Dear Mr Brown,

I noticed today during your ever so impassioned pleading in your ever so British speech highlighting just how Scotland and England were stronger, confidentier, equalier, virilier, andymurrayier and even sexier (in a suzzy and suspenders way) as a lovee dovee married couple - and not as bickering divorcees. You spat, you glottaled, you damn near exploded in a red, white and blue fountain of invective. Such was your conviction that this little Jimmy Gemstone spewed from your gob –

"And as Scotland prepares for the third Elections to its Scottish Parliament, I believe the people of Scotland will see the positive case for us stronger together weaker apart. A Britain founded on both the devolution of power but also on a partnership which brings us stability, co-operation and mutual support is the best way of expressing the aspirations of the Scottish and British people".

OK, Gordon, mate. Firstly, 85% of the UK population are not the beneficiaries of a Britain founded on the devolution of power – they are, surprise surprise, the people of England.

Secondly "aspirations of the British and Scottish people" - Gordon, last time I looked, Scottish people are British people………. Or, was that a McFreudian slip? – did you mean, ‘Scottish and English people?’…..

Now, Gordon, if you’re going to grab the reins of power and the keys to the whisky cupboard in number 10, you really are going to have to clean your act up and learn to say ‘the word’. I suggest repeating this every night before you turn in. English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English…….