More lies, lies, lies from the BBC….

The BBC Cancer Week news special is really getting on my nerves. Every day they spew forth more smoke and mirrors rubbish for English consumption.

Today’s effort was from a special medical reporter broadcasting from a French hospital. Obviously, the French standard of cancer healthcare makes our efforts look feeble indeed. After interviewing lots of recovering patients, the hack donned his gravely concerned furrowed brow and informed a shocked UK audience that "Avastin, whilst available free to everyone in France is not available to any NHS patients in the UK because NICE have not approved it.

Sorry ace medical reporter, but last time I looked, Scotland was part of the UK – I also believe they do actually have NHS patients…… and they are certainly receiving Avastin free of charge….. So that’s alright then.

For the benefit of the hack – and every other BBC ignoramus
please find below a detailed explanation of Avastin downloaded from ‘The Independent’ website.

Avastin (bevacizumab)
COST: £20,000 a year
WHAT IT IS: Another monoclonal antibody for use primarily on colon cancers. It attacks the tumour cells while causing little damage to the body's normal, healthy cells.
WHAT IT DOES: Trials have shown it can shrink tumours by up to 40 per cent by reducing the cancer's oxygen and nutrient supply.
HOW TO GET IT: Available in Scotland for colon cancers. Nice is expected to decide this autumn on its use for colon cancers in England and Wales

Alex Salmond knows which side he’s batting for…

Mr Salmond was voted in as Scottish First Minister today. The opening line of his acceptance speech went like this…

"Today, I commit myself to leadership wholly and exclusively in the Scottish National interest"…..

Sort of says it all really. I wonder if Gordon Brown will use exactly the same line when he takes the reins as PM?

Of course Oona, you do realise - this means war…

Oona King, Brown Babe, Galloway scalp and editor - moderator of Gordon Brown’s Blog has blanked me for the very, very, very last time. Alfie is not happy at having his pithy, off-message comments routinely chucked into the delete bin because they’re not saying how fab Gordon Brown is and how wunderbar his English-centric policies are..

Blogging is a byword for a free exchange of opinions, a la Voltaire (I may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it) Apparently not in Oona King’s case.

Oona, Gordon and the rest of the backroom Gordstapo at GB Blog HQ you just don’t get it do you? You don’t operate a blog – you operate a propaganda machine from Gordon’s Ministry of Bull.

And so I have to warn you, Alfie has never been a fan of propaganda machines and is plotting revenge on the supposed 'listening man' and his conniving cohorts…..

Watch this space.

Blair is dead..... bring on the book deal.

I know it’s not a time for soundbites but I really did feel the gonads of climactic euphoria when I watched Tony Blair deliver his leaving speech from Sedgefield.

It had the lot, pure Disney from start to finish. Bambi without Thumper, Pathos without the other Musketeers, Mills and Boone without a plot, misty eyes and snotty noses without a hankie, manic rentacrowdsters without brains clapping and a-whooping for Britain - and great dollops of Barbara Cartland bad-taste for extra effect….

Who does Blair think he is? Martin Luther King? Jesus? Mandela? St Francis of Assisi? Moses? Stig of the Dump? God Almighty?…..

It was ‘Goodbye Mr Chips’ meets ‘Done up like a kipper’ all shoved into a mega sized sick bag 'to go'.

The Narcissist is dead, bring on the Dour man... we’re waiting for ya….

Hiding bad English news with UK smoke again….

A Swedish study has found out that the ‘UK’ has one of the worst records over access to cancer drugs in the Western world.

Researchers ranked the ‘UK’ in the bottom group for its "slow and low" uptake of drugs after analysing the sales of 67 treatments in 25 countries…….

So, is it a ‘UK’ wide problem? I should cocoa. Those grubby little oiks at NICE are being blamed – so that means it is England that is at the bottom of the league and not ‘the UK’

Lead researcher Dr Bengt Jonsson said: "It is our hope that this report will inspire policy-makers and decision-makers to take action to address these imbalances so that access to new innovative cancer drugs does not become dependent on the patient's country of residence.

"Countries need to address urgently how they are going to accommodate newer drugs into health care systems and pay for them."

Unfortunately Bengt baby, my little Swedish bundle of intellectual naivity, in England there are 2 Hopes.

When compared with the other countries of the UK, it's strictly.‘Bob Hope’ and ‘No Hope’ as far as equitable and fair cancer treatment for English citizens,

Full smoke and mirrors story here courtesy of the BBC red pen department…..

The Seven Sins of England – and a Mojo rediscovered..

Thanks to Channel 4 for re-igniting my passion - post J4E March and the Local Election dramas. The last week has been hard, tiring and wearisome – but more about that in a later post. Consequently, I’d sort of lost a bit of my English mojo…… that was of course until I watched ‘The Seven Sins of England’ on Channel 4 last night.

If you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss much – just the usual diatribe of anti English bile. Skinheads, Chavs, Divvies and Ne’r do wells – they were all there, giving their ‘man on the street’ perspective and letting us know, (through various readings taken from old manuscripts) how the English have, for over a thousand years, always been a drunken, bigoted, intolerant lot.

Somehow, I don’t think they’ll be following up the programme with ‘The Seven Sins of the Scots’, ‘The 101 Sins of the French’ or 'The Several Billion Sins of the Germans’……

Oooops, pardon me. There I go, referring to type in my foreigner-hating English kind of way….

This Englishman gets it…..

Hip hips all round for Kent businessman, Tim Allard. He feels so strongly that St George’s Day should be a public holiday that he has given his entire staff of 40 the day off tomorrow.

Full story here

OK 'Let's Talk' ­ first question, which one farted?

Someone's just let one go!!

Did you see the Nu Labour party political the other night? What a bloody laugh. It's all about the caring Labour Party interacting with the masses. Nu Labour listens, cares, feels the pain of ordinary folk, blah, blah pass me the sick bag, blah. There was yer commonal garden taxi driver waxing lyrical about what they would say to Tony or Gordon if they were only sat in the back of their cab right now!

Except, that this was Nu Labour and therefore hidden agendas abounded. The taxi driver wasn't a big fat baldy tattooed 50 year old with a picture of his dear old Mum on his dashboard and a rolled up copy of The Sun by his side. No, this taxi driver was a woman, she may have been a lesbian - and I couldn¹t see if she only had one leg or not - but she sure had a lot of questions to ask.. Oh, if only Tony and Gordon were there, they could provide all the answers.

No time to find out, we¹re off to vox-pop land to hear what Janet and John Labour-Plant would say if only Tony or Gordon was standing next to them in the Tesco queue.

Johnny Labour-Plant, a very serious teenager said he would ask them, nay tell them just how important it was to make sure 'Britishness' was taught in schools to ethnic minorities. Johnny failed to tell the audience why it wasn't being taught in Scottish or Welsh schools though. If my kids had been asked, they'd have asked if they had any cheats for 'Grand Theft Auto'....

We cut to a shot of a French juggler. Well he had a stripey jumper on so he must have been.... "Could Monsieur Brown do any juggling?".... A bloke with a rucksack on his back mused whether Brown had yet formulated his Transport policy.....

And so it continued. I half expected a chap in a bowler hat to put down his copy of the FT to ask about business and a bloke dressed from head to toe in bandages to wonder how much money was going into the NHS.... Between you and me, I reckon the camera crew was on location in Cliche Mall, Labourtown....

And then we're back. Back to the taxi-cab. Mrs Taxi driver is asking question after question in her piece to camera. Why won't someone answer her?.. And then, suddenly something stirs on the back seat. We pan, we gasp. For there, sat on the back seat are Tone and Gord. They're both looking a bit suspicious to be honest. Are they preparing to do a runner when they reach journey's end?

Their body language is something to behold. No matter how clever these two think they are, they're not. Fixed grins, staring eyes, hands and buttocks clenched.. They look like they are both under a sentence of death. Suddenly, the cab lurches round a corner, they both pivot. The car straightens yet still Gordon is in Leaning Tower of Pisa 'pivot' position.

No doubt about it, Gordon is squeezing one out.

It looks like it might have been an 'SBD',­ but I could be wrong - it might have been a right royal rasper 'Phhaaaarrrrrpppppp' and if so, the boffins at 'Nu Labout Truth Department' have cleverly put a bit of Tony Blair impassionment over the sound to disguise it. Bullshit always drowns out the whiff of something smelly doesn't it?

We trundle on. Is this whole journey a statement about the last 10 years? Does it sum up Nu Labour's economic policy? Will Gordon have to plant a tree in order to make his fart 'Methane neutral'?

Soon we reach the end of the road. Was this whole production some sort of Freudo-Jungian pastiche on Blair's tenure?.. Was Brown's bodily function a damning indictment of his Boss's handling of Iraq? Were we nearing Tony's terminus? Was this the end of his road?

Anyway, the two Scotsmen didn't do a runner. Blair got out first and stood around, not knowing what to do. I don't think he'd ever been in a taxi before ­- it was obvious that the concept of 'paying his way' had passed him by. Was he going to declare that he would make a donation to charity to cover the cost of the journey?

Eventually, Gordon fumbled, groped into his suit pockets for a couple of notes.

We never actually saw Gordon hand over the cash. He made as if to hand it over, the taxi driver made as if to accept it, thereby giving the impression that a transaction had taken place. And then we faded to end credits and stirry-stirry music. I think the telly people call the technique 'conning the public'....

Oh, the irony of it all…..

What happens if you are a Welsh person living in Wales but attend an English General Practitioner’s surgery just across the English border – and the Doc gives you a prescription?

Do you.....

A) Pay the near seven quid charge because you are making use of the English National Health Service – and everyone in England obviously has to pay for the medicine?

B) Decide to travel an extra 12 miles in the opposite direction to use a Welsh doctor’s services and thus qualify for free prescriptions – and at the same time lighten the burden on Hereford NHS Trust?

C) Moan, moan, moan, moan and moan so much that the Welsh Assembly cave in and give you a special entitlement card which will, upon presentation qualify you for free prescriptions?

Surprise, surprise, they went for option C .

So next time you sick people of Hereford are coughing and spluttering your way through a quick read of a well thumbed ‘People’s Friend’ in your local surgery and you get into conversation with the Welsh guy in the next seat – just remember who is getting the free prescriptions…..
(Even when they are using English services)

English and going blind – better read ‘Animal Farm’ quick then….

Well, that didn’t take long did it – English Shire Horse carted off to the knacker’s yard - again…

Another ‘sorry, this expensive drug isn’t for you English’ story breaks – and the surprise is… no one is surprised!. This time it’s retired war hero, 85 year old Jack Strange who is suffering. He’s in danger of going blind for the want of a simple and effective drug that’s available in Scotland but not in England.

Jack has been stumping up the funds for treatment out of his own pocket for the past year – but now all his savings are spent and there’s just the house left to pawn….

No doubt, after a lifetime of work and service, Jack thought the state would look after his failing health….. Sorry Jack, you just don’t fit the New Labour profile mate… you’re not one of the chosen, you’re one of ‘them’…

If you want to qualify to be one of the chosen, then I’m afraid you don’t have a prayer…. For a start you’re English, so that automatically makes you one of ‘them’ – which automatically qualifies you for unlimited supplies of stale bread to make poultices with, some horrible brown tonic that your Mum used to give you and a deluxe pack of vinegar and brown paper for those really nasty suppurating boils……

All the really good gear - the cancer and Alzheimer’s drugs are all on the train to ‘the chosen’ up in Scotland – for their need is apparently more deserving than ours….

And that’s where I came in really, these awful stories of mendacious betrayal reminds me of my O level English - and the book we had to read as part of the course. – Animal Farm by George Orwell.

‘Boxer’ the English Shire horse had worked his guts out for years and was looking forward to a happy retirement – unfortunately, Napoleon, the Scottish piggy with a Tony Blair power complex had other ideas.

He called in the knacker man with his knacker van. His usefulness over, Boxer became something big in the petfood industry. Piggy Napoleon and his piggy Raj henchman toasted Boxer’s good health with the finest Cognac as he was driven off for slaughter…

And they looked from pig to Blair, and from Blair to pig, and from pig to Blair again; but already it was impossible to say which was which…..

Sorry Jack – but you’d better face facts, you’re just a knackered old English Shire horse, mate.

Tory makeover in Scotland - shock

The Conservative Party in Scotland are considering changing their name. Apparently, the Tories are seen as being too English to your average Glaswegian. It appears that the current moniker of ‘Scottish Conservatives’ isn’t quite Scottish enough. So ‘Call Me Dave’ and his stripey-tied perception panels have been working overtime, running a few suggestions up flagpoles, thinking outside boxes and pushing envelopes as far as they can be pushed. - All in an effort to come up with the new exciting new title (with added newness with an extra special ingredient of an exciting blend of new excitement)…

In a vain attempt to discover the truth, Private Dick, 'Alfie Gumshoe' has been rummaging through a few black bin bags round the back of Conservative Central Office… No luck I’m afraid, I couldn't find any – or more likely they don't exist, the fevered febrile cranial constructs of Tory-Thnk-Tankery & Partners Inc have utterly failed to think up even one satisfactory name.

Ever anxious to lend a helping hand, Alfie, the Edward de Bono of the Blogging world has decided devote a bit of grey matter to this imponderable problem. After much research he has come up with the following list that Call Me Dave can have for nothing on account of his party being a bit hard up and all….

The Hearty Bravehearts

Neeps, Tatties and Sensible Policies

The Clan McTory

The Krankies

Policies Galore

No more Rob-Roy Robbery. (We’ll get the cash from the English instead).

The Sean Connery Fan Club

Next stop, Director General….

Alfie, the good citizen, graduate of the University of Skint and all round nice chap has managed to be voted onto the Audience Panel for a leading current events BBC TV programme….

I heard they were looking for viewers for their panel and applied, daring them to take me on…. And to my utter amazement, they have....... (I must have been awarded the token old scroat position).

Nevertheless, it's all a bit of a bit of a surprise really considering I must write around a letter a week to the Producers of the programme, criticising their vacuous and inaccurate anti-English content and thicko presenters, as they inanely mouth the words on the Autocue without having a rats bum what they are talking about…..

Now I’m on as a member, the duties of the Audience Panel are not to be taken lightly. As well as offering my views, I am expected to put forward ‘suggestions for relevant and current issues for coverage’ to the programme makers.

So that’ll be about the unfair and discriminatory treatment of the English then?….

Margaret Beckett – in the manure….

Judging by Margaret Beckett’s reaction to the severe censure of her handling of payments to English farmers, it looks like ‘mea culpa’ is not on her favourite list of Scrabble words. MPs have called for former Environment Secretary Beckett to be held to account over delayed EU subsidies to English farmers. The Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Committee called the handling of the new Single Payments Scheme an "embarrassing failure"

Not much wringing of hands from Maggie. No offer to do the decent thing even though she has moved on to another job. No grovelling apology for the number of English farmers who have gone out of business – or even committed suicide whilst waiting for an EU subsidy cheque from DEFRA that never actually arrived. Margaret’s conscience is clear – apparently, she took the decisions "in good faith" ….. So that’s all right then.

Worse still is the potential fine that the taxpayer is going to have to stump up £500 million to the EU for the late/non-payment fiasco.

The MPs' report said: "A culture where ministers and senior officials can preside over failure of this magnitude and not be held personally accountable creates a serious risk of further failures in public service delivery."

The committee wants new guidance to make clear to ministers what they should do to take responsibility in the event of serious departmental failure….

Some hope. Since when has a government minister ever taken the noble route and resigned because they had cocked up? Twenty five years ago – Lord Carrington and Richard Luce fell on their swords citing their failure to address Argentina’s aggression in the South Atlantic. Since then we seem to have had either bloody fantastic and capable ministers – or a load of utter dumkoffs whose only knowledge of ‘honour’ is the kind that Lord Cashpoint reputedly sets up for wads of cash…..

Interestingly enough, and true to form, the BBC reports on TV, radio and web avoids describing the victims of this cock up as ‘English farmers’ – preferring to describe them simply as ‘farmers’… There is however a superbly agricultural quote on one web page from Leicestershire farmer Andrew Brown that, somehow managed to slip through the BBC web censor’s red pen….


Farmer Brown agreed with an Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Committee report calling for Mrs Beckett to be among those considering their positions.

"It was Mrs Beckett who decided to go down this route of the most complicated system for England and England alone," he said.

"Whereas in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, they had a different system and they paid their farmers on time. So that left the English farmers at a great disadvantage.

"And where else but the Westminster village would the person who's in charge of this mess get promoted to foreign secretary?"

Where indeed?

Look out, flying Cable overhead….

Well, wonder of wonders. Vince Cable, that English hating Lib-Demmer has nailed his colours to the mast on a question of err, nailing our colours to the mast Amazing.

Shove your Celtgelt up your spending gap, Gordon.

My good friend Gashy sent me this image of one of the brand spanking new 20 quid Bank of England notes with Adam Smith’s boat on. It’s proof positive that the people’s protest against the Barnett Formula, otherwise known as the Celtgelt / Celtgeld is gathering pace.

Alfie would really like to join in. He’s got his indelible pen ready and a witty quip to hand. Unfortunately, new 20 quid bank notes are as rare as honest politicians round our way (we’ve only just got used to the disappearance of the farthing and the diminishing purchasing power of the groat).

If anyone would like to help me out, just send your spare 20 quid Smithers to yours truly and I’ll get scribbling right away….….

Joe Stalin's youngest....

I don’t know, what do you think? Is the Soviet Man of Steel related to our own Iron Brewed Chancellor? Check out the eyebrows, eyelids, chins and miserable menacing scowls....

Did Joe Stalin have a dalliance with old Mrs Brown from the Soviet Republic gulag of Kirkcaldykov all those years ago? Was she seduced by the big handlebar moustache, the five year plan and the endless supply of rocket grade vodka?

In short, is Gordon, Joe’s love muffin? Is our Chancellor’s real name, Gordon Ivanavoff Stanislav Stalin?

You know what, he just could be…. And if he was, it would all makes sense….. ‘Gordon Stalin’, ‘Gorball’s Mick Rasputin the mad drunk’ and ‘Czar Tony Romanov, the really, really Terrible’…….

One thing’s for sure, when Gordon finally takes over the Politburo and Czar Tony is airbrushed out of history, will our new glorious leader be buying a bumper pack of ice picks? If so, Charles Clarke, John Reid and Lord Turnbull better watch out.

Dear BBC Breakfast TV.......

Another letter of complaint I'm afraid regarding the story in this morning's show about hospitals in England making nearly £100 million from car park charges.

Honestly, when will the people at BBC Breakfast invest in some journalists? The standard of reporting this story was just pathetic -- and as per usual, the two people masquerading as 'presenters' completely failed to understand the dynamic of the story. Hospital Car Park charges only happen in England because English hospitals are the only ones out of the UK who actually charge their patients to park their cars.

And when Sian Williams read out that email about the hospital in Merthyr Tydfil that has FREE car parking, she airily summised that it is because land prices in Merthyr were cheaper than in England. Good grief, to come to such a conclusion really is pathetic, quite apart from it being totally inaccurate.

Wales and Scotland let their hospital visitors and patients have free access to their hospital car parks because they can afford to do so, courtesy of the Barnett formula cash dividend gathered from English tax payers.

So English patients are the only ones who have to pay for hospital car parking, only ones who don't qualify for expensive cancer drugs, only ones who have to sell their homes to pay for residential care.....

Don't you think this should be reported by the BBC? But then again, I'm not surprised, After all, editorial objectivity from the BBC was one of the first casualties of a post Hutton corporation. You are nothing but supine lap dogs for Nu Labour - with the reporting ability of a Janet and John children's book editor. Editorial objectivity? What an utter joke.

The 'Cash for Lives' scandal...

Another day, another drug apparently completely off limits to those living in England, although freely available to the Scots. All due to the great northern bribe, the pay-off of shame, the billions of Barnett formula cash given to the Scottish nation in an attempt to stop the moaning and emasculate the nationalists.

Well it just ain’t right. People in England are dying in the ‘Cash for Lives’ scandal, courtesy of Gordon Brown’s ball-point pen and his Treasury cheque book. The Barnett formula - this appalling annual pay-off, little more than hush money, has more in common with ‘Dane Gelt’ the Anglo Saxon tax pay-off to the Vikings, than with a modern sophisticated market economy..

This pernicious little Brown envelope payment to a miserable and ungracious neighbour has just got to be stopped. The Celt Gelt is out of date by a thousand years. It’s time to bin it and treat all citizens of the UK with equal respect, because if we have to rely on this illicit payment to help preserve the union, then from this person’s perspective, it’s much too high a price to pay.

England BC…

Good God Almighty. The nightmare scenario of double the meddling from a no mandate leadership is looming like a big dour loomy thing over England. The BC option might actually happen.

It’s a truly depressing thought. The unthinkable might just become the possible; the barely credible could become reality. There, amongst the prawn cocktail dregs, stilton cheese crumbs and gravy stains, the terms of a Brown – Campbell power-sharing pow-wow has been scribbled on the back of a Lib Dem Harrogate Conference dinner napkin. Ming the power-mad opportunist reckons the dour Kirkcaldian might just need his help after the next General Election.

Ming thinks he and his party could be holding the balance of power aces in a hung Parliament – and has made it known that should new, New Labour Leader Brown be struggling to form a government, then he would be willing to throw his lot in with his Scottish conspirator.

It could happen I suppose. Brown is unpopular, miserable and uncommunicative – and thanks to Blair, Labour’s parliamentary majority will continue to whither, especially in England.

So the nightmare scenario could mean that the people of England will be ruled not by just one Scottish Leader with a Scottish constituency, but two. To be ruled by one Leader with no national mandate is a democratic outrage. To be ruled by two is like, having a laugh - but the joke is on us and it ain't funny.

But Ming’s complicity will come at a price. He’s proving he has got some scruples, even though they don’t work that well nowadays. He has set out 5 coalition tests that Brown must adopt in order to get the Lib Demmers on board. And do you know what? I’ll sort of bet my mortgage that not one of the 5 tests will include a commitment to give the people of England a national parliament. So let’s check –

1) End Labour's authoritarian attack on civil liberties. Identity cards will not stop terrorism, they won't stop illegal immigration, they won't stop fraud and they won't stop crime.
2) Grasp the challenge posed by climate change ...
3) Break open the poverty trap.
4) Trust the people.
5) Britain's foreign policy should not be set in Washington.

Hmmmm, can’t quite see the commitment to an English Parliament there, can you? I suppose the nearest to English empowerment is number 4, ‘Trust the people’ – (but not the people of England with democracy, obviously)

St George or no St George?….

OK, I’ll admit that now and again I watch the crappest quiz show on the box – Channel Four’s Deal or No Deal?….

On special days, they’ll do a bit of a theme, last month was a luvvy dovey big hearted edition to celebrate St Valentine’s Day. Heart graphics and kissy-kissy icons everywhere.

Today, being St David’s Day meant the 22 contestants all had daffodils sticking out of their lapels. The woman invited to take the deal or no deal journey was Welsh and the special prize for which the public phoned in to try and claim was increased accordingly to mark this special day.

Guess what? They’ll be doing a St Patrick’s Day special on March 17th as confirmed by the Channel 4 bloke who I rang straight after today’s show. "So if you’re doing a St Patrick’s Day celebration – and you’ve just done St David, are you doing a St George’s Day celebration on April 23rd ?… Will everyone have roses in their lapels and will Noel Edmonds be dressed as St George?"..

His answer came straight from the Deal or No Deal box of evasion…."Hmmmm, I’m not really too sure. I could suggest it to the producers if you like"

Oh goody! Another media company ignoring the national icon of the biggest country of the union – I ranted away. Quite a lot, actually. He was quiet – hopefully he was listening intently. More likely he had gone away to make a cup of tea or something…finally, I said "So what are you going to do about it?"….

He said he would put my comment in the comments log.
Whoopy do.

I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone.
I wasn’t allowed to ask that someone ring me.
I wasn’t allowed to ask diddley squat…..

Maybe you’ll have better luck? You can phone Channel 4 viewer enquiries support on 0845 076 0191. Or you can email them from here

Respect to the Westminster massive…..

Africa? That can wait….

Global Warming? On the back burner…

Cash for Honours? In the back pocket ….

Constitutional reform? Talk to the hand before I put a cap in yo’ ass….

For today, the Westminster massive wuzz out on the streets getting down and dirty with the kids on sink estates, you kay, innit. ‘Gun culture’ was the buzz, news crooze, pr pimps, cardboard cut-out party honchos invadin’ any commooni-ee centa they could eyeball was the reality, wannit.

‘Funk Master Tone’ was in the North West, pressing the flesh, groovin the moovin and respectin the turf. The Funksta went into a one to one with a young white Turk, a young black dude, a couple of commooni-ee leedazz and the Chief Plod from the Manchestarr Constaboolaree…. As per usual, Tone’s croo made sure all commooni’ee profile meet ‘n’ greet boxes had been ticked.

‘Call me Dude Dave’, dressed in a cool 2 piece street-cred pinstripe single breaster and over-easy patent leather basketball sneakers was mixing it up with a few rappers. Hoody met Hooray Henry as Dave heard how mean the streets were, how hard the life was and how expensive real street cred sneakers were….

The ‘Mingin Old Dog’ from the Libbin Croo wuzz in a gym somewhere on the wrong side of the tracks. All around him, the brothers were workin out. The Mingsta looked flusta’d – a PR pimp wuzz eyeballin a photo opportooni-ee with a bench press, several hundred pounds of weights and a pair of borrowed tracky bottoms…. The Ming was outta there soona than you could say ‘Pass the smelling salts"…

And so they left. Gun crime got the chin-rubbing, concerned furrow-foreheaded ‘I feel your pain’ treatment from the three great frauds from the Westminster cabal. Back they went, digital piccies in the bag, press releases written up and posted to friendly media moguls. Job done!….. And so ends another day of blather and lather from Tone, Dave and Ming – and what will tomorrow bring? Who knows? The PR pimps haven’t had their morning meetings yet…

Magna Carta – a right good read…..

I watched Melvyn Bragg’s ’12 books that changed the world’ programme yesterday. That ace medieval paperback, ‘The Magna Carta’ by John Plantagenet (ghost written by Baron Robert Fitzwalter) was being featured. Melvyn, resplendent in white fluffy gloves, reverentially fingered a signed copy of the great tome at Salisbury Cathedral.

Quiff-boy Bragg, rightly enthused about what a great piece of work this was – The Magna Carta, the very first document ever to enshrine the basic rights of the individual in law. Imagine that. The very first ever, ever, ever – and as Bragg correctly informed us, it was an English achievement. Not British, or European, but English…..

This great document of England, for so long buried by our Brit-centred conniving establishment into a distant memory of inconsequential waste paper is the pivotal moment of documented freedom. Countries all over the world have used it as a basis for their own bill of rights…. Including the United Nations human rights charter….

But what I didn’t know was that the 5th amendment of the U.S. Declaration of Independence was taken virtually line for line verbatim from Magna Carta….

It’s just amazing isn’t it? In any other country, the Magna Carta, this defining episode in human history would be celebrated and enshrined in the consciousness of its people. Magna Carta Day, swearing on the Magna Carta, Order of the Magna Carta – but not here, not in the UK – and especially not in England. If it is mentioned at all, it is spuriously and ignorantly absorbed into a British identity.

I asked my kids – all 4 of them have gone through the state education system, None of them were taught anything about Magna Carta, 2 of them have never even heard of it…..

The tragedy is, I wasn’t at all surprised at their replies…..

Anglo Saxon King Albert found in Geordieland….

Today, English Heritage are unveiling some newly found claimants to the Anglo Saxon throne of England. One is 70 year old Albert Turnbull from Gateshead – and who knows, if Harold Godwinson had won the Battle of Hastings, we might now be bending our knees to King Albert and family – rather than a Hanovarian…

It’s a great ‘what if’ isn’t it? Who knows, there could be Anglo Saxon blue bloods all over the place working in B&Q, Tesco and the bloke who works down the chip shop might not be just Elvis, he could be Prince Elvis of Wessex and all England…I asked Alfreda if she thought I had any royal Anglo Saxon blood coursing through my veins….

She didn’t think so, although she reckoned I looked a bit like Henry VIII in his really fat-arsed arsey period…

She’d better be careful, if I ever do get to become King, she’ll be the first into the Tower….

Pope Tony Blair the Innocent meets a babe…..

(or Cowboy meets Indian)....
Yesterday, after Prime Minister’s Question Time, the immaculate omnipotence that is Tony Blair had a one-to-one with Indian cultural attaché, celeb big brother winner and Bollywood superstar, Shilpa Shetty at the mother of parliaments.

Shilpa approached on bended knee, kissed the Papal ring and was granted a 15-minute slot of awesomeness with the great one……

And when you think about it, how amazing is it that she got to see him at all? Tony’s so damn busy isn’t he? Tony just doesn’t have any time to see anyone at any time – ever. He’s too busy saving the world, saving the country, saving his miserable party, saving his miserable skin….

After all, Reg Keys and the rest of the relatives of the British Service dead in Iraq have, for the past 3 years been vainly trying to meet up with him without any success whatsoever. They’d like to talk to him about how their loved ones had paid the ultimate price for Tony’s brave words by donating their lives to a flawed cause.

Also, the relatives of wounded British Service personnel have been vainly trying to get him to visit a service hospital to talk to soldiers wounded in Iraq - without any success whatsoever. They have paid for Tony’s brave words with the donation of the odd limb, brain injury or half gallon of blood for a flawed cause.

Tony’s just too busy to see you guys – OK!

Reg Keys, if I were you, I’d apply to go on the next edition of celeb big brother (Oh, and be sure to mention that Jade Goody doesn’t like you)….

Shock, horror, Scots MPs found twiddling thumbs!

According to this report from The Scotsman, Scottish MPs are a bit short of work nowadays. Well, it’s hardly a surprise, no one in Scotland bothers to ask them about education, health, transport and planning issues anymore… And you can only rearrange your files, straighten your pencil case and fill in your bloated travel expense forms so many times can’t you?

All the work they used to do for their constituents is now gate-keepered by the MSPs and the Scottish Executive. Their only function at Westminster seems to be shoving their nosey boats into English education, health, transport and planning business…..

It is clear that Scottish MPs don’t have enough to do. Maybe they should do a bit of moonlighting, some mini-cabbing maybe….. or selling the odd insurance policy….. or double glazing…… or, I don't know, maybe, possibly, they could stand for election as an MSP at Holyrood in their own country?

Welcome to Advertisybowl XLI…

Good grief, what the bloody hell do the Yanks see in American Football? I stayed up until 2 in the morning last night to watch as much as I could of the Superbowl – beaming live, straight into my front room from Florida, the sunshine state….….

It absolutely pissed down all through the game. Goddam stair rods, cats and dogs mingled freely with horse liniment, testosterone and cocaine dust. Consequently, the ball (or Goddam bar of Goddam soap as the locals call it) was just impossible to control. I couldn’t make up my mind if I was watching a 5 hour programme of adverts, occasionally interrupted by a shot of a steroid-stuffed line-backer dropping the Goddam ball – or the other way round.

It was all very confusing, the rules seemed to be made up as they went along….. I haven’t a clue who won, but I suspect the advertising space sellers were having a bit of a whoopy-do somewhere on the Strip….….

The pre match entertainment was a bit weird. Some ex-player was being interviewed saying the Superbowl was the biggest Goddam sporting occasion on Earth. (Has he never heard of the World Cup – or even the European Champion’s League Final, or even the FA Cup Final, or even the Beezer Homes Division 2 Knockout Challenge Trophy?)

Billy Joel sang the Star Spangled Banner (music composed by an Englishman incidentally). There, in the rain, the 500 players and 800 baseball capped coaches that made this spectacle what it is suffered collective bottom lip wobble. Those big, big beefy men, comedically bound from head to toe in spandex and metal were united by rivers of tears. The camera panned out to the crowd, they too were crying for America. What with the rain and the tears and the rain and more rain, were we looking at a flood risk?

I gazed on, breathing heavily, coughing, gulping. But I couldn’t stop twin trickles, then floods of salty water meandering down my cynical cheeks.

Yes, Billy Joel really was that crap......

A Scotsman in Englishman’s clothing….

I love Thursdays….. It’s a sort of triple whammy of politics shows, 12 noon is the Daily Politics, 10:35 pm is BBC QuestionTime and following that at 11:35 pm, is This Week.

The style of each is completely different. The Daily Politics is quick fire up and at ‘em, QuestionTime is mostly a process of evasion - and This Week is a reflective round up of recent events.

By far the most incisive is The Daily Politics. It works so well because the guy at the helm knows a hell of a lot more than the politicians he interviews. Andrew Neil has a knowledge without parallel in the British political orbit. If there was ever anyone in media Britain with the political brain of a planet then Paxman may think he’s got it, but he hasn’t - Andrew Neil has.

Last Thursday was a case in point. Pious St Harriet of Harman was on the box talking about how very important it was to teach Britishness and British values in all of our schools. She spoke very, very slowly. Gravitas was oozing from every pore…. Harriet was Harmonic. She had her serious statespersons boat on all right, no messing. – Apparently, if our kids didn’t all embrace Britishness, then the Greenland ice cap would shrink so fast it wouldn’t even cool a large gee and tee. …. It was Neville Chamberlain all over again – but this time wearing a flowery twin set… Germany had invaded Poland because too much Teutoniciness was being taught in Berlin’s secondary mods…. And if we weren’t careful the same thing could happen here.

Did I hear a Hallelujah, was God sending down an ‘Amen to that, Sister’? St Harriet fluttered her big fat eyelids and waited for a congratulatory back slap from Andrew Neil. ….

She didn’t get one. Neil went into ‘attack mode’

He stalked….
First of all he picked her up on the fact that she was fraudulently claiming that ‘Britishness’ was to be taught in all of Britain’s schools. It took a couple of incisive jabs with his truth stick – but in the end she caved in and admitted Britishness was an English only thing.

"So, Britishness is only going to be taught in English schools then?"

Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause…

"Yes, but I’ve no doubt in Scotland and Wales they’ll be teaching something simil"…….

He pounced…..
Well I happen to know that in Scotland they have absolutely no plans to introduce classes on Britishness, not now, not for the next 5 years….

The halo on St Harriet’s head, placed there by no less than Pope Tony the Innocent, wobbled..

By the way, what are British values?..

Cue diatribe of values – ‘Fair play, Tolerance, Democracy, Yawn, Tony Blair’s pointy finger, Fish ‘n’ Chips, The Queen Mum, Ena bloody Sharples, Bobby Charlton's comb-over…..…

Well they’re not special to Britain are they? What about America or Germany or Italy? France for instance, it’s ingrained into their constitution ‘Liberty, Equality, Fraternity’…… So British values are the same as everyone else’s…Right?

St Harriet looked worried, uncomfortable and twitchy - was Old Nick himself sitting on her shoulder?…

Not exactly. It was much worse than that, Old Neil had her by the jugular and wasn’t letting go.

"Can I put it to you that the only reason for doing this is to try and head off the rising tide of English Nationalism? Can I put it to you that this is entirely of New Labour’s making due to the fact that the English have been left out of the devolution debate?

St Harriet was squirming. Either she wanted the bog like right away – or Andrew Neil’s truth stick was sticking somewhere where the Sun don’t shine.

St Harriet didn’t believe it was the case… "I don’t believe it is the case" she said.

He ripped her head off, dribbled with it, did a bit of keepy-uppy and smashed it into an open goal.

"So you don’t believe it’s the case? Ms Harman, let me tell you, (jabby finger) we get more correspondence on the issue of West Lothian and the dissatisfaction of the English due to your government’s policies on devolution than anything else. We get piles of emails whenever we raise the issue. The people of England are very angry about it"…

St Harriet didn’t believe it. "I don’t believe it" she said.

"We’ll see what our viewers have to say" said Neil…

They went onto another item somewhere on location, then came back to the studio - and Andrew Neil with a pile of emails in front of him.

"Well, I told you our viewers would have something to say about it Harriet…. We haven’t got time to read any of them out because we’re about to go off air – so you can take them with you"…….

With that he plonked them in front of her.

St Harriet gazed down at the piles of paper run outs. She looked like she’d just been shown some triple x despicable pictures of debauchery from the bowels of hell – or maybe someone farted because she looked utterly disgusted…

Amen for knowledgeable and truthful Scotsmen.

Rhodri Morgan and his big-mouth organ

Morgan.R, juvenile head boy and school bully of the Welsh Assembly Academy is cock-a-hoop today. The frazzle haired whinger has finally got something to crow about – and he’s not felt this happy since he found out Ron Davies liked doing a bit of badger flanging on Clapham Common…

Morgan, owner of the meanest spirit and crappest hairstyle in Wales reckons his ‘bragging rights boat’ has finally come in.

Apparently, he thinks the English are ‘jealous’ of the Welsh because they’ve got free prescriptions coming in on April 1st.and we haven’t…. So hooray for the Welsh eh, Rhodri? But I’ve got news for you Morgan. We’re not ‘jealous’ – we’re pissed-off-furious. You and your Assembly of dullards better start marking time – the guys across the Severn are stirring.

"We have never actually managed to make the English jealous before... but we have done it," gushed Rhodri.

He cited a page one story in Friday's Daily Express claiming there was growing anger over Britain's "two-tier health service".

And that’s where the celebrations should stop, don’t you think, Rhodri? What with you being a socialist, surely you believe in everyone getting the same treatment…… unless of course you come from England….. the land of the cash cow.

Well Rodders you bitter old bigot, laugh while you can, your crowing simply plays into our hands. To coin a phrase, ‘the English are coming’ – and we’re not happy. Get those free prescriptions while you and your countrymen can. The English gravy train is about to hit the buffers – English cash will soon start to be spent on the English, and not on bitter old baggy-trousered bad-hair-dayed Welsh has-beens.

David Davis sells the dummy (and a nation)......

Shadow Home Secretary, David Davis said something a bit weird on Thursday night’s BBC’s QuestionTime. When challenged by David ‘Dullsville’ Dimbleby that at one stage, a few years ago, he’d been fully committed to a Parliament for England - Davis said he had only done it to publicise the ‘cause’.

He expanded by saying the only reason he supported an English Parliament in the first place was to raise the issue to a wider public. He apparently didn’t actually believe that an English Parliament was necessary or desirable – he merely called for it so the ‘better’ solution of EvoEL would be adopted by the Tories.

I’ve heard some tall stories by politicians over the years, but for God’s sake, do they think we are that thick?

They obviously do.

Diane Abbott, Little England hater apparently…

I’ll be honest, I really, really do not like Diane Abbott, Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington. If there is one thing that really winds me up is the way supposedly firebrand politicians manage not to let their Soviet radicalism seep into their own domestic environs. And Diane Abbott is in the Premier League when it comes to the ‘don’t do as I do, do as I say’ brigade. I mean, super radicalism is OK for the masses, but for Ms Abbott and her public school attending kid? Nah, not bloody likely mate!

I remember when the Press found out about her kid attending a fee-paying school. Unforgivably, she cited a kind of institutionalised racism within the state school sector as the excuse to whip her kid out and place him with the Cuthberts, Algenons and Clarences of this world. Why did she do that – why not be honest and just say. "I want my kid to go to public school because I’m a selfish money grabbing fraud parading as a firebrand left wing politician who doesn’t believe anything I preach when it comes to my family. Just like Ruth Kelly, Charlie Falconer and Tony Blair"…

I always watch This Week on a Thursday night. Host Andrew Neil is brilliant, regular punters, Michael Portillo is objective and intelligent – and Diane Abbott? Mostly out of her depth. Her coping strategy for being amongst brains as sharp as steel traps is to jibe, snide and belittle both discussions and invited guests. If she doesn’t agree or disagree – she rubbishes, that’s what she does. And she does it all the time.

Last night she had a go at me – and most probably you (if you believe in a parliament for England). The question of the Union came up - Michael Portillo believes the current constitutional set up of the UK is unsustainable, Abbott condemned him as a ‘Little Englander’ from the Little England Party. When Neil asked her what she would do about it, she ignored his question, preferring to accuse the Tories of whipping up ‘Little England’ tendencies from the shires of middle England. She couldn’t see a problem when Brown takes over as PM and starts to dictate to the people of England.

Portillo tried to spell it out, what the West Lothian question meant, how unfair it was, how people in England were getting seriously fed up with it. Andrew Neil told her that the biggest issue and the biggest emailed response he gets on his ‘Daily Politics’ programme is always about asymmetric devolution and the West Lothian question. Michael Portillo nodded in agreement, Diane Abbott played the ‘Little England’ card.. "That’s just the Little Englanders complaining" she said as she tried to condemn us all to a democratic voidyness. She reckoned that once Gordon got his feet under the table everything would be OK.

Ms Abbott, this 6’ 3" twenty stoner is not happy at such dreadfully negative psycho babble – nor is he a Little Englander for that matter…

Oooops, Duggie Alexander talks rubbish....

You have to laugh don't you? Headless Labour power freaks running around trying to put out fires of constitutional frustration both north and south of the border.....

Panicking, frothing at the mouth, purple in the face, shooting from the hip, they're bound to utter some right old bollocks aren't they? They'd have to go many a mile to beat this one though as reported on the BBC News story about the state of the union from up and coming Duggie, the enfant ordinaire of the Nu Labour administration....

But Transport Secretary Douglas Alexander, who is running Labour's campaign for the Scottish election, said: "The great outcome of devolution is it allows people to demonstrate their identity within the United Kingdom and, at the same time, not break up the United Kingdom."

Breathtaking, just breathtaking.....

Gordon Brown wants to share out the values but not the cash or the power….

Amazing isn’t it. Brown unleashes pro British volto-glottal in a pathetic effort to keep him on course to be Prime Minister of something rather than nothing. Was he talking to me? Was he telling me to ‘hug a Scotsman’, eat more haggis and salute the Union flag?

Not exactly.

But ‘Great Brit’ Gordon wants us all to pull together – as he put it, he wants us to "share in the values of being British".

Hmmm, "share in the values"…..

I know politicians do ineptitude, arrogance and the occassional rent boy, but ‘irony’? Who’d have thought it.

Gordon, mate, it’s a pity your 'values' don't appear to include an equal share of the Union cash from your Exchequer – or the devolved power As per usual, it's the English who are left with the least in health, education and transport spending. As per usual, it's English elderly who are forced to sell their homes to finance their residential care. As per usual, it's English students who pay the top up fees. As per usual, train loads of Barnett formula cash heads north to Scotland to finance a lavish public sector, fantastic residential care and lots of expensive cancer drugs, the like of which English patients can only dream about. Even Scottish schoolkids get almost twice as much spent on their school meals than their English counterparts. As per usual,England is left democratically emasculated while everyone else plays at being proud and noble nations.

The fissuring of the UK is entirely a New Labour project. The great uneven devolution experiment with added 'England not included' clause was always bound to fail. The irony is, the push for real constitutional change is now coming from a disgruntled and disenfranchised English population rather than those from north of the border. The call in England is not for English votes on English matters – we’ve gone way beyond that. Now the call is for an English Parliament - and if this shower at Westminster really believed in democracy we'd have had one at the outset - in 1998 when Scotland got theirs.

If Gordon Brown really believed in 'shared values' he'd stop sending obscene amounts of Celtgeld to Edinburgh as some sort of election bribe. If he really believed in Britain he'd make sure we were all treated with the same respect. We are not. It is New Labour who have sown the seeds of discourse, it is New Labour who will reap the crop of British disintegration. And as for Tony Blair and his great legacy?.......

How about destroyer of the Union?

And now you’re famous, Lorna McAllister from Glasgow….

In this story on the BBC Website about the chronic lack of care currently given to the elderly in England, the BBC asked punters - why many elderly and disabled people who need help to remain in their own homes are no longer qualifying for help from their councils.
Increasing demands on social services and less money to go round have led councils in England to restrict access to services such as home care, day services and respite care.
The Commission for Social Care Inspection today warned this was happening by default, and without debate.
Have you or a relative been told by your council you don't qualify for support to live at home? Do you have to rely on family or friends to help you? Are you are carer filling in the gaps?

Well people did write in, mostly from hard-done-by England….. But, the next to last entry came from Lorna McAllister, Glasgow…. Enlightened Lorna says it’s all our fault. Apparently, us English people waste our money on trivialities – rather than spending it on our elderly and vunerable.

Without a hint of irony, Lorna from Glasgow says –
How English! Look to your neighbours. We use our taxes more wisely. Scotland provides free personal care for its elderly. England simply has to do the same…….

I think she’s left the ‘y’ off the beginning of ‘our’, don’t you?

Lorna’s was the next to last entry – I was going to broadside her, but guess what, the BBC has closed the discussion forum…. Well there’s a surprise.

Old Alfie’s Almanac Predictions for 2007……..

A bit late I know – but hey, I’m old.

Old Alfie has been rubbing hard on his glass orb, carefully sifting through sheep offal and sniffing assorted animal droppings to give you his cutting edge predictions for the coming year….

Old Alfie predicts –

February 20th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £12 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the bricks and chippies tea bag supply in the original estimate.

March 2nd
Patricia Hewitt rolls out her ‘Dock Leaf’ strategy to the English public. "Dock Leaves are really powerful medicine. They are superb for all kinds of ills – and if that fails, the NHS still has some vinegar and brown paper stocks available on a first come first served basis. she said.

May 13th
Liverpool beat Charlton Athletic 4-0 to push Manchester United into second place and win the Premiership title.

May 14th
Old Alfie collects 2 grand from the bookies after putting a 20 quid bet on Liverpool to win at 100 to 1 in early January.
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May 15th
Tony Blair leaves office in early summer. He’s dragged from the controls of power kicking and screaming "But my people, they love me! How will they cope without me?"

May 16th
Gordon Brown’s first parliamentary Question time goes off script. The mask of Englishness slips as he threatens Cameron with a Glasgow kiss – and calls him ‘Jimmy’

June 1st
Tony Blair declares he’s the world’s greatest diplomat. "The world needs me coz I’m Tony Blair and I’m bloody brilliant" he says.

June 4th
Tony Blair sets up ‘Diplomatix Inc’ – slogan ‘I’m Tony Blair from Diplomatix - I think you’ve got a problem and I’m the nosy bastard who can fix it’ He sets up offices in all the major trouble spots of the world – Barbados, Monte Carlo, St Moritz, Surfers Paradise in Australia, The Hamptons (NY), Dubai and Aspen Colorado…..

June 28th
In his new and very important role as world statesman, Tony Blair embarks on a whistle stop tour of important people around the world. His first point of call is The Vatican where he is seen waving to the ecstatic Roman crowd and shaking the Pope’s hand on the Papal balcony. Alastair Campbell is in the crowd and asks a passing Cardinal – "Hey you in the dress and the funny hat, who the hell is that up there on the balcony with Tony Blair?"

July 6th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £16 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the cement, the post-it notes and the HB pencils consignment in the original estimate.

August 12th
The England cricket team win the deciding match to take the inaugural Test series against Luxembourg 3 – 2. Skipper ‘Freddie’ Flintoff says "It was tough, but England are back" and thanked the Luxembourgers for an exciting contest. "In all truth, we murdered them, men against boys" he added. 12 year old Vice Captain and part time wicket keeper Geraint Jones agrees.……

August 13th
Cricket mad Premier, Gordon Brown declares a public holiday and a tour through the City to celebrate the great win. A tired and emotional Freddie Flintoff pukes up all over Geraint Jones and states that he couldn’t remember eating the diminutive Welshman.

An ecstatic Gordon Brown, resplendent in his St George’s plastic hat proclaimed "It’s a great day to be English. I’ve not seen scenes like this since Paul Gasgoine scored that great hundred against the Scots"…

September 15th
The Royal Navy takes delivery of its latest cutting edge addition to our naval might – a converted car ferry from the mothballed Townsend Thoresen fleet. Des Browne, Secretary of State for Defence declares that once again Britain ruled the waves – and thanks to his clear blue-sky thinking and the fact that his defence study group had ‘waved the rules’, our naval strength had increased by a third. "The Tank transporter will not be repainted. The boffins at the defence committee have invented rust coloured camouflage – and naturally we are the world leaders in this technology" he explained. "HMS Tank will join HMS Victory and the remade bits of the Mary Rose in offering a creditable maritime deterrent to our enemies" he said.

October 12th
Former Premier, Tony Blair is caught rummaging through Gordon Brown’s wheely bin. When questioned by the Old Bill, Blair declares he is suffering from ‘Nosy Bastard Syndrome’. "I’ve been to N.A. (Nosies Anonymous) several times. We all sit in a circle and introduce ourselves – ‘Hi, I’m Tony and I’m a nosy bastard, got any gossip?"

November 23rd
A special committee set up by Premier Gordon Brown in the summer reports to an expectant country. Apparently, the English don’t want an English parliament after all - and are happy that their affairs continue to be looked after by Londoner and patriot, Gordon Brown.

December 29th
Tessa Jowell says the bill for the 2012 Olympics has been previously miscalculated. "The projected spend is now up to £22 billion". When pressed she admitted they had forgotten to include the £6 billion management consultancy fees and bullshit quotient in the original estimate.




.

One of Tony's babes send me a season's greetings card...

Hope everyone had a good Christmas - I did (apart from drowning in snot, having the odd family row and finding an amazingly cheap source of strong real ales - only to discover the shop was closed for the duration when I went to collect my bumper order on Christmas Eve).......

Just before Christmas, I received a jolly card from my local MP, Ms Rosie 'Doormat' Cooper. The card wished me Seasonal Greetings and a Happy New Year. I was a bit disappointed there was no 'Merry Christmas' message on it - but hey, in these days of political correctness it was possibly wise she didn't include it, fearful of insulting or upsetting other recipients with such 'super-offensive' language. On the inside was another non Christmas message - 'Seasons greetings from your Labour team'. The card was also liberally sprinkled with Labour logos.

I was a bit surprised. With the Labour Party currently in debt to the tune of £23 million, I wonder who exactly has paid for the production and printing of the card. I've asked around and it is clear that this has been sent to every household in the constituency. Who knows, maybe similar cards have been rolled out right across the country?

How do the Labour Party do it? Any other organisation would be declared insolvent, bankrupt, dead in the water - but at Party HQ, it's obviously carrying on spending money they don't have regardless - or is it? I've sent a letter to my representative of freedom demanding an explanation as to exactly how this tacky card has been paid for, bearing in mind the Labour Party are a totally skint organisation.......

David Lammy, where’s the beef?

Today I received an envelope through the post. It was from my junior guardian of national identity at the department of culture and sport, David Lammy. I opened it and looked in vain for the ‘Happy Winterval from Britishland, love Dave L . XXX’ card - but it wasn't there.

Instead there was a letter concerning Daniel Kawczynski’s EDM supporting the cause for Jerusalem to be installed as the national anthem of England. I’d sent a short note about it to Mrs Comatose, my local MP (motto, a clean desk means bugger all to do) – true to form, she simply forwarded it into the culture spiel machine.

I’m sure this reply is via the stock bullshit software beloved of government departments – But maybe there was a glitch in the system because I haven’t a bleeding snoop doggy dog what the hell he is talking about.

’As you may know, it is the tune which constitutes the authorised part of the National Anthem in the United Kingdom and not the words. The latter are traditional and the choice of words and verses to be used on any particular occasion is one for those concerned. Whilst the National Anthem is the anthem for the whole of the United Kingdom, the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment.

Mr OK’s comments have been carefully noted, but there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’.

So what’s he saying? Are they thinking of changing the words? Was ‘Flower of Scotland’ presented to the Queen as a new anthem for the Scots? Is everyone in the UK allowed their own anthem apart from the English? Why do the two statements ‘the constituent parts of the United Kingdom may quite properly have national songs for which they have a particular attachment’ jar so much with ’there are no plans to recommend to the Queen that any change be made’…. Does Dave think that Scotland and Wales can just do willy nilly national anthems - but England cannot?

I intend to get back to Lammy to clarify this rubbish letter. I don’t hold my breath for a logical response..

Mr Blair, Mr Blair, have you been caught bang to rights?

"YES"

T’was Christmas Day in the…..

My diligent sister Jennifer has been ferreting away in the dark recesses of our family tree and come up with a few surprises.

This week, she’s found out that my great, great Grandmother, Elizabeth Montgomery, came to a tragic and typically Victorian end at the tender age of 29 years. She died in the Liverpool Workhouse of Typhus. (The workhouse was situated right under the newish Catholic Cathedral, known locally as 'Paddy's Wigwam')

The shock wasn’t that she died in the workhouse – but that it happened so comparatively recently….

Bob Piper

I’ve blogged with Bob for years. We swapped links virtually in the first week of his blog life. I met him through mutual blogging acquaintances like ‘Occupied Country’, ‘Johnny Billericay’ and ‘Our man in Hanoi’… Back then he was quite witty – and I enjoyed his one eyed old Labour cynicism – and his distaste for Tony Blair and the Nu Labour circus of hogwash and hyperbole.

I must admit though that over the last couple of years he’s changed. He’s got angrier, more spiteful and erratic…. And after looking at his blog – especially over the last few days, I wonder where he has misplaced his plot – for he has surely lost it.

Bob – what the hell were you thinking of?

Ruth Kelly - all woman?

God, what a yawn BBC’s Questiontime is. The banality of the Q&As, David (not as good as his Dad) Dimbleby’s crap refereeing, the standard off-pat replies of the politicians and the Tourette-like garglings of Martin (not as good as his Dad either) Amis combined to produce another show to forget….. except for one thing…. Something stood out.

Ruth Kelly, Minister for Communities was on the panel. Amazingly, she didn’t look like the back of a bus or a bag lady after a night on the gin…. She’d had a sort of ‘makeover’… New hair do, new make-up regime, posh twin set straight out of Maggie’s wardrobe - ….. but there was something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that made her look different….

And then it hit me. I suddenly realised why last night Ruth Kelly finally looked almost womanlike, she’s shaved her beard off.

Nu Labour and ‘Planning’ - the latest spin story…

Today it’s all about ‘Planning’. The UK Government is rolling out a whole new book of rules for the planners. Apparently, so the spin goes, (and as enthusiastically reported by the BBC) England is awash with objections to planning applications for conservatories, outside bog conversions and kitchen extensions - so much so that something just has to be done!

Our far-sighted Government, ever anxious to improve the lot of your average English person has decided that this prevarication simply must stop. ‘Planning’ has just got to be made easier. In future they’ll be leaning on the lean-to fascist, kicking the conservatory nimby in the nuts and saying "YES" to that all important roof conversion for young Sharon and her expected little bundle of joy.

The killjoys, – uber upvc troublemakers most of them, will not in future be able to object on the grounds of ‘taste’, and ‘bringing the rest of the neighbourhood down’… From now on, planning permission objectors will be given the red card….

So, as well as Sharon’s roof conversion, Bob and Mary’s spanking new citadel of conservatory living and little Johnny’s new bedroom over the garage - those nimby nazis won’t be able to object to the friendly new nuclear power station being built at the end of the road. Which is a bit of a pity as it has somewhat ruined Bob and Mary’s south facing panoramic window facility.

Sharon can whistle Dixie if she thinks she can stop the 500 tonnes of slightly warm nuclear sludge being buried underneath her newly converted little bit of heaven in the roof space. And little Johnny? Well if he wants to have a play in a field, best get his Mum to take him by car – through the brand new 250,000 house development that has just sprung up outside his bedroom window….

Note:The new relaxation of the Planning laws will only affect England, obviously. The reason being that both Scotland and Wales have said that they will not be taking any nuclear waste to bury, or indeed building any nuclear power stations.

They have however said they would both like to have some cheap nuclear energy when the new stations are built in England.

Their planning laws are there to preserve the integrity of their respective countries. Ours are to be amended to enable Nu Labour to further advance ‘Operation English Shithole’……

Amazing Stories…..

Just one of these fantastic stories is true, but which one is it?

Jose Mourino says he’s not that special after all…

George W Bush admits "Iraq – it was all my fault - and I am in fact an utter berk"…

Fear that Tony Blair is a victim of manipulation. Mi5 discover string coming from elbows, knees, nose, feet - and mouth…

Gordon Brown changes name to ‘John Bull’….

Mischievous Goblins discovered putting the hex on new Wembley… Chief Goblin captured "We also did for the Dome as well" he said….

MPs press for 66% pay increase because they say "they’re worth it"….

Go on, be amazed, PRESS HERE to find out which is the true story...

Kate Muir joins the AA Gill club of bitchy anti Englishness

Well that’s a shock. Yet another Scottish writer living and working in England decides to slag off the natives with a barrage of sneering invective. This time it’s Times columnist, Kate Muir’s turn to indulge herself in the black art of England bashing, (along with some familiars down at the local hairdressers).

No longer content to pass the hair-drying time discussing the weather, boring sex life or latest episode of Corry, the word apparently down at Muir’s salon is how crap the English are.

"As a Briton living in London, I know the picture is weirder and darker than this. New stereotypes are emerging from the maw of England, and many of them are ugly. You need only ask your hairdresser. Mine is a well-read, well-travelled Spaniard who has lived here for ten years; her sidekick, holding the foils as we put tiger stripes in my hair, is Italian, and has been here for four years.

"What do you think about first when you think of the English?" They laugh, cagily. "I’m Scottish," I say. "You can trust me."

"Bling," says the Italian. "Particularly among the 15-25s. All that fake blonde hair and too-big, too-much jewellery. I mean, in Italy we wear gold, but not like that…"

"Drinking," says the Spaniard. "Being so drunk you can’t speak every time you go out; the lack of calm, civilised drinking." Her face contorted in horror: "Alcopops!"

"Incompetence," they both agree, as proved by the subjects of our reality TV shows. "In Spain, we know how to eat well, how to garden, how to look after our children. We don’t need the government sending us supernannies or Gillian McKeith looking at our shit. As for not knowing how to clean your house…" There’s a derisory snort. "The food’s not as bad as it was, though. At least you can get a good Indian or a gastropub in London." So that’s half a point in Britain’s favour. "But why is everyone so fat?"

So there you go – the current English national stereotype is a dna stuffed with blinging drinking incompetence wrapped around a suit of lard.….

What I don’t understand is if the English are so cruddy why would these three coiffures of opinion: a Scot, a Spaniard and an Italian bother to stay here? Why don’t they sod off home? But they won’t will they? They’ll stay here, hating us sneering at us, poncing off us, screwing us and abusing us. Maybe Muir is trying to escape her national dish of deep fried Mars Bars and a pint of heavy. Maybe the hairdressers are masochists…. Maybe they don’t do hairdos in Spain and Italy?…

One thing’s for certain, Ms Muir has joined uber Scottish jerk, AA Gill on the list of small minded Scottish tosspots who like to diss our country. Her article is lazy, cheap, ignorant and stereotypically formulaic. My suggestion for next week’s piece by Ms Muir is an in-depth study on the cuisine of the Scots… deep fried Mars Bars and Bridies included.

And Ms Muir, next time when you're at the hairdressers, I just hope you don't meet my Missus getting her fringe trimmed...... She has some very derogatory opinions on gobby Scots.... for some reason she has a problem with sneering hacks slagging an entire nation off.

The Archers – an everyday tale of English folk getting screwed…

I’ve listened to The Archers on Radio 4 since I was an art student in the early seventies. Over that time, the story lines have somewhat changed, thanks mainly to the show’s Editor, metro-liberal Guardianista, Vanessa Whitburn.

Doris, Dan, Tom Forrest and Walter Gabriel have all snuffed it - new characters have stepped into their soiled green wellies. Fallon, Usha, Jazza and Jason now trail the blaze of English modern rural life. The health of the sprout crop and the presence of dropsy in the dairy herd has given way all the other things that are supposed to happen in a tiny middle English village. Suddenly the talk down at The Bull is all about drugs busts, racism, blackmail, gay marriage, gambling addiction, bent coppers, murder, armed robbery, suicide…. and most controversially of all, the ongoing marriage break up of David and Ruth Archer, due to some potential extra marital rumpy pumpy with Sam, the cattle man.

Whitburn is a well known Nu Labour luvee. At absolutely every opportunity she likes to shoehorn imagined inner city trauma and Notting Hill meanderings into leafy Borsetshire.

But I wonder if she will be covering the reality of English pensioner Jack Wooley? The retired local businessman and former owner of Grey Gables has recently been struck down with Alzheimer’s. He’s been losing his mental faculties – but fortunately, he has the NHS to make sure he’ll get the drugs he so badly needs. Well not any more. Not now that NICE has decided to withdraw a whole range of Alzheimer’s drugs from English only patients – because of the uber high cost of £2:50p per patient per day. …..

Will Ms Whitburn run the storyline that Jack’s condition is getting worse because of the actions of a small minded, anti English quango? Will Ms Whitburn get Jack’s 85 year old wife, Peggy to stand on the village green armed with a big megaphone to slag off NICE, Blair & Patricia Hewitt – and demand an English Parliament to look after the needs of English people?…

That’s the trouble with soap plots – the storylines are so bloody unbelievable….

Barmy but brilliant….

Just finished watching the inevitable conclusion of the first Ashes Test at The Gabba cricket ground in Brisbane. After the euphoric glitch of the 2005 Summer series victory, today’s result reverted to type…. Australia won by a mile, England were crap – and the Barmy Army were bloody fantastic.

All through the morning session of the 5th day, as the tail-end-Charlie English wickets were being knocked over with monotonous regularity, the Barmy Army were in superb voice. Thousands of English people dressed head to toe in red and white never let up singing and dancing – and generally showed the Aussie public exactly what supporting a team really means. Pathetic responses from the locals were met with a united chorus of "Who are ya, who are ya?"…

Add to that the fantastic support the national footy and rugby teams get anywhere in the world and I sometimes wonder why our teams always seem to blow it…

Treehuggers sort of agree with the concept of an English Parliament….

Every now and again, I like to bang off an email to one of the Parties in an attempt to get an answer to the imponderable question….

Today, it’s the turn of the Green Party….

I SAID.............................

Hello,
I've had a quick scan over your policy document and cannot find anything about Devolved Government in it. Do you have any thoughts on a Parliament for England - along the lines of the Scottish model?

And talking about Scotland, I understand that the Scottish Greens are in favour of an independent Scotland - does that mean that the English Greens are in favour of an independent England?

Regards,

Alfie the OK
Englishman and therefore democratically disenfranchised.
Lancashire,
England.

THEY REPLIED ............................

Dear Mr OK,
You can find our policy on the structure of government here. Devolved government is a very important principle for Greens. The principle underlying it is that we believe that decisions are best made at the most local level appropriate, so that the people affected are more involved in the process.

We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right. I assume that our policy has specified English regions rather than an English parliament because England is much bigger than Scotland and Wales and therefore the
regions would benefit from having their own governing bodies rather than an English parliament which would be more distant and more likely to neglect parts of the country in the way that the UK parliament does now.

You can find all of our other policies in the Manifesto for a Sustainable Society here. This is a collection of all policy motions passed by our party members at conference. This is how our policy is made.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party


SO I SAID BACK TO THEM BECAUSE I WAS A BIT ANGRY..........

Mr Stacy,
I'm sorry, but I find your statement -
"We believe that Scotland should have as much autonomy as the Scottish people want, and that English regions should have a similar right".......
to be wholly undemocratic. Rather than the ‘regions’, don't you think you should be wanting the English PEOPLE to have as much autonomy that we want also? English people DO NOT WANT regional government - have you never heard of the NE referendum? 78% said NO. That means NO, the people have spoken - Politicians - even Greens should LISTEN to the electorate occasionally. .

In a MORI poll conducted in July, 41% of people interviewed expressed a preference for an English Parliament. Don't you people think you should be listening to people from England as to what THEY want rather than clinging to NuLabour's discredited, unelected and wholly undemocratic regional 'solutions'.

England is not too big at all - that is simply not true. An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!

An English Parliament would have MORE contact with local issues - not less, via a county by county set up.

NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS - BUT NOT TO ENGLAND. It is pernicious racism, we are effectively being penalised because of who we are - and as so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'.

Alfie the OK,
English and therefore disenfranchised,
Lancashire,
England (a country NOT a collection of regions).


AND THEY CLARIFIED A FEW POINTS FOR ME.............

Hi Alfie,
Thanks for your reply - you've reacted very angrily but we agree on more than you realise.

I'll start with your paragraph: "An English parliament would be smaller and more focused than the Westminster model. There wouldn't be any Welsh, Scots and N.I. members voting on purely English matters for a start. There would be more cash available as the Barnett Formula bribes to the other Home Countries will be terminated. Maybe some of OUR citizens will then have free residential care, access to expensive cancer drugs and a further education without top up fees!!!!"

We would agree with all of this. I wasn't comparing an English parliament to Westminster - having an English parliament would be better than the current system. When we passed the policy several years ago we suggested regions rather than one parliament, but if the English people don't want that model they won't have to have it. The principle is that we believe in devolved power, and that the form it takes should be determined from below, not from above.

We were also unhappy with the form that New Labour proposed for a North East assembly. It was undemocratic, and seemed to be centralising a lot of power from below rather than devolving it from above. We are certainly opposed to New Labour's unelected regional bodies.

So, regarding your closing paragraph: "NATIONAL DEMOCRACY CANNOT BE OFFERED TO 3 OF THE HOME NATIONS BUT NOT TO ENGLAND." Yes, we agree.

"As so called 'democrats' you should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves for signing up to this nasty little version of establishment 'democracy'." Well, we haven't signed up to Blair's version of it.

We are absolutely for the principle of devolved power and democracy.

Best wishes

Adam Stacey
Administrative Officer
The Green Party

Surviving Porridge – advice for Prisoner Blair.

Princess Tony, sent down at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the ‘Cash for Honours’ heist is going to need all the ‘Surviving Bird’ help he can get - so with this in mind, ‘Humanitarian Alfie’ has been consulting with his shadier mates in the pub. Knuckles Blowtorch and Crusher Dentalwork have pooled their respective grey matter to produce a 10 point do’s and don’ts plan of prison etiquette…...

1) Upon entering prison, try not to get up the Guards’ noses. Only speak when you’re spoken to – and never, ever, try to tell them that Gordon’s the Mr Big…

2) OK, you’ve been led to your cell and hopefully you haven’t yet been beaten up. Your new pal on the top bunk is looking you up and down, and asks you what you’re in for… Under no circumstances tell him that you’ve been done for selling ermine cloaks from the back of a car in a motorway service station.

3) In order to get his respect, much better to invent a whole new crime. Tell him you’re a mass murderer, that you’ve killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people in order to impress one of your hoodlum mates. That way you’ll come across as being both psychotic and unstable…. In no time at all he’ll be offering you the top bunk and calling you ‘Sir’.…

4) Now you’ve got your new crime, you’ll need a dangerous name to go with it. Try and act ‘tough’ at all times - make people scared of you. You are not an ‘ordinary kinda guy’ any more – from now on you’re a raving nutter. You’re now ‘Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair’

5) OK, you’ve almost reinvented yourself – hard new crime, hard new name – now you need to adopt an ‘attitude’… Mad staring eyes are good, so is a manic smile – and you’ll need a catch phrase…. ‘‘I’m Mad Tony, The Maddest Bastard Who is so Mad he Married Mad Cow Cherie Blair - and if you look at me like that again I’ll stab you in the eye…. Cos I’m so bloody mad"

6) Swagger – you’ll need a ‘walk’. When you saunter down ‘D Wing’ everyone needs to know you mean business. Remember those Clint Eastwood movies and those cowboy boots – a gift from George Dubbya?….

7) ‘Snout’ – this time, nothing to do with Lord Falconer’s hooter in the trough. In prison, ‘snout’ is tobacco – a form of currency…. It would take quite a few tons of ‘snout’ to buy a peerage.

8) It is important that you choose your friends very, very carefully. Avoid anyone built like an outside bog – and if anyone calls you a "Blair bitch" run like hell.

9) Don’t ever drop your soap in the showers – and if you do, never, ever bend down to pick it up.

10) Finally, never forget those wise, wise words of Michael Howard – "If you cannot do the time then don’t do the crime"….

The Daily Politics - watch it if you can..…

You really should log onto the BBC Daily Politics’ website and download today’s programme. That gobby Nu Labour ginger midget, Hazel Blears was on.

Uber growler, Andrew Neil was the man with the electric prod trying to get an answer, any answer from her. Of course he couldn't - but the squirming from Blears was a sight to behold. It really is riveting telly, Blears getting dizzy due to all the body swerves and turbo waffle she was doing. Neil getting more irritated because he just could not get an answer from her. I just wish I’d had a quid for every time Neil said "Can you just answer the question?"

Well Blears couldn’t and wouldn’t …. The ginger rabbit was stuck, transfixed rigid in the headlights of the Andrew Neil Turbo Coupe. She just looked like she desperately hoped Scotty would beam her up to the Starship Enterprise. Unfortunately, the Dylithium Crystals must have been on the blink again because Scotty was busy in the engine room.

She just sat there, blinking, gasping, drowning……..

There is no doubt about it, Andrew Neil is a proper job journalist…… I am amazed that the Beeb hasn’t yet been instructed by No 10 spin machine to get rid of him.

100% Rubbish...

They were all there last night weren’t they? All the usual suspects – like characters out of a who-dun-it murder mystery at Sir Roger Victim’s Manor House on a stormy winter’s night…..

Filling the boots of Mrs Peacock, Professor Plumb and the gang were Lady Fuddy-Duddy-Blue-Rinse, Miss Delusional, Mr Cockney-Sparrer, Mr Chingford-Skinhead, Mr Far-Right, Miss Denial and Miss Witchetty-Grub, the uglier of Mrs Thatcher’s twin offspring.

The programme was as shallow as an Aussie soap plot. It was a train crash – the Shit-TV Express in a head on collision with the Ignorance Inter-City …. "So you think you’re English do you? Well you’re not – no one is, so there, get bloody used to it, England is nothing more than the world’s biggest passenger airport lounge"….

One by one, the group formerly known as English were rolled out, set up and shot down by sneering presenter, Andrew Graham-Dixon.
"So, you are in fact 35% Northern European, 10% Blancmange, 25% Carpet Sweepings and 10% Monosodium Glutamate……. That just leaves 20% left…. Tell me, did your Granny ever shag anyone from Timbuktu?"

Cue collective crests falling, bottom lips smacking the floor, as the shocky rocky horror of it all hit home. It was bloody GBH before the 9 0’clock watershed. They hadn’t been Tango’ed or even Jeremy Beadled – no, it was much, much more subtle than that, they’d been DNA’d…. Were they related to a kipper in the done up position?

After 45 minutes, I’d had enough, I went to the pub….. We all agreed it was a really shit programme. Tacky, sad, all part of the plot to dissolve the identity of England before our very eyes. Why didn’t they have Billy Bragg on? He says he’s as English as roast beef…. Why not Ian Botham or David Beckham, innit?

Why was it just 100% English? Why not 100% Scottish or Welsh or British? Why not 100% Journalist? "So, Mr Andrew Graham bloody Dixon, you may have thought you were 100% journo, but I’ve got a bit of a shock for you….. Yep, you’re really 80% children’s show presenter, 15% wet fart and 5% French"……

Just then, someone said "Why not 100% Channel 4 Programme?"

We all agreed, ‘100% English’ was 100% pure Bullshit.

Answer the Nuclear dumping question, jerk!.....

...to paraphrase my hero, John MacEnroe.

And the question I've tried to get answered is aimed at a right slimey Dan, career creep and all round power junkie, David Miliband. I've rung his office, tried to get a question to him on phone ins, spoken to his experts and reminded his underlings that I am still waiting for his reply which has now slipped over their own self imposed deadline of 15 days.

Every day I ring his cruddy office - every day I get a Miliband body swerve. I've even tried to enlist the help of my Labour MP. I don't hold out much hope of success here though, Mrs Supine is about as motivated as a dead sloth.

The question I would like answered is -

Subject: Nuclear waste disposal.....

Dear Mr Miliband,

Yesterday you announced your decision to bury low, middle and high level radioactive nuclear waste - and stated that if certain councils agreed to house the waste in their areas then they would get the added bonus of substantial government funding to the tune of millions of pounds.

Also, during an interview with Peter Allen yesterday on BBC's FiveLive radio station, you talked about how you hoped 'the country's councils would take up the invitation and offer to house the waste'.

Can you please tell me which 'country' are you talking about? Is the invitation open to all councils in the UK - or just England and Wales - or even just England? Please, in future, if you are just referring to England, can you make it clear, so the population of England can make a judgement based on the facts.

I heard Jack McConnell being interviewed on Radio Scotland on Wednesday - and he said that Scotland would not be taking and burying any of their own nuclear waste. He said that it would all be coming down to England to be buried.....

He's either very presumptuous, or he knows something we don't.... I suspect the latter, what do you think? Which is all a bit odd really - after all, with some of the oldest and hardest rock in the world and a population density less than that of the Gobi Desert, I would have thought the Scottish Highlands would have been the best place of all to put it, don't you agree?

Hoping for a swift, honest, spin-free and accurate reply.

Some hope.

"Please Sir, we want more"….

Education, Education, Education, is not what the final year history students on a course at Bristol University are getting at the moment. They have been offered just 2 hours tuition a week for their £1,200 fees - and that works out at 20 quid an hour. However, for those lucky, lucky English students who have just started their courses this year, the top up charge has taken the cost of learning up to over 3 grand per year. That takes the cost of the final year course up to an eye watering 60 quid per hour…..

The university has apparently allotted the rest of the week for ‘private research’ and ‘independent study’ by the students. However someone from the course - obviously a right Jonny Provocateur, dangerous trouble maker and Bolshevik told the university’s newspaper Epigram: "I thought I was paying to be educated by leading academics, not for a library membership and a reading list."

Look Jonny P, Terry Trotsky, Jimmy Stalin and the rest of you English student troublemakers you’d better all start getting used to it – Remember the mantra, Ripped off, Ripped off, Ripped off…..

A tale of two stadiums….

Or is it ‘stadia’? Who knows…..
Anyway, I was watching the telly on Sunday, a rugby union international was on and England were being demolished by the All Blacks. The game was pants – but what struck me was, what a really fantastic stadium Twickenham is. The South Stand is all but up – and when it is all finished in a few months time it will also house a grand hotel. The last bit of the ‘Project Twickenham’ development is costing around £85 million – it would have been more, but the RFU decided that they couldn’t afford the original quote of over £100 million, so redesigned it to something they could afford.

It now holds over 82,000 people – and is the biggest stadium in England. Twickenham is now a perfect tiered bowl, everyone gets a fantastic view of the action on the field, but behind the scenes there are superb restaurant, conferencing and bar facilities – so you can drown your sorrows after England have been stuffed again.

What really amazes me though is the way the RFU have quietly and efficiently gone about the business of rebuilding the entire stadium over a period of years. Most of the work has been privately financed through ticket sales, partnership deals and television contracts. They've built stands when they had the money to do it. All of the work has been carried out without the bungling interference of busy-body, photo-opportunity politicians, inept & craven administrators and the bizarrely narrow funding criteria of the National Lottery Nazis…..

Compare and contrast with the shenanigans up the road at Wembley, the home of football and the embarrassment of an entire nation….

Snippets from Rod Liddle….

In the Sunday Times, inspired by the 'black jelly baby' court case, Mr Liddle has been musing about the nominations for this year’s ‘Ludicrous Hate Crime Awards’….

He thought jellybabygate had taken the race hate biscuit – that was of course until he’d heard about the case of Scotsman, Mr Ronnie Hutton, a mechanic from Stirling. Central Scotland Police attempted to prosecute Mr Hutton for "revving his car in a racist manner"….

Meanwhile over in Thames Valley police area, plod has been arresting a man for going up to a mounted policeman and telling him his horse was "gay". The man was arrested for "causing offence and distress to both horse and police officer"…..

Things have never been the same since Dockson of Dick Green retired.

Letter to Grandstand, BBC Sport.....

Dear Sir,

Just before the kick off of the England v New Zealand rugby union match at Twickenham, your Welsh commentator said "And now for the singing of the English national anthem" .... With that, a man on the pitch started to sing 'God Save the Queen'

Can you PLEASE tell all your sporting commentators to stop referring to God Save the Queen as 'the English national anthem' - it isn't. It's the British one.... England doesn't have a national anthem of its own, for some reason we have been left out of the queue for national anthems for the home countries - we seem to get left out of everything. But of course you know all this already, don't you?

I am part of an organisation that is trying to get England its own anthem - apparently this is unbelievably difficult to obtain.... who knows why, maybe it's a threat to world peace or something. Honestly, you'd think there was some sort of government conspiracy in denying the English our own anthem - and by the BBC continuing to incorrectly describe GStheQ as the English national anthem (however 'accidently'), it only continues to confuse the English public - and further aid the deception of the government in denying England any sort of national pride in anything........

The Sir Michael Caine Mutiny.....

Evidence in an interview in Saturday's Times magazine that leading film actor, Michael Caine has been talking to his big pal, Sean...... and he's not happy at all.

The article explains where Michael stands on the issue of English democratic rights -
Caine was thrilled when he received the CBE in 1993, and was awarded a Knighthood in 2000. "I am very, very patriotic, so don't get me started, " he warns. He frets that his beloved England has been overlooked as the other home nations enjoy devolution.

His friend Sir Sean Connery has become a cheer-leader for Scottish nationalism and Sir Michael is beginning to think he is right.

"I'm a very English man. And that doesn't mean I don't like foreigners and I hate all immigrants. I am married to an immigrant but I'm not happy at the moment. Everybody seems to be represented but the English.

"There is a possibility that a Scotsman is going to rule over me. A Scotsman who comes from a constituency where my member of parliament who I elected, has no say whatsoever. And there is an answer, given to me by my friend Sean: give Scotland its independence. Gordon Brown can then be the Prime Minister of Scotland".....

"And I'm worried about the fact that they (the Scots) cheer for the other side in the football and I think to myself. "Have they really got my interests at heart?"......

Errr, no Mike, they haven't. Welcome to the fight.