Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Blair ignores Aitch ..... (again).

Tony Blair didn’t actually answer my question about the need for an English Parliament during his Q&A session with Eddie Izzard on Monday night. (Now there’s a surprise)


The great smiley one has sent me another email.It says –

"There is another chance to ask me a question later today when Tessa Jowell and I will be online for a live web-chat and between us we will be taking your questions and comments from 6.00pm until 7.20pm.

If there is one issue you would like to raise with me, this is your opportunity by logging onto here"


Your most omnipotent and glorious leader,

Tony Blair.

Oh well, call me a glutton for punishment, but I’ll give it another go. I’ll email my question to him again.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I’ve been thinking again….

In bed to be precise. Occasionally, I indulge in a bit of power thinking when I’m ‘in-between-states’, in-between the sheets. I find it the best time to do my thinking, no distractions, no telly, no nooky…. (but that’s another story).

It’s that state, just between sleep and consciousness where things suddenly come ‘as clear as day’…. I can analyse, follow things through to a logical conclusion – and generally solve my own problems. Tony Blair should try it sometime instead of sleepwalking through his Premiership.

Anyway, as I was saying, my latest bit of power thinking threw up a sort of odd conundrum.

I’ll explain.

It’s all to do with complaining – and who to go to.

If I want to complain, say about some crappy service in my local hospital, or a hole in the road outside my house – I’ll go, as a last resort to my local MP. (A very last resort because my MP is bloody rubbish). I bet most constituency surgeries are full to the brim with complaints and queries about Health, Transport and Education. What do you think is the total time taken on these three subjects in a typical English MP’s surgery and letter enquiries? What percentage would it be? Pretty high, I’ll bet.

I reckon the only other stuff an MP gets is complaints about the war in Iraq, making poverty history and wanting to punch Tony Blair in the gob…… in other words, international or leadership issues.

So, the domestic trinity of Health, Education and Transport must take up most MPs time I reckon. Add to that a smidge of pension moaning and a dollop of council tax indignation and there you have it – an MP’s ‘in box’.

But What if I lived in Scotland? Who would I go to if wanted to have a chat about any one of the domestic trinity? My Member of the Scottish Parliament of course because the Scottish Executive has responsibility for most domestic stuff in Scotland. Would I also moan to them about the Iraq war and world poverty? Possibly.

So while I’m moaning about this Health issue, that Transport problem and the fact that my kid isn’t being taught Scottish history in school to my very own MSP, what the hell is my Westminster version doing? (You know, the one that costs around half a mill a year each once ‘exees’ have been taken into consideration).

And that’s where the virtue of power thinking comes in. After much doze-zone musing, I reckon the only thing left for Scottish MPs to do, with their surgeries in stasis and their in-trays incommunicado is to busy body into other people’s lives.

No prizes for guessing which people are on the receiving end then…….

I feel a letter writing frenzy coming on…….

Monday, September 26, 2005

The McDauphin speaks at Brighton....

Couldn’t help noticing that the McDauphin, Gordon Brown in his speech to conference this morning stated the following – "I will make it my business this next year to visit every region and every nation of the country…."

Now what regions and nations are those then, Gordon?

Power to the people….

On ‘Trevor McDonald Tonight’ on ITV at 8:00pm is a programme all about protesting about stuff being built in communities that do not want them. You know what the usual ‘stuff’ is - 4 million ‘sustainable’ homes, requisite infrastructure, motorways, incinerators, etc, etc. It highlights the current ways to complain, what to do for maximum effect and how to foil the developer – and the politician.

I should watch it if I were you.

Welcome to Prescott-in-the-Mire - a suitable case for demolition.

Can you believe it? It’s happened again! Jonah Prescott, Minister of Mayem, Meddling and Mischief has cocked something else up. The utterly incompetent, utterly ignorant, utterly stupid fat control freak has presided over another total waste of time, effort and money.

Oh yes, lots and lots of money.

I refer, of course to Jonny’s very own pet ‘Pathfinder’ project. Sweeping away old, perfectly fine, perfectly well built Victorian and Edwardian houses in the North of England and replacing them with crap. Lots and lots of modern crap. Houses that will last only 50 years, tops. Houses with paper thin walls, built on the cheap by New Labour cronies; houses with no sense of community – that’s all been bulldozed.

Us ooooop-northerners always knew it was a bogus proposition – the usual rule of Prescott’s flabby thumb is the sexier the project title, the crappier the idea – and ‘Pathfinder’ is a pretty sexy word, ergo the idea is shite. Anything with Prescott’s name on it is bound to be so.

The whole premise of Pathfinder is to replace supposedly ancient, jerry-built slum dwellings in Northern inner cities with fab, new, modern, jerry built slums, using the building skills of Prescott’s developer mates – who are all known by the name of ‘Jerry’…..

To get ‘Operation Pathfinder’ up and running, Prescott, has been rather undemocratically busily buying up, via his compulsory purchase rubber stamp, whole streets in Liverpool and other northern cities. The clever men at the Ministry agreed to pay the going rate for the ‘slums’. I assume they thought the price would be around a bag of beans and a couple of free condoms ……… And that’s the problem.

Due to the property boom, the build quality of the housing stock and the attractive and stable community location, people just cannot get enough of living in slumland.

Kelvin Grove could be, just could be Prescott’s Pathfinding Waterloo. Some houses in the road have been valued at as much as 180 grand. One hundred and eighty grand for a slum? That means to buy the whole street will cost, not John Prescott, but us mug taxpayers, three and a half million quid!

The phrase ‘John Prescott is a Responsible politician’– is an oxymoron. Why? Because Prescott is a moron and has something of the bovine about him, obviously…… Prescott is not responsible, he’s an idiot, but an idiot with real and dangerous levels of power. The sooner he’s committed to a padded cell and ensconced in a cast iron straight jacket, the better.

Thick as a brick

Tony Blair’s biographer, Dr Anthony Sheldon says that the great leader is not the gung-ho cerebral psychopath that everyone thinks he is. Basically, Blair is a bit of an intellectual weather vane (or is that ‘vain’?) – pushed around by all and sundry – including Bill Clinton, Dubbya and Rupert Murdoch.

Dr Sheldon describes Blair as being a ‘weak man with no clear principles or ideas’ "He doesn’t have the intellectual apparatus" commented Sheldon. "He’s not an intellectual, He’s not capable of constructing a coherent platform himself"

Yes, this news is a real ‘water is wet’ type of story. Doc, mate, everyone in the entire world knows just what a vain, no brain puppy dog duffer he really is. That’s what makes him so very dangerous. He’ll do anything to please others, he’ll do anything to show how macho-sincere he is.

All Dubbya has to do to get him to roll over at his feet is to promise him a pair of authentic cowboy boots and a real Texican stetson.... (and a bonio, possibly).

Anointy nointy nointy, your pencil's very pointy.

This week’s New Labour seaside extravaganza at Brighton will see the main man with two brains (pea and no),Tony Blair name his successor.

Emperor Tiberius Blairium will anoint his extra special pen-pushing pal, Gordon Brown, Son of Ebeneezer & Prudence as the McDauphin in waiting.

It’s not about Labour Party voting in a new leader any more. It’s grooming favourites, bestowing gifts & favours to a fellow dour Scottish Raj club member. Tone has given Brown the imperial purple handkerchief – his destiny is assured. Will anyone in the Labour Party do an Eric Heffer, Ian Mikado or even a Dennis Skinner and actually raise a point of order – or even an eyebrow at the arrogance, the effrontery and the imperialist manner of the intended succession?

Oooh no, I shouldn’t think so – they’ll be too busy munching grass, wondering where the sheepdog is – and when the big van is coming to take them to the abattoir.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Friday’s caption competition…

Using your skill and judgement, what do you think geordie footy meister Sir Bob Robson is saying to the plastic geordie fraud Tony Blair?

The winner will win a very thin volume of Tony Blair’s footy tactics book – ‘Blair with Flair’ and a tube of extra strength horse liniment….

I’ll get the ball rolling –

Robson: "I fucking hate you Blair, you’re a crap number 10".
Blair "Let me stay in your holiday villa and I’ll forgive you"…

Update on the student chat…

I met my student contact in the Ring o’ Bells pub last night. The talk is on at the college – my subject is English Nationalism, and I’m raring to go. The audience? About 125 bods that’s bloody all! My stint will be some time near Christmas, just in front of some no-mark called Jack, Man o Straw. Should be interesting…..

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dear Tone, I think you're fab, can I have your baby?

In my role as a secret double agent (codename ‘sludge gut’), Matt Carter, general secretary of Noo Labour has sent me an email. He’s asking me "as a New Labour supporter" if I would like to ask the great smiley bloke a question – to be included in his ‘Trust me, I’m a regular kinda guy road-show’ at next weeks party conference.

Being a gobby, gossipy kinda double agent, I thought I would share this chance to ask the great leader any question you like. I’ve already sent off my questions, loosely based around English Parliaments, back handed holidays, the Scottish Raj and the Barnett formula. Being a trusting, puppy dog-eyed kinda agent, I’m absolutely convinced Tone will answer all my queries in full and without any little porkies thrown in.

It’s not exactly Ask Aspel, more Ask a War Criminal

Pushing an anthem at an open door….

To: Ann Hogbin,
Chief Executive,
Commonwealth Games Council for England

Dear Ms Hogbin,

I emailed you a couple of months ago about the possibility of changing the England Commonwealth Games victory anthem from Land of Hope and Glory to something more appropriate to an English perspective. I suggested 2 alternatives - 'I vow to thee my Country' and 'Jerusalem' ....

You very kindly emailed me back saying that you and your committee would review the choice of anthem at your next meeting.

With this in mind, I couldn't help noticing that during the successful Ashes cricket series, 'Jerusalem' has virtually been adopted by the people of England as their National Anthem. I therefore think it would be a really fantastically positive move to choose 'Jerusalem' as the England victory anthem.

Dear Aitch,

Thank you for your further e-mail and I will certainly ensure that your comments are considered by the Council members when they have their next meeting - on 16th November.

Ann Hogbin
Chief Executive
Commonwealth Games Council for England

I reckon there's a real chance that Jerusalem will be adopted as our Victory anthem at next year's Commonwealth Games. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Freedom loving ratings - totally free!

Freedom House – is an American freedom-loving sort of organisation based in New York. They’ve has taken it upon themselves to rate national states through the whole world – ranging from the scumbag commies of North Korea to the freedom loving people of Uncle Sam-land.
Freedom House is a bastion of…. errr... ‘freedom’ mate – so you’d better believe it bud. (Anyone got a hankie)

As it says on their web site ‘We are a non-profit, non-partisan organization, a clear voice for democracy and freedom around the world.

OK – I like freedom as much as the next red neck – so how have they rated our country? They have 2 categories that concern me, political rights and civil rights. Their rating systems are pretty simple – from 1(so free you can’t believe it) to 7(the land of the despots).

Anyway, can you guess how we rate? I’ll put you out of your misery…..

‘Freedom House has rated the UK on political rights with a 1 and on civil rights with a 1, both on a scale of 1 to 7 (in which 1 is the most free). Freedom House considers the United Kingdom to be a free country’.


Monday, September 19, 2005

The FA, the English Nationalist and a dodgy survey

Dear FA,
After the amazing success of the England cricket team - and the fantastic unifying effect that the singing of 'JERUSALEM' had with the crowds, don't you think it's about time that the FA joined this patriotic bandwagon and adopted "Jerusalem' as our national football anthem?

God Save the Queen is NOT an English anthem - it's the UK one.... so why on earth sing it? Let's have something uplifting, relevant to the country of England and is stirringly patriotic. 'JERUSALEM' ticks all those boxes, don't you agree?

Come on the FA - time to adopt 'Jerusalem' as OUR National Anthem.

Dear Aitch,
Thank you for contacting The Football Association.

'God save the Queen' is the national anthem for the UK. Compared to other home nations, England does lack a sporting anthem; but this is not isolated to football, as the same situation also exists in many other sports, for example rugby.

The Football Association has done research on this subject, finding that while many fans want an English anthem, others do not. Football would be the perfect starting point for what is certainly a laudable initiative. The problem lies with the selection, ownership and familiarity of a new anthem.

During the world cup The Football Association carried out a web forum where fans could air their views on various FA/England matters. One of the questions that was mentioned was The England Team National Anthem where the results where(sic) as follows:

God Save the Queen - For 205-48 Against
Land of Hope and Glory - For 100 -34 Against
Jerusalem - For 49 -14 Against
Rule Britannia - For 27-7 Against
Another - For 13-5 Against
A specific England Football team anthem - For 10 -8 Against
None at all - For 7-0 Against

Kind regards,

Meg Hewitt
Customer Relations
The Football Association

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Yes, you there in the front, with the blue shirt.......

I was in the pub last night, minding my own business, doing the quiz, drinking the beer and talking the talk. Someone came over to me, explained they were a student at a local college, knew I was involved in the English Nationalist movement and asked if I’d like to give a talk to his politics group.

I said "Yes"

It’s a challenge, I know – this guy sort of thought I and the movement was somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun – he reeled off some unsavoury subjects that he thought I supported……. Up to that point, I was going to say "No" - but there really is a job to be done out there in 'Regioland'.... People need to be put straight, they need to know the truth.Only then can they make an informed decision.

I don’t know, maybe LibDem bigot, Vincent Cable has already given them a talk?

I’m really looking forward to it, who knows, if it goes well and it looks like I am getting somewhere, I might try to expand it into other colleges.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The fat lady's back, without one of our flags (again)

Apparently, this fat lady has made yet another appearance in last week's Radio Times. She was used to advertise Sunday's Last Night of the Proms programme on BBC 1. Strange really, because it was used last year to support that very same programme and managed to antagonise a hell of a lot of indignant English people.... - and a hell of a lot of complaints, and some grovelling apologies from Beeb Flannel HQ.

Nice to know the BBC are 'listening' to their paying audience eh?
I must write a letter to head honcho, Chairman of the Board and listener-in-chief, Michael Grade to say so.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Given short shrift by a LibDem stroppy cow......

After the great work by several patriots in bringing to light the facile, ignorant and racist comments of Vincent Cable, LibDem bigot, I decided a phone call was in order. Unfortunately, due to work commitments, I could only ring LibDem HQ fairly late in the day on Friday afternoon.

I wanted an explanation – and an abject apology for Cable’s outrageous comments. This cerebral ‘deep-thought’ type man has lumped me, an English Nationalist in with white supremacists and Islamic fundamentalists. In previous telephone calls to LibDem HQ I’ve had quite a lot of success. Once, in the run up to the North East referendum, I even managed to get through to Kennedy’s office. His P.A. fielded the call – and I could hear in the background, the clink of glasses, the glugging of whisky being poured and the gravel vowelling of a half pissed ginger politician.

"Can I speak to Charles please?"

"Charles who?"

"Charles Kennedy"

"Sorry, no you can’t – he’s busy"

(Yeah, busy looking at the World through the bottom of a glass, I thought)

"Oh dear that’s a shame – are you sure he’s too busy to talk, I can hear him in the background…. It’ll only take a mo’ or maybe we could meet in the pub?."….

"Quite sure, perhaps I can help?"

There then followed 15 minutes of argument about the shameful support by the LibDems of Prescott’s crap Regional referendum in the North East.

So, I thought I might ring again – and hopefully get a bit more of a response, than an email……

I rang. The conversation was short, very short.

"Hello, I’ve got a complaint to make about an article by Vincent Ca"……..

"Sorry, you’ll have to write to Charles Kennedy at Westminster"

"Will I get a reply – guaranteed?"


If I didn’t know better, I’d think that many, many patriots have already had a go at LibDem HQ, they seemed a bit tetchy, a bit sensitive and a bit embarrassed. GOOD.

I’ve banged off the letter to red nosed Chaz, my breath is baiting for the reply.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Friday's Caption Competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and guess what Sven, the tactical maestro of Team England might be saying as he makes this particularly rude gesture to some unfortunate, non-tactical underling.

Two great prizes for the winner this week - both books written by the tactical genius himself.
You could win the cerebral volume 'Yes, ugly men with buffed up heads can shag fit birds - the Scandinavian way".... and the master tactical work, 'Getting a job that pays 4.5 million a year without doing a tap isn't as hard as you might think'

Stop Press – feeling proud of your nation is ‘OK’ – official.

I watched the programme on BBC 4 last night. The history, the anatomy, the rock and roll that is Blake and Parry’s ‘Jerusalem’ ….

Some of the great and not so great were rolled out to give their views.

Billy Bragg was on saying how proud it made him feel to be English when he hears it. Thanks Billy mate, I don’t feel such a perv now that you have ‘come out’.

However, there was some real ugly porn on. We had the disgusting and unnecessary spectacle of Mr and Mrs Neil Kinnock round vowelling dark satanic mills for all they were worth. We got a completely unobstructed view of Kinnock’s wobbling epiglottis. It was horrible, it had straggly, wispy ginger hair growing on the sides and loads of freckles on its throbbling, wobbly top.

Pretty soon Billy Bee was back, telling us that being English was OK. "Hey, being English is OK" he said.

Some other people from a gospel choir were on. They said they liked singing ‘Jerusalem’ as they were proud of being British. Then some other people piped up and agreed that Jerusalem was great and meaningful and it reinforced their proud feeling of Britishness.

It pissed me off. I shouted at the telly. "For God’s sake you saddos – rejoice in being English for once in your life. Billy Boy – tell them it’s OK to be proud of being English, mate! Tell them that Neil Kinnock wishes he was an Englishman, so it must be OK"

Some nudists were on – they apparently sing Jerusalem a lot – at carefully choreographed barbecues and the like. They were all fairly oldie, saggy, bulky people sitting buck-naked on those cheap, white plastic garden chairs. They were going on about how great Jerusalem was. I didn’t take much notice of what they were saying. I was too busy looking at what they were sitting on. Would they ever be able to get off those seats? I mean, what’s the suction coefficient between crinkly cellulite and plastic? And what kind of pattern would they have imprinted on their bums?

The W.I. waded in without their cake stalls. Best bit of the programme was the film of them slow hand clapping our glorious leader, Tony Blair for foisting Party Political Bollocks onto them. Years ago, when I saw it for the very first time, it had a profound effect on me. It was the very first time I had ever seen Tone’s sickly, non sincere toothy ‘why don’t they love me’ smirk.

The BNP made an appearance. A bit obvious really. Maybe the BBC were worried they were fermenting a bit too much nationalism….. So a dollop of fascism was chucked in just to make the repressed guilt of the average Englander whole again.

But wait, English Billy’s back – and it’s OK. Proud and English is the new rock and roll. Tony’s mate, Billy Bragg says so. What’s the betting Tony Blair suddenly discovers he wasn’t born into a posh family in Edinburgh at all, but actually in Ealing, just behind a Jerusalem Artichoke stall……

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Peter Hain - a cretin with no sense of geography

The Right Hon' Peter Hain, Secretary of State for Northern ireland and Wales has entered the fray concerning the final Ashes cricket test match between England and Australia......

South African Hain, has obviously not yet become aware of the make up of Britain - and the 4, yes four proud and historic constituents of the UK.

When asked about what an England win and the subsequent regaining of the Ashes would mean, Hain enthused "If we can win the Ashes it would be an enormous boost for British sport, particularly for youngsters in cricket"........

Firstly Pete, - what's with the we?
Secondly, it's an England team, not British.

Surprise, surprise… 'DaviesGate' despoils the beautiful game

The story so far….
Power mad maniac, Tony Blair has let it be known that he would like the 2012 Olympics to have a Team UK footy team competing – no matter who objects.

Reaction has been mixed to say the least.
The Scottish FA said to their favourite Son. "Tone, ye canna be serious ye posh power mad twat. We’ve got totally crap players at the moment, so no jocks will get in, we hate the English and the tartan army will hang us from the nearest lamppost from our booloocks if we agree to this insanity."…

The Welsh FA have also been less than enthusiastic – having even worse players than the Scots and hating the English even more than their Celtic cousins. "Play with those English baaaastards? I’d rather shove a prize leek up me arse - pointy end first!"…

So, if the English FA shows just a little bit of solidarity with the other Associations, this mad cap, hair brained, no brain idea would surely hit the Blairworld buffers. FA Chief Exec’ and ugly bastard, David Davies stepped forward with his little bit of paper. Reading from a prepared script, Davies, former cub reporter with BBC’s ‘Look Northwest’ (He used to do the ‘Dog bites man cos he’s a Man U supporter – and the dog dies of Rabies’ stories) knows how to take orders. He enthusiastically says what a very, very good idea it is. How wonderful a concept it is and how it will bring ‘the Country ’together….. Bla, bla bla. Grovel, grovel, grovel….

Every single English football supporter in the country immediately branded Davies, full time idiot, full time creep and full time ugly bastard a vile traitor to the beautiful game. Any credo he and his office possessed was blown out of the water at that precise time. Why should he back such a brain dead concept?

The answer is predictable and obvious and shameful.

Davies is due to jack in his job after the 2006 World Cup. The word in the corridors of power is that he’s getting a job in Whitehall as some sort of hissing Sid advisor. I feel like ringing him up now, right now at FA HQ in Lancaster Gate in London to give him a piece of my mind. Except I can’t. Dave has left the building. At the moment, Davies, full time arse licker and full time ugly bastard is with a high powered Trade delegation to China with his old mate and footy buddy, Tony Blair. Smelly? Absolutely - and I'm not talking horse linament either...

Career projection of former northern cub reporter, David Davies. (post 2006)

2006 - Become PM’s advisor on sport in the UK.
2007 – Get elected onto Board of Nike Sports Inc.
2008 – Head up sports think-tank quango with £500 million budget
2008 - Nike wins England jock strap contract. and unveil jockstrap-line - 'Put your prick in the tick'....
2009 – Win safe Labour seat for Parliament.
2009 – Become Minister of Sport.
2009 - Nike awarded exclusive 'tick' contract. From now on all Gov' policy white papers to have Nike tick logo in top left hand corner - plus strapline - '10 out of 10 from number 10'
2010 – Lecture electorate on the value of ‘Britishness’.
2010 – Resign seat and post to become Euro sports supremo.
2011 – Become Lord Davies of Skull Island.
2012 – Gets stabbed in back by irate England fan whilst watching Team UK footy team lose to Afghanistan in Olympic Games opener.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Slobberchops jumps on bandwagon

Roy Hattersley, former Old Labour has-been, jowly man and prodigious producer of spittle, has come over. Using the astute political sixth sense that all connivers possess, he has suddenly declared his 'Englishness'. Well, Labour's Mr Blob-Dribbley has really gone off message this time........ Are those alarm bells from Labour Spin HQ I can hear in the distance?

‘Britishness’ has been kicked into the same bin as all the Old Labour Party Manifestos as Roy dons his Blighty waistcoat with in-built bib. He’s got his feet and he’s walking on mountains green, sauntering around those dark, satanic mills, whilst looking for his bow of burning gold and a few arrows of desire.

Roy’s gone a bit, funny…. You know, a bit weird. - In short, he’s gone ‘native’. Roy wants England – not Britain or the UK, but England to adopt ‘Jerusalem’ as its very own National anthem.

Amazing. Gobsmackingly amazing.

It’s all there, in black and while on pages 10 and 11 of today’s Daily Mail. It’s an article, written in response to England cricket captain, Michael Vaughan’s call for every Englishman at the Oval to sing ‘Jerusalem’ before the start of Thursday’s final Ashes test.

The Mail, slightly deflates the feeling of nationalism however with a couple of well-intended clangers. The first is the banner on the front page – it has a pic’ of Vaughan, celebrating a previous win. The strap line reads ’Why 'Britain' should sing Jerusalem at 10:25 on Thursday’… This insult is further compounded by a supporting sidebar piece to Hattersley’s, written by a couple of junior hacks. They preface their piece –’Why every English patriot (and, yes that means you Scots and Welsh too) should at 10:25 on Thursday morning sing the words of this glorious hymn’..

They just don’t get it do they? Can you imagine them singing Jerusalem in a pub in Glasgow’s East Side….

Hats off to the ECB, though – they brought in Jerusalem as an unofficial national anthem before England cricket matches last year – since then, it’s grown and grown. The hymn has been spontaneously sung without prompting in all this season’s matches with OZ.

It’s only a matter of time, especially after the barracking and battering that GStQ got at the Millennium Stadium last Saturday when Jerusalem is formally recognised by all English sporting bodies.

The sooner, the better.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Laydeez anda Gentlemen, pleeze be upstanding for the Natinole Antheem…

I'm watching the telly. I've got me beer, I'm nice and cumfy and Becks is leading the boys out to play the Welsh at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I'm feeling proud and confident, "Come on England!"..... and then I'm not. The ‘cushion point’ had arrived. "What the hell is 'the cushion point", I hear you ask. In case you don’t know, it's when you’re watching the telly – and you see something so embarrassing that a quickly grasped cushion held right in front of your face is the only remedy. A quick rendition of ‘tum-te-dum, te-dum, can’t hear, can’t hear’ also helps.

Cushion points happen regularly while watching ‘The X-Factor’, Dale Winton telling a joke, Tony Blair trying to tell the truth – and every time the England football team start to sing the ‘national anthem’.

I hate it, I really do. I hate the fact that David Beckham doesn’t know the words. I hate the way that all the England players puff out their chests in response to this flawed and irrelevant diatribe. I hate the fact that it isn’t the English national anthem – but is the UK model, so why the hell are we singing it?….

Maybe everyone thinks we’re the UK in disguise?

Anyway, something happened that was a bit different this time – the durge that is ‘God Save the Queen’ droned up, Becks puffed out and started to mumble God knows what. It was the cue for 70,000 Welsh people to start booing, hissing and catawalling for all they were worth. Deafening, really deafening. It lasted from the first 'God' to the last monotonous note.

I awaited in vain for some tut-tutting from ‘Boyo’ Barry Cliché, ace Sky-Sports commentator. Predictably, none came. Maybe he was a closet Welshman with a hearing problem?…. More likely it was seen by the media as a bit of 'good humoured' friendly fan-baiting from a fellow home country – a country that we must rejoice in its unique, proud and historic nationhood.

The only time booing a national anthem is a serious insult and verges on racism – is when the England fans do it, obviously.

I initially thought ‘How appalling, how awful, these loyal Welsh subjects actually booing their own UK national anthem…. And then I thought again. I like it, I really do, more divisiveness in the Union. More English people getting the message, no matter how hard the smoke and mirrors men try to hide a country of 50 million souls by sleight of hand. I hope the architects of the great devolution experiment at New Labour Think-Tank Inc. and the blazer brigade at the FA were watching. Who knows, maybe David Davies and co will actually develop spines…. and send David Beckham and the boys the words and music for ‘Jerusalem’.

Friday, September 02, 2005

For all you letter writers to HMG.

Just thought this might interest you when you write to a Government Department/Executive about devolved matters in the UK. I found it in the Department of Constitutional Affairs web site. Have a look at it – you can quote the salient lines from it if you have any trouble from civil servants. It may give more weight to getting a reply from an actual Minister rather than an oily-ragged lacky.

Friday's caption competition

Using your skill and judgement, try and imagine what England footy supremo, David Davies might be thinking while he's trying to work out how he's going to find an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman actually good enough to get into the 2012 Team Britain, Olympic Footy Team.

A quality inflated pig's bladder and an old Roy of the Rovers Annual to the winner.

Sleeping soundly in the knowledge….

The Times has reported that the great and the good in Team UK are going to be A-OK this winter. The people in seats of power – including Dale Winton and Cherie Blair have all been issued with a jagged little pill. Taking it will thus ensure they will be free from the bubonic bird flu virus should it make it to these shores. They’ll be just fine, they’ll have immunity from the deadly effects of the latest pandemic to come out of the hot and sweaty environs of the far east, courtesy of their secret little pill. So while all us ordinary plebeians are falling off our perches, flying into the window and overdosing on cuttlefish, the golden people, the people that really matter will be safe.

Tony, Cherie and the little blairlettes will no doubt be given one each. So will Gordon McChancellor, whisky-sodden Kennedy, fangs Howard and all the rest of the Westminster waffle machine. Rumour has it that all the top knobs in the BBC are to be given one – and this rather laughingly includes radio and TV presenters – presumably from John Humphrys to Dale Winton and everyone in between.

Whoa there tiger. Before you all start rubbing your hands, shouting "huzzah" and wondering when you are going to get your magic little pill, there’s a bit of a problem. Miracle cures aren’t for the likes of ‘you’ – because you’re just not important enough to have one. To put it bluntly, you’re no Dale Winton are you? There is only enough ‘stuff’ to protect 2% of the population of the Country from Bird Flu. That leaves 98% whistling Dixie – including me and my own..

Am I worried? Err, no!
Bird Flu only affects birds don’t it?
And birds have bird ‘brains’ don’t they?
Well I don’t!
(But I bet Blair and his flock do)….

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Yes, it’s the Q & A show starring ‘Aitch’ and Matt…..

Fool that I am – (and yes, I really do like banging my head agin a constitutional brick wall) I thought, just for old time sake I should send a quick series of questions to me old pal Matt Cook at Constitutional Affairs HQ.

Matt’s a star, he really is. Well on the way to his brown nosing diploma (first class), a career in Charlie Falconer boot licking is so advanced now I reckon he’ll soon be awarded a Sir Humphreyship before too long….

He sent me an email with all his bits and pieces attached –
Matt Cook
Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate
Strengthening Democracy and Rights
Department for Constitutional Affairs.

So now you know. I certainly do. In previous emails and letters, he was plain old M. Cook, Dept of Const’ Affairs…… But now he’s a big noise in the ‘Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate’ with added strapline! Strengthening Democracy and Rights

Can’t you just feel all that democratic strengthening? Right on Matt!

I’m just having a bit of a swoon here, just knowing that my democracy and rights are being strengthened by ‘Matt’ and his mates is proving a bit too much for my little brain to handle.

So, while I’m trying to recover from my democratic overdose, have a look at my Q and A session with Sir Matt of Brogue-Leather….. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Those people in Ivory Towers Inc are hardly going to agree with an ordinary Tommy Atkins like yours truly….. so maybe you should make a cup of tea instead?

Q1) Can you tell me why devolution for Scotland, Wales and N.I. was seen as an imperative - but when someone like me says that therefore England should have an EQUAL amount of devolution - the establishment start to blather on about pathetic R.A.s.

A1) The Government recognises that demand for directly elected devolved government varies across the UK and the four components of the UK have their own histories and distinct national identities. In addition, all have different administrative structures, size and populations.

The highest priority was given to the creation of a Parliament in Scotland and a National Assembly for Wales, since the demand for decentralisation in these nations was long-standing. Blah, blah, blah...

Summary: Matt. mate, that's precisely the point innit? The Government doesn't recognise anything regarding England - least of all a 'distinct national identity'.

Q2) Why hasn't your department made urgent representations to the ODPM, taking them to task regarding the totally undemocratic and UNELECTED quangos currently populating the 8 'regions' of England and masquerading as popular regional government. (Whether we want them or not).

Don’t the dictatorial actions of the ODPM’s office make an absolute mockery of your department’s rather fanciful and delusional strapline ’Strengthening Democracy and Rights’

A2) Regional Assemblies are voluntary bodies independent of Central Government which were established by local authorities and other regional stakeholders in each English region in the late 1990s. The members of each assembly are wholly selected by bodies within the relevant region. Ministers do not have a role in the process. As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them.

Summary: Lies, damn lies and you're having a laugh aren't you Matt? Two monster porkies: 1)'Ministers do not have a role in the process' and 2)'As voluntary bodies Government has no powers to abolish them'. Something in the state of Westminster is very smelly - John Prescott's porky fingers being shoved into every constitutional pie in England

Q3) Don't you agree that the current government has democratically short changed the people of England over the past 8 years. If you disagree, please give me some examples on how England has even got close to the other home countries, constitutionally during the last 8 years.

A3) The role of a civil servant is to answer enquiries from the public and to explain Government policy and programmes on behalf of Ministers. It is not to comment on the Government's policies.

Summary: Matt, watch those splinters mate from sitting on the fence.

Q4) Can you tell me when the constitutional anomalies in England are going to be righted. The current situation is an absolute disgrace. Your constitutional department has failed my country very, very badly. Don't you agree?

A4) You also state that there are constitutional anomalies in England. The aim of devolution is to decentralise power and to allow people to take local decisions on matters such as health. Inevitably this will lead to differences in policy between the devolved administrations themselves, and the rest of the country.

I realise that you feel strongly about these matters, and I hope that this response addresses your concerns.

Summary: Matt Cook, what a tosser you are mate. My advice to you is to buy a pair of balls, borrow an attitude and answer the questions. If not, you can compose a new strapline for your useless, self obsessed organisation – the Crown and Devolution Division, Constitution Directorate – something along the lines of ‘England, forever being screwed’

In absentia....

'Aitch the double-you' has mostly been 'Aitch the sick as a dead dog' over the past week or so. Blindling headaches and an aversion to light any stronger than a waning moon have been the monkeys on my back. It felt like someone has embedded a double headed axe into my cranium and was securing it with six inch nails, just for good measure.

I don't know what has been wrong with me - but I'm feeling a bit better now..... Which is just as well, because if anyone else tells me "There's a lot of it going round" I'll throw up all over them.