Friday's Caption Competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and guess what Sven, the tactical maestro of Team England might be saying as he makes this particularly rude gesture to some unfortunate, non-tactical underling.

Two great prizes for the winner this week - both books written by the tactical genius himself.
You could win the cerebral volume 'Yes, ugly men with buffed up heads can shag fit birds - the Scandinavian way".... and the master tactical work, 'Getting a job that pays 4.5 million a year without doing a tap isn't as hard as you might think'

Stop Press – feeling proud of your nation is ‘OK’ – official.

I watched the programme on BBC 4 last night. The history, the anatomy, the rock and roll that is Blake and Parry’s ‘Jerusalem’ ….

Some of the great and not so great were rolled out to give their views.

Billy Bragg was on saying how proud it made him feel to be English when he hears it. Thanks Billy mate, I don’t feel such a perv now that you have ‘come out’.

However, there was some real ugly porn on. We had the disgusting and unnecessary spectacle of Mr and Mrs Neil Kinnock round vowelling dark satanic mills for all they were worth. We got a completely unobstructed view of Kinnock’s wobbling epiglottis. It was horrible, it had straggly, wispy ginger hair growing on the sides and loads of freckles on its throbbling, wobbly top.

Pretty soon Billy Bee was back, telling us that being English was OK. "Hey, being English is OK" he said.

Some other people from a gospel choir were on. They said they liked singing ‘Jerusalem’ as they were proud of being British. Then some other people piped up and agreed that Jerusalem was great and meaningful and it reinforced their proud feeling of Britishness.

It pissed me off. I shouted at the telly. "For God’s sake you saddos – rejoice in being English for once in your life. Billy Boy – tell them it’s OK to be proud of being English, mate! Tell them that Neil Kinnock wishes he was an Englishman, so it must be OK"

Some nudists were on – they apparently sing Jerusalem a lot – at carefully choreographed barbecues and the like. They were all fairly oldie, saggy, bulky people sitting buck-naked on those cheap, white plastic garden chairs. They were going on about how great Jerusalem was. I didn’t take much notice of what they were saying. I was too busy looking at what they were sitting on. Would they ever be able to get off those seats? I mean, what’s the suction coefficient between crinkly cellulite and plastic? And what kind of pattern would they have imprinted on their bums?

The W.I. waded in without their cake stalls. Best bit of the programme was the film of them slow hand clapping our glorious leader, Tony Blair for foisting Party Political Bollocks onto them. Years ago, when I saw it for the very first time, it had a profound effect on me. It was the very first time I had ever seen Tone’s sickly, non sincere toothy ‘why don’t they love me’ smirk.

The BNP made an appearance. A bit obvious really. Maybe the BBC were worried they were fermenting a bit too much nationalism….. So a dollop of fascism was chucked in just to make the repressed guilt of the average Englander whole again.

But wait, English Billy’s back – and it’s OK. Proud and English is the new rock and roll. Tony’s mate, Billy Bragg says so. What’s the betting Tony Blair suddenly discovers he wasn’t born into a posh family in Edinburgh at all, but actually in Ealing, just behind a Jerusalem Artichoke stall……

Peter Hain - a cretin with no sense of geography

The Right Hon' Peter Hain, Secretary of State for Northern ireland and Wales has entered the fray concerning the final Ashes cricket test match between England and Australia......

South African Hain, has obviously not yet become aware of the make up of Britain - and the 4, yes four proud and historic constituents of the UK.

When asked about what an England win and the subsequent regaining of the Ashes would mean, Hain enthused "If we can win the Ashes it would be an enormous boost for British sport, particularly for youngsters in cricket"........

Firstly Pete, - what's with the we?
Secondly, it's an England team, not British.

Surprise, surprise… 'DaviesGate' despoils the beautiful game

The story so far….
Power mad maniac, Tony Blair has let it be known that he would like the 2012 Olympics to have a Team UK footy team competing – no matter who objects.

Reaction has been mixed to say the least.
The Scottish FA said to their favourite Son. "Tone, ye canna be serious ye posh power mad twat. We’ve got totally crap players at the moment, so no jocks will get in, we hate the English and the tartan army will hang us from the nearest lamppost from our booloocks if we agree to this insanity."…

The Welsh FA have also been less than enthusiastic – having even worse players than the Scots and hating the English even more than their Celtic cousins. "Play with those English baaaastards? I’d rather shove a prize leek up me arse - pointy end first!"…

So, if the English FA shows just a little bit of solidarity with the other Associations, this mad cap, hair brained, no brain idea would surely hit the Blairworld buffers. FA Chief Exec’ and ugly bastard, David Davies stepped forward with his little bit of paper. Reading from a prepared script, Davies, former cub reporter with BBC’s ‘Look Northwest’ (He used to do the ‘Dog bites man cos he’s a Man U supporter – and the dog dies of Rabies’ stories) knows how to take orders. He enthusiastically says what a very, very good idea it is. How wonderful a concept it is and how it will bring ‘the Country ’together….. Bla, bla bla. Grovel, grovel, grovel….

Every single English football supporter in the country immediately branded Davies, full time idiot, full time creep and full time ugly bastard a vile traitor to the beautiful game. Any credo he and his office possessed was blown out of the water at that precise time. Why should he back such a brain dead concept?

The answer is predictable and obvious and shameful.

Davies is due to jack in his job after the 2006 World Cup. The word in the corridors of power is that he’s getting a job in Whitehall as some sort of hissing Sid advisor. I feel like ringing him up now, right now at FA HQ in Lancaster Gate in London to give him a piece of my mind. Except I can’t. Dave has left the building. At the moment, Davies, full time arse licker and full time ugly bastard is with a high powered Trade delegation to China with his old mate and footy buddy, Tony Blair. Smelly? Absolutely - and I'm not talking horse linament either...

Career projection of former northern cub reporter, David Davies. (post 2006)

2006 - Become PM’s advisor on sport in the UK.
2007 – Get elected onto Board of Nike Sports Inc.
2008 – Head up sports think-tank quango with £500 million budget
2008 - Nike wins England jock strap contract. and unveil jockstrap-line - 'Put your prick in the tick'....
2009 – Win safe Labour seat for Parliament.
2009 – Become Minister of Sport.
2009 - Nike awarded exclusive 'tick' contract. From now on all Gov' policy white papers to have Nike tick logo in top left hand corner - plus strapline - '10 out of 10 from number 10'
2010 – Lecture electorate on the value of ‘Britishness’.
2010 – Resign seat and post to become Euro sports supremo.
2011 – Become Lord Davies of Skull Island.
2012 – Gets stabbed in back by irate England fan whilst watching Team UK footy team lose to Afghanistan in Olympic Games opener.

Slobberchops jumps on bandwagon

Roy Hattersley, former Old Labour has-been, jowly man and prodigious producer of spittle, has come over. Using the astute political sixth sense that all connivers possess, he has suddenly declared his 'Englishness'. Well, Labour's Mr Blob-Dribbley has really gone off message this time........ Are those alarm bells from Labour Spin HQ I can hear in the distance?

‘Britishness’ has been kicked into the same bin as all the Old Labour Party Manifestos as Roy dons his Blighty waistcoat with in-built bib. He’s got his feet and he’s walking on mountains green, sauntering around those dark, satanic mills, whilst looking for his bow of burning gold and a few arrows of desire.

Roy’s gone a bit, funny…. You know, a bit weird. - In short, he’s gone ‘native’. Roy wants England – not Britain or the UK, but England to adopt ‘Jerusalem’ as its very own National anthem.

Amazing. Gobsmackingly amazing.

It’s all there, in black and while on pages 10 and 11 of today’s Daily Mail. It’s an article, written in response to England cricket captain, Michael Vaughan’s call for every Englishman at the Oval to sing ‘Jerusalem’ before the start of Thursday’s final Ashes test.

The Mail, slightly deflates the feeling of nationalism however with a couple of well-intended clangers. The first is the banner on the front page – it has a pic’ of Vaughan, celebrating a previous win. The strap line reads ’Why 'Britain' should sing Jerusalem at 10:25 on Thursday’… This insult is further compounded by a supporting sidebar piece to Hattersley’s, written by a couple of junior hacks. They preface their piece –’Why every English patriot (and, yes that means you Scots and Welsh too) should at 10:25 on Thursday morning sing the words of this glorious hymn’..

They just don’t get it do they? Can you imagine them singing Jerusalem in a pub in Glasgow’s East Side….

Hats off to the ECB, though – they brought in Jerusalem as an unofficial national anthem before England cricket matches last year – since then, it’s grown and grown. The hymn has been spontaneously sung without prompting in all this season’s matches with OZ.

It’s only a matter of time, especially after the barracking and battering that GStQ got at the Millennium Stadium last Saturday when Jerusalem is formally recognised by all English sporting bodies.

The sooner, the better.

Laydeez anda Gentlemen, pleeze be upstanding for the Natinole Antheem…

I'm watching the telly. I've got me beer, I'm nice and cumfy and Becks is leading the boys out to play the Welsh at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I'm feeling proud and confident, "Come on England!"..... and then I'm not. The ‘cushion point’ had arrived. "What the hell is 'the cushion point", I hear you ask. In case you don’t know, it's when you’re watching the telly – and you see something so embarrassing that a quickly grasped cushion held right in front of your face is the only remedy. A quick rendition of ‘tum-te-dum, te-dum, can’t hear, can’t hear’ also helps.

Cushion points happen regularly while watching ‘The X-Factor’, Dale Winton telling a joke, Tony Blair trying to tell the truth – and every time the England football team start to sing the ‘national anthem’.

I hate it, I really do. I hate the fact that David Beckham doesn’t know the words. I hate the way that all the England players puff out their chests in response to this flawed and irrelevant diatribe. I hate the fact that it isn’t the English national anthem – but is the UK model, so why the hell are we singing it?….

Maybe everyone thinks we’re the UK in disguise?

Anyway, something happened that was a bit different this time – the durge that is ‘God Save the Queen’ droned up, Becks puffed out and started to mumble God knows what. It was the cue for 70,000 Welsh people to start booing, hissing and catawalling for all they were worth. Deafening, really deafening. It lasted from the first 'God' to the last monotonous note.

I awaited in vain for some tut-tutting from ‘Boyo’ Barry Cliché, ace Sky-Sports commentator. Predictably, none came. Maybe he was a closet Welshman with a hearing problem?…. More likely it was seen by the media as a bit of 'good humoured' friendly fan-baiting from a fellow home country – a country that we must rejoice in its unique, proud and historic nationhood.

The only time booing a national anthem is a serious insult and verges on racism – is when the England fans do it, obviously.

I initially thought ‘How appalling, how awful, these loyal Welsh subjects actually booing their own UK national anthem…. And then I thought again. I like it, I really do, more divisiveness in the Union. More English people getting the message, no matter how hard the smoke and mirrors men try to hide a country of 50 million souls by sleight of hand. I hope the architects of the great devolution experiment at New Labour Think-Tank Inc. and the blazer brigade at the FA were watching. Who knows, maybe David Davies and co will actually develop spines…. and send David Beckham and the boys the words and music for ‘Jerusalem’.

For all you letter writers to HMG.

Just thought this might interest you when you write to a Government Department/Executive about devolved matters in the UK. I found it in the Department of Constitutional Affairs web site. Have a look at it – you can quote the salient lines from it if you have any trouble from civil servants. It may give more weight to getting a reply from an actual Minister rather than an oily-ragged lacky.

Friday's caption competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and imagine what England footy supremo, David Davies might be thinking while he's trying to work out how he's going to find an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman actually good enough to get into the 2012 Team Britain, Olympic Footy Team.

A quality inflated pig's bladder and an old Roy of the Rovers Annual to the winner.

Sleeping soundly in the knowledge….

The Times has reported that the great and the good in Team UK are going to be A-OK this winter. The people in seats of power – including Dale Winton and Cherie Blair have all been issued with a jagged little pill. Taking it will thus ensure they will be free from the bubonic bird flu virus should it make it to these shores. They’ll be just fine, they’ll have immunity from the deadly effects of the latest pandemic to come out of the hot and sweaty environs of the far east, courtesy of their secret little pill. So while all us ordinary plebeians are falling off our perches, flying into the window and overdosing on cuttlefish, the golden people, the people that really matter will be safe.

Tony, Cherie and the little blairlettes will no doubt be given one each. So will Gordon McChancellor, whisky-sodden Kennedy, fangs Howard and all the rest of the Westminster waffle machine. Rumour has it that all the top knobs in the BBC are to be given one – and this rather laughingly includes radio and TV presenters – presumably from John Humphrys to Dale Winton and everyone in between.

Whoa there tiger. Before you all start rubbing your hands, shouting "huzzah" and wondering when you are going to get your magic little pill, there’s a bit of a problem. Miracle cures aren’t for the likes of ‘you’ – because you’re just not important enough to have one. To put it bluntly, you’re no Dale Winton are you? There is only enough ‘stuff’ to protect 2% of the population of the Country from Bird Flu. That leaves 98% whistling Dixie – including me and my own..

Am I worried? Err, no!
Bird Flu only affects birds don’t it?
And birds have bird ‘brains’ don’t they?
Well I don’t!
(But I bet Blair and his flock do)….

Yes, it’s the Q & A show starring ‘Aitch’ and Matt…..

Fool that I am – (and yes, I really do like banging my head agin a constitutional brick wall) I thought, just for old time sake I should send a quick series of questions to me old pal Matt Cook at Constitutional Affairs HQ.

Matt’s a star, he really is. Well on the way to his brown nosing diploma (first class), a career in Charlie Falconer boot licking is so advanced now I reckon he’ll soon be awarded a Sir Humphreyship before too long….

He sent me an email with all his bits and pieces attached –
Matt Cook
Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate
Strengthening Democracy and Rights
Department for Constitutional Affairs.

So now you know. I certainly do. In previous emails and letters, he was plain old M. Cook, Dept of Const’ Affairs…… But now he’s a big noise in the ‘Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate’ with added strapline! Strengthening Democracy and Rights

Can’t you just feel all that democratic strengthening? Right on Matt!

I’m just having a bit of a swoon here, just knowing that my democracy and rights are being strengthened by ‘Matt’ and his mates is proving a bit too much for my little brain to handle.

So, while I’m trying to recover from my democratic overdose, have a look at my Q and A session with Sir Matt of Brogue-Leather….. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Those people in Ivory Towers Inc are hardly going to agree with an ordinary Tommy Atkins like yours truly….. so maybe you should make a cup of tea instead?

Q1) Can you tell me why devolution for Scotland, Wales and N.I. was seen as an imperative - but when someone like me says that therefore England should have an EQUAL amount of devolution - the establishment start to blather on about pathetic R.A.s.

A1) The Government recognises that demand for directly elected devolved government varies across the UK and the four components of the UK have their own histories and distinct national identities. In addition, all have different administrative structures, size and populations.

The highest priority was given to the creation of a Parliament in Scotland and a National Assembly for Wales, since the demand for decentralisation in these nations was long-standing. Blah, blah, blah...

Summary: Matt. mate, that's precisely the point innit? The Government doesn't recognise anything regarding England - least of all a 'distinct national identity'.

Q2) Why hasn't your department made urgent representations to the ODPM, taking them to task regarding the totally undemocratic and UNELECTED quangos currently populating the 8 'regions' of England and masquerading as popular regional government. (Whether we want them or not).

Don’t the dictatorial actions of the ODPM’s office make an absolute mockery of your department’s rather fanciful and delusional strapline ’Strengthening Democracy and Rights’

A2) Regional Assemblies are voluntary bodies independent of Central Government which were established by local authorities and other regional stakeholders in each English region in the late 1990s. The members of each assembly are wholly selected by bodies within the relevant region. Ministers do not have a role in the process. As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them.

Summary: Lies, damn lies and you're having a laugh aren't you Matt? Two monster porkies: 1)'Ministers do not have a role in the process' and 2)'As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them'. Something in the state of Westminster is very smelly - John Prescott's porky fingers being shoved into every constitutional pie in England

Q3) Don't you agree that the current government has democratically short changed the people of England over the past 8 years. If you disagree, please give me some examples on how England has even got close to the other home countries, constitutionally during the last 8 years.

A3) The role of a civil servant is to answer enquiries from the public and to explain Government policy and programmes on behalf of Ministers. It is not to comment on the Government's policies.

Summary: Matt, watch those splinters mate from sitting on the fence.

Q4) Can you tell me when the constitutional anomalies in England are going to be righted. The current situation is an absolute disgrace. Your constitutional department has failed my country very, very badly. Don't you agree?

A4) You also state that there are constitutional anomalies in England. The aim of devolution is to decentralise power and to allow people to take local decisions on matters such as health. Inevitably this will lead to differences in policy between the devolved administrations themselves, and the rest of the country.

I realise that you feel strongly about these matters, and I hope that this response addresses your concerns.

Summary: Matt Cook, what a tosser you are mate. My advice to you is to buy a pair of balls, borrow an attitude and answer the questions. If not, you can compose a new strapline for your useless, self obsessed organisation – the Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate – something along the lines of ‘England, forever being screwed’

In absentia....

'Aitch the double-you' has mostly been 'Aitch the sick as a dead dog' over the past week or so. Blindling headaches and an aversion to light any stronger than a waning moon have been the monkeys on my back. It felt like someone has embedded a double headed axe into my cranium and was securing it with six inch nails, just for good measure.

I don't know what has been wrong with me - but I'm feeling a bit better now..... Which is just as well, because if anyone else tells me "There's a lot of it going round" I'll throw up all over them.

Bike Tennis……

Do I look like a tennis ball. Do I?
A shuttlecock maybe, but not a tennis ball….
(Although I do bounce a bit when I run)…

Fifteen love, I feel like I’ve just been though a bit of a baseline rally between 2 of the biggest bulls-hitters on the Tour of Britain circuit.

Inspired by Wonko’s whithering witterings, the CEP blog and Toque’s tortuous campaign of terrier like attrition, I thought I’d shove my penny-farthing’s worth in on the bike race debacle that is the Tour of Britain

As others had asked them the questions that cannot be answered, namely why no team England in the race when there are Teams from Wales and Scotland, why is the ‘Sport England’ organisation financing a race that does not include a Team England, etc, etc….. I thought I’d try a different tack – and have a go at the soft underbelly of the hard-nosed Tour of Britain leviathan. One of a concerned father, wanting to go and see the race with my kids and wanting to support an England team. (I’m welling up all ready)….

I write my first ‘ace’ email….

I've just had a look the riders and the teams competing in the Tour of Britain. I've a few observations.

1) I notice that there is no 'England' team in the line up. I'm from England - so are my wife and kids, we may even go and have a look at the race but the fact there is no England team worries me. Who do we support - don't WE deserve to be represented then? Where on earth is Team England?

I notice there is also a Wales, Scotland and Ireland team..... plus a Great Britain team.... but no England. Why? I'm beginning to think that this may be yet another smack in the face for my country. I want to support MY Country - but cannot because MY Country is not there - even though the race is happening primarily on MY Country's soil.

If I were Welsh, Scots or Irish then there doesn't appear to be a problem. Hard luck then if you're English, we'll just have to support the 'Recycle team or the GBR team - is that correct?

2) Also, not one of the riders in the lists appear to come from England. In fact it seems to have disappeared from view on your web site. Tell me, does England exist in the world of cycling - or is it a bit of an embarrassment?

3) Can you confirm that all the riders currently described as coming from GBR in the Great Britain and Recycling teams in fact come from England - and if they do, can you please amend the lists accordingly.

Can you please get back to me as soon as possible with some answers. I just do not understand why not only is there no England team - but the mere fact that none of the riders appear to be described as coming from England either just seems so utterly pathetically petty.

The last time I looked, England was a country in its own right, just like Wales, Scotland and Ireland.... But it appears you have disenfranchised 85% of the UK population - can you suggest which team myself and my family should support?

The guys from the Office of Truth, Tour of Britain HQ got back to me nearly as quick as it took me to read all 3 volumes of Lord of the Rings…

Thank you for your query regarding an English team in the race.

We have to follow the guidelines and rules set down by the UCI, (the international governing body) and British Cycling which, in this case, preclude the England team from participating in the race.

If you have any concerns you might wish to contact British Cycling and relay your query to them and ask them to pass it on to the England Team.

I have, in this email, included the quote from British Cycling to a previous enquiry which can be found in Cycling Weekly: August Edition, which runs as follows:

"The teams represent each federation - there's no English federation, so no team".
Hope this answers your concern.

Well, it bloody doesn’t chummy boy. I return the rather feeble cross-court volley with a wicked top-spin lob to the backhand….

Hello,

Thank you for your email reply. Unfortunately, you didn't answer my other query - which concerned the reason for the nationality of the riders being so very specific on the team lists - apart from those that come from England.

Welsh, Scots and Irish riders - along with everyone else are so described as coming from their respective nations - but not so those that come from 'England'....

They are described as coming from 'GBR"
Not having an England Team is one thing - to deny someone's nationality because of a petty governmental agenda is another.

Can someone please get back to me as to why these English riders from the Recycling and GB Teams are not described as coming from England. It has nothing to do with Cycling Federations at all where someone comes from - nationality is a matter of politics and geography.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Oh dear, they’ve dropped their serve. They’ve dinked their volley straight into the net….

If they are described to us as GBR then that is the description we use, you really need to contact British Cycling to have your query answered. I can only advise you that it is by following the guidelines and rules that enable us to have the Tour in this country. As you have such a strong concern with those guidelines it seems that you need to talk directly to them and I have included their website, telephone number and email with this message.

http://www.bcf.uk.com/
0870 871 2000
larryhickmott@britishcycling.org.uk

Kind regards
Info

I banged off an email to British Cycling, which was much the same as the one I sent to the Tour of Britain goons.

Did they answer? No way. This is what I received from a Mr Philip Ingham…
Thanks for your email - please can you identify your motivation behind asking the question - in particular, do you represent any political grouping and what is your current involvement in cycling.

I feel like a McEnroe tantrum is coming on. I just cannot believe it!!! It’s the pits of the World isn’t it?

What a bloody cheek, he’s obviously a bit freaked out. He sounds a bit hunted, a bit stressed, sort of…..

I calmed down and assured him that I was Jimmy Ordinary – which of course, I am!

He replied – " (Regarding the competitor names and their country identifiers)…..the answer is that I don't know. The listing should actually refer to all home nation riders as GBR (their nationality according to the world governing body). To support that, there's at least one Welsh rider I can see in the GB team who is down correctly as GBR. Think it's probably an admin error on the team sheet and that, I'm afraid, is a Tour of Britain organiser's issue - so back to them if you need a further reply.

Interesting that isn’t it? Mr Ingham seems to think that it’s all a matter of an error in the Admin’ department. Now do I not believe that….. I’m just amazed that he thinks I’m dumb enough to swallow such a whopper.

I’ve banged off another letter to the main ‘Spokes-Person’ at Tour of Britain, Bike HQ….. Just got time to get the Trainer on to give me a quick rub down – and read War and Peace before they get back to me…….

Friday's Caption Competition

Using your skill and judgement and in no more than 25 words, try to imagine just what John 'Lardyarse' Prescott is saying in this keynote speech.......
A 2ib pack of lard will be awarded to the lucky winning entrant.

Channon of the Rovers…..

Hats off to ‘70’s footy star, successful horse trainer and passionate Englishman Mike Channon for calling for Sven’s bald, shiny head to be placed on a smorgasbord after the 4 -1 loss to Denmark.

Channon, the wizard of the after goal windmill celebration was interviewed on BBC FiveLive radio. He launched into a plethora of patriotic righteous indignation, banging in a hat trick of sequential invective - without much prompting from Reg Footy, the interviewing radio anchor….

"The FA should sack that England Manager and send him back to Sweden. He’s a right pain in the arse….. I feel so angry at the way the team played. Sir Alf Ramsey must be spinning in his grave…. All that money wasted by the fans in getting there, the players should feel ashamed and give the fans their money back".

Channon was really not happy. The way he said ‘arrrrrrrrsssssssse’ was something wonderful to hear, in full, surround-sound West Country burr.

There’s no doubt about it, England do have the players and the skill to win next year’s World Cup in Germany. But if they continue to be led by Sven then they will fail because they lack passion and belief.

It seems that after the turnip tenure of Graham Taylor, the Swede Eriksson is in danger of continuing the veggie vagaries of the England managership.

Talking about vegetables in power, I wonder whether Channon thinks John Prescott’s an arrrrrssssssssse as well. (More probably two arrrrrrrrrssssssssses actually)

Phone baiting - I love it! (even more than cricket)

ODPM versus HTW…

I’ve got 5 minutes spare.…. Just time enough for a bit of dumb animal baiting. I dial Prezza Towers, lair of fatboy Prescott and his clack of snivelling hissing Sid clones….

020 7944 4400.....

"Hello, can I speak to someone about some information on your web site?"

(They put me through)

"Hi, I wonder can you help me - in the 'Sustainable Communities' section of the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister’s web site, it says -

"We are committed to thriving, vibrant, sustainable communities. The Sustainable Communities Plan will reach every part of the country."......

"By 'Every part of the Country' - do you mean the UK? Or do you mean England? And if it is England, does that mean the Deputy Prime Minister has recognised that England is a singular, proud and historic nation in its own right – by referring to it as a Country?"

"Ahhhh, right, I see what you mean. No, it doesn’t mean the UK, as Scotland look after there own sustainable community issues – it’s just for England."

"But the text as it is, sort of says that the ODPM has power and influence over the whole of the UK – it is deliberately ambiguous and deliberately misleading to say that his Sustainable Communities Plan will reach every part of the country." When he is only referring to the historic and proud nation of England. Don’t you agree?"

"Yes, I think it needs amending. It’s just not clear – and England obviously is a proud and historic nation – in its own right"….

(almost faint with the shock of it)….

"So you will amend it?"

"I need to speak to my line manager, I’ll get back to you."

"Before you go, can you please ensure that the wording will not be changed to ‘The Sustainable Communities Plan will reach every part of each region."......

"I’ll get back to you"……


DOH verses HTW…..

Still a couple of minutes left – I’ll give the Department of Health another ring seeing that they have totally blanked my original enquiry of a month ago….

020 7210 4850...

"Hi, I wonder if you could help me, I rang last month, but no one has got back to me yet. Health Minister, Rosie Winterton recently stated that the increase in dental check up charges by over 100%, to £15, will in her words "Make the system fairer and simpler." Is that really the case then?

"Yes, most definitely, the system needed sorting out – and we agree that Ms Winterton is correct."

"Well it’s not really correct, is it. Not really strictly speaking correct - or fair. In fact it is really, really unfair. Don’t you agree?

"Well no, I don’t agree at all. Everyone will have to pay – the same. So that makes it fairer."

"Ah-ha! But everyone won’t have to pay the same will they? For some people, it’s fairer, for others it’s not. In Scotland for example, by the year 2007 dental check ups will be free, to every single one living there. Free, gratis and for nothing. Now that is the kind of system that I consider to be ‘simpler’ and ‘fairer’, don’t you agree?"

"But Scotland look after their own…".

"Exactly – Scotland really do look after her own, courtesy of the English taxpayer, mate!"

"As I was saying, Scotland look after their own health affairs, they have done since the ‘dissolution’ of the Scottish Parliament."

"Don’t you mean since ‘devolution’?"

"That’s what I said."

"So to sum up, people in Scotland are going to have a very simple dental check up system – basically free for everyone. People in England are going to have to pay fifteen quid, which is not as simple or as cheap as the Scottish model."

"Well, yes."

"I wonder, can you contact your boss Rosie Winterton and ask her to reissue her statement – something along the lines of. "Increasing the standard charge for a dental health check-up to £15 for people living in England, enables us to subsidise the people of Scotland to an even greater level. Thus enabling their people to have free, gratis and for nothing, dental health checks"….

"I’m sorry, I can’t possibly comment, perhaps you could contact your MP about this injustice"…

"I certainly will do that, maybe you should write to yours as well – and while you’re at it, ask them why we can’t have free prescriptions as will be given as of right to the people of Wales next year…

"Maybe I will".

I reckon, the word is spreading…….

The odds are that the PM is 'pettily vindictive'.

I never thought I’d be offering hat tips toward arch slob, horse-racing pundit and iconic bag lady of fashion, John McCririck.

But after his tribute speech at the funeral of his late friend, Robin Cook I have a sort of grudging admiration for the buffoon of the betting fraternity. He kicked off with the usual reminiscences, the little funnies and horse racing ditties of a long and friendly relationship with Cook - and their joint love of the sport of Kings. Then, oh dear, out of the blue and before you could say ‘Labour Spin Machine’ McCririck went completely off message.

Dressed head to toe in his finest suit of funereal purple and blinged out for all he was worth, and could cram onto his fat, porcine fingers, he turned his double chinned ire onto our glorious leader and his unavoidably enforced absence from the funeral of his former colleague.

Yes, good old Tony Blair, master of the illusion of indispensability – except when he is on his hols, was in absentia and not in Scotland, was too busy turning lobster red to wear mourning black.

Spontaneous applause broke out from Blair’s fellow Scotsmen crowded outside St Giles' Cathedral, Edinburgh as McCririck launched into his rant…….
"What an impressive attendance. But there is one exception and that is the nation’s leader – the Prime Minister. I believe the PM’s snub demonstrates a petty vindictiveness and moral failure, opting to continue snorkelling instead of doing his duty..

A bit of slap in the gob for one of Edinburgh’s finest there, then. But mind you, snorkelling can be a pretty intensive – you need to concentrate ….. Especially after you’ve gone to the trouble of blagging a freebee holiday aboard a luxury yacht, in a hot location somewhere so secret that for the sake of national security and the preservation of the thinning pate of the anointed one, no one knows where. The only clues we have of Blair’s holiday location is that it will be hot, it will be free, it will be a favour returned sometime in the future.

Regarding McCririck’s speech, fatty Prescott, Blair’s moronic lap dog in residence was reported to have been ‘incandescent with rage’. The sly man of Jack Straw was fuming. Gordon ‘Iago’ Brown, said nothing…. Now there’s a surprise.

What amazes me is McCririck should be surprised the glorious leader didn’t bother to turn up for the funeral. The last time Blair packed his dude shorts, sun block and strat’ was last Christmas. He didn’t come back when 350,000 souls were lost to the Boxing Day tsunami – so what chance did the relatives of Robin Cook have of the omnipotent one gracing them with his imperial presence on a dull, rainy August day in Scotland?…

Telly news......

On the telly tonight is the second part of BBC2’s ‘How to start your own country’ - hosted by comedian Danny Wallace. It’s all about Danny declaring a sort of UDI in his very own flat. Tonight, Danny's getting the pomp and circumstance organised for his new country - and I’ve just seen a trailer for it.

Danny was explaining that if you’ve got a new country, which he has, even though it is very small, which it is (the size of his flat) his country still has to have it’s very own Nation anthem.

As Danny reasoned on the trailer, "Every country has it’s own National anthem doesn’t it – and mine’s not going to be an exception"….

Err, Dan me old mate. Not having a national anthem isn’t an exception – In England it’s the rule.

Liberty is blind?

Shami Chakrabarti, Director of Liberty - this fenman is not on her 'to do' list....

Sorry, Shami is far too busy giving interviews, saving human rights and fluttering her big doe-like eyes at the PC BBC camera. Too busy making mountains out of mole-hills and trying to carry the entire disenfranchised of the third world on her caring sharing shoulders. And much, much too busy to be bothered to sort out one H. the Wake’s problems….

Yes hysterical Shami, director of the human rights (for some) organisation, Liberty has given me the old heave ho. She’s blown me out so to speak. She and her organisation just aren’t interested in the denial of my human rights. My original email asked that compared with the other 3 countries of the union, I as an Englishman am being politically disenfranchised because I don’t have a national parliament acting on my behalf.

I thought my arguments were salient, relevant and worthy of at least a considered response. I even quoted some stuff from their very own web site to illustrate the point:

"As it says on your web site you are concerned about 'Equality' and under that heading, your organisation says that :- 'Liberty believes that all people have the right to be treated equally and fairly'........

Well I'm not. Why? Because I do not have a National Parliament to represent me. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland do - but England doesn't, and that cannot be right can it?"

I also gave examples of pernicious favouritism to the populations of the other 3 countries – free prescriptions, free student education etc, etc.

I emailed Liberty ages ago – and am still waiting for a reply. A phone call follow up a few days ago was a total waste of time. Apparently they are only going to act on letters via snail mail – as they were completely overwhelmed by the number of emails they were getting. So I told the lady on the other end of the line that there was a lot of human rights wrongery about….

They told me to re-send my email via Postman Pat.

I’ll keep you posted….. Anyone got a stamp?

Regional wwwhistle stops.....

Just spent a few minutes trawling around those fine windows on the world of democracy – the Regional Assembly web sites. Judging by the all-new, all-fraudulent slogans, they’ve obviously been at the sherry – and brought a few marketing men in from the planet Bullshit.

It looks a bit suss though. Either most of them have been copying off each other – or 40 monkeys, dressed in red braces and patent leather shoes have managed to type out nearly similar strap lines…. Oh, and the complete works of Shakespeare to boot.

For example, first on my tour was the South East RA. Not content with just the one misleading strap-line of ‘The Voice of the Region’ – the main head on the intro states it’s ‘The Representative Voice of the Region’ ..... As if we were in any doubt.

Breathtaking isn’t it?

Anyway, next we fly northwards to the East of England RA web site. This Region does not have a sexy slogan – just a one word ‘Welcome’ to one and all. The marketing men obviously haven’t been here, maybe they don’t like cow shit on their patent leather shoes?

Travelling onwards and upwards to Yorkshire and Humber RA. Ahhh, this is more like it. Trumpet solo please because Y&YRA is ‘The Voice of the Region’ But not only that, the first sentence on the intro proudly proclaims, completely wrongly that ‘Yorkshire and Humber is Britain’s biggest region’. Not according to Prescott and Brussels it ain’t - Scotland is.

Further north is Herron’s tormented target – the North East RA. Slogan? ‘The Voice of the Region’ (obviously)…. Apparently, (so it says on the intro) the Assembly’s unique strength lies in its ‘breadth of representation’. (But not representation of the people though)….

Across to the North West RA – which it incredulously proclaims is ‘England’s Leading Region’… Not content with that major inaccuracy they further compound it with this little porky – ‘The North West Regional Assembly is an inclusive organisation, with representation from local government, business organisations, public sector agencies, education and training bodies, trade unions and co-operatives together with the voluntary and community sector’ ….. A bit too inclusive though to be bothered asking for legitimacy from Mr and Mrs Public?

Down to the Midlands – East Midlands RA is apparently achieving ‘Progress Through Partnerships’, while the West Midland RA is rather bizarrely ‘Speaking out for the Region’… (Not ‘Speaking up for the Region)….

Our final virtual destination is the South West RA – which is surprise, surprise ‘The Voice of the Region’

Looks to me that the marketing boys have been trolling around the country with the same ideas boards…. I reckon a few identical invoices have been flying around… except to the East of England RA that is. The only Assembly without the regulation strap line. I think we should right this wrong, I think we ought to have a competition to think of a suitable strap for the EERA.

We could offer a prize for the winner. Meeting the Chief Exec’? A tour of the Assembly rooms? A chance to chuck rotten eggs at the jumped up little Assembly Hitlers from the public gallery?

I’ll get the ball rolling – The East of England Regional Assembly – it’s diabolical to your liberty.

Someone’s having a laugh….

The Hereward family has just received a letter plus a brand spanking new Direct Debit form through the post from the World Wide Fund for Nature. It’s from a Mr Steve Andrews, Head of WWF Supporter Relations….. Basically, his job is to stop cash from haemorrhaging out of WWF coffers because of their pathetic anti English stance…

Mr Andrews grovels -
"I am writing to you today to offer my help in continuing your regular support of WWF. You may not realise it but your bank has just notified us that your direct debit gift to WWF has stopped, and I am worried that something has gone wrong" ……. Bla, bla, grovel, grovel, sure there has been a misunderstanding, please don’t go, please give us your cash back, etc, etc.

Mr Andrews concludes –
"If you have stopped giving because you think that we don’t value your support, or you’re unhappy with our work, please give us a chance to put that right"…

Yeah right.

I don’t know where to begin. We are getting back to them with a few home (regional) truths. Therefore, the rotweiller, Mrs ‘H’ is going to pen the reply and she’s not too happy. I can promise the said reply will be vitriolic, will be telling Mr Andrews exactly where to shove his Direct Debit form and will be copied on to WWF Chief Executive Robert Napier…

Anyway, for those of you who haven’t seen the brand spanking new ‘improvements’ to the WWF site, you can have a butchers

here.

I personally wouldn’t bother. ‘England’ still isn’t there…. But some alien amorphous blob called ‘WWF English Regions’ is, thoughtfully positioned underneath the alphabetically listed other UK WWFs of Cymru (Wales), Northern Ireland and Scotland. We know our place all right…..

As for the 'Contact Us page' - total amnesia there I'm afraid – Under the heading of
'WWF-UK also encompasses:', WWFs Cymru, Northern Ireland and Scotland are listed, (but not apparently the WWF English Regions)....