They seek her here, they seek her there......

Rrrinnggg, rrring......

"Hi, is that the Information Office of the Palace of Westminster?"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"Well, I'd like to speak to the Ministry of the North West please."

"The Minis-treeee of the North West?"

"Yes, the Minis-treeee of the North West....... It has to be there - after all there's a Ministair for the North West - our great Prime Minister himself devolved powers to her soon after coming to power"...

"Do you know who the Mini-stair of the North West is then?"

"Yes, her name is Beverley Hughes"....

"Oh, you mean the Children, Schools and Families Minister?"

If her name is Beverley Hughes - I suppose I do.....

"Hmmm, let me have a look, Mini-streeee of the North West..... North West, North.... Mini-streee of the".......

"You might have better luck if you type in Mini-streeee of the North West of England"...

"Of England?"

"Yes, the Mini-streeee of the North West - of England...... I've had a butchers on the Parliamentary web site and cannot seem to find it. Look, I know it must exist - because you've got your Ministair, QED, there must be a Ministreeeeeeeee with which to house said Ministair and her entourage - even if it's just a converted airing cupboard, a phone line and a packet of post-it notes....

"Well, there doesn't seem to be even an airing cupboard".....

"Telephone?"

"No."

"Fax?"

"No"

"Email address?"

"Nope."

"Postal Address?"

.................................."Oh yes!!!"

"Hoo-bloody-ray! Now we are getting somewhere...... Can you let me have it, please?"

"Just address the letter to the Ministair of Children, Schools and Families at the Ministreee of Children, Schools and Families, Sanctuary Buildings, Great Smith Street, London SW1P 3BT and I'm sure the Ministair for the North West will pick it up from there".....

"So just to recap. The North West of England - an area with a population of seven million people, that's two million more than the population of Scotland doesn't actually have a Ministreeeeeeeeeeeee of the North West - or indeed a Ministair of the North West who actually does anything?........ It's sort of like the Werthers Original advert, isn't it?"

"Werther's Original?"

"Yeah, you know .... the kid in the car telling his Dad about his mate's 'sort of virtual Dad'..... The Ministreeeeeeeeeeee for the North West is a sort virtual organisation - it doesn't exist.... it's a figment of our great leader's imagination"....

"I couldn't possibly say - but I'm sure someone, somewhere is doing good works for the Region"....

"Area"

"Area?"

"Yes, it's an 'area' - and not a 'region'"

"Yes, I'm sure it is........ Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Actually yes!.... Can I speak to the Ministreee of Yorkshire and Humberside, please?".......