has been registered and has contributed to our daily log which will be made available to the 'Talking Politics' production team and BBC senior management. Comments such as yours can help us in the future’.

Reshuffling (the deck chairs on the Titanic)

Just how happy will Condy Rice be at not meeting the Man of Straw any more over a Lancashire Hot Pot in Blackburn, Lancashire? More to the point, how thrilled will she be when she has to metaphorically share her Airforce 2 bed with new Foreign Secretary and Arthur Scargill's twin sister, Margaret Beckett?.... Jealously is a terrible thing - and as soon as it was known that Jack had a thing going with Condy - and hence just might be more popular with the Bush administration than the Blairy man, his fate was sealed. Who can forget Mo Mowlem's standing ovation at the Labour Party Conference? Blair smiled through gritted teeth as she received a standing ovation. He then calmly gave her the push....... nice.

John Prescott's, lost his marriage, his bit of skirt, his ample supply of OPDM monogrammed underpants, the Governmental truss to keep the heaving Prescott gut in check, the grace & favour supply of Viagra, his marbles - and now he's lost his Minstry Portfolio. Today is a very good day. It could have been much, muchbetter though, unfortunately for us, he's still Deputy PM - so it doesn't mean he's lost Dorneywood, or the fleet of limos, or the Admiralty Arch flat, or the generous pork pie allowance.... and he's still allowed to commit GBH on the English language...

On Wednesday afternoon, Blair declared to the House that 'Chunky Charlie' Clarke was absolutely vital to continue the good work being done at the Home Office. Today he's gone, but not before throwing his toys out of the pram. There you go Charlie, 36 hours is a long time in politics - Indispensible on Wednesday afternoon, kneed in the groin on Friday..... . Chunky Charlie' has now become 'Chippy Charlie' - you'd better watch your back Tone.

His replacement, old Scottish attack dog and closet collector of 'trinkets made from Cannabis resin' John 'Glasgow Kiss' Reid is back bossing the English population as only he can. I smell a Blighty backlash for the new Home Secretary......

'Buff' 'Holiday' Hoon has landed on his feet becoming 'Minister for Europe' - or is he? No one, least of all Buff really knows, but never mind...... Geoff will no doubt be exploring just how he can expand his annual holiday portfolio. Even now he is ringing his calendar - making sure, as a good European that he celebrates every known Saint's day from every single EU country..... Starting on Monday with Poland's little known St Prescottonia, the patron Saint of crap government ministers...... If anyone wants him, Geoff will be found sunning himself at the seaside.

Ruth 'growler' Kelly has gone from Education, replaced by former Trades Union uber-gob, Alan Johnson. Ruth may now have the time to devote to her first love of being a Paul Robeson impersonator........ That old man river, that old man river, he don't say nuthin', he just keeps rollin' along......

'X' marks the spot.......

Tomorrow, I shall be exercising my hard won democratic right to vote in the English local elections. The problem is, who to vote for? Which local busy body is deserving of my precious endorsement?

I've scanned the lists and it looks like wall to wall mediocrity. Grey yes people, prepared to defend the indefensible at all costs. The trouble is, when I look at the candidates, I don't see people espousing local issues, I see duplicitous national politics, I see arrogant gravy trainers, I see Blair and his biblical fundamentalist zeal, I see fat twins Clarke and Prescott sweating for different reasons. I see 'Call me Dave' Cameron reinventing himself from 'Nasty Manifesto Writing Dave' to cuddly, fluffy, 'Call me Green Dave 'cos I've got a pair of green wellies in the boot of my Range Rover Vogue'....

I couldn't vote LibDems, I just couldn't - I don't like Hush Puppies and I don't wear any tank top jumpers........
So it looks like Mr Noneoftheabove' will be given a chance to restore my faith in British politics then.....

Sometimes, the English language just isn’t expansive enough…

Over the holiday weekend I’ve been trying to have a go at a bit of Prescott bashing. It really is a superb subject to wax lyrical about – and the main man himself is a solid gold prattinski if ever I saw one. So constructing a post about a vain, stupid, power mad nutter and his wandering willy should have been a five minute cinch…… Or so I thought. I mean, how hard can it be to describe the sexual athlete that is John ‘groper’ Prescott?....

Well quite hard actually. Every day brought more seediness, more depths of depravity – even the Bishop of Bath and Wells and his red hot poker would have been disgusted…..

Oral sex in the ODPM’s office, gropes in lifts, upskirt thrills, touchy feely Johnny doing what comes naturally to him. With pneumatic regularity, Prescott’s white flabby Gluttonous Maximus has left its pimply sweaty imprint on various bits of departmental office furniture. Thwack, thwack, thwacking on the walnut veneer and intricate leather chase work, french polished surfaces sprayed with various bodily fluids, steamy windows with letters drawn upon ‘J loves himself’ – true. Half mast pinstripe trousers, languishing around swollen sweating ankles and straining sinews that have not seen such stress since Prezza called the school bully a right big nancy boy. Great glottal Hullish expletives resound from the plasterwork as the white elephant wobbles to climax in his Whitehall office…

Nah, that’s rubbish, it reads like something Barbara Cartland on a bad day might have written….

Perhaps only Prezza himself can do justice to his predicament. Yesterday, he was reported to be in a depressed state of mind. He’s worried that all the negative publicity over this past week has made him into a national laughing stock……