Now there's tricky...... isn't it?

This taken from the FA web site.....

Following Sunday's FA Cup Semi-Final, The FA has been discussing the issue of Cardiff City entering the UEFA Cup next season should they win The FA Cup.

We will also continue to discuss this with The FA of Wales and UEFA.

At this stage we have not ruled out Cardiff City being entered into Europe via The FA Cup should they win it.

However, further conversations need to take place but we would expect to have final clarification on this before the end of the month - well before The Final takes place on 17 May........

So there you go. If the Welsh football club, Cardiff City win the FA Cup then they could qualify for the UEFA Cup next season - as one of England's representatives...

I wonder if the English Premier clubs, Aston Villa or Portsmouth - (one of which is likely to miss out on qualification) will go to the courts to challenge that decision, bearing in mind that the Welsh FA will be submitting a full allocation of clubs from their own Welsh League for participation in next season's competition?

Also, I have asked the PR people at the FA whether they will be playing the Welsh national anthem - 'Land of my Fathers' before the commencement of the FA Cup Final. I think it seems likely, bearing in mind that they played it after Cardiff's victory in the Semi-Finals. They haven't got back to me yet - will post it when they do......

A tale of two boxers - Calzaghe v Hatton....

Ahhh, Boxing. The noble art of all things pugillisticky. Horse linement, smelling salts, jock-straps, grease, snot, blood, sweat and bitten-off ears - love it or hate it, you just have to admire the toe-to-toe ballsyness of the protagonists. And because these guys are passionate people, they like to wrap themselves in the national identity of their birth - flags, anthems, supporters. Can you feel the proudyness of it all?

Ricky Hatton's big fight against Floyd Mayweather last December was a case in point. Before going out to Vegas, the Hitster proudly proclaimed he was fighting for Britain - and with God's help, he would bring the title back to these British shores - and everyone would feel very Britishy - and it would be yet another victory for our Britishy values - why, I bet Gordon have even laid on a nice cream tea at number 10, should Ricky have won .... Hoorah!...

The 'Hitman' dressed in his Manchester City coloured boxing shorts, shimmied and shadow boxed from dressing room to ring to the sound of patriotic British hoopla, Union flag to the fore, he stood to attention for the British national anthem of God Save the Queen and fought, for Britain against his classy opponent......

Ricky lost - but never mind, the media - and especially, the BBC, portrayed his display as plucky, brave - and British.
Ricky lost, which was a shame, because apparently, he wanted to win 'for Britain', for 'the British', for Queen and unionised country....

Compare and contrast with the Welshman, Joe Calzaghe's fight against Bernard Hopkins in Vegas last night.. In virtually every news cast, web report and radio bulletin (especially by the BBC) it left the listener/viewer/reader in no doubt as to where Calzaghe's origins came from...Apparently, Joe was fighting for 'Welsh pride', he was a 'Welsh dragon', and a 'fighter from the valleys'......

Calzaghe himself has often said that he is a boxer first, Welsh second and Italian third. But never mind what he thinks, he's British, right? Just like the Hitman, Joe is pure red white and blue...... So as Joe stood to attention in front of the flag of the Welsh dragon (maybe they couldn't find a union flag?) dressed in his Welsh colour-coded boxing gloves and his boxing shorts with the Welsh dragon emblazoned on the side of them - (no doubt covering his Welsh jock strap made from 100% Welsh pot noodles), what anthem did he listen to before getting ready to rumble? What tune defined his origins, his cultural DNA, his national ident?

Need you ask? God Save the Queen was nowhere as Sir Tom Jones, the 'Boyo from the San Fernando Valley' resplendent in blue suit, very tight Welsh dragon underpants and bright yellow daffodil (cos he's Welsh, you know, no, honestly, he is!) stepped onto the canvas to deliver Land Of My Fathers (Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau)......

It was all very emotional, it must have been because in the crowd, in the posh seats, weeping quietly into her 8 foot long Welsh flag stood Catherine Zeta Jones......

Hey Joe, congratulations on your victory - and no doubt, First Minister of Wales, Rhodri Morgan will even now be laying on a bit of a tea of Welsh Lamb, Leek Pie and Lava Bread at the Assembly cafe....... while over at number 10,Gordon Brown grinds his teeth and wishes that Joe had been born British instead....

Tom Jones - he's Welsh and he's proud

Those English Democrats posters....

Oh, the faux outrage. Racist apparently, At the very least, grossly insulting to our northern neighbours.....

The read of the week was looking over the comments of Iain Dale's take on the story. While Iain was fairly ambivelent about the posters, quite a few of his readership appear to be members of 'Self Righteous Indignation Incorporated'.

Apparently, according to some of Iain's readers, political advertising has never before descended to such depths. Some even seem to think that political advertising is a noble arm of the professional communicator. The facts are rolled out before the public, they read, make a decision and vote appropriately.

Sorry, 'fraid it doesn't work like that. Politics is a dirty business. And politicians are the lowest of the low. They say they want to 'serve' the public - and to do that, they must put themselves forward for public office, sacrificing a no-doubt stellar business career in fizzy drinks and plastic widget production in order to get their hands up the backside of the parliamentary cash cow.... If they really wanted to serve the public, they'd be bog attendants or binmen.

Gordon Brown, Cameron and rest of the members of the best club in town don't 'serve' anyone but themselves. And as for the public - they are ruthlessly controlled at all times....

And the means of that control is 'they' say whatever they damn well like - any lies will do, just as long as the voters swallow it.

Back to the posters, When I first saw them, sure, it made me think - and yes, I knew some people would shout 'foul'...... but to be honest, I don't really care. With people in England routinely dying for the want of drugs available to anyone north of the border, in this case, the end justifies the means. I want democratic freedom for my country and a fair slice of the UK cash cake - and if that wish upsets some fragile souls, then that really is tough 'taters...

We've tried explaining the problems and injustices to a corrupt and self serving establishment - now, the gloves are off.

And finally, I will leave you with a few examples of past political adverts - all extolling the noble art of communication by our honest-John servants at Westminster, apparently.


Demon Eyes - Conservative Poster, demonising Labour leader Tony Blair with a crude and pathetic schoolboy colouring-in felt-tip hatchet job.


Flying Pigs - Labour poster tactfully showing Michael Howard as a flying pig - apparently, Labour hadn't realised that Mr Howard was a Jew.


The Straight Choice - Simon Hughes' slogan during the Bermondsey 'bi' election. Labour's candidate Peter Tatchell - a self confessed homosexual was systematically crushed, villified and rubbished by Hughes and his team - not because of Tatchell's politics, but because of his sexuality. Years later was it revealed that Hughes wasn't actually 'straight' after all - but as gay as Peter Tatchell...

Update....

Been doing lots of stuff for England lately - mostly collateral for the London Mayoral elections. And that is where the problems have arisen. London - and in particular, the London Elects office must have more odious Jobsworths per square yard than anywhere else in the country. They've taken the art of compliance to a whole new level.

And one night last week, I worked right through to the following morning trying to get some artwork for a tabloid to a printer in order to make a tight deadline.

The pressure is now off - and so I shall be resuming postings. The first of which will be a comment about the Eco-Town shortlist which will be announced today.

It's official - the Sunday Times don't like the phrase 'cabal of yes-monkey Scottish Labour MPs'

I've got a letter printed in today's Sunday Thunderer in response to last week's article 'The price of being English'.....

I'm pleased, I suppose, but they've obviously run Rupert Murdoch's 'sarcasm filter' over it, because it has been somewhat toned down from the original..

This is what I sent -

Sir -
Regarding the piece on Scots being better off than their English counterparts, (the price of being English') - I would suggest that Scottish education is not as good as I previously thought if comments by Robin McAlpine of Universities Scotland is anything to go by. Mr McAlpine is quoted in last week's article "We get the rough end of the stick for England’s decision to impose top-up fees.”

May I remind Mr McAlpine that the decision to impose tuition fees upon English students was a choice made exclusively by the UK parliament - which as we all know, was only made possible thanks to the loyal and obedient support by the cabal of yes-monkey Scottish Labour MPs. For Mr McAlpine's information, England has no national representation, no national voice, no First Minister and no English Parliament, yet. Latest opinion polls show up to 68% of people in England in support of an English Parliament - and when we do get one, you can be sure of two things. 1) The Barnett Formula will be ditched immediately 2) People in England will get a fair division of the spoils - and at last bring an end to our vindictive fiscal and democratic persecution

And this is what they printed....

Fair Division....

The BBC, guilty as charged.....

I used to love the BBC's dissemination of news and current events - really admire it. From the early fifties onwards I grew up with it, shaping the way I viewed the world and its politics.They had great reporters and journalists then, legends of their craft - people like James Cameron, Richard Dimbleby, Kenneth Allsop, Derek Hart, Jim Biddulph and Keith Graves gave the news as it was. Hardbitten, punchy, objective, concise. Not any more. The BBC is now nothing more than NuLabour's mouthpiece. Its official news agency. Brown's Big Brother hard-wired conduit to the people - handily positioned in every living room in the land..... War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength, England is Britain.

The BBC has, since 1997 (year Zero), let itself become corrupted, emasculated of independence, denuded of integrity - eagerly prostituting itself and its core values in order to fulfil NuLabour's basket case view of YouKay PLC and 'Britain-Lite' - (England, to you and me). As surely as Matthew Corbett shoving his hand up Sooty's furry little sphincter, the BBC has obeyed, followed orders, rolled over and waved the white flag of surrender - in absolute awe of its Huggy-beared bedallioned pimp - the Government. And in turn, buggered us into a stupifying oblivion.

The stream of misinformation is never ending, the remit unwavering, the dedication to newspeak via the NuLabour dictionary of 'Spin, Lies and More Lies' is as supine as any lap dog with an obsessive obedience complex. On TV, on Radio and on the Web, the BBC tells it like it isn't - but like NuLabour would like it to be.

The target of all this flannel, this Kleenex container-loaded tissue of lies and fantasy, is us - the great English public. 50 million people routinely given the mushroom treatment by our national broadcaster. Each and every one of us standing in compost with the lights off, as every second of every day, the BBC feed us a drip-drip Beau Jolie drop of NuLabour bullshit. Appalling yes-men, celeb monkeys, fashion obsessed bimbos, failed actors and cerebrally challenged dullards infest the BBC newsrooms. Their scripts are shamelessly honed by card-carrying members of the Islington branch to comply with the model of bleak servitude as defined by their political masters. No substance, little style - just propaganda and lies. Compliance to the NuLabour master plan, grain harvest and tractor production targets is total. It goes from lowly bog cleaner all the way up to the DeeGee himself..

Enough is enough. The truth will out. We will have our day - and when we do, the BBC will be dismantled, dismembered and destroyed.

Until that happens, if they act like a Soviet mouthpiece of the Labour Party Central Committee, then they should have the branding to go with it. Feel free to use the logo.

Paving over paradise - the destruction of England

BBC tries to re-educate crusty old campaigner.....

You've just gotta laugh, haven't you?

My second most dialled phone number (after my Mum's) got another finger tapping this afternoon. Yes, for those that do not know, 0870 0100222 can only mean BBC complaining time ..... again.

This time it was all to do with the report on Eco-Towns on the One O'Clock News, BBC 1. As per usual with such matters, when some tricky and rather unpalatable news needs to be delivered to the mushroom-composted dumb-struck English masses, the Beeb reporter injects a liberal amount of geographical fog into his piece to camera.

"The list of 10 new Eco-Towns will be announced by the Government within the next few days...... They will be spread right across the country - and local opposition is sure to grow"......

And so it went on, the YouKay this, the this country that - not a single metion about the real truth. All the Eco-Towns will be built in England. Planning, as with a hell of a lot of other stuff is a devolved issue.

So there I was, gobbing off to the guy on the other end of the phone at BBC Complaints Central (which is in Scotland, obviously). "Why can't the BBC actually be factual about the issue? The Eco-Towns will only be built across England and NOT the UK - so why do the BBC insist on telling me and 50 million others that they will be spread right across the UK?"

"Well, I'm sure they will be built in Scotland, also, but the problem is there isn't that much land around to build on"...

"Yes there is, there's bloody loads - and anyway, it's not about that, it's whether your Government, the Scottish Parliament votes to have them or not"...

"Ahhh, but isn't that what has happened here? Hasn't the English Parliament at Westminster decided to have these built - haven't they passed a Planning Bill to streamline the whole process?"........

Like I said, you have to laugh - otherwise you might just cry.

Contaminating young minds....

This morning, a good friend of mine attended her child's primary school assembly in Scotland. The special parents-invited version is usually held on a Friday, but due to a visit from the education authorities it had been rescheduled for today.

My friend is English, she married a Scot and lives in East Dumbartonshire. The primary school has a very high reputation, although the few kids with an English accent, including my friend's child has had a few problems with bullying in the past - the school has worked hard to try and stamp it out. This morning, their guest speaker was a cleric from the Church of Scotland.

He stood up, dressed in all his Christian finery, dog collar and regulation comb-over - and delivered his talk to a hall packed with impressionable young minds and their parents. He mentioned current events, spreading his Christian message throughout, weaving the Christian virtues of forgiveness, understanding and friendship throughout the speech.

He wound up with the story about last night's earthquake in Lincolnshire, England. He said that the 'quake was felt right across England and that there are initial reports of some structural damage.. He finished the with the quote - "It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of people"....

Tell me, what chance do those kids in that Scottish primary school have of growing up without the anti-English bigoted baggage of earlier Scottish generations when such pillars of their community feel safe in spouting such drivel?

My friend is approaching the authorities with a view to getting this bigot in a dress banned from addressing schoolkids - forever.

Goose-stepping down Berwick High Street......

Letter to the Berwick Advertiser:

Sir/Madam,

The news that Christine Grahame, (a Scottish National Party MSP) wants to 'bring the English town of Berwick-upon-Tweed back into the Scottish fold' and that (Lib Dem MSP) Jeremy Purvis would like to 'annexe up to 20 miles of Northumberland, including Holy Island' - and absorb it all into a greater Scotland, is nothing short of an outrage, worthy of an overly gold-braided banana republic despot. Do Purvis and Grahame intend to park their tanks on Berwick's municipal lawns, parachute a battalion of Highlanders onto the Town Hall roof, goose-step down Berwick High Street and claim the territory for the glorious Scottish Empire?

This outrageous attempt to filch yet another sovereign part of English national territory will not go unchallenged. England is not a cake to be broken up piecemeal and given willy-nilly to anyone who wants a slice. If these two MSP politicians had voiced their aggressive intentions towards any other country other than England, it would quite rightly be viewed by all as a singular act of imperialist expansion, not seen in Western Europe since the days of the Munich agreement.

Berwick has been continuously part of England since 1482 - a full decade before Christopher Columbus discovered America. As Scotland's 'claim' on Berwick is historical, does it mean that Purvis and Grahame will next be pressing for the USA to be handed back to native Americans? Perhaps they would like to give the Western Isles of Scotland back to Norway - and the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria to once again stretch all the way up to its original northern boundary of Edinburgh? Or is their view of history somewhat 'selective'?

These pathetic 'grass is greener' mind games with the people of Berwick will backfire. The pressure within England is ever growing for constitutional change. The last few opinion polls have shown over 60% of people in England in favour of an English Parliament. Dissatisfaction within England at the size of the Barnett Formula contribution to Scotland will grow and grow until bugetary reform becomes inevitable. And when it does, do you think Scotland will still be able to afford all the goodies they can now?

Sooner rather than later, the Barnett Formula bonanza will be scrapped, and when it is, there will be no doubt which side of the border will benefit. Instead of shipping billions to Scotland, taxes raised in England will once again be spent on public services for the benefit of the people of England - including those in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I suggest that Purvis and Grahame mind their own damn business, get on with the job of being Members of the Scottish Parliament, representing their Scottish constituents - and leave the business of England to the people of England. And as for the people of Berwick? Join the English Democrats - a party campaigning for an English Parliament and an end to the Barnett Formula. The sooner England has her own national parliament - the sooner we can take control of our own affairs.... and the sooner the people of England, including those in Berwick will reap the financial rewards.

England - another word for 'have nottery'

Question: What does England not have that all these other countries and territories do have?..... (answer at the bottom of the list)

THE 'HAVES'
Acadia, Afghanistan, Åland, African Union, Albania, Algeria, Alsace, American Samoa, Andalusia, Andorra, Angola, Anguilla, Antigua and Barbuda, Aragon, Argentina, Armenia, Aruba, Assyria, Asturias, Australia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Azores, The Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Basque Country, Bavaria, Belarus, Belarusian People's Republic, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bermuda, Bhutan, Biafra, Bolivia, Bonaire Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brittany, Brunei, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Canary Islands Cape Verde, Catalonia, Cayman Islands, Central African Republic, Chad, Chechnya, Chile, China, People's Republic of, China, Republic of (Taiwan), Colombia, Comoros, Confederate States of America, Congo, Democratic Republic of, Congo, Republic of, Cook Islands, Corsica, Costa Rica, Côte d'Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Curaçao, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, East Timor, East Turkistan, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Esperantio, Estonia, Ethiopia, European Union, Faroe Islands, Falkland Islands, Fiji, Finland, Flanders, France, Frisia, Galicia, Gabon, The Gambia, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Gibraltar, Greece, Greenland, Grenada, Groningen, Guam, Guatemala, Guernsey, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Hawaii, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Isle of Man, Israel, Italy, Ivory Coast, Jamaica, Japan, Jersey, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, North Korea, South Korea, Kurdistan and the Kurdistan Autonomous Region of Iraq, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Liechtenstein,, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Republic of, Madagascar, Madeira, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Mallorca, Malta, Manchukuo, Marshall Islands, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Federated States of Micronesia, Moldova, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Montserrat, Moravia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Nagorno-Karabakh, Namibia, Nauru, Nepal, The Netherlands, Netherlands Antilles, Newfoundland, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Niue, North Korea, Northern Cyprus, Norway, Occitania, Oman, Pakistan, Palau, Palestine, Panama, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Persia, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Qatar, Republika Srpska, Réunion, Rhodesia, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, St. Kitts and Nevis, Saint Helena, Saint Lucia, Saint-Martin/Sint-Maarten, Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, San Marino, São Tomé and Príncipe, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Senegal, Serbia, Serbia and Montenegro, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Taiwan, Tajikistan, Tanzania, Tatarstan, Thailand, Togo, Tonga, Transnistria, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Tuva, Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, United States, Upper Volta, Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Vatican City, Venezuela, Vietnam, Virgin Islands, British, Virgin Islands, U.S., Wales, Wallonia, Yemen, Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Zambia Zimbabwe.

THE 'HAVE NOT'
England.

Answer: The 'haves' all have their own national Anthem of course!

Miliband - This simply will not do. 1 out of 10. See me for double detention.

Dave Miliband, the Davie-no-mates creepy kid in the posh blazer, has been opening his mouth again. Not this time to suck up to Sir, or to report Balls E again for smoking behind the Speaker's Chair.... No, this time, Dave has got a bigger picture to occupy his brain cell - he's discovered 'a cause'

Dave has binned his 'I-Spy book of Interesting Tree Shapes', the 'Train-Spotters Gazette' and the 'How to Speak Klingon in 12 Easy Lessons' correspondence course in favour of a new and far more all-consuming passion....

Yes, the Rev' Dave has committed to bringing Nu Labour branded democracy to the world's huddled unfortunates. Democracy is going to be rolled out across the globe - with force if nessecary, whether they want it or not. All very laudable Dave, but shouldn't this religious zeal for goody-two-shoededness be thought through a bit more before you go shooting your gob off?

Before you go yomping around the world shoving your nose into other people's politics - how about giving the people of England a bit of democracy, first?

Dear Jeremy Purvis MSP....

I read about your desire to annexe up to 20 miles of northern England and deliver it free, gratis and for nothing, to Scotland in the Sunday Post yesterday. Don't you need tanks on the lawn, jackboots, a very large peaked cap, half a ton of nice medals and 50 yards of gold braid to do that?

Or is this yet another case of a Scots political representative shoving his nose into English affairs?.... Gordon Brown, Wee Duggie Alexander, Gorbals Mick - and now Jeremy Purvis, MSP.

Instead of making cheap headlines, maybe you could mind your own damn business - and do the job that I, as an English taxpayer are paying you for! Better still, maybe you could ask your uber boss, Nick Clegg why he doesn't support an English Parliament. You know, 'England' - that place with 50 million souls that is the only nation in Europe without any national representation....

And if we are talking about restoring 'historical boundaries' then I suggest the Anglo Saxon kingdom of Northumbria be given back all the land up to Edinburgh forthwith. What do you think, Mr Purvis - maybe you could start campaigning for that as your next pet project?

Alfred the OK.
The nation of England

Lord Falconer and the West Lothian Question....

They came from far and wide to listen. Gathering Wednesday night, 6:30 sharp in Committee Room 10, at the House of Commons to listen to the debate sponsored by the Hansard Society - Is the West Lothian Question unanswerable?

We'd travelled down from the North West of England - 4 of us in the car, the furthest of our number coming from Carlisle, over 300 miles from London.

Gathering outside the best club in town and following an intrusive touchy-feely search of my man vegetables by a purple gloved prophylactic-clad police officer, we entered the holy of holies, largesse central - the Palace of Westminster. What a fantastic building! Awesome architecture and sheer presence of stoneware is a heady mixture.... I have to say, I was totally gobsmacked at the grandeur of it all. It couldn't last. I was soon brought down to earth and the grinding reality of why we were there in the first place as the plodding baggage of Charles Clarke frumped past our throng.

Clarke really does cut a rather pathetically podgy figure nowadays. Charlie-no mates and his big wobbly shiny-trousered backside disappeared from view, barely acknowledging our questions about the possibility of us ever having an English Parliament.

Bang on time we were invited into Committee Room 10. This was not the original venue - they had to rearrange to a much bigger room due to the huge amount of interest. The place was packed - notable audience attendees included Tory MP, Sir George Young, Robin Tilbrook EDP chair, Mike Knowles from the CEP and UKIP man Mr Campbell Bannerman. There was also a creditable crew of EDP, CEP and patriotic foot soldiers present. All looked to the top table for the protagonists to appear.

First to show was former Gordon Brown girlfriend and debate anchor, Sheena MacDonald. Tory Grandee and Grand Committee obssessive, Sir Malcolm Rifkind soon followed. All eyes levelled towards the swing doors waiting for the supposed political heavyweight of the Falconer-man to show.

We waited. And waited....... And waited some more.

Sheena apologised for Falconer's disregard. The audience grew restless - afterall, some of us had travelled 300 miles to be there. We'd made it - but the fat control freak hadn't... True to form, Falconer was showing the utmost contempt to the people of England...... Suddenly, the swing doors burst open and the bloated, sweating, visceral Mr Blobbied form of the Lord Falconer lurched into the room. Grand entrance it wasn't. Shambolic, disorganised and loud, it most certainly was.

The heaving, gasping sweaty mess of fat, badly fitting clothing and delusions of adequecy collapsed onto the desk next to Sheena. Sir Malcolm grinned. His alter-ego was bursting to get out - tweed skirt, sensible cardy and arrogant sneer..... Yes, Miss Jean Brodie in her prime was a morphed reality. In his mind, Rifkind was the creme de la creme and Falconer was Billy Bunter, the duffer from the lower 4th remove....

As Falconer was a nanosecond away from a coronary, Sheena thought it best that Miss Jean Rifkind should start the proceedings. He started. He boomed his shrill Brodie brogue. "Grand Committee" was the answer according to Sir Malc. It was "sensible, elegant, and right for England and the Union"..... The heckling started. Sir Malc tried to big-up the amazing nobility of the Union, apparently, for the last 300 years we have been"punching above our weight", "we like each other", "we get on"........ "however, if something is not done, English members of Parliament will not put up with it much longer"........ Sir Malc' obviously knows a few English MPs with backbones then?.

It was predictable Tory unionist stuff. Completely unworkable, obviously - but hey what did we expect? And anyway, Rifkind was merely the sideshow, the main act, the Falconer was about to take the stage.

He got up. The wheels fell off - or rather, the tail flaps of his hand-made shirt and 3 stone of concentrated gut-lard flopped out. Freed from the constraints of his straining belt, he struggled like a fat man possessed to get everything tucked away again. Charlie Falconer, the man with the most ill-describing surname since 'Tiny Littletodge' the legendary and massively endowed porn star - looked awful. Sweating top lip, jowls to the power of ten and comedy hair - the trinity of dishevelment was there for all to see. He gave up trying to stuff his flabby bits away. They'd made their bolt for freedom and there was no way they were going to get up close and personal with Charlie's Y-Fronts ever again... The tail of his shirt hung like a white flag of surrender as he went into his trying to 'defend the indefensible' routine.

"England accounts for over 80% of the population of UK",...... "To give England a Parliament would be a disaster for the Union"....... The heckling went into frenzy mode. Falconer, flustering on regulo 12 by now, decided to play his ace..... and what an ace it was....

"Look, if England got its own Parliament, and the Union broke up.... what would happen to all the Scottish people living in England - and all the English people living in Scotland?"....

The heckling stopped - stunned. What was this overblown, overpaid, overpensioned and overweight buffoon going on about? Was he saying that all these people would be expelled back to their native countries because England got a little national democracy? Yes he was.... A collective moan of "For God's sake" rose from the audience..... Just then, the man who had travelled from Carlisle shouted out "What the hell are you talking about - what about the 400,000 French people living in London?"

Falconer gurned like a fish miming to the Sound of Silence..... Nothing came out.

It was all downhill for Falconer from then on. After the gem of gems - a killer line that any 8 year-old would have been proud of had passed his lips, his 'credibility-o-meter' was in freefall.

Just then, smooth Sheena, the girl with all the facts at her fingertips tried to rescue the drowning Falconer..... "Well, as you are the Lord Chancellor..." Thankfully, the informed audience interrupted her banal question and put her right. Falconer was no longer LC - he'd been kicked out by her ex-boyfriend in number 10 - not only that, his pension had been brought down from 'Absolutely Obscene' to the more respectable 'Bloody Outrageous' level by the Prudence man himself.

The ex-Lord Chancellor flopped down into his reinforced seat - exhausted, exasperated and expendable. So that was it, was it?

Charlie Falconer, supposedly, the most forensic, most brilliant legal mind since Perry Mason on a very smarty-pants day, had delivered his answer to 'the question'..... Well actually, he hadn't. Sheena turned to the gasping form on her right and said to him - "So, what's the answer to the WLQ then, Lord Falconer?"

Falconer wobbled into action. Arms whirred, Perry Mason 2008 vintage, parading to the expectant throng.... "I put it to you that the answer, the answer to the West Lothian Question is .... to do nothing - just leave it as it is"...

Two hundred pairs of eyes fixed on him. Could he feel the hatred directed at this bombastic has-been? In less civilised lands, Falconer would have been dragged out by his shirt-tails there and then, and hung from the nearest lamp post as the price for his obscene arrogance.

The Q and A's started...... Well, not really. The questions rained in - unfortunately the answers were totally inadequate - they mostly answered questions that weren't asked. But then, just when I'm beginning to lose the fight to resist jumping the desk and beating Falconer to within an inch of his pension, someone got up and asked the great white effer if he thought that England was a country in its own right?

"Of course, England plainly is a nation"..... A few fainted, a few went mad. Falconer admits England is a nation - shock!

The heckling was really starting to take off as the answers went ever weirder. Our little enclave, just over an extended punching distance from the top table was beginning to get a reputation. Sheena distained at us from over her bi-focals, Sir Malc' beaded his beady eye on us, Falconer occasionally flicked a gob of sweat over in our direction - we were cut adrift from the people allowed to ask a question. The minder from the Hansard Society turned to us and said "Ssshhhhhh!!!"

Quick as a flash, my esteemed colleague mentally flipped through his book of witty retorts....... "No, you shush, yourself!" he said. And she did.

Brilliant or what?

Anyway, having well and truly shushed our adversary to silence with a bit of northern wit, we were free to go into turbo-heckle mode.

Falconer simply would not, could not admit that the fairest actions to take would be to let the people of England decide via a referendum.... just like the good folk of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland had.... His retort was constantly to tell us to get voted in through the ballot box.

And strangely - and ever so predictably, towards the end, a few Irish and Scots got up to proclaim that the union was too important to mess with..... Some public schoolboy in a maroon blazer got up, proclaimed he was a Unionist - then did a right good impression of Tony Blair aged 14 and three quarters. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that this kid was little Lord Falconeroy - a mini-me ringer for his voluminous Dad... Another bloke got up and said he was from Yorkshire (why are they always from Yorkshire?) and that all the people who wanted an English Parliament were a load of 'nutters'.....Hmmmmmmm.

Finally, as if to bond us all together into a great big You-Kay family of fabness, Sheena revealed that her Dad came from Scotland but her Mum was from the South West..... Sir Malcolm nodded sagely - why; his Mum came from Scotland and his Dad came from Yorkshire - the audience hissed. They both blinked. They just didn't understand did they? That last frippery, that last attempt to try and show us that we are all brothers with UK DNA coursing through our veins massively backfired - but they didn't know why.... In spite of their protestations, they still viewed Scotland as a nation and England as a shovel of regions.....

And then they were gone. Sir Malc' shoved his papers into his slim-line brief case - the Falconer tried to shovel his gut back into his trousers...

We meandered out into the passageway. I wondered if Sheena, Falconer and Sir Malcolm were even now in some mega-subsidised parliamentary bar aptly named 'The Gravy Train', drinking their subsidised gee and tees, slapping each other's backs and wondering if they had got away with it. Got away with the deception that they were supposed to be from opposite ends of the night's proposition, when all along we knew they were there purely to maintain the status quo - to keep the new Brit order of English emasculation and Scottish empowerment....

"Well Sheena and Malcolm, I think we got away with that OK, don't you?... Bottoms up"

My daydream was interrupted as 'Wee Duggie' Alexander almost walked into me. He smiled and said "Helloo" and hurried into the chamber.. Wow, Wee Duggie - he's usually residing in Gordon's top pocket isn't he? Paul Murphy, new Welsh Secretary and 'regions of England' champion wandered past.... him and Duggie were obviously rushing into the lobby to vote on another piece of English-only legislation.

We walked into Westminster Hall and stood on the exact same spot where Charles the first (hey, another Scot!) received the news from his regicide accusers that they were going to remove 15 lbs of useless fat from his Royal personage. We gazed up to look at the truly fantastic hammer-beamed roof. Amazing, something English, made by Englishmen that the powers-that-be hadn't yet destroyed or sold to America. We clicked through the security gate and onto the street. A man walked past us wearing an expensive camel coat. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders - it was, well sort of. The deaths of thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of British soldiers are directly due to his opinion that the Iraq war was legal..... I mumbled something under my breath in his direction - he didn't respond. No doubt he'd heard it all before. Lord Goldsmith wended his sad and lonely way home

Over the road, we went to the Red Lion pub, had a few scoops of IPA then decided to make for the car. We wished our fellow patriots best wishes and strolled towards the car park under Parliament green. Sauntering past a bus stop, we came across a whizened old ginger nutted politician waiting for his ride home. He looked pathetic, and very, very 'worse for wear'. He shouted over to me - "Hellooo there, to you!"

Yes, Charles Kennedy looked as if he had fallen on very hard times. One of our group started to question him about the nation of England and the prospects of a parliament for our country.....

I walked off, full of resolve. Things really do have to change - the donkeys at Westminster need to know that the nation of England ain't happy. This year.... they willl find out.

Alfie the Well Irritated versus Fatty Falconer and the Comb-over Kid at the House of Lards...

Good versus a tubby Weevil..

Today's the day. The day when 'Alfie the really pissed' goes head-to-head with the his royal Lardyness, Lord Falconer - former Lord Chancellor, bezzy mate of Tony Blair, founder member of the Scottish Raj and all round enemy of English democracy (and friend of pork pies... burgers... and lard)....

The match-up will happen at the House of Lords in a debate about the West Lothian Question - and how it can be solved (English Parliament is obviously not in M'lud's lexicon of answers) . Predictably, as the subject is all about the political emasculation of the English, the panel is 100% Scots (Malcolm Rifkind, the man with the worst Shredded Wheat combover in Westminster will be joining the Lard Falconer on stage). Chairing the debate will be Sheena MacDonald, former girlfriend of Gordon Brown - and yet another Scottish person...

If anyone is going along to the debate, I'll see you there. You'll easily recognise me, I'll be the one foaming at the mouth....

Terry Butcher gets confused....

Terry Butcher, that great big cartoony Englishman - you know, the guy who bleeds for his country is about to become the
Assistant to new Scottish footy manager, George Burley. I have no problem with that - and obviously, when he takes the job, he will be rooting for the boys from the north. Fair enough.

The one thing I do have a problem with is this quote from Tel regarding a possible Scotland v England meeting...

"I'd want England to lose in that situation. But if it came to singing the national anthems I'd probably sing both".

Errr, Tel, baby, no you wouldn't. - You'd only be singing one national anthem - the Scottish one.... because England isn't deemed sufficiently anthemy enough to warrant one.

Welsh full-time, Scottish part-time, English no-time...

Now that Peter Hain has belatedly fallen on his sword, we can be sure of two things. One, the future is no longer orange - and two, Gordon Brown's consequential Cabinet reshuffle has upset some Scots.

The chatter from some folk north of the border today is all about how Scotland has been slighted by their Kirkcaldy boy. His hasty reshuffle has given the Welsh portfolio to Paul Murphy - but Hain used to do two jobs, Secretary of State for Work & Pensions and Welsh Secretary. In effect, secretarying for Wales was a bit of a part-time activity for Hain - but now Murphy will be doing the job, full time.

Unfortunately, the job of Secretary of State for Scotland is still being done by a part timer, in the rotund form of Dour Des Browne. He splits the Scottish portfolio with his busy role of Secretary of State for Defence - so you can understand why some Scots are feeling just a tad ignored.... I mean, population wise, they're over twice as big as Wales, so you would think they should be worth a full 40 hours a week's attention from someone in the Cabinet?....

But if the Scots feel insulted because they only have a part timer as a Minister - how do you think the English feel having a 'no timer' in Cabinet? No 'Secretary of State for England' for us! Mind you, if Gordon were ever to chance upon the road to Damascus, discover some fairness and actually give us some national recognition, I'm sort of betting that the new and sexy post of English Secretary would be filled by Duggie Alexander, Alistair Darling or even Dessie Browne....... (Well, you wouldn't expect the post of English Secretary to be trusted to an English person, would you?)

"Get down Shep, and go and attack that Scotsman"...

Blue Peter was on the telly last night - it was presenter Konnie Huq's last show before she goes off to do lots of toadying for BBC-New Labour Productions (more about that, tomorrow).

The programme almost ended, and a few filmed tributes from past presenters and z-listers were being aired. One by one, the talentless former presenters voxed their tributes to Huq.... "Brilliant" ...."Fantastic" ....."Talented" ...."Blah, blah, blah"..

Then Matt Lucas popped up, as did Vic Reeves. They both luvvie-gushed for all they were worth. At the end of the 'tribute-porn' section, the biggest z-lister of them smirked into view. There he was, capped teeth, botoxed forehead, sincerity stamped all over his insincere face, smirking for Britain...... Gordon Brown, Prime Minister and Blue Peter fan, apparently.

"Konnie, thanks for everything you've done, you've done brilliantly.... Wish you all the best in the future and thank you from all the viewers of Blue Peter"...

Sickening. I mean, is nowhere safe from Gordon Brown's smirking boat? Biddy Baxter would never have allowed it. Is he after a Blue Peter badge or what?

Watching him smirk the smirk, wanting to shove one of my size fourteens straight through the screen, I started to think of creative and novel uses for sticky-backed plastic, bog tubes, a couple of Sqeezy bottles and a 'How to make an AK-47 from everyday household objects in one easy lesson' instruction book....

Gordon, here's one I made earlier.....

Does Scotland get its fair share?

Well, what do you think?
Does it?
Personally, I reckon the title should read -
'Does Scotland get more than its fair share?'.....

I should cocoa.

But being that the headline came from a story on the BBC website, publicising a radio piece, you don't think that the organ that has a slogan which proclaims 'Nation Shall Speak Peace Unto Nation' - but really means 'Mouthpiece of the Westminster Establishment' would say it as it actually is do you?

The first four paragraphs in the piece tells you all you need to know about how the BBC sees England - and how subservient they are to the mushroom principle as instructed by the Brown Gestapo.

'Free university tuition, free personal care for the elderly, free prescriptions on the way. Has Scotland become the land of the free at the expense of Britain's other nations and regions?

Ruth Olifant studies anthropology at Aberdeen University. She and her English friend Anna have to pay tuition fees capped at £3,000 per year, unlike their Scottish friend, Annie.

Ruth says: "It does feel a bit unfair sometimes. It's absolutely essential that I work so I can survive, really, because you have this extra burden, this extra debt."

Anna is more resigned: "Scotland is a separate country, it has separate powers. Obviously I'd like to not pay fees - that would be fantastic but you can't brew about it." '

Oh, can't you Anna?

It reads like a Janet and John book, and I find both the web report and the programme deeply offensive. All summed up by this pathetic piece of puppy dog journo' babble -

'What angers MPs representing English regions is the system by which money is allocated to the Scottish Parliament - not by tax revenue but by something called the Barnett Formula'.

By something called 'the Barnett Formula', children. It's a sort of gift that the English people who don't have a country give to the clever, chippy people who wear skirts and eat deep fried Mars bars alot.....

Woodward and Bernstein, it ain't. MPs don't represent English Regions, they represent English constituencies - constituencies in England, don't they?

The BBC's obsession with the renaming of my country as 'the English regions' has really teed me off. The shambolic amateurism of the piece is par for the course, and it really does have to stop. I'm bloody fed up with all the constant rewriting of geography, history and honesty, courtesy of the BBC and its Ministry of Truth Division. Therefore, within the next day or two a campaign will be started to show these fantasists up for what they are - a bunch of lying toerags.

The CPRE - England's only hope?....

OK the gloves are off.

It's the people of England versus the occupying forces of Gordon Brown and his determination to ruin our country beneath a concretion of houses, more houses, nuclear power stations, runways, reservoirs and even more houses.

This man and his trowel simply has to be stopped.... right now. And there are two ways to do it - we can grab hold of his theodolite and shove it where the Sun don't shine - or we can act together. The people of England need to wake up from their New Labour induced comfort zone and get protesting before their birthright, the English countryside is turned into Airstrip One meets Barratt Homes meets Nuclear Holocaust.

Can I implore every patriotic English person out there to join the Campaign for the Protection of Rural England (CPRE). Being a body that fights for the rights of natural England it is obviously not state supported - so they are desperate for money to enable them to fight for England. I don't want my kids to grow up in the world's first coast-to-coast concrete country - and I bet you don't either.

They are currently mounting many campaigns around the country against the Government's draconian building programme. A couple of note are campaigning to get a larger part of the South Downs declared a National Park and fighting the huge housing plans for the West Midlands.

Join the CPRE, tell your friends, blog about their work - and help to fight for England before our green and pleasant becomes more Brown and nasty than it already is.

Before it is too late

UPDATE - I have also rung the CPRE - primarily to let them know about the Witanagemot Club - and the ever growing band of online English Patriots.

They were very suspicious and cagey..... I ranted. "Time to defend England! You know, against 3 million new houses, nuclear power stations, etc, etc..." The guy I talked to says they have a blog - I advised him most strongly to get the blog and the cause more visible by joining the Witanagemot Club.