Last night, whilst waiting for my turn to get into the bathroom, I decided to have a quick butchers at the BBC Parliament television station. What luck – I’ve tuned in just in time…. A full Q&A was going on, apparently it was something rather grandly monikered – ‘The Commons Commission Questiontime’.
Well, that’s what they call it, I favour ‘banal, irrelevant and a total waste of time and money’. The House was, as usual (apart from PMQs), about 90% empty. Amongst such trivia discussed, cogitated and cud-chewed was –
1) "Whether the brass knobs within the lifts in the special gallery west, in the Palace of Westminster had ever been polished?"
2) "Did everyone realise that the 4 new disabled car park spaces in the Palace grounds will, by definition need to be larger than the standard car parking spaces – and had this been taken into consideration?"
3) "Had the newly built covered walkway at Westminster (costing the neck-end of 450 grand) now solved the problem of the previously greasy and slippery, but now dry pavement underneath?"…..
This democracy malarkey is not as simple as I first thought…. I mean, there’s obviously a lot more to legislating than shouting "Yaboo" at the top of your voice on a Wednesday PMQ session….
Fer instance…. "Mister Deputy Speaker, sandwich fillings for the Parliamentary bar, tuna, BLT or eggy-cress?"
"Order, order….. What about cheddar cheese and onion?"
"Does the Right Hon’ gentleman realise it is our turn to have possession of the Commons common-room Remote Control – and perhaps the Remote Control Committee under the Chairmanship of Lord Bragg could investigate the feasibility of replacing the ‘double A’ batteries?"
"Can the last person using the toilet in the Lobby please let the Toilet Roll Commissioner and the Stool Sergeant know that the ‘soft and fluffy’ is getting dangerously low?"
Parliament simply has to change…. Otherwise how the hell can people take it seriously?