Hooray, hooray, it’s a holi, holiday…(in Scotland)…

Shock Press: Scottish MSPs decide to award their own people a Scottish Bank Holiday to celebrate their very own patron St Andrew’s Day. That’ll be that there devolution working for them again then….. It’s a good job we don’t need devolution, otherwise I might have got quite jealous!

"It is important to establish the principle of a St Andrew’s Day national holiday. And once the holiday is established I’m confident that recognition of it will grow in the years ahead and, with the help of negotiations between employers and trade unions, it will eventually become an additional holiday".. – Dennis Canavan, MSP.

Well, that’s nice for them, isn’t it? But then again, who's going to give us our St George's Day holiday? ..... Or is it St Edmund?

Prescott's still letting people down....

The Prescott grovelling apology to the ever-loving conference audience and his watery eyed wifey, Mrs Hairspray, sort of reminded Mrs Alfie of that old joke…. The one about the balloon who goes to balloon school with a very sharp pin. Not surprisingly he is hauled before the balloon headmaster for a good balloony tongue lashing….

"We are very disappointed. Not only have you let yourself down, you’ve also let me, your school friends and all the teachers down, in fact you’ve let the whole balloon school down"….

The only difference being that Prescott had let the whole country down…. And still does.

Prescott – a suitable case for treatment….

I’m just sitting here, minding my own business, watching the telly. The NuLabouremberg Rally from Manchester is on. ‘Chippolata John’ Prescott is on the podium doing his usual GBH job on the English language. First of all a moment of humility from the bulk-meister. He gets the delicate issue of him shagging the secretary out of the way. "To you, t'confrunce, A'd joost lack to saiy ow surry A am"...... Hmmmm, I wait for his apology to me and the rest of the 50 million, but none came. It figures...... Instead, humility now out of the way, Prezza starts to go through the gears of his very own 'arse-speak'. Pretty soon, he's pressing the turbo charger.

He’s going on about "The Enviiiiiiiiiiiro-mental Challenge"….. "The Torieeeeeeeezzzz"… "Grate Brrrrrrritin" and….. "The Labur Parrrrrty"

He’s shouting a lot, his big red moon face going redder and redder as more unreconstructed drivel fissure-glottals out of his gob. His vast podgy bulk is stooling in a pool of spit, broken consonants and oxymororonic invective – what a mess. Everyone is clapping – but not all in the right places. Like me, they haven’t a bloody clue what he’s going on about. In order to hide the fact that Prezza doesn’t actually ‘do’ anything anymore, it looks like he’s had another dive into the NuLabour Lexicon of Bollox – I think he’s trying to get every single word of that tome in his speech. Come to think of it, he does the same thing every single conference.

Hopefully, his head will explode before he gets to the end of it.

She's bloody mad.. (but not in a 'mad' way).

A statement from Cherie Booth QC, secretary of the 'Gordon for PM' movement.

“Look, I did not say Brown is a liar, I really didn’t, honestly, on my life, on Tony’s life, on my kids’ lives, I like Gordon, I really do, he's a great guy. We are next door neighbours for heavens sake, I borrow sugar from him, we chat about this and that over the garden fence…… and stuff.

For goodness sake, get off my case, can’t you all see I’m a working mother, it’s not easy you know, working 9 to 5 on wall to wall human rights cases, then rushing home to number 10 to make Tony and the kids’ tea. And then can I put my feet up? No I can’t, I have to go out for some damn rubbish function or other - and glad hand some tin-pot dictator from some God forsaken hole of an African backwater. It takes me an age to get ready – this face doesn’t look this good by itself you know…..

I’d have been bloody mad to actually say that Gordon was a liar – I have to ask you, do I look mad?

Well, do I?

Gordon Brown redefines the ‘D’ word….

Don’t you just love him, our PM in waiting? The man born ‘to serve’ the people made his big speech today at the Labour Party Rally from Manchester. The ‘Operation Tartan Fog’ campaign is well under way.

Gravura Gordon unleashed his big idea at the weekend and he made reference to it again in his speech. Devolution is now a good thing, officially approved by the dour git as fit for purpose for an English population. Not devolution for the country of England obviously, just devolution of its services. If Gordon gets the big job, the English NHS is to be devolved to ‘professionals’ – no doubt followed by devolved education, devolved transport and devolved planning…..

It’ll be Gordon’s way of getting out of the tricky issue of mandate and being held to account. By taking ‘the politician’ out of these services he’ll claim he has done more 'devolving' than the services in Scotland & Wales in giving control to ‘the people of England’….

In short, he’ll claim that he has empowered English people to take control of their own services …….. Betcha!

Gordon, mate. We ain’t that stupid.

Blair career moves – number 1

Now that Princess Tony is attending his last party conference as Labour Cappo Don, I thought I would offer our beleaguered but testosterone laden premier a few helpful tips regarding new career opportunities.

I know Tone is probably scanning the Guardian sits vacs for suitable jobs, but I don’t think he’s got much of a hope really…… I mean, if one day you’re ordering men to certain death in a futile demonstration of leadership virility – and the next you’re doing a nine to five as a deputy integration officer (class 2) for Lambeth Council…. Well, it’s a bit of a comedown – and I don’t think the Princess’s ego could cope to be honest.

No, Tony needs the cash – a lot more than the £15,486pa + gravy coupons and leather elbow patch allowance that a council job in Lambeth can offer. Tony also needs to be loved and adored throughout the western world – just like he imagines he is now…

So with this in mind I’ve been thinking outside of the luncheon box – and come up with the first in a series of suggestions that may help our beloved leader snap up that dream job opportunity.



Suggestion 1 – Character in The Simpsons.
Qualifications, Must be two dimensional, shallow and yellow. Previous experience as a cartoon character an advantage. Should have comic features and ridiculous hair that could easily be transferred to acetate so we can all have a bloody good laugh…..

Krusty, I’d watch your step if I were you, Crappy could be after your job……

Yozzer says gizza role....

According to ace CEP reporter, Gareth ‘Scoop' Young and his trusty scoopocam, Lib Demmer Simon Hughes has chucked his considerable cerebral bulk back into the ‘English Question’ farrago. The politician who once campaigned as ‘The Straight Choice’ in a Bermondsey by-election has had a few new ideas about the issue.

Scoop reports that Yozzer has gone a bit radical, a bit left field on English self determination - (again!).. Only a year ago he was a bit of a champion of the English – he even committed to an English Parliament…… and then Kennedy staggered off the stage - and in the fight for leadership all of Simes' constitutional envelope-pushing was consigned to the nether regions of the constituency office filing cabinet. Boring mainstreaming was Simon's tactic for success......

Of course, 'Simon the Statesman' got spanked, Ming won. Somebody who nobody had heard of came second - and Hughes came a poor last……. So now, Yozzer the Rad is back with more answers to the English Question.

In his piece, Scoop lists the major points of the Hughes agenda.. One in particular jumped out at me – and told me as much as I needed to know about the Hughes ability to do his sums…..

Apparently Simon says that the English public will decide they do not want an English parliament, but would prefer English MPs sitting one day in four on English domestic business.

Hmmmmm….. Sorry Simes, It doesn’t really match up with the stats does it? Westminster spends over 70% of its time debating English issues, how the hell will all that business be shoved into 20% of the weekly Westminster time allocation?…….

I know, I've got a great idea! How about this flagpole, envelope pushing, outta the box thought? How about if the English population actually decide they don’t want a crummy 20% of a disinterested debating chamber – but would rather have an English Parliament for England -debating English business around 100% of the time….

Simon mate, am I a genius or what?

A few Lib Dem observations….

Crusty old Edinburgh lawyer and bumbling party leader, Sir Menzies Campbell is actually younger than the Peter Pan of pop, Sir Cliff Richard…..

If you transfer Lib Dem MP ‘Lembit Opik’ into a Scrabble hand he'd be worth quite a lot of points (especially if you can land on a treble word square…..

If Menzies is pronounced ‘Ming", how is ‘Ming’ pronounced?

Silver surfing…..

Apparently, a poll suggests that two thirds of the baby boomer generation have made no plans for their future care needs.

The report commissioned by Help the Aged only polled people from England and Northern Ireland – (no prizes for guessing why that should be then) , I decided to find out more. I logged onto the Help the Aged website – registered onto their forum and posted a reply to this posting from Denise…… Well, after reading it, I had to (and hopefully she now knows exactly which country gets the Barnett cash)….

Selling your home to pay for your care when you are elderly and incapable. I've read lots about this and I saw the Panorama TV programme with the legal precedents set but no-one is seems is able to enforce the law. It seems the ill are in hospital for a period of 3 months then they move them to a care home for which family homes are sold to cover the costs and if not a charge is placed over the home which amounts to the same thing. My mother in law has dementia, she is 86 years of age and no longer able to live alone, she wanders off and has reverted to her childhood days, she will not sit still and needs 1 on 1, 24 hour care. She has been in a psychiatric ward for the past 3 months and is very well cared for, but the hospital have now referred her to Social Services and they are looking for a home to place her in. She owns her own home and we know they will take this to fund the care. I would appreciate receiving anyone’s experiences. DENISE

Hat tip to Snafu

Little guy takes on JuggerTesco – and wins!!

The man who cannot be bought

Hats off to Mr William Chase from Tyrrells potato crisps – a small independent savoury snack producer catering to small, independent outlets throughout the country.

Tyrrells don’t do mega deals with control freak supermarket chains – and that includes Tesco. They only deal with farm shops, delicatessens and independent grocers shops – so that doesn’t include Tesco. Mr Chase is a passionate man, more concerned with the quality of his product than with being bullied, screwed down, then ruthlessly shafted by the hyena of the high street. In spite of this, Tesco asked if they could stock Tyrrells crisps, Mr Chase declined.

So imagine Mr Chase’s surprise when he found out that Tesco were actually selling Tyrells crisps in their out of town supermarkets. They had apparently got hold of them through a third party. Mr Chase told Tesco he did not want his product on their shelves and requested they desist from selling them.

He asked them several times – and true to form, Tesco ignored him several times. Patience exhausted, Mr Chase went to court. Today he got an injunction banning Tesco from selling his products in future – and ordering them to clear their shelves of any existing stock. Result!!!!!

Mr Chase, have you ever thought of going into politics?


Tesco free produce from Tyrrells

But 'Call-me-Dave', what about us Scousers?

Fresh from his shameful ‘I feel your marginalised anger tour’ of Scotland, I am expecting Call-me-Dave to make his way over to my part of the world to empathise with our stereotypical scousical alienation. No doubt he’ll be wearing a shell suit, a curly wig, a big moustache, and be telling everyone to "calm down, calm down or I’ll give yer all a Kirkby Kiss"….

Once here, I first expect Dave to sign on the dole, go to the pub for 15 pints of super strength lager – and then meander down to the banks of the River Mersey to make a rousing speech from the balcony of the Liver Building. There to tell the whole world how fed up he is seeing scally scousers always appearing on ‘The Bill’ robbing cars, burgling houses and gee bee aitching pissed Scotsmen on the streets of Sun Hill…..

So Dave, when can we expect a visit so you can empathise with our anger….. I’ve got a couple of stones of crack we can smoke - so should I put the kettle on and go and rob some Jammy Dodgers from the local Spar then?

Despotic typecasting-ium…

The brand spanking new BBC epic about ancient Rome is on the telly soon. Great! I’ve seen the trailers – the all-round fiddler and arsonistic head-the-ballium, Emperor Nero is central to the production. Hedonistic pleasure, appalling cruelty and bizarre pronouncements are cornerstones to Nero’s reign of terror...... (Hmmmmm, sounds a bit familiar, don't you think?)

I’ve noticed that the actor playing the despot Nero is non other than former Mr Kate Beckinsale - Michael Sheen

Sheen is making a speciality out of playing despotic nutcases. Not only has he played madman Nero, but also the much more madder man, Tony ‘Caligula’ Blair on TV in ‘The Deal’ and also in the forthcoming movie about Queen Brenda called ‘The Queen’ , (starring Helen Mirren in the title role)…….

Michael - a word of advice to you. If you don’t stop playing power-mad freak-a-zoids you’re going to get typecast. Yesterday it was Blair, today it’s Nero, tomorrow it could be Joe Stalin or even……

"OK, this film about Adolf Hitler, we need some pathos, sentimental Eva Braun moments and lots of psychotic insanity of a man truly on the edge of total madness, invading countries, curtailing civil rights, delivering hysterical speeches etc …… Get me that guy that played Emperor Blair and Prime Minister Nero - you know, Mr Kate Beckinsale"…….

Dear Mr Brown,

I noticed today during your ever so impassioned pleading in your ever so British speech highlighting just how Scotland and England were stronger, confidentier, equalier, virilier, andymurrayier and even sexier (in a suzzy and suspenders way) as a lovee dovee married couple - and not as bickering divorcees. You spat, you glottaled, you damn near exploded in a red, white and blue fountain of invective. Such was your conviction that this little Jimmy Gemstone spewed from your gob –

"And as Scotland prepares for the third Elections to its Scottish Parliament, I believe the people of Scotland will see the positive case for us stronger together weaker apart. A Britain founded on both the devolution of power but also on a partnership which brings us stability, co-operation and mutual support is the best way of expressing the aspirations of the Scottish and British people".

OK, Gordon, mate. Firstly, 85% of the UK population are not the beneficiaries of a Britain founded on the devolution of power – they are, surprise surprise, the people of England.

Secondly "aspirations of the British and Scottish people" - Gordon, last time I looked, Scottish people are British people………. Or, was that a McFreudian slip? – did you mean, ‘Scottish and English people?’…..

Now, Gordon, if you’re going to grab the reins of power and the keys to the whisky cupboard in number 10, you really are going to have to clean your act up and learn to say ‘the word’. I suggest repeating this every night before you turn in. English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English, English…….

More drug fascism.....

"The High Court heard on Thursday the drug had not been approved for NHS use in England and Wales......"
Click here for the full story

Betcha I know who'll win……

You’ve got to laugh haven’t you? All those councils up and down the country busily putting together their little proposal folders in the hope they will manage to get the SupaCasino awarded to their neck of the woods. What amazes me is they actually seem to think they have a chance of winning.

Two hopes. Bob Hope and no hope. They haven’t got a chance. It’s a done deal – it’s going to Prescott’s mate, Philip Anschutz and his Millennium Dome complex. The allegedly impartial Casino Advisory Panel are the people tasked to peruse all the proposals before impartially and inevitably recommending it goes to the Dome. So confident is the American that he will win, he’s nearly finished the casino building within. So, how did he get planning permission for that then?

Naive councils throughout the country should stop wasting our money on futile SupaCasino bid proposals they haven’t a hope of winning. Governments of all persuasions have after all, got ‘form’ in fixing previous ‘free and fair’ public competitions……..

Remember how the Dome itself came into being? – It was the supposed winner of a National competition to choose a place within the UK to build a celebration of the coming new Millennium. After much presenting from the provinces – it was given to a polluted site in Greenwich…. It cost millions to clean it up and zillions from the Lottery Fund to pay for this biggest of big fat white elephants. As former Tory minister, David Mellor said at the time of the award "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Greenwich"…… And so it was.

Leap forward a few years and the competition to decide where the brand spanking new English national football stadium should go. A good few English cities had a go, including Newcastle, Manchester, Birmingham …. and London, in the form of Wembley Stadium.

The proposals were duly lodged with the Department of Culture’s pet quango. They perused and mused, umm’d and arr’d, before announcing their winner. Amazingly, they announced that Manchester had won the prize. Equally amazingly, they said that Wembley’s bid was the worse of all. Wembley actually came last. Last.

Bizarrely, the quango then criticised Manchester’s bid – and suggested they clarify a few points – as winners, they would have to resubmit with the necessary amendments. Outrageously, as the very worse bid, Wembley would also be given another chance to get it right the next time.

The writing was on the Manchester Town Hall wall, they must have realised then they would lose in the 2 horse race. After all, Manchester already had the site, already had the motorway links, already had the stadium costed and Manchester was about 20 miles from the very centre of England. Ah yes, but they had a big problem – Manchester wasn’t in London.

Inevitably, Wembley won and inevitably, their solution was 5 times the cost of the Manchester one…. As former Tory minister David Mellor said at the time, "It couldn’t go anywhere else – it just had to be Wembley"…… And so it was………….

(And so it always is).