Tesco:
During one of my recent spying missions to our local Tesco I noticed a rather strange line just over there by the bargain basement display. On sale was a big box of riding crops for the amazingly reasonable price of £1.84p each. Now I don’t do riding – but I know a bargain when I see one, so I sauntered over all casual-like to have a closer look...
I slid one out of the box and sort of started to thwack it rhythmically against my thigh. The shaft, constructed from finest Chinese plastic felt cool to the touch. The imitation plastic flap flopped from side to side in a provocatively stinging wiggle...... Hmmmm, corporal punishment.... I wonder if Mrs Alfie would be interested?....
“Put it back”. It was my 20 year old Son bringing me back to reality and reminding me we lived in West Lancashire and not Western California. Still, I wonder why they were being sold in our local Tesco? We have no horsey set round our way to speak of – the only horse flesh I was aware of occupied the tins of Kennomeat nearby – and there is no way they can be spanked back into action. Maybe Tesco have seen a gap in the market and have decided to go big on Sadomasochism? Maybe Sir Terry likes to wear women’s undies? Maybe owning a riding crop is now a very British thing to do?
Who knows? But if you want to buy one, then hurry along to your local Tesco – you’ll find them over in the corner, right next to the gimp masks and the furry hand cuffs.
Morrisons:
“Hello, is that the Morrisons Customer Relations”?
“Yes it is, how can we help?”
“Well, can you tell me if you are proud to serve England?”
“Of course we are. We are proud to serve everyone in the UK”.
“No, but are you especially proud to serve England? And are you as proud to serve England as you are to serve Scotland”
“Yes, I suppose we are – why do you ask?”
“Well during the recent e.coli scare at a Morrisons supermarket in Scotland, I saw a TV report about it on the BBC. I couldn’t help noticing that the Reporter was standing outside the store and behind him was a 20 foot sign with a huge Saltire painted on it and the strap line – ‘Morrisons, proud to serve Scotland’.... There were also a couple of internal shots of the supermarket – and the ‘Proud to serve Scotland’ strap was stuck on anything that didn’t actually move”.....
“So if, like you say, you are proud to serve England – and in fact just as proud as you are to serve Scotland, when will you be erecting a big new 20 foot high sign outside my local Morrisons store with a huge St George’s flag and the strapline ‘Morrisons, proud to serve England’.....
“When will you be doing that?.......................... Hello...... Hello.... Is anyone there?”
2 comments:
The Morrison's supermarket in Berwick-upon-Tweed is included in their Scotch operation and that bloody Scotch rag is depicted everywhere and stuck on everything. The staff acted dumb at best when confronted.
Shopping in Berwick was very difficult and often required substantial compromises. During the world cup the CoSG was all over the shop and I mentioned that to the Scotch woman on the till. 'Well,' she said with a sneer, 'you're in England.' I let her have it. In the Co-Op I asked another Scotch woman if they sold English bacon. I was shown the Br*tish Bacon and pointed out that it was Br*tish bacon, not English. How could I tell that it wasn't Scotch? She bristled and told me that all Scotch bacon was labelled as such. I pointed out to her that the Co-Op's labelling policy was racially offensive. She became quite flustered and, as is the way of their kind, angry and hectoring.
gruff, maybe Scottish people don't like you because you cal them "Scotch"?
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