Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Nick Clegg tells his first porky?

Cameron clone, Nick Clegg has duly morphed his young'n'trendyness into enough votes to beat the stuffed shirt that is Nick Huhne for the LibDem leadership.

With his 'massive' LibDem rank and file majority of 500 votes, Clegg shook the hand of the seething and vanquished Huhne (I reckon a job shadowing the Westminster bog cleaning rota beckons for Chris)- and turned to the audience to deliver his first 'my politics is going to be different' speech.

There he stood, four square and square jawed. The almost massed ranks of the Press, the adoring cadre of his Team-Clegg support and a whole battalion of former failed LibDem leaders sat there, baited breathed, waiting for Clegg to deliver his new brand of honest politics to a weary country.....

"New type of politics.... blah, blah, blah.... putting honesty back.... blah, blah, blah.... our contract of trust with the electorate"....

And then he was finished. The new broom, the new honest Joe had said what was needed to be said. Triumphantly, Emporio Cleggy waved to the adoring masses. Everyone stood up and clapped for LibDemmery - even Ming Campbell once Kennedy had woken him up with a sharp elbow to the ribs...

Up stepped Radio 4 anchorman, Edddie Mair to do a quick interview with the new broom of honesty. Honest Cleggy went into honesty-overdrive, fielding the questions with a vague honest confidence that goes with the job of leading a party that will always be bit-part players.

But wait, Mair had an ace up his sleeve. His last question to Clegg concerned the BBC ban on the words 'faggot' and 'slut' in the seasonal song 'Fairytale in New York' by the Pogues/Kirsty MacColl. "So Nick, what are your thoughts - is the BBC right to bleep out these two words?"

Bearing in mind that the Christmas ballad is a classic, has been voted the best Christmas song of all time, has been in the charts every single year since it was first released 20 years ago, is used on the telly every year to advertise virtually every Christmas CD compilation and is played remorselessly on all of the nation's radio stations for up to 6 weeks before Christmas, Mair felt confident he would get a cogent, wisey-word answer from the new LibDem oracle.....

He has to doesn't he? I mean, is there anyone in the YouKay aged 20 or over, who hasn't heard the song at least a thousand times?.....

Apparently, there is.

Clegg considered his answer. This Sage of wisdom, already weary of the grinding responsibility of LibDem leadership after just 5 minutes into the job delivered his 'honest' answer....

"Well Eddie, I can't possibly make a judgement about this as I have never heard the song - and it wouldn't be right for me to comment on it without hearing it, would it?... So I'll tell you what I will do, I will lsten to the record, then I will come back to you and give you my answer..... OK?"

Well, so much for the new honest Joe.....

You're a bum
You're a punk
Youre an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse......

Thankfully, the BBC has now rescinded the ban and 'faggot' and 'slut' are now deemed to be 'OK' I wonder why? Could it be that someone at BBC 'getting down with the kids' Division actually took time out to have a quick gander at the lyrics of some 50 cent and Eminem tracks?.......

4 comments:

Ian said...

This doesn't bode well. One day gone as leader and a rather comical mess-up by Clegg already.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Nick "Clegg" Leg is my personal "Twat of the Day".

Mark Wadsworth said...

Whoops, dodgy link, try this.

Chris Abbott said...

Eee, Alfie, that song reminds of big hair and HUGE shoulder pads and ra ra skirts and blonde highlights and parachute pants and designer stubble and lycra leggings and pink moon boots and pink and purple shell suits and hair mousse and really BIG hair and pixie boots and blonde streaks and hair gel and lashings of bright pink lipstick and really, really BIG hair and lovely accessories like door-knocker ear-rings, cerise clutch bags and bulging filofaxes.

Yes, I looked very nice.

It also reminds me of having lots of black ash furniture, first renting a VCR, calling mobile phones "yuppie toys" and watching The Beiderbecke Affair.

And waking up on Christmas Day 1987 with a clonking great hangover, reeking of stale "Mandate" and fag smoke, and spotting an old oven chip underneath my dining table.

Some songs really open the floodgates, don't they?

And by the way: Nick Clegg is yet another complete and utter t*sser.

Happy 2008, old matey, and good luck at the West Lothian "debate" in February - I can't get time off - so please keep us posted.