Bringlish watch / edition1

Bringlish, adj. 1.How the establishment like to index 'Englishness' under 'Britishness' . 2) A title of convenience.

Example number 1.
Smart alec host of cerebral quiz show, Qi, actor and all round know all, Stephen Fry doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does.

He was on BBC Breakfast this morning, being interviewed about the launch of the interactive DVD version of the quiz show. He waxed lyrical about this and that. Oscar Wilde was clearly alive and well. He then waffled on about having the gift of being able to speak English – and how blessed he was in being born British….. Then he got a bit carried away and quoted Cecil Rhodes. He said all waxy and lyrical-like "And what was it Cecil Rhodes said ‘to be born British is to win the lottery of life"……

Sorry, Stevie mate. Not quite right is it? Rhodes didn’t say that did he? He actually said "To be born English is to win the lottery of life"……

Fry clearly bottled it – fearing a bit of a backlash if he uttered the ‘E’ word. Far better to go for England’s uglier alter ego – Britain.

But maybe, being born British qualifies Fry to a 10 quid prize – as opposed to the jackpot pay-out for being Blighty born……. And that makes me a millionaire!

Example number 2.
Back page of Monday’s edition of The Daily Express.
Pictures of Becks celebrating England’s win over Argentina and English golfer David Howells winning the big comp in the far east - and beating the mighty Tiger in the process. Alongside, Marcus Trescothick was pictured smashing a cricket ball all over the place in Pakistan - and English rugby union’s Mark Cuerto crashing over the Aussie try line. There was also a pic of a guy from Leeds scoring a try for the GB rugby league team… a GB team that is almost exclusively English.

So that’s 5 fantastic weekend sporting success stories – 4 exclusively English – and one English in all but name.

Daily Express’ headline? ‘Unstoppable – Beckham bullish on British glory weekend’….. and obviously accompanied with the regulation Union Jack graphic…

Funny though, I didn’t see Scotland’s glorious 1-1 draw with the USA mentioned in the ‘glory weekend’….

The word is spreading.....

Watching the lunchtime edition of ‘Look Northwest’ – the BBC’s local magazine programme, I was heartened by two aired items.

The first was a Labour MP for Rochdale complaining about the creeping regionalisation of the NW – the latest episode being the proposal to have all the ambulance services in the area housed under one single authority. The MP actually said that ‘the people’ do not want a regional approach – so why is the government doing it?

SUMMARY - Blimey, New Labour sheep sees real agenda light.

The second? A group of direct action heroes from an organisation called ‘CountyWatch’. Two guys, both in their 50's have spent the last few days taking down the ‘Welcome to Lancashire’ signs from the current county boundaries and relocating them to the pre ‘70’s border. The BBC followed them around, dutifully recording their acts of noble vandalism.

When asked whether or not they felt any guilt, they gave a great account of the validity of their case.

SUMMARY – the awkward squad is growing faster than fat-arsed Prescott could ever imagine

'The Wake' will go public - 2/12/05

'H' will be doing his utmost to persuade 80 political students at one of our seats of learning that the current democratic deficit in this country is totally unacceptable. I have a feeling I have a lot of work to do - as I think they are under the impression that English nationalist = shaven headed facist......

This old style, compassionate moderate left winger and passionate democrat will endeavour to put them right.

‘Stealth Regionalism' – the new, New Labour must have …

David Miliband, Minister for local government and Blair’s preferred dauphin has been busily finding out ways to get the ‘R’ strategy in England back on track. ‘Super councils’ are apparently the answer.

Super councils will run straight across county boundaries, sometimes amalgamating several into one new leviathan.
Super councils will eradicate traditional English shire counties – all 34 of them (you know, the ones that have been around for as long as 1,500 years)…….
Super councils will take power away from local communities – the district and county authorities will disappear, to be replaced by a unitary option…..

In a leaked report, Miliband was apparently concerned that the current two-tier system led to ‘confusion’ and created ‘fragmented leadership’……..

The Wake’s reaction to this b/s hyperbole is complete and utter homicidal anger. It’s nothing to do with supposedly making things more effective or more efficient. It’s got everything to do with dividing, emasculating and ruling my Country.

Come to think of it, this ‘to make things more efficient, we must make things bigger’ strategy has become a bit of a recurring theme over the past few weeks from various Labour ministries.

A couple of weeks ago a report stated that the existing police forces in England are to be rationalised down to less than half the current number. English health authorities are scheduled to have similar amalgamation fever bestowed on them - lucky us eh! Now if I didn’t know better, I’d say there just might be a bit of backdoor regionalisation going on.

Miliband, Blair, Prescott, Brown et al. Why do you hate us so much?

Plans at advanced stage for Team GB footy team……

Following the Scottish FA’s failure to play ball and the likelihood that the Welsh FA are about to decline the offer – it looks like the preposterous proposition of a GB football team playing in the 2012 Olympic Games is thankfully dead in the water.

Don’t you believe it! In my opinion, the formation of a Team GB is more certain than ever - as a direct result of the Scottish FA (and all the aggressive political baggage it would have brought with it) declining to offer any players to compete.

There are just the nervous Northern Ireland FA and the brown nosing English FA left to try and form a team. You can be assured the N.I. FA will follow the other two Celtic nations and decline. So how could the ‘Team GB’ project go ahead"

Simple. It’s what the political numpties have always hoped for. All 'lukewarminess' will have been banished, courtesy of the Celtic awkward squad vacating the table. The field will be free for the pathetically grovelling Chief Exec', David Davies and the rest of the English FA falling over themselves to co-operate with the Raj. And as the British Government have buried England constitutionally and politically, equating our country with ‘regions of Britain’ then in their opinion an all-English team, made up from the regions will be a perfectly satisfactory conclusion. Remember the Tour of Britain cycle race – Teams Wales, Scotland, Ireland and Team Britain…….. Team Britain was in reality, Team England. Remember when Rhona Martin and her 3 team members won the curling gold medal, they all came from the same very small curling club in Scotland.

The only way to stop this stupidity is for the English FA to suddenly develop a backbone and tell Tone, Seb', Colin and co' to sod off. And as we all know, when there is the sniff of a Knighthood in the air, backbones tend to be made of custard (soggy, no rigidity and yellow in colour).

BBC FiveLive phone in, starring David Davis….

A lesson in 'fobboffery' to an English nationalist….

This morning, between 9 and 9:30, Tory leadership candidate, Double Dee took phone calls from the general public.

The very last question, just before 9:30, was from a guy called ‘Sean’. He introduced himself to DD, and said he met him on a train platform station some time ago. Apparently, Sean was on his way to an English Constitutional Convention meet at Westminster – DD remembered him. Sean asked him 'here and now' to commit himself, should he become Tory leader to right the constitutional deficit in England and give us an English Parliament.

Cue bluster, waffle, the need to avoid an expensive second tier of English MPs, commitment to ensure only English MPs vote on English legislation – and as DD said at the end – "That’s the way to solve it"…..

I’m sure Sean would have come back, but he’d been well cut off by the BBC hatchet crew.

Well Dave, it bloody does not ‘solve it’ at all. You’ve ratted, like I always knew you would. The lofty utterances made 4 years ago about England having it’s own Parliament are but a distant memory in the stinking sea of mendacity that politics wallows in. Dave, it’ll come back and bite you, guaranteed.

For Double Dee, read Double Cee - as in crossed.

If you want to hear what Sean said and the waffle Davis blathered, then here it is. (When you get to the page, click on Davis' mug shot and the BBC radio player will open. Please wait till it buffers then drag the slider up to almost the end of the scale. Sean’s question is the last of the set, so it’s right at the end.

Tony Blair –footy pundit.

Well, did you see him on Saturday’s edition of BBC’s ‘On the Ball? The big cheester, the maestro of the body swerve, the guv’nor – Bite your legs Tony ‘Blairo’ Blair tucked in alongside ‘Motty’ ‘Lawro’ and the boy Manish Bhasin. As creative a midfield that you will ever see.

Blair looked a bit out of sorts. After all, a big responsibility had been placed on the nimble-footed, midfield dynamo’s shoulders - he’d just confined the legend, the old caber-tosser himself - Alan ‘Dour-Git’ Hansen to the subs bench.

SPECIAL STOP-THE-BALL COMPETITION

Using you skill and judgement, try and imagine where the ball might be in this action picture modelled by Blairo and Lawro.

Blairo tried hard to impose himself with a couple of early touches. Right from the off, he was given the opportunity to ‘put the record straight’ regarding the scurrilous allegation that he’d seen geordie baggy-trousered legend, ’Wor Jackie Milburn' doing his mesmeric goal poaching for the ‘Toon when Tone was barely out of his tartan nappies….

It was all so natural. It almost looked as if they hadn’t rehearsed the act at all, that much. Blairo said in answer to an ‘off the cuff’ enquiry from the boy Manish about how he was somehow ‘misquoted’. Quick as a Michael Owen run bearing down on Johnny Argentina’s goal, the boy Manish said "Yes, I think we just might be able to find a tape of that interview you gave on local radio all those years ago"….

Cue frantic search. Was the boy Manish offside? Was he lurking at the far post? Was he as reckless as Paul Merson in a betting shop? – What if the boot-room boys can’t find the radio clip?


Blairo tells Crooksy, Dour Git and Jug Ears how he scored the winning goal in the 1962 World Cup Final.

The search lasted all of half a second. The tape rolled, the camera zeroed onto Blairo’s throbbing, glistening forehead. He was sweating and –oh my God, he was wearing the notorious grey away kit. Would Motty and the boys be able to pick him out with a long cross-field ball? Fortunately Blairo could be seen for miles, thanks to the massive dark slicks of sweat oozing out from his armpit zones…. What would Fergie have said? Not much probably, I don’t think the former wife of Prince Andrew knows anything about footy kits.

Anyway, the tape droned on. The lady interviewer asked young Blairo who his footy heroes were when he was a kid…. Now this was a critical question. Every kid who has ever been to a footy match will ‘know’ footy players. I went to my first footy game in 1963. Liverpool v Spurs. I can name the full Liverpool footy team that appeared on that day, over 40 years ago – Lawrence, Moran, A’court, Milne, Yeats, Stevenson, Callaghan, Hunt, St John, Melia, Thomson…… I can also name most of the Spurs team – Brown, Jones, Henry, White, Greavse, Blanchflower, Smith, Mackay………

It was 2 nil to Spurs at half time, Liverpool banged in 5 in the second half and ran out winners 5-2. You just do not forget stuff like that – especially when you are a kid. It’s hard-wired into your brain…..

So just who were Blair’s heroes? He admitted to going to watch Newcastle in the ‘60’s on a regular basis. But when asked, he couldn’t name one, not one Newcastle player from that era. Instead, he stumbled and flapped and flanneled. He said he ‘admired’ the players that came after Jackie Milburn – a player of the ‘50’s right up to Malcolm MacDonald – a player of the ‘70’s – and that was it!

As far as I’m concerned that proves it – Blair knows jack about footy. He didn’t have a clue who his ‘idols’ were.

What a bloody fraud – I would have stuck with the ‘I saw Jackie Milburn playing’ lie – and not bother sitting there on the orange sofa listening to all the footy greats of the ‘60’s he couldn’t name…….

Stop Press – Tony Blair to appear on BBC ‘Holiday’ programme to ‘set the record straight’ about the scurrilous story that young rebel and Fidel Castro admirer, Tony Blair stowed away on a plane to Cuba – but ended up in Mexico instead, saga.

BBC busily editing tape to conclusively show that Tony specifically said that he did not stowaway, anywhere…

Email to Customer Services at Ottakar’s / WH Smith / Waterstones

Hello,

I notice you are stocking ‘The Angry Island’ by AA Gill.
Can you tell me, do I find it under ‘R’ for Racist or ‘B’ for Bigot?

"Yes, I like the English – but I wouldn’t want to father one of them"……

Another example arose this week of a Scot living, working, making a tonne of cash in England – but when push comes to push s-l-o-w-l-y, he’ll be heading north, with his wife, just so his kid will be born in Scotland.

John Gordon Sinclair, he of ‘80’s Brit flick movie, ‘Gregory’s Girl’ and the old Tesco adverts has got a charter plane on stand-by somewhere in the South East of England.

His Missus is expecting a bundle of joy any day now – and rather than do the right thing and get her booked into the local hospital in London – he wants the kid to be born a Scots-person. OK, I can accept that, I suppose, - but if he wants the kid to be Scottish then why not take a few months off, move up to Edinburgh and book in at a city hospital there then? Sinclair’s loaded isn’t he?

Can’t do that though. Sinclair is making too much money starring in the West End musical - ‘The Producers’. So when the waters break and JGS gets the panicky ‘phone call, I hope the taxi, the pilot, the plane dash, the taxi at the other end and the 500 mile trip will all be worth it.

I wonder what Mrs JGS thinks – and if it’s a boy, will they call him ‘Mel’ in memory of Scotland’s greatest hero?

The letter in full......

A couple of people have emailed me asking if I would post the full unedited letter, partly published in yesterday's Sunday Times. The paper published bits of paras 1 and 4 - but that doesn't matter because the general response by outraged English people to Gill's article was just superb.

AA Gill’s ‘Gerald Ratner moment’…..

AA Gill’s piece on why he hates England and the English was some of the most verbally incontinent rubbish I’ve ever read. Almost cartoon in it’s caricature – it reminded me of Captain Mainwaring in Dad’s Army warning his platoon they could always spot a German spy because he would look surly, have a curled lip and his eyes would be too close together! What happened to objectivity? The standard of Gill’s reasoning was so low as to be off the scale. Where has he been living - on the Planet Vitriol? Oh no, he’s been making a fantastic wedge in good old Blighty – and then he insults us!

If this article is typical of the rest of Gill’s book, then I’ll pass. I don’t fancy reading anything else from this repressed bigot. Honestly, the standard of writing is barely above that of ‘Janet and John. I’m absolutely amazed he got the thing published in the first place – and frankly flabbergasted The Sunday Times have agreed to serialise such small-minded crud.

It really is a dumb marketing strategy don’t you think! You can only imagine the discussion in the editorial office of The Sunday Times "I know, I’ve got a great idea, let’s insult 85% of our UK readership! Let’s say that the English are rubbish – well, what harm can it do?"

Answer? Plenty. I‘m a proud man of England and I am getting heartily fed up of being ruled by a Scottish Raj. Heartily fed up of being busy-bodied by an obedient clack of Scottish Labour MPs forcing through English-only legislation (Foundation hospitals and Tuition fees for example), even though their own constituents, courtesy of the Scottish Parliament are free of such vindictive laws. Heartily fed up of being the only country in Europe without a national Parliament. But I’m especially fed up with being routinely insulted by a long line of Scottish and Welsh bore-mongers. I somehow cannot imagine Gill being allowed to, or even contemplating writing a piece entitled ‘I hate Israel’ or ‘I hate Pakistan’ – but if you’re English? Well, it’s open season, obviously.

The points he raised to ‘justify’ his bizarre hatred of the English include such breathtaking gems as ‘If the English didn’t queue, they’d be killing each other’. Not content with this stunningly inept assertion, he embarrassingly digs himself further into a hole with his ‘50 ways the English say sorry without actually meaning it’ comment. What is he talking about? Forensic and analytical it is not. Petty, vindictive and ignorant, it most certainly is.

For AA’s benefit, I’ve thought of another ‘sorry’ to put in his ‘bumper book of disingenuous sorrys from genuine Englishmen’ ….. Sorry Mr Gill, but your conclusions are childish, vulgar and just plain wrong - my 15 year old kid would construct a more convincing argument! The coup de grace in this whistle stop rummage into the English psyche is that apparently, we poor English are all so ‘angry’. Not a nice, comfy type of honest anger you understand, oh no. Ours is much worse, we have a nasty, surly, repressed ‘English’ type of anger.

I assure you AA, we are not angry – just fed up with people constantly rubbishing our country, whilst you and your ilk begrudgingly live within our midst and reap the benefits – and at the same time despise us as a nation. Meanwhile, your watery eyed, Rob-Roy rosy romantic vision of where you think you come from remains intact – courtesy of a dodgy Mel Gibson film and the enormous chip the size of Ben Nevis on your shoulder. .

Even the picture graphic fell into line in supporting Gill’s clichéd fantasia of England. Chavish thug with clenched fist smirking through a St George’s flag montage. What a stereotypical joke!

I’ve taken the Sunday Times for over 30 years – and quite frankly am reviewing whether I take it in the future. I really will not pay to be insulted with such a pathetically juvenile and ill-conceived piece of written drivel. I really do hope that Gill has just had a ‘Gerald Ratner’ moment, because this chippy, nastily racist and arrogantly self-centred little Scotlander deserves everything he gets.

Yours etc, etc.

Awards Ceremony - Increasing English Awareness catagory

And this year’s prize for doing more for English Nationalism than any one else goes to…..

A.A.Gill.

The Sunday Times rang me today. They’re going to use some of my letter, written in a frenzied anger on Sunday afternoon. They said that they could not print all the rant – just a couple of paragraphs. The reason they gave? Apparently, they’d been overwhelmed by indignant English people writing in to complain. In fact, the woman on the phone couldn’t remember when such a response had been as great….

A.A. Gill, my little chippy pal, you deserve a medal.

The Emperor says – "Give it to her"…. And lo, suddenly she is given it…

Good old Tony Blair, what a guy!
St Tone was up in my neck of the woods yesterday, accompanied by a few loaves and a couple of fishes, pressing the flesh, righting wrongs and looking for a Lazarus to resurrect (so what’s new?).

At the end of the day, he went to the BBC Manchester studios for an interview with pleasant, bumbling political reporter, Jim Hancock. Now, there has been a bit of a kuffuffle in the North West lately. The BBC local news programme, Look Northwest has been doing a bit of championing on behalf of a poor local woman who is suffering from breast cancer.

She asked her local health authority if she could have the new wonder drug ‘Herceptin’. ‘They’ being an English health Trust, and consequently having no cash to spare, refused to give her the drug. They fell back onto the fatuous argument that it hadn’t yet been cleared by ‘NICE’ – the Government drug agency for England…….. This is a thinly disguised excuse for not telling her it was too expensive.

All week, the programme has been following this woman’s increasingly desperate attempts to get the Trust to cough up. On Thursday night, we were treated to the grotesque mini drama of her at home, waiting by the phone for some health nazi to give her the thumbs up, or more likely, the thumbs down.

She waited and waited, the phone rang,some jobsworth was on from the Trust - ‘they were sorry but the Trust had decided they could not, on this occasion be bothered to stump up the cash’. They used as their excuse that those nice people at NICE hadn’t given it the ‘all clear’.

This woman was gutted. The health nazi said she could lodge an appeal if she wanted to. She said she would. I sort of got the impression that if they’d have said stand on one leg, pirouette and bark like a dog and then we’ll give it to you – she would have done it - and it had about as much dignity.

To be honest, I was really shocked, I cringed. Is that what we are reduced to? Begging on the telly for a drug. The very same drug, freely available in Scotland – for they don’t have such problems on funding – and hence no problems giving lame excuses about not having had clearance yet as per their English counterparts.

Anyway, back to the Tony Blair interview….
Jim Hancock started to tackle him about this Manchester woman. The problems in getting the drugs, the injustice of it all…. Suddenly, Princess Tony agreed. Suddenly, Blair had found his potential Lazarus. Hand signs set to ‘rapid.’ Facial expressions set to ‘honest John’. Voice set to 'high pitched hysterical', Tony was in his element. A just cause to hunt down – and Blunkett consigned to history.

"Of course" whined Tony "Of course this woman should get ‘Herceptin’. It’s only right and proper that her local Trust should supply her with the drug immediately"…..

And yea, verily, a bright light shone off St Tony’s bonce, and it was done. Within 10 minutes, the health nazi had rung the woman……. And hey, guess what? Money, drugs, clinic appointment and a fast delivery van had just been found under an old packet of humbugs…….

So next time you're ill. Just make sure you have a double dose of Honest Tone's - 'Blair's Patent Tincture' handy.

Eh up – there’s a bollocking on t’way for Prezza….

Later this week, two government agencies are publishing a joint report on John Prescott’s plans to concrete over the South East of England.

The Report from The Countryside Agency and English Nature are expected to give Prescott’s sustainable housing plans the thumbs down – and that’s putting it mildly. Word is they think no actual ‘planning’ has gone into the proposals. Words like ‘savaged’ are being bandied about – and apparently they’ve ‘rubbished’ Prescott’s plans to build the houses and 67 road schemes in the area……

I can’t bloody wait to read it. Pressure, pressure, pressure Johnny!!!!….

Is it because I is English?

Well, now you come to mention it, yes!

The very first thing I’ve done this morning, before my cuppa and before I’ve opened and binned the 148 weekend emails for drugs, loans, an extra 3 inches on my old man and myriad Viagra offers in my ‘in box’, before all that…… I’ve put an official complaint to Trevor Phillips’ lot at the CRE. I’ve cited a prat of a Sunday Times columnist, whose name sounds like a brand of battery, for aggravated racial incitement.

After all, if they can censure Anne Robinson for saying that the Welsh are a bit glum, or Kilroy-Silk for his infamous Daily Express piece on the Muslim World, then this git must surely be heading for the Tower.

Why? Readers of yesterday’s post or yesterday’s Sunday Times will know the reason……

AA Gill, Sunday Times columnist, food critic and pal of Jeremy Clarkson has finally come out. He was born in Edinburgh, but was brought south to England when he was still a baby. He has spent the last 50 years living, breeding, earning a bloody good crust and imparting his special brand of sarcastic sciterati on my morning breakfast table every Sunday.

I’ve never liked the man. Arrogant, smug and snooty, I always thought of him as a bit repressed, a bit of a cold fish – a Deeside salmon maybe? I knew he was Scottish, and I knew he had a public school education – so when he ‘came out’ in yesterday mornings ‘paper, I was half expecting him to say how he’d fallen in love with Gordon Brown.

But no, a much easier target for Gill’s vitriol was staring at me in black and white across two full pages in the ‘Review’ section yesterday.

Gill declared he hated me, my wife, my kids, my dear old 83 year old Mum and 50 odd million other souls. Our collective crime? Being born English, of course…..

Amongst a whole heap of other things, Gill hates the way I queue, hates the way I laugh (something to do with sneering at others apparently), hates the way I say ‘sorry’ (all to do with saying ‘sorry’, but not actually meaning it)

But most of all, Gill hates my ‘English anger’- apparently, he reckons that ‘anger’ makes us English people ‘ugly’. Well, I know there’s some right old scroats and visually challenged Hilda Baker and Arthur Mullard types in good old Blighty – but what’s new? Ugly people inhabit all of the world - and, Gill, you're no 'Monarch of the Glen' yourself, bud.

He hates my aggressive, negative, bellicollic, teeth-grinding and all-round angst. He hates the fact that I and the rest of my family - and indeed, the whole English nation for that matter, just aren’t too‘happy’ about things….

Well, you’re damn right there double A. Is he having a laugh or what? You just do not get it double A, do you? We’re all much more pissed off more than angry really, pissed off with our English lives being run by a Scottish McMafia, Scottish Raj and Scottish Artizania.

But I’m personally particularly pissed off when finding out that a sneering Scottish twat, who makes a privileged living in this country, makes a small fortune with his crappola articles and then tells his readers what a bunch of tossers he thinks they all are. Maybe it’ll come back to bite him. Maybe he’s just had a bit of a Gerald Ratner moment?….. I do hope so.

But the best thing is – there’s even more of this anti English shite in next week’s Sunday Times. Next week, Gill is writing about ‘alcohol and the English’. The articles are from a book that Gill has written called ‘The Angry Island’ – be sure to leave it off your Christmas stocking lists.

And finally…. while we’re on the subject of ‘hating’ things….
I hate the way that the English people are prepared to actually take a two page, broadsheet broadside from a failed novelist and all round snob. And the only reason this tosser has written it is his belief that the English race are so damned downtrodden and Pavlovian-brainwashed as to not even stir from our Raj induced, intravenous habit of guilt, of propaganda, of slumber.

Time to wake up.

If you haven't yet read this juvenile drivel in yesterday's Sunday Times - be my guest

This man hates England - shock.

Posh Scottish columnist with an English accent, A.A. Gill has declared that he hates England and the English. This arrogant man - a man who has lived in this country for all but 1 of his 50 odd years - and has made a fortune out of his serial dismissals of various 'sad cases' apparently hates us for queuing, hates for the way we laugh, hates us for the way we are all so angry!!!

If you want to read this drivel in today's Sunday Times - be my guest

I can barely hide my contempt for this idiot. The keys are tapping away - and I'll expand more in tomorrow's post...

Wonko - for God's sake, make this tosser, 'twat of the week'.......

Did you see it, did you hear it – on the telly?

My very own email was read out by the new sexy lady on today's BBC 2 edition of 'The Daily Politics'. She read every single bit out – except the last line about us having an English Parliament, obviously.

Cerebral Scottish growler, Andrew Neil himself said after the email was read out that the protests about Scottish MPs meddling in English only affairs will grow and grow.

Email in full……

Dear Mr Neil,

I see the smoking ban bill for England has been diluted to accommodate objections from John Reid, a Scottish Minister with a Scottish Constituency....

No problems for HIS constituents though - the Scottish Parliament are expected to have a watertight smoking ban in their country by 2006.
Reid should mind his own business.

Same old story, a Scottish MP with a Scottish Constituency meddling in another country's affairs.

England MOST DEFINITLY needs an ENGLISH Parliament.

Yours, etc, etc....

I feel as if I've just scored a goal at Wembley!!!!!

STOP PRESS 1......

English population has perfect eyesight - SHOCK

Well, we must have – right? Otherwise, we’d have the same eye care services as our northern cousins wouldn’t we? What am I talking about? Here’s a clue from a Scottish Executive source "It really will put Scotland some way ahead of the rest of the country. It is a ground-breaking agreement"

Read the full sorry story here

Those that are short of time can get the gist from this -
Scotland to get most comprehensive eye care policy in UK
Policy demanded by Liberal Democrats in 2003 coalition deal.

Racism, alive and well and living in the UK, courtesy of the LibDems.

STOP PRESS 2........

Scottish Minister shoves nose into ‘Ban on Smoking in Public Places - in England, Bill’ – SHOCK

The Cabinet are hastily rearranging the wording – in order to make the Bill a bit more palatable to a couple of affronted Government Ministers. Not a total ban any more, ‘loosely defined designated areas’ for smokers are favoured by the rebels. The ‘Sealed rooms for smokers’ option is to be stubbed out in the ash tray.

One of the most vociferous protesters is non other than our old Glaswegian McBovver Boy and reformed raiser of hell, ‘Doctor’ John Reid.

Rabid Doctor John, baldy git and pointy fingered nosey bastard.

Yes, Doctor John reckons that a total ban on smoking in public places (in England) outright is to infringe the rights of decent, working class people – and deprive them of one of their few pleasures in life.

Just a couple of points here John –
1) You’re Scottish, representing a Scottish Constituency – so mind your own damn business. If you want to mouth off, then do it in the Scottish Parliament. They’ve obviously already debated this and decided on a total ban in Scotland – to be enforced in the next few years.
2) I watched my Dad drowning to death in a sea of phlegm and bloody yellow bile, courtesy of lung cancer, courtesy of Old Holborn – so shove your civil liberties up your sanctimonious arse.
3) This issue – and whether THIS COUNTRY bans smoking or not, is a matter for people of England and no one else. Got it?

Time for a bit of martyrdom?

Hereward the ill is going to collect his prescription tomorrow from the quack. He will give it to his eldest Son to present to his local Boots. By doing this – said Son will be able to say that his Dad will pay for the goods when he comes in to collect.

When the medicine is slapped on the counter, Aitch will pull out a nice crisp five pound note. Aitch will then tell the bint behind the counter that he is not prepared to pay the full English prescription price of £6.50p – but will gladly pay the Welsh equivalent of £5……

No doubt, they’ll refuse to give Aitch the stuff until he stumps up the extra £1.50p….. which he most definitely will not do.

No problem, seeds will have been sown – and he’ll get better, eventually…

He will have made a bit of a scene – and told everyone who is prepared to listen of the health racism being widely practised within the various parts of the UK. He will also have told them of the commitment for every person in Wales to qualify for free prescriptions by 2007. By then, no doubt the English equivalent will have topped seven quid……

Unless there are a few more martyrs about?

Today, England expects.......

an English Parliament.

Pretty please apologies… The new fashion accessory.

Reading Wonko’s take on Liverpool’s grovelling apology to the downtrodden Welsh nation, I thought that I should demand a few apologies for this

And this….

And this….

And this is the way some of them think…

People of Wales – the entire world is not against you….. lighten up a bit - take the chips off your shoulders.

LibDemons. The spawn of the Devil

Further to the pathetic reply from Vince Cable, I resolved to ring his boss, the whisky-soaked ginger muffin, to demand an explanation and abject apology for Cable’s outrageous ‘English Nationalist’ smear.

I rang the Westminster home for Scottish Rajanistas....

Unfortunately, Chaz was ‘unavailable’ (pissed / hungover / selling soul to P.R devil / sucking up to Prescott / at offy getting a take away). So I asked for Gurpreet Dosanjh, Kennedy’s senior correspondence go-fer, P.A. man and the guy who knows where all the local Thresher offies are situated around the Commons. He’s sounds like a nice man – almost reasonable, for a toady. He agreed that Cable’s reply was far from comprehensive. He said he’d get another reply to me – maybe even from Chaz, himself. I feel blessed, indeed!

We were getting on OK-ish….. OK that is, until we trod on the testy subject of the LibDem view on ‘Nations and Regions’ of the UK.

To be honest, Gurpreet didn’t seem to know his countries from his arse. Geoggers wasn’t his strong point, he just couldn’t bring himself to agree that England was a country in it’s own right – just like Scotland.

No, Gurpreet reckoned Scotland was a country and so was Wales, obviously. – And England? All regions apparently. Gurpreet wasn’t at home to any subversive chat like a national government for England – or self-determination for the English. Every time I raised it, he told me "The LibDems were committed to local government, like the Scottish Parliament for instance – and Regional assemblies for England"….

And anyway, he continued, "Scotland was culturally different from England". He body swerved the question about an English culture, preferring instead to proclaim the success of the Scottish Parliament as a victory for Proportional Representation. When asked why not an English Parliament voted in by that same P.R. system, Kennedy’s yes man stated that "P.R. in England would upset the current political status quo within this collection of regions"…

I didn’t say anything else – I couldn’t be bothered. What’s the point?

Sometimes, sometimes, I really do feel I live in a madhouse, full to the brim of ignorant, thick, bootlicking arses who add 2 + 2 together and after carefully considering all options, propose a 3 nations + 9 regions answer.

It really is going to be a long, hard road to national recognition.

Media savvy....

Someone has sent me a useful link to a site for finding media contacts throughout the UK. It is called Media UK

Dr Vincent Cable. A compelling case for a smack in the squirrel nutkins.

After a very long wait of over 3 weeks, the good Doctor Cable has managed, at last to wrestle with his inner self and search the lexicons for just the right amount of political puissance and produce a complex, in-depth, high quality and well thought out response to my email.

Sorry, exaggerated a bit there. Vince was probably a bit rushed as Coronation Street had a bumper double episode bundle on the telly last night – so you’d expect a bit of a precis job on the reply, wouldn’t you?

This is the drivel he sent me –

Dear Mr. The-Wake,

Thank you for your letter concerning English nationalism.

I, and the Liberal Democrats, have argued consistently in favour of devolution, in order to distribute governmental power more fairly. We have argued for elected regional government in England.

Nationalism calls for independence, which is not something that I support for England.

I value the collective multiple identity from which we benefit in the UK. Nationalism is not the same as devolution, and it is in no way hypocritical to support one and criticize the other.

I hope I have answered your concerns.

Dr Vincent Cable MP

Well, you haven’t answered anything have you Vinny mate?
And Vincent, you do know don’t you, that this means war.

First thing tomorrow, I shall be ringing a man I have got to know very well over the past few weeks, and a man who I’m sure will be made up to hear from me again. I refer to Mr Gurpreet Dosanjh, Senior Correspondence Secretary, Office of Charles Kennedy MP.

I absolutely demand a bloody apology, and I assert that you ‘Doctor’ are an utter arse who should be struck off. (Preferably with a baseball bat) I have 7 questions which I would like answering, which should be easy for a brain of a planet politician like you – I list them below…..

This letter was originally sent to Charles Kennedy – as I was absolutely assured of a reply by Kennedy’s staff. After 2 weeks, they sent it off to Cable HQ.

Mr Kennedy,
I really must complain in the strongest possible terms at Vincent Cable’s appallingly inaccurate assertion in his piece on ‘Multiculturalism and Britishness’ via the ‘Demos’ website. I enclose the address here so you can view it if you are not aware of it:
http://www.demos.co.uk/media/pressreleases/multipleidentitiesrelease/

In the article Cable states -"The threat to harmonious social relations in Britain comes from those who insist that multiple identity is not possible: white supremacists, English nationalists, Islamic fundamentalists. This is the opposition and they have to be confronted. An important element in that confrontation is the assertion of a sense of Britishness."

I’d like to inform you that I am an English Nationalist – and I object most strongly to being lumped with ‘white supremacists and Islamic fundamentalists’. What a damn cheek! Who on earth does Mr Cable think he is? What an utterly ignorant and nonsensical thing to say by one of your supposed ‘heavy hitters’.

I really do feel that I should receive an apology from you or Mr Cable for such a bizarre and ill-informed statement. He is saying that because I want the same equal rights for my Country that Scotland and Wales have, then I’m some sort of right wing fascist.

Can you answer the following questions please and number your answers to correspond with my questions – that way, I’ll be sure you have considered my questions properly – and hopefully given considered, in-depth answers.

1) Does Mr Cable include Scottish and Welsh Nationalists in the same bracket as white supremacists and Islamic fundamentalism? And if he does, has he told Alex Salmond that he equates him with being akin to a white supremacist?

2) Why has Mr Cable not mentioned Scots and Welsh Nationalists in the article as well?


3) Don’t you think that the rise in ‘English Nationalism’ is as a result of the people of England being short-changed constitutionally and economically when compared to the other home countries? And don’t you think this is an entirely natural reaction to cynical, constitutional favouritism?

4) If Mr Cable really does think English Nationalism is a wicked and flawed prospectus, please can you tell what differences there are between Scottish, Welsh and English Nationalism?

5) Perhaps Mr Cable was really referring to the British National Party and the National Front? But there’s a problem here isn’t there? The BNP and the NF like to foster a British identity – along with their Union Flags and their bizarre ideas of British values. And ‘Britain’ was the very essence of Cable’s speech. Do you think Mr Cable has got mixed up and doesn’t know the difference between Britain and England? (After all, politicians at Westminster seem to do that a lot)


6) Can you tell me of any democratic constitutional advantage of any kind that the nation of England has enjoyed over the past 8 years? Please bear in mind that over that same period, Assembles and Parliaments galore – and the consequent dream of ‘responsive and responsible Government’ have been set up in the other home countries.

7) As a democrat, I want what everyone else has – as of right the same as the rest of the UK gets. No more, no less. We ALL pay the same tax rates, yet people in Scotland, Wales and N.I. get substantially more per head out of the public purse than do the people of England, don’t you agree?

I’m a former life long Labour voter of over 30 years. My politics are left of centre and I’m thoroughly, thoroughly disillusioned. Scotland and Wales have their own Parliaments – England does not. The people in Westminster spend 80% of their time discussing purely English matters – even those with constituencies in the far North of Scotland. Transport, Health, Foundation hospitals, top-up fees, foisted on us by a clack of Scottish Labour MPs. Free prescriptions in Wales next year and free eye tests in Scotland. Free old persons care in Scotland, free central heating systems installed as of right north of the border also.

All these goodies are obviously not available to English people. No Barnett formula dividend for us – the English taxpayer just pays for it all. Consequently, people in England have the least per head spent on them in Health, Education, Transport, etc, etc.

When people in England ask for a Parliament for themselves, we are looked upon as being just a little bit strange. No, Regional Assemblies, one step up from Parish Councils are the way ahead for us apparently. Except that the people of the N.E. hadn’t read the script and kicked it in the bin where it belonged.

Prescott just COULDN’T give US a NATIONAL referendum on whether WE wanted a national Parliament or not. Instead he tried to chip away, using the area of England that feels most ‘independent’ in a sorry and utterly appalling attempt to get a bandwagon movement rolling. He was, of course aided and abetted by the enthusiastic Lib Dems. What very strange bed-fellows you have.

So England is in a sort of limbo. No National democracy for us is there? 85% of the UK population have no representation at national level. England is the ONLY nation in Europe without a National Parliament – and you great pontificating democrats at Westminster presumably think this status quo is perfectly acceptable. How undemocratic, what arrogance!!!

Even Iraq has a Parliament for goodness sake!

In conclusion, statements of utter ignorance by the likes of Mr Cable just reinforce how out of touch Westminster MPs really are. There are huge injustices within the UK and as supposed Democrats, you and your Party should be absolutely ashamed of your support for a patently undemocratic and unfair system that is loaded against the people of England from cradle to grave.

Can you please forward me an explanation of Mr Cable’s ill informed statement, or better still an abject apology on his behalf. Or even better and more honourable, an apology from him to me personally – I don’t appreciate being called a fascist, nazi, etc by someone who is supposedly intelligent. Well, you wouldn’t would you?

Mr Cable’s comments are both foolish and dangerous, he should retract them immediately and perhaps you should severely censure him for such irresponsibility.

I look forward to your prompt response.

Hoorah for democracy! (I think)

This weekend, Iraq will vote nationwide on a referendum regarding the fiercely negotiated brand spanking new Iraqi Constitution document.

That is good news, isn't it?…. Just a couple of questions though -

If we are the cradle of democracy - and an unwritten constitution is good enough for us, why are they 'making do' with a pen and ink version?

And - what the hell is a ‘referendum’?

Cable – lost his pen, obviously.

OK, I’m still waiting for a reply from bad boy bigot, Vince Cable, for lumping me in with white supremacists and Islamic fundamentalists. Mind you, plenty of fellow complainers have since had from him the standard I too am a proud Englishman….. drivel from his office – but not me. I got in touch with Charles Kennedy’s Westminster office and asked for a personal apology from Chaz himself. I spoke to Kennedy’s P.A. and he profusely apologised for not sending a reply, he would get one off right away.

"Whoa there Tiger", I replied. A standard ‘sorry you were offended, but the phrase was taken out of context’ letter simply would not do. Cable made an outrageous comment – and I require satisfaction. If this were 18th century France, I would be dressed in a frilly shirt, with my faithful Second at my side and tooled up with a pair of duelling pistols demanding satisfaction from that snivelling wretch of a LibDem..

I put 6 questions in my letter – and I’ve asked for every one to be answered - plus an abject apology……

I have a feeling I’ll be waiting quite a long time yet…..

Wanted, the cable guy.

Have you seen this man?
Aliases include 'Vince Bigot, Vince Vance and Vince Mince

Talking to a mate of mine last night, he told me how he had just got back from his local plod shop. The reason? To report Vince Cable, LibDem Treasury spokesman and baldy bigot for his derogatory and inflammatory remarks about English nationalism.

My mate had apparently complained about Mr Cable on an 'incitement to provoke racial hatred' ticket. He produced the original text from Cable's article on the Demos website as Exhibit A. He also had Cable’s stock, sod off written reply to my mate’s complaint - and his final, final ‘bugger off you sad little Englander’ email.

The fuzz have taken down all the particulars – and are probably, even now putting out an A.P.B. on the slap-headed desperado…..

Errr, probably not, but they really should investigate the complaint shouldn’t they? I would have thought it was the very least they could do.

But let’s be honest, they’re probably more likely to investigate my mate for being a dangerous agitator, agent provocateur and all round trouble-maker instead.

Free the Monmouth 1

I had an interesting discussion recently about the ancient county of Monmouthshire, currently residing in the South East corner of Wales. It’s not, strictly speaking, a typically Welsh county – it’s not really Welsh at all.

Monmouthshire was an English Marcher county until 1968 when it was formally absorbed into Wales. Most of its inhabitants have always thought of themselves as being of English extraction. The county town of Monmouth is a quintessentially English town - and the County voted very heavily against a Welsh Assembly in 1997.

As Wikipedia says ‘The modern border between Wales and England is highly arbitrary; it was largely defined in the 16th century, based on medieval feudal boundaries. It has apparently never been confirmed by referendum or reviewed by any Boundary Commission (except to confirm Monmouthshire as part of Wales in 1968).’

So, if we ever do get an English parliament, do you think we should ask for our county back? After all, we’re not talking hundreds of years – the boundary change took place less than 40 years ago.

Maybe we should ask the inhabitants what they would like to do?

Kilroy was not here......

Amongst the ‘Fox eats chickens’ and ‘Hitler was a psychopath’ stories in yesterday’s papers was this little article in the Sunday Times.

It explains how the great egotist, Robert Kilroy Silk, ex MP, ex TV host, ex UKIP man and ex Veritas leader has been ‘milking’ the European MEP gravy train for all its worth. This in spite of the fact he never, ever attends the European parliament at Strasbourg.....

Just goes to prove the old adage - power corrupts, but tanning salons, monstrous egos and dodgy comb-overs corrupt absolutely….

Democracy Day needs you!

It's ‘Double D for Democracy Day’ on the Biased Broadcasting Corporation's The Politics Show. Join presenter Jon Sopel for a Democracy Day Special on Sunday 16 October 2005 at Noon on BBC One.

The Politics Show is mounting a special programme examining and questioning many aspects of our changing democracy throughout the UK.

They will report on how the government hopes to move on from its failed devolution plans in the north of England, steering a course towards the possible establishment of self-governing city regions…….

p.s. – They want to hear what you think about the Government's failed democracy agenda in England – so let ‘em have it with both barrels.(And a couple of howitzers)……

Sheep with no brain, no guts, no principles and no mandate, returns to fold….

After a dizzying Summer of freedom from Prescott’s North West Regional Assembly (or NWRA for short), Lancashire County Council have ceased gambolling about in the clover field of democracy and decided to rejoin the unelected, non representative and deeply unpopular, NWRA flock.

Apparently the Assembly has been revamped, sexed up and had a bit of a Tommy Walsh makeover. So much so, that the bright gleaming Assembly HQ or ‘Nearly Democracy Ivory Towers’ has presented an irresistible ‘come on’ to my dumb-arsed County Council.

The reason given is quite startling. In fact it’s bloody unbelievable. To be honest, I find the cold hand of Prezza and the threat of a big jar of mint sauce behind the Council’s decision to rejoin the quango.

Mutton dressed as lamb County Council Leader, Hazel Harding is clearly made up. She cited the reason for rejoining was because it followed significant changes to the Assembly which will make it more streamlined and accountable.

Accountable to who then? John Prescott, obviously.

Regional Assembly Chairman, John Joyce looked as pleased as a Welshman with a new pair of wellies as he welcomed the wayward lamb back into the NWRA flock.


The new ‘accountability’ branding of the NWRA means wholesale changes. Oh yes, we’re all drowning in a democratic overdose up here. A new, streamlined, 18 person Assembly Board has been created, including leading decision-makers from the public and private sector.

Their first meeting is on October 10th. I have a feeling; the first item on the agenda is to issue new dictionaries to everyone in the North West with a revised definition of the word ‘Accountable’.

‘Accountable’ adj 1Accountable to no one. 2Metamorphosis of sheep to pigs - in trough, pigs in clover, pigs in denial. Collective noun, An assembly of unelected pigs. See also Politbureau

Seeing their HQ is only a spit away from where I live, I might just try and gate crash the party. Does anyone know if there is a public gallery in these dens of iniquity, or don’t I qualify?

I’ll be ringing all parties to question them about this shameful U-turn. I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, the whole sorry story is here



>BBC ‘Question Time’ broadcasts without your truly…..

David Dimbleby chaired the programme of Auntie’s flagship Q&A output last night from Manchester. Yet again, the programme went out without me in the audience to ask the questions that no one wants to answer.

I’ve applied to be in the audience each time the show has been in the North West - by phone and email for years – and hey, guess what? Zilcho success. Maybe I don’t fit the right demographic? ’Middle aged white guy with crap pension and a mega chip on shoulders from Lancashire’ is hardly going to excite a sushi eating, Notting Hill liberal, BBC researcher. It’s well known that the BBC over-egg the audience mix on Question Time. Most broadcasts are shamefully weighted and shamefully over represented towards some groups and not others. Maybe, they know my politics – maybe they know I’m a bit gobby. Maybe they know I’m not from the right group of people that are habitually seen on the show?

However, on last night’s episode, there was a real gem of a moment. Pompous Scot and New Labour Minister for Europe, Douglas Alexander was called a "little twit" by brain of a planet historian, David Starkey. In fact, Starkey was the only panellist who said it like it was all night. Especially when the issue of that breast cancer drug that I can’t spell being freely available in Scotland, but not in England. And how it’s taken a cancer sufferer to appeal to the courts, in order to get ‘NICE’ to cough up…. And that was brought up by a member of the audience, for God’s sake

The no-nothing, instantly forgettable Scottish LibDem MP panellist (at 25 years old, the youngest in Westminster) and Duggie Alexander expressed almost comical surprise and panic-blathered a bit. They didn’t ’think’ it was freely available in Scotland….. No, they were almost sure it wasn’t. Starkey burst into sarcastic laughter and proclaimed that thanks to New Labour, Scotland was a totally separate country doing bloody well out of the status quo anyway – so they’ll definitely have it. He was about to educate the mushroom audience of specially selected fungii as to what the Barnett formula really meant.

Euro Minister, Duggie looked a bit panicky, the smoke and mirror strategy was looking a bit flaky. The sh1t was arcing it’s way towards the fan… Fortunately, before this dangerous mole from the audience, could do any more damage, ace master of flannel and avoider of all things too political, David Dimbleby jumped in to go onto another question….

Unfortunately, that next question was about Tory leadership candidate, Liam Wassisname and his Union Flag flying from every British school project. Sorry, Union Flag flying from every English school project, because the Welsh and the Scots have been specially dispensated to fly their own…..

The Editor of the London Evening News expressed distaste at the very thought of it – she reckoned it was a slippery slope to fascism. Francis Maude, chair of the Tory Party, said how proud it would make him feel for every school to fly the flag no matter where they came from. He qualified this statement by saying that everyone in this country comes from immigrant stock, he gave examples of the Jutes, Angles and Saxons coming over from Europe.

It’s funny, but ‘they’ always say that, don’t they? They always quote ‘Jutes, Angles and Saxons’ as examples of mass immigration – as if it happened yesterday. They never include ‘Picts’ or ‘Celts’ do they? For they too are immigrants – originally coming from the Middle East.

See you there?

On Saturday, I will be at the English Democrats AGM in London. Anyone else going? If so, I’ll see you there. (You’ll know me, I’ll be wearing a St George’s flag in my lapel)…

English = Racist, apparently.

Anne Owers, Chief Inspector for Prisons, hang your head in shame, you bigoted old witch, for what your report says about my national flag. Read on and weep to discover why she made prison officers in Wakefield Prison remove their St George’s flag tie pins (bought to support a local cancer charity) for fear of the flag being "Misinterpreted as a racist symbol"…

Anne Owers, you are as ignorant as they come - and if anyone should be banged up, it should be you.

Talking Turkey……

Two things struck me last week about Turkey’s attempt to enter the EU. It says everything about where we are as a Country, at this moment in time.

On Wednesday, the U.S. State Department let it be known that Turkey’s full membership of the E.U. was an absolute imperative. Bringing them into western democracy would, as they see it, strike a blow against fundamentalism. To deny them entry into the club would, to quote a State official be "An absolute disaster"……

On Thursday, Princess Tony gave an interview to a Turkish newspaper. When asked what he thought about Turkey joining the Union, Blair, by now, fully briefed on what to think by Washington, said "To deny Turkey entry into the European Union would be an absolute disaster"…..

I wonder who’s hand is up who’s jacksy?
Come to think of it – there really are some striking similarities between Blair and Archie Andrews……

Institutional racism rears it’s tartan head…….

Over the weekend, Aitch, via his mouse and hard drive has had a bit of a clear out. After a bit of digital delving he found a few letters of righteous indignation to the Scottish Raj, and a few, very simple easy to understand, Janet and John type pictograms sent to John Prescott. (mostly suggesting where Prezza should shove his agenda).

Anyway, in the dark recesses of one of my soon-to-be-deleted files, I found this little ‘anyone but the English, Welsh or Northern Irish’, gem. It’s part of a student fee guidance document from the University of Edinburgh. "Full-time students domiciled, as defined by the Student Awards Agency for Scotland (SAAS), in Scotland or in other European Union countries outside the United Kingdom, will not be required to make a personal contribution towards the costs of their annual tuition if they are studying at publicly funded institutions in Scotland for the first time. The Scottish Executive will pay all such tuition fees through SAAS".

Well that’s OK then. Apparently, the good old SAAS will pick up the tab for everyone except students from Wales, Northern Ireland and England……

But wait! Assemblies to the rescue! Look, it’s OK, don’t worry about those Uni’ bods from Wales and Northern Ireland – those guys will get financial support from their own Governmental organisations, won’t they?

So that just leaves plucky, unlucky, skint English students to stump up the cash….

Is it coz we is English?

Blair ignores Aitch ..... (again).

Tony Blair didn’t actually answer my question about the need for an English Parliament during his Q&A session with Eddie Izzard on Monday night. (Now there’s a surprise)

However,

The great smiley one has sent me another email.It says –

"There is another chance to ask me a question later today when Tessa Jowell and I will be online for a live web-chat and between us we will be taking your questions and comments from 6.00pm until 7.20pm.

If there is one issue you would like to raise with me, this is your opportunity by logging onto here"

Yours,

Your most omnipotent and glorious leader,

Tony Blair.


Oh well, call me a glutton for punishment, but I’ll give it another go. I’ll email my question to him again.

I’ve been thinking again….

In bed to be precise. Occasionally, I indulge in a bit of power thinking when I’m ‘in-between-states’, in-between the sheets. I find it the best time to do my thinking, no distractions, no telly, no nooky…. (but that’s another story).

It’s that state, just between sleep and consciousness where things suddenly come ‘as clear as day’…. I can analyse, follow things through to a logical conclusion – and generally solve my own problems. Tony Blair should try it sometime instead of sleepwalking through his Premiership.

Anyway, as I was saying, my latest bit of power thinking threw up a sort of odd conundrum.

I’ll explain.

It’s all to do with complaining – and who to go to.

If I want to complain, say about some crappy service in my local hospital, or a hole in the road outside my house – I’ll go, as a last resort to my local MP. (A very last resort because my MP is bloody rubbish). I bet most constituency surgeries are full to the brim with complaints and queries about Health, Transport and Education. What do you think is the total time taken on these three subjects in a typical English MP’s surgery and letter enquiries? What percentage would it be? Pretty high, I’ll bet.

I reckon the only other stuff an MP gets is complaints about the war in Iraq, making poverty history and wanting to punch Tony Blair in the gob…… in other words, international or leadership issues.

So, the domestic trinity of Health, Education and Transport must take up most MPs time I reckon. Add to that a smidge of pension moaning and a dollop of council tax indignation and there you have it – an MP’s ‘in box’.

But What if I lived in Scotland? Who would I go to if wanted to have a chat about any one of the domestic trinity? My Member of the Scottish Parliament of course because the Scottish Executive has responsibility for most domestic stuff in Scotland. Would I also moan to them about the Iraq war and world poverty? Possibly.

So while I’m moaning about this Health issue, that Transport problem and the fact that my kid isn’t being taught Scottish history in school to my very own MSP, what the hell is my Westminster version doing? (You know, the one that costs around half a mill a year each once ‘exees’ have been taken into consideration).

And that’s where the virtue of power thinking comes in. After much doze-zone musing, I reckon the only thing left for Scottish MPs to do, with their surgeries in stasis and their in-trays incommunicado is to busy body into other people’s lives.

No prizes for guessing which people are on the receiving end then…….

I feel a letter writing frenzy coming on…….

The McDauphin speaks at Brighton....

Couldn’t help noticing that the McDauphin, Gordon Brown in his speech to conference this morning stated the following – "I will make it my business this next year to visit every region and every nation of the country…."

Now what regions and nations are those then, Gordon?

Power to the people….

On ‘Trevor McDonald Tonight’ on ITV at 8:00pm is a programme all about protesting about stuff being built in communities that do not want them. You know what the usual ‘stuff’ is - 4 million ‘sustainable’ homes, requisite infrastructure, motorways, incinerators, etc, etc. It highlights the current ways to complain, what to do for maximum effect and how to foil the developer – and the politician.

I should watch it if I were you.

Welcome to Prescott-in-the-Mire - a suitable case for demolition.

Can you believe it? It’s happened again! Jonah Prescott, Minister of Mayem, Meddling and Mischief has cocked something else up. The utterly incompetent, utterly ignorant, utterly stupid fat control freak has presided over another total waste of time, effort and money.

Oh yes, lots and lots of money.

I refer, of course to Jonny’s very own pet ‘Pathfinder’ project. Sweeping away old, perfectly fine, perfectly well built Victorian and Edwardian houses in the North of England and replacing them with crap. Lots and lots of modern crap. Houses that will last only 50 years, tops. Houses with paper thin walls, built on the cheap by New Labour cronies; houses with no sense of community – that’s all been bulldozed.

Us ooooop-northerners always knew it was a bogus proposition – the usual rule of Prescott’s flabby thumb is the sexier the project title, the crappier the idea – and ‘Pathfinder’ is a pretty sexy word, ergo the idea is shite. Anything with Prescott’s name on it is bound to be so.

The whole premise of Pathfinder is to replace supposedly ancient, jerry-built slum dwellings in Northern inner cities with fab, new, modern, jerry built slums, using the building skills of Prescott’s developer mates – who are all known by the name of ‘Jerry’…..

To get ‘Operation Pathfinder’ up and running, Prescott, has been rather undemocratically busily buying up, via his compulsory purchase rubber stamp, whole streets in Liverpool and other northern cities. The clever men at the Ministry agreed to pay the going rate for the ‘slums’. I assume they thought the price would be around a bag of beans and a couple of free condoms ……… And that’s the problem.

Due to the property boom, the build quality of the housing stock and the attractive and stable community location, people just cannot get enough of living in slumland.

Kelvin Grove could be, just could be Prescott’s Pathfinding Waterloo. Some houses in the road have been valued at as much as 180 grand. One hundred and eighty grand for a slum? That means to buy the whole street will cost, not John Prescott, but us mug taxpayers, three and a half million quid!

The phrase ‘John Prescott is a Responsible politician’– is an oxymoron. Why? Because Prescott is a moron and has something of the bovine about him, obviously…… Prescott is not responsible, he’s an idiot, but an idiot with real and dangerous levels of power. The sooner he’s committed to a padded cell and ensconced in a cast iron straight jacket, the better.

Thick as a brick

Tony Blair’s biographer, Dr Anthony Sheldon says that the great leader is not the gung-ho cerebral psychopath that everyone thinks he is. Basically, Blair is a bit of an intellectual weather vane (or is that ‘vain’?) – pushed around by all and sundry – including Bill Clinton, Dubbya and Rupert Murdoch.

Dr Sheldon describes Blair as being a ‘weak man with no clear principles or ideas’ "He doesn’t have the intellectual apparatus" commented Sheldon. "He’s not an intellectual, He’s not capable of constructing a coherent platform himself"

Yes, this news is a real ‘water is wet’ type of story. Doc, mate, everyone in the entire world knows just what a vain, no brain puppy dog duffer he really is. That’s what makes him so very dangerous. He’ll do anything to please others, he’ll do anything to show how macho-sincere he is.

All Dubbya has to do to get him to roll over at his feet is to promise him a pair of authentic cowboy boots and a real Texican stetson.... (and a bonio, possibly).

Anointy nointy nointy, your pencil's very pointy.

This week’s New Labour seaside extravaganza at Brighton will see the main man with two brains (pea and no),Tony Blair name his successor.

Emperor Tiberius Blairium will anoint his extra special pen-pushing pal, Gordon Brown, Son of Ebeneezer & Prudence as the McDauphin in waiting.

It’s not about Labour Party voting in a new leader any more. It’s grooming favourites, bestowing gifts & favours to a fellow dour Scottish Raj club member. Tone has given Brown the imperial purple handkerchief – his destiny is assured. Will anyone in the Labour Party do an Eric Heffer, Ian Mikado or even a Dennis Skinner and actually raise a point of order – or even an eyebrow at the arrogance, the effrontery and the imperialist manner of the intended succession?

Oooh no, I shouldn’t think so – they’ll be too busy munching grass, wondering where the sheepdog is – and when the big van is coming to take them to the abattoir.

Friday’s caption competition…

Using your skill and judgement, what do you think geordie footy meister Sir Bob Robson is saying to the plastic geordie fraud Tony Blair?

The winner will win a very thin volume of Tony Blair’s footy tactics book – ‘Blair with Flair’ and a tube of extra strength horse liniment….

I’ll get the ball rolling –

Robson: "I fucking hate you Blair, you’re a crap number 10".
Blair "Let me stay in your holiday villa and I’ll forgive you"…

Update on the student chat…

I met my student contact in the Ring o’ Bells pub last night. The talk is on at the college – my subject is English Nationalism, and I’m raring to go. The audience? About 125 bods that’s bloody all! My stint will be some time near Christmas, just in front of some no-mark called Jack, Man o Straw. Should be interesting…..

Dear Tone, I think you're fab, can I have your baby?

In my role as a secret double agent (codename ‘sludge gut’), Matt Carter, general secretary of Noo Labour has sent me an email. He’s asking me "as a New Labour supporter" if I would like to ask the great smiley bloke a question – to be included in his ‘Trust me, I’m a regular kinda guy road-show’ at next weeks party conference.

Being a gobby, gossipy kinda double agent, I thought I would share this chance to ask the great leader any question you like. I’ve already sent off my questions, loosely based around English Parliaments, back handed holidays, the Scottish Raj and the Barnett formula. Being a trusting, puppy dog-eyed kinda agent, I’m absolutely convinced Tone will answer all my queries in full and without any little porkies thrown in.

It’s not exactly Ask Aspel, more Ask a War Criminal

Pushing an anthem at an open door….

To: Ann Hogbin,
Chief Executive,
Commonwealth Games Council for England


Dear Ms Hogbin,

I emailed you a couple of months ago about the possibility of changing the England Commonwealth Games victory anthem from Land of Hope and Glory to something more appropriate to an English perspective. I suggested 2 alternatives - 'I vow to thee my Country' and 'Jerusalem' ....

You very kindly emailed me back saying that you and your committee would review the choice of anthem at your next meeting.

With this in mind, I couldn't help noticing that during the successful Ashes cricket series, 'Jerusalem' has virtually been adopted by the people of England as their National Anthem. I therefore think it would be a really fantastically positive move to choose 'Jerusalem' as the England victory anthem.



Dear Aitch,

Thank you for your further e-mail and I will certainly ensure that your comments are considered by the Council members when they have their next meeting - on 16th November.

Ann Hogbin
Chief Executive
Commonwealth Games Council for England


I reckon there's a real chance that Jerusalem will be adopted as our Victory anthem at next year's Commonwealth Games. Fingers crossed!

Freedom loving ratings - totally free!

Freedom House – is an American freedom-loving sort of organisation based in New York. They’ve has taken it upon themselves to rate national states through the whole world – ranging from the scumbag commies of North Korea to the freedom loving people of Uncle Sam-land.
Freedom House is a bastion of…. errr... ‘freedom’ mate – so you’d better believe it bud. (Anyone got a hankie)

As it says on their web site ‘We are a non-profit, non-partisan organization, a clear voice for democracy and freedom around the world.

OK – I like freedom as much as the next red neck – so how have they rated our country? They have 2 categories that concern me, political rights and civil rights. Their rating systems are pretty simple – from 1(so free you can’t believe it) to 7(the land of the despots).

Anyway, can you guess how we rate? I’ll put you out of your misery…..

‘Freedom House has rated the UK on political rights with a 1 and on civil rights with a 1, both on a scale of 1 to 7 (in which 1 is the most free). Freedom House considers the United Kingdom to be a free country’.


Bollocks.

The FA, the English Nationalist and a dodgy survey

Dear FA,
After the amazing success of the England cricket team - and the fantastic unifying effect that the singing of 'JERUSALEM' had with the crowds, don't you think it's about time that the FA joined this patriotic bandwagon and adopted "Jerusalem' as our national football anthem?

God Save the Queen is NOT an English anthem - it's the UK one.... so why on earth sing it? Let's have something uplifting, relevant to the country of England and is stirringly patriotic. 'JERUSALEM' ticks all those boxes, don't you agree?

Come on the FA - time to adopt 'Jerusalem' as OUR National Anthem.
CAN YOU PLEASE GET BACK TO ME WITH A RESPONSE TO MY QUERY - THANKS.


Dear Aitch,
Thank you for contacting The Football Association.

'God save the Queen' is the national anthem for the UK. Compared to other home nations, England does lack a sporting anthem; but this is not isolated to football, as the same situation also exists in many other sports, for example rugby.

The Football Association has done research on this subject, finding that while many fans want an English anthem, others do not. Football would be the perfect starting point for what is certainly a laudable initiative. The problem lies with the selection, ownership and familiarity of a new anthem.

During the world cup The Football Association carried out a web forum where fans could air their views on various FA/England matters. One of the questions that was mentioned was The England Team National Anthem where the results where(sic) as follows:

God Save the Queen - For 205-48 Against
Land of Hope and Glory - For 100 -34 Against
Jerusalem - For 49 -14 Against
Rule Britannia - For 27-7 Against
Another - For 13-5 Against
A specific England Football team anthem - For 10 -8 Against
None at all - For 7-0 Against

Kind regards,

Meg Hewitt
Customer Relations
The Football Association
TheFA.com

Yes, you there in the front, with the blue shirt.......

I was in the pub last night, minding my own business, doing the quiz, drinking the beer and talking the talk. Someone came over to me, explained they were a student at a local college, knew I was involved in the English Nationalist movement and asked if I’d like to give a talk to his politics group.

I said "Yes"

It’s a challenge, I know – this guy sort of thought I and the movement was somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun – he reeled off some unsavoury subjects that he thought I supported……. Up to that point, I was going to say "No" - but there really is a job to be done out there in 'Regioland'.... People need to be put straight, they need to know the truth.Only then can they make an informed decision.

I don’t know, maybe LibDem bigot, Vincent Cable has already given them a talk?

I’m really looking forward to it, who knows, if it goes well and it looks like I am getting somewhere, I might try to expand it into other colleges.

Wish me luck.

The fat lady's back, without one of our flags (again)

Apparently, this fat lady has made yet another appearance in last week's Radio Times. She was used to advertise Sunday's Last Night of the Proms programme on BBC 1. Strange really, because it was used last year to support that very same programme and managed to antagonise a hell of a lot of indignant English people.... - and a hell of a lot of complaints, and some grovelling apologies from Beeb Flannel HQ.

Nice to know the BBC are 'listening' to their paying audience eh?
I must write a letter to head honcho, Chairman of the Board and listener-in-chief, Michael Grade to say so.

Given short shrift by a LibDem stroppy cow......

After the great work by several patriots in bringing to light the facile, ignorant and racist comments of Vincent Cable, LibDem bigot, I decided a phone call was in order. Unfortunately, due to work commitments, I could only ring LibDem HQ fairly late in the day on Friday afternoon.

I wanted an explanation – and an abject apology for Cable’s outrageous comments. This cerebral ‘deep-thought’ type man has lumped me, an English Nationalist in with white supremacists and Islamic fundamentalists. In previous telephone calls to LibDem HQ I’ve had quite a lot of success. Once, in the run up to the North East referendum, I even managed to get through to Kennedy’s office. His P.A. fielded the call – and I could hear in the background, the clink of glasses, the glugging of whisky being poured and the gravel vowelling of a half pissed ginger politician.

"Can I speak to Charles please?"

"Charles who?"

"Charles Kennedy"

"Sorry, no you can’t – he’s busy"

(Yeah, busy looking at the World through the bottom of a glass, I thought)

"Oh dear that’s a shame – are you sure he’s too busy to talk, I can hear him in the background…. It’ll only take a mo’ or maybe we could meet in the pub?."….

"Quite sure, perhaps I can help?"

There then followed 15 minutes of argument about the shameful support by the LibDems of Prescott’s crap Regional referendum in the North East.

So, I thought I might ring again – and hopefully get a bit more of a response, than an email……

I rang. The conversation was short, very short.

"Hello, I’ve got a complaint to make about an article by Vincent Ca"……..

"Sorry, you’ll have to write to Charles Kennedy at Westminster"

"Will I get a reply – guaranteed?"

"Guaranteed"….

If I didn’t know better, I’d think that many, many patriots have already had a go at LibDem HQ, they seemed a bit tetchy, a bit sensitive and a bit embarrassed. GOOD.

I’ve banged off the letter to red nosed Chaz, my breath is baiting for the reply.

Friday's Caption Competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and guess what Sven, the tactical maestro of Team England might be saying as he makes this particularly rude gesture to some unfortunate, non-tactical underling.

Two great prizes for the winner this week - both books written by the tactical genius himself.
You could win the cerebral volume 'Yes, ugly men with buffed up heads can shag fit birds - the Scandinavian way".... and the master tactical work, 'Getting a job that pays 4.5 million a year without doing a tap isn't as hard as you might think'

Stop Press – feeling proud of your nation is ‘OK’ – official.

I watched the programme on BBC 4 last night. The history, the anatomy, the rock and roll that is Blake and Parry’s ‘Jerusalem’ ….

Some of the great and not so great were rolled out to give their views.

Billy Bragg was on saying how proud it made him feel to be English when he hears it. Thanks Billy mate, I don’t feel such a perv now that you have ‘come out’.

However, there was some real ugly porn on. We had the disgusting and unnecessary spectacle of Mr and Mrs Neil Kinnock round vowelling dark satanic mills for all they were worth. We got a completely unobstructed view of Kinnock’s wobbling epiglottis. It was horrible, it had straggly, wispy ginger hair growing on the sides and loads of freckles on its throbbling, wobbly top.

Pretty soon Billy Bee was back, telling us that being English was OK. "Hey, being English is OK" he said.

Some other people from a gospel choir were on. They said they liked singing ‘Jerusalem’ as they were proud of being British. Then some other people piped up and agreed that Jerusalem was great and meaningful and it reinforced their proud feeling of Britishness.

It pissed me off. I shouted at the telly. "For God’s sake you saddos – rejoice in being English for once in your life. Billy Boy – tell them it’s OK to be proud of being English, mate! Tell them that Neil Kinnock wishes he was an Englishman, so it must be OK"

Some nudists were on – they apparently sing Jerusalem a lot – at carefully choreographed barbecues and the like. They were all fairly oldie, saggy, bulky people sitting buck-naked on those cheap, white plastic garden chairs. They were going on about how great Jerusalem was. I didn’t take much notice of what they were saying. I was too busy looking at what they were sitting on. Would they ever be able to get off those seats? I mean, what’s the suction coefficient between crinkly cellulite and plastic? And what kind of pattern would they have imprinted on their bums?

The W.I. waded in without their cake stalls. Best bit of the programme was the film of them slow hand clapping our glorious leader, Tony Blair for foisting Party Political Bollocks onto them. Years ago, when I saw it for the very first time, it had a profound effect on me. It was the very first time I had ever seen Tone’s sickly, non sincere toothy ‘why don’t they love me’ smirk.

The BNP made an appearance. A bit obvious really. Maybe the BBC were worried they were fermenting a bit too much nationalism….. So a dollop of fascism was chucked in just to make the repressed guilt of the average Englander whole again.

But wait, English Billy’s back – and it’s OK. Proud and English is the new rock and roll. Tony’s mate, Billy Bragg says so. What’s the betting Tony Blair suddenly discovers he wasn’t born into a posh family in Edinburgh at all, but actually in Ealing, just behind a Jerusalem Artichoke stall……

Peter Hain - a cretin with no sense of geography

The Right Hon' Peter Hain, Secretary of State for Northern ireland and Wales has entered the fray concerning the final Ashes cricket test match between England and Australia......

South African Hain, has obviously not yet become aware of the make up of Britain - and the 4, yes four proud and historic constituents of the UK.

When asked about what an England win and the subsequent regaining of the Ashes would mean, Hain enthused "If we can win the Ashes it would be an enormous boost for British sport, particularly for youngsters in cricket"........

Firstly Pete, - what's with the we?
Secondly, it's an England team, not British.

Surprise, surprise… 'DaviesGate' despoils the beautiful game

The story so far….
Power mad maniac, Tony Blair has let it be known that he would like the 2012 Olympics to have a Team UK footy team competing – no matter who objects.

Reaction has been mixed to say the least.
The Scottish FA said to their favourite Son. "Tone, ye canna be serious ye posh power mad twat. We’ve got totally crap players at the moment, so no jocks will get in, we hate the English and the tartan army will hang us from the nearest lamppost from our booloocks if we agree to this insanity."…

The Welsh FA have also been less than enthusiastic – having even worse players than the Scots and hating the English even more than their Celtic cousins. "Play with those English baaaastards? I’d rather shove a prize leek up me arse - pointy end first!"…

So, if the English FA shows just a little bit of solidarity with the other Associations, this mad cap, hair brained, no brain idea would surely hit the Blairworld buffers. FA Chief Exec’ and ugly bastard, David Davies stepped forward with his little bit of paper. Reading from a prepared script, Davies, former cub reporter with BBC’s ‘Look Northwest’ (He used to do the ‘Dog bites man cos he’s a Man U supporter – and the dog dies of Rabies’ stories) knows how to take orders. He enthusiastically says what a very, very good idea it is. How wonderful a concept it is and how it will bring ‘the Country ’together….. Bla, bla bla. Grovel, grovel, grovel….

Every single English football supporter in the country immediately branded Davies, full time idiot, full time creep and full time ugly bastard a vile traitor to the beautiful game. Any credo he and his office possessed was blown out of the water at that precise time. Why should he back such a brain dead concept?

The answer is predictable and obvious and shameful.

Davies is due to jack in his job after the 2006 World Cup. The word in the corridors of power is that he’s getting a job in Whitehall as some sort of hissing Sid advisor. I feel like ringing him up now, right now at FA HQ in Lancaster Gate in London to give him a piece of my mind. Except I can’t. Dave has left the building. At the moment, Davies, full time arse licker and full time ugly bastard is with a high powered Trade delegation to China with his old mate and footy buddy, Tony Blair. Smelly? Absolutely - and I'm not talking horse linament either...

Career projection of former northern cub reporter, David Davies. (post 2006)

2006 - Become PM’s advisor on sport in the UK.
2007 – Get elected onto Board of Nike Sports Inc.
2008 – Head up sports think-tank quango with £500 million budget
2008 - Nike wins England jock strap contract. and unveil jockstrap-line - 'Put your prick in the tick'....
2009 – Win safe Labour seat for Parliament.
2009 – Become Minister of Sport.
2009 - Nike awarded exclusive 'tick' contract. From now on all Gov' policy white papers to have Nike tick logo in top left hand corner - plus strapline - '10 out of 10 from number 10'
2010 – Lecture electorate on the value of ‘Britishness’.
2010 – Resign seat and post to become Euro sports supremo.
2011 – Become Lord Davies of Skull Island.
2012 – Gets stabbed in back by irate England fan whilst watching Team UK footy team lose to Afghanistan in Olympic Games opener.

Slobberchops jumps on bandwagon

Roy Hattersley, former Old Labour has-been, jowly man and prodigious producer of spittle, has come over. Using the astute political sixth sense that all connivers possess, he has suddenly declared his 'Englishness'. Well, Labour's Mr Blob-Dribbley has really gone off message this time........ Are those alarm bells from Labour Spin HQ I can hear in the distance?

‘Britishness’ has been kicked into the same bin as all the Old Labour Party Manifestos as Roy dons his Blighty waistcoat with in-built bib. He’s got his feet and he’s walking on mountains green, sauntering around those dark, satanic mills, whilst looking for his bow of burning gold and a few arrows of desire.

Roy’s gone a bit, funny…. You know, a bit weird. - In short, he’s gone ‘native’. Roy wants England – not Britain or the UK, but England to adopt ‘Jerusalem’ as its very own National anthem.

Amazing. Gobsmackingly amazing.

It’s all there, in black and while on pages 10 and 11 of today’s Daily Mail. It’s an article, written in response to England cricket captain, Michael Vaughan’s call for every Englishman at the Oval to sing ‘Jerusalem’ before the start of Thursday’s final Ashes test.

The Mail, slightly deflates the feeling of nationalism however with a couple of well-intended clangers. The first is the banner on the front page – it has a pic’ of Vaughan, celebrating a previous win. The strap line reads ’Why 'Britain' should sing Jerusalem at 10:25 on Thursday’… This insult is further compounded by a supporting sidebar piece to Hattersley’s, written by a couple of junior hacks. They preface their piece –’Why every English patriot (and, yes that means you Scots and Welsh too) should at 10:25 on Thursday morning sing the words of this glorious hymn’..

They just don’t get it do they? Can you imagine them singing Jerusalem in a pub in Glasgow’s East Side….

Hats off to the ECB, though – they brought in Jerusalem as an unofficial national anthem before England cricket matches last year – since then, it’s grown and grown. The hymn has been spontaneously sung without prompting in all this season’s matches with OZ.

It’s only a matter of time, especially after the barracking and battering that GStQ got at the Millennium Stadium last Saturday when Jerusalem is formally recognised by all English sporting bodies.

The sooner, the better.

Laydeez anda Gentlemen, pleeze be upstanding for the Natinole Antheem…

I'm watching the telly. I've got me beer, I'm nice and cumfy and Becks is leading the boys out to play the Welsh at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I'm feeling proud and confident, "Come on England!"..... and then I'm not. The ‘cushion point’ had arrived. "What the hell is 'the cushion point", I hear you ask. In case you don’t know, it's when you’re watching the telly – and you see something so embarrassing that a quickly grasped cushion held right in front of your face is the only remedy. A quick rendition of ‘tum-te-dum, te-dum, can’t hear, can’t hear’ also helps.

Cushion points happen regularly while watching ‘The X-Factor’, Dale Winton telling a joke, Tony Blair trying to tell the truth – and every time the England football team start to sing the ‘national anthem’.

I hate it, I really do. I hate the fact that David Beckham doesn’t know the words. I hate the way that all the England players puff out their chests in response to this flawed and irrelevant diatribe. I hate the fact that it isn’t the English national anthem – but is the UK model, so why the hell are we singing it?….

Maybe everyone thinks we’re the UK in disguise?

Anyway, something happened that was a bit different this time – the durge that is ‘God Save the Queen’ droned up, Becks puffed out and started to mumble God knows what. It was the cue for 70,000 Welsh people to start booing, hissing and catawalling for all they were worth. Deafening, really deafening. It lasted from the first 'God' to the last monotonous note.

I awaited in vain for some tut-tutting from ‘Boyo’ Barry Cliché, ace Sky-Sports commentator. Predictably, none came. Maybe he was a closet Welshman with a hearing problem?…. More likely it was seen by the media as a bit of 'good humoured' friendly fan-baiting from a fellow home country – a country that we must rejoice in its unique, proud and historic nationhood.

The only time booing a national anthem is a serious insult and verges on racism – is when the England fans do it, obviously.

I initially thought ‘How appalling, how awful, these loyal Welsh subjects actually booing their own UK national anthem…. And then I thought again. I like it, I really do, more divisiveness in the Union. More English people getting the message, no matter how hard the smoke and mirrors men try to hide a country of 50 million souls by sleight of hand. I hope the architects of the great devolution experiment at New Labour Think-Tank Inc. and the blazer brigade at the FA were watching. Who knows, maybe David Davies and co will actually develop spines…. and send David Beckham and the boys the words and music for ‘Jerusalem’.

For all you letter writers to HMG.

Just thought this might interest you when you write to a Government Department/Executive about devolved matters in the UK. I found it in the Department of Constitutional Affairs web site. Have a look at it – you can quote the salient lines from it if you have any trouble from civil servants. It may give more weight to getting a reply from an actual Minister rather than an oily-ragged lacky.

Friday's caption competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and imagine what England footy supremo, David Davies might be thinking while he's trying to work out how he's going to find an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman actually good enough to get into the 2012 Team Britain, Olympic Footy Team.

A quality inflated pig's bladder and an old Roy of the Rovers Annual to the winner.

Sleeping soundly in the knowledge….

The Times has reported that the great and the good in Team UK are going to be A-OK this winter. The people in seats of power – including Dale Winton and Cherie Blair have all been issued with a jagged little pill. Taking it will thus ensure they will be free from the bubonic bird flu virus should it make it to these shores. They’ll be just fine, they’ll have immunity from the deadly effects of the latest pandemic to come out of the hot and sweaty environs of the far east, courtesy of their secret little pill. So while all us ordinary plebeians are falling off our perches, flying into the window and overdosing on cuttlefish, the golden people, the people that really matter will be safe.

Tony, Cherie and the little blairlettes will no doubt be given one each. So will Gordon McChancellor, whisky-sodden Kennedy, fangs Howard and all the rest of the Westminster waffle machine. Rumour has it that all the top knobs in the BBC are to be given one – and this rather laughingly includes radio and TV presenters – presumably from John Humphrys to Dale Winton and everyone in between.

Whoa there tiger. Before you all start rubbing your hands, shouting "huzzah" and wondering when you are going to get your magic little pill, there’s a bit of a problem. Miracle cures aren’t for the likes of ‘you’ – because you’re just not important enough to have one. To put it bluntly, you’re no Dale Winton are you? There is only enough ‘stuff’ to protect 2% of the population of the Country from Bird Flu. That leaves 98% whistling Dixie – including me and my own..

Am I worried? Err, no!
Bird Flu only affects birds don’t it?
And birds have bird ‘brains’ don’t they?
Well I don’t!
(But I bet Blair and his flock do)….

Yes, it’s the Q & A show starring ‘Aitch’ and Matt…..

Fool that I am – (and yes, I really do like banging my head agin a constitutional brick wall) I thought, just for old time sake I should send a quick series of questions to me old pal Matt Cook at Constitutional Affairs HQ.

Matt’s a star, he really is. Well on the way to his brown nosing diploma (first class), a career in Charlie Falconer boot licking is so advanced now I reckon he’ll soon be awarded a Sir Humphreyship before too long….

He sent me an email with all his bits and pieces attached –
Matt Cook
Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate
Strengthening Democracy and Rights
Department for Constitutional Affairs.

So now you know. I certainly do. In previous emails and letters, he was plain old M. Cook, Dept of Const’ Affairs…… But now he’s a big noise in the ‘Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate’ with added strapline! Strengthening Democracy and Rights

Can’t you just feel all that democratic strengthening? Right on Matt!

I’m just having a bit of a swoon here, just knowing that my democracy and rights are being strengthened by ‘Matt’ and his mates is proving a bit too much for my little brain to handle.

So, while I’m trying to recover from my democratic overdose, have a look at my Q and A session with Sir Matt of Brogue-Leather….. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Those people in Ivory Towers Inc are hardly going to agree with an ordinary Tommy Atkins like yours truly….. so maybe you should make a cup of tea instead?

Q1) Can you tell me why devolution for Scotland, Wales and N.I. was seen as an imperative - but when someone like me says that therefore England should have an EQUAL amount of devolution - the establishment start to blather on about pathetic R.A.s.

A1) The Government recognises that demand for directly elected devolved government varies across the UK and the four components of the UK have their own histories and distinct national identities. In addition, all have different administrative structures, size and populations.

The highest priority was given to the creation of a Parliament in Scotland and a National Assembly for Wales, since the demand for decentralisation in these nations was long-standing. Blah, blah, blah...

Summary: Matt. mate, that's precisely the point innit? The Government doesn't recognise anything regarding England - least of all a 'distinct national identity'.

Q2) Why hasn't your department made urgent representations to the ODPM, taking them to task regarding the totally undemocratic and UNELECTED quangos currently populating the 8 'regions' of England and masquerading as popular regional government. (Whether we want them or not).

Don’t the dictatorial actions of the ODPM’s office make an absolute mockery of your department’s rather fanciful and delusional strapline ’Strengthening Democracy and Rights’

A2) Regional Assemblies are voluntary bodies independent of Central Government which were established by local authorities and other regional stakeholders in each English region in the late 1990s. The members of each assembly are wholly selected by bodies within the relevant region. Ministers do not have a role in the process. As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them.

Summary: Lies, damn lies and you're having a laugh aren't you Matt? Two monster porkies: 1)'Ministers do not have a role in the process' and 2)'As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them'. Something in the state of Westminster is very smelly - John Prescott's porky fingers being shoved into every constitutional pie in England

Q3) Don't you agree that the current government has democratically short changed the people of England over the past 8 years. If you disagree, please give me some examples on how England has even got close to the other home countries, constitutionally during the last 8 years.

A3) The role of a civil servant is to answer enquiries from the public and to explain Government policy and programmes on behalf of Ministers. It is not to comment on the Government's policies.

Summary: Matt, watch those splinters mate from sitting on the fence.

Q4) Can you tell me when the constitutional anomalies in England are going to be righted. The current situation is an absolute disgrace. Your constitutional department has failed my country very, very badly. Don't you agree?

A4) You also state that there are constitutional anomalies in England. The aim of devolution is to decentralise power and to allow people to take local decisions on matters such as health. Inevitably this will lead to differences in policy between the devolved administrations themselves, and the rest of the country.

I realise that you feel strongly about these matters, and I hope that this response addresses your concerns.

Summary: Matt Cook, what a tosser you are mate. My advice to you is to buy a pair of balls, borrow an attitude and answer the questions. If not, you can compose a new strapline for your useless, self obsessed organisation – the Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate – something along the lines of ‘England, forever being screwed’

In absentia....

'Aitch the double-you' has mostly been 'Aitch the sick as a dead dog' over the past week or so. Blindling headaches and an aversion to light any stronger than a waning moon have been the monkeys on my back. It felt like someone has embedded a double headed axe into my cranium and was securing it with six inch nails, just for good measure.

I don't know what has been wrong with me - but I'm feeling a bit better now..... Which is just as well, because if anyone else tells me "There's a lot of it going round" I'll throw up all over them.