Tuesday, May 30th, London, England.
At great expense to the taxpayer, King Tony and his lovely consort, Queen Cherie have broken into their freebie holiday in Tuscany, grabbed a passing ‘plane from the Queen’s Flight and flown back to grey old Blighty to publicly support the Justice for England campaign. As Queen Cherie so succinctly explained, “It was the least we could do, the cause is just and noble – and anyway, it tops up our ‘Air miles’ portfolio…… by the way, are there any fees for this engagement?”….
With great ceremony, gravitas and bravura, King Tony wafted his hands around a lot, overloaded on pregnant pauses, wiped a tear from his eye and declared that if England were a foreign country then he would be tempted to invade it in order to restore democracy. A journalist politely pointed out that as he was in fact a Scot, England was therefore a country foreign to him. He had therefore already invaded and occupied – along with the rest of the Scottish Rajanistas, but had singularly failed to restore any sort of democracy - except for the undemocratic kind.
King Tony flatly denied he was a Scot “Och nooo, Jimmy. I can absolutely say with utter Anglo Saxon absolution that I am not a Scot, just an ordinary kinda English guy….Why, even now I can remember hearing the sound of Bow Bells ringing from the Newcastle Town Hall when I was born. Pearly Kings, whelks, jellied haggis……. I’m a true cockernee-geordie sparrer-magpie geezer and no mistake, gavnor. Gor blimey I can still remember my childhood baggy-shorted England football heroes striding out on the green, black and white sward of Wembley - Stanley Matthews, Tommy Lawton, ‘W’or’ Jocky Wilson, Prezza the midfield terrier, Mel Gibson, Wee Willie Wallace, Jackie & Bobby Krankie, Lobby Ludd, Robbie Fowler…..er, Nobbie Burns…. Bobby Bruce …. and that great Newcastle United forward line of Charles, Rennie and McIntosh…. Poetry in motion…. Away the lads and all that!”..…..
Unfortunately for the campaign coffers, King Tony, citizen number 1 declined to divvy up the necessary coinage for the ribbons - giving the excuse that he’d left his purse on a balcony in a Tuscany villa. Cherie couldn’t help either – she never discusses money, only fees. By way of a diversionary tactic, Queen Cherie, citizen number 2 suddenly declared that everyone should pray for England. With great aplomb, and showing rare resolve in managing for once not to look like a corpse, Queen Cherie put her hands together and said “Repeat after me…….
God help England”…..
Amen to that, Missus.
1 comment:
Before the '97 election he was asked whether he considered himself English or Scottish and answered "English". Of course, we now know that he considers himself to be God.
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