Mild cheese terrorist outrage in Tesco...

Tesco Chief Executive, Sir Terry Leahy, put his 'Flying Flag Squad' on full alert last night as it emerged that a desperate cell of cheese and flag guerrillas had stuffed his stores with dairy products bearing the flag of St George.

Last night, every Tesco store in the country was ruthlessly searched for the rogue 'Mild Cheddar' packs, which were stripped from the shelves and unceremoniously dumped into landfill sites 'somewhere in the UK' .

Trying to reassure a panicking public, a Tesco spokesperson, said that if customers had inadvertantly bought a pack, they could claim a full refund with no questions asked - but those in Scotland would also each qualify for a free bonus of 100,000 Tesco shopping points and a 4 pack of Tennent's Super Strength Lager to get over the shock of it all (well, every little helps!).

In a desperate bid to repair this PR disaster, Sir Terry said he was organising a massive TV campaign using well known Big Yin, Billy Connolly as the voice over.

A strap line for the campaign have not yet been finalised but a few possible options are being analysed by Tesco focus groups... a strong early favourite is believed to be...

"English f***ing mild f***ing cheddar? Are ye 'aving a f***ing laugh or what? I'd rather eat one of ma own f***ing kidneys, ye soft southern f***er'....."

NOTE - Only the 'mild cheese versions of the product line have a St George's flag on them - the medium and strong products are devoid of our national ident...

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nah it's just a sad, delusional control freak...

Has Ed Balls, our glorious leader's Hissing-Sid pal back at the McBunker been whispering even more poison into Brown's big fleshy chimpy ear? Or has our beloved leader finally lost his marbles (along with his cohonas, judgement, honesty and integrity)?

Well summat's up. How else do you explain Brown's comedic gatecrashing of the today's Oil Barons meeting at Banchory in Scotland. Accompanied by his pocket Chancellor Allistair Darling, the dynamic duo swooped into the meet to tell the JR Ewings of the North Sea world that they needed to increase oil production - like right now, in order to flood the market - and in the process, reduce the price of a barrel of crude...... And save Western civilisation as we know it.

Dutifully, the Brown-nosing Broadcasting Corporation were there to record the great event. Brown and Darling, the rescue squad were in town along with square jaws, calculators and a copy of the riot act..... Oh my Gard, the price of crood has garn through the roof, who will save us?"....

Fear not, taxed-to-death citizen, tis I,Sadman and Bobbins, my grey sidekick are here to turn on the taps"..

"Gard bless you, great clunking fist - whoever you are"....

Cut to the inside of the hall. Brown, centre stage is hunched telling the boys with the black stuff exactly how it's going to be. All the clunking fist hand gestures are there, furrowed brow, jabbing finger, blood pressure on simering. A Glasgow kissed frenzy is about to break out unless Messers Shell and co 'do something'...

All is well with the world, the BBC's Gordon Brown's Brand is back - and he means business......

And that's where the 'reality' stops. This clown and his stooge have no power to do anything about the price of cake - much less the price of oil - except that is, to take off some of the duty - and of course they'll never do that, will they?

Gordon, my poor deluded leader, oil is a globally quoted commodity - the price of Brent Crude is, and always has been linked to OPEC's price. The UK's oil production is absolutely miniscule when compared with Saudi, Russia and the States. And anyway, we no longer have the capacity to increase output - especially as a result of Brown's last North Sea 'Windfall' tax grab of a few years ago. As a consequence of that act, Shell and BP publically declared they would no longer attempt to look for new, more difficult, more expensive North Sea oilfields.

So today's futile act of gonadship, an embarrassing hoo-haa of no consequence has echoes of previous delusions of adequacy. I haven't laughed so much since Tony Blair said he was going to crack heads around the Middle Eastern table over a glass or two of sherry*....

NOTE: *That's 'Sherry' the drink, not 'Cherie' the mad woman.

The shape of things to come..( 2 up, 2 down - and a recycle bin).

Eco-Towns, that oxymoron on acid are about to be railroaded through as part of Caroline Flint’s Brassy-Cowed, trowel-it-on legacy. So says the Goverment’s top planning adviser in yesterday’s Sunday Times...

’Ministers are plotting to “crash the planning process” for their new eco-towns, restricting the opportunity for residents to object, according to the government’s own expert adviser.

Professor David Lock claims the communities department wants to fast-track the towns, intended to provide environmentally friendly housing. This is despite the government’s public declaration that normal procedures will be followed...

Eco-Towns, along with their close neighbours Eco-Motorways, Eco-Factories, Eco-Red Light Districts (all the Jonnies are made from recycled Gimp Masks, you know) and Eco-Sink Estates are threatening to swamp England under a billion tonnes of concrete.

Flint, famous for wearing a two inch thick layer of Rimmel make-up in a futile attempt to somehow get ‘the London look’ last month took the art of speaking utter bollocks to a whole new level. She declared that soon-to-be second largest city in the UK, Milton Keynes was greener, more environmentally friendly than the as yet unspoilt countryside that surrounds it.

I expect she was referring to the abundance of wildlife drawn to the bright city lights. Rats, feral foxes, feral yooves, yard dogs, bar flies, man eaters and asbo monkeys......

So determined is Ms Flint to get her Eco-Towned Valhallas built that Prof Lock reckons that the normal planning procedures (which could take around 10 years) will be chucked into the bin in favour of ‘fast-track-city’. And the tools with which to do the chucking are currently doing the rounds at Westminster. The new English only planning bill will enable central government to hex all local opposition under the broad brush wording of ‘For the greater good’....

Full story here....

COMING SOON! The full shameful list of land grabbing companies who own the green field land which are to be Eco-Towned. If you know who they are – then you can boycott them – and help save England from obliteration.

The battle of Crewe and Nantwich...

At bloody last..

For the past week, Blogger has been well irritating the tripes off me. No matter what I did, what I tried, I couldn't bloody upload anything!

This morning however, everything seems to be working....... Wordpress is beckoning so it better not happen again.

Another England vid...