Priorities.....

Just got back from dropping my Son off at the local College - and on the way drove past Southport's Magistrates Court. It's wall-to-wall snappers with telephoto lenses sticking out of every vantage point. There must be at least 100 of them, some on ladders, some standing on garden walls - and a few nutters have hired a couple of cherry pickers - and are dangling some 40 ft from the ground. A battalion of bright yellow-coated Rozzers are out in force to keep order as the papparazzi corps push, shove and manouveur in order to get the best angle possible for the shot...

And the reason for all this media scrummaging?

Stevie Gerrard and his two scally mates are due up before the Beak this morning for the little fracas in a Southport club a couple of weeks ago....

I mean, it's not as if there ain't any other news about, is it?

It's Barak Obama day, you'll find me behind the sofa.....

...or under the stairs, or hiding in the bog. Anywhere where I can escape the mantras spewing forth from every TV and radio station.

"Change"

"Yes we can"

"We can fix it"

You know, it's funny but you just never see Barak Obama and Bob the Builder on the same podium, do you?

Yes folks. Today, Barak Obama is due to be sworn in as head honcho - and as our state run TV station is set to poodle servitude mode, you can be sure the 51st state will be celebrating more than the other 50 put together. Just to make sure, the BBC will (as per usual) have sent hundreds of commentators, fixers, camera crew, pundits and David Dimbleby out to DC to cover the great event. As per, the usual suspects will be wheeled out on this side of the pond to weep, blub, clasp hands and choke as the great man swears the oath of allegiance. David (I met him once and now he's my bezzy mate) Lammy, Keith (Nero syndrome) Vaz and Dianne (am I being paid for this) Abbot will no doubt mention just once or twice that Obama is the the first black man to get to head honcho level. But they needn't bother - because the BBC will have already stated it as fact at least 40 times an hour.

Except that he isn't, is he? He isn't black at all. He's of mixed race - as much white as he is black, as is Lewis Hamilton. Still, getting that wrong is more of a minor irritation compared to the expectation of great daring dos being built up by the BBC. They could almost be running a Barak Obama night on BBC TV tonight in celebration. Let's check the schedules -

7.00pm: Its a Barak Obama Knockout. Stuart Hall introduces a special episode of the zany show in which citizens of the 51st state try to build a 100 ft effigy of the big O out of foam sheeting and 6 ft square sponges - while being attacked by reactionaries armed with custard flans and water hoses.

8.00pm: DIY SOS, Obama Style. Nick Knowles and the DIY gang lean on their shovels in wonder as the 44th President rewires, rebuilds and makes good the entire world out of MDF, swags and matching throw cushions.

9.00pm. Credo. Today, our religious discussion group will tackle the vexing question: Who does God think he is, Barak Obama?

I just wonder how long before the blinkers fall off. How long before the whispering of long forgotten scandals is heard around the West Wing corridors of power. What if Obama has history - just like virtually every other Prez has had? For to get to the top of that greasiest of greasy poles, to rise to the head honcho job of jobs surely means, by definition that corners have been cut..... That dodgy land deal in Hicksville.... This affair with the blonde dolly bird..... The other agreement with cigar smoking men in smoke filled rooms.... possibly.

So that's why our telly will stay off, as will the radio. The newspapers have been cancelled and I am settling down to a loud and very long session with Led Zeppelin. My old mates Jimmy and Robert will help me forget all that hubris, forgot all that weeping and watery eyed sentimentality wobbling out of DC for the next 48 hours..

God Bless Led Zepp' - God Bless Amnesia...

Tony Hart...

Sad to hear that Tony has morphed to the other side. He really did inspire me to take up a career in art - I used to watch him on 'Vision-on' in the early sixties.... I liked the programme - although it took me a while to catch on that the show was actually intended primarily for deaf people. I suppose the enthusiastic finger waggling by the lady presenter should have given me the clues - but 10 year old kids see what they want to... And anyway, I was watching in black and white.

The things I remember about Hart was his sticky-on smile - he always looked as if he was about to say 'My dear, how very nice to meet you', his checky shirts and his Adam Faith quiff. In those early days of Vision-on, when Morf was merely a distant thought, Tony would invite kids to send in artwork so he could stick it on his 'Viewers Gallery Wall'.... So I did. My 'Snowy Scene' was inspired by the winter of '63 when it snowed forever, and then some. For weeks after, when Tone would say 'And now, let's go to the wall to see some pictures from our very talented viewers' I would search and search for my picture.

Was that mine? That pic of a kid on a sledge with a bobbly hat? No it wasn't. The camera would weave a path around the wall, seeking out really woeful efforts from young Billy aged 8 in York and Denise aged 11 from Southampton. it was always accompanied by that legendary music..... Tum, te tum ta te tum, tum, titty tum, tum titty tum, tum, tum...... Tum ta, tum, ta tummm...........

It took me many, many years to forgive Tony Hart for not sticking up my superb work of genius of a snowy scene onto his viewers wall......

But I did, I had to - well he couldn't stick it up, if he never actually received it, could he? What really happened to my picture became apparent some 20 years later when I was clearing out my parents loft prior to them moving to pastures new. There, just underneath the water tank and 2 inches of detritus was my picture - signed 'Snowy Scene by Stephen from Liverpool, aged 10'.... Yes, she said she would post it for me. Yes, she said she would buy a stamp to cover the postage. Yes, she promised faithfully to do it, definitely, the next time she went to the shops......

Of course, my Mum never did. Post it I mean.

Tum, te tum ta te tum, tum, titty tum, tum titty tum, tum, tum...... Tum ta, tum, ta tummm...........

Gordon's gang are all Scousers just for today...

Gordon's not happy - he's just been told someone has forgotten to pack the shell suits, curly wigs and sticky-on moustaches...

Yes, Brown and his cabinet of all the talents rolled into town last night for a B&E start in Liverpool. It's all part of their continuing electioneering roadshow to convince people that they really do care... "Day reellie do ker doh don't dee doh?"

How exciting, the great one and his cohorts are in my neck of the woods just for today - but in spite of the very best of efforts, Alfie has been unable to get a personal one 2 one with the great Macaroon. For some reason, he has failed to get an invite to the meet-and-greet sessions so adored by our beloved leader.... "Eh lar, j'wanna buy a boss ticket for de Boss's gig?"

Hey, but never mind, I am contributing to the event in other ways - specifically, the 200 grand plus it is costing the taxpayers in security, logistics, hotel roomage and the purchase of copious amounts of Ferrero Rocher choccies for this one day of grandstanding, hand-pressing and I-feel-your- pain four-squarynessing..... "Gizz them choceeze or I'll rob yer wheelz an' torch yer wheelie bin, yer Scotch twat"....

ITV's Planning Wars - an exercise in smoke and mirrors...

Last night's ITV's Planning Wars programme concerned itself with the imminent concreting over 'of Britain'. It majored on new must-have runways running straight through someone's front room, mega huge warehouses the size of Shropshire and 3 million new houses.

As per usual with such productions, they sanitised the info. England, the real target of this concretia was sort of buried and forgotten - much like the average English citizens democratic rights. According to the Gravelly-Voiced narrator, it was 'Britain' which was bracing itself for the flop of wet concrete on a verdant green belted landscape. It was Britain which was about to be trowelled into oblivion. It was 'Britain' which was about to suffer from the obscene new planning laws....

Even the guy from the CPRE - the Campaign to Protect Rural England, interviewed amongst a middle England rural idyll background failed to mention the dreaded 'E' word.

And so the media deception continues. The disinformation spews forth - England is Britain when there is bad news to be swallowed, England is non-existent when there is good....

'Films of Record' were the producers of the programme. That's the outfit run by Roger Graef - the guy who likes to big up his factually accurate credentials. What a pity that instead of telling it as it is, his production company elected to follow the usual new Labour snail-trail of fudge, inaccuracy and lies.

One day, the people of England will wake up and smell the coffee. I just hope that when they do, we still have some countryside to enjoy.

Off topic: Death Star Canteen..

Yes, I know Izzard is a bit of a Europhile, but this sketch animated by a 15 year old kid in America is one of the best YouTube moments of the year....

Rosie Cooper: my evasive MP.....

Question: Just how hard is it to try and make a surgery appointment with Rosie Cooper, my local Labour MP to discuss the amount of prescription charges I am paying?

Answer: Well, after her secretary found out who I am, bloody nigh on impossible!

Two weeks ago, I had a very unhealthy few days. Not only was my physical wellbeing suffering, but my wallet took a hell of a beating also. In the space of little more than 72 hours, I had to buy 4 lots of prescription drugs and was charged £3 to exit a hospital car park.

All told, it cost me over 30 quid in medical Celtgelt taxation.

I thought I would try to speak with Rosie Cooper, my local MP to complain - to vent my spleen so to speak - and to get her to fight my corner.

I clicked onto her web site. The home page screams -

'As your local Labour MP I am committed to working hard for you, the people of West Lancashire, and to fighting to get the best deal for every single local person.....

I am here to be YOUR voice on the issues that matter to YOU!.....

As your Member of Parliament, I trust you will contact me on the matters that are important to you, your family and your community.

Best wishes,

Rosie Cooper MP'.

Yeah, well that's the spin, the reality is somewhat different. Troublemakers like me and issues like Celtgelt taxation and West Lothian are to be kicked into the long grass and forgotten about whenever possible. So far, I've made 5 phone calls. Each time her secretary has told me that they are arranging surgery appointment times - and that they will contact me by phone 'that day', 'the next day', 'the end of the week', and by 'Monday, 8th December, definitely'....
Needless to say, I have rung again this morning...... they are going to get back to me.... definitely today.

"Now, when you say you'll 'definitely' get back to me today, this time you really do mean 'definitely', don't you?

"Definitely...... definitely"

Well, they'd better. Because if they don't I am turning up regardless, in person, all high-blood pressured, 20 stoned, 6ft2 of me. And I will not be happy.

My MP next to Big Ben. One is two faced, the other is four faced... Democracy, England style.

To: Editor, Simon Mayo radio show....

The 'phone-in' with Gordon Brown on Thursday's FiveLive Simon Mayo Show was an utter waste of time. It was nothing but a vehicle for our glorious leader to repeat his propagandist mantras of 'hard working families', 'global downturn' 'not our fault mate' and 'I'm getting on with the job'...

WHY was it advertised as a 'Q&A session between public and Premier' when in reality, it was a Simon Mayo interview? When Mayo introduced Brown at 1 o'clock, he kept telling people to phone in with their questions. Some hope! - The phones just rang out and were then disconnected - I should know, I was trying to get through for nearly an hour. Mayo interviewed Brown at the beginning of the session for about 15 minutes, then took a couple of telephone calls and a couple of emails from the public. More Mayo questioning followed until the 1.30 news bulletin.

After that bulletin, Mayo invited phone calls and emails because as he said himself "We've only got the PM for another 15 minutes - so come on, get your questions in"....

Mayo then proceeded to Brown-nose for Brittttain without bothering to read any more questions out or take any more calls from the public.

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

For the whole 45 minutes, Brown only had to field 3 phone calls and a couple of emails. The content of which were credit crunchingly bland. The rest of the time was taken by Mayo interviewing and toadying. For those of us who bothered to put a question together - it was an utter insult.

I mean, Brown can field friendly full toss questions all day from the likes of Mayo. It is the public who are much more likely to hold him to account - but they were comsumately ignored - as per usual (apart from the very few dullards allowed to put their friendly questions to their party leader). I wouldn't have minded not having my question read out - if it had been because there were loads of other questions from the public being tackled by Brown. They weren't.

Mayo is basically a NuLabour luvvie anyway - hasn't he had grand weekends at Chequers as a guest of Tony Blair... (something else the public pays for). Why bother to advertise it as a public/PM Q&A when all along it was only ever going to be Simon Mayo honing his interviewing skills - is he going for the Jonathan Ross spot?

Pathetic.

Gordon Brown - clueless imbecile

Gordon Brown really doesn't have a clue, does he? The man with the touch of a Jonah did it again yesterday. the appalling violence in Mumbai was the reason why BBC News had arranged for an interview with our great leader in order to get his view on the outrage.

Gordon stood erect, four-squared and square-jawed...... The nation waited to hear what the great man would say...

"Well, I think I speak for the entire world when I say how outraged I am......"

Sorry, did he just say he was speaking for the entire world? Yes he did! This unelected oaf of a control freaked Premier, a black belt in the dark arts of political manipulation and lying has just expanded his remit from Kirkcaldy & Cowdenbeath to encompass the entire globe!

Do you reckon he is going for the post of Global Guru and defacto World Premier?.... Only, I thought Tony Blair already had that job?

More smoke, mirrors and KY jelly...

More proof regarding the NuLabour disinformation project for England – and also evidence that yet again, we are going to have to bend over and take it...

Yesterday, I had a rather surreal telephone conversation with some government customer-relationed lackey at the Department of Transport.

I rang them in response to Road Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick's many, many telly appearances (mostly near a busy traffic junction) as he announced his great new ideas on life, the universe and hot hatch drivers....

Jim was in turbo drive, loving the cameras, loving the attention... looking like he was doing a piece to camera for Top Gear. He was determined to “Do something” about the terrible near 3,000 death toll on Britain’s roads each year.

Firstly, he was going to have a go at those psycho drivers who excessively speed. It’s a sort of two strikes and you’re banned strategy – and Jim warned every furry-diced-boy-racer in Britain that he was on their case. He also hinted that ‘they’ were looking at the current drink-drive limits – Jim rather portentously warned that this ‘may’ be looked into in the near future..

Jim repeated the day’s mantra – “We know that we can do more and that we can reduce the numbers of people being killed and seriously injured in Britain - and that means looking at speeding, drink driving, drug driving, careless driving and people not wearing seatbelts”...

It was yet another ‘fighting for Britain’ speech, so beloved of NuLabour’s budding iagos. But then, I started to wonder – was Jim’s initiative ‘Brit-relevant or English-relevant?.... I mean, all things Transporty are sort of devolved nowadays aren’t they? I decided to go to the people who should know.... The Department of Transport.

A quick butchers at the press release makes it clear. The opening paragraph says –
‘A crackdown on the menace of reckless driving was announced by Road Safety Minister Jim Fitzpatrick today as he unveiled a range of new proposals to tackle drink and drug drivers and other dangers on Britain's roads’.

And a direct quote from Jim within the press release clinches it - "Britain has one of the best road safety records in the world and the number of people killed or hurt has fallen dramatically in the last decade. But too many people are still dying on our roads".

Yup – it’s all about Britain all right.... Wondering if I had missed something - and that Transport had been de-devolved back to Westminster, I decided to ring them – just to make sure.

“Hi, is that the section responsible for road safety?”

“Yes”...

“I’ve been watching Jim Fitzpatrick on the telly today – and the new initiative he is launching.... I notice that he keeps on saying it is a British-wide initiative. He keeps on saying it will cover ‘the whole country’. And that’s where I am getting a bit confused. I thought Transport was a devolved responsibility – so how, can Mr. Fitzpatrick be claiming a British jurisdiction when I know he simply does not have the power?”

“Errrrrrr, I’m not sure. Can you hang on a mo’?”

(I hung on for quite a few moes, actually).

“Hello – yes, well. Apparently, Mr. Fitzpatrick was only talking about England”.

“What!!!!!........ Only about England?”

“Yes. Only about England”

“So why has he not mentioned that fact in any of his interviews? Why has he been lying to the public, claiming false responsibilities much further than his remit? Is he some sort of imbecile? Does he not know the difference between Britain and England? Is he geography-deficient? Does he actually know where England is?”

“Err”

“And why is your Press Release a complete lie – you mention Britain several times – but nowhere on that press release do you utter a word about England. Why is that?”

She put the phone down.

Surreal moment of the week...

On last night’s BBC QuestionTime the discussion got around to the financing of the NHS.

Because of the projected belt tightening, and the Tories commitment to dump Labour’s spending plans, the other panelists rounded on the Conservative member. Everyone piled in (including the audience) with their heated opinions, and their commitments to keep up the spending levels in the NHS.... But as this was a discussion relating to central government – and effectively the next Westminster administration, they were, by definition talking about the English NHS.

The programme came from Glasgow, Scotland.

God's own brewery.....

Tonight, I shall mostly be meeting, then drinking some old friends at the Moorhouses brewery tour in Burnley.

Oh yes, they'll all be there - all my old pals, the impeccable Pendle Witch, the superb Pride of Pendle, the smooth as silk Black Cat Mild and the sexy Blonde Witch..

As well as that, we're in for a Pie 'n' Peas supper and some freebee gifts....

It just doesn't get any better than that....

The Union dividend cost me £21.30p today....

Today, I took two prescriptions round to my local chemist. One was a repeater, the other detailed a double dose of drugs prescribed by my Doctor to try and combat a flaring up of my Psoriasis....

All in all, there were three seperate drugs to collect.

All in all, it cost me the princely sum of £21.30p for the priviledge of getting them.

All in all, I'd say it was one hell of a rip off - especially as in the other three countries of the Union have already or are soon to be 'prescription-cost free'.

Hmmmm, don't ya just love that Union dividend?

I do hope that the £21.30p I have given (ever-so gladly) has gone to a more deserving health case in Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland.

Anyway, so pleased was I to be given the opportunity of subbing one of my more deserving Unionistas, I have decided to go and have a word with my MP about it...

Labour Glenrothes - fighting to open a cinema and preserve golf courses...

You've just gotta laugh! Well I did when a had a quick peek at the 'Action Plan of Linday Roy (Labour candidate for the Glenrothes by election).

Lindsay is standing on a programme of ACTION! And if the people of Glenrothes want to keep their golf course and get a cinema, then socialist Lindsay is the man to do it.... (Well, not really as planning and local government are both devolved issues)...

Anyway, back to the 'Action Plan'... Lindsay is under the impression that he can actually do something for the people who he hopes will elect him to a nice comfy leather seat at Westminster...

This taken from the Scottish Labour web site...

Lindsay Roy says:
“My Action Plan for Fife will help people here with their own lives".


A summary of Lindsay’s Action Plan for Fife


Crack down on anti-social behaviour
Visible policing, zero tolerance to drugs, action on underage drinking.
REALITY: Devolved issues – irrelevant to a Westminster MP.

A citizens’ panel to decide where new CCTV should go.
REALITY: Devolved issue – irrelevant to a Westminster MP.


Fight for more opportunities for young people
More sports and recreation facilities for Fife , including public consultation with young people to decide where new pitches should go.
REALITY: Devolved issue – irrelevant to a Westminster MP.

Campaign against Fife Council privatising golf courses and convene an urgent meeting with top cinema chiefs to start bringing a new cinema to central Fife.
REALITY: FORE!! Really, really irrelevant to a Westminster MP.


Sort out the roads and buses
Support dualling and upgrading the A92.
REALITY: Yawn – guess what? Devolved issue – irrelevant to a Westminster MP.
(However, if you wanna mess with an English A road, then fill your boots!)

Demand a clear timetable and funding plan for the Forth Road Bridge that the SNP have delayed.
REALITY: Don’t bother mate, they won’t take any notice of you as this is a devolved issue and therefore has bugger all to do with the likes of you!
(Mind you, English road tolls have bugger all to do with as well - but it won't stop you voting on them at Westminster, will it?)

Give powers back to Fifers so local people can make decisions about their buses.
REALITY: Sorry, yet again you no can do – bus stuff is a devolved issue).
(How about giving power to Englishers?)

Help Fife families through tough times
Benefit “check-ups” to ensure pensioners get the benefits they deserve – including the new, free insulation.
REALITY: Oy, nosey! You can’t do anything about this - again! Nowt to do with you old Son as it is a de-bleeding-volved bleeding-issue, geddit?
(But what about English pensioners, Lindsay? They don't get any of those nice, juicy benefits, including free insulation, do they).

Outlaw overcharging people on pre-pay meters and fight the SNP local income tax.
REALITY: Lindsay, mate - fighting the SNP over their local income tax can only be done in the place where they are producing the legislation. And that ain’t in Westminster!(HA ha.... You should see what we are charged down here Lindsay!)

Oppose greedy oil bosses who keep petrol costs high.
REALITY: Hal-ay-bleeding-leuauh!!! Who’d have thought it! Finally, finally on Lindsey’s action plan, SOMETHING that actually concerns him!...... But as oil prices are set at an international price, and as HM government takes over 70% in tax from the selling price, and as both Brown and Darling have said they cannot touch the oil companies, I don’t think there is much chance of anyone taking any notice of Lindsay... Will they?

Our tip: Lindsay baby, if you want to actually do something, actually try to effect any of those items on your ‘action plan’, we reckon you should try and get elected to the Scottish Parliament..... but who knows, maybe you’d rather be content with doing bugger all at Westminster?

Scottish MPs – what do they actually do?

Part 1 of a weekly series of web delving.....

Yes, yes, I know they seem to spend their entire time shoving their noses into English business at Westminster – but what about their constituents, what do they do for them? Is it busy, busy, busy-all or bugger, bugger, bugger-all?

Because now that devolution has well and truly taken constituent enquiries for Planning, Local Government, Transport, Health and Education out of the in-trays of Scots MPs and piled them up in ever increasing numbers onto their MSP counterparts, we at Hereward House have been wondering what an average Scottish MP now actually does to occupy their time and earn their corn – and what constituency queries they tackle in their surgeries....

Let’s find out by taking a dip into the varied and interesting life of your average Scottish MP via their paid-for-by-the-public websites...

First stop is to the website of Gavin Strang (Labour, Edinburgh East). We are at Gav’s site first because he has provided a useful ‘MP or MSP’ button on his website. This will presumably stop all those embarrassing episodes at his surgery when he has to tell a constituent that he will have to take up the matter with the MSP Organ Grinder and not with him, the MP oily rag....

According to his site, Strang is responsible for - The Constitution, Defence, Foreign affairs, Electricity, coal, oil & gas, Nuclear energy, Employment, Financial and economic matters, Social security...

Susan Deacon the local MSP is responsible for - Agriculture, fisheries and forestry, Economic development, Education, The environment, The arts & sport, Food standards, Health, Housing, Social work, Local Government & planning, Transport policy (Scottish Ports & roads), Tourism....

As can be seen from the Gav-list, Strang is responsible for foreign affairs and defence – I wonder how often someone has sat down at his surgery desk and said “Mr Strang, I’ve been having a lot o’ trouble with Paraguayans parking their tanks on ma lawn – can ye write a letter?”

It is clear to see that Deacon has control of most of the real life day-to-day concerns of an average constituent – who therefore will see their MSP as being more relevant to their aspirations, achieving their goals and righting their wrong.

Assessment of Strang: Thumb twiddler.

Frank Doran (Labour, Aberdeen North) likes to think he has been very busy – as he keeps telling us just how busy he is... Under the sub head of ‘Local Issues’ and the bravura statement which follows it - ‘Below will give you an idea of the varied work that I have undertaken over the years in Aberdeen. Also you will find coverage of other local issues that are important to me personally'.

If you were expecting a typographical tirade of all things passionate from Frank then you really will be disappointed.

Frank’s last entry for the local issues that are apparently important to him personally is about how he was chosen to be a judge a Christmas Card competition. The competition was for Christmas of 2007 – a full year ago. There are no entries for 2008. All in all, there are just 10 ‘Local Issues’ that are important to Frank, stretching all the way back to 1997 – roughly one important issue per year...

Assessment of Doran: Useless lead swinger who isn't passionate about much at all.

Meanwhile, over at Aberdeen South, Anne Begg (Labour) has, according to her web strapline been ‘Standing up for her constituents' In her web page entitled ‘Working hard for you’, Anne shares with us punters exactly what passions have been driving her lately. First story is her protesting about job cuts in the local council (not relevant to her as Local Government is a devolved issue). Then there are three stories about the opening of a Health Centre, a Roving Surgery and a Coffee Morning for a local cancer charity. (All but the last item is not relevant to her as Health is a devolved issue).

Assessment of Begg: Not enough to do, not working hard for anyone. Desperate to get herself linked to local issues that simply have nothing to do with her.

And talking about ‘linkage’, over at Dunfermline West, Willie Rennie (Liberal Democrats) tries a different approach in order to try and hide his rather emasculated constituency duties. Willie has ‘teamed up’ with Jim Tolson, his MSP LibDem counterpart to head up one website. According to the site strap Both Willie and Jim are ‘fighting for Dunfermline and West Fife’.... Phew, that is a relief!

At every opportunity on the site it’s Willie & Jim pictured together doing stuff and fighting for Dunfermline and West Fife. Willie & Jim in hard hats, Willie & Jim in front of hospitals, Willie & Jim pressing the flesh.... It’s like they are joined at the hip. The deception is further enhanced with the single email address, you can only send to info@dunfermline.org.uk for any query – so it is the LibDem constituency backroom boys who decide which Dunfermline Defender of Democracy a constituent eventually gets to see.

Assessment of Rennie: The Willie & Jim show is more of a joke than a comedy act – although admittedly, one is short and fat while the other is tall and thin.

Willie & Jim - "It's 'good job' from him and 'no job' from me"....


Nigel Griffiths (Labour, Edinburgh South) on the other hand comes out fighting. Nigel is an aggressive, tough and no-nonsense type of MP... Throughout his site, Nige is portrayed as a sort of McRambo man of action for his constituents. It’s photos, photos, photos of Nigel as he gets to grips with the great issues concerning the folk on his patch. Got a problem? Call for Nige – if nothing else, he’ll give you a signed photo of himself to stick on your mantelpiece....

Suddenly, I’m getting the faint vibe of the Ghostbusters theme...
If you’ve got a prob,
And it don’t seem real,
Who’re gonna call?
Nige Griffiths!!
(and he will put you in touch with the local MSP who can actually do something)...

Nigel’s news section is a joy to behold. Within are a series of photo opportunities in which Nigel manages to get himself associated with Al Gore (green issues), Aung San Suu Kyi, the Burmese Opposition leader(human rights issues) and a couple of survivors from Nagasaki(nuclear arms race issues). That’s all the world stuff taken care of – but what about the mundane constituency stuff?

No problem! Nigel has simply sashayed over to MSP reserved issues like Education, Transport, Local Government and Health to fill his pages. One news story proclaims - “Fighting to ensure that our schools have proper funding is one of Nigel's key priorities”.... But Nigel baby, surely that is the business of Scots Lib Demmer, Mike Pringle, who is your constituency MSP! Surely it is him who is doing all the fighting on the education, health, transport and planning front. Nigel, thanks to Labour’s great devolution experiment, you have as much influence as any other constituent of Mr Pringle’s?... Surely the best way for you to try and get extra funding is for you to go to one of Mr Pringle’s surgeries and ask him to do what he can to persuade the Scottish Nationalist government to stump up more Barnett cash?

Hey! Who the hell is that guy shaking hands with Nige Griffiths?

However, the prize for brass neckery goes to this entry on his news page –
‘Nigel has produced a leaflet for every resident on the new free medicines service. Everyone who is entitled to free prescriptions can now obtain free medicines from your local pharmacist. This scheme is designed to encourage people to seek the professional advice of a pharmacist for minor conditions to relieve pressure on our doctors. The scheme applies to all children, expectant mothers, senior citizens, unemployed people and others who are on low income. It covers every condition from sore throats to bunyons (sic). Local pharmacist Fiona McCready helped Nigel prepare the leaflet - she is a key Government advisor on community health matters’.

So that’s nice isn’t it? Nigel’s constituents have got free prescriptions all thanks to the Scottish Nationalist administration – and Nigel produces a leaflet about it! What about the seven quid ten pence that we have to pay down here Nige?

Assessment of Griffiths – Likes the rich and famous. Got a narcissistic complex of galactic proportions..... Has delusions of adequacy.. Is he related to Peter Mandelson or what?

Next week – more revelations from the cybersofa of the well paid idle.... Also, we’ll be offering hints and tips to those MP folk north of the border on how to more convincingly look busy without actually doing anything. We'll also be giving them some important daytime telly schedules and be asking them 'is the Jeremy Kyle Show really all that bad?'....

FEAR AND LOATHING OF ENGLAND AT TESCO...

After an illuminating telephone conversation with some bolshy Scottish woman at Tesco Customer Care Centre, yesterday, I have received some disquieting news.
I was informed, that due to specific, constant and deafening requests by their English customers, the existing, very few own brand references to English products in Tesco stores are to be dumped – and replaced with the ‘British’ moniker.
I really do have to say that the conversation was one of the most surreal I have ever had – even by Tesco standards.

I thought I should ring them to discuss ‘CountryLife-Gate’ – and that company’s shameless rebranding of English butter to British butter. I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk (yet again) to Tesco about their branding policy.

I told the Tesco lady that I was looking for another butter to buy with ‘English’ written on the pack – and couldn’t help noticing that Tesco own brand butter did indeed say ‘English Butter’, but unfortunately, the accompanying flag was not the flag of St George but was the flag of the Union.....

I then tried to expand the discussion, sort of telling her that I would like to buy English stuff in Tesco, but there are precious few products in Tesco with the English ident on – and how I thought it was about time they expanded their English range – and as a start, they could change the flag on the Tesco English Butter pack to make it consistent.

“But we are changing it to make it more consistent”

“Well that’s bloody great!”

“Yes, in the very near future, our butter will be labelled as British butter – and of course we will keep the Union flag to make it all consistent”....

“WHAT?”...

She repeated it – and then added “In fact all the remaining products with England of English on them are to be rebranded as British”.

“WHY?”

“Because all our customers in England want their products labelled as British – while all our customers in Scotland, Wales and Ireland want their produce labelled as Scottish, Welsh and Irish”....

“Well who decided that then?”

“Our customer focus groups”

“So let me get this straight – customers in England have specifically demanded that the very few English branded products that Tesco sells must be rebranded to British – because, presumably they find it all too upsetting? “So why haven’t the Scots etc demanded that their products are to be labelled as British also?

“Well they don’t see themselves as British – they see themselves as Scottish – it’s the same with the Welsh and the Irish”...

“How very convenient..... So what you are saying is that the few remaining English products are soon to be bulldozed from the shelves in favour of British ones”....

She did indeed confirm that rogue products like Tesco own brand English Butter and Mild Cheshire Cheese are to be axed for a more apparently palatable British version.

She then read out a communiqué from Head Office –

“Regarding product branding, this is what our Customer Forum has asked us to do”
‘As most English inhabitants look on themselves as being British first – therefore, a Union flag is used to identify the region. NOTE: Regional information is printed on the pack to indicate which area within the region it comes from’.

There then followed a deep and meaningful discussion. The Scots lady said that every time she came south of the border she couldn’t move for union flags – because apparently, all English people are revelling in their British ident... While in her own country she and all her fellow compatriots were Scots first, second and third.

The whole conversation ended in a vexatious row. She just couldn’t grasp how insulted I felt to have my country rebranded as both a ‘region’ and as default Britain’. There is now a definite shift in strategy. They are now quoting ‘Focus Groups’ from the region of England as justification to rebrand to a British ident – and it’s all coming to a Tesco near you.

Utterly shameful....

Today’s action – To ring Wembley Stadium to ask exactly who gave the instructions for Saturday’s pre-match announcement to supporters to ‘stand for the national anthems’ just prior to the England footy match....

Tesco rebrand Cornwall as a country....

Shabby attempt to rewrite geography and history by the world's most hated supermarket chain.
The Tesco 'finest' range includes a flurry of stuff from the English county of Cornwall. And as a craven slave to the pc agenda (and another opportunity to rubbish England), they have seen fit to whack on the Cornish county flag onto the whole product range. As this is Tesco - the hand wringing Rottweiler of the High street, county flagism does not extend to any other own brand produce from the rest of the counties of England.

Lancashire celery, Devon biscuits, Lincolnshire potatoes, Yorkshire Puddings and Cheshire Cheese - all devoid of their county flag moniker - well, they would be, wouldn't they?....

So it's official - even non-countries like Cornwall qualify as a bone fide nation state in the eyes of Tesco - and is suitably rewarded with de facto national patronage. Why? Could it be they are playing the Celtic card yet again? Probably.

Whatever the reason, it's an outrage that Tesco don't apply the same articles of nationhood to England - a country consisting of many, many counties - one of which is Cornwall.

Brian Simpson - Labour MEP getting a bit fed up with the English..

ARE YOU ENGLISH OR BRITISH?
Asks Brian Simpson,North West Region Labour MEP in a recent edition of the Labour magazine “Egremont Today”

“I don’t know about you, but I am getting a bit fed up with those who keep telling me we need to have an extra public holiday centred around St George’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for an extra public holiday, but I am afraid I do not consider myself English. I consider myself British and I believe the extra public holiday should be on a day that is close to all of us British people, not one of its regional parts.

So, I find myself in agreement with George Galloway MP, when he says Battle of Britain Day in September would be the ideal candidate. It is an important date in our history and September can still offer some reasonable weather on which to have a public holiday. Unfortunately English nationalism is on the rise and although 56% of the population still favour being in the UK, 34% believes we should separate into 4 different countries, which I believe would be a disaster. Fuelled by Margaret Thatcher who did her level best to destroy all three of them. For the Welsh, Scottish and Irish, a national identity exists, but what identity exists in England?

I feel as a born and bred Lancastrian, that I have more in common with the Scots and Welsh than I do with Southern England. For me, the English Parliament would be an object disaster for the North of England, as it would be dominated by London and the South East and we would be treated like second-class citizens. No, keep the England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland for the sports field; but in the world that really matters, let’s stick to the United Kingdom and end all of this nationalism nonsense. I am proud to be British, so let’s have a public holiday on a day relevant to Britain. What do you think?”

Brian Simpson’s email is:- Briansimpson.Labour@virgin.net

Labour - just not fair...

This from the Labour Party web site -

A new party political broadcast by the Labour Party will be shown for the first time on Wednesday evening.

The Prime Minister and Leader of the Labour Party Gordon Brown MP and a host of cabinet ministers are shown meeting nurses, teachers, children and business people and hearing of their hopes and concerns.

It highlights Labour's overriding mission of fairness. The fair society. Fairness at home. Fairness in the world - that's the new settlement for new times, and that is what we're fighting for......

And after Gordon's speech on fairness yesterday, it is now more than obvious that 'Fair' and 'Fairness' are the new must-have strap-ons to any statement uttered from any member of the Cabinet of 'None of the Talents'.

I watched the party political. Every single minister managed to shove a lexicon of Fairnesses into his or her spot.

I decided to ring the helpful chaps at Labour HQ to ask them why they thought giving England so little per head of the public purse and also denying us any national democracy were 'fair' things to do?

I ranted.

He stayed mum.

I asked him whether he thought it was 'fair' that people in England still had to pay for prescriptions, still had to pay tuition fees, still had to sell houses to pay for residential care, still had to die for the want of cancer drugs freely available in Scotland.

Still nothing.

I told him I had been a Labour voter - solid for nearly 30 years. But now I had stopped voting for them since 1998 because I considered them nothing more than a bunch of anti-democratic English-hating bastards who wouldn't know a democratic model if she came up and smacked them in the man vegetables with a standard gauge house brick. I furthered that their cringeing policies of celtic patronage will do for the UK within 10 years - and that Gordon Brown was nothing more than a wrong-wired, power-mad arse-nob with an acute Braveheart-Napoleon complex, a sense of humour by-pass, a really crappy smile and a set of reject Charlie Chimpy ears....

Cooly, Mr Labour man said he would pass on my concerns.

Somehow, I cannot imagine he will. Somehow, I cannot imagine, when Gordon touches base at Labour HQ my Mr Labour man, leans over to him and says, "See Gordon, it's not just me, here's another guy who thinks you've got Charlie Chimpy ears"...

If you too would like to pass on your concerns to Mr Labour man, please ring this number 08705 900 200...

.

'FAIR' - the 4 letter word...

Well, that's it, I've stood as much as I can. I cannot stomach Gordon 'Stigmata' Brown any more. His speech is as sugary sweet as Bertie Bassett's wedding tackle coated in syrup.

Some people in the crowd are crying - maybe they wish it was all over - or more likely, they have been compromised by the Brown bullshittery. It's like Snow White meets the Muffin Man as Gordy talks about kids, rugby-gouged eyes, Mansey stuff, hard working families, how fantabulous Brrrrrritain is, social justice ......... and FAIRNESS!

Fairness - is the new black, the new Labour Tour de Farce, the backed-up, back-to-basics commandment of the new Gordon Brown relaunch. Fair is good. Fair is fab.

Fair is a four letter word.

According to Gordon, "Fairness is in Labour's DNA" and Labour is "The rock of stability and Fairness upon which people stand" and apparently, Gordon gets really miffed - he "Gets angry when people are treated unfairly!"

What breathtaking hubris. What utter drivel. What a skip-load of lies.....

As per usual, Brown couldn't tell the difference between Brrrrritain (mentioned billions of times) and England (mentioned twice) when talking about health, education and planning issues.

As per usual, English-only health and education initiatives were buried under the Brrrrritish ident. Again, fairness for England is not on the agenda - again, English fairness is a foreign, almost Kafkaesque concept out of reach and out of mind of the Caledonian cretin.

And as per usual, Gordon managed to get into his speech the usual suspects on his check list..

Hard working families - Check
Loss of an eye - Check
Hard working families - Check
Britain is fabulous - Check
Son of a Manse - Check
Hard working families - Check
Union stronger than ever - Check
International conditions so it wasn't my fault - Check.
Hard working families - Check