Friday, January 05, 2007

Old Alfie’s Almanac Predictions for 2007……..

A bit late I know – but hey, I’m old.

Old Alfie has been rubbing hard on his glass orb, carefully sifting through sheep offal and sniffing assorted animal droppings to give you his cutting edge predictions for the coming year….

Old Alfie predicts –

February 20th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £12 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the bricks and chippies tea bag supply in the original estimate.

March 2nd
Patricia Hewitt rolls out her ‘Dock Leaf’ strategy to the English public. "Dock Leaves are really powerful medicine. They are superb for all kinds of ills – and if that fails, the NHS still has some vinegar and brown paper stocks available on a first come first served basis. she said.

May 13th
Liverpool beat Charlton Athletic 4-0 to push Manchester United into second place and win the Premiership title.

May 14th
Old Alfie collects 2 grand from the bookies after putting a 20 quid bet on Liverpool to win at 100 to 1 in early January.
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May 15th
Tony Blair leaves office in early summer. He’s dragged from the controls of power kicking and screaming "But my people, they love me! How will they cope without me?"

May 16th
Gordon Brown’s first parliamentary Question time goes off script. The mask of Englishness slips as he threatens Cameron with a Glasgow kiss – and calls him ‘Jimmy’

June 1st
Tony Blair declares he’s the world’s greatest diplomat. "The world needs me coz I’m Tony Blair and I’m bloody brilliant" he says.

June 4th
Tony Blair sets up ‘Diplomatix Inc’ – slogan ‘I’m Tony Blair from Diplomatix - I think you’ve got a problem and I’m the nosy bastard who can fix it’ He sets up offices in all the major trouble spots of the world – Barbados, Monte Carlo, St Moritz, Surfers Paradise in Australia, The Hamptons (NY), Dubai and Aspen Colorado…..

June 28th
In his new and very important role as world statesman, Tony Blair embarks on a whistle stop tour of important people around the world. His first point of call is The Vatican where he is seen waving to the ecstatic Roman crowd and shaking the Pope’s hand on the Papal balcony. Alastair Campbell is in the crowd and asks a passing Cardinal – "Hey you in the dress and the funny hat, who the hell is that up there on the balcony with Tony Blair?"

July 6th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £16 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the cement, the post-it notes and the HB pencils consignment in the original estimate.

August 12th
The England cricket team win the deciding match to take the inaugural Test series against Luxembourg 3 – 2. Skipper ‘Freddie’ Flintoff says "It was tough, but England are back" and thanked the Luxembourgers for an exciting contest. "In all truth, we murdered them, men against boys" he added. 12 year old Vice Captain and part time wicket keeper Geraint Jones agrees.……

August 13th
Cricket mad Premier, Gordon Brown declares a public holiday and a tour through the City to celebrate the great win. A tired and emotional Freddie Flintoff pukes up all over Geraint Jones and states that he couldn’t remember eating the diminutive Welshman.

An ecstatic Gordon Brown, resplendent in his St George’s plastic hat proclaimed "It’s a great day to be English. I’ve not seen scenes like this since Paul Gasgoine scored that great hundred against the Scots"…

September 15th
The Royal Navy takes delivery of its latest cutting edge addition to our naval might – a converted car ferry from the mothballed Townsend Thoresen fleet. Des Browne, Secretary of State for Defence declares that once again Britain ruled the waves – and thanks to his clear blue-sky thinking and the fact that his defence study group had ‘waved the rules’, our naval strength had increased by a third. "The Tank transporter will not be repainted. The boffins at the defence committee have invented rust coloured camouflage – and naturally we are the world leaders in this technology" he explained. "HMS Tank will join HMS Victory and the remade bits of the Mary Rose in offering a creditable maritime deterrent to our enemies" he said.

October 12th
Former Premier, Tony Blair is caught rummaging through Gordon Brown’s wheely bin. When questioned by the Old Bill, Blair declares he is suffering from ‘Nosy Bastard Syndrome’. "I’ve been to N.A. (Nosies Anonymous) several times. We all sit in a circle and introduce ourselves – ‘Hi, I’m Tony and I’m a nosy bastard, got any gossip?"

November 23rd
A special committee set up by Premier Gordon Brown in the summer reports to an expectant country. Apparently, the English don’t want an English parliament after all - and are happy that their affairs continue to be looked after by Londoner and patriot, Gordon Brown.

December 29th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £22 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the £6 billion management consultancy fees and bullshit quotient in the original estimate.




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2 comments:

Northwing said...

Love em :-) I reckon Liechtenstein could be the ones to beat though.

Anoneumouse said...

reading this has just brightened my day :-))

thankyou