To Mr Ken Livinstone, Mayor of London, England.

Yes, honest, London is in England

Dear Mayor Ken,

I've just been on your website and couldn’t help noticing a ginger headed guy in a big floppy green and white comedy hat on the home page. I clicked on the link and was immediately transferred to ‘Paddy’sWorld’ – a whole new green experience. Judging by the stuff planned, next Sunday in London is going to be wall to wall O’Celebrating. It is of course the all singing, all dancing, all drinking-Guinness, St Patrick's Day celebration - when everyone in the whole world becomes an Irishman for the day. They're all doing it - I understand that Saddam Hussein has managed to trace his roots back to Malachie O’Hussein of the O’Hussein clan from County Clare. Even our esteemed leader, Tonio Blair has managed to find a link with a prominent Irish family. He reckons he’s related to Bono – and is, even now trying to arrange a meeting with his long lost Irish rellie at the U2 frontman’s private island in the Caribbean…. The first three weeks in July will apparently suit Tone, the wife and his kids the best. One thing’s for sure, when those two meet, the Strats’ are going to get a fearful fretting…. Ugly Rumour meets Enormous Ego.

Back to next Sunday..... The march is going to be big, really big - and it will take in Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square and Covent Garden......

As a proud Englishman, living in England (a country) - I'm anxious to know whether London, my capital city, the capital city of my country, which is England, will be having a similar, or perish the thought an even bigger celebration to mark St George's Day. In case you have forgotten, St George is England’s patron Saint – and his feast day is on the 23rd of April - and what joy of joys, this year it falls on a Sunday!!! I’ve had a butchers on your website, but there just doesn’t seem to be anything planned for St George.

Perhaps it’s an oversight, maybe you forgot? Tell me Ken, you’re not related to O’Amnesiacs of …….... sorry, it's gone.

Can you liase with your old mate, P.C. Sir Ian Blair (related to the Bobby O’Blair clan of County Donegal?) – and get him to clear the streets for a bit of a knees up on the 23rd. Yes, I know money’s tight in London at the moment – and yes I know you’ve already shelled out nearly 200 grand on the St Patrick’s Day extravaganza, but couldn’t you have a bit of a whip round down at County Hall?

A monkey, a plate of vol-au-vents and a bloke with a big floppy red and white comedy hat on your website should do the trick. Maybe a nice website message would be good - something along the lines of : "London will celebrate St George's Day with a free parade and festival on Sunday 23rd April. The event marks the enormous contribution English people have made to the capital, socially, economically and historically. All are invited to join in the fun - it's a great day out for all the family. So come along, let's party and celebrate St George, patron Saint of England! (that's a country by the way)"

I'm sure it’s bound to be a really great day, and everyone in the whole wide world will be trying their best to be an Englishman for a few hours….. Even you Ken? ...... Tell me Mr Livingstone, you’re not related to the NuLabour Livingstones of anywhere but England brigade are you?

Note: St George is in no way related to the O'Saint family of County Kildare..... but then again, neither is St Patrick.