In tribute to the imminent disclosure of over a million MP receipts, West Lancashire poet Tom McDonald, inspired by Kipling's best known poem has penned the following tome....
Just as if...
If you can keep your houses when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
About your freebies of which there’s quite a few
If you can bait and not be tired of baiting,
When you tell the voters that you’d never tell them lies
If you are hated and care not of the hating,
When you’re up to no good and think that it’s wise
If you can scheme for light-bulbs and cracked plaster,
If rising damp in the swimming pool is to blame,
You could tell your bankers of this dire disaster,
Because you know that you and they are just the same.
If you don’t know the truth of what you’ve spoken,
With your twisted way of rigging complex rules
When you see the things we gave our lives to broken,
As we stoop and build ‘em up with worn out tools.
If you can make one heap of what you’re claiming,
And compare it with the hoard of Jonathon Ross,
And brood and start again at what you’re aiming,
And never breathe a word unto your boss.
If you can stake your claim for heating up the lawn,
And the contents from a horse’s steaming stall
Get paid for nappies, bath plugs, and for steamy porn,
While chandeliers swing gaily in the hall.
If you can talk with crowds and feign your virtue,
Or walk with kings nor lose the commons touch,
If neither friends nor Jeremy Paxman can hurt you,
And if some men count with, you but not too much.
If one’s denied as middleclass in classy mags.
And they say that person is not what he seems
Then how is it that he owns two brand new jags
And the place he lives has brand new Tudor beams.
If you would like your fortune to continue,
To serve your turn and keep you as a toff,
Don’t tell Joe Public what they think is in you,
Even though you’d tell these peasants to sod off!
If you can talk on telly for one minute,
About the rules and what you never hid,
Then yours is the oyster and the pearl that’s in it,
And what’s more, you’ll be an MP, our kid....
Tom McDonald, West Lancashire.