Goose-stepping down Berwick High Street......

Letter to the Berwick Advertiser:

Sir/Madam,

The news that Christine Grahame, (a Scottish National Party MSP) wants to 'bring the English town of Berwick-upon-Tweed back into the Scottish fold' and that (Lib Dem MSP) Jeremy Purvis would like to 'annexe up to 20 miles of Northumberland, including Holy Island' - and absorb it all into a greater Scotland, is nothing short of an outrage, worthy of an overly gold-braided banana republic despot. Do Purvis and Grahame intend to park their tanks on Berwick's municipal lawns, parachute a battalion of Highlanders onto the Town Hall roof, goose-step down Berwick High Street and claim the territory for the glorious Scottish Empire?

This outrageous attempt to filch yet another sovereign part of English national territory will not go unchallenged. England is not a cake to be broken up piecemeal and given willy-nilly to anyone who wants a slice. If these two MSP politicians had voiced their aggressive intentions towards any other country other than England, it would quite rightly be viewed by all as a singular act of imperialist expansion, not seen in Western Europe since the days of the Munich agreement.

Berwick has been continuously part of England since 1482 - a full decade before Christopher Columbus discovered America. As Scotland's 'claim' on Berwick is historical, does it mean that Purvis and Grahame will next be pressing for the USA to be handed back to native Americans? Perhaps they would like to give the Western Isles of Scotland back to Norway - and the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria to once again stretch all the way up to its original northern boundary of Edinburgh? Or is their view of history somewhat 'selective'?

These pathetic 'grass is greener' mind games with the people of Berwick will backfire. The pressure within England is ever growing for constitutional change. The last few opinion polls have shown over 60% of people in England in favour of an English Parliament. Dissatisfaction within England at the size of the Barnett Formula contribution to Scotland will grow and grow until bugetary reform becomes inevitable. And when it does, do you think Scotland will still be able to afford all the goodies they can now?

Sooner rather than later, the Barnett Formula bonanza will be scrapped, and when it is, there will be no doubt which side of the border will benefit. Instead of shipping billions to Scotland, taxes raised in England will once again be spent on public services for the benefit of the people of England - including those in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I suggest that Purvis and Grahame mind their own damn business, get on with the job of being Members of the Scottish Parliament, representing their Scottish constituents - and leave the business of England to the people of England. And as for the people of Berwick? Join the English Democrats - a party campaigning for an English Parliament and an end to the Barnett Formula. The sooner England has her own national parliament - the sooner we can take control of our own affairs.... and the sooner the people of England, including those in Berwick will reap the financial rewards.

England - another word for 'have nottery'

Question: What does England not have that all these other countries and territories do have?..... (answer at the bottom of the list)

THE 'HAVES'
Acadia, Afghanistan, Åland, African Union, Albania, Algeria, Alsace, American Samoa, Andalusia, Andorra, Angola, Anguilla, Antigua and Barbuda, Aragon, Argentina, Armenia, Aruba, Assyria, Asturias, Australia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Azores, The Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Basque Country, Bavaria, Belarus, Belarusian People's Republic, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bermuda, Bhutan, Biafra, Bolivia, Bonaire Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brittany, Brunei, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Canary Islands Cape Verde, Catalonia, Cayman Islands, Central African Republic, Chad, Chechnya, Chile, China, People's Republic of, China, Republic of (Taiwan), Colombia, Comoros, Confederate States of America, Congo, Democratic Republic of, Congo, Republic of, Cook Islands, Corsica, Costa Rica, Côte d'Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Curaçao, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, East Timor, East Turkistan, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Esperantio, Estonia, Ethiopia, European Union, Faroe Islands, Falkland Islands, Fiji, Finland, Flanders, France, Frisia, Galicia, Gabon, The Gambia, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Gibraltar, Greece, Greenland, Grenada, Groningen, Guam, Guatemala, Guernsey, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Hawaii, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Isle of Man, Israel, Italy, Ivory Coast, Jamaica, Japan, Jersey, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, North Korea, South Korea, Kurdistan and the Kurdistan Autonomous Region of Iraq, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Liechtenstein,, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Republic of, Madagascar, Madeira, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Mallorca, Malta, Manchukuo, Marshall Islands, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Federated States of Micronesia, Moldova, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Montserrat, Moravia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Nagorno-Karabakh, Namibia, Nauru, Nepal, The Netherlands, Netherlands Antilles, Newfoundland, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Niue, North Korea, Northern Cyprus, Norway, Occitania, Oman, Pakistan, Palau, Palestine, Panama, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Persia, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Qatar, Republika Srpska, Réunion, Rhodesia, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, St. Kitts and Nevis, Saint Helena, Saint Lucia, Saint-Martin/Sint-Maarten, Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, San Marino, São Tomé and Príncipe, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Senegal, Serbia, Serbia and Montenegro, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Taiwan, Tajikistan, Tanzania, Tatarstan, Thailand, Togo, Tonga, Transnistria, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Tuva, Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, United States, Upper Volta, Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Vatican City, Venezuela, Vietnam, Virgin Islands, British, Virgin Islands, U.S., Wales, Wallonia, Yemen, Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Zambia Zimbabwe.

THE 'HAVE NOT'
England.

Answer: The 'haves' all have their own national Anthem of course!

Miliband - This simply will not do. 1 out of 10. See me for double detention.

Dave Miliband, the Davie-no-mates creepy kid in the posh blazer, has been opening his mouth again. Not this time to suck up to Sir, or to report Balls E again for smoking behind the Speaker's Chair.... No, this time, Dave has got a bigger picture to occupy his brain cell - he's discovered 'a cause'

Dave has binned his 'I-Spy book of Interesting Tree Shapes', the 'Train-Spotters Gazette' and the 'How to Speak Klingon in 12 Easy Lessons' correspondence course in favour of a new and far more all-consuming passion....

Yes, the Rev' Dave has committed to bringing Nu Labour branded democracy to the world's huddled unfortunates. Democracy is going to be rolled out across the globe - with force if nessecary, whether they want it or not. All very laudable Dave, but shouldn't this religious zeal for goody-two-shoededness be thought through a bit more before you go shooting your gob off?

Before you go yomping around the world shoving your nose into other people's politics - how about giving the people of England a bit of democracy, first?

Dear Jeremy Purvis MSP....

I read about your desire to annexe up to 20 miles of northern England and deliver it free, gratis and for nothing, to Scotland in the Sunday Post yesterday. Don't you need tanks on the lawn, jackboots, a very large peaked cap, half a ton of nice medals and 50 yards of gold braid to do that?

Or is this yet another case of a Scots political representative shoving his nose into English affairs?.... Gordon Brown, Wee Duggie Alexander, Gorbals Mick - and now Jeremy Purvis, MSP.

Instead of making cheap headlines, maybe you could mind your own damn business - and do the job that I, as an English taxpayer are paying you for! Better still, maybe you could ask your uber boss, Nick Clegg why he doesn't support an English Parliament. You know, 'England' - that place with 50 million souls that is the only nation in Europe without any national representation....

And if we are talking about restoring 'historical boundaries' then I suggest the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria be given back all the land up to Edinburgh forthwith. What do you think, Mr Purvis - maybe you could start campaigning for that as your next pet project?

Alfred the OK.
The nation of England

Lord Falconer and the West Lothian Question....

They came from far and wide to listen. Gathering Wednesday night, 6:30 sharp in Committee Room 10, at the House of Commons to listen to the debate sponsored by the Hansard Society - Is the West Lothian Question unanswerable?

We'd travelled down from the North West of England - 4 of us in the car, the furthest of our number coming from Carlisle, over 300 miles from London.

Gathering outside the best club in town and following an intrusive touchy-feely search of my man vegetables by a purple gloved prophylactic-clad police officer, we entered the holy of holies, largesse central - the Palace of Westminster. What a fantastic building! Awesome architecture and sheer presence of stoneware is a heady mixture.... I have to say, I was totally gobsmacked at the grandeur of it all. It couldn't last. I was soon brought down to earth and the grinding reality of why we were there in the first place as the plodding baggage of Charles Clarke frumped past our throng.

Clarke really does cut a rather pathetically podgy figure nowadays. Charlie-no mates and his big wobbly shiny-trousered backside disappeared from view, barely acknowledging our questions about the possibility of us ever having an English Parliament.

Bang on time we were invited into Committee Room 10. This was not the original venue - they had to rearrange to a much bigger room due to the huge amount of interest. The place was packed - notable audience attendees included Tory MP, Sir George Young, Robin Tilbrook EDP chair, Mike Knowles from the CEP and UKIP man Mr Campbell Bannerman. There was also a creditable crew of EDP, CEP and patriotic foot soldiers present. All looked to the top table for the protagonists to appear.

First to show was former Gordon Brown girlfriend and debate anchor, Sheena MacDonald. Tory Grandee and Grand Committee obssessive, Sir Malcolm Rifkind soon followed. All eyes levelled towards the swing doors waiting for the supposed political heavyweight of the Falconer-man to show.

We waited. And waited....... And waited some more.

Sheena apologised for Falconer's disregard. The audience grew restless - afterall, some of us had travelled 300 miles to be there. We'd made it - but the fat control freak hadn't... True to form, Falconer was showing the utmost contempt to the people of England...... Suddenly, the swing doors burst open and the bloated, sweating, visceral Mr Blobbied form of the Lord Falconer lurched into the room. Grand entrance it wasn't. Shambolic, disorganised and loud, it most certainly was.

The heaving, gasping sweaty mess of fat, badly fitting clothing and delusions of adequecy collapsed onto the desk next to Sheena. Sir Malcolm grinned. His alter-ego was bursting to get out - tweed skirt, sensible cardy and arrogant sneer..... Yes, Miss Jean Brodie in her prime was a morphed reality. In his mind, Rifkind was the creme de la creme and Falconer was Billy Bunter, the duffer from the lower 4th remove....

As Falconer was a nanosecond away from a coronary, Sheena thought it best that Miss Jean Rifkind should start the proceedings. He started. He boomed his shrill Brodie brogue. "Grand Committee" was the answer according to Sir Malc. It was "sensible, elegant, and right for England and the Union"..... The heckling started. Sir Malc tried to big-up the amazing nobility of the Union, apparently, for the last 300 years we have been"punching above our weight", "we like each other", "we get on"........ "however, if something is not done, English members of Parliament will not put up with it much longer"........ Sir Malc' obviously knows a few English MPs with backbones then?.

It was predictable Tory unionist stuff. Completely unworkable, obviously - but hey what did we expect? And anyway, Rifkind was merely the sideshow, the main act, the Falconer was about to take the stage.

He got up. The wheels fell off - or rather, the tail flaps of his hand-made shirt and 3 stone of concentrated gut-lard flopped out. Freed from the constraints of his straining belt, he struggled like a fat man possessed to get everything tucked away again. Charlie Falconer, the man with the most ill-describing surname since 'Tiny Littletodge' the legendary and massively endowed porn star - looked awful. Sweating top lip, jowls to the power of ten and comedy hair - the trinity of dishevelment was there for all to see. He gave up trying to stuff his flabby bits away. They'd made their bolt for freedom and there was no way they were going to get up close and personal with Charlie's Y-Fronts ever again... The tail of his shirt hung like a white flag of surrender as he went into his trying to 'defend the indefensible' routine.

"England accounts for over 80% of the population of UK",...... "To give England a Parliament would be a disaster for the Union"....... The heckling went into frenzy mode. Falconer, flustering on regulo 12 by now, decided to play his ace..... and what an ace it was....

"Look, if England got its own Parliament, and the Union broke up.... what would happen to all the Scottish people living in England - and all the English people living in Scotland?"....

The heckling stopped - stunned. What was this overblown, overpaid, overpensioned and overweight buffoon going on about? Was he saying that all these people would be expelled back to their native countries because England got a little national democracy? Yes he was.... A collective moan of "For God's sake" rose from the audience..... Just then, the man who had travelled from Carlisle shouted out "What the hell are you talking about - what about the 400,000 French people living in London?"

Falconer gurned like a fish miming to the Sound of Silence..... Nothing came out.

It was all downhill for Falconer from then on. After the gem of gems - a killer line that any 8 year-old would have been proud of had passed his lips, his 'credibility-o-meter' was in freefall.

Just then, smooth Sheena, the girl with all the facts at her fingertips tried to rescue the drowning Falconer..... "Well, as you are the Lord Chancellor..." Thankfully, the informed audience interrupted her banal question and put her right. Falconer was no longer LC - he'd been kicked out by her ex-boyfriend in number 10 - not only that, his pension had been brought down from 'Absolutely Obscene' to the more respectable 'Bloody Outrageous' level by the Prudence man himself.

The ex-Lord Chancellor flopped down into his reinforced seat - exhausted, exasperated and expendable. So that was it, was it?

Charlie Falconer, supposedly, the most forensic, most brilliant legal mind since Perry Mason on a very smarty-pants day, had delivered his answer to 'the question'..... Well actually, he hadn't. Sheena turned to the gasping form on her right and said to him - "So, what's the answer to the WLQ then, Lord Falconer?"

Falconer wobbled into action. Arms whirred, Perry Mason 2008 vintage, parading to the expectant throng.... "I put it to you that the answer, the answer to the West Lothian Question is .... to do nothing - just leave it as it is"...

Two hundred pairs of eyes fixed on him. Could he feel the hatred directed at this bombastic has-been? In less civilised lands, Falconer would have been dragged out by his shirt-tails there and then, and hung from the nearest lamp post as the price for his obscene arrogance.

The Q and A's started...... Well, not really. The questions rained in - unfortunately the answers were totally inadequate - they mostly answered questions that weren't asked. But then, just when I'm beginning to lose the fight to resist jumping the desk and beating Falconer to within an inch of his pension, someone got up and asked the great white effer if he thought that England was a country in its own right?

"Of course, England plainly is a nation"..... A few fainted, a few went mad. Falconer admits England is a nation - shock!

The heckling was really starting to take off as the answers went ever weirder. Our little enclave, just over an extended punching distance from the top table was beginning to get a reputation. Sheena distained at us from over her bi-focals, Sir Malc' beaded his beady eye on us, Falconer occasionally flicked a gob of sweat over in our direction - we were cut adrift from the people allowed to ask a question. The minder from the Hansard Society turned to us and said "Ssshhhhhh!!!"

Quick as a flash, my esteemed colleague mentally flipped through his book of witty retorts....... "No, you shush, yourself!" he said. And she did.

Brilliant or what?

Anyway, having well and truly shushed our adversary to silence with a bit of northern wit, we were free to go into turbo-heckle mode.

Falconer simply would not, could not admit that the fairest actions to take would be to let the people of England decide via a referendum.... just like the good folk of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland had.... His retort was constantly to tell us to get voted in through the ballot box.

And strangely - and ever so predictably, towards the end, a few Irish and Scots got up to proclaim that the union was too important to mess with..... Some public schoolboy in a maroon blazer got up, proclaimed he was a Unionist - then did a right good impression of Tony Blair aged 14 and three quarters. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that this kid was little Lord Falconeroy - a mini-me ringer for his voluminous Dad... Another bloke got up and said he was from Yorkshire (why are they always from Yorkshire?) and that all the people who wanted an English Parliament were a load of 'nutters'.....Hmmmmmmm.

Finally, as if to bond us all together into a great big You-Kay family of fabness, Sheena revealed that her Dad came from Scotland but her Mum was from the South West..... Sir Malcolm nodded sagely - why; his Mum came from Scotland and his Dad came from Yorkshire - the audience hissed. They both blinked. They just didn't understand did they? That last frippery, that last attempt to try and show us that we are all brothers with UK DNA coursing through our veins massively backfired - but they didn't know why.... In spite of their protestations, they still viewed Scotland as a nation and England as a shovel of regions.....

And then they were gone. Sir Malc' shoved his papers into his slim-line brief case - the Falconer tried to shovel his gut back into his trousers...

We meandered out into the passageway. I wondered if Sheena, Falconer and Sir Malcolm were even now in some mega-subsidised parliamentary bar aptly named 'The Gravy Train', drinking their subsidised gee and tees, slapping each other's backs and wondering if they had got away with it. Got away with the deception that they were supposed to be from opposite ends of the night's proposition, when all along we knew they were there purely to maintain the status quo - to keep the new Brit order of English emasculation and Scottish empowerment....

"Well Sheena and Malcolm, I think we got away with that OK, don't you?... Bottoms up"

My daydream was interrupted as 'Wee Duggie' Alexander almost walked into me. He smiled and said "Helloo" and hurried into the chamber.. Wow, Wee Duggie - he's usually residing in Gordon's top pocket isn't he? Paul Murphy, new Welsh Secretary and 'regions of England' champion wandered past.... him and Duggie were obviously rushing into the lobby to vote on another piece of English-only legislation.

We walked into Westminster Hall and stood on the exact same spot where Charles the first (hey, another Scot!) received the news from his regicide accusers that they were going to remove 15 lbs of useless fat from his Royal personage. We gazed up to look at the truly fantastic hammer-beamed roof. Amazing, something English, made by Englishmen that the powers-that-be hadn't yet destroyed or sold to America. We clicked through the security gate and onto the street. A man walked past us wearing an expensive camel coat. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders - it was, well sort of. The deaths of thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of British soldiers are directly due to his opinion that the Iraq war was legal..... I mumbled something under my breath in his direction - he didn't respond. No doubt he'd heard it all before. Lord Goldsmith wended his sad and lonely way home

Over the road, we went to the Red Lion pub, had a few scoops of IPA then decided to make for the car. We wished our fellow patriots best wishes and strolled towards the car park under Parliament green. Sauntering past a bus stop, we came across a whizened old ginger nutted politician waiting for his ride home. He looked pathetic, and very, very 'worse for wear'. He shouted over to me - "Hellooo there, to you!"

Yes, Charles Kennedy looked as if he had fallen on very hard times. One of our group started to question him about the nation of England and the prospects of a parliament for our country.....

I walked off, full of resolve. Things really do have to change - the donkeys at Westminster need to know that the nation of England ain't happy. This year.... they willl find out.

Alfie the Well Irritated versus Fatty Falconer and the Comb-over Kid at the House of Lards...

Good versus a tubby Weevil..

Today's the day. The day when 'Alfie the really pissed' goes head-to-head with the his royal Lardyness, Lord Falconer - former Lord Chancellor, bezzy mate of Tony Blair, founder member of the Scottish Raj and all round enemy of English democracy (and friend of pork pies... burgers... and lard)....

The match-up will happen at the House of Lords in a debate about the West Lothian Question - and how it can be solved (English Parliament is obviously not in M'lud's lexicon of answers) . Predictably, as the subject is all about the political emasculation of the English, the panel is 100% Scots (Malcolm Rifkind, the man with the worst Shredded Wheat combover in Westminster will be joining the Lard Falconer on stage). Chairing the debate will be Sheena MacDonald, former girlfriend of Gordon Brown - and yet another Scottish person...

If anyone is going along to the debate, I'll see you there. You'll easily recognise me, I'll be the one foaming at the mouth....

Terry Butcher gets confused....

Terry Butcher, that great big cartoony Englishman - you know, the guy who bleeds for his country is about to become the
Assistant to new Scottish footy manager, George Burley. I have no problem with that - and obviously, when he takes the job, he will be rooting for the boys from the north. Fair enough.

The one thing I do have a problem with is this quote from Tel regarding a possible Scotland v England meeting...

"I'd want England to lose in that situation. But if it came to singing the national anthems I'd probably sing both".

Errr, Tel, baby, no you wouldn't. - You'd only be singing one national anthem - the Scottish one.... because England isn't deemed sufficiently anthemy enough to warrant one.

Welsh full-time, Scottish part-time, English no-time...

Now that Peter Hain has belatedly fallen on his sword, we can be sure of two things. One, the future is no longer orange - and two, Gordon Brown's consequential Cabinet reshuffle has upset some Scots.

The chatter from some folk north of the border today is all about how Scotland has been slighted by their Kirkcaldy boy. His hasty reshuffle has given the Welsh portfolio to Paul Murphy - but Hain used to do two jobs, Secretary of State for Work & Pensions and Welsh Secretary. In effect, secretarying for Wales was a bit of a part-time activity for Hain - but now Murphy will be doing the job, full time.

Unfortunately, the job of Secretary of State for Scotland is still being done by a part timer, in the rotund form of Dour Des Browne. He splits the Scottish portfolio with his busy role of Secretary of State for Defence - so you can understand why some Scots are feeling just a tad ignored.... I mean, population wise, they're over twice as big as Wales, so you would think they should be worth a full 40 hours a week's attention from someone in the Cabinet?....

But if the Scots feel insulted because they only have a part timer as a Minister - how do you think the English feel having a 'no timer' in Cabinet? No 'Secretary of State for England' for us! Mind you, if Gordon were ever to chance upon the road to Damascus, discover some fairness and actually give us some national recognition, I'm sort of betting that the new and sexy post of English Secretary would be filled by Duggie Alexander, Alistair Darling or even Dessie Browne....... (Well, you wouldn't expect the post of English Secretary to be trusted to an English person, would you?)

"Get down Shep, and go and attack that Scotsman"...

Blue Peter was on the telly last night - it was presenter Konnie Huq's last show before she goes off to do lots of toadying for BBC-New Labour Productions (more about that, tomorrow).

The programme almost ended, and a few filmed tributes from past presenters and z-listers were being aired. One by one, the talentless former presenters voxed their tributes to Huq.... "Brilliant" ...."Fantastic" ....."Talented" ...."Blah, blah, blah"..

Then Matt Lucas popped up, as did Vic Reeves. They both luvvie-gushed for all they were worth. At the end of the 'tribute-porn' section, the biggest z-lister of them smirked into view. There he was, capped teeth, botoxed forehead, sincerity stamped all over his insincere face, smirking for Britain...... Gordon Brown, Prime Minister and Blue Peter fan, apparently.

"Konnie, thanks for everything you've done, you've done brilliantly.... Wish you all the best in the future and thank you from all the viewers of Blue Peter"...

Sickening. I mean, is nowhere safe from Gordon Brown's smirking boat? Biddy Baxter would never have allowed it. Is he after a Blue Peter badge or what?

Watching him smirk the smirk, wanting to shove one of my size fourteens straight through the screen, I started to think of creative and novel uses for sticky-backed plastic, bog tubes, a couple of Sqeezy bottles and a 'How to make an AK-47 from everyday household objects in one easy lesson' instruction book....

Gordon, here's one I made earlier.....

Does Scotland get its fair share?

Well, what do you think?
Does it?
Personally, I reckon the title should read -
'Does Scotland get more than its fair share?'.....

I should cocoa.

But being that the headline came from a story on the BBC website, publicising a radio piece, you don't think that the organ that has a slogan which proclaims 'Nation Shall Speak Peace Unto Nation' - but really means 'Mouthpiece of the Westminster Establishment' would say it as it actually is do you?

The first four paragraphs in the piece tells you all you need to know about how the BBC sees England - and how subservient they are to the mushroom principle as instructed by the Brown Gestapo.

'Free university tuition, free personal care for the elderly, free prescriptions on the way. Has Scotland become the land of the free at the expense of Britain's other nations and regions?

Ruth Olifant studies anthropology at Aberdeen University. She and her English friend Anna have to pay tuition fees capped at £3,000 per year, unlike their Scottish friend, Annie.

Ruth says: "It does feel a bit unfair sometimes. It's absolutely essential that I work so I can survive, really, because you have this extra burden, this extra debt."

Anna is more resigned: "Scotland is a separate country, it has separate powers. Obviously I'd like to not pay fees - that would be fantastic but you can't brew about it." '

Oh, can't you Anna?

It reads like a Janet and John book, and I find both the web report and the programme deeply offensive. All summed up by this pathetic piece of puppy dog journo' babble -

'What angers MPs representing English regions is the system by which money is allocated to the Scottish Parliament - not by tax revenue but by something called the Barnett Formula'.

By something called 'the Barnett Formula', children. It's a sort of gift that the English people who don't have a country give to the clever, chippy people who wear skirts and eat deep fried Mars bars alot.....

Woodward and Bernstein, it ain't. MPs don't represent English Regions, they represent English constituencies - constituencies in England, don't they?

The BBC's obsession with the renaming of my country as 'the English regions' has really teed me off. The shambolic amateurism of the piece is par for the course, and it really does have to stop. I'm bloody fed up with all the constant rewriting of geography, history and honesty, courtesy of the BBC and its Ministry of Truth Division. Therefore, within the next day or two a campaign will be started to show these fantasists up for what they are - a bunch of lying toerags.

The CPRE - England's only hope?....

OK the gloves are off.

It's the people of England versus the occupying forces of Gordon Brown and his determination to ruin our country beneath a concretion of houses, more houses, nuclear power stations, runways, reservoirs and even more houses.

This man and his trowel simply has to be stopped.... right now. And there are two ways to do it - we can grab hold of his theodolite and shove it where the Sun don't shine - or we can act together. The people of England need to wake up from their New Labour induced comfort zone and get protesting before their birthright, the English countryside is turned into Airstrip One meets Barratt Homes meets Nuclear Holocaust.

Can I implore every patriotic English person out there to join the Campaign for the Protection of Rural England (CPRE). Being a body that fights for the rights of natural England it is obviously not state supported - so they are desperate for money to enable them to fight for England. I don't want my kids to grow up in the world's first coast-to-coast concrete country - and I bet you don't either.

They are currently mounting many campaigns around the country against the Government's draconian building programme. A couple of note are campaigning to get a larger part of the South Downs declared a National Park and fighting the huge housing plans for the West Midlands.

Join the CPRE, tell your friends, blog about their work - and help to fight for England before our green and pleasant becomes more Brown and nasty than it already is.

Before it is too late

UPDATE - I have also rung the CPRE - primarily to let them know about the Witanagemot Club - and the ever growing band of online English Patriots.

They were very suspicious and cagey..... I ranted. "Time to defend England! You know, against 3 million new houses, nuclear power stations, etc, etc..." The guy I talked to says they have a blog - I advised him most strongly to get the blog and the cause more visible by joining the Witanagemot Club.

The future is not orange, hopefully, it's not Brown, either...

Peter Hain, looking determined as he fights for his political life.

Peter Hain is fighting to keep his political gonads, luxury lifestyle and complimentary tickets for the 'Club St Tropez' tanning salon. Apparently, the Golden Vision had forgotten to declare 103 grand of election funding to the powers that be. Typically arrogant - and with his usual Vainity, Hain has vowed to continue, citing 'pressure of work' and 'administrative errors' for the cock up.

Meanwhile, in Brown Towers, the Scottish granite bites his nails, swears a lot and curses Tony Blair for all his current ills. The great clunking fist is in a white knuckled fury as another one of his cabal of mundanity sticks the boot into his credibility. He frets, he swears, he hesitates.... and in the end, it will do for Brown, the man who cannot make a decision to save his political life....

GMTV - shamefully manipulating history.....

GMTV have duff information. They must have, why else would they get the date of Shakespeare's birthday so wrong? As first reported here, GMTV are conducting a bit of a campaign about another Bank holiday for Britain.

They have suggested 'Beatles Day', 'Diana Day', 'British Forces Day', or 'Shakespeare Day'...... Along with their suggestions they have thoughtfully put forward a suitable date for the celebration.

According to GMTV, Shakespeare Day should be celebrated on the 21st April... which is a bit weird don't you think? Especially as his birthday and the day of his death is the 23rd April.

So why would GMTV do that? Why would they suggest a date just 2 days away from the Bard's ultimate day...... If you want to celebrate Shakespeare then the day to celebrate him is the 23rd, isn't it?

"Hmmm, forsooth, Horatio, methinks something is afoot. Could there be yet another dastardly government plot to rewrite history?". Do you think that it just could be that if GMTV suggested the 23rd April it might, just might, then be conflated into a Shakespeare, St George's, English Day? Do you reckon they've had someone whispering in their ear?

Ooooh, 'eck. The English supporting English culture eh? The very idea, that would never do, would it?

Durrrrrrrr, English MPs suddenly find out, 'NICE'... aren't.

The great pig-troughing, self-congratulatory, waistline-busting blob of supine-excess that is the membership of 'Club-Crap 500' (English MPs at Westminster) have sort of suddenly realised that English people are getting a bit of a shabby deal on the drugs front...

A super-duper special Select Committee has worked out that 'NICE' are actually not nice at all. In fact they've been found bang to rights as being penny-pinching and vindictive to English people....

"The select committee found the rationing body was denying potentially life-saving drugs to hundreds of English people by taking much longer to approve them than its Scottish equivalent.

NICE was also criticised for actually turning down life-saving drugs that are available in Scotland".

So why has it taken so long for that shower to 'fess up and admit that 50 million people have been shafted? Maybe they were fooled by the 'NICE' bit? If so, maybe they should take a closer look at 'SAFE AS HOUSES' - the independent watchdog for the nuclear industry and 'CUDDLY' - the people who look after freed sex offenders?..

And I'm not too sure about Gordon Brown's little baby - The Campaign to Unify the Nation, Today.

Joined up thinking....

You really do have to give total respect to this government, don't you? Their single-minded Stalinist vindictiveness knows no bounds in their obssession to do what they think is right for 'the country'- no matter what the cost to its people...

Take yesterday's Cabinet decision to build 20 new nuclear power stations 'across the country in order to meet the energy needs of the UK well into the century', for instance.

It's the end-game in a long line of cynical manouveuring and mis-information designed to make the little inconveniences that are the nimby awkward-squads of England go away forever. Obviously Alex and Rhodri have robustly declared to the people who elected them that no new nuclear installations will be built on their hallowed celtic sods - so Ministers have gone into England default mode. - 'The country' needs them, so 'the country' will have to have them built, no matter what the cost...... And as we all know, 'the country' = England.

How to get your power stations built - an easy step by step guide to nuclear delivery.

1) Instigate an Energy Review - ensure that it comes up with the 'right result'. And if a Judge cries "foul" - 'Nuclear Review was misleading. 'A judge ruled that the consultation process before the decision last year had been "misleading", "seriously flawed" and "procedurally unfair". simply ignore it and plough ahead.

2) Having ignored the nosy Judge and the interfering hippies at Greenpeace, Darling, the then Minister responsible proclaimed - "The government had reached a preliminary view that it would be in the public interest to allow energy companies to invest in nuclear power".

3) Bring in a 'Planning Reform Bill' (England only, obviously) As the Parliamentary blurb puts it - Calls for the establishment of a new separate planning system for major infrastructure projects and simplifying the planning system for minor home improvements. In many cases formal planning permission will no longer be required. Applies to England.

For all you lovers of the language, the 3 key words here are 'Seperate' (it won't be), 'Simplifying' (projects will be railroaded through) and 'England' (dustbin of the UK).

4) Announce your new nukes. Job done.

5) Oh, and finally - make sure that the people of England have other things to think about.

But just hang on a mo' there matey boy, there's a hell of a lot of nuclear waste languishing around already, isn't there? So where the hell are we going to shove the tonnes of glowing stuff that we already have? Where should it go..... well where do you think? Obviously, it's got to go somewhere in 'the country', hasn't it?

In 2006, David Miliband the then Minister responsible, loftily proclaimed that he would invited councils to bid for the bright green poisoned chalice. If they agreed to take it; you know, that's the stuff that will remain radioactive for the next 100,000 years, then they would be hansomely rewarded with a bribe of a few million quid. As the Daily Telegraph reported at the time,

Around a third of the land in the UK is thought to be geologically suitable for this purpose. Most experts believe that a single repository could only be sited in England, as Scottish and Welsh communities would be likely to resent English waste being dumped on them.

Good job Scotland and Wales are not in 'the country' then.

And after 'much searching' the usual supine suspects at Copeland Council have taken the 30 pieces of glowing silver. 75 million quid to be precise, for nearly a 100,000 lifetimes of hot potato stewardship..... to say they have been bought cheaply is a bit of an understatement. For anyone who doesn't know, Copeland is amazingly within England..... what a surprise.

And what of our fine elected body of over 500 English MPs. What are they doing to try and stop the unfettered desecration of the jewel in a silver sea that is England? Well, obviously, they're too busy filling in their expenses claims, voting through nice gold-plated pensions for themselves and sitting on their superannuated arses to be bothered.

West Lothian debate at the House of Lords..... (I'll be there, will you?)

There's a public debate next February at the House of Lords. It's all about the West Lothian Question - and how it can be answered.......... So who do you reckon they have asked to speak at the event?

You know what? I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask - it's bloody obvious isn't it?

When you need to debate an issue which specifically and vindictively persecutes 50 million people in England, you just know that the best thing to do is to invite two Scotsmen onstage to give us the benefit of their experience and no doubt tell us what's good for us - and what we should be happy with.........

The debate, 'Is the West Lothian Question unanswerable' has been organised by the Hansard Society. The two protagonists are Sir Malcolm Rifkind and Lord Charlie Falconer.

Oh, and just for good measure, Sheena MacDonald (yet another Scot) will be chairing the debate.....

I will be attending the debate in my capacity as a downtrodden English person. And like any downtrodden English person, I shall be mostly extremely gobby with Mal and especially with Chaz during the Q and A session -

If any other downtrodden English people are interested in attending - you can apply online via the above link...... but be warned, Falconer is mine.

Nick Clegg tells his first porky?

Cameron clone, Nick Clegg has duly morphed his young'n'trendyness into enough votes to beat the stuffed shirt that is Nick Huhne for the LibDem leadership.

With his 'massive' LibDem rank and file majority of 500 votes, Clegg shook the hand of the seething and vanquished Huhne (I reckon a job shadowing the Westminster bog cleaning rota beckons for Chris)- and turned to the audience to deliver his first 'my politics is going to be different' speech.

There he stood, four square and square jawed. The almost massed ranks of the Press, the adoring cadre of his Team-Clegg support and a whole battalion of former failed LibDem leaders sat there, baited breathed, waiting for Clegg to deliver his new brand of honest politics to a weary country.....

"New type of politics.... blah, blah, blah.... putting honesty back.... blah, blah, blah.... our contract of trust with the electorate"....

And then he was finished. The new broom, the new honest Joe had said what was needed to be said. Triumphantly, Emporio Cleggy waved to the adoring masses. Everyone stood up and clapped for LibDemmery - even Ming Campbell once Kennedy had woken him up with a sharp elbow to the ribs...

Up stepped Radio 4 anchorman, Edddie Mair to do a quick interview with the new broom of honesty. Honest Cleggy went into honesty-overdrive, fielding the questions with a vague honest confidence that goes with the job of leading a party that will always be bit-part players.

But wait, Mair had an ace up his sleeve. His last question to Clegg concerned the BBC ban on the words 'faggot' and 'slut' in the seasonal song 'Fairytale in New York' by the Pogues/Kirsty MacColl. "So Nick, what are your thoughts - is the BBC right to bleep out these two words?"

Bearing in mind that the Christmas ballad is a classic, has been voted the best Christmas song of all time, has been in the charts every single year since it was first released 20 years ago, is used on the telly every year to advertise virtually every Christmas CD compilation and is played remorselessly on all of the nation's radio stations for up to 6 weeks before Christmas, Mair felt confident he would get a cogent, wisey-word answer from the new LibDem oracle.....

He has to doesn't he? I mean, is there anyone in the YouKay aged 20 or over, who hasn't heard the song at least a thousand times?.....

Apparently, there is.

Clegg considered his answer. This Sage of wisdom, already weary of the grinding responsibility of LibDem leadership after just 5 minutes into the job delivered his 'honest' answer....

"Well Eddie, I can't possibly make a judgement about this as I have never heard the song - and it wouldn't be right for me to comment on it without hearing it, would it?... So I'll tell you what I will do, I will lsten to the record, then I will come back to you and give you my answer..... OK?"

Well, so much for the new honest Joe.....

You're a bum
You're a punk
Youre an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse......

Thankfully, the BBC has now rescinded the ban and 'faggot' and 'slut' are now deemed to be 'OK' I wonder why? Could it be that someone at BBC 'getting down with the kids' Division actually took time out to have a quick gander at the lyrics of some 50 cent and Eminem tracks?.......

McCavity­ - my part in his downfall....

Plotting the downfall of Gordon Brown and his McVichy Government really does take a lot of time, patience and focus nowadays. This last week, I've been up to my eyes doing stuff for the cause ­- and so postings have been as rare as sightings of Gordon Brown at a Mea Culpa convention......

The English Democrats' magazine, the 'English Voice' should be out any day now. I reckon it's our best yet -­ mind you, it should be, because it was a hell of a lot of work. There are also a few new YouTube offerings about to come off the production lines - I hope will be both amusing for the viewer and embarrassing for our great leader.

There are other things in the pipeline,­ none of which I can yet go into - but hopefully, this coming year is definitely going to be pivotal for the cause -­ and I believe it to be a golden opportunity to put even more pressure on the chimera that currently infests number 10.

I don't know about anyone else in the English community, but I have definitely crossed the Rubicon. Because of the danger to our democratic rights, the traitorous ineptitude of our English MPs, the routine disenfranchisement of our people and the somewhat clouded future of my kids, more and more of my work time is taken up with the cause of England.

Some things are much, much bigger than a career ­- the future of our country, for instance.

A scary image....

Morphing at its most worrying I think. If this isn't an advert about the dangers of mucking around with genes then I do not know what is. This amalgamation is so weird, I reckon he would get an audition in a 'Phones For You' advert.....

H/T Mr Fred Bishop.

Tomorrow's England by Nigel Hastilow....

Nigel Hastilow, incurrer of the wrath of David Cameron for the crime of having an opinion has written a book called 'Tomorrow's England'

As Nigel says about the book - 'It's essays about the way our freedoms are disappearing and nobody seems to mind. It's also about the NHS, the way our democracy can be distorted, the EU as the first stealth super-state. And about David Cameron's Conservative Party'.

Judging from what Nigel says, it looks like he's got a best seller on his hands...

They seek her here, they seek her there......

Rrrinnggg, rrring......

"Hi, is that the Information Office of the Palace of Westminster?"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"Well, I'd like to speak to the Ministry of the North West please."

"The Minis-treeee of the North West?"

"Yes, the Minis-treeee of the North West....... It has to be there - after all there's a Ministair for the North West - our great Prime Minister himself devolved powers to her soon after coming to power"...

"Do you know who the Mini-stair of the North West is then?"

"Yes, her name is Beverley Hughes"....

"Oh, you mean the Children, Schools and Families Minister?"

If her name is Beverley Hughes - I suppose I do.....

"Hmmm, let me have a look, Mini-streeee of the North West..... North West, North.... Mini-streee of the".......

"You might have better luck if you type in Mini-streeee of the North West of England"...

"Of England?"

"Yes, the Mini-streeee of the North West - of England...... I've had a butchers on the Parliamentary web site and cannot seem to find it. Look, I know it must exist - because you've got your Ministair, QED, there must be a Ministreeeeeeeee with which to house said Ministair and her entourage - even if it's just a converted airing cupboard, a phone line and a packet of post-it notes....

"Well, there doesn't seem to be even an airing cupboard".....

"Telephone?"

"No."

"Fax?"

"No"

"Email address?"

"Nope."

"Postal Address?"

.................................."Oh yes!!!"

"Hoo-bloody-ray! Now we are getting somewhere...... Can you let me have it, please?"

"Just address the letter to the Ministair of Children, Schools and Families at the Ministreee of Children, Schools and Families, Sanctuary Buildings, Great Smith Street, London SW1P 3BT and I'm sure the Ministair for the North West will pick it up from there".....

"So just to recap. The North West of England - an area with a population of seven million people, that's two million more than the population of Scotland doesn't actually have a Ministreeeeeeeeeeeee of the North West - or indeed a Ministair of the North West who actually does anything?........ It's sort of like the Werthers Original advert, isn't it?"

"Werther's Original?"

"Yeah, you know .... the kid in the car telling his Dad about his mate's 'sort of virtual Dad'..... The Ministreeeeeeeeeeee for the North West is a sort virtual organisation - it doesn't exist.... it's a figment of our great leader's imagination"....

"I couldn't possibly say - but I'm sure someone, somewhere is doing good works for the Region"....

"Area"

"Area?"

"Yes, it's an 'area' - and not a 'region'"

"Yes, I'm sure it is........ Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Actually yes!.... Can I speak to the Ministreee of Yorkshire and Humberside, please?".......

New Union Flag design leeked....

Further to calls for Wales to have some presence on the Union Flag, Telegraph readers have been submitting their artistic ensembles.

This is my favourite, done by a guy in Japan - and sort of sums up the utter fraud monkey that is today's You Kay.... it's all leeking away, Gordon. Don't it make you feel proud?....

England, Jerusalem and next year's World Cup Finals in Australia....

Background
The British Rugby League national team has in the past, usually completed as 'Great Britain'. However, last month's 3 match series against New Zealand was the very last time that GB as a team will ever play. It has now been disbanded and all the home nations have gone their seperate ways. (If they should all get together again as a touring party in the future then they will be play as the RU boys do under the title of 'The Lions').



Next year, the Rugby League World Cup will be held in Australia, and England and Scotland will be competing as national teams, There is therefore a real opportunity to try to persuade the Rugby League authorities in Leeds that Jerusalem should be our anthem of choice, especially as it is traditional that before every Rugby League Grand Final (the sports equivalent to the FA Cup Final) it is traditional that before the match kicks off, a selected classical singer walks onto the pitch and sings Jerusalem. The whole crowd of 68.000 join in. I listened to this year's event on the radio - and the singing of the hymn was simply fantastic.

This is what the official Grand Final site said about the pre-match entertainment -

'In the final moments before the teams walk out, the award winning Yorkshire born Lesley Garrett will sing a special arrangement of the hymn Jerusalem - the traditional anthem of the Super League Grand Final. She regularly appears in both opera, in concert and on television and has won massive critical acclaim as a recording artist; she also has eleven solo CD to her credit.
And Lesley says she is already looking forward to performing a song which she believes is highly appropriate for a major sporting occasion: ‘Jerusalem for me is most associated with sport and music and the very best situation in which to sing it is in front of 65,500 people waiting for kick-off!” She added: “It’s a song I have sung for many years and I particularly love this arrangement with the drums because it gives it such extra power and excitement. “I am thrilled to be singing it for this special engage Super League Grand Final and I know just what an exciting and emotional day it will be for everyone!”

She could have mentioned that Jerusalem is a song associated exclusively with England, but never mind, the precedent is set. They play Jerusalem as a traditional curtain raiser to their most prestigious domestic occassion - so in theory, it cannot be much of a leap of the imagination to use the hymn as England's anthem for next year's world cup, can it?

Apparently, the RFL are deciding the team logistics right now.

This is my email to the RFL HQ.

Hello,

I understand that now the final GB v NZ test match series has been played, the home nations are going their own seperate ways.
In future, England will have her own team, and be playing as such in next year's Rugby League World Cup. That's something I really support, but can you tell me, will we also be having our own anthem as well before each match?

A couple of months ago, I saw the Grand Final at Old Trafford between St Helens and Leeds - and was completely knocked out by the singing of 'Jerusalem' before the action started. It was fantastic. As everyone sang for all they were worth.... and I mean, 'everyone', I would suggest that Jerusalem would make a superb anthem for the England Rugby League team - not only is it a stirring and uplifting tune, but it also actually mentions England in the words - and so is more than appropriate to be our anthem.

And as was proved on Grand Final night, it is fantastically popular amongst the ordinary people of England.

PLEASE do not go the route of picking God Save the Queen - and copying the RU and Football teams - it is the UK anthem and so, has nothing to do with England - and you can bet your life that Scotland will be picking their own anthem rather than GSTQ.

Can you please let me know asap which song you intend to use for all future England National Rugby League team matches.

Regards,

Alfred the OK.

James Purnell says 'No' to an English anthem...

James Purnell, the Culture Secretary for England was interviewed last Friday by Simon Mayo on BBC radio's FiveLive afternoon show, The Daily Mayo. I sent in an email, which Simon duly read out in toto (including the 'disenfranchised Englishman' bit). Below is the transcript - first the email, then the bumbling, inexcusably pathetic answer from James Purnell and the interjections from Simon Mayo.

Simon -

'Can you ask Mr Purnell when England is going to be allowed her own National Anthem?
God Save the Queen is not the English Anthem, it is the British one - England doesn't have one and it's about time we did. I suggest 'Jerusalem'.

Scotland and Wales have their own anthems - and it is plainly bizarre to hear the Welsh and the Scots booing 'God Save the Queen' as the anthems are played prior to England playing them in the 6 nations tournament.

Mr Purnell is the culture secretary for England - he should start to champion our country by promoting our culture. Our own unique national anthem would be a start'.
Regards,
Alfie the OK,
disenfranchised Englishman.

PURNELL: "I'm proud of being English, and I'm proud to be British....... And I think you can be both at the same time.... And I think ... if we start to go down this sort of seperatist route, we'd really regret it in 10 or 20 years time...... You know, this is a fantastic country and I think trying to set ourselves one against the other would only make us weaker"....

MAYO: "Yes but, it's not nessecarily seperatist, just to say England could have its own song the way the Scots and the Welsh have"....

PURNELL: "Well, we've got Baddiel and Skinner haven't we?...... And, ermmm, got fantastic songs that err... errrr... err... err.... at err, rugby.... at err football - but I.... I.... I just think, you know... that there is a sort of mood about, which is that, errr..... somehow England is missing out......
England is a fantastic country, we're doing brilliantly well, when I talk to Euro"....

MAYO: "Brilliantly well at what?"

PURNELL: "Just generally. When I talk to European colleagues or talk to people, you know, talk to Democrats in America and they..... You know, are extremely impressed by what we've done.... So I think we should be proud of our country, I think we should be clear that we can be English, British, Scottish, Welsh, errrrr, Northern Irish at the same time and there's a multiple, you know, you can be Northern Irish and British and be proud of both at the same time and that's something we should all be able to feel."

MAYO: "And European, chuck it all in"..........

END.

So there you have it. Pathetic Purnell, the Culture Secretary for England says that to give England our own national anthem will endanger the union by going down some 'seperatist route'. But apparently, the Scots and Welsh having their own anthems does not endanger anything. So presumably, in Purnell-world, the very act of Scots and Welsh fans booing 'God Save the Queen' to the hilt at Murrayfield and the Millennium Stadium, must mean the union is being strengthened with every gob-glottal vented.

Not for us a national song that defines our identity. Not for us a stirring theme to bind our country with common goals and collective purpose. No, Purnell says we have Baddiel & Skinner, and footy & rugby songs to fall back on - as a sort of 'Anthem-Lite'....

And so, just to get things straight in my mind - Purnell rules out 'Jerusalem' because it's the work of the Devil - but Baddiel & Skinner doing a 'Derek and Clive' pastiche or footy fans singing 'Posh Spice takes it up the arse', and 'The Referee's a bastard' is perfectly fine for our national singy-songy........

Purnell says it's OK to be proud of being English - just as long as you keep quiet about it...... And this from the man tasked to promote English Culture. Pathetic.

If you want to hear it yourself, go here and wind onto 1:20:03 for the question and blathering answer from a national disgrace.

Comment on The Scotsman's week-long 'special' on the West Lothian Question.

The Scotsman has been doing a week long special on the West Lothian Question

Sir -

Do you know what? I am getting heartily sick and fed up with the blue sky thinking going on by the Scottish Establishment - apparently for our benefit.

Scots Labour MP, Ian Davidson suggests a return to English regionalism. Posh Scot Rifkind, after oooh, at least 10 minutes cogitation emerges from the toilet with his little piece of 'back of the envelope' to declare "Grand Committees in our time"... Scottish Prime Minister, Gordon Brown gives us one of his sickly smiles and pretends to go deaf - or, as in this week's PMQs gives a completely inaccurate answer when asked about the Barnett Formula....

Hey, all you bods at The Scotsman, all you 'worried of Dundee' readers, all you 'concerned for your jobs Scottish politicians' why not campaign for a referendum to be held in England about OUR constitutional future. Why not ask US what we would like, for a change?

The answer to the English Question will not be found on Malcolm Rifkind's toilet seat, it will not be found behind Gordon Brown's faux smiles, it will not be found in Ian Davidson's selfish streak, it will not be found by a Scots media suggestion of 'Rifkind Lite' - it will only be found by actually asking the population of England what they want.

And talking about The Scotsman. Tell me Mr Editor, during your week long 'special' on analysing the West Lothian Question, did you once, even once go down, south of the border to actually ask the people of England what they actually would like - or have you been too busy canvassing opinion from worried Scottish MPs to be bothered?

Shock horror, token Englishman found on BBC Questiontime panel.....

Wait a mo, stand easy everyone - it's not as disasterous as first thought because the token Englishman was none other than English-hating New Labour-loving scribe, David Aaronovitch..... so that's OK then.

As tonight's edition came from Glasgow in Scotland, the rest of the panel were of course, all Scottish.

David Steel - Grey haired has-been, Scottish LibDems man in grey.
Trout-pouter Wendy Alexander - Scottish Labour leader and sister to Wee Duggie, the world's worst election organiser.
Annabel Goldie - leader of the Scottish Tories and Scotland's very own Claire Rayner agony aunt.
Nicola Sturgeon - chippily bolshy Scottish deputy leader of the SNP and chair of the Alex Salmond fan club.

As per usual, the thorny question of the 'West Lothian Question' was aired. As per usual, most of the Scots on the panel (apart from the chippy bint) agreed that because of England's vast bulkyness, we shouldn't get a Parliament of our own because it will bugger the union to death - forever. As per usual, not one of those miserable power-mad ruminating tossers suggested that the people of England should be allowed the opportunity to decide what we bloody well want. And then the discussion went all Barnett - Goldie proclaimed that Northern Ireland got the most, then London, then Scotland.... interesting use of a Province, a City and a Country there Annabel in order to somehow illustrate your pathetic point of no value or accuracy. But never mind, Bumbleby didn't bother to take you up on it. Lord Steel likened England's current predicament to Scotland of years ago - and being bullied by English, Welsh and Northern Irish MPs into accepting legislation.... Yeah, but Dave, baby - that was when Great Britain was ruled by a Unitary Authority, wasn't it? Bumbleby remained silent.


And as for Aaronovitch? well he just said there was no appetite in England for self determination. According to Dave, it was all a right wing media plot....

On second thoughts, I don't think Aaronovitch is an Englishman after all..... Maybe he's trying to redefine himself as a plastic Scotsman?

Sick as a parrot

This image was composed by my eldest Son, John. He is at the moment travelling the world - and is currently in Shanghai. It is a self portrait and he entered it in a competition last year which was all about trying to show your passion about football. He got into the last 6 - but did not win. To me, it perfectly sums up the hopes, the highs - but mostly the lows of yer average England footy fan.

Last night's disaster at Wembley was an utter disgrace. McClaren, the uninspiring plodder has gone - along with a cheque for 2.5 million quid in his back pocket. Thanks for nothing, Stevie.

And then, this morning the living dead - the board of the FA, staggered out from their blue-blazered comfort zone to face the media music. Old, pale, out-of-touch, arrogant and complacent..... but most of all, a complete failure by any of those damned white-haired tossers to do the decent thing and fail on their own swords. It was they who appointed a journeyman coach to the position of England manager - it is they who sacked them this morning. Their judgement is now therefore as flawed as McClaren's tactics - and by definition, they should all go right now also.

I am old enough to remember how Brian Clough was overlooked for England coach because he was too gobby. I also remember how Bob Paisley, the most successful English coach of all time wasn't even considered - not because of his ability to manage the national side was in doubt, no, it was because his cloth capped image wasn't quite what the blue blazered brigade felt comfortable with.

Ever since Walter Winterbottom's appointment in the late '50's, the FA have always favoured yesmen and arse-lickers as coach. I hope now that things will change..... but I doubt it.

But one thing's for sure, the England team simply do not deserve the fantastic support they get from the English public. They are, without doubt, the most loyal supporters in the world, and it really is about time, the God-awful FA started to treat them with some sort of respect.

The Blackburn Outrage - a prediction.

My prediction - 'The Blackburn Outrage' will replace 'The West Lothian Question' as the discussion of choice. Why? Because the WLQ does not clearly demostrate the inbuilt fiscal unfairness of the current settlement - the 'Blackburn Outrage' clearly does....

A Government Of All The Sychophants....

(That's Gordon's 'GOATS' to you and me)

Watching Allistair Darling doing a passable impression of a 'dead man dead', yesterday, it sort of struck me just what a group of talentless losers Gordon Brown's Cabinet actually are. Far from being the much heralded 'Government of all the Talents' - they are little more than a gang of remedial no-opinioned school boys, hanging on every growly-voweled word and control-freaked diktat of the Great Leader. Darling, Balls, Cooper, Miliband and the rest would more at home in short pants and reading the Beano rather than delving into government boxes..... None of them has a decent original thought between them.

Aside from the LostCDGate scandal, the list of woes has an air of calamitous government about it. Who knows, someone might just invent a new word for the English (sorry, British) language that will sort of define a complete balls up on a monumental scale. "Oh dear, you appear to have made an utter Brown of that, haven't you?"

Brown's dithering fingerprints are all over the Northern Rock debacle. Last week, super-special, Brown-appointed security expert Sir Alan West dramatically changes his mind in the space of half an hour and a brief 'chat' with his Boss over the question of how long terror suspects should be detained prior to charges being brought. Apparently, his proclaimation that he didn't believe in detention of more than 28 days was a 'misquote' - even though he said it live on Radio 4.

At the weekend, Foreign Secretary David Miliband's big new speech on Europe got the red pen treatment from Gordon Brown. Rather embarrassingly, it was only altered after the Foreign Office had circulated the original to the country's news agencies. Last week, Jacqui Smith, our chunky Home Secretary and part-time Rugby League prop forward, stood at the Despatch Box and told us about the 20,000 illegal immigrant security guards working for the state. Apparently, the reason why she didn't tell us about it in July was because she wanted to work out what to do about it first.(And she managed to say all that with a straight face!)

This Summer's Surrey Foot and Mouth outbreak was tracked down to a leaking underground pipe from a Government research laboratory. The pipe was due to be replaced a couple of years previously, but budget cuts from Brown's Treasury to government agency Defra meant that the pipe was left to corrode, fracture and contaminate....

The north of England floods, occurring just days after Brown's coronation, was a complete balls up. The Prime Minister had barely appointed his new team of special regional ministers for England, yet Caroline Flint the minister responsible for the flooded area did nothing for over 2 weeks. Only when the great God Gordon cruised into town in his big flashy 4 be 4, dodging the beached sofas and flat-pack flotsam did Flint show her brassy boat.

Gordon, ever the prudent fool - especially where northern English folk are concerned, pledged a pathetic 14 million quid for 'relief'. Caroline Flint, standing a respectful 5 paces behind, swooned in adoration. The guy from Hull council rolled his eyes and complained that the damage ran into many hundreds of millions of pounds - and that 14 crappy million was not even loose change.....

Then there was Immigration Minister, Liam Byrne's performance on 'The Daily Politics' last week. Anchorman, Andrew Neil first pulled all his legs off, then his wings, then stamped him into the concrete. Byrne could not, would not admit to official figures of immigration published by his very own department. Byrne could not, would not admit to anything, full stop. He blathered and said "errrr" a lot. After 10 minutes of relentless questioning, Byrne's excuse for not knowing anything much about immigration was because he had left his folder at the office.

He knew the figures all right - the only problem was that he couldn't actually say anything of note, just in case a member of the Gordiban was in the wings, taking notes.

Brown's performance at the Despatch Box since he took over from Blair has been woeful. His body language, his shaking fists, his forced insincere gurning grins, his inability to tell a decent joke, his crap excuses for not knowing his facts ("The honourable gentleman forgets that I have only been in the job for 5 days") - and the complete inability to give Cameron any kind of body swerve is embarrassing to watch. - Second only to the passive reaction of Speaker Fat-Man Mick Martin as he allows Brown to ignore answering the same question asked 4 times in a row. ...

There is really no doubt about it, Brown is a political sociopath. A man devoid of any human interaction and warmth. He trusts no one - certainly enough to allow him or her to make a decision. Gordon doesn't do delegation or sincerity. He tries so hard to act the part of the conviction politician, but that is failing also - if you look closely, you can see the trowelled-on make-up is running...

All this was confirmed on Sunday night with the first part of the TV trilogy 'The Blair Years' on BBC 1.

Blair was interviewed about his relationship with Brown. He sat there, 'doing' sincerity like only Tone can do, resplendent in his newly rediscovered Bambie-esque persona, trying his very 'hardest' to defend the Heath Robinson hard-wire that is the world of Brown - but in spite of his very best efforts, the control freakery of the puppet master from number 11 just shone through.

Machiavellian, borgian, iagoian, uriah-heepien, hissing-sydian - Brown was all of these and more. A man absolutely obsessed with being head cohoanie of Great Britain Limited. The schemer of schemers, the man who told Blair "When the fuck are you going to fuck off out of here, so I can have the job?" was at the centre of virtually every Blair initiative. Most government decisions of the time seemed to revolve around whether Gordon would free up the cash - and when 'stuff happened' Brown always seemed to be able to be somewhere else as Blair got roasted......

Well, it's all coming home to roost now. There is nowhere to run and hide for Gordon. The shit has hit the plastic English football fan - and what's more, it's sticking. That's the trouble with assembling a team of yes-people around you, Gordon - they are selected on the premise that they will be docile sheep rather than talented decision makers - and when things go tits up, they cannot cope.

But can you? Or will you continue to rely on your 'Government of all the sycophants' - the 'GOATS' to manage things?

Scotland on Sunday.....

The Scotland on Sunday has an article about the increasingly irritated English here.

'Five years ago only pointy-headed nerds knew about the West Lothian Question and "asymmetrical devolution". Today, the man on the Clapham omnibus probably still doesn't know or even care where West Lothian is - but he does want to know why Scots are being offered "free" university education, prescriptions and care for the elderly when he still has to pay'......

(not sure why "free" has been marked so, though).

Anyway, they mentioned the Part of the Union? video -

One increasingly popular post on YouTube by a group called Justice For England makes green-eyed statements about the poor funding received by England compared with the "free" health care, tuition fees and other handouts from the Scottish Parliament. Let's see if SNP Finance Secretary John Swinney feels quite so flush when he delivers his budget this week.

The Justice For England video is accompanied by the Strawbs' track Part Of The Union, even though it was written about trade union disputes rather than the state of the UK. But perhaps the song's warning to be "wise to the lies of the company spies" is a reminder of the need to clear up the myths surrounding the Scottish question.

There they go with that "free" thing again....and what about that 'green-eyed statements' reference as well? We are not green-eyed. Mega pissed-off, yes - but not green-eyed.

Beowulf reassigned....

BBC publicity blurb from Radio FiveLive on an interview with Ray Winstone, who plays the lead in the forthcoming film, Beowulf.

"A touch of Hollywood this week, Ray Winstone talks about playing a Viking in his new role as Beowulf, and why he doesn't mind them invading his beloved West Ham.......

I listened to the interview - what is really, really pathetically depressing is what the great over-actor himself had to say about his role. Winstone confirmed the BBC's 'mistaken' belief that Beowulf was a Viking hero - then went on at length about how much 'Viking' is in the average West Ham suppoerter.

Imagine, spending God knows how many months making a film - and being totally ignorant of the origins of the story. What's more, I bet the 'cockerney-cliche' has been travelling the world telling everyone who will listen that Beowulf is a Viking legend....

For the benefit of the BBC, Ray Winstone, Angelina Jolie and anyone else interested, Beowulf was an Anglo Saxon hero in an Anglo Saxon epic poem originated and recited during the golden age of the Anglo Saxon world.

In my book, that makes him an English cultural icon. Geddit?

Fighting for England.

A paucity of posts over the last couple of weeks from yours truly can only mean one of two things. I've either won the lottery and am now posting you from my penthouse suite in Aspen, Colorado - or, I have been fighting for England with some new 'fighting for England' projects.

Well I haven't won the lottery, so that must mean I am up to my neck in new projects designed to keep embarrassing the Brownster and trying to bring down the entire rotten edifice of Britishness.....

I have, of course had some help along the way, my kids and my wife have gone above and beyond the call of duty - but some celebs are also giving their talents to the cause of Englishness....

Including these two guys (although they don't actually know it yet).....

Well I would walk 500 miles, and a I would walk 500 more just to be, tra la, la, la la, la la, la, la, la, la, at your dooor-uhhhhh-uhhh.

The new Black....

It's just amazing, isn't it? How some problems are nowhere last week, last month, last year, last century - but everywhere today? How suddenly, a collective penny drops, and the self appointed fuss-pots and meddlers go into overdrive on blue-sky thinkingisms.

I of course refer to the English Question - the question that cannot be solved - and until recently, the question that could not even be mentioned in respectable circles without accusations of rampant insanity and terminal knuckle-dragging. "What, you're an English Nationalist and you believe in a parliament for England?... Isn't that 'a bit racist' and something to do with the BNP?"

And all of a sudden, in spite of the routine blankage that has gone on for years, the English Question is now the must have accessory, the new political handbag on the arm of Posh Rifkind and the great new 'EQ-Plan' lose pounds' wonder-diet all rolled into one. The English Question is now hot to trot, legitimate, and fully credo'd for discussion because the Tories have now decided it is 'OK' to do so.

And as per usual, it's a Scot who is doing the proposals. As per usual, it is the man residing in the safest blue rinse territory in the country - and by definition living in a microcosm of priviledge and exclusivity who feels he has the legitimacy to speak on behalf of fifty million of the disenfranchised. As per usual his solution is designed to supposedly accommodate the unique conglomeration that is England. As per usual, the solution is a three legged camel and is an insult to fag packet backs everywhere. Not for us, a bog standard model of democracy - we are supposed to embrace the 'Democracy-Lite' Grand Committee model of Rifkind's comb-overed imagination.

And there's the rub. Rifkind's proposals have nothing to do with democracy and the bringing of government back to be the servant of the people where it rightfully belongs. It has everything to do with the preservation of the status quo - and a cynical attempt to dampen down rising English ire. The reason we have arrived at this ill-thought through solution is apparently because of England. England, the complicated. England, the ungovernable (except by know-all Scots). England, the enigma, the troublemaker wrapped in a sheath of amorphous blobbage - a country that cannot, by definition have the gift of national democracy bestowed upon it.

It's a sort of Gordian Knot connundrum of the 21st Century. An insurmountable problem so complicated as to render Britain's finest brains stuck in 'thick as pig shit' mode. Our Gordian Knot - a tangled web of non-democracy, intrigue, lies, evasion and disinterest seems to be ravelling away before our very eyes as politicians everywhere decide that the English Question might, just might require some sort of an answer - and then fail to put forward the only simple solution available in favour of complex formulae based on the price of gold, the phases of the Moon and how often cows fart out the tune of the national anthem....

So how to solve our democratic Gordian Knot? How do we address the desire of 65% of English people for a parliament for England against the snivelling self-serving opportunism of our craven politicians? Back in antiquity, the problem of the Gordian Knot, which had taxed the finest Greek minds for years was solved by a charismatic leader called Alexander the Great who had a bit of an attitude to 'problems'. In a fury, he chopped it off with his sword and chucked it away.

Job done.

And that should serve as a warning to our leaders. The longer they delay the inevitable, the more the people of England will fret, fester and steam - and the more radical will be their demands. We're now less inclined to try and pick our way through the alleged knotty problem of English democracy in favour of Alexander's more final solution. Our sword is about to hit the knot as our sense of persecution grows by the day. Now people are not just demanding a parliament for England - they are beginning to demand complete independence. A federal solution, once seen as far sighted is now increasingly being rated as 'not enough'...

The people in the dock for this appalling state of affairs are our collective political class and their hair-brained schemes at 'do-it-yourself democracy'. It is they who have ruined our relationship with the other home countries, it is they who have bought them off with democratic overload and public service hush money. It is they who have played fast and loose with the union for the price of political advantage and pimpage.

No Grand Committee, no EVoEL, no 2-for-1 deal, no dynamic parish council, no money-back guarantee, no appointed quango, no regional assemblies. We demand a parliament for England - a contract of national democratic obligation between the English electorate and our English politicians - nothing, absolutely nothing less will do.

The lack of English Democratic recognition is not a trend or a fashion accessory - it is a damnable disgrace - and a shameful indictment of political skullduggery and cynical manipulation by the political classes ever eager to keep what they have - at all costs.

Alfred the bloody marvelous....

Today, October 26th is the feast or black letter day of King Alfred the Great. So on this King Alfred’s Day and in memory of him, without whom our nation of England would never have come into existence, I wish you a very happy King Alfred’s Day on this 1080th anniversary of England’s Nations Statehood!

So raise a toast to good King Alfred the Great - the father of our nation!

Note: Alfred, if you are out there in the ether, looking down upon us from a great height, can you come back like quick - your nation really does need you like never before.

Petrol Tensions.....

There has been quite a bit of comment in the transport industry lately concerning the rate at which rural garages are closing. The small independents are finding it increasingly tough to exist when they appear to be little more than tax collectors for the Exchequer. In 1974, there were an estimated 74,000 petrol stations in the UK. By 2000, that figure had fallen to 12,000 - and today there are just 9,300 left. Of course, in urban areas the supermarkets are to blame for selling their petrol as loss leaders - and hence closing down the opposition - but in rural areas, with petrol profit margins increasingly being squeezed, there seems little alternative to closing the petrol station and flogging it off to a red bracered whizz-kid for conversion to a second home...

You'd think the government would recognise the problem and attempt to address it - especially as public transport in rural areas is non existent.....

No surprises then to read this from the Petrol Retailers Association's 'Forecourt' magazine....

'England and Wales also need to catch up with Scotland, where a grant scheme is available for forecourt operators from the Scottish Executive. It is available to help them with capital investment.

The grants are part of the Rural Petrol Stations Grant Scheme (RPSGS), which is one of three grant schemes which make up the Scottish Executive's Rural Transport Fund - set up in 1998 to improve transport in rural areas of Scotland.

The Scottish Executive recognises that cars are a necessity for many people in rural Scotland and it is therefore vital for residents to be able to access a forecourt relatively easily.

According to its website, the scheme was set up "to support the retention of a sustainable and accessible network of fuel supply throughout rural Scotland".

I don't think this could ever be voted through at Westminster (on behalf of the bumkins south of Carlisle) though.... The Scots MPs would never allow it.

Building on England - naturally....

Government lapdog Natural England - (soon to be a bit of an oxymoron if Labour's housing policy gets off the drawing board) has produced a helpful little Press Release explaining exactly why England's Green Belt needs to be built on.

Apparently, it's all to do with 'Greening the Green Belt' - because the existing Green Belt just isn't 'green' enough.... It's a bit too sort of 'monochrome' 'tatty' and 'naff' - not to mention having the odd abandoned supermarket trolley thrown in (the canal).

Being responsible pen-pushers, the lackeys at Natural England have thus provided a suitably damning indictment on this despised and decrepit area of land that everyone in the whole world really hates. In order to right this eyesore - and to get some verdant hues back into the belt, the thoughtful boffins at Natural England have, in their wisdom endorsed the government's plan to recolour the belt from Puke-Green and Offal-Brown to Supa-Soviet-Slate, Its-a-Breezeblock-Blue and Reallygreat-Grey.

The Press Release says -
Time for a greener green belt, says Natural England.
Natural England, the Government’s statutory advisor on landscape, has assessed the case for a review of green belt policy as part of a fresh approach to greening new development.

The Government is seeking a major expansion in house building for social and economic reasons, with around 3 million new homes planned. Natural England’s role is to advise on the implications of this for the natural environment, taking into account the impact of a changing climate, whilst ensuring that everybody has access to high-quality green space.

Natural England's Board agreed at its meeting of 10 October the need for a housing policy that puts green space at the heart of all new development - see Natural England’s pre-scoping paper 'Housing growth and green infrastructure' [90 kb]

Sir Martin Doughty, Natural England’s Chair, said: “The time has come for a greener green belt. We need a 21st century solution to England's housing needs which puts in place a network of green wedges, gaps and corridors, linking the natural environment and people."

Now, I know what you are thinking - aren't we lucky that our glorious government are going to green up our crappy green belts by shoving 3 million houses on them + schools, + factories + all the rest of the relentless concretia that accompanies any such new developments.....

I bet you guys in Scotland and Wales are 'green' with envy that your countryside isn't being 'made greener and improved' with such radical plans?

Yeah, I bet you are.

Prescription charges - it's just an English thing...

Excellent! Gordon Brown's constituents no longer have to pay for prescription charges. I'd like to write more, but I need to sit here and consider just how lucky I am to be a part of the union of the United Kingdom.

What's it all about... sharing for the benefit of all... or shafting the English as per usual?

You decide.