Dateline Saturday, Buckinghamshire, England.
Security staff today discovered political has-been Tony Blair, his ugly wife Cherie and their 4 kids dossing in the master bedroom at Chequers, the Prime Ministerial weekend retreat.
Staff trapped the Blair squatsters with a simple but effective ruse. Hearing creaking floorboards above – and suspecting that some no mark had managed to shin a drainpipe, they shouted up the stairs that the President of the United States was on the phone asking for the Prime Minister. Before anyone could say "power-mad despot", Blair popped out from under the bed declaring that he knew George hadn’t forgotten him…
When challenged, the ex-leader admitted to having problems adjusting to civvy street after 10 years of being Citizen Number 1. He was dragged off shouting – "But the world needs me and my pointy, pointy finger gestures"
I lied about him being dragged off – as this is the Yoo-Kay, and we’ve well and truly lost the plot; he’s still there, still enjoying the freebies, the cocktail cabinet and the luxurious deep velvet toilet paper. Excuse me, but as he is no longer the PM, or ‘Cappo di tutti cappi’ of the Labour Party Mafia - or even an MP, and he’s sort of in-between jobs, why the hell is he larging it at Chequers?