The BBC gets thrifty.....

The BBC are currently 2 billion down on their budget. Consequently, they are having to make some fairly radical decisions in order to save a few quid here and a couple of million there. But how can this be? The Beeb have always been skint haven't they - so how could they actually ever be in a position to waste our hard earned moula?

Question 1
How much money does the BBC spend per day on taxis and hire cars?

Is it -
a) £15 including a 3-bob tip to Tommy the cab driver.
b)£145.56p because we cannot expect our celeb' talent to get the bus - and anyway, we have a contract with 'Happy-Cab cab hire, Shepherds Bush'.
c) £12,000 - well, we have to ferry a lot of very important people like Natasha Kaplinski around and Mondeos ain't cheap.
d) £50,000 because it's C-Class Merc turbo-testosterone for us - and anyway, we're far too important to ride in Mondeos.

Question 2.
How much money did the BBC spend on entertaining MPs, hangers-on and media luvvies at this year's Glastonbury festival?

Is it -
a) £28 plus a communal barrel of whacky backy
b) £500 not including a complimentary pint of specially brewed Glastonbury mud beer for each visitor.
c) £20,000 because you just have to create a good impression.
d) £70,000 because it's not our money so we don't really give an Arctic Monkeys.

Question 3.
How many people did the BBC send to cover the 2006 World Cup?

Was it -
a) Motty, Lawro, Hansen, a cameraman and a sound engineer.
b) Motty, Lawro, Hansen and a technical staff of 20.
c) Motty, Lawro, Hansen and a technical staff of 20 plus a back up staff of 30 to make sure everything ran smoothly.
d) Motty, Lawro, Hansen and a technical staff of 20 plus a back up staff of 30 plus over 200 hangers on, ne'r do wells, Motty-mates, P.R. dross, glad-handers and highly paid flotsam.... Plus a batallion of caterers making a grand total of over 300 people*.

*ITV sent 64 people and Sky sent under 50.

Question 4.
Jenny Abramsky, the BBC Director of Audio and Music has amassed, (courtesy of a gold plated BBC pension) a retirement wedge of how much money?

Is it -
a) Hardly anything because, like those in the private sector, Jenny's pension wedge has taken a huge hit from the Chancellor and the markets.
b) A modest amount because unlike the private sector, BBC pensions are a bit more flexible to manage.
c) Not that bad really, through careful husbandry and sensible investment management, Jenny should have a contented old age without too much worry.
d) Kerrrching City! Jenny's pension pot is 3.5 million and climbing fast! And if there is a little blip in the markets - no worries, we can just top-up using the 3 billion plus that the public give the Beeb every year.

Sir Michael Lyons, Chair of the BBC Trust - "What we have to make sure is that the BBC squeeze every penny they can out of every licence-fee pound.

Answers - 1,d). 2,d). 3,d). 4,d)

Call me Nick....

Hi, I'm Nick Cameron, trust me.
Nick Clegg - one of the Machiavellian gang of LibDemmers who have dumped 'The Ming' in a merciless coup is sort of a dead ringer for a young 'Call-me-Dave' don't you think?

Nick, who is expected to become LibDem-Capo after Ming has ritually had his 'Campballs' hacked off and fried before his very eyes, even sounds like Dave - and Dave sounds like Tone - and as everyone knows, Tone likes to think he sounds like God Almighty...

Is this the thickest MP in the House - ever?

Hi! My name's Dawn - and I'm a complete thicko

I know she's got a whole shedful of competition, but I really haven't yet seen anyone from the House act and talk as stupidly as Dawn Primarolo does. She's in a whole dimwitted Beezer-homed league of her own. Every time she appears on the box it's a disaster - she's all the wit and where-with-all of lobotomied deaf comatosed zombie. All the more alarming then to see just how much 'responsibility Ms Primarolo actually has.

Dawn Primarolo - Ministerial Responsibilities
Public health including Regional Public Health Groups, WHO and children's public health; Health improvement national programmes including tobacco and smoking, alcohol, diet and nutrition, physical activity, drugs and drug treatment, obesity, sexual health, accident prevention, abortion, rural health, and deep vein thrombosis; Health inequalities; Food Standards Agency; Health protection, including emergency preparedness, scientific development, pandemic flu, immunisation and international health; Fertility including IVF, Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) and draft Bill (RATE); International and EU business; R&D; Medicines and pharmaceuticals industry including MHRA; NICE; Departmental management


If she's the best on offer then God help the nation's health.

Shock: 'Jerusalem' sung on pitch before last night's rugby spectacle...

Who'd have thought it then? it was simply amazing, wasn't it? There, on the pitch was yer actual big-boned, miked-up operatic singer belting out 'Jerusalem' for all he was worth. The near 80,000 crowd fell silent out of respect - the players' bottom lips collectively quivered as England's unofficial national anthem proved a superb curtain raiser to a titanic struggle of rugby.....

It was great to see - especially when the rendition ended - the crowd erupted into spontaneous applause - and a few tears were wiped away from the cheeks of more than one 18 stone prop-forward. It would have been fantastic to have actually been there don't you think?

"Been where" I hear you ask. You're right, it wasn't Paris and the England-France World Cup semi final - they obviously went with God Save the Queen. No, it was Old Trafford in Manchester and the Rugby League Grand Final between Leeds Rhinos and St Helens.

So, well done to the Rugby League authorities for doing the decent thing and recognising that God Save the Queen is not England's National anthem - and for having the balls to go with Jerusalem as the anthem of choice. The RFU, the FA and the ECB would do well top follow their example.

Alan Titchmarsh - another who doesn't know his Britarse from his England...

Oh dear me. Yet another media bod who gets confused about England and Britain. On today's 'Alan Titchmarsh Show' the great green fingered Yorkshireman introduced his guest Bill Bryson in his capacity as President of the CPRE - the Campaign for the Protection of Rural England.

Now I really do find Titchmarsh to be quite an irritant - he's always going on about Britain and Yorkshire - and then Britain again. I reckon he talks about Britain at least as many times as Great Britain Brown does, and that is simply several hundred times too many. And I seriously wonder about the sanity of this country's women - as apparently, his likeness is the most kissed mannequin in Madame Tussaud's..... There is just no accounting for taste.

Anyway, back to the show - Titchmarsh introduced Bryson as "the President of the Campaign for the Protection of Rural Britain - the CPRE".

Incredible - he just could not utter the 'E' word - even though he gave us the acronym afterwards.

The conversation then meandered along with Titchmarsh subbing 'Britain' in where 'England' should have gone at every opportunity, even though, Bryson's remit is exclusively an English one, he never said a word to correct him.

It's a small, insignificant point - but it illustrates a bigger media agenda - and that is, the obsessional rebranding of England to the population. It has to stop.

England needs her own Haka...

Watching the Rugby Union World Cup on the box, I've been struck by the different Hakas that the participating Polynesian teams like to perform just before kick off. The most famous is the Maori-inspired All Blacks Haka, but the Samoans, Fijians and Tongans also like to get in a bit of cultural intimidation before kick-off.

When Tonga played England last weekend, their version of the Haka, which is called the 'Sipu Tau' is particularly aggressive. They were sort of leaping about only a couple of feet away from the English players, pointing and a-jabbing away into the faces of our boys. Thankfully, the lads are made of finest English beef - and so, with stiff upper lippies standing to attention, they refused to rise to the ritualistic taunting of the Tongans.

But it sort of got me thinking - maybe we should have our own version of the Haka. Then we too can perform in front of our adversaries.... and thereby put the fear of God up them so much, they are beaten before an eyeball can be gouged or a tackle can be flanged.

So what sort of Haka should we have then? Should we whip out the Morris Dancing gear and give them a quick 'Hey-Nonny-Nonny' straight between the eyes? Should we bring a Union Flag with us, so when they start their Haka, we can transfix their captain with the flag staff and claim their islands for the British Empire?..

Probably not.

Then I thought of our history - the version of it that is B.L.L. (Before Lying Labour). Back to the time of Henry V and an epic battle on a foreign field. A battle of courage and daring-do in which the English, outnumbered by a zillion-to-one slaughtered the posh, la-de-dah French on the field of Agincort.

Before the battle, the French has threatened to cut off the first two fingers, (the 'draw' fingers which an archer uses to pull his bow-string) of every English bowman they could find. According to tradition, the English archers heard about this and stood behind their wooden spikes waving their two fingers in the air towards the mounted French Knights. The two fingered salute was born.

It was a taunting insult too far for the French. They charged headlong towards the English line - a gory death and a shattering defeat soon followed as the mighty 'Bodkin' arrowhead propelled by the awesome English long bow did its deadly work...

Yes, I reckon the sight of 15 beefy Englishmen all performing the two fingered salute would do the job just right..... especially against the French.

Jane Tomlinson - cancer hero betrayed (apparently, it's an English thing)....

"Thanks for the fantastic fund raising Jane......
The millions you have made for the NHS will come in really, really handy. All that cash can now go up to Scotland to save cancer patients up there".

"What? You would like to see if this very expensive drug can help save your life?
"Sorry, Jane, expensive new cancer drugs aren't to be wasted on the likes of you - we can obviously only give expensive cancer drugs to those that deserve it - the kind of people who live in Mr Brown's constituency for example"...

Don't ya just love this fantastic United Kingdom of ours?

Union Jack - super-hero

I came across this Marvel Super-hero a few months ago.... 'Union Jack' is his name, fighting crime, righting wrongs and preserving the union is his game.

I wonder what his secret identity is then?... Maybe he's a philanthropist, or perhaps he's a millionaire businessman, or an ace cub reporter.... or even a well known politician?

Between you and me, I reckon Union Jack is really Gordon Brown in disguise - I mean, you never see them in the same room together, do you?

Holy smoke Union Jack, looks like your arch enemies, 'Middle-aged angry bastard' and his diminutive sidekick 'Little Englander' are out to ram some toxic Dundee-Cakeonite up your jacksy...... Kapow!

An anthem for England...

This is my favourite hymn played on my favourite instrument, the Dobro guitar. It is by Ronnie Wood when he was in the Faces - he apparently secretly recorded it and shoved it on the end of the Faces album, 'Long Player'.

I first heard the track years ago when I was a student in the '70's. Since then, it has been one of my very favourite tracks.

When my Dad died in 2005, I wanted to have it playing when his coffin was brought into the Crematorium. Unfortunately, the rest of the family out voted me and went for 'Abide with me' instead.

I've shoved up a few pics to support it - but it is the music, the arrangement, the understated passion I love.

God bless England.

Where is Eric Heffer when you need him?

Eric splits the Conference scene - again......

Watching the Labour Party Conference on the box this week is a bit like watching the occupants of an ants nest. Everyone knows what to do and how to do it. Everyone claps in the right places, laughs at crap jokes from dullard speakers and ecstacises over the most boring of speeches... They even gave Tory defector, Quentin Davies a standing ovation for God's sake. Not a trace of the Awkward Squad of old, not a trace of that tricky resolution tabled to conference delegates and union block votes, no heckling - and certainly no hint of anyone getting 'Wolfganged'...

What would Eric Heffer have made of it all?

Red Eric - an MP from the Socialist satellite of the Liverpool Soviet and his ilk made Labour Conferences of old just superb TV to watch. Hardly a resolution went by without Big Eric, dressed in his trademark light yellow suits, storming out of conference, closely followed by fellow collectivists, Ian Mikardo and Renee Short. If you were lucky, mullet-headed Degsy Hatton and Tony Mulhearn, his co-founder of the Scouse People's Liberation Army would pop up offering to give Dennis Healey a Kirkby Kiss.... And TUC boss, Vic Feather could always be counted on to threaten the immediate walk out of a million workers if the Polaris missile resolution went through... Somewhere along the line, 358 year old Manny Shinwell would be wheeled onto centre stage so that everyone could applaud the oldest MP who ever lived...

And over on the top table, in a haze of smoke sat Harold Wilson, Ray Gunther, Barbara Castle and the rest, puffing away for all they were worth. If it wasn't a pipe, it was Capstan Full Strength - no one had heard of Health and Safety then. Brylcreem, National Health Specs, rolled up sleeves and loosened collars were the fashion statements of the day.... Michael Foot could always be relied on to wear his brand spanking new duffle coat at Conference - and George Brown would drink the free bars dry - and then go on the telly to proclaim that workers of the world should untie.....

It was exciting, it was spontaneous and it was passionate - it was 'must see TV'. In those days it was the Tory Conference which was stage-managed and the Liberal Conference which was uber irrelevant...

But those days have well gone, sharp suits and PR bods infest the floor - and as a consequence it's a boring as a Leonard Cohen gig.

Give me Militant Tendency any day over Brown-nosing tendency.

Beowulf Uncensored Internet Trailer

Hollywood plunders even more English culture...

The epic Anglo Saxon tale of Beowulf is the latest bit of Blighty-culture to be given the American studio makeover treatment. Due for release in November, this computer rendered epic stars Angelina Jolie as Grendel's Mum and Ray 'have a bit of that, you slag' Winstone as Beowulf himself....... Amazing, an English actor actually playing an English hero, whatever next?.....

And who knows, the script might be more than just OK seeing that ace writer and uber blogger, Neil Gaiman has penned the script.....

Being a CGI production, I notice that Mr Winstone's famously flabby sludge-gut has been airbrushed out of existence - to be replaced by a six pack as good as Peter Andre's in his really crap singing days. No prizes for guessing which attributes of Ms Jolie have been enhanced - eat your heart out, Jessica Rabbit, 'twin torpedoes' has just entered the building.....

But what I want to know is how a drop dead gorgeous babe like Grendel's mum could have given birth to the horror show that is the plug ugly Grendel? I mean, Grendel's old man must have been a right old prune - right at the back of the queue when they were giving out faces, I reckon.

So, who was he?

Hmmm, I wonder whether Ms Jolie has ever been on the lash in Hull - I hear no woman is safe from the attentions of the local MP there...

Gordon Brown's latest big idea...

Our beloved leader has announced a
grand competition to come up with a slogan to suitably sum up the You Kay and everything we apparently uniquely stand for. You know the kind of stuff they are talking about - 'tolerance', 'fairness', 'Simon Cowell' and 'the ability to queue'.....

He wants to make people 'proud' to be British again - and is inviting the whole nation to start sucking on their pencils and compose a suitable strapline that will sum up our great nation (yawn) ..

According to the press release, 'every school and public building in the country will be emblazoned with a new "national motto" under Gordon Brown's drive to encourage patriotism and Britishness'......

Call me cynical. but I bet, up there in SNP HQ, (Brown-Baiting Division), they are, even now writing their very own Scottish slogan. That of course will mean the Welsh will want their very own slogan..... ditto, Northern Ireland.

So no guesses as to where the new 'Britain is fab, cos we are, innit' slogan will be rolled out.....

Anyway, as this is a national competition, I thought I should chuck my tuppenny's worth into Gordon's hat...

'Britain - the new name for the English regions'

Part of the Union?

English Democrats AGM and 'In My Heart' conference

Have finally got over the extravaganza that was the English Democrats AGM last weekend at the Leicester Hilton. It was organised by Midlander, David Lane, who did an absolutely superb job - the whole thing ran like clockwork... I helped him out a bit with some of the graphics, backdrops and theming of the event, plus a couple of videos - but the 'In my heart' concept and logo was David's idea.... The effort he put in was just collossal. Well done David.

What really struck me was the quality of the Speakers. Truly excellent. Angus MacNeil, the SNP MP for Na h-Eileanan an Iar turned up, had a coffee with us and then delivered a good speech on Scotland's relationship with England - and the ultimate certainty of our own Parliament. I had a lot of respect for him anyway, as it was he who researched the case of Maundy Gregory and the sale of peerages in the 1920's - and reckoned he could get Levy and Blair for doing the same....

The fact that the whole 'Cash for Honours' investigation failed to commit anyone for trial, I think said more about our Establishment and the special priviledges its members enjoy compared to the rest of us than it did regarding the quality of the case that was submitted to the DPP.....

A special mention should go to Ed Abrams, public speaker par excellence. He did a speech about the Justice for England march on May 1st. Earlier in the day, during a coffee break, Ed wandered over to me and asked if he thought it would be a good idea if at the end of his speech he should shout out the march chant.... "What do we want? Justice for England! When do we want it? NOW! What do we want? An English Parliament! When do we want it? NOW"....

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Pity, I had forgotten just how close my seat in the hall was to one of the 4 foot high speakers. (about 2 yards away, actually).....

I met up with a few fellow patriots - Julien from We are the English, David Wildgoose from the Campaign for an English Parliament, Marcus Stafford from The England Society, Nathan Poole from English Yoof and a couple of speakers from the Steadfast charity....

Intelligent argument was also supplied by Liberal Party Chair Steve Radford, Colin Copus, Senior Lecturer of Local Politics at Brum Uni' and Derek Clark, Ukipper MEP.

The word over coffee was whether there was going to be an election in October.... I hope there isn't, I really do... The prospect of another 5 years of Labour, courtesy of the English voter, of another all new, bright, shiny Tory leader and of Ming telling us he will be doing the job into his nineties really does fill me with utter despair.

Citizens’ juries... More jobs for the quangonistas, commooonitee leadas and the self obsessed..

Hmmm, ‘Citizens’ Juries’ – Gordon Brown’s big new idea to get decision-making down with the people will, I predict, crash and burn as surely as all of the other big ideas that New Labour has bought from the Blue Sky Thinking ‘R’ Us shop.
Gordon Brown said CJs would be rolled out “across the country” – so obviously, obvee-bloody-losely, ’right across the country’ means just England, again.

I’m not against the idea of the common man or woman gathering to decide issues of local and national consequence – but it isn’t a new concept, the Anglo Saxons had them over a thousand years ago. And you just know that their CJ model would have been free of the politics and the spin that accompanies every single decision from New Labour – Citizen’s Juries being no exception.

It’ll just be more talking-shop opportunities for all those local busy bods that so blight our control freaked society. More excessive expense claims, more MBEing, more hot air and more guest appearances on BBC community TV programmes. The usual suspects will vent their spleens, present their recommendations to government - and be totally ignored.

A quick scan of the BBC’s CJ Q’n’A page confirms my worst fears.....

What exactly is a citizens' jury?
A citizens' jury is a group of between 12 and 20 people, chosen to represent the communities from which they come. According to ministers, they will be chosen independently and will not be experts on the topic under discussion, nor members of interest groups. They will be asked to look at real issues, in the same way as a jury does in a courtroom. The idea is to give ordinary people a bigger role in democratic decision making.

(Yeah, but I bet that big woman with the big flowery dresses and the big flowery head gear – the one who runs a kids refuge in London will be on loads of them).

Can people apply to take part on a jury?
According to the prime minister's official spokesman, the selection process will be decided by individual government departments and the organisers of the specific event. However, the idea is that those involved are genuinely representative of their communities.

(Cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, cronies, busy-bodies and that big woman with the big flowery dresses and big flowery head gear...)

What subjects will be under discussion?
Children on Thursday and crime and communities will be the topic for another jury next week, followed by nine simultaneous juries - one for each region - on the NHS. There will also be a nationwide set of juries held on one day to debate issues including: crime and immigration, education, health and transport.

(So, ‘Nine simultaneous juries – one for each region’. Looks like these CJs will be a nice little lifeboat for all those local big-noises that are about to get the boot from the floundering SS Regional Assemblies gravy boat.)

How would they work?
The juries will spend a day, or several days, considering the chosen subject. They will be given facts and figures that have been independently verified and will hear "evidence" from a range of experts. Jurors will then discuss the issues among themselves before reaching a conclusion. Their decisions will be used to help advise ministers on policy.

(And ministers will actually take any notice of their recommendations?).

I’ll give Citizens’ Juries a year, tops - before they are quietly kicked into the long grass and forgotten about – unfortunately, the people like the big woman with the big flowery dresses and the big flowery head gear, will not.

Andrew Marr, the jug eared Scottish prat who wasted 30 minutes of radio time.

God almighty I never thought so many clichés could be shovelled into half an hour of prime time radio. But Andrew Marr’s latest offering, Unmasking the English on Radio 4 really did achieve the impossible. And what’s worse, there are another 3 programmes to go!

Marr was aided by his panel of self-opinionated bigotry in his objective (and objectionable) task of finding out what Englishness was all about. As this programme was an exercise in national disrespect it was a gimme that the Scottish racist and food critic AA (I hate the English) Gill would be on. As this was the BBC, it was also a nailed on cert that multiculturism would have a representative. It did in the form of Anita Anand (first generation British Asian journo). The place of the token indigenous English bloke was obviously filled by an upper class twit famed for his blue blazer, floppy hankie and for using the word ‘ghastly’ a lot. Peter York self-styled style snob with a Prince Charles hair cut and a sneering countenance hewn from a vein of 24 carat Prussian arrogance got the job. (Narrowly beating art critic Brian Sewell and ginger cad, James Hewitt).

And so it went. Andrew declared being English was all about ‘Fat Les’ – it isn’t. Fat Les, Keith Allen was born in Swansea – and the persona of Fat Les is a crude pastiche of football caricature cynically concocted to sell records.

Anita said that being English is all about tolerance, stiff upper lippyness, irony and being rubbish at sport. As if to prove it, the back-room boys at the BBC stereotypical bullshit workshop had compiled a tape of heroic sporting failures... Gareth Southgate’s penalty miss, being spanked by the Aussies at cricket, etc, etc.

Someone piped in that the reason for the English trait of self deprecation was a ruse to hide an innate feeling of superiority..... Everyone else chin rubbed and metaphorically nodded in agreement.

Andrew rolled out a couple of typical English people to sum the whole nation up..... No, not Dick Van Dyke’s excellent and incisive portrayal of a poor cockney chim-chimmering chimney sweep in Mary Poppins. Not Kevin Cosner’s ever so real portrayal of folk hero, Robin Hood – “Goddammit! We have to rescue our bro', Little Jan from the clutches of that asshole, the Sheriff of Nattingham”.... Not even Audrey Hepburn’s remarkable performance as Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady (she was born within the sound of the bells of Brussels Town Hall, you know). No, apparently, yer typical English persona can be summed up by Miss Marple, Agatha Christies amateur sleuth and bumbling buffering Tory, Boris Johnson....(Stands back in stereotypical gobsmacked amazement! I mean they must have spent, ooh, at least fifteen bob on the research, eh?)

York sneered, Anand smugged, Gill hated, and criticised the BBC coffee and curly sandwiches - and Marr kept on telling us how not English he was. “No really, I’m as Scottish as a deep fried Mars bar, Jimmy”...

Robbie Burns versus William Shakespeare it wasn’t.

It wasn’t even the Krankies up against the Telly Tubbies. It was complacent, ill informed radio trash – but as it was all about dissing the English,it was perfectly legitimate, wasn't it?....

Supermarket Sweep...

As it’s Friday and as I haven’t posted anything for a week, I thought I might go for a couple of easy targets today....

Tesco:
During one of my recent spying missions to our local Tesco I noticed a rather strange line just over there by the bargain basement display. On sale was a big box of riding crops for the amazingly reasonable price of £1.84p each. Now I don’t do riding – but I know a bargain when I see one, so I sauntered over all casual-like to have a closer look...

I slid one out of the box and sort of started to thwack it rhythmically against my thigh. The shaft, constructed from finest Chinese plastic felt cool to the touch. The imitation plastic flap flopped from side to side in a provocatively stinging wiggle...... Hmmmm, corporal punishment.... I wonder if Mrs Alfie would be interested?....

“Put it back”. It was my 20 year old Son bringing me back to reality and reminding me we lived in West Lancashire and not Western California. Still, I wonder why they were being sold in our local Tesco? We have no horsey set round our way to speak of – the only horse flesh I was aware of occupied the tins of Kennomeat nearby – and there is no way they can be spanked back into action. Maybe Tesco have seen a gap in the market and have decided to go big on Sadomasochism? Maybe Sir Terry likes to wear women’s undies? Maybe owning a riding crop is now a very British thing to do?

Who knows? But if you want to buy one, then hurry along to your local Tesco – you’ll find them over in the corner, right next to the gimp masks and the furry hand cuffs.

Morrisons:
“Hello, is that the Morrisons Customer Relations”?
“Yes it is, how can we help?”
“Well, can you tell me if you are proud to serve England?”
“Of course we are. We are proud to serve everyone in the UK”.
“No, but are you especially proud to serve England? And are you as proud to serve England as you are to serve Scotland”
“Yes, I suppose we are – why do you ask?”
“Well during the recent e.coli scare at a Morrisons supermarket in Scotland, I saw a TV report about it on the BBC. I couldn’t help noticing that the Reporter was standing outside the store and behind him was a 20 foot sign with a huge Saltire painted on it and the strap line – ‘Morrisons, proud to serve Scotland’.... There were also a couple of internal shots of the supermarket – and the ‘Proud to serve Scotland’ strap was stuck on anything that didn’t actually move”.....
“So if, like you say, you are proud to serve England – and in fact just as proud as you are to serve Scotland, when will you be erecting a big new 20 foot high sign outside my local Morrisons store with a huge St George’s flag and the strapline ‘Morrisons, proud to serve England’.....

“When will you be doing that?.......................... Hello...... Hello.... Is anyone there?”

White Summer by Jimmy Page

Something for the weekend - the best of the best of the best. James Patrick Page... (although I reckon he could have done with an Alice band for his hair).

Book deal wanted - urgent like....

I came third in the Witangemot Awards catagory of a 'Blogger most worthy of a book deal' behind Iain 'swept the board' Dale and the man in a mitre, the Archbish' Cranmer.....

I was dead chuffed - and although I wasn't a winner as such, I feel I should publicise the fact I came third in the hope that any passing book-dealer might take pity and offer me a 50 grand advance....

Or maybe a 60 grand advance would be better because I've got this really great idea for a block-bustin' book, it's all about an evil boy wizard called Barry Rotter...

Thank God they didn’t mention my course....

A report from the Taxpayers' Alliance has criticised the epidemic of non-courses currently being invented by every University in the country in order to get more student cash and government money into their coffers. Amongst the courses highlighted include ‘Horse Psychology’, ‘Outdoor adventure with philosophy’, ‘Fashion buying’ and ‘Golf management’....

Thankfully, my Open University Doctorate course on ‘Interesting vegetable shapes’ is safe from scrutiny. The EU needs more ‘Interesting vegetable shape Inspectors’ and great news, Mrs Alfie has promised to buy me a set of turnip gauges and a carrot flange for Christmas.

The Lying Scotsman

“We will do nothing to put the union at risk” - Gordon Brown

Hat tip to Fred Bishop for the inspirational image.

Fairport Convention - Dirty Linen

Something for the weekend..

Fairport Convention, English folk rock band of the late sixties and seventies. This is from Glastonbury in 1971. Manic fiddler, Dave Swarbrick is on top form - stopping only to light a fag, a habit that would eventually lead him to chronic ill health and a lung transplant.

Skara Brae vandalised... thickest brick in the world sought.

Skara Brae in Orkney - the world famous neolithic village has had graffiti scribbled all over its ancient walls. By a feat of brilliant deduction, the Orkney Plod are looking for a holidaymaker from Liverpool who may have Irish or Scottish origins. They are also believed to have the perpetrator's name - and when this guy is due to finish his holiday, so an arrest seems imminent.....

Pretty clever stuff, in a Sherlock Holmesian way, eh? Maybe, down here in PC blighted Blighty we could do with such thorough, no-nonsense proper policing as practised ooop north to clean up our streets?....

That is until you consider exactly what the graffiti artist actually wrote.... Using a big thick indellible pen and in great big letters he scrawled , 'SCOUSE CELTS'... nearby, he drew a nice smiley face and dated it. Underneath everything, he signed it... with his very own name.

Sergeant Gregor Hay, who is leading the investigation, said that they had identified the suspect as a tourist due to travel back to the mainland by ferry on Friday.
"We believe the suspect has been stupid enough to use his own name," he added. "We are keen to speak to a family who are still on the island."

Do I need a holiday?...

English Nationalism and paranoia are natural bed-fellows. Watching the News or reading the 'paper - it's very easy to slide into an analytically anal overload (not a pretty site).... why aren't they saying this... what about the other..... it's not Britain, it's England you God damn Labour loving bastards....

I'm always looking for the hidden agenda, the things they're not saying. The massaging and manipulation of reality as the great media machine continues to do Nu Labour's bidding - it's in all walks of life and is relentless in its presentation of a supposed partnership of equals and a watery-eyed commitment to a beloved Union.

Which brings me to this advert - published in the last edition of the Sunday Times, Culture Magazine for the NS&I....

As a graphic designer, the first thing I noticed was the appallingly awful PhotoShop work - the same bloke can be seen in the crowd half-a-dozen times, and half the people are mirror images of the other half.... And then there are the flags fluttering away, celebrating that most apparently 'British' of cultural events, The Proms. Paranoia demanded that I count them, naturally.

The supporters of the Proud and historic nation of Scotland have 3 large flags fluttering.

The supporters of the Proud and historic nation of Wales have 3 large flags fluttering.

The supporters of the collection of regions reluctantly known as England have only 2 flags fluttering (and one of those is pitifully small).
Fortunately, England's fluttering flag quota is made up to three by the inclusion of a single large Union Flag.

So that's alright then...

Jersey joins the proud list of proud nations in TescoWorld..

Great news! Sir Terry Leahy, CEO of Tesco plc gives Jersey nationhood status! Scouser, Sir Tel' said "We recognise Jersey as a proud and noble nation... their potatoes are really fab', and we sell lots of their wooly jumpers in our bigger stores - so that's good enough for me."

The inclusion of Jersey into the United Nations of TescoWorld is in recognition of the proudyness of its people and uniqueness of the culture.. "Apparently, Bergerac was filmed there, you know" said Sir Terry.

Sir Terry confirmed that a special new flag graphic would grace all Jersey products from now on. "That way, the consumer won't be confused - and will know exactly where the produce has come from".. When asked if an all inclusive Channel Islands branding might have been a better option, Sir Terry thumped the table (product of Sweden) and insisted that all nations had to be respected by Tesco...

Asked about England, Sir Terry loosened his tie (product of Thailand), fingered the rim of his tea cup (product of China) and confirmed that England was too complicated, too diverse and too huge to be called 'a country'...

"And anyway, England has no culture ­- sure they've made the odd cop show ­but they're no Bergerac, are they?"

Shock horror - ITV forget all about England in new show.

Well there is a surprise - new show, same old ignorances.... Britain's Favourite View hit the airwaves last night. Anchorman Sir Trev' McDonald introduced different champions of viewyness, from different parts of 'the country'.... And as everyone knows, 'the country' is divided up into 3 different parts - Scotland, Wales and Britain...

Championing the magnificent Seven Sisters in Britain, those huge white cliffs majestically thrusting out into the British Channel was Irishman, Des Lynam... As Des confirmed, "The Seven Sisters is the gateway to Britain"... Cue grainy scenes of the RAF, Spitfires, Tally Ho-ing into the Luftwaffe over the South Downs…. Then we were back to the present day, Des confirmed that this view was Britain’s gem……"This is Britain’s gem", he said.

Next came Edinburgh in Scotland. We knew it was Scotland because there was a bloody enormous picture of a fluttering Scottish Saltire plus a skirling skirl played by a Scottish piper in a kilt to introduce the piece..... This view was introduced by Edinburgh-born Rory Bremner...

Rory waxed lyrical about Scotland’s heritage, magnificent scenery and national proudyness…..

And then we’re back with Sir Trev’ in his chopper, hovering above Britain – Trev tells us we are off to Wales ….

And indeed we were off to Wales and the Gower Penninsula. We knew it was Wales because there was a bloody huge Welsh Dragon fluttering away on screen - and Welsh song-totty, Katherine Jenkins did the business of trying to sell us the Mumbles.... (I'd always thought was a dodgy disease of the older gent)..

Katherine waxed lyrical about Welsh heritage, magnificent scenery and national proudyness…..

And then we seamlessly hove into Blackpool. Orange man, David 'Jaffa' Dickinson is trying his very best to sell us this holidaying jewel of Britain's coast, in Britain. He has a hard job. .

And that was it. An alien watching would have had no idea that there was a country missing from the entire programme…. England was a no-show. Surprise, surprise....

Meanwhile, over at this morning’s BBC editorial meeting….

"OK Harrison, we’ve got this really big story breaking about the High Court’s verdict on the Alzheimer’s drug action…

"Yeah Brad, shame that – they’ve found against the protesters – all they’ve done is ask NICE to rewrite the guidance notes"… A bit of tweeking here and there should do the job I think"..

"So, how are we going to report it then?

"I reckon something like 'Alzheimer’s drugs available to everyone apart from the English – due to extortionate charge of £2:50p per day"….

"Hmmmm, it’s good – but probably a bit OTT I think. After all, we are not talking about everyone in the UK on this story – just England."

"What, the country of England?"

Definitely not – ‘England, the collection of regions’. Don’t you remember your training?"

"Sorry, of course, I don’t know what came over me…… OK, well how about this one? - ‘Alzheimer’s drugs not available to English patients"…

"Still too inflammatory – look, we want to tell the news, but not to tell it as it really is, obviously".

"Obviously".

"I mean, what would be gained by telling 50 million people that they cannot have a medicine available to everyone else?".

You mean something like - ‘Alzheimer’s drugs will not be available on the English NHS to patients"..

Almost – but we don’t want to highlight the fact that there are actually 4 NHSesses in the UK, do we? We want to play that down a bit… I was thinking something more like – ‘Alzheimer’s drugs will not be available on the NHS in England to patients"..

"That’s better, now we’re getting somewhere"…..

"I’ve not finished yet, what if we played down the ‘in England’ bit"….

"What? Do you mean ‘whisper it"?

"Exactly, ‘whisper it’…. Look it complies with Cabinet Working Directorate 345665/tes – Operation Changeling, so we’re in the clear with Gordon and the boys."

"Great, get Natasha in here, right away… No wait, I don’t think she does ‘whispering’ too well, better make it Fiona"…..

And so on today’s BBC One o’clock News, this was how the story was reported….

‘Alzheimer’s drugs will not be available on the NHS in England to patients"……

18 Doughty Street gains an extra viewer…

I bought my first ever pc last week and the world is now my dual-processing lobster. I’ve been tapping away for years on AppleMacs – which have been brilliant for my work activity (Designer), but rubbish for other stuff, which included viewing podcasts and listening to online radio…

I used to be able to get that kind of stuff on my Macs, but one day, just before 18 Doughty Street went live, ‘they’ withdrew support. Overnight, I, and millions of other middle-aged Mac users with middle-aged Mac machines, were suddenly cut out of experiencing the multimedia multistuff.

I couldn’t even access flash sites any more - and every month that went by, my web experience became more and more diminished.

Something simply had to be done – so I did it.

Last night, I experienced my very first session of pod casting from 18 Doughty Street. It was mightily impressive – and at last, I have seen the programme which had Christine Constable and Yasmin Alibhai-Brown guesting….. riveting stuff.

And tonight? Well tonight I’m going to create my very own Avatar and get stuck into the phenomenon that is Second Life. Tell me, does anyone know if virtual England has her own Parliament in that virtual world – or has Citizen Brown got there before me?

Numptie versus Gurdeep…

The other day, I’d finished watching paint dry and making elephant shapes out of clouds – so I thought it was about time I had a quick look at the blog of Cornwall’s very own Victor Meldrew. He calls himself ‘Bondbloke’ – but everyone knows him as ‘Numptie’.

For those who don’t know, Tourettes-Syndromed Numptie, now residing in Scotland, is something of a legend in English Nationalist circles. His one-eyed view of the English knows no depths of prejudice and stereotypical ranting. If anyone happens to disagree with him he likes to threaten them with his fabled comments policy – and the ultimate sanction of ‘deletion’. He will not tolerate ignorance or bad language from anyone (apart from himself, obviously).

Anyway, the post that caught my attention is titled – Helping the English in Scotland and was posted on April 26th, 2006. Numptie has done his routine scissors and glue stuff with some entries on the Cross of St George forum, then written his unique slant on each piece. His agenda is the usual Numptie brand of intolerance and ignorance – but hey, it’s never stopped him before. The post is all about the treatment of the English in Scotland – apparently, Numptie reckons it’s all rubbish – and inevitably the fault of the gobby Empire-building English….

The comments span well over a year are the usual responses to such a post. Outraged English people, mostly given short shrift by Numptie – and the inevitable threat to delete the comment unless they behave, say sorry and stroke Numptie’s ego…. And there’s also a particularly ignorant rant from an SNP commentator – it is full to the brim with hate, ignorance and inaccuracies – but as this is a Scotsman slagging off the whole of England (landscape included) then it clearly did not apparently contravene Numptie’s selectively stringent comments policy. So that’s OK then.

Anyway, I trolled down the comments, gradually losing the will to read and despising the hectoring control freakery with which Numptie revels – until I happened upon Gurdeep’s comment, posted on July 2nd of this year.. I have copied it below in its entirety. There is also Numptie’s feeble response – and Gurdeep’s reply. I reckon the comments policy has just had to be redefined as Numptie gets a comment from someone who doesn’t fit his stereotypical pigeon holes…..

Gurdeep Says:
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:29 am
It’s the Cornish nationalists that worry me more than the English, they seem to have taken up the blood and soil celtic nationalism that the Scots specialised in in the 70s and the Welsh in the 80s.

Whatever your views on the rights or wrongs of an English parliament you must at least give the English nationalists some credit - they’re not Settler Watch, The BNP or An Gof.

You don’t see English nationalists burning British, Scottish, Welsh or Cornish flags. Even the BNP (who aren’t really ‘English’ nationalists (they are white nationalists who happen to be English) don’t go in for that sort of thing.

The English accept that multiple identities are possible because the vast majority of them, even the most passionate Englishmen, tend to also feel British or have some strong regional identity, or perhaps some other ethnic identity like Indian. This is something that the Celtic nationalists don’t really understand, much less appreciate. England is much more tolerant and multicultural in this respect. So you have Cornishmen burning the English flag and threatening to burn down English homes and stating that you can’t be English and Cornish. If Englishmen burnt the Indian flag and said that you couldn’t be English and Indian then people would be up in arms about it. But because it is celtic racism directed at England it is seen as acceptable or not so much of a problem.

Respectfully I say that you as a Cornishman you should sort out your own backyard before pouring scorn on the English who seem to act with a great deal more dignity and probity than the Celts. I would count myself as English and I do not understand the animosity that this debate generates.

22. BondBloke (aka Numptie) Says:
July 3rd, 2007 at 1:35 pm
I will come back to your points Gurdeep when I return home from a short trip…

23. Gurdeep Says:
July 4th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
No response necessary really, it’s just my personal opinion. England is more accepting of multiple identities than the Celtic nations. I’m not saying that the Celtic nations are more racist (that exists in England also) but celtic nationalism is more rooted in ethnicity. This leads to anti-Englishness more than hostility towards people of other skin colours because the Celts define themselves in opposition to Englishness, whereas the English tend to define themselves in opposition to foreign non-British nations or immigrants (although this is changing due to asymmetric devolution).

The tragedy for England is that the British government persists in a headlong drive towards Britishness when the indigenous English population are ‘retreating’ into Englishness because of devolution (and possibly also unintegrated immigrant populations that are hostile to English culture). This marginalises the non-indigenous non-hostile hyphenated population (like British-Asians) in England because we cannot subscribe to an English identity (like we would a Scottish identity in Scotland) because England does not exist outside the imaginations of the English. To be English is to be ethnically English because England lacks constitutional form and political expression.

All I am saying is that you should recognise that Celtic nationalism is not superior to English nationalism. Celtic nationalism is also driven by fear of the other (in your case the English), and much of the language deployed is more racist than that used by English nationalists (that is not a comment on you personally BTW). Fortunately devolution to Scotland and Wales has instilled a new confidence in those nations and much of the vile anti-English rhetoric of the 70s and 80s has disappeared, the same though cannot be said for Cornwall whose nationalists inexplicably rage against the English when really they should be raging against a British state that is top heavy with Scotsmen. Now in England too we are seeing the rise of anti-Scottishness due to a completely unfair devolution settlement.

When all said and done the majority of English nationalists that I have come across seem to be asking for fairness. They want their nation to have the same constitutional safeguards and political representation as the Celtic nations. To flatly deny that perfectly reasonable claim is in itself racist. All nations, all peoples, have the right to self-determination, and England is no different just because it makes up the largest part of the United Kingdom.

Not a lot to add really - Numptie clearly shares that view.

Is it cos I is white and English then?

Yes it is.

After reading about Abigail Howarth and her failure to get an interview for a job with the Environmental Agency because she was white and English, I was really seething. The double standards, the racist agenda, the exclusionist bullshit – all apparently A-OK because it is aimed at the white English population – and as everyone knows, we white English people have the hatred of the entire world on our backs because of past misdemeanours… ….. For instance, Pontius Pilot was an Englishman wasn’t he? And that Adolf Hitler bloke – born in Birmingham I think – right next door to Mr and Mrs Mussolini and their young ‘un… Then there was 'Geordie Ghengis Khan' and that Scouser, Joey Stalin - the bloke doing unspeakable things to anyone who gobbed off to him and nicking their wheels off their cars…. And worst of all, didn’t some bloke stand up in a Bolton cinema during a showing of ‘Braveheart’ and shout out that Mel Gibson was the worst, most bigoted actor of all time?

The bloke from Bolton is a disillusioned madman who knows bugger all about acting, obviously….

Yup, we white English are the scum of the Earth all right – how else do you explain the institutionalised racism displayed by the CRE when the ‘white English’ question gets an airing? How else do you explain the complacent, oh–so-matter-of-fact comment of one of the head honchos from the recruitment agency who advertised the job on behalf of the Environment Agency - with added ‘ABAWEP’ (Anyone But A White English person) qualifier?….

PATH National's organisational development manager, Mary McDowell, said: "The "White Welsh", "White Irish" and "White Scottish" is a technicality in law - if they are a minority, they are entitled to places on these schemes - they are not part of the majority group, which is "White English". "The "White English" in this area are the majority group and hence could not apply.

Nice one Mary. But what if a job comes up in Brixton and your company is asked to select the applicants. Black people are obviously in the majority in Brixton so by your logic will the advert come with an ‘Afro-Caribbeans need not apply’ notice? Will you be quoted saying that the Black Afro-Caribbeans are in the majority so they cannot apply?

Will you Mary?

And if that is not correct because you are looking at the entire country as a whole, does that mean that your very own organisation, PATH National has a workforce that accurately reflects the ethnic ratio within England? Is your workforce over 90% white English, Mary. For that matter, is the CRE employing over 90% white English people?

What do you think, Mary?

Better take a butchers at your very own web site with your very own rules and regs regarding your very own employment terms…..

Recruitment
PATH National is an equal opportunities employer and aims to reflect the diversity of British society. We welcome applications from all suitably qualified individuals irrespective of race, gender or disability for permanent or fixed-term posts with the organisations.

PATH National also practices equality of opportunity for the traineeship and management development programmes, under the positive action remit of sections 37 & 38 of the Race Relations Act (1976).

Measures include training for particular work to meet the specific needs of people from particular minority ethnic groups.

Positive action does not allow racial discrimination in recruitment, selection or promotion; it promotes fair competition.

No it doesn’t Mary. You and your organisation are racists. There is nothing ‘positive’ in your agenda, merely appalling practises of political racial manipulation that any fascist government would be proud of.

And as for the Commission for Racial Equality – well on their web site is the following concerning ‘Positive Action’ in employment….

The Race Relations Act does not allow positive discrimination or affirmative action – in other words, an employer cannot try to change the balance of the workforce by selecting someone mainly because she or he is from a particular racial group. This would be discrimination on racial grounds, and is unlawful*


*Unless you are a white English person, obviously……

Planning – time to protest before it’s all too late…..

The Campaign for the Protection of Rural England (CPRE) – along with other protectors of the English landscape have launched a campaign to halt the cheap-trick New Labour planning proposals from becoming law in England.

Can I please ask everyone, if you value the English countryside, if you value the right of local people to question planning issues in their area to support the campaign and register your protest.

Campaign background from the Planning Disaster coalition website:
’CPRE is part of a coalition of civic and environmental organisations – with over 5 million members. We are opposed to the Government’s planning reforms, which threaten to make a mockery of local democracy, stripping away your right to participate in major decisions about your area and threaten valuable landscapes, habitats, historic environments and local character.
The urgency for this campaign has been heightened by the Government’s announcement on 11 July of a Planning Reform Bill to be introduced in Parliament later this year’.

Read the latest coalition news and take action by visiting the Planning Disaster website:

Remember, if this bill is passed in its current form it will mean decisions about the siting of new Nuclear Power Stations, incinerators, huge housing estates and new towns in England will be decided by Government. Local consultation will not be asked for, local protests will not be tolerated – the Government will simply cite the supposed greater needs of the majority as justification.

As a BBC reporter said last week, "Once the English countryside is gone, it’s gone!"…..

The Justice for England petition - the lackey from the Ministry of Justice replies...

To: Justice for England
(via email) 25 July 2007

From: Lai-Sze Lai
Constitutional Settlement Division
Ministry of Justice.

Dear Sir

Justice for England – on the 300th Anniversary of the British Union

Thank you for the presentation of a petition for an English Parliament.

England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, are components of the United Kingdom (UK), each with their own histories and distinct national identities, as well as different administrative structures, size and population. As a result, the Government believes that different approaches and solutions are appropriate to address the differences that exist between the components that comprise the UK.

The highest priority was given to the creation of a parliament in Scotland, and a national assembly in Wales, since the demand for decentralisation in these countries was long-standing. Indeed, proposals to create similar institutions were enacted in the late 1970’s, but failed to secure the necessary majorities in referendums.

The existing devolution settlement introduced in 1997/98 was designed to meet varying needs, so that local decisions could be made to respond to local problems. This has been the success of devolution, which can be seen in the variety of policy such as Health and Education, which are implemented across England, Wales and Scotland.

The Barnett Formula, which you raised in your letter, provides the Devolved Administrations with a population based share of comparable increases in spending for UK Government departments and reflects long standing conventions that have governed funding for Scotland and Wales under successive administrations. This block grant and how it is spent is then decided by the Devolved Administrations.

Nonetheless, the UK Parliament remains sovereign, and retains the authority to legislate on any issues, devolved or otherwise. However, the UK Government works in accordance with the convention that it will not normally legislate with regards to devolved matters except with the agreement of the Devolved Administrations.

On the issue of voting rights of Scottish MPs, a fundamental principle of the UK Parliament is that all MPs have equal rights. This means that each MP can vote on any matter brought before them, whether they represent English, Scottish or any other constituencies.

It should be noted that the number of MPs representing Scottish constituencies in Westminster have been reduced, from 72 to 59 in the General Election of May 2005. Additionally, the Boundary Commission for Wales keeps the parliamentary constituencies within Wales under continual review. Looking at Scotland in particular, prior to devolution, there were special statutory provisions which stipulated a minimum of Scottish seats, designed to protect Scottish interests.

The Government is against discrimination of any kind and therefore will not deliberate on any proposal that would prevent anyone born in Scotland becoming a Member of Parliament within the UK.

You may also wish to note that the Government has asked Parliament to consider establishing regional select committees. Establishment of select committees is a matter for Parliament, not Government, so we look forward to proposals coming forward from Parliament.

In addition, the Communities and Local Government Select Committee recommended the establishment of regional select committees (Is there a future for regional government? Fourth Report of Session 2006-7, HC352-I). They highlighted the potential benefits, including effective examination of the work of regional bodies and calling Ministers to account. The Government agrees with that analysis.

I hope this addresses your concerns.

Yours sincerely

Lai-Sze Lai
Constitutional Settlement Division

Err, no it doesn't, actually..
In the immortal words of the great John Patrick McEnroe...Answer the question, jerk!.

Doctor Dave, MD.

That pompous lounge lizard, David Owen has just published a new book about George Dubbya and his poodle mate, Tony ‘doormat’ Blair….

As well as a pompous lounge lizard, Owen is also a GP of remarkable ordinariness – but nevertheless that hasn’t stopped him from feeling qualified to deliver a sort of virtual diagnosis on the ills of George and Tony.

No, Dubbya does not suffer from ‘thickaspigshititis’ and Tone is not a victim of ‘Jesus second-coming syndrome’ … Doctor David reckons that they are both victims of the ‘Hubris Syndrome’

As the publicity spiel tells us – ‘For many politicians, power seems to go to their head, and becomes a heady drug affecting every action they take. The Greeks called it hubris, where the hero wins glory, acclaim and success – but it is often followed by nemesis.

David Owen suggests George Bush and Tony Blair developed a Hubristic Syndrome while in power. He provides a powerful analysis, looking at their behaviour, beliefs and governing style, in particular the nature of their hubristic incompetence in handling the Iraq War. Both of them, and in her last year in office, Margaret Thatcher, developed many of the tell-tale and defining symptoms…..

Naw, I don’t think Tony Blair is suffering from Hubristic Syndrome at all – ‘Caligulan mad-bad and dangerously psychotic with narcissistic tendencies and in baldyness denial’ maybe….

Dr Dave, I reckon my diagnosis is more accurate than yours – and I know diddly squat about medical matters…

SOURCE-
http://www.politicospublishing.co.uk/titles.php/itemcode/178

Klondike 2007….

Today, Gordon Brown, England’s occupying First Minister without conscience will announce the boots and braces of his house building orgy for England. No mandate in England

Thanks to the revamped and simplified planning laws, objections to the building of mega housing estates by local people will not be tolerated. No Siree Bob. (Nor indeed will objections for the building of brand spanking new English nuclear power stations and other UK-sensitive nasties). Get your money into Blue Circle, like now!

Meanwhile Scotland and (increasingly) Wales will still retain their full planning rights – there to develop responsibly and organically for the benefit and well-being of their own citizens.Well, Gordon’s got to have somewhere nice to retire to, hasn’t he?

Thanks to the impending eradication of the faux-democratic Regional Assemblies, any objections from Tory councillors at a regional level will be null and void. Sorted.

Thanks to last year’s government sponsored Barker report describing the green belt as of ‘little environmental value’ and ‘ripe for development’, the multinationals of this world, the owners of most of the green belt have been rubbing their corporate hands with glee. (Shell and Coca-Cola included). I’d like to teach the world to build…..

Thanks to NuLabour, over 1 million existing houses throughout the UK remain unoccupied, derelict and festering. Predictable.

Thanks to Nu Labour and their obsession with University education, apprenticeship schemes in this country have collapsed. The nobility of skilled trades, bricklaying, carpentry etc has been devalued to the status of a McJob. In order to fulfil the building boom brief, we will have to bring in migrant workers from other parts of the EU. Unsustainable

We, the people of England are about to have over 3 million houses, plus all the accompanying infrastructure planted onto farm land and green belt. You just don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, do you? Concretia, here we come.

Gordon Brown's new words for England…

Thanks to research carried out by the NuLab focus group, (Mendacity Division), Gordon Brown seems to have been given a new name to call England. He shoves it in at every occasion he can - especially when he's talking about health, education and housing matters….…...

The references to ‘Britain’ and the ‘Regions’ are soooo last season. Gordon's got a new, up to the minute phrase which he likes to trot out every time he talk about English stuff.....

And the new phrase for England? Our Country"

Breathtaking...

Possible reasons for Gordon Brown disbanding the Regional Assemblies in England….

1) He’s realised they are undemocratic, unelected, non-representative gravy trains infested with no-talent local busy-bodies and freeloaders….

2) As a true democrat, and recognising the democratic deficit the English have suffered for years, Brown is preparing the way for the creation of an English Parliament with at least as much power as the Scottish model.

3) He needs to stick 3 million houses somewhere in England, like quick. A scenario so awful, the existing Regional Assemblies might deflect from their usual position of cravenly supine poddlery – and actually start to kick up a fuss……

Gordon Brown – dissent will not be tolerated….

The relentless ruination of England – continued.

Gordon Brown – the no mandate man, has committed to building a shedload of sheds to accommodate England’s massive population increase.

Gordon said in Parliament today - "Putting affordable housing within the reach not just of the few but the many is vital both to meeting individual aspirations and a better future for our country."

Note: By ‘our country’, No mandate Brown is talking about England, which is not, ‘his country’ – it’s mine.

And from Hazel Blears, his Minister for Communities comes this – "House building takes priority over environmental concerns" She also asserted that she couldn’t give "categorical assurances about redrawing the green belt"

The England City state is well under way.

Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland however will still be at their verdant best. Gordon will still be able to go off climbing the Monroes of Scotland and revel in the unspoilt wilderness of that country. He’ll climb, he’ll roam, safe in the knowledge that the country previously known as green and pleasant will soon be a concrete midden of million-unit housing estates, nuclear power stations and 8 lane-wide road schemes.

Welcome to hell, brought to you by a Scottish no mandate PM, a bunch of grovelling acolytes and a coven of non-elected quango chieftains.

And what are our very own English MPs doing about it all? Correct, counting their expenses!

Caroline Flint – Shameful hag of Gordon Brown’s constitutional manipulation…

Brassy cow Caroline Flint, the brand spanking new Regional Minister for Yorkshire & Humberside has yet to do her duty and go and see the flooding chaos in Doncaster, Sheffield and Hull. She's organised diddy-squat for the victims, who have been left wallowing in a slick of sewerage, mud and rancid water for days.

All a bit of a surprise really, seeing that all these unfortunate urban areas fall within her ‘regional remit’, You'd have thought that she would be fighting central government for extra cash and resources for all she was worth. The fact is she has done nothing. This first test of the new Regional Ministerial Matrix of England has, guess what, gone tits up as effectively as a sofa floating down the High Street.

The excuse that Flint has given for failing to do anything is that she had "previous diary engagements"….

Sorry Caroline, you hag of political expediency, your first duty is to your ‘region’ and by doing bugger all during the past week, you have shown up your new post to be as fraudulent as Gordon Brown’s supposed mandate in England.

The ‘Regional Ministers’ project is nothing more than an attempt by Gordon ‘no mandate’ Brown to emasculate England into meaningless hunks of no-power real estate. These manikins have no power, no money, no ideas. They are merely puppets of a malicious plan to carve us up. If there is one episode that illustrates how desperately England needs a First Minister - this is it.

Caroline Flint, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for a)Not attending the scenes of the flooding. bNot sending any of your quango fuelled minions to organise and rebuild. cAccepting a meaningless no-power job of political expediency from a man with no mandate. dnot thinking of a decent enough excuse for not going.

(I’d have used the old standby, "I’ve only been in the job for 5 days" – it worked for your Scottish boss!)

PMQs - Car crash TV…..

Well, that was history in the making. Gordon Brown doing his first PMQs today, and falling flat on his bum after scarcely 5 minutes into it. After the slick, ‘Swiss-Tony’ years of evasion, waffle and grandstanding, we are now in the ‘Bumbling Brown’ period of parliamentary history. It promises much if today is anything to go by.

It wasn’t exactly a cushion moment – you know what a ‘cushion moment’ is, don’t you? When something you are watching is so embarrassing, you have to stick a cushion in front of your face and chant "Can’t hear, can’t hear, tra-la-la, can’t hear" to block it out…..

And so Gordon, the man with the supposed intellect as big as Ben Nevis, a mind as sharp as William Wallace’s Claymore and a brain as logical as Mr McSpock, (Mr Spock’s cleverer and more logical Scottish half-brother), floundered like a beached haddock.

It all started when Call me Dave, a man as threatening as a dead slug opened up with a question about a nasty and openly anti-Semitic Islamic organisation – "So why hasn’t it been outlawed?" said Dave.

Gordon, the steel-trap man immediately changed to Gordon the floundering fish….

Gordon was thinking…. What would Tony have said, something clever, something witty probably? Think, think, THINK!! Dammit man you’re a bloody Scottish genius, everybody says you are, so you must be – so think of the answer, come on Gordon, everyone’s looking at you - what’s the bloody answer? Gordon the answer, what’s the fucking answer!!!!! Come on you bloody genius, give that twat Dave the answer so he knows who’s boss.. SO WHAT"S THE ANSWER?… Got it, brilliant, Gordon, baby you’re a bleeding genius! The answer is…. "Errr, I’ve only been in the job for 5 days"…..

The Tories laughed their heads off.

He sat down, he got up, he sat down again, up, down, up down. Cameron looked stunned. This was a first, Call me Dave actually had a political opponent on the ropes… Was Dave mouthing "Back of the bloody orgasmic net, Brown you common little oik"…?

Oh God, could it get any worse for Gordon?

Yes! Of course it could!
All of a sudden, from the Labour back-benches, a baldy old git with a liking for living in a house with in-built cannabis resin stood to his feet. John Reid was putting his oar in for his ‘friend’, cod-fish Brown….

And of course, in ‘helping’ Gordon with all the facts concerning the question that Cameron asked, he showed Brown up for what he actually is.

A thick, ill-informed, uber-ruthless, power-mad politician with the thinking capacity of a sponge.

They ought to sell tickets for next week’s confrontation.

Around the world in 365 days....

Two weeks ago we waved off my Son, John and his friend Jo at Heathrow on the first leg of their year long, round-the-world trip of a lifetime.

Just about now they are in Zanzibar, the birthplace of Freddie Mercury – last week it was the Serengeti, messing with lions and the like, next week they’ll be in the Masai Mara – having a look at those wildebeests just before they start their epic migration. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the places they are going to…. I mean, the world can be a dangerous place, right?

And they seem to be going to some right old frontier countries….. I’ve warned them – don’t give a ‘thumbs up’ sign to anyone (in some countries that means the same as the raised middle finger here). The dodgy food, the dodgier water, the guerrilla groups, the routine violence, the muggings, the man-eating animals, the man-eating sharks, the man-eating men, the sly slithering snakes, the big hairy spiders, the burrowing insects that make a meal out of your brain……. And ‘the little fish’.

"What little fish is that then?" I hear you ask.

Well, sometime early next year they should be hitting Peru to do the Inca trail and visit Machu Picchu, lost capital of the Incas…… but before they go there, they will be spending a few days down in that there Amazonian jungle.

I’ve told my Son – at no time should he get into the dark waters of the world’s greatest river for a swim, to cool off or to impress the natives with his front crawl. I’ve told him, if he does happen to fall into the Amazon – or indeed into any of its tributaries he’s got to immediately cover his nether regions with his hands – and get out as soon as possible.

For in those dark, dark waters is a lurking killer, waiting patiently for the next unsuspecting punter to fall in and provide it with his brand new home.

The little Candirú fish is a right little bugger of a fish. It’s the one of legend, the one that really scares the natives and makes British schoolboys laugh their heads off.

So what can this little fish do that is so appalling, so awful, so disgusting as to make the average strapping he-man go weak at the knees….

Yep, you’ve guessed it, the Candirú fish is the one that zeroes in on a man’s dangly bits, locates the ‘opening’, swims up the manhood and sticks its crampon-style fins into the side walls of the Urethra and starts to feed on your blood.

Now that really has got to smart…

Once it’s in, it’s in. Nothing, save a complex operation can get rid of it – and be honest, would you want a surgeon with a scalpel splitting your pride and joy open from stem to stern?. They can have a go at any orifice – but they are more likely to go for the manhood because they’re supposedly attracted to the scent of urine….

Was God Almighty having a bit of an off day when he created the Candirú fish? Or is it simply a result of evolution – did natural selection decide that the world would be a better place if Candirú fish existed?

Who knows? I just thank God they’re not in our rivers….. We just have the odd dead dog, used prophylactics and the deadly germs that Domestos can’t kill lurking in our waterways.

So there you have it. He and Jo are now on their own, They face the perils of the world – and the Candirú fish with just his rucksack and his piece of paper with Alfie’s golden rules for survival scribbled on it.

Never give a thumbs up sign.

Don’t drink the water unless it comes out of a British tap.

Don’t screw your face up when offered a tempting bowl of goat testicle broth by a Nepalese herder.

Don’t volunteer to put the spider out of the tent. (Unless it’s smaller than your hand).

If a big guy with a spear says he likes the look of your hat – give it to him, pronto.

When you get to New Zealand, be sure to tell the locals that their country has bugger all to do with Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy – and that the books were actually based in the Midlands of England.

If you ever get in a really tricky situation with the locals, just tell them you’re a scouser – and you’ll burgle their house if they don’t sod off.

If you really must go swimming in the Amazon – be sure to tape up your nob with plenty of gaffer tape before doing so.

Marks & Spencer recognise England....

Marks & Spencer risked a huge backlash from Sir Terry Leahy, the new 'Minister for British Groceries' for bravely finding out that England is a country that actually did exist, afterall.

M&S Chief Executive, Stuart Rose declared that their new range of English Milk is going to be a sure fire winner with 50 million milk drinking punters. "It was a bit of an accident really" said Mr Rose. "I was fumbling around in our attic when I came across a pre-war edition of the RAC Atlas of Great Britain. I thumbed through the yellowing, dog-eared pages when all of a sudden I noticed an area of Britain that is - or was called 'England'. It's a huge area, full to the brim with people who presumably drink tea and put milk on their cornflakes"...

"And as I thumbed through those pages, a sort of amazing thought hit me, why not sell milk produced in England as 'English Milk? We could have a flag on it and everything"...

Sir Terry was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesperson for his department said it was a dangerous precedent which would confuse the average housewife so much she could be in danger of catching cow-pox, mad-milk disease and Englanditis from the sure to be substandard dairy product."I'm not too sure whether Mrs Average actually knows where 'England' is - I certainly don't" he said.

Squatter found at Prime Minister’s weekend gaff…

Dateline Saturday, Buckinghamshire, England.

Security staff today discovered political has-been Tony Blair, his ugly wife Cherie and their 4 kids dossing in the master bedroom at Chequers, the Prime Ministerial weekend retreat.

Staff trapped the Blair squatsters with a simple but effective ruse. Hearing creaking floorboards above – and suspecting that some no mark had managed to shin a drainpipe, they shouted up the stairs that the President of the United States was on the phone asking for the Prime Minister. Before anyone could say "power-mad despot", Blair popped out from under the bed declaring that he knew George hadn’t forgotten him…

When challenged, the ex-leader admitted to having problems adjusting to civvy street after 10 years of being Citizen Number 1. He was dragged off shouting – "But the world needs me and my pointy, pointy finger gestures"

I lied about him being dragged off – as this is the Yoo-Kay, and we’ve well and truly lost the plot; he’s still there, still enjoying the freebies, the cocktail cabinet and the luxurious deep velvet toilet paper. Excuse me, but as he is no longer the PM, or ‘Cappo di tutti cappi’ of the Labour Party Mafia - or even an MP, and he’s sort of in-between jobs, why the hell is he larging it at Chequers?

Dear Gordon Brown, WAM ( Without a Mandate),

I understand you are looking around for some special people for your team – to heal, to soothe, to rebuild the YooKay in all its HeeBeeGeeBee glory.…. A sort of Cabinet of the Talents to replace Blair's Cabinet of the Scotsmen. Well look no further, Gordon baby, today is your lucky day – I’m available.

Can I please, please, please be Minister for Kirkcaldy – and can I please have sole responsibility for the education, health, transport, planning and old people’s social care of that fair town?

Of course, the post will be ‘off limits’ to you and everyone else – I will be totally independent of any interference from your good self and your fellow Brownites, obviously…….

I will administer my new job from 300 miles away and remotely stick my nose in whenever I see fit to do so. And if the good folk of Kirkcaldy decide they don’t like me or my policies - and wish to be rid of me, then that’s just tougherama. I’m there to stay, nosing away, shoving my oar in and jabbing away with my big nosy jabbing stick whenever the opportunity arises…

No? I thought not.

Come on Gordon, new broom and all that. There must be something I can do in the Cabinet of the Talents?. Something, something, something that no one else is doing at the moment…… maybe a whole new post… Think, Gordon, think!

Got it!

How about making me the very first, First Minister for England please?

Gordon Brown for Britain....

Oh goody, the Man of Steel mark 2 takes over in little over a week.

But for all you Brown-nosing MPs, please be aware that the first man to stop clapping at the glorious inauguration will get a bullet in the back of the head.....

VIVAT REGINA BROWNIER!!!!

Should I or shouldn’t I?.....

At the moment I am watching Peter Hain on BBC’s QuestionTime. He keeps going on about Labour’s achievements. Talking about ‘equality’, ‘fairness’, ‘doing what’s right’ and other such nefarious utterings from the bumper book of NuLabour bollocks.

I’ve had a very hard day today. I’ve driven over 500 miles in a nationwide monsoon, so I’m a bit bloody knackered. But I reckon that if tried really hard I could just about gather enough energy to shove one of my size fourteens straight through the screen and into that pompous basket’s face…..

The 2012 logo....

You couldn’t make it up could you?

Well apparently, someone has - and charged Emperor Seb Coe half a million quid for the privilege.

Design consultants, Wolff Ollins have obviously deployed the ‘new clothes’ strategy in the rolling out of their 2012 logo. to a startled country.

So what’s the new clothes strategy then?

Simple. Someone spends about half an hour producing a right load of old scroat – the graphically crappier the better.. Then they stick it in a nice posh folder for 6 months, ready for the pitch to the client.

Now the really tricky bit – the invoice. This is where the real creative thinking comes into its own. Think of a number, double it, treble it, add several noughts – then round it up to the number of grains of sand you can get in a bucket. Dig out some good words – ‘dynamic’, ‘inspiring’, ‘epoch-making’, etc - and chuck them in the job description. Ask your Mum what she thinks (she’ll always say how fantastic it is, cos she’s your Mum) and stick that on your invoice as well, but call it ‘Market Research’. Once you’re happy with the amount, send it off to the unsuspecting client, or ‘Emperor’ as he’s known in the trade.

Then, before he can ring you back to tell you to ‘Shove your invoice and crap symbol up your jacksy", get one of those posh art experts to wax lyrical about the ‘dynamic form this’ and the ‘modern look that’ of your amazing piece of art. This is where you may have to dig into your pocket to get them ‘on-side’… a couple of Leonard Cohen concert tickets should do it.

The client will be so cowed, so bamboozled – he dare not say anything for fear of appearing to be a complete and utter thicko to the whole world.

The deception is now almost complete. Just the general public to impress….. Nah, on second thoughts, forget them – how gives a toss about what they think?

Kerrrrching!

Charles Clarke, a jackass and that Michael wassisname..

I’ve just about recovered from the May 1st march and standing for election as an English Democrats candidate for our local council on May 3rd. The march was on the Tuesday and the election, two days later. After all the work my wife and I had done for the march and the canvassing for the election, I just hit a wall. It was a massive downward spiral – and I couldn’t get off until it had hit rock bottom.

For the weeks leading up to the early May ‘Big Week’ we worked for England, spoke for England, argued for England, made banners and posters for England and hardly slept for England. By the time May 1st came round, I was a bloody wreck.

I only realised just how big a wreck I had become when I saw the photos of the event. I looked awful - a fat train crash of a man dressed in an ill-fitting dark suit and looking like shit, sort of summed it up really.

The day was great though – being amongst friends and like-minded people lifted my spirits no end. I finally met the legend that is Della as well as Gareth. I also met Scilla, Robin and Christine again – but never got round to saying hello to Iain Dale. My eldest Son and his friend, Jo’ made a surprise appearance. And I got to wander up Downing Street to help hand over the petition, which was nice.

Although we couldn’t march past parliament, courtesy of Raj enforcer Gorbals Mick, we certainly made ourselves heard. After the initial uncoordinated screams, we soon became a well-oiled chanting machine. And it was at this time that I discovered something I never knew - eat your heart out Pavoratti, for t’is Alfie who has the loudest voice in all Christendom.

We got loads of support from passers by and car drivers. Tourists stood staring, open-mouthed, not quite understanding what it was all about – how could they? The proposition of the cradle of modern democracy without a parliament of its own is too ludicrous to contemplate, let alone explain to a guy from Japan. The only hassle we got was from a couple of Irishmen, who, rather bizarrely told us to get back to our own f*****g country. They had barely got the expletive out when they were piled upon by the London Plod. The police were pretty good actually, a couple of them even whispered their support to me. Even the lads from the Spy-camera Division, busily taking pictures of us with their telephoto lenses seemed to be happy in their work.
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The march wended its way through Whitehall, but not past parliament – and thus carefully avoided upsetting the sensibilities (or guilt?) of English Westminster MPs. The issue of not being able to get to even one English MP really rankled me. We’d sent out invites to every single one of our English representatives at Westminster, inviting them to come and support the march, the aims, the cause….

Not one of those lily-livered doormats even bothered to reply, let alone attend.

The march ended outside the Tate Gallery, we listened to some speeches and then gradually dispersed, everyone seemingly trying to make their way to the nearest pub, wherever that was. We decided to head towards parliament – during the march, we’d passed a pub with some St George’s flags hanging outside.

We reached the barriers just outside the main parliamentary gates. All of a sudden, a big, big chubby man of ruddy red complexion and what appeared to be two blood red Quavers stuck to the side of his head (where his ears should have been), barrelled towards us.

What a stroke of luck, it was non other than ex Home Sec’ and serial Brown-hater, Charlie ‘Plug’ Clarke. In an instant, my mate Ed strolled up to him, shook him by the hand (which meant he couldn’t go anywhere) and said "Tell me Mr Clarke, do you think we will get an English Parliament in my lifetime?"

Mr Clarke didn’t answer. Maybe it was too technical, too hard a question – or maybe he wasn’t listening. Ed held his hand long enough for Charlie to feel awkward and embarrassed – and then he let him go, back to his fat mundanity, back to carry on with the second longest sulk in history.

Blimey, it’s like waiting for buses here. Not half an hour previously, MPs representing English constituencies was a rare breed indeed – and then, all of a sudden, there are two of them. Michael Gove hove into view.

I recognised him right away. He looked like an ageing Harry Potter crossed with the ‘Mr Muscle’ stick-thin actor in the TV ads. Yup, I recognised him alright, I just couldn’t remember his surname – and neither could anyone else.

I shouted at the top of my voice, "There’s Michael …….. wassissname?"

Gove stopped hoving and looked straight at me. He looked like he was pleading with me to remember his name.

"Yes, it’s Michael, Michael Thingy…. Tory MP, a bit gobby, has a Home Counties seat – and is of course, Scottish"…

That was it, Ed started to move towards him.

Gove’s initial look of hurt because I couldn’t remember his name gave way to terror as Ed zeroed in on him.

In an instant, Gove had well and truly hoved out of view. We made the pub, had a drink, then wended our way home.

The next day, I was out canvassing again – trying to pick up the last few votes available from a bored and indifferent public. My wife and one of my Son’s were helping me to leaflet – it’s weary work, but someone has to do it. Just then, a big grey bloke came charging out of his front door – and he was waving my leaflet around.

He wasn’t happy. And what’s more, I recognised him. He was on the same design course as me over 30 years ago. He was a really aggressive student, always threatening to thump someone, he was crap at design and had the world’s worse B.O. condition. All the other students refused to go near him – and things came to a head when we all went to Wales for a sketching holiday. Everyone – and I mean everyone refused to share a room with him in the hostel.

We presented the tutors with an ultimatum – it was either him or us. His name was Gordon – he really was a moron – and he stunk to high heaven. He was eventually given the grand order of the boot by the college because he had absolutely no talent for design - and no one wanted to go near to tutor him, so he just sort of femented on his own..

Since being chucked out of college, he had apparently made a career as a sweet shop manager and mini cab driver. Time had not eased his troubled brow – but as he charged towards me, this red-faced contortion of Tasmanian Devilled glottal-spitting invective, I prayed that someone had whispered into his ear about his personal problem.

He called me a Jackass. He told me to shove the leaflet where the Sun don’t shine. He also said I was a Jackass at college.

"Yeah, but at least I’m a jackass who got a degree and didn’t get chucked out after only 6 months"….

That seemed to really irritate him.

So I tried to diffuse the situation, remain courteous – I was, after all representing the English Democrats, so I couldn’t chin him, even though he was sorely pushing me.

He carried on, in my face, on my nerves, up my nose.

I smiled, and asked him whether he was happy to continue to subsidise every other country in the union rather than receive those services for him and his family, I asked him if he believed in an English parliament?

Just like Charles Clarke, he blanked the question, instead threatened me and stumped back into his semi. I wiped his spit from my face and vowed that the next time I meet Gordon the moron, I would not be on English Democrats duty, but in my other persona as Alfie the Terminator.

By the way, I got 10% of the vote, but I don’t think Gordon voted for me.