'FAIR' - the 4 letter word...

Well, that's it, I've stood as much as I can. I cannot stomach Gordon 'Stigmata' Brown any more. His speech is as sugary sweet as Bertie Bassett's wedding tackle coated in syrup.

Some people in the crowd are crying - maybe they wish it was all over - or more likely, they have been compromised by the Brown bullshittery. It's like Snow White meets the Muffin Man as Gordy talks about kids, rugby-gouged eyes, Mansey stuff, hard working families, how fantabulous Brrrrrritain is, social justice ......... and FAIRNESS!

Fairness - is the new black, the new Labour Tour de Farce, the backed-up, back-to-basics commandment of the new Gordon Brown relaunch. Fair is good. Fair is fab.

Fair is a four letter word.

According to Gordon, "Fairness is in Labour's DNA" and Labour is "The rock of stability and Fairness upon which people stand" and apparently, Gordon gets really miffed - he "Gets angry when people are treated unfairly!"

What breathtaking hubris. What utter drivel. What a skip-load of lies.....

As per usual, Brown couldn't tell the difference between Brrrrritain (mentioned billions of times) and England (mentioned twice) when talking about health, education and planning issues.

As per usual, English-only health and education initiatives were buried under the Brrrrritish ident. Again, fairness for England is not on the agenda - again, English fairness is a foreign, almost Kafkaesque concept out of reach and out of mind of the Caledonian cretin.

And as per usual, Gordon managed to get into his speech the usual suspects on his check list..

Hard working families - Check
Loss of an eye - Check
Hard working families - Check
Britain is fabulous - Check
Son of a Manse - Check
Hard working families - Check
Union stronger than ever - Check
International conditions so it wasn't my fault - Check.
Hard working families - Check

He's still the Irony Chancellor.....

Big beast, Gordon Brown delivers his big beast of a beasty speech today at the sheep dip formerly known as the Labour Party Conference.

Gordon, who bleeds for Britain via the stigmata on his hands & feet has ordered an extra large truck load of Kleenex today in preparation for the spontaneous sobbing from delegates on the floor. The reason? Well, fair minded Gordon will remind us how important 'fairness' is in today's union of happy nations.

He'll stress how he will crawl over red hot coals in order to deliver his fairness agenda to everyone.... (apart from the English, obviously).

To deliver the speech with the utmost gravitas, he'll also go on about the poor little children in Africa, his rugby injury, his Mansey Dad, his Scottish roots, his kids, his dumpy wife, his Cabinet of all the talents, Nelson Mandela and his fantastic ability to deliver this country from the moron who got us into this mess in the first place - Tony Blair's Chancellor (whoever he was!).....

But most offensively, he'll go on about 'fairness'.

The irony is truly staggering.

Oh to be in England (now the twister season is upon us)...

A procession of twisters forming over a sodden housing estate in West Lancashire, late August, 2008...

Hospital Parking - Scot free (well nearly)...

What a laugh.

The Scottish Government has announced that they are scrapping all parking fees at their Scottish hospitals.

Well nearly. They are all going to be scrapped apart from in the car parks of 3 major hospitals - these are tied into PPP-PFI agreements and the Scottish Government reckon it would cost a small fortune to get out of the agreements...

Unfortunately, while everyone is welcoming the abandonment of the charges, there is some vexation that 3 hospitals are still going to be charging punters and patients alike. Unison branch secretary (Glasgow and Clyde) Cathy Miller said: "No-one agreed with this additional tax on staff, patients and visitors. But we are angry that the minister seems unwilling to be bold enough to remove charges from PPP-PFI sites. This decision will create a two-tier system with staff and patients who are unlucky enough to be on a PFI site such as Glasgow Royal Infirmary being charged for the pleasure."

Hmmm, a two tiered system, eh?

She's right of course - a one tier system is far fairer...... like we have in England!

In England, all hospitals charge for parking, so that's all right then.

And then there's our one tier system for prescription charges, our one tier system for the absence of expensive drugs, our one tier system for tuition fees, our one tier system for abusing the aged and our one tier system for bugger-all national democracy.

Don't you just love our one tiers of joy?

Norfolk & Holmes – the estate agent of choice...

I watched a great programme on BBC3 last week. It was the sort of programme the BBC used to make years ago before the age of spin doctoring, inter-liaisonal projects with the resident party in power and the creation of BBC’s ‘Number 10 Brown-nosing unit’ (Motto, we’ll get so far up Brown’s backside, he’ll think we’re piles). It was part of the ‘Mischief’ series in which presenter Alex Riley had set up a new estate agency with a difference – ‘Norfolk & Holmes’ (not to be confused with the bookmakers ‘Norfolk & Chance’ and the Fat Friends Club – ‘Norfolk & Weigh’).

Who’d have thought it? Anglo Saxon irony on Auntie Beeb! Heads are sure to roll at the BBC when Gordon’s McStasi work it out.

Riley’s remit was to travel the length and breadth of England, finding just a small fraction of the estimated 1 million empty homes that blight our land –and then asking awkward questions to Council Dons and Government Lackeys as to why so many houses were being left empty and derelict while our glorious leader keeps banging on about the need to concrete over England with 3 million new rabbit hutches....

The most obscene part of the show was in Liverpool – row upon row of fantastic Victorian houses, some as big as five bedroom dwellings boarded up and awaiting demolition. It was a surreal site, Riley strolling around entire streets, no people, no cars, nothing. Every house empty, every community destroyed...... I mean, who could be responsible for such an arse up? Who do we know who’s as thick as pig sh*t, as dyslexic as a cooking funt and likes to have a Jag’ to transport his mighty corpulence to places where he just isn’t wanted...

There can be only one. John Prescott and his Pathfinder project.

In all, some 15,000 houses in the Anfield area of the city are empty. It’s the result of the Lib-Dem council (voted the worst run council in the entire country) trousering the cash from central government to help the moron Prescott realise his cretinous ‘Pathfinder’ dream . Anfield is now a ghetto, a suppurating monument to a shambolic cretin of a man and a money grabbing, no-honour cabal of local little Hitlers. And there they stand today. Street after street of brick husks – a gaunt, empty tribute to the consequences of the credit crunch and Labour’s continued obsession with the worst kind of unsocial engineering.

Riley interviewed a former resident of the community. She sort of hit the nail on the head, when she said the council told her the existing houses were jerry-built death traps – and it would be best if they were all knocked down to be replaced by bright, shiny new ones. The only problem was that the bright shiny new houses would be way out of the reach of the displaced community – so God knows where they would end up.....

Riley got a team of surveyors in to have a look at the state of the boarded up houses. They poured scorn on the claims of the council, stating that the quality of the existing houses, even in their abandoned state could not be matched by new build replacements. They took Riley round to see a street that had repulsed the unwanted attentions of Prescott’s chipolata fingers. Each house had been done up at around 20 grand each. The builders had sold them to locals – the place, as they say in Liverpool, was buzzin’....

And so it was ever thus. Agendas, no matter how bizarre, no matter how flaky are pushed by an administration so wrapped up in their own demented agendas, that everything they touch degrades England just a little more . In order to find out what the bloody hell is going on, Riley tried to have a word with the brassy hagged Minister for Housing, Caroline Flint.

In a nanosecond, gobby Flint became coy Caroline. She slipped out of a side entrance at the Ministry for Housing so she wouldn’t have to meet him.

Pathetic.

You can watch the show, here.

‘Dirty English’, the new fragrance for men – apparently.

‘Juicy Couture’ the hippest fashion house in America has brought out a new range of street cred’ smelly stuff for your not-so-average urban male...

The range is called ‘Dirty English’ – and according to Juicy, ‘it’s the scent of irresistible bad boys all over the world – Dirty English, the new fragrance for men’.... (Yeah, but it ain’t no Old Spice, is it?)



How do I feel about this? Insulted, obviously – but then again, am I being a tad over sensitive? For all I know, the marketing men at Juicy might have chucked other similarly contentious monikers for consideration by the focus groups...
‘Corpulent Gobby Yanks’, maybe. Or how about ‘Sweaty Jocks (trap)’.... ‘Garlic Eating Surrender Monkey French’.... ‘Whinging Minging Aussies’..... ‘Stormtrooping Germans’......

Or maybe they didn’t – for obvious reasons.
So why do they think it’s OK to insult us?

Spot the Union Flag...

Cardiff, a Union flag-free zone
In today's Gordon Brown world of total Britishness, I tuned into BBC News to witness five bemedalled Welsh Olympians being presented to an ecstatic crowd outside the Welsh Assembly building.

I expected to see the beaming athletes wrapped in their British flags - while an adoring crowd waved their little Union Flags for all they were worth.....

Some hope.

It was dragons all the way, the crowd, the flagpoles and the athletes were dripping with the dragon rampant. Not a Union Flag in sight, anywhere. Cue interviews. They were so proud to be Welsh. They were no longer British, they were Welsh - and it was fab....

The Scottish version will happen tomorrow, as wil the Northern Irish one....
But what about the English?

Oh yeah, of course. We are 'British' aren't we?

UPDATE....

I'm back.
For the last few weeks I have been a bit busy putting together the latest edition of 'English Voice' - which has, as usual been a bit of a labour of love (and a hell of a lot of hard work).

My email facility has been goosed for a few weeks - a result of a row between myself and my provider about which accounts I wanted to renew (and pay for) - and which I wanted to dump. Happily, Henry Kissinger was passing by the other day and has now sorted everything out - the result being that we are all friends again, and at last, I have my email back.

So now English Voice has safely been despatched to the printer I have got a bit more time - and will be posting more often from now on ('whoopy do', I hear you cry).

On another matter, over the past few months, I have been travelling around England - as a start of my personal journey to 'See it while I can before it becomes a Gordon Brownfield site' I will be writing about the places I have visited and posting them on the 'Alfred the OK' blog. First essay coming up will be concerning the City of Bath, the Mendips and the 700 year old 'George' pub which is one of the oldest hostelries in the whole of England and was the Headquarters of the Duke of Monmouth shortly before his defeat at the Battle of Sedgemoor.

The UK Youth Parliament - It’s young, it’s dynamic, it’s all happening - NOT!

Hooray, it’s the UK Yoof Parliament!

They’re there to speak up for the kids, to tell all those old fart controlling fuddy-duddies at Westminster exactly what they can do with their skewed view of democracy, the appalling West Lothian fit-up, the English-only tuition taxes fiasco - and the tax on lollipops..

And guess what, this isn’t some tin-pot rabble of supa-strength cider-drinking delinquent losers – oh no, they’re organised, their leaders press the flesh with lots of Establishment movers and shakers, and only last week, some of their members were on the BBC news 24 station waxing lyrical about ‘knife crime’ and how to solve it, innit.

Of course, in order to spread the word of the young right across the UK, they have devolved youth organisations in Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland ....... But not in England, obviously.

And after an email to ‘Tom’, one of their funky, young leaders (I’ve put a tenner on him becoming Prime Minister within 30 years), I was told that there were no plans to introduce an English Youth Parliament.... and they also had no thoughts on devolution, or on how the skewed UK constitutional model could be fixed.... “As an organisation we don’t have a particular viewpoint on devolution.... Basically we are a youth organisation and the creation of an English parliament is not an issue which is at the top of young people’s priorities.” Regards, Tom, FPM (Future Prime Minister).

I don’t know about you, but I thought being young was all about swimming against the flow, having an attitude, being a bit of a pain in the arse for what you believe in – and asking ‘Why’, ‘Why should I?’ and ‘Why not’ a lot. But apparently, I’m wrong. The UKYP appears to be little more than a sort of Kindergarten, ’Toddling-Politics Crèche’ for budding Establishment politicians –‘Join the UK Youth Parliament – and ready yourself for a life in politics, courtesy of the taxpayer’

Just what is the point of setting up a youth parliament that is not only a ‘Mini-me’ clone of the flawed, self indulgent and corrupted big boys version at Westminster - but again ignores the English and national English representation?

And now it seems all so predictable! Delving a little deeper, it appears that the UK Youth Parliament is bankrolled by the UK Government, while the devolved youth parliaments are financed by the corresponding devolved administrations.....

This taken from the UK Youth Parliament News Archive -

'UKYP received from Government only £110k for the 2002/3 year and £165k this current year whereas we understand that Funky Dragon(the Welsh Youth Parliament) received around £280k in 2002/3'.

The DfES sponsored review we hope will address such resourcing issues as well as structural options. As the report points out, there is no English Youth Parliament so UKYP effectively provides that function as well. It works in particular with local authorities and the emerging English regional structures. This is a direction favoured in many political quarters rather than an England wide approach. Mrs Hodge’s comment on the "need for [a separate] English Youth Parliament" brings an added dimension to the debate."

Amazing, the Welsh version gets not far off three times as much as the the UK model, no doubt thanks to the good old Barnett Formula cash box - and the UKYP is doubling up as an English Youth Parliament. Some things never change - don't you just love it?

Alfie versus the Co op (ethical fraud monkeys)....

“Hi, is that the PR section of Co-op banking?"

“Yes”

“Are you the environmentally sensitive Co-op that defends Amazonian Indians and who will not accept business customers unless they fit into your ethical matrix?”

“Well yes, that’s correct. We think it’s important to have standards. We will not deal with businesses who engage in nefarious activities such as arms trading, the destruction of the rain forests... or indeed, those who would wantonly exploit native peoples”.......

“Like the native indigenous people of Amazonia?”...

“Exactly..... And our fantastic new Co-op ‘THINK’ credit card really does spell out in full our ethical credentials. Not only does it reward you for making ethical choices on your purchases, but also makes a contribution of 25p for every £100 spent to Cool Earth, a charity that buys and protects the rainforest against development. But thinking ethically doesn't stop with thinking green, which is why we have identified Ethical Partners that consider other important issues, such as fairtrade, sound sourcing or animal welfare - it's all important in making a difference to our world.....”

“And that policy regarding the protection of indigenous peoples – that applies to all indigenous peoples around the world, wherever they might live in the whole wide world, right?”

“Exactly right....... If you are interested, I can send you some literature on our ethical and green credentials if you like?”

“No, no, let’s save a tree or two - don’t bother sending me anything...........
But, before I go, can you answer me this one nagging question I have?”

“Absolutely”

“My question is – If you consider it totally wrong to put a concrete development in the middle of the Amazon....”

“Absolutely wrong”

“Yeah, if the Co-op considers it totally, absolutely wrong to build a town in the Amazon, then why is it totally, absolutely right to build a new town on a verdant green field site in the middle of the Leicestershire countryside? And not only that, why is it totally, absolutely right that the wishes of the indigenous people of rural Leicestershire will be ignored for the sake of a fast buck – and the consequences of that fast buckery will be that they will be displaced by the bulldozers so that a new town can be built? And why is it totally absolutely right that the developers of this projected new town on verdant green Leicestershire countryside is none other than the Co-op?.......

“You know, the very same 'ethical', 'moralistic' and supposedly ‘green’ Co-op that apparently defends the rights of indigenous peoples, everywhere...... except those who live in England, apparently......

“Tell me, in view of this appalling abuse of ethics and the total disregard afforded to green issues, will the ethically inspired Co-op be cutting up all the credit cards of 'the Co-op' – and refuse to bank for them because of the wanton vandalism, exploitation of the indigenous population of rural Leicestershire and for putting naked greed above your ethical mission statement so brazenly forwarded at every single opportunity?

“Well, will you?”

“Let me put you on hold”.....

A minute later, and he’s back......

“Hello..... Yes, well, the ECO development in Leicestershire is an ECO driven initiative. It is reclaiming some old land, including an airfield – and putting it to good use, in the most ECO sensitive way.”

“What’s with all the ECO prefixing? You know, and I know that Caroline Flint, the Housing Minister has admitted that the ECO Town initiative is little more than an exercise in opening up the English countryside to urban development. ECO does not stand for ‘Ecological’ it stands for ‘Economy’ – making money at the expense of others.

“And anyway, I think you will find that the airfield is actually nothing more than a very thin airstrip. It is a thin strip of tarmac on a green field – unfortunately, you don’t just want to build on the thin air strip, or even on the green field which has the thin airstrip on it – you want to build on all the other many green fields that surround the green field with the airstrip, don’t you? 15,000 people are projected to be living in this new town, with many more to come. Isn’t it a fact that a lot of that supposedly brown field land is currently being farmed by you the Co-op, currently the UK’s biggest farmer with over 70,000 acres under the plough.

“Silence”

“Let’s cut to the chase. Let’s just stop with all the ethical bull. Let’s tell it like it actually is. The Co-op is just the same as every other massive money business, greedy, mendacious, opportunistic. Only in your case, you’d sell your Granny for a few bob – just as long as she was wearing green slippers and that her false teeth weren’t made of elephant ivory.

"You need to think of a new slogan. Instead of the all the green ethical stuff, just try and be honest.... How about ‘The Co-op, greedy low lives, eager to shaft the locals, even those in the Amazon (once we open our Rio branch)......"

“But......”

Don’t try to flannel me with the ethical rubbish, the green rubbish or any other eco waffle. You are planning to concrete over and despoil forever another piece of English countryside. You’ve been bought by a dour Scotsman’s gold. You should be bloody ashamed of yourselves..........

CO-OP DEFINITIONS -
Non-indigenous English farmer....

Indigenous Amazon hunter....

English countryside, redefined as 'brown field'....

The Amazon, the jewel in the Co-op's crown....

It's started. English-only Planning Laws clear way for new nuclear power stations in double quick time...

'At least eight new nuclear power stations are to be approved within the next two years and built swiftly under fast-track planning procedures....

Gordon Brown believes that they will be needed to avoid an energy crisis in the next decade, and more will follow as the world tries to reduce its dependence on oil for power'......

Paying the ultimate price....

One of my sons has signed up for the army. He’ll be joining REME and will be training as a helicopter technician – but as he is in the army, his first priority will be as a soldier. That means going to Iraq, Afghanistan or wherever else the closet dictators in number 10 deem to start the next war. It will mean servicing helicopters in those theatres of battle – but it will also mean going out on patrol....

I am not too happy about it at all. Fighting to defend your own country is one thing – but putting your life at risk in a God forsaken desert village to preserve Tony Blair’s flawed credentials is quite another. The problem is, there is nothing else to do around where we live – his previous job was working part time at Tesco.

All the labouring work has been taken by Poles, all the farm working jobs are being done by Latvians and all the engineering and production jobs that used to abound round here have all gone to China......

So there seems not a lot of choice if you cannot afford Uni' and are not interested in IT - so he has decided that the army is his chosen career move. And last week, the risk that is run when you join up was brought home to us in the most brutal of fashions... Sarah Bryant was killed in Afghanistan, courtesy of a roadside bomb. She was the first British woman soldier to die there.

Sarah and her Dad, Des Feely on her wedding day.

Although shocked, with the daily inevitability of casualties, I did what millions of others do when we heard the news. We tutted, we cursed Blair for getting us involved in the first place, we cursed Brown for stripping the defence budget to the bone..... But essentially, she was just another casualty of a pointless war..

And then last Thursday, I picked up our local paper and clocked the story about the tragedy in Afghanistan. It transpired that Sarah Bryant had actually been born in our village. She was the only daughter of Des Feely, the then landlord of the Red Lion public house, situated not half a mile from our house.

The Red Lion was my local, we used to go there around twice a week for a natter with Des. Sometimes he would organise a lock in and we would stagger out around 3 in the morning. Des loved the life, but then, his wife delivered him a daughter and suddenly his priorities changed. A pub was no place to bring up a child – so around 20 years ago, they sold the pub and Des took a desk job in a brewery. That was the last time I saw them, we had a right good knees up on his last night and wished him and his family all the best for the future.

And now his life is in ruins. His only child blown to pieces in a ‘snatch’ landrover (code for having very little armoured protection).

What a waste.

The NHS at sixty...

I wonder what Nye Bevan would make of it all?


The father of the NHS must surely be spinning in his grave at the state ‘his baby’ has got into, courtesy of New Labour’s reorganisation police...

Lord Darzi, one of Gordon Brown’s apparently bestest, most glitteringly talented of the ‘talents’ in his Cabinet of all the Talents is about to publish his seminal work on improving the NHS in England.

Lots of paper trailing has been going on. Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been doing the TV studio rounds over the last few days telling the gullible public that this report is all about radically improving the service across ‘the whole country’. As per usual, the BBC has been doing its not-level-playing-field best to queer the pitch. Key soundbites like ‘ending the post code lottery’ and ‘a fairer deal for patients’ have been spewing from the mouths of eager young BBC Brownanistas like a rampant case of the bloody flux....

Gordon Brown, the guy with the clunking club fist has posted his thoughts in the report’s preface - "It is a bold vision for an NHS which is among the best healthcare systems in the world - a once-in-a-generation opportunity that we owe it to ourselves and our families to take".....

Not really, is it Gordon? I mean, this isn’t even a sticking plaster solution to the problem. Because unless and until you give an extra £400 to every man woman and child in England and thus achieve parity with the spending per head in Scotland, Darzi is merely rearranging the MRSA infected furniture. We’ll still be denied the life saving drugs, standard to everyone else in this union of the unequals.

I mean, the English NHS isn’t even one of the best healthcare systems in the UK – in fact it’s the worst. Fourth out of four.

If the 4 healthcare systems were cars, the Scots would be driving a Roller. The Welsh a Range Rover and the Northern Irish a Mondeo..... And the English? A second hand Ford Capri.

What Darzi is proposing is a few go faster stripes, a new Magic Tree car scent freshener and a couple of furry dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
Tarting up will not do. The English NHS is still a shed. The tragedy is that Brown, the quisling Johnson and the rest of this government of occupation are perfectly willing to see English lives sacrificed for the sake of Celt Gelt bribery.


Our Health Secretary shows exactly what he thinks of the English sick

Youngest nation in Europe gets anthem.....

(so what about one of the oldest getting one as well then?)

Kosovo, Europe's massaged bright new nation, hewn out of solid Serbian dogma by freedom loving Tony Blair and Georgy Bush, has been living the dream via her very own national anthem. It got its first airing at the weekend amongst watery eyes, fanfairyness and Serbian teeth-gnashings in the shiny new capital of Pristina.

Even the BBC was there – reporter Helen Fawkes enthused “For the authorities, it is a crucial part of nation building and is something which is designed to unite the people of Kosovo”...

Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? Apparently, according to the BBC, having your own national anthem is a crucial part of nation building....... I expect that’s why England doesn’t have one then?

Allowing England to have her own national anthem? Absolutely preposterous and dangerously seditious to even go there.... Why, we’ll be asking for our own national parliament next....

Gordon Brown doesn’t do kissy-kisses.....

(but then he does, and obviously gets it hopelessly wrong)

Did anyone see Gordon Brown and his lady wife greeting the Bushes yesterday outside Number 10? If you did, it would have told you absolutely everything you needed to know about what is wrong with our man at the top.

George and his Missus, got out of their huge stretched limo, (does it do hen night tours at the weekend?) and strode over to the Browns. Gordy stretched out his great clunking fist and shook George’s hand. No problem there. Mano e mano – Scottish Son of the Manse meets Southern Bible basher.

And then Brown moved onto the l’il lady. He shook Laura Bush’s hand as outstretched as he could make it. The Broon personal space was left secure as Laura was kept at arm’s length from the great moral crusader. They disengage. Laura isn’t going to get a kissy smooch from Gordy – she looks relieved. Unfortunately, George Bush has, by this time moved onto wasshername. Mrs Brown and George exchange a light cheek to cheek kiss – hardly surprising I suppose when you remember that the Bushes have just flown in from Paris.

As all this up close and personal was going on, Gordon looked over his shoulder at his wife’s tete a tete. Obviously, if his missus is doing kissy kisses, then he is going to have to do them also. With that, lips puckering for Scotland, he lunges at the wilting flower that is Laura Bush. The First Lady turns her left cheek in readiness to accept the peck. Unfortunately, Gordon has decided he is going to kiss her on her right cheek.

Awkward. Cringing. Embarrassing.....

But as the pro she is, Laura Bush readjusts to accept Brown’s puckered lips. He plants a big slobbery one on her right cheek. You can almost see her sigh with relief. Thank God that is over..... Except, it isn’t. True to form, Brown the unetiquetted slob just doesn’t get it. He’s kissed her on the right – now he’s going totally OTT and giving her one on the left, also.


The whole episode sort of sums up what Brown is all about. Nothing is natural with him, nothing is spontaneous..... it’s all connived, 100% robotic, 100% false. Anne Widdecombe once famously described Michael Howard as having “something of the night” about him..... But what is it about Gordon Brown? If John Redwood is a Vulcan, what is Gordon Brown? Some say he’s a Klingon, others think he’s a moron. One thing’s for sure, he’s a guy devoid of social skills, he has no idea of social intercourse – his people skills are about as sophisticated as a knee in the groin...

Dianne Abbott said last week on ‘This Week’ that in an effort to get her to vote for the 42 day detention proposition, Gordon Brown actually rang her. Abbott said it was the first time he had talked to her in over 20 years.... She then said it wasn’t that unusual as he hadn’t even spoken to some of his own ministers..... Gordon Brown doesn’t do communication – he’s lost in a world of hair-shirted self repression and puritanical zeal.....

I would suggest he has ‘something of Marvin, the paranoid android’ about him.....

42 DAYS – the great conundrum...

Today, the Labour rebels will have to decide –

Vote for 42 days without charge – and save Gordon Brown from a crippling defeat that may well trigger a ‘government in office but not in power’ scenario – which will then spiral to an inevitable early General Election.....

OR,

Vote against 42 days without charge – and uphold the ancient traditions of this country - and of our hard won and precious freedoms, even though this may well trigger a ‘government in office but not in power’ scenario which will then spiral to an inevitable early General Election, and to inevitable landslide defeat.

Lots and lots of rebel Labour MPs will lose their seats, lots and lots of them will end up out of a job and unemployable, save for flogging their parliamentary paper clips on eBay...... No more 125k package, no more ‘with balls’ pensions, no more think of a number, double it, then treble it, then add a couple of zeros, expense claims. No more free second homes, no more free Sky TV package, no more free food, no more claiming 30k a year for secretarial services provided by the family dog, no more ‘research trips’ to the dregs of the world, like Barbados, Acapulco and Monte Carlo, no more 18 weeks paid holiday a year....

I wonder which way they will vote?

Labour admit to being ‘bigotist’ towards the English....

It’s official, the NuLab project of annihilation of all things English has reached the end game. England’s very own Culture Minister, the flawed and deeply unpleasant champagne socialist Margaret Hodge has admitted that over the last 2 years, a pathetic 230 quid had been spent by her department on celebrating St George’s Day. Three years before that, they spent bugger all.

This year, their £120 budget amounted to around 0.0000023 of a penny for each of England’s 50 million souls.....

It makes Justice Minister Jack Straw’s recent declaration that “the English should reclaim the day from 'bigots'.....” all a bit of a sad, sick joke. Jack, baby. The only bigots in town appear to be yourself and your Brown nosing Cabinet colleagues.

I wonder how much money England’s very own Culture Minister has given to celebrate St Patrick’s Day(Ireland), St Frumentius Day(Ethiopia), St Casimir Day(Poland), St Francis of Assisi Day(Italy) and every other Saint’s day you care to mention over the past few years?...

Nu Labour are practising cultural genocide on this country – pure and simple. England’s 50 million people are being rebranded and repackaged as Britain-Lite, while England the country, the entity, the cultural giant is left to wither and die.

New Labour - English-hatin', gobsmackin', awful-governin', control-freakin', lyin'shits...

Mild cheese terrorist outrage in Tesco...

Tesco Chief Executive, Sir Terry Leahy, put his 'Flying Flag Squad' on full alert last night as it emerged that a desperate cell of cheese and flag guerrillas had stuffed his stores with dairy products bearing the flag of St George.

Last night, every Tesco store in the country was ruthlessly searched for the rogue 'Mild Cheddar' packs, which were stripped from the shelves and unceremoniously dumped into landfill sites 'somewhere in the UK' .

Trying to reassure a panicking public, a Tesco spokesperson, said that if customers had inadvertantly bought a pack, they could claim a full refund with no questions asked - but those in Scotland would also each qualify for a free bonus of 100,000 Tesco shopping points and a 4 pack of Tennent's Super Strength Lager to get over the shock of it all (well, every little helps!).

In a desperate bid to repair this PR disaster, Sir Terry said he was organising a massive TV campaign using well known Big Yin, Billy Connolly as the voice over.

A strap line for the campaign have not yet been finalised but a few possible options are being analysed by Tesco focus groups... a strong early favourite is believed to be...

"English f***ing mild f***ing cheddar? Are ye 'aving a f***ing laugh or what? I'd rather eat one of ma own f***ing kidneys, ye soft southern f***er'....."

NOTE - Only the 'mild cheese versions of the product line have a St George's flag on them - the medium and strong products are devoid of our national ident...

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nah it's just a sad, delusional control freak...

Has Ed Balls, our glorious leader's Hissing-Sid pal back at the McBunker been whispering even more poison into Brown's big fleshy chimpy ear? Or has our beloved leader finally lost his marbles (along with his cohonas, judgement, honesty and integrity)?

Well summat's up. How else do you explain Brown's comedic gatecrashing of the today's Oil Barons meeting at Banchory in Scotland. Accompanied by his pocket Chancellor Allistair Darling, the dynamic duo swooped into the meet to tell the JR Ewings of the North Sea world that they needed to increase oil production - like right now, in order to flood the market - and in the process, reduce the price of a barrel of crude...... And save Western civilisation as we know it.

Dutifully, the Brown-nosing Broadcasting Corporation were there to record the great event. Brown and Darling, the rescue squad were in town along with square jaws, calculators and a copy of the riot act..... Oh my Gard, the price of crood has garn through the roof, who will save us?"....

Fear not, taxed-to-death citizen, tis I,Sadman and Bobbins, my grey sidekick are here to turn on the taps"..

"Gard bless you, great clunking fist - whoever you are"....

Cut to the inside of the hall. Brown, centre stage is hunched telling the boys with the black stuff exactly how it's going to be. All the clunking fist hand gestures are there, furrowed brow, jabbing finger, blood pressure on simering. A Glasgow kissed frenzy is about to break out unless Messers Shell and co 'do something'...

All is well with the world, the BBC's Gordon Brown's Brand is back - and he means business......

And that's where the 'reality' stops. This clown and his stooge have no power to do anything about the price of cake - much less the price of oil - except that is, to take off some of the duty - and of course they'll never do that, will they?

Gordon, my poor deluded leader, oil is a globally quoted commodity - the price of Brent Crude is, and always has been linked to OPEC's price. The UK's oil production is absolutely miniscule when compared with Saudi, Russia and the States. And anyway, we no longer have the capacity to increase output - especially as a result of Brown's last North Sea 'Windfall' tax grab of a few years ago. As a consequence of that act, Shell and BP publically declared they would no longer attempt to look for new, more difficult, more expensive North Sea oilfields.

So today's futile act of gonadship, an embarrassing hoo-haa of no consequence has echoes of previous delusions of adequacy. I haven't laughed so much since Tony Blair said he was going to crack heads around the Middle Eastern table over a glass or two of sherry*....

NOTE: *That's 'Sherry' the drink, not 'Cherie' the mad woman.

The shape of things to come..( 2 up, 2 down - and a recycle bin).

Eco-Towns, that oxymoron on acid are about to be railroaded through as part of Caroline Flint’s Brassy-Cowed, trowel-it-on legacy. So says the Goverment’s top planning adviser in yesterday’s Sunday Times...

’Ministers are plotting to “crash the planning process” for their new eco-towns, restricting the opportunity for residents to object, according to the government’s own expert adviser.

Professor David Lock claims the communities department wants to fast-track the towns, intended to provide environmentally friendly housing. This is despite the government’s public declaration that normal procedures will be followed...

Eco-Towns, along with their close neighbours Eco-Motorways, Eco-Factories, Eco-Red Light Districts (all the Jonnies are made from recycled Gimp Masks, you know) and Eco-Sink Estates are threatening to swamp England under a billion tonnes of concrete.

Flint, famous for wearing a two inch thick layer of Rimmel make-up in a futile attempt to somehow get ‘the London look’ last month took the art of speaking utter bollocks to a whole new level. She declared that soon-to-be second largest city in the UK, Milton Keynes was greener, more environmentally friendly than the as yet unspoilt countryside that surrounds it.

I expect she was referring to the abundance of wildlife drawn to the bright city lights. Rats, feral foxes, feral yooves, yard dogs, bar flies, man eaters and asbo monkeys......

So determined is Ms Flint to get her Eco-Towned Valhallas built that Prof Lock reckons that the normal planning procedures (which could take around 10 years) will be chucked into the bin in favour of ‘fast-track-city’. And the tools with which to do the chucking are currently doing the rounds at Westminster. The new English only planning bill will enable central government to hex all local opposition under the broad brush wording of ‘For the greater good’....

Full story here....

COMING SOON! The full shameful list of land grabbing companies who own the green field land which are to be Eco-Towned. If you know who they are – then you can boycott them – and help save England from obliteration.

The battle of Crewe and Nantwich...

At bloody last..

For the past week, Blogger has been well irritating the tripes off me. No matter what I did, what I tried, I couldn't bloody upload anything!

This morning however, everything seems to be working....... Wordpress is beckoning so it better not happen again.

Another England vid...

Now there's tricky...... isn't it?

This taken from the FA web site.....

Following Sunday's FA Cup Semi-Final, The FA has been discussing the issue of Cardiff City entering the UEFA Cup next season should they win The FA Cup.

We will also continue to discuss this with The FA of Wales and UEFA.

At this stage we have not ruled out Cardiff City being entered into Europe via The FA Cup should they win it.

However, further conversations need to take place but we would expect to have final clarification on this before the end of the month - well before The Final takes place on 17 May........

So there you go. If the Welsh football club, Cardiff City win the FA Cup then they could qualify for the UEFA Cup next season - as one of England's representatives...

I wonder if the English Premier clubs, Aston Villa or Portsmouth - (one of which is likely to miss out on qualification) will go to the courts to challenge that decision, bearing in mind that the Welsh FA will be submitting a full allocation of clubs from their own Welsh League for participation in next season's competition?

Also, I have asked the PR people at the FA whether they will be playing the Welsh national anthem - 'Land of my Fathers' before the commencement of the FA Cup Final. I think it seems likely, bearing in mind that they played it after Cardiff's victory in the Semi-Finals. They haven't got back to me yet - will post it when they do......

A tale of two boxers - Calzaghe v Hatton....

Ahhh, Boxing. The noble art of all things pugillisticky. Horse linement, smelling salts, jock-straps, grease, snot, blood, sweat and bitten-off ears - love it or hate it, you just have to admire the toe-to-toe ballsyness of the protagonists. And because these guys are passionate people, they like to wrap themselves in the national identity of their birth - flags, anthems, supporters. Can you feel the proudyness of it all?

Ricky Hatton's big fight against Floyd Mayweather last December was a case in point. Before going out to Vegas, the Hitster proudly proclaimed he was fighting for Britain - and with God's help, he would bring the title back to these British shores - and everyone would feel very Britishy - and it would be yet another victory for our Britishy values - why, I bet Gordon have even laid on a nice cream tea at number 10, should Ricky have won .... Hoorah!...

The 'Hitman' dressed in his Manchester City coloured boxing shorts, shimmied and shadow boxed from dressing room to ring to the sound of patriotic British hoopla, Union flag to the fore, he stood to attention for the British national anthem of God Save the Queen and fought, for Britain against his classy opponent......

Ricky lost - but never mind, the media - and especially, the BBC, portrayed his display as plucky, brave - and British.
Ricky lost, which was a shame, because apparently, he wanted to win 'for Britain', for 'the British', for Queen and unionised country....

Compare and contrast with the Welshman, Joe Calzaghe's fight against Bernard Hopkins in Vegas last night.. In virtually every news cast, web report and radio bulletin (especially by the BBC) it left the listener/viewer/reader in no doubt as to where Calzaghe's origins came from...Apparently, Joe was fighting for 'Welsh pride', he was a 'Welsh dragon', and a 'fighter from the valleys'......

Calzaghe himself has often said that he is a boxer first, Welsh second and Italian third. But never mind what he thinks, he's British, right? Just like the Hitman, Joe is pure red white and blue...... So as Joe stood to attention in front of the flag of the Welsh dragon (maybe they couldn't find a union flag?) dressed in his Welsh colour-coded boxing gloves and his boxing shorts with the Welsh dragon emblazoned on the side of them - (no doubt covering his Welsh jock strap made from 100% Welsh pot noodles), what anthem did he listen to before getting ready to rumble? What tune defined his origins, his cultural DNA, his national ident?

Need you ask? God Save the Queen was nowhere as Sir Tom Jones, the 'Boyo from the San Fernando Valley' resplendent in blue suit, very tight Welsh dragon underpants and bright yellow daffodil (cos he's Welsh, you know, no, honestly, he is!) stepped onto the canvas to deliver Land Of My Fathers (Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau)......

It was all very emotional, it must have been because in the crowd, in the posh seats, weeping quietly into her 8 foot long Welsh flag stood Catherine Zeta Jones......

Hey Joe, congratulations on your victory - and no doubt, First Minister of Wales, Rhodri Morgan will even now be laying on a bit of a tea of Welsh Lamb, Leek Pie and Lava Bread at the Assembly cafe....... while over at number 10,Gordon Brown grinds his teeth and wishes that Joe had been born British instead....

Tom Jones - he's Welsh and he's proud

Those English Democrats posters....

Oh, the faux outrage. Racist apparently, At the very least, grossly insulting to our northern neighbours.....

The read of the week was looking over the comments of Iain Dale's take on the story. While Iain was fairly ambivelent about the posters, quite a few of his readership appear to be members of 'Self Righteous Indignation Incorporated'.

Apparently, according to some of Iain's readers, political advertising has never before descended to such depths. Some even seem to think that political advertising is a noble arm of the professional communicator. The facts are rolled out before the public, they read, make a decision and vote appropriately.

Sorry, 'fraid it doesn't work like that. Politics is a dirty business. And politicians are the lowest of the low. They say they want to 'serve' the public - and to do that, they must put themselves forward for public office, sacrificing a no-doubt stellar business career in fizzy drinks and plastic widget production in order to get their hands up the backside of the parliamentary cash cow.... If they really wanted to serve the public, they'd be bog attendants or binmen.

Gordon Brown, Cameron and rest of the members of the best club in town don't 'serve' anyone but themselves. And as for the public - they are ruthlessly controlled at all times....

And the means of that control is 'they' say whatever they damn well like - any lies will do, just as long as the voters swallow it.

Back to the posters, When I first saw them, sure, it made me think - and yes, I knew some people would shout 'foul'...... but to be honest, I don't really care. With people in England routinely dying for the want of drugs available to anyone north of the border, in this case, the end justifies the means. I want democratic freedom for my country and a fair slice of the UK cash cake - and if that wish upsets some fragile souls, then that really is tough 'taters...

We've tried explaining the problems and injustices to a corrupt and self serving establishment - now, the gloves are off.

And finally, I will leave you with a few examples of past political adverts - all extolling the noble art of communication by our honest-John servants at Westminster, apparently.


Demon Eyes - Conservative Poster, demonising Labour leader Tony Blair with a crude and pathetic schoolboy colouring-in felt-tip hatchet job.


Flying Pigs - Labour poster tactfully showing Michael Howard as a flying pig - apparently, Labour hadn't realised that Mr Howard was a Jew.


The Straight Choice - Simon Hughes' slogan during the Bermondsey 'bi' election. Labour's candidate Peter Tatchell - a self confessed homosexual was systematically crushed, villified and rubbished by Hughes and his team - not because of Tatchell's politics, but because of his sexuality. Years later was it revealed that Hughes wasn't actually 'straight' after all - but as gay as Peter Tatchell...

Update....

Been doing lots of stuff for England lately - mostly collateral for the London Mayoral elections. And that is where the problems have arisen. London - and in particular, the London Elects office must have more odious Jobsworths per square yard than anywhere else in the country. They've taken the art of compliance to a whole new level.

And one night last week, I worked right through to the following morning trying to get some artwork for a tabloid to a printer in order to make a tight deadline.

The pressure is now off - and so I shall be resuming postings. The first of which will be a comment about the Eco-Town shortlist which will be announced today.

It's official - the Sunday Times don't like the phrase 'cabal of yes-monkey Scottish Labour MPs'

I've got a letter printed in today's Sunday Thunderer in response to last week's article 'The price of being English'.....

I'm pleased, I suppose, but they've obviously run Rupert Murdoch's 'sarcasm filter' over it, because it has been somewhat toned down from the original..

This is what I sent -

Sir -
Regarding the piece on Scots being better off than their English counterparts, (the price of being English') - I would suggest that Scottish education is not as good as I previously thought if comments by Robin McAlpine of Universities Scotland is anything to go by. Mr McAlpine is quoted in last week's article "We get the rough end of the stick for England’s decision to impose top-up fees.”

May I remind Mr McAlpine that the decision to impose tuition fees upon English students was a choice made exclusively by the UK parliament - which as we all know, was only made possible thanks to the loyal and obedient support by the cabal of yes-monkey Scottish Labour MPs. For Mr McAlpine's information, England has no national representation, no national voice, no First Minister and no English Parliament, yet. Latest opinion polls show up to 68% of people in England in support of an English Parliament - and when we do get one, you can be sure of two things. 1) The Barnett Formula will be ditched immediately 2) People in England will get a fair division of the spoils - and at last bring an end to our vindictive fiscal and democratic persecution

And this is what they printed....

Fair Division....

The BBC, guilty as charged.....

I used to love the BBC's dissemination of news and current events - really admire it. From the early fifties onwards I grew up with it, shaping the way I viewed the world and its politics.They had great reporters and journalists then, legends of their craft - people like James Cameron, Richard Dimbleby, Kenneth Allsop, Derek Hart, Jim Biddulph and Keith Graves gave the news as it was. Hardbitten, punchy, objective, concise. Not any more. The BBC is now nothing more than NuLabour's mouthpiece. Its official news agency. Brown's Big Brother hard-wired conduit to the people - handily positioned in every living room in the land..... War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength, England is Britain.

The BBC has, since 1997 (year Zero), let itself become corrupted, emasculated of independence, denuded of integrity - eagerly prostituting itself and its core values in order to fulfil NuLabour's basket case view of YouKay PLC and 'Britain-Lite' - (England, to you and me). As surely as Matthew Corbett shoving his hand up Sooty's furry little sphincter, the BBC has obeyed, followed orders, rolled over and waved the white flag of surrender - in absolute awe of its Huggy-beared bedallioned pimp - the Government. And in turn, buggered us into a stupifying oblivion.

The stream of misinformation is never ending, the remit unwavering, the dedication to newspeak via the NuLabour dictionary of 'Spin, Lies and More Lies' is as supine as any lap dog with an obsessive obedience complex. On TV, on Radio and on the Web, the BBC tells it like it isn't - but like NuLabour would like it to be.

The target of all this flannel, this Kleenex container-loaded tissue of lies and fantasy, is us - the great English public. 50 million people routinely given the mushroom treatment by our national broadcaster. Each and every one of us standing in compost with the lights off, as every second of every day, the BBC feed us a drip-drip Beau Jolie drop of NuLabour bullshit. Appalling yes-men, celeb monkeys, fashion obsessed bimbos, failed actors and cerebrally challenged dullards infest the BBC newsrooms. Their scripts are shamelessly honed by card-carrying members of the Islington branch to comply with the model of bleak servitude as defined by their political masters. No substance, little style - just propaganda and lies. Compliance to the NuLabour master plan, grain harvest and tractor production targets is total. It goes from lowly bog cleaner all the way up to the DeeGee himself..

Enough is enough. The truth will out. We will have our day - and when we do, the BBC will be dismantled, dismembered and destroyed.

Until that happens, if they act like a Soviet mouthpiece of the Labour Party Central Committee, then they should have the branding to go with it. Feel free to use the logo.

Paving over paradise - the destruction of England

BBC tries to re-educate crusty old campaigner.....

You've just gotta laugh, haven't you?

My second most dialled phone number (after my Mum's) got another finger tapping this afternoon. Yes, for those that do not know, 0870 0100222 can only mean BBC complaining time ..... again.

This time it was all to do with the report on Eco-Towns on the One O'Clock News, BBC 1. As per usual with such matters, when some tricky and rather unpalatable news needs to be delivered to the mushroom-composted dumb-struck English masses, the Beeb reporter injects a liberal amount of geographical fog into his piece to camera.

"The list of 10 new Eco-Towns will be announced by the Government within the next few days...... They will be spread right across the country - and local opposition is sure to grow"......

And so it went on, the YouKay this, the this country that - not a single metion about the real truth. All the Eco-Towns will be built in England. Planning, as with a hell of a lot of other stuff is a devolved issue.

So there I was, gobbing off to the guy on the other end of the phone at BBC Complaints Central (which is in Scotland, obviously). "Why can't the BBC actually be factual about the issue? The Eco-Towns will only be built across England and NOT the UK - so why do the BBC insist on telling me and 50 million others that they will be spread right across the UK?"

"Well, I'm sure they will be built in Scotland, also, but the problem is there isn't that much land around to build on"...

"Yes there is, there's bloody loads - and anyway, it's not about that, it's whether your Government, the Scottish Parliament votes to have them or not"...

"Ahhh, but isn't that what has happened here? Hasn't the English Parliament at Westminster decided to have these built - haven't they passed a Planning Bill to streamline the whole process?"........

Like I said, you have to laugh - otherwise you might just cry.

Contaminating young minds....

This morning, a good friend of mine attended her child's primary school assembly in Scotland. The special parents-invited version is usually held on a Friday, but due to a visit from the education authorities it had been rescheduled for today.

My friend is English, she married a Scot and lives in East Dumbartonshire. The primary school has a very high reputation, although the few kids with an English accent, including my friend's child has had a few problems with bullying in the past - the school has worked hard to try and stamp it out. This morning, their guest speaker was a cleric from the Church of Scotland.

He stood up, dressed in all his Christian finery, dog collar and regulation comb-over - and delivered his talk to a hall packed with impressionable young minds and their parents. He mentioned current events, spreading his Christian message throughout, weaving the Christian virtues of forgiveness, understanding and friendship throughout the speech.

He wound up with the story about last night's earthquake in Lincolnshire, England. He said that the 'quake was felt right across England and that there are initial reports of some structural damage.. He finished the with the quote - "It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of people"....

Tell me, what chance do those kids in that Scottish primary school have of growing up without the anti-English bigoted baggage of earlier Scottish generations when such pillars of their community feel safe in spouting such drivel?

My friend is approaching the authorities with a view to getting this bigot in a dress banned from addressing schoolkids - forever.

Goose-stepping down Berwick High Street......

Letter to the Berwick Advertiser:

Sir/Madam,

The news that Christine Grahame, (a Scottish National Party MSP) wants to 'bring the English town of Berwick-upon-Tweed back into the Scottish fold' and that (Lib Dem MSP) Jeremy Purvis would like to 'annexe up to 20 miles of Northumberland, including Holy Island' - and absorb it all into a greater Scotland, is nothing short of an outrage, worthy of an overly gold-braided banana republic despot. Do Purvis and Grahame intend to park their tanks on Berwick's municipal lawns, parachute a battalion of Highlanders onto the Town Hall roof, goose-step down Berwick High Street and claim the territory for the glorious Scottish Empire?

This outrageous attempt to filch yet another sovereign part of English national territory will not go unchallenged. England is not a cake to be broken up piecemeal and given willy-nilly to anyone who wants a slice. If these two MSP politicians had voiced their aggressive intentions towards any other country other than England, it would quite rightly be viewed by all as a singular act of imperialist expansion, not seen in Western Europe since the days of the Munich agreement.

Berwick has been continuously part of England since 1482 - a full decade before Christopher Columbus discovered America. As Scotland's 'claim' on Berwick is historical, does it mean that Purvis and Grahame will next be pressing for the USA to be handed back to native Americans? Perhaps they would like to give the Western Isles of Scotland back to Norway - and the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria to once again stretch all the way up to its original northern boundary of Edinburgh? Or is their view of history somewhat 'selective'?

These pathetic 'grass is greener' mind games with the people of Berwick will backfire. The pressure within England is ever growing for constitutional change. The last few opinion polls have shown over 60% of people in England in favour of an English Parliament. Dissatisfaction within England at the size of the Barnett Formula contribution to Scotland will grow and grow until bugetary reform becomes inevitable. And when it does, do you think Scotland will still be able to afford all the goodies they can now?

Sooner rather than later, the Barnett Formula bonanza will be scrapped, and when it is, there will be no doubt which side of the border will benefit. Instead of shipping billions to Scotland, taxes raised in England will once again be spent on public services for the benefit of the people of England - including those in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I suggest that Purvis and Grahame mind their own damn business, get on with the job of being Members of the Scottish Parliament, representing their Scottish constituents - and leave the business of England to the people of England. And as for the people of Berwick? Join the English Democrats - a party campaigning for an English Parliament and an end to the Barnett Formula. The sooner England has her own national parliament - the sooner we can take control of our own affairs.... and the sooner the people of England, including those in Berwick will reap the financial rewards.

England - another word for 'have nottery'

Question: What does England not have that all these other countries and territories do have?..... (answer at the bottom of the list)

THE 'HAVES'
Acadia, Afghanistan, Åland, African Union, Albania, Algeria, Alsace, American Samoa, Andalusia, Andorra, Angola, Anguilla, Antigua and Barbuda, Aragon, Argentina, Armenia, Aruba, Assyria, Asturias, Australia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Azores, The Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Basque Country, Bavaria, Belarus, Belarusian People's Republic, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bermuda, Bhutan, Biafra, Bolivia, Bonaire Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brittany, Brunei, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Canary Islands Cape Verde, Catalonia, Cayman Islands, Central African Republic, Chad, Chechnya, Chile, China, People's Republic of, China, Republic of (Taiwan), Colombia, Comoros, Confederate States of America, Congo, Democratic Republic of, Congo, Republic of, Cook Islands, Corsica, Costa Rica, Côte d'Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Curaçao, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, East Timor, East Turkistan, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Esperantio, Estonia, Ethiopia, European Union, Faroe Islands, Falkland Islands, Fiji, Finland, Flanders, France, Frisia, Galicia, Gabon, The Gambia, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Gibraltar, Greece, Greenland, Grenada, Groningen, Guam, Guatemala, Guernsey, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Hawaii, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Isle of Man, Israel, Italy, Ivory Coast, Jamaica, Japan, Jersey, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, North Korea, South Korea, Kurdistan and the Kurdistan Autonomous Region of Iraq, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Liechtenstein,, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Republic of, Madagascar, Madeira, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Mallorca, Malta, Manchukuo, Marshall Islands, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Federated States of Micronesia, Moldova, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Montserrat, Moravia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Nagorno-Karabakh, Namibia, Nauru, Nepal, The Netherlands, Netherlands Antilles, Newfoundland, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Niue, North Korea, Northern Cyprus, Norway, Occitania, Oman, Pakistan, Palau, Palestine, Panama, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Persia, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Qatar, Republika Srpska, Réunion, Rhodesia, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, St. Kitts and Nevis, Saint Helena, Saint Lucia, Saint-Martin/Sint-Maarten, Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, San Marino, São Tomé and Príncipe, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Senegal, Serbia, Serbia and Montenegro, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Taiwan, Tajikistan, Tanzania, Tatarstan, Thailand, Togo, Tonga, Transnistria, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Tuva, Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, United States, Upper Volta, Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Vatican City, Venezuela, Vietnam, Virgin Islands, British, Virgin Islands, U.S., Wales, Wallonia, Yemen, Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Zambia Zimbabwe.

THE 'HAVE NOT'
England.

Answer: The 'haves' all have their own national Anthem of course!

Miliband - This simply will not do. 1 out of 10. See me for double detention.

Dave Miliband, the Davie-no-mates creepy kid in the posh blazer, has been opening his mouth again. Not this time to suck up to Sir, or to report Balls E again for smoking behind the Speaker's Chair.... No, this time, Dave has got a bigger picture to occupy his brain cell - he's discovered 'a cause'

Dave has binned his 'I-Spy book of Interesting Tree Shapes', the 'Train-Spotters Gazette' and the 'How to Speak Klingon in 12 Easy Lessons' correspondence course in favour of a new and far more all-consuming passion....

Yes, the Rev' Dave has committed to bringing Nu Labour branded democracy to the world's huddled unfortunates. Democracy is going to be rolled out across the globe - with force if nessecary, whether they want it or not. All very laudable Dave, but shouldn't this religious zeal for goody-two-shoededness be thought through a bit more before you go shooting your gob off?

Before you go yomping around the world shoving your nose into other people's politics - how about giving the people of England a bit of democracy, first?

Dear Jeremy Purvis MSP....

I read about your desire to annexe up to 20 miles of northern England and deliver it free, gratis and for nothing, to Scotland in the Sunday Post yesterday. Don't you need tanks on the lawn, jackboots, a very large peaked cap, half a ton of nice medals and 50 yards of gold braid to do that?

Or is this yet another case of a Scots political representative shoving his nose into English affairs?.... Gordon Brown, Wee Duggie Alexander, Gorbals Mick - and now Jeremy Purvis, MSP.

Instead of making cheap headlines, maybe you could mind your own damn business - and do the job that I, as an English taxpayer are paying you for! Better still, maybe you could ask your uber boss, Nick Clegg why he doesn't support an English Parliament. You know, 'England' - that place with 50 million souls that is the only nation in Europe without any national representation....

And if we are talking about restoring 'historical boundaries' then I suggest the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria be given back all the land up to Edinburgh forthwith. What do you think, Mr Purvis - maybe you could start campaigning for that as your next pet project?

Alfred the OK.
The nation of England

Lord Falconer and the West Lothian Question....

They came from far and wide to listen. Gathering Wednesday night, 6:30 sharp in Committee Room 10, at the House of Commons to listen to the debate sponsored by the Hansard Society - Is the West Lothian Question unanswerable?

We'd travelled down from the North West of England - 4 of us in the car, the furthest of our number coming from Carlisle, over 300 miles from London.

Gathering outside the best club in town and following an intrusive touchy-feely search of my man vegetables by a purple gloved prophylactic-clad police officer, we entered the holy of holies, largesse central - the Palace of Westminster. What a fantastic building! Awesome architecture and sheer presence of stoneware is a heady mixture.... I have to say, I was totally gobsmacked at the grandeur of it all. It couldn't last. I was soon brought down to earth and the grinding reality of why we were there in the first place as the plodding baggage of Charles Clarke frumped past our throng.

Clarke really does cut a rather pathetically podgy figure nowadays. Charlie-no mates and his big wobbly shiny-trousered backside disappeared from view, barely acknowledging our questions about the possibility of us ever having an English Parliament.

Bang on time we were invited into Committee Room 10. This was not the original venue - they had to rearrange to a much bigger room due to the huge amount of interest. The place was packed - notable audience attendees included Tory MP, Sir George Young, Robin Tilbrook EDP chair, Mike Knowles from the CEP and UKIP man Mr Campbell Bannerman. There was also a creditable crew of EDP, CEP and patriotic foot soldiers present. All looked to the top table for the protagonists to appear.

First to show was former Gordon Brown girlfriend and debate anchor, Sheena MacDonald. Tory Grandee and Grand Committee obssessive, Sir Malcolm Rifkind soon followed. All eyes levelled towards the swing doors waiting for the supposed political heavyweight of the Falconer-man to show.

We waited. And waited....... And waited some more.

Sheena apologised for Falconer's disregard. The audience grew restless - afterall, some of us had travelled 300 miles to be there. We'd made it - but the fat control freak hadn't... True to form, Falconer was showing the utmost contempt to the people of England...... Suddenly, the swing doors burst open and the bloated, sweating, visceral Mr Blobbied form of the Lord Falconer lurched into the room. Grand entrance it wasn't. Shambolic, disorganised and loud, it most certainly was.

The heaving, gasping sweaty mess of fat, badly fitting clothing and delusions of adequecy collapsed onto the desk next to Sheena. Sir Malcolm grinned. His alter-ego was bursting to get out - tweed skirt, sensible cardy and arrogant sneer..... Yes, Miss Jean Brodie in her prime was a morphed reality. In his mind, Rifkind was the creme de la creme and Falconer was Billy Bunter, the duffer from the lower 4th remove....

As Falconer was a nanosecond away from a coronary, Sheena thought it best that Miss Jean Rifkind should start the proceedings. He started. He boomed his shrill Brodie brogue. "Grand Committee" was the answer according to Sir Malc. It was "sensible, elegant, and right for England and the Union"..... The heckling started. Sir Malc tried to big-up the amazing nobility of the Union, apparently, for the last 300 years we have been"punching above our weight", "we like each other", "we get on"........ "however, if something is not done, English members of Parliament will not put up with it much longer"........ Sir Malc' obviously knows a few English MPs with backbones then?.

It was predictable Tory unionist stuff. Completely unworkable, obviously - but hey what did we expect? And anyway, Rifkind was merely the sideshow, the main act, the Falconer was about to take the stage.

He got up. The wheels fell off - or rather, the tail flaps of his hand-made shirt and 3 stone of concentrated gut-lard flopped out. Freed from the constraints of his straining belt, he struggled like a fat man possessed to get everything tucked away again. Charlie Falconer, the man with the most ill-describing surname since 'Tiny Littletodge' the legendary and massively endowed porn star - looked awful. Sweating top lip, jowls to the power of ten and comedy hair - the trinity of dishevelment was there for all to see. He gave up trying to stuff his flabby bits away. They'd made their bolt for freedom and there was no way they were going to get up close and personal with Charlie's Y-Fronts ever again... The tail of his shirt hung like a white flag of surrender as he went into his trying to 'defend the indefensible' routine.

"England accounts for over 80% of the population of UK",...... "To give England a Parliament would be a disaster for the Union"....... The heckling went into frenzy mode. Falconer, flustering on regulo 12 by now, decided to play his ace..... and what an ace it was....

"Look, if England got its own Parliament, and the Union broke up.... what would happen to all the Scottish people living in England - and all the English people living in Scotland?"....

The heckling stopped - stunned. What was this overblown, overpaid, overpensioned and overweight buffoon going on about? Was he saying that all these people would be expelled back to their native countries because England got a little national democracy? Yes he was.... A collective moan of "For God's sake" rose from the audience..... Just then, the man who had travelled from Carlisle shouted out "What the hell are you talking about - what about the 400,000 French people living in London?"

Falconer gurned like a fish miming to the Sound of Silence..... Nothing came out.

It was all downhill for Falconer from then on. After the gem of gems - a killer line that any 8 year-old would have been proud of had passed his lips, his 'credibility-o-meter' was in freefall.

Just then, smooth Sheena, the girl with all the facts at her fingertips tried to rescue the drowning Falconer..... "Well, as you are the Lord Chancellor..." Thankfully, the informed audience interrupted her banal question and put her right. Falconer was no longer LC - he'd been kicked out by her ex-boyfriend in number 10 - not only that, his pension had been brought down from 'Absolutely Obscene' to the more respectable 'Bloody Outrageous' level by the Prudence man himself.

The ex-Lord Chancellor flopped down into his reinforced seat - exhausted, exasperated and expendable. So that was it, was it?

Charlie Falconer, supposedly, the most forensic, most brilliant legal mind since Perry Mason on a very smarty-pants day, had delivered his answer to 'the question'..... Well actually, he hadn't. Sheena turned to the gasping form on her right and said to him - "So, what's the answer to the WLQ then, Lord Falconer?"

Falconer wobbled into action. Arms whirred, Perry Mason 2008 vintage, parading to the expectant throng.... "I put it to you that the answer, the answer to the West Lothian Question is .... to do nothing - just leave it as it is"...

Two hundred pairs of eyes fixed on him. Could he feel the hatred directed at this bombastic has-been? In less civilised lands, Falconer would have been dragged out by his shirt-tails there and then, and hung from the nearest lamp post as the price for his obscene arrogance.

The Q and A's started...... Well, not really. The questions rained in - unfortunately the answers were totally inadequate - they mostly answered questions that weren't asked. But then, just when I'm beginning to lose the fight to resist jumping the desk and beating Falconer to within an inch of his pension, someone got up and asked the great white effer if he thought that England was a country in its own right?

"Of course, England plainly is a nation"..... A few fainted, a few went mad. Falconer admits England is a nation - shock!

The heckling was really starting to take off as the answers went ever weirder. Our little enclave, just over an extended punching distance from the top table was beginning to get a reputation. Sheena distained at us from over her bi-focals, Sir Malc' beaded his beady eye on us, Falconer occasionally flicked a gob of sweat over in our direction - we were cut adrift from the people allowed to ask a question. The minder from the Hansard Society turned to us and said "Ssshhhhhh!!!"

Quick as a flash, my esteemed colleague mentally flipped through his book of witty retorts....... "No, you shush, yourself!" he said. And she did.

Brilliant or what?

Anyway, having well and truly shushed our adversary to silence with a bit of northern wit, we were free to go into turbo-heckle mode.

Falconer simply would not, could not admit that the fairest actions to take would be to let the people of England decide via a referendum.... just like the good folk of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland had.... His retort was constantly to tell us to get voted in through the ballot box.

And strangely - and ever so predictably, towards the end, a few Irish and Scots got up to proclaim that the union was too important to mess with..... Some public schoolboy in a maroon blazer got up, proclaimed he was a Unionist - then did a right good impression of Tony Blair aged 14 and three quarters. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that this kid was little Lord Falconeroy - a mini-me ringer for his voluminous Dad... Another bloke got up and said he was from Yorkshire (why are they always from Yorkshire?) and that all the people who wanted an English Parliament were a load of 'nutters'.....Hmmmmmmm.

Finally, as if to bond us all together into a great big You-Kay family of fabness, Sheena revealed that her Dad came from Scotland but her Mum was from the South West..... Sir Malcolm nodded sagely - why; his Mum came from Scotland and his Dad came from Yorkshire - the audience hissed. They both blinked. They just didn't understand did they? That last frippery, that last attempt to try and show us that we are all brothers with UK DNA coursing through our veins massively backfired - but they didn't know why.... In spite of their protestations, they still viewed Scotland as a nation and England as a shovel of regions.....

And then they were gone. Sir Malc' shoved his papers into his slim-line brief case - the Falconer tried to shovel his gut back into his trousers...

We meandered out into the passageway. I wondered if Sheena, Falconer and Sir Malcolm were even now in some mega-subsidised parliamentary bar aptly named 'The Gravy Train', drinking their subsidised gee and tees, slapping each other's backs and wondering if they had got away with it. Got away with the deception that they were supposed to be from opposite ends of the night's proposition, when all along we knew they were there purely to maintain the status quo - to keep the new Brit order of English emasculation and Scottish empowerment....

"Well Sheena and Malcolm, I think we got away with that OK, don't you?... Bottoms up"

My daydream was interrupted as 'Wee Duggie' Alexander almost walked into me. He smiled and said "Helloo" and hurried into the chamber.. Wow, Wee Duggie - he's usually residing in Gordon's top pocket isn't he? Paul Murphy, new Welsh Secretary and 'regions of England' champion wandered past.... him and Duggie were obviously rushing into the lobby to vote on another piece of English-only legislation.

We walked into Westminster Hall and stood on the exact same spot where Charles the first (hey, another Scot!) received the news from his regicide accusers that they were going to remove 15 lbs of useless fat from his Royal personage. We gazed up to look at the truly fantastic hammer-beamed roof. Amazing, something English, made by Englishmen that the powers-that-be hadn't yet destroyed or sold to America. We clicked through the security gate and onto the street. A man walked past us wearing an expensive camel coat. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders - it was, well sort of. The deaths of thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of British soldiers are directly due to his opinion that the Iraq war was legal..... I mumbled something under my breath in his direction - he didn't respond. No doubt he'd heard it all before. Lord Goldsmith wended his sad and lonely way home

Over the road, we went to the Red Lion pub, had a few scoops of IPA then decided to make for the car. We wished our fellow patriots best wishes and strolled towards the car park under Parliament green. Sauntering past a bus stop, we came across a whizened old ginger nutted politician waiting for his ride home. He looked pathetic, and very, very 'worse for wear'. He shouted over to me - "Hellooo there, to you!"

Yes, Charles Kennedy looked as if he had fallen on very hard times. One of our group started to question him about the nation of England and the prospects of a parliament for our country.....

I walked off, full of resolve. Things really do have to change - the donkeys at Westminster need to know that the nation of England ain't happy. This year.... they willl find out.

Alfie the Well Irritated versus Fatty Falconer and the Comb-over Kid at the House of Lards...

Good versus a tubby Weevil..

Today's the day. The day when 'Alfie the really pissed' goes head-to-head with the his royal Lardyness, Lord Falconer - former Lord Chancellor, bezzy mate of Tony Blair, founder member of the Scottish Raj and all round enemy of English democracy (and friend of pork pies... burgers... and lard)....

The match-up will happen at the House of Lords in a debate about the West Lothian Question - and how it can be solved (English Parliament is obviously not in M'lud's lexicon of answers) . Predictably, as the subject is all about the political emasculation of the English, the panel is 100% Scots (Malcolm Rifkind, the man with the worst Shredded Wheat combover in Westminster will be joining the Lard Falconer on stage). Chairing the debate will be Sheena MacDonald, former girlfriend of Gordon Brown - and yet another Scottish person...

If anyone is going along to the debate, I'll see you there. You'll easily recognise me, I'll be the one foaming at the mouth....